Those sneaky motherfuckers
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on September 8th, 2008
I have been having some problems with NTL in the last couple of weeks. They came around to install a new box which gives me all kinds of funky new stuff. The new stuff is generally based around the appearance of the menus and TV guides and all that but never mind.
However, since then I don’t have any of my sports channels (boo!), and a plethora of the other channels fail to work as well. So I called them up and some nice young chap said he’d send a booster signal through the cables to rejiggify my box and my channels would work. Of course that didn’t solve the problem.
So I called them up again and went through much the same spiel with some young lady. Didn’t work. The next day another young man did something which also did not work. Then the next day the same young man sent it off to some other department and said they’d fix it. They did not. When I rang again another young lad told me that the department the previous chap had sent the issue to had simply closed the case without doing anything and that he, stout fellow that he was, would send it off again and it would be fixed within 24 hours. It was not.
I estimate that I have spent about 8-10 hours on the phone to NTL in the last seven days. Of those 8-10 hours I would say I have talked to someone for about 45 minutes, in total, while the rest of the time has been spent on hold listening to Vivaldi’s Four fucking Seasons and that cunt telling me my call is in a queue and it will be answered shortly.
So, yesterday, after waiting for 28 minutes for my call to answered and dreaming up ways of bringing Vivaldi back to life so I can kill him painfully for writing that fucking music, a wretched slattern of a girl answers the phone.
“Hello, NTL. Can you confirm your name, account number and address please”.
I do this.
“How can I help you?”, she said quite clearly chewing gum like a retard cow chewing the cud.
“Well, if you have a look at my case there you’ll see I’m having this ongoing issue with my sports channels and-”
*click*
She hung up on me.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”, I yelled which made Bastardface sit up and go ‘Ruff’ such was the ferocity of my tone. The fucking geebag hung up on me because she saw the notes and couldn’t be arsed doing anything. I was a touch livid. So I rang up again. Waited. Stewed. Paced up and down. I was going to give whoever answered such a piece of my mind they’d go into a coma on the spot. And never wake up. I was going to demand to speak to a supervisor and give them a verbal raping. I waited. Ten minutes on hold. Screw you Vivaldi. I hope all your descendants get bitten on the anus by crows. Fifteen minutes. I will hunt down the guy who does the hold announcements and I will pull his tongue out of his mouth with a pliers. Twenty minutes. Somebody, anybody, is going to die.
Twenty-five minutes later I hear the now familiar pause as the music stops. I can hear the background hum of the call centre as they sit around and see who can not take a call for the longest time. I am ready. I have waited so long for this. 25′34″ to be exactly.
“Hello, NTL. Can you confirm your name, address and account number please?”
Oh those cunts. Those utter, utter cunts. How can they have known? You see, instead of a young workshy helpmong they have directed my call to the one person you simply cannot give out to. An old lady. She sounds a bit like my Mam used to sound. Kindly, nice, gentle. I just can’t be irate. Fuck you NTL, you unspeakably sneaky cunts. They probably have some kind of sensor system in the phones which tells them when a customer has reached the point of no return.
“Oh-oh. This call has a Temperometer reading of 87!”
“Quick, put it in old Mary’s queue”.
You just can’t shout at old ladies when they sound as lovely as she did. In the end I explain to her what the problem is. She asks me do I want her to send a booster signal down the line. I cry a little inside. She asks me all the same stuff that all the others have asked me. I cry a little more because such a large part of me wanted some ignorant youth to do it so I could snap and say ‘Why would you need me to give you all the information I’ve already given you half a dozen times in the last few days, you miserable, muttonheaded ninny?”.
She’s so nice and has that elderly wobble to her voice and you know that even if she was just making you a cup of tea and toast it’d be the nicest cup of tea and toast ever. I still don’t have any sports channels but old Mary has at least organised for an engineer to come out and tell me that he’ll send a booster signal to the box from the comfort of my front room.
Which, of course, will not work.
Oh God.
We got a decoder off a mate. Some of the channels have been blocked, but apparently you can get codes online, I’m just too lazy to do anything about it.
A while back Ray D’Arcr got an Eircom Rep in to listen to all the listeners complaints, and was good, and actually pledged to resolve each one.
He got loads of stories similar to yours about NTL - days off wasted, rage, frustration, misery etc and they got a customer service rep in - but he just talked incomprehensible politician speak that no one could make sense of and it was as unsucessful as you might imagine. He didn’t even own up to the poxiness of his company really either.
September 8th, 2008 at 8:57 am
I had an NTL connection while living in Norn Iron, it was grand when it worked mind you. It did take about 2 weeks longer than originally stated to get sorted, but as I say it worked when it was in (most of the time).
I was moving away then and tried for about 2 weeks to get in touch with someone to cancel my account, and find out how much I owed them. Of course I was getting the same treatment as Twenty which made me madder and madder the whole time.
Factor in as well that this was a call I had to pay for, and I was pretty broke. After several promises of someone will call you back, we’re escalating your quiery etc I said fuck this I’m not getting off the phone until some cunt tells me what I need to hear.
I called around 3.30 one day, and was passed around from ‘department’ (I reckon this was some fucker passing the phone to their colleague beside them) to department. Each time I was asked “where do you want to transfer your account to?”, I’d say “no, I just want to cancel it, can you tell me what my ourstanding bill is so I can get everything paid up.”. Each time it was a case of you need to speak with such and such a person\department\wanker.
Eventually I was getting very fucked off indeed, and after about 6 different departments (not a joke) I did indeed get a really nice lady who would do everything she could for me and felt my pain. She then said oh no you need to speak with this crowd, they will definitely sort you out. After a good 10 minutes on the phone she comes back on to say oh they are closed for the day (it was after 5.30 by now), I’ll be sure and have someone call you tomorrow morning.
Needless to say I didn’t get a call, but I did instead fuck off to another country without paying my bill. If they wanted my money that badly they shouldn’t have been cunts about me trying to give it to them.
Rant over, that helps a lot on a Monday.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:06 am
1
Track down the call centre, Twenty. Enlist the help of Bastardface. Doorstep. Flaming Paper Bag of Poo.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:12 am
2
I also had something similar. I was being a little irate I heard the NTL monkey telling someone beside her that I was a little cunt (her knowledge of the button marked ‘mute’ was not all it could have been). I snapped ‘what’s your name’. She immediately realised what she had done and promptly hung up.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:15 am
3
I’m moving house today, so I’ll have to get my broadband transferred.
I might be missing for a while…….
Behave yourselves while I’m away, and tell Batty I said he was a cunt.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:19 am
4
Jo - “Track down the call centre, Twenty. Enlist the help of Bastardface. Doorstep. Flaming Paper Bag of Poo.”
I used to live in Clontarf, not so far from them (east Point). When I was moving out, they were making a big deal about cancelling, collecting the set-top, etc. Same bullshit as all the above cases.
Got the box, cables still hanging from it, drove down there, dumped it at the reception desk, and told them to ram it up their holes.
That was the last I heard from them.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:28 am
5
Monkey Balls says: I’m moving house today, so I’ll have to get my broadband transferred.
I might be missing for a while…….
How long does it take to move from a branch in one tree to a branch in another- even counting in a couple of stops for picking your hole?
And by the way- if you pay your rent you won’t have to move so often. Make sure you sign up with NTL. Twenty says their customers service is
second to none.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:28 am
6
When we moved into our house, the previous owner paid by direct debit and never cancelled it. We did call but we couldn’t do anything about cancelling the debit. So we got free cable for ages. The fact that they’d messed us around so much in the sale made us a little lazier about fixing the issue.
I feel guilty though - they had two small children and he subsequently died of stomach cancer :( and there we were robbing them.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:35 am
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I’m trying to stop being rejected but Wordpress keeps putting it back in. A message?
September 8th, 2008 at 9:37 am
8
I’m trying to stop being rejected but Wordpress keeps putting it back in. A message?
A translation into English?
September 8th, 2008 at 9:41 am
9
Always select the option for “Sales” from the automated menu system.
We find the fuckers are far quicker to answer your phone calls when they think they don’t yet have any of your money.
“Oh I’m sorry, I appear to have selected the wrong option, anyway, now that I’m talking to you….”
September 8th, 2008 at 9:42 am
10
Last Wednesday NTL rang me to ask if I wanted to avail of their broadband package in my area. I declined, as I had done twice in the past explaining that I am already in a contract with another provider. They then rang me 13 times between Thursday and Saturday. The first few times I was polite enough and explained that they had already contacted me and I wasn’t interested.
But 13 is the magic number, there is now an NTL employee walking around with half a head because the other half was chewed off by me!
Don’t think it will have too much of an effect on her work though.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:44 am
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You get a better class of monkey in Sales too. It’s where they keep their best staff.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:44 am
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I worked one summer as a telemarketing whore and in our offices there were a couple of old dears who’d actually knit while working. They got twice the results any of us did and without even trying. Same reason. Being sweet old biddies, they’d neutralize the punters’ defensiveness, get under their guard and end up getting all the information they needed. I don’t know why more marketing scum haven’t cottoned onto this by now.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:51 am
13
But the old women can also be steely evil old bags, like the ones who work on the directory enquiries line.
No one’s ever been as unpleasant as Eircom operators on the phone to me (Off the phone I’d like to give a special mention to the two pursed mouth bints who work in reception in the HSE clinic in Bray). Oh no, wait, the receptionist in the American Embassy is a fucking bitch and I hope she gets a disfiguring disease.
A friend once signed on, then got a job before she collected her first payment and rang to cancel. The deeply suspicious woman on the other end didn’t seem to be able to understand what my friend was doing. She explained it for a third time and got the disgusted retort, ‘I hope you know that’s illegal!!’
As someone said, what to do in the situations is politely say, ‘I”m sorry, we seem to have crossed wires, could I possibly speak with someone who isn’t FUCKING INSANE!!’
NextSeatOver - hamster dance!
MB - had to change my name to comment a while back, and kept forgetting to change it back now the problem is resolved blah blah.
September 8th, 2008 at 10:08 am
14
Crows peck.
And I’m not convinced you have been busy with NTL - I still reckon you have been debauchng.
September 8th, 2008 at 10:09 am
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And while you are around Jo - if you have another son are you calling him Dail ?
September 8th, 2008 at 10:11 am
16
Britney scoops MTV Awards
September 8th, 2008 at 10:16 am
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When Cablelink was selling the business to NTL one of the selling points put forward was that Irish people will pay top dollar for sub-standard services - so NTL could rake in the cash without having to invest very much in the cable network.
September 8th, 2008 at 10:16 am
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And while you are around Jo - if you have another son are you calling him Dail ?
what?
September 8th, 2008 at 10:21 am
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Ditched NTL. Useless twats who could not keep an appointment and secondly could not bring the required eqipment when they came to our gaff.
September 8th, 2008 at 10:21 am
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have done the sales route with NTL….it generally works.
Broadband was running at 58kb/s last night, might as well have dial up……there will have to be a call
September 8th, 2008 at 10:31 am
21
what?
The Professionals ?
September 8th, 2008 at 10:35 am
22
NTL customer service are the shoddiest shower of cunts on the planet, but unfortunately their Broadband rocks. (I have 10mbs for 30 squids a month) Tried to get my password though before, and they kept telling me that the Broadband department would ring back. They didnt (and still havent a year later) i only got my free upgrade from 3mbs to 10mbs when I was ringing about upgrading my tv package. I had emailed 3 months previous.
Anfearbui the website you were accessing could have been the problem. If you think your broadband is not running at the right speed check here
Broadband speed
September 8th, 2008 at 10:46 am
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Eircom, Perlico, Sky, Vodafone,
Cunts the lot of them
September 8th, 2008 at 11:10 am
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Do not forget Smart Telecom.
September 8th, 2008 at 11:14 am
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Monkey,
I just watched your video link from yesterday..
Fuck!
you shouldnt just link to something like that without a warning..
September 8th, 2008 at 11:35 am
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The warning comes in a code; Just above my comment, you’ll see the letters M-O-N-K-E-Y- -B-A-L-L-S
But I understand what you mean, and I’m sorry.
Consider me spanked.
That reminds me……
September 8th, 2008 at 11:59 am
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and I’m sorry.
Really ?
September 8th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
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Fuck those NTL fuckers. I’ve had so much hassle with them. Telly is dead anyway.
Also had a load of crap with Magnet for the company’s broadband. They were so bad I could not believe it.
They tried to invoice me for the months when I had an awful service. So in the end I invoiced them for my wasted time and that was the end of it.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
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Took eircom once 3 weeks to set up our phoneline after it broke down.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
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“Also had a load of crap with Magnet for the company’s broadband.”
I have telly, broadband and phone from Magnet.
They were crap at the start but always answered the phone, tried to help, and we agreed that I would get no bill for 6 months.
Sweet.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
31
Ha hahahahaha ha.
I went through all that bollocks with Virgin Media here in the UK. They also have the nerve to charge for calls to their help centre. Luckily my office is right opposite the local Virgin Media office so I went over and sneaked into reception and eventually got a real person to talk to. That got my connection (broadband and tv) fixed within an hour.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
32
Hallo. I have some moments before undressing the vegetables for the dinner. I can linger here before moving to the kitchen.
You must remember that with the call-centre, they get their onions and money by promising the whole world under the hand of Bebe Jesus.
Aiiieee!!
September 8th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
33
whatever your calling yourself nowadays O’Sullivan, you have the most suitably named URL.. Its what you seem to talk all the time..
September 8th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
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SAm Crea says: whatever your calling yourself nowadays O’Sullivan, you have the most suitably named URL.. Its what you seem to talk all the time..
Yass. This is what the Internet is for. Happy to help you. Go along with Bebe Jesus. Yass.
September 8th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
35
Could somebody who is on a domestic connection please help me..
Go to youtube.com
And tell me if it comes up in Polish?
September 8th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
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is it suspect SAm? I’m in a public canteen with children and holy people.
September 8th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
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Hi there Holemaster. Careful now :)
September 8th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
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maggot, my husband might have got that reference, but not me, I never watched - not spelled ‘Dail’ anyway. A bit like you calling your child Stormont. Though that would be a manly name.
September 8th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
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no I mean, when I go to youtube, it is redirecting me to the polish servers, and all the text content is in polish. regardless of which clip i watch..
September 8th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
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Nope SAm, that’s the ‘proper’ one.
September 8th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
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its all filmy wideo.. and the like
September 8th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
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Thanks SAm
September 8th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
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how do you open the DNS file in xp 2??
Any geeks online at the mo?
September 8th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
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“Any geeks online at the mo?”
Millions.
September 8th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
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what the fuck, have been called worse
c:\windows\system32\drivers\etc\
file is called hosts and will have to open with something like notepad
technical support in ireland is abysmal. don’t bother ringing them any more. usually just go straight to complaints department, give them a bollicking and problem sorted same day.
September 8th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
46
ntl are a shower of cunts…no dispute there.
They also have no sense of shame at all. They cut me off earlier in the year for refusing to pay the part of my bill relating to either shite or no service. Then, when I eventually managed to get thru to their billings dept and agree what I was prepared to pay for (i.e. up to the date the system actually fell over) and agreed the necessary credit due to me, the fuckers wanted a 50 quid reconnection fee. THEN, the cunts also decided that the period after which service had been stopped but before I had been officially cut off also needed to be paid AND this would have to be done before they could send some spaz out to do the physical reconnection (because they apparantly could not do it remotely).
I tried to reason with the silly cunt on the phone, appealing to her sense of reason and logic - i.e., asking how in her wildest imagination did she personally believe it was realistic, fair and reasonable to expect me to pay anything for a period when I was not in receipt of any servce AT ALL (a period during which she had already agreed I had no service by the way!) before conceding to grant me any future service???!?
Her reply: “that’s our billing policy Sir”.
I proceeded to have this conversation repeatedly with her over a period of, what seemed like, 3 hours - always with the same response.
Upshot: I paid the fuckers, got re-connected a number of days later and we all lived happily ever after…..except for the violent row I had several days later, complaining that I could get no FUCKING DIGITAL SIGNAL AT ALL through their poxy equipment, only to be advised that I had not in fact signed back up for digital, merely the standard service and could I please piss off and stop harassing their staff in such an agressive manner.
So……if you are inclined to take your own action, and maybe firebomb their offices….TAKE A FUCKING TICKET AND JOIN THE QUEUE
September 8th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
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thanks porridge. I had that file open earlier, but thought it was an example. There is nothing in there except windows example. But i had done that ipconfig /flushdns thingie earlier. No change. it is either ntl’s DNS or A polish ghost is haunting my HD..
September 8th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
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‘Here at Chorus ntl we are constantly working to bring our customers the best services we can, be it Digital TV, Broadband or Phone.’
Glad to helpings.
September 8th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
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not spelled ‘Dail’ anyway.
Heh - Lewis Collins payed Bodie, not Bodhhi!
I’m subtle, I am!
September 8th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
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Jesus maggot,whatever you did there… way to clear the room..
September 8th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
51
that’s one of the worst cases i’ve seen.
September 8th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
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Sam, If you’re going down the DNS route you’ve probably already tried this, but have you changed your regional settings within Control Panel, and within IE\Firefox to Ireland?
September 8th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
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i have seen tumbleweeds like that in a long time.. hate that!
September 8th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
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If they’re sneaky enough to give you an old dear on the phone, they’re sneaky enough to give you a gum-smacking couldn’t-give-a-shite teenager and a voice-altering box. All her “Innit?s” would turn into “Oh, just a wee minute, dearie. Now where did I put my glasses? Scones, doilies, Victoria sponge, church, knitting etc.”s
Call Centre people are above nothing.
September 8th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
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I bet that the shitheads who work for electronic answering services have contests as to which one of them can fuck the most people in a day. I wonder who they call when they have a problem?
NEVER pay anything with a debit card. It’s too easy to get cleaned out and then you’re fucked and you won’t get your money back. Once they get their hands on your money, they don’t give a rats ass about you any more. It’s a pain in the ass,but pay by check. Unless, of course, you can’t rite.
Those fuckers hire people with no scruples. The kind of shithead you run into in a bar who’ll mooch drinks until it’s his turn to buy and then realizes that he has somewhere to go. You know that they go to hell when they die, don’t you?
September 8th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
56
Picture the scene;
You wake up on Monday morning, and what delights does the day hold in store for you? Another 8 hours solid, listening to gobshites who wouldn’t know a co-axial cable if it jumped up and bit them on the cock. You’re on a minimum wage, and the only thing keeping you going is that ‘Employee Of The Month’ award you got for not missing a day. That was over a year ago.
Now the phone is ringing. You know in your heart that the person on the other end already thinks you’re a cunt anyway.
Do you;
A. Answer in a pleasant tone, offering assistance, and going out of your way to be helpful.
B. Just carry on as you always did, then have a good laugh about it in the canteen with your mates.
September 8th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
57
A of course.
September 8th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
58
NTL!
Fuckin Americans, again!
September 8th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
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I have a dodgy box. I get free porn and everything.
Everyone I know has one. No one pays for anything around here.
Sorry about the economy folks.
September 8th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
60
I had similar problems with NTL - broadband never worked, TV signal went completely every now and again. I took two mornings off work waiting for the retarded goon to call to the house and fix the problem. He never arrived - TWICE. I rang them constantly. At one time I had them on two mobiles at once. My proudest moment had to be finally getting one of the girls to break down in tears. The chimpanzee finally arrived and claimed the problem was due to a cable being installed correctly. I helpfully p[ointed out that it was he who had carried out the installation so it was therefore his fault. The problems returned after a few weeks. I got them fixed ……. by disconnecting NTL and getting a SKY dish stuck to the side of the house.
September 8th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
61
NTL stands for No Telly Vision.
Anyway, I’ve had a load of films copied onto my macbook so happy days.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
62
Anything good?
September 8th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
63
Syriana, Anchorman, Big Lebowski and Knocked Up.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
64
At least you’ve got Lebowski.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
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I’ll have to watch the comedies this week though. The others will be next week while the laughing area of my body is healing.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
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I’ve about 20 to keep me going from my good friend, The Man Who Pays for Nothing.
Lebowski is my bible, the dude abides.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
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@everybody
Yeah, well… you know, that’s just your opinion, man.
September 8th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
68
i worked in the vodafone call centre for a bit. It is horrible work but i did have a great chat with a bird who tried to top up her phone at an atm and it didnt work. I told her it was the banks fault. She told me I had a sexy voice. I told her it was the banks fault.
September 8th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
69
I used to work for a guy in Southend who drove to Cambridge and shagged a girl he chatted up on a BT Helpline. She threw him out after two days and kept his trainers.
September 8th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
70
Still maggot, two days- Not bad for a first shag, and off of a helpline aswell!
September 8th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
71
BT have blocked my access to their helplines - they had the nerve to describe me as a pest!
September 8th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
72
I’m stunned! They called you a pest?
-Everyone knows you’re a cunt.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:15 am
73
The last girl, a Glaswegian by the sound of her, called me a cunting pest.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:32 am
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@Maggot.. Southend. Did he hang himself afterwards?
September 9th, 2008 at 12:51 am
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Worse - he married a lawyer.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:52 am
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We do not need the didgital televidgeon at Hackballscross.
I jus get down on my knays and pray to Bebe Jesus and a get the parables. In colour.
Have a nice dinner. Mrs Genevieve say we must arise now and go to Lake Isle of Innisfree. I hope we go on the bus. I like the bus. Aiiee!
September 9th, 2008 at 8:59 am
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Follow link for complaint letter. Utter genius. http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=8&threadID=172325&start=0
September 9th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
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slow of the mark Twenty,you surprise me,sure everybody’round here has a dodgy box,we’re sneakyer cunts than them sneaky cunts….
September 9th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
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tell them to remove the gizmo box on your house off the wall immediately, and if they don’t you’ll pull it down. gauranteed to get a reaction.
tiny tim
September 15th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
80
further to my previous message, looking your blog name your obviously a smoker, maybe thats why they treated you like an idiot, because you are.
September 15th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
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Yeah, that’s it. Mong.
September 15th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
82
The dodgy box is fine but it tends to have a certain quality about it. I want a way to steal Sky’s output so I can spend my days watching the Krypton Factor and the Crystal Maze.
The piss poor performances, the multi-skill prowess, of these shows isn’t the point (it was once, though), it’s the fact that Sally, a sales assistant from Blasphemy upon Teign looks 42 even though she’s 19.
September 19th, 2008 at 1:30 am
83