Falls wanking to the floor
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on September 2nd, 2008
Yesterday I found a very old photo ID. I stared at the picture and found it a bit difficult to reconcile me today with me back then.
I mean, I remember where I got the picture taken and I remember the jacket I wore when having it taken. It doesn’t seem like that long ago but it was. Over twenty years ago. My face is obviously much thinner and my hair is much more quiffy and fulsome. There was a time when I had to use hair gel. Now I don’t think I’ll ever have to use it again.
When the hair on your face grows faster and longer than the hair on your head you know you’re no longer a whippersnapper. But even though the world views you one way (it struck me as odd last year when the lads on a football slagged me in the dressing room for being an old cunt) it takes time to realise you are actually a grown up, doesn’t it?
You still see yourself with the same eyes, you don’t think of yourself as a 30 year old or a 40 year old, ages which would have seemed pretty ancient when you were younger. Maybe I’m not explaining this very well. That old picture kind of threw me because it’s me but it’s not me.
I’m definitely not explaining this well. The quiff didn’t really suit me though.
A quiff? A mullet would have been hugely regrettable but ‘of the time’, as they say. But a quiff? Did it come with a short leather jacket, a comb and a James Dean/Elvis/John Travolta fixation?
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:19 am
It was generally accompanied by suede shoes of some kind.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:20 am
1
Fuckers to keep clean, suede shoes.
I always wondered how, as I got taller, the ground never seemed further away. Still don’t get it.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:26 am
2
Aren’t most people’s age geiger counters jammed at about twenty-one? And from then on don’t you wonder who is old fucker who hijacked your soul - the one who stares back at you in the mirror?
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:28 am
3
I know what you mean - when we were young our road was full of little old ladies. My mother-in-law is 73 now and doesn’t look as old as they did then.
The song in your title was on the first album I ever bought, and it’s 35 years old.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:32 am
4
Has anyone seen those clips on youtube of the guy who took a photo of himself everyday for 20 years and then made a time lapse movie from them? Very disturbing. You can almost see him dying day by day.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:34 am
5
Tinman - “The song in your title was on the first album I ever bought, and it’s 35 years old.”
There is a song called “Falls Wanking to the Floor”?
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:45 am
6
Ah, a lad insane kind of quiff.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:48 am
7
Turned 40 this year. Still think I’m 21.
But my balding pate and sagging boobs tell me otherwise.
Still, feckit, no point fighting it.
Also, Twenty, dressing gowns really accelerate the ageing process. Best avoided.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:48 am
8
Haha, just re-read. Dressing room. For some reason I thought you had mentioned dressing gowns.
Must pay more attention.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:55 am
9
SG, the song’s called “Time” by David Bowie, and includes the line “time, he flexes like a whore, falls wanking to the floor.”
Classy stuff.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:58 am
10
People stay at the age at which you first meet them. So your schoolmates will always be kids to you, even when the get married and have children.
My first boss will always be a nice but stern old man, though I’m sure I’m older now than he was then.
It’s why they say you shouldn’t stay too long in your first job, as you will always be thought of as a kid no matter what age you get to.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:04 am
11
Arse, where’s my comment gone? If I write it again will it appear suddenly and repeat.
I found myself similarly obsessing on my driving licence recently. I’m not unrecognisable though, pretty much thesame, except pinker, younger, fresher, not so tired.
It was taken six years ago before I got married, my mother died, and I had a baby all at once. I’m ravaged by time and sleeplessness.
And it’s like wrinkles heard about my thirtieth birthday and gate crashed.
Maybe it’s better not to recognise yourself then, better than looking at yourself now and see yourself, instead of a tired old stranger, like my husband’s seeing at the moment. It suggests a positive self acceptance :)
Water, anti-oxidants, not so much sugar and alcohol or smoking helps you stay young. Is it worth it?
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:10 am
12
Testing?
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:11 am
13
Haha, just re-read. Dressing room. For some reason I thought you had mentioned dressing gowns.
Same here SG! I thought it said dressing gown as well!
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:42 am
14
I would agree with Twenty’s major assertion, time fucks with your brain and while you can live happily in denial past any God’s number of “significant” birthdays, eventually life comes along and bitch slap’s you. Hard.
The old photo is a classic “Life pissing in your pint” moment. My kids always comment on one of our wedding photo’s by adding “Daddy, you used to be really young didn’t you”. Which always makes my fucking day, thank you very fucking much.
It’s closely followed by finding out that one of your best mates at school, who you swore faithfully to keep in touch with has been dead for 2 years
And most seriously depressing of all, when you realise that the number of legovers remaining to be enjoyed is now significantly less than the number you have already enjoyed. .
Nothing left then but the drink. Which I guess just goes to show that every cloud really does have a silver lining…….
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:44 am
15
I had a quiff, it was a full on psycho-billy quiff……12 inches long at it’s peak. Used to get me beat up all the time and I never once got laid because of it but I persevered….
bald as a coot now though.
I miss hair….sniff sniff sniff…….
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:44 am
16
The other day my girlfriends niece asked me did I choose not to have hair.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:57 am
17
It’s a good idea not to keep old photos. They are always just horrible when viewed 20 or 30 years down the line, especially if discovered by accident in a drawer or something. My hair grows fastest in nose and on ears now. Maybe I could plat it into a sort of mask.
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:31 pm
18
Most depressing day of my life: The day I discovered during an office conversation about relationship and age differences that a freshly minted uni grad working in my London office considered me TOO OLD TO SHAG. I’d had the opposite issue - men thinking I was too young - but this had never happened before. I was only 29 FFS. I was horrified.
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:31 pm
19
“Falls wanking to the ground”
You’re still wanking, you dirty old cunt? That’s gross.
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:32 pm
20
Twenty, if you´re 40 then I´ve got 20 years on you. Don´t worry about it. Losing your hair just means one less pain in the ass to fuck with in the morning. Even when your pecker stops working, there´s always that little pill, and believe me, the little fucker down south gets harder than Chinese arithmetic. Not that I would know anything about that.
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:33 pm
21
“The other day my girlfriends niece asked me did I choose not to have hair.”
RL have you considered a comb over just to prove the point?
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:44 pm
22
no comb over - just a number 1
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:11 pm
23
Nice timing Twenty! I’ll be 47 next Tuesday. I was already a bit pissed off about it. Thanks.
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:23 pm
24
What’s happened to my comments?
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:29 pm
25
Whos for pints on Friday to celebrate MB being an old cunt??
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:38 pm
26
Can I come?
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:40 pm
27
No.. :D
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:43 pm
28
Ah..go on so MB..
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:45 pm
29
Hey Fill3rup, I have a great idea!
-Why don’t we combine your suggested piss-up with the one me, you and PP have planned for that very same night?
To remind you;
The Bar in Eamon Doran’s, next Friday, at the staggeringly early time of 5pm, until who knows.
It would make sense.
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:46 pm
30
WOW!!
THats a fantastic idea! Why didnt i think of that?? oh wait…
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:50 pm
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SuperGrover says:
Tinman - “The song in your title was on the first album I ever bought, and it’s 35 years old.”
There is a song called “Falls Wanking to the Floor”?
God- that wouldn’t be the same album of Bowies where he did the Jacques Brel song ‘My Death’?
Brilliant. That’s what started me off on my death thing.
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:54 pm
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sychopahants
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:55 pm
33
I remember looking at a 20-year old photo of myself when I turned 40 and wondering what percentage of the cells in my body were the same as back then. Utterly useless thing upon which to ponder, but then again, what else is the comments section on a blog for?
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:56 pm
34
CP- is that an anagram of psychopaths with a typo?
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:59 pm
35
God- that wouldn’t be the same album of Bowies where he did the Jacques Brel song ‘My Death’?
No, the album I’m on about is “Aladdin Sane”
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:04 pm
36
No Batty. Not the same album at all. Bowie was nicking his ideas from Brel at the time, but not so blatantly.
Now fuck off and die.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:05 pm
37
Aladdin Sane is probably my third favourite Bowie album.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:09 pm
38
Naw, a sycophant (when it’s spelled right) refers to a pachyderm who happens to be running a temperature.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:11 pm
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SychoPAhants
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:13 pm
40
I remember looking at a 20-year old photo of myself when I turned 40 and wondering what percentage of the cells in my body were the same as back then.
That is kind of weird. I’ve never broken myself to such a microscopic level before.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
41
“That is kind of weird. I’ve never broken myself to such a microscopic level before.”
Try doing mushies and looking in the mirror for a few minutes.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:09 pm
42
You had what kind of hair? ‘fulsome’ you say – that is hair that is ‘offensive to good taste, esp. as being excessive; overdone or gross’, or ‘disgusting; sickening; repulsive’. That is soooo like the Twenty we know and hate/love. Please don’t tell us that it’s just boringly abundant, luxurious and copious. Hair that reflects your personality so well is to be treasured.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:12 pm
43
“Aladdin Sane is probably my third favourite Bowie album.”
Ziggy @ #1?
Station to Station @ #2?
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:16 pm
44
fulsome is the most incorrectly used word in the english language, i reckon
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:16 pm
45
best of, #4?
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:16 pm
46
I like getting older.
but then again i’m 26 so it’s fine for now.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:24 pm
47
a young looking 26
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:25 pm
48
Ziggy @ #1?
Station to Station @ #2?
Hunky Dory or The Man who sold the World behind Station To Station??
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:25 pm
49
“Best of”s cannot be included in artists’ top albums lists.
Depending on who they are and the perspective of the list writer, the ‘Best of’ will usually automatically go top or bottom.
For what it’s worth:
1. Low
2. Station to Station
3. ‘Heroes’
4. Changesonebowie
Yes, 4 is a joke. Har har.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:28 pm
50
Monkey Balls: No Batty. Not the same album at all. Bowie was nicking his ideas from Brel at the time, but not so blatantly. Now fuck off and die.
Thanks for the information Monkey Balls. I’ll call a press conference for you so you can announce your peculiar view that covering someone else’s song is ‘nicking’.
You are probably confused because you think that covering someone elses’s song on an album and handing over royalties is the same as standing by a Dart stop trying to play Amhrann Na Bhfian on a fucking comb for heroin money.
But I’ll allow for your mental age and drug habit.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:30 pm
51
Incidentally, I went to recapture the vibe down in Fibber Magee’s there just over a year ago.
Sauntered around with a cheap pint of lager, on down to the dancefloor downstairs and resumed my once much loved wall-lean, head-nod posture.
Some yolk with striped arm-warmers and wacky-as-fuck hair skipped up to me.
I felt lucky (but mildly pervy - she was about 17) as fuck as she leaned in towards me.
-that didn’t last too long…
“Too old!” she declared.
I had to reconsider retorting that a) I didn’t consider myself ‘that’ old, and b) when I was her age we had respect for everyone in Fibber’s, regardless even of age.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
52
I like the bit about ‘fuck off and die’ though. Just for that- here’s a link to the official photo of Mary Harney on the Department of Health’s website. Its worth a look if only for the fact that she’s obviously used a photo that’s twenty years out of date and 16 stone ago.
http://www.dohc.ie/about_us/ministers/
Good man.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
53
“You are probably confused because you think that covering someone elses’s song on an album and handing over royalties is the same as standing by a Dart stop trying to play Amhrann Na Bhfian on a fucking comb for heroin money.”
Hate to add fuel to the fire and all that, but LOfuckinL
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
54
1 - Man who sold the world
2 - Hunky Dory
3 - Aladdin Sane
4 - Low, Ziggy, Station to Station
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:48 pm
55
I wonder does David Bowie mind getting old?
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:49 pm
56
Top 4 Eddy Grant albums…?
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:53 pm
57
1:Hunky Dory
2:Ziggy Stardust
3:Lets Dance (i was 7 when it was out.memories etc)
4:Man who sold the world
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:53 pm
58
SuperGrover says: Top 4 Eddy Grant albums…?
Killer on the Rampage 1982
Hearts and Diamonds 2001
Eddie Grants Greatest Hits 2006
Eddie Grants Greatest Hits 2007
Eddie Grants Greatest Hits 2008
There you go. That’s five in any man’s language. Heh, as the fella that pays for this blog might grunt.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:58 pm
59
Bowie is the epitome of growing old gracefully.
I guess all the utterly disgraceful crap he did (in the public eye) in his youth means he can’t but do otherwise.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:58 pm
60
Took my brother to see Bowie on the Glass Spider tour. Memorable also for the fact that Big Country were supporting (jesus who decided that) and appealed to the crowd to stop throwing plastic bottles of urine at the stage. At which point the Big County gobshite on the mike got hit by- a plastic bottle of urine. They threatened to go off stage and there was a great cheer went up.
Monkey balls- a concert is where the actual human beings who constitute a ‘band’ turn up and play instruments and sing and try to recreate the sound you heard on your ma’s gramophone (ref Boyzone). And look tired of life and interesting so girls will in turn be interested in them.
If you save up your dole you too can attend a concert or ‘gig’ as it is also known.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:09 pm
61
David Bowie’s wife’s cousin is Irish. She’s called ‘Yerman’.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:14 pm
62
I’m still using a photo of me when I was 13 for my passport.
Doesn’t work too well now that my face is hidden underneath a beard and longish hair half the time… which leaves me roaring at people “LOOK INTO MY EYES!” whenever I’ve to use it.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:24 pm
63
1 - Man who sold the world
2 - Hunky Dory
…
Jayz Twenty, I didn’t know you were as old as meself.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:28 pm
64
I’m pleasantly surprised at the number of votes for Hunky Dory. That and ‘Low’ are my favourites.
The mother prefers his gay nazi phase.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:32 pm
65
Ha. B’dum. You could scribble in the appropriate hair with a marker.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:36 pm
66
Aladdin Sane is my favourite, and I thought I was the only person on earth who’d bought the Man Who Sold the World
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:37 pm
67
B’dum: now that my face is hidden underneath a beard and longish hair half the time… which leaves me roaring at people “LOOK INTO MY EYES!”
Brilliant- I bet you look like Rasputin. Hur.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:44 pm
68
Excuse me again, but why has nobody pointed out that Bowie is a thieving cunt?
Your preferences for particular albums only shows up your preference for a different collaborator.
Bowie is a cunt. Not as much a cunt as Batty, but still a cunt.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:47 pm
69
How is Bowie a stealing cunt?
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:49 pm
70
Come on Twenty. Can you not see it?
The overpowering influence that certain people had over certain albums?
-Where would he be now if he hadn’t used Ronson, Eno, Iggy Pop, Chic?
When he stopped doing it, we got Tin Machine. I think that’s all the proof you’ll need.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:54 pm
71
Bowie wrote the songs. Perhaps it would be better to say he brought the best out of Ronson. It was Bowie who produced Iggy’s best album, not the other way around. Who was Brian Eno before he worked with Bowie?
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:57 pm
72
Monkey balls is about to mention Warron Zeevon. It looks like he thinks being influenced by someone is also an intellectual property rights issue.
Bowie has never been accused of plagiarism by anyone. Zeevon and he were mates.
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:00 pm
73
Brian Eno was a founder member of Roxy Music, until Bryan Ferry’s ego got the better of the band.
He had a subsequent career outside of the mainstream, and has been the most influential white person in modern rock music that I can think of. Second would be Peter Gabriel.
Without Bowie, I’m ready to admit that Eno wouldn’t be where he is today. That’s got a lot more to do with publicity than merit.
I’m not dismissing Bowie either. I grew up loving him. (NO- not literally!)My first ‘musical memory’ is of him performing ‘Life On Mars’ on TOTP. I just think he gets a lot of credit for stuff he doesn’t actually do himself.
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:05 pm
74
What the fuck would I be mentioning Warron Zeevon for? Is he related to Warren Zevon? Should I have heard of him?
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:07 pm
75
No question he uses people to get the sounds he wants but he always used the right people, if that makes sense.
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:08 pm
76
My daughters had their passport photos taken when they were 1. 10 year passports! They’re 6 now but the passports are still perfectly valid according to the people at US Immigration. I ask them every time we travel if I need to get them renewed and they say there’s no need.
I guess I’d better not tell them the daughter who likes to wear dark glasses has affiliations with the Communist Party and the other one enjoys Cuban cigars.
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:14 pm
77
That’s true. Very true, and he deserves credit.
-But he’s no Mark E Smith, is he? Not by an extremely long chalk!
M.E.S. -The true ‘chameleon’ of Rock.
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:14 pm
78
See, I always thought Mark E Smith was a tedious twat. Never liked one of his records.
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:17 pm
79
I guess I’d better not tell them the daughter who likes to wear dark glasses has affiliations with the Communist Party and the other one enjoys Cuban cigars.
Wait till they’re 7 at least.
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:18 pm
80
Any problem anyone has with Mark E Smith is because you approach him as somehow similar to the leader of any other band. The Fall exist outside and within the ‘Music Industry’. They are primarily a ‘Working Band’, not an image.
-Find it funny that you say you can’t find a song by The Fall that you like. I can’t find one, from the billion and a half that they’ve released that I don’t love. BEST BAND EVER, FULL STOP. Everything else is just redundant.
And I really must go to work now. I’m due in in half an hour, and it takes an hour to get there.
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:26 pm
81
Hey! Click My Link!©
©copyright maggot 2008
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:41 pm
82
Link doesnt work MB..
Try my link people!!
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:53 pm
83
Bowie was the greatest pop songwriter of all time.
He has more quality tunes than the Beatles by a considerable margin.
It was his desperate jumping of fads that ruined him in the 80s.
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:50 pm
84
Batty
I am the lover of the Russian queen
and Russia’s greatest love machine
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:52 pm
85
My passport up till last year was me at 21, with a big head of Robert Plant hair and sideburns.
I hated having to change it. It was like confirmation that I was an old cunt.
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:14 pm
86
Ra ra rasputin got there before you B’dum
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:29 pm
87
My passports/drivers licences etc all have me looking like some kind of serial killer. Which is nice.
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:31 pm
88
I’m 68 and just returned from Electric Picnic.
Only band worth seeing there was Sigur Ros. Sex Pistols were only OK … miss Sid.
You have to keep up with your image of yourself.
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:00 pm
89
Thats the human condition for you twenty.
A few things you failed to mention.
The long hairs that grow out of your ears and nose.
Plus the way you can end up with eyebrows like peeFlynn if yer not careful.
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:04 pm
90
Monkey balls don’t forget Eno’s work with talking heads and Devo either.
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:07 pm
91
Bye Bye Internet explorer/mozilla
http://www.google.com/chrome/eula.html
Just thought some of you might be interested..
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:12 pm
92
Yacuncha: miss sid eh? his great bass playing and all was great wasn’t it.
could be they were just shit to begin with?
OFTR: Plant never had sideburns did he?
maggot: I’ll just add another Ra
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:49 pm
93
does Bowie mind getting old?,he wears a wig don’t ye know{a good one,mind},and scary monsters was his best of the 80’s.We must recall Morrisseys comment on Bowie,”he’s responsible for some of the finest music of all time,but nothing after ‘74”.And don’t start me on The Beatles,what a bunch of ‘get lucky’ merchants,…..
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:21 pm
94
stupid computer
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:09 pm
95
The stars look very different today.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:51 pm
96
I remember thinking “who’s that fat bastard who looks like my Dad” and then realising I’d caught sight of my own reflection in a shop window.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:22 pm
97
Sounds like that photo sparked of a severe case of Mid Life Crisis. I know exactly what you’re going through..
Visit My Kitchen
September 3rd, 2008 at 12:36 am
98
I had my photo taken with Hugo Weaving last week. I was going to e-mail it to all my friends and relatives, but then I saw how old I looked in it and thought better of it.
September 3rd, 2008 at 1:18 am
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©copyright maggot 2008
What was that all about MB ?
Re Bowie - anybody with the good taste to marry the Anti-Naomi…..
September 3rd, 2008 at 1:43 am
100
Jesus you are all taking the age thing TOO visually and elevating Bowie to a level even he wouldn’t want to hear. Years = wisdom in my book. Euphemism for ugliness you might say.
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:52 am
101
Bowie peaked with “The laughing gnome”… everything after that is an anti-climax.
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:53 am
102
Diamond Dogs is my favourite. I’m playing it now. But Bowie is just a man. Talented, as we all are. Despite the drivel, I have unearthed my Bowie collection as a result of these pathetic posts. Cheers Twenty!
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:03 am
103
I recommend this interview with Irish-American stand-up comedian George Carlin, his last, on the comedy of life. He died two days following this — that’s comedy, folks. “La comedia e finite,” as some say:
http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/brainstorm/200806/george-carlins-last-interview
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:40 am
104
Do people in their forties still get emotional about “pop music” a la MB’s comments? I thought that was a teenage/twenties thing.
Maybe I’m being retro-ageist, it happens when you hit a certain age.
Hey man, leave me alone.
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:13 am
105
morning
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:35 am
106
Favourite Bowie track of all time is of course Young Americans.
September 3rd, 2008 at 10:05 am
107
I ent read this blog for ages and now I see you are wistful about being an old cunt, great stuff.
September 3rd, 2008 at 6:47 pm
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