Bleurgh, hospitals
Unfortunately Holemaster’s situation has reminded me of hospitals and how horrible they are. I mean, we all think they’re horrible because you’re not there unless there’s something wrong with you, but sometimes they’re just the craziest places on the planet.
Some years back I spent time in a ward in the Meath hospital. It was a big room divided in two by a curtain. Closest to the corridor were a lot of elderly, infirm old men who really seemed to be on their way out. Up the other end, where I was, were a lot of people who had been in accidents and had broken bones. It was a really old building, proper old fashioned hospital – built in Heytesbury Street in 1822 and it looked as if it hadn’t been done up since 1834. You could clean it non-stop for a year and it’d still look dirty.
There was a bloke who had been hit by a train (he says it was an accident but the rumour was he’d had a fight with his girlfriend and chucked himself in front of the Maynooth express) and had broken both his legs and both his arm. He was a plaster-cast starfish.
There was a bloke whose pelvis and legs were broken when a Dublin Bus closed its doors as he was getting on and dragged him under the bus. People had to run to the other side of the bus so they could lift it up off him. He spents most of his days in the smoking room (hah, imagine that!), drinking naggins of whiskey that his mate brought in for him. He’d wheel himself in, then come out a while later absolutely pissed.
There was a guy who had a guard wherever he went. When the guard went to the toilet or took his eye off him for a second he’d get up, wander over to plaster-cast starfish and rob all the stuff from his locker while laughing at him because he couldn’t do anything.
Nighttime was the worst though. In the day there was enough noise and murmur to send you off into that drifty sleep but at night, of course, you notice the pain more and you’re more uncomfortable. There was one bloke who moaned every single night without fail.
‘Nuuuuuurse’, he whimper. ‘Nuuuuuuuurse’.
This would go on for a while.
‘Nuuuuuurse. Ooooowwwww. Ooowwwwwwww’.
You’d hear a few grumbles. He’d keep moaning and groaning.
‘Owwww. Oooooooh. Aaaahhhhh’, these would be punctuated by little sobs and whimpers.
‘Nuuuuuurrrsse’, he’d say not even close to being loud enough for a nurse to hear him as the station was at the far end of the room.
‘Nuuuuurse’. And so it would go until someone got truly fed up with him.
‘Nuuuuuurse’, he’d cry.
‘Shut up the fuck, ya cuntcha. If ya want the fuckin’ nurse just ring the fuckin’ bell, ya fuckin’ spanner!’
‘Nuuuuurse’.
‘Seriously, if you don’t shut up I’m comin’ over there and I’ll bait your fuckin’ head in’.
‘How are you going to get over there?’, another voice would say. ‘You’re in fuckin’ traction, ya clown’.
‘I don’t fuckin’ care if I break me other leg but that cunt better shut the fuck up’.
‘Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrse’.
And so it would go. Eventually it would settle down but there really is nothing more bleakly surreal than lying awake listening to the sounds of a hospital ward.
Get well soon, Holemaster.
September 5th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Ughhh, ghastly nightmare. This is why I had my babies at home!
Hopefully soon Holemaster will go to a better place – a private room!
September 5th, 2008 at 10:42 am
This is why I had my babies at home!
Didn’t it make an awful mess ?
September 5th, 2008 at 10:43 am
People had to run to the other side of the bus so they could lift it up off him.
-The bastards! Would it not have been better to get off the bus, and maybe give a hand?
Holemaster, see if you can get us any drugs while you’re in there, and hurry on out with them.
September 5th, 2008 at 10:59 am
I was in hospital a couple of years back. Private room too (work VHI).
Had surgery and was then left to rot. Ended up having to change my own bedclothes, advise nurses on what medication I was supposed to be on and discharged myself because they couldn’t figure out what to do with me.
This at the height of the Celtic Tiger.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Tigers are crap doctors SG.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:03 am
My old mum went into hospital recently to get a bionic knee fitted. Got fuckin MRSA.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:05 am
@SuperGrover My sister was in agony for months. She went to 3 doctors. The first 2 x-rayed her and told her there was nothing wrong with her. The second doctor said that the pain she was experiencing was all in her head and recommended a course course of head medicine.
The third doctor correctly diagnosed her with a broken hip and said she needed surgery immediately. Also at the height of the celtic tiger.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:05 am
maggot, you put down plastic. But a little bit of mess the second time as it went too fast, and didn’t happen where it was meant to.
It’s not such a big deal as it’s made out to be. The obstetricians have big white wellies as part of their official outfit, which is nonsensical. They must think they’re vets.
Any other questions?
September 5th, 2008 at 11:10 am
MRSA, fucking hell.
And how the fuck do you miss a broken hip? Useless cunts.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:11 am
the amusing this about someone contracting MRSA is when you go into visit them they give you a plastic apron to wear, how the fuck is that gonna protect you from MRSA?
September 5th, 2008 at 11:12 am
What were you in for, Twenty?
Those old hospitals were great – The Meath, Baggot Street, The Richmond, Patrick Duns, Mercers, Harcourt Street, Dr Stevens, the Adelaide. Only the Eye and Ear is left, which is fuck all use if you break your arm chasing ducks in Stephens Green.
Am awaiting HM’s tales of saucy nurses and legal narcotics.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:14 am
It’s not such a big deal as it’s made out to be.
I know – it’s all a lie used by mothers to child control by guilt.
It’s not widely known but Medical fashions are governed by Medical soaps and films. Dr Kildare changed everything.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:16 am
I was in St Columcilles and although a bit rough round the edges I must say the standard of care was excellent. I was shoved in the geriatric wing after getting out of ICU and that was fucking mental.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Got fuckin MRSA.
MRSA, fucking hell.
That’s it Folks, Cheer Holemaster up with horror stories and tales of medical incompetence!
September 5th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Few years ago I was in a ward in the Mater after getting a pin & some screws in my leg,I was stuck in a bed with the lyrics board & winning streak on the telly……..cruel bastards.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Oh but the drugs are good.
“Are you in pain?”
“Oh, yes, doctor, you wouldn’t believe”
“Well, here’s a prescription for some major morphiney stuff…”
Approx once a week thereafter, with a bottle of red. Cloud nine. Nice place.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:23 am
“stuck in a bed with the lyrics board…”
They use Aenghus McAnally as a motivator to get the fuck out of there and free up a bed.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Ohhh, poor Holemaster. Winning Streak? It gets worse!
September 5th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Winning Streak ? Has to be Erica Roe Twickenham 1982 ! She’s an organic sweet potato farmer in Portugal now.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Conan – car crash, I had broken bits and bruised bits and cut bits.
I fucking loved the morphine too. Seriously. It’s the best stuff ever.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:47 am
I fucking loved the morphine too. Seriously. It’s the best stuff ever.
Is it worth a lot ?
September 5th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Hospitals are fun. When I was nine I was in hospital in a ward with about 15 oul fellas. I didn’t have much wrong with me and was the errand boy for the ward. My favourite job was emptying the sputum cup for the guy in the bed next door.
He was able to hack up an almighty amount of phlegm for a samll ould fella. I had to empty the thing about 3 times a day and it took some amount of shaking to get the shit moving. I emptied it into a sink and then washed it down with the tap. It clung to the side of the sink like shit to a blanket.
Oh Happy Days!
September 5th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
That Hook cunt from newstalk is doing a Hookie can fix it spot on his show. We should request that Mary Harney visit Holemaster in hospital, that should speed his recovery up.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Did you always have a capital I in your name PP ?
September 5th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
H’es an undercover detective
Peurile PI sshhhh
September 5th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
He’s
September 5th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Puerile Pish: We should request that Mary Harney visit Holemaster in hospital, that should speed his recovery up.
Playing with fire now. FIRE. I hope HM is making it all up and laughing his bollocks off at us right now.
He’s one the few acceptable cunts on this cuntboard.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
I’m still not talkinging with youse lot. L8R, SK8rs.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
People here are going soft – time was when Miles O Tool’s post about being a young lad trapped with a bunch of old men would have been met with all sorts of vile insinuations
September 5th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
First time I got out of hospital in my youth my folks brought me to Return of the Jedi. Awesome.
Jesus Fucking Noah’s Ark / wrath of God Christ by the way.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Batty, do you hear voices?
September 5th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
I haven’t been in a hospital since birth.
Only times I’ve been to a doctors in the last 13 years were when I:
1. coughed up blood
2. went blind from acne
September 5th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
So B’dum, you’re 13 now! I must’ve missed your birthday.
September 5th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Monkey Balls says:
Batty, do you hear voices?
No. But I get visions of Injured Monkeys fairly regularly. You lot still spreading AIDS among visiting San Francisco gays?
September 5th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
doctor=GP
hospital=big big smelly building
September 5th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
We have to get him to a hospital
why what is it?
It’s a big building with sick people but that’s not important right now.
September 5th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Hospitals are like the Reality Shows on TV. Only better. And REAL!
There is a new Early Budget coming, let’s see how will the Health be covered in it.
September 5th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Funnily enough, there’s never a Late Budget.
Here’s cheerful economic news, utilising skills Monkey Nuts can only dream of while crossing a stream using a stick for balance.
There have been 255 economic crises across 17 industrialised nations since the middle of the eighteenth century.
Of those crises, 65% were over and recovery had begun after a year.
The remainder were over within 18 months.
So statistical and historical ‘bollocks’ to your doom and gloom merchants.
All stand for Amhrann na Bhfian.
September 5th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
I just picked my daughter up from her new school. They got new carpets for the first time in 18 years or something, but the roof is leaking, there are basins all round the place.
Budget? Smeh. We’ll see.
September 5th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
MMN says:
Jayze. My old man only had VHI and all I got to see was an oul consultant. That’s some health plan you’ve got there.
Heh. Like it.
September 5th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
eh?
September 5th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I’m loving this Google Chrome bit by the way, is anyone using it? Currently I’m using the ‘incognito’ page as I don’t want a pic of 20’s blog every time someone wants to use the internet.
And there’s other stuff too.
September 5th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
B’dum, how do you go blind from acne? Is that a euphemism?
I have to agree with PP – the standard of care is great, if you’re really sick.
SG is also right about the drugs – they gave me painkillers when I was leaving that will kill the pain of just about anything.
Because I was in cardiology everyone else there was over 70. Their families would arrive & give them mobiles so they could keep in touch, but none of them had ever had one before so I had to show them how to turn on, answer them & and things like that. Never felt more techie in my life.
September 5th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
It looks good, MMN, but, em, what’s Beta and do I have to know anything to use it?
September 5th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
I tried Chrome, but I missed all me little Firefox Add-Ons and Plug-Ins. Still, it looks promising.
September 5th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Search engines – do they really matter that much?
favourites – Twenty Major – haha – leave a comment – favourites – yahoo – new mail – spam – ah well – favourites – the daily mash – haha – etc.
September 5th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Tried chrome till I realised I would have to reenter all my name and url, and everything again to comment, So i switched back to Firefox. Strangely as well, Firefox did a serious crash while I was downloading Chrome…
September 5th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
theres a bit of a copyright issue with chrome people,read the t’s and c’s.basically you give them ownwership of everything you write using it..
September 5th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
im not sure if copyright overwrites it.. be careful.
September 5th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
am sitting in a hotel room at the moment,piggybacking BB like a good un,thanks to the weather btw,really came up trumps for my visit :(
September 5th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Does chrome allow barrier-free trolling?
September 5th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Dunno what beta means. Always makes me imagine a russian hooker massaging my injuries while she cocks an eyebrow at me and in that classic unimpressed Russian way, says ‘beta’?
Much better, thanks Yelena.
Here come the e-tumbleweeds……
September 5th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
‘MMN: First time I got out of hospital in my youth my folks brought me to Return of the Jedi. Awesome.’
Jayze. My old man only had VHI and all I got to see was an oul consultant. That’s some health plan you’ve got there.
‘Jesus Fucking Noah’s Ark / wrath of God Christ by the way.’
Heh. Like. Sorry about the replay folks only I’ve had to adjust for the hard of understanding.
September 5th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Beta means ‘Not quite ready for release yet, but we’ll throw it out there anyway, and let the punters do our testing for us, for free like’
September 5th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
‘Beta’ is Classical Greek representation of the letter ‘B’ in English.
Technical people say it means ‘Beta testing’ which is their way of upgrading their tedious profession with some glamour the cunts. Ignore.
September 5th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Beta O’Sullivan (snigger)
September 5th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Beta means it’s not the finished article.
It’s been tested but there might still be bugs but they’re sending it out for the world to finish testing it for them.
September 5th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Beta is what monkey balls said.
Pissssssssssssssss
September 5th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Thank you morgor.
Sluuuuuuurrp!
September 5th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
I’m goona have to go and do me hair, maybe put some make-up on. And clothes.
The Pissathon starts in only 2 hours!
September 5th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Sorry PP. I wasn’t slagging you. I meant gonna
September 5th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Still an’ ay PP, tis goona be a brae braw nict t’night, don’t ye think?
September 5th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
I get it. Tell Monkey Balls 5 o’clock, but you all go to the pub at 3:00.
September 5th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
I’m on me way.
September 5th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
MB has already pooed his pants.
September 5th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
OK lads, everyone back. He’s gone.
September 5th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Wait a minute! Bastards told me 5 o’clock too!
Hey! Monkey Balls! Wait for me!
September 5th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
That old woman walked in on me wiping my arse this morning. A real Cheryl moment – she knows me really well now.
September 5th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
I was in hospital a while ago on a ward. I caught a virus which gave me explosive diarrhea. The moved me out of the ward and into an isolation ward – single rooms – so quickly my feet barely touched the ground. Result! My own room! Diarrhea, the gift that keeps giving.
September 5th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Monkey Balls says: Beta O’Sullivan (snigger
Let’s bear in mind that humans and monkeys share roughly 97% of the same DNA profile.
I have elected to have a human name. You have picked our nearest relative, for freudian reasons best not gone into here.
Given that of all parts of the monkey to pick you have mysteriously selected the balls to put in your name.
May I ask- your missing 3% wouldn’t be in the genital area, would it?
September 5th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Holemaster: That old woman walked in on me wiping my arse this morning. A real Cheryl moment – she knows me really well now.
There is a mysterious connection between a sittee and an intruder, I feel. I wonder do inadvertant poo observers feel responsible for those they’ve burst in on?
Isn’t it amazing how you can check if there’s anyone around, listen carefully for any footfall, check again once seated, then, fully satisfied that one is solo just start backing one out and suddenly in burst the Artane Boys Band?
I’ve always disliked the Artane Boys Band and now that I’ve imagined them all piling up against me as I’m laying cable I hate them even more. Musical dressed-up Baden-Powell-dodging-cunts.
September 5th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Can’t hear you Batty. In the pub.
September 5th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Eh,MB how do propose to get in for 5 and you are still commenting,chop fucking chop… (runs out the door)
September 5th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
I don’t like this Chrome thing.
September 5th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
the acne all gathered up around my eyelids and forced them shut.
September 5th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Urgh…
September 5th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
the acne all gathered up around my eyelids and forced them shut.
Jaysus, B’dum, that’s a heavy dose
September 5th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
It’s a real shame I didn’t push to get the problem named after me.
September 6th, 2008 at 12:28 am
B’dum, that’s fucking tragic. You poor bastard. God, adolescence is cruel!
I can see a film being made of that one, like Mask. Perhaps with one of the Coors in it as your mother…
September 6th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Yeah I remember the old Meath hospital. One time visiting my brother who had a broken leg, there was a chap next to him who had been run over by a train, and both his legs had been removed. The scary part was, he was talking to a doctor and it was obvious he had no idea he was now legless. I was tempted to hang around to see when the penny dropped.
September 6th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Ireland was a better place when we had religious orders running hospitals. Ass-wiping to honour God can’t be beat.
September 6th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Bit behind with reading- good luck Holemaster, when you are over the op will tell you about something in Native American healing (if the aul wan hasn’t gone home yet, be nice to her just in case you’d think of giving it a go)
September 6th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Came on here hoping for a new post but alas.
September 6th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
The old bugger is off debauching.
September 7th, 2008 at 12:19 am
Having soken to the sister about the Native American think – YUK!
Mind you, maybe that is what Twenty is doing at the moment ?
September 7th, 2008 at 11:06 am
oh yeah? So it involves chasing women around the wig wams? Sounds great to me.
September 7th, 2008 at 11:18 am
If only it was that simple or pleasant HM.
September 7th, 2008 at 11:40 am
C’mon maggot, you have to tell us what it is.
September 7th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Does it involve sharpened sticks? Or man and man nakedness in a sweat lodge?
September 7th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Much, much, much worse Jo.
But my heart bleeds for Kvin Keegan!
September 7th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Could Trapper Tony turn out to be the greatest Irishman ever?
September 7th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Giovanni was born St Patricks day, that makes him more Irish than most of the team, there is a movement afoot to have him canonized but Eoin Hand and Steve Staunton say they will oppose any move to make him patron Saint of the 26 counties, which is a shame because if it was’nt for the Poles and the Germans he’d be a Pope by now.
St Giovanni the first Irish Pope, it’s got a certain ring to it.
September 7th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
I got my appendix out in the Meath 20 years ago. My parents had gone away on holliers but we didn’t tell them until they got back. My brother took care of everything (he was 19 then). On the day I got out, he brought in a six pack and brought me out to the Phoenix Park for a driving lesson in the old man’s car.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:25 am
yeh, not a fun place…that’s why this nurse now works on a baby unit…I still hear crying, and I still change diapers, but…. ;)
touch wood I’m not on one of those units now; got hit head-on by a drunk driver last week, my truck was totaled.