Lend me your ears
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on August 26th, 2008
“Twenty”, said Dirty Dave, “did you see they found a huge statue of a Roman ruler in Turkey?”
“No, I did not”.
“It’s odd though, isn’t it?”
“What is?”
“That they would make a statue like that?”
“Is it?”
“I mean, a statue of a great emporer is one thing but a simple measuring device hardly deserves such acclaim”.
“Jesus. Did you know that it was Roman emperor who invented the concept of deja-vu?”
“Really?”
“Yes”.
“Goodness”.
“Also, without the Romans there would be such thing as Playstations”.
“You’re kidding”.
“No”.
“That’s fascinating”.
“And they came up with the idea of unmanned space flight, suggesting that monkeys could be used to test it before we sent people up there. They predated the efforts of the Americans by centuries”.
“I’m staggered”.
“Of course they didn’t suggest dogs like the Russians used because that would have been unspeakably cruel”.
“Exactly, how is a dog supposed to go for a walk when he’s that far up in a space capsule. Those Romans, no wonder they died out”.
In the interests of being as pedantic as SAm I think it would have been an emperor.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:07 am
I really should proof read
August 26th, 2008 at 9:11 am
1
I think you can be excused given you have written and published two books, whereas the closest I got to being published was my dissertation which was an amphetimine fuelled rant.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:16 am
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Just like my books!
August 26th, 2008 at 9:19 am
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what have blogs ever done for us……??
August 26th, 2008 at 9:24 am
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Whats with the fucking weather?
Its duller than a stamp-collector’s soul today..
August 26th, 2008 at 9:27 am
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Want to hear the biggest load of wank in Christendom?
My company is shipping us all to a hotel this afternoon, for a brainstorming session to come up with a company motto/slogan.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:30 am
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Jeeze PP. It’s good to hear they’ve done all their work for the year.
I did one of those once but we stayed on site.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:32 am
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“If all else fails,Have a pointless meeting”
How’s that PP?
August 26th, 2008 at 9:34 am
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There might have been sandwiches though.
Twenty, proof reading’s overrated. Though your impeccable standards are slipping a bit.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:34 am
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Great I love slogan meetings. how about “We care slightly less than you”
August 26th, 2008 at 9:35 am
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Slogan for any Bank:
“Had a bad week?
Fuck you,pay me!”
August 26th, 2008 at 9:37 am
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Are you in banking, PP?
Suggest “the bank that likes to say ‘Oh Shiiiit!’”
Someone on Mock the Week last week suggested that Halifax’s next ad should just show Howard swinging gently from a noose.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:44 am
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Any word on book 2?
August 26th, 2008 at 9:45 am
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If I’d a bank I’d name it the Pelvic Trust.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:00 am
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Y’know those romans prolly thought up bras, thongs and airplanes too. bastards.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:01 am
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When you think of the Romans, you always think of a proud, educated, inventive, strong civilsation.
Then you remember they were Italians.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:03 am
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Hmm, I don’t know, I like Italians.
I think Roman Italians are quite different from other Italians too - my friend from Milan disliked thm intensely.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:07 am
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I hate that goggle eyed cunt Howard and his Korean Robin.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:09 am
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Then you remember they were Italians.
They were not Italians - Italy didn’t exist until after the Great Potato Famine.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:12 am
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Not saying I dislike Italians, Jo, it’s just hard to imagine them as the founders of modern civilization.
It’s amazing they stopped whistling at girls long enough to invent anything.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:13 am
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I think the Romans were more likely to whistle at boys. Homosexuals, the lot of them.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:17 am
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You sound bitter Jo.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:20 am
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they liked oysters and snails
August 26th, 2008 at 10:21 am
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………http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3cGnaxtnQ3E
August 26th, 2008 at 10:24 am
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No, actually, maggot, just messing. I’ve never been there.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:28 am
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Heh, I’ve never been to ancient Rome, like.
Had a nice holiday in Classical Greece though.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:28 am
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I’m allergic to Rome.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:33 am
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Nothing wrong with Rome, fantastic city. There is a huge amount of rivalry between north/south Italy , they basically believe that southern Italy is dirty and full of scumsuckers.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:12 am
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Nothing wrong with Rome, fantastic city.
What sort of Hun are you ? Trying to go undercover ?
August 26th, 2008 at 11:24 am
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My mate went on a Tour of Italy for his honeymoon.They arrived in Naples,realised it was a shithole full of of scumbags and left asap..
Only place he’s ever been where is felt his life was in danger…
August 26th, 2008 at 11:26 am
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Yep that would be right Naples is full of dirty cunts, bit like Belfast
August 26th, 2008 at 11:32 am
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bit like Belfast
I hope your prostate gets a rupture and you are given a barbed wire truss!
August 26th, 2008 at 11:36 am
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Rome is a lovely place but I get pissed off in crowds and heat.
Siena, now there’s a town.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:43 am
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Fucking Hell Maggot I am not detecting much peace there, you warmongering larva
August 26th, 2008 at 11:44 am
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Oh, and Belfast is a shitehole, except for maybe 1 sq km
August 26th, 2008 at 11:44 am
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if an Italian tourist was parachuted out of a plane onto Sherrif St they would think Naples was a love in…..
August 26th, 2008 at 11:46 am
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This is all very well and good, but did you guys know that it was Roman emperor who invented the concept of deja-vu?
August 26th, 2008 at 11:48 am
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Are you referring to the vomitarium Stehen?
August 26th, 2008 at 11:57 am
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Italy is a lovely country. I’m sure its has its shitholes like anywhere, but overall its good.
Calabria (spelling?) is stunning. Full of mafia types, but I didn’t feel in any danger
Brillant food and wine. Heaven
August 26th, 2008 at 11:59 am
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I’d love to go to Sicily some day. To Corleone. The scenery is amazing in the Gaodfather II when Michael goes back to the old country.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
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Lake Maggiore in N. Italy is absolutely stunning.
Stephen, when the Emperor invented deja-vu, did he not get the feeling that he’d invented it before?
August 26th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
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Did any of yous ever shag an italian woman?
Any good?
August 26th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
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Not a very imaginative name for a lake considering the beauty of their language.
Italian artisans make some of the worlds finest pipes - shame they are overshadowed by the Danes. Crap tobacco though.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
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The Jordan (Katie Price)sex tape was on TV last night Peadar - gave ne a headache.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
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Did any of yous ever shag an italian woman?
Ya shes was a sack of spuds in the bed and dry (as in not fun, not the other type…)
August 26th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
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a sack of spuds in the bed
The great sex famine of 2001 - 2007 ?
August 26th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
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She just lay there and took it… no movement…
August 26th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
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The statue found was of Marcus Aurelius, who said amongst other things: “Death is a release from the impressions of the senses, and from desires that make us their puppets, and from the vagaries of the mind, and from the hard service of the flesh.”
Could that be the company slogan you’re looking for, PP?
August 26th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
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How about “Arbeit macht frei” ?
August 26th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
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That’ll do nicely Boggle, I can submit that and then fuck off for a pint
August 26th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
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Classy today, gents.
Did anyone see that programme about Italy with the Italian aristocratic type with the curly grey hair? It was sort of ‘Italy, my Italy’. It was lovely.
And then Rick Stein’s mediterranean programme made it look gorgeous too.
Sigh. Italy.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
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Did any of yous ever shag an italian woman?
Any good?
Oh Peadar, I thought no-one was going to ask. Thank you!
-Of course I’ve shagged an Italian woman! She was great, but she went a little bit weird on me. I knew her in London where we went out together for about two months. Then, out of the blue, during a short holiday I had back home, she shaved off all her hair, (yes, that too!), then stuck nude black and white prints of herself, life-size, all over the walls of her sitting room. She was hanging around with Vivienne Westwood at the time and went a bit mental on the peircing.I’ve no idea what she thinks I did on her, but she never really spoke to me after I got back.
Still, deadly ride!
(And she was from Florence, if that makes any difference.)
August 26th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
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I think Maggot my Jewish colleagues may have something to say about that.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
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Jo:The programme you describe was
Francesco’s Venice with Francesco De Mosta
who is an architect and historian.
I bought it on dvd recently,excellent history of Venice.Im going there is Sept and that programme has made the trip even more exciting
He dod a new programme on BBC called Francesco’s Mediterranian Voyage which was his ancestors trading route from Venice to Constantiopol (as it was called at the time)
Now my memory brain is tired..zzzzzzz…
August 26th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
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It predates the Nazis PP - was a book title, published in 1872 and adopted by the Weimar Government to boost their attempts to combat unemloyment by a public works scheme - it mocked a much older saying “Stadtluft macht frei” - City air makes Free.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
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“Because air is free”. That’s even more insulting.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
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He also did Francesco’s Italy, where he drove around Italy in an Alfa.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
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I saw that Medit Tour thingy - I’m afraid to say he looked too disconsertingly like a cross between David Icke and John Inverdale.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
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She just lay there and took it… no movement…
Was she alive?
August 26th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
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For her sake I hope not Morgor
August 26th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
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PP:havent seen that one.I must check it out..
August 26th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
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She just lay there and took it… no movement…
The starfish, I believe.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
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OK off now to do some slogan slinging, if there is some cunt from a marketing agency there I will be driven to violence.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
63
Did anyone see that programme about Italy with the Italian aristocratic type with the curly grey hair? It was sort of ‘Italy, my Italy’. It was lovely.
And then Rick Stein’s mediterranean programme made it look gorgeous too.
Sigh. Italy.
The Jamie Oliver show where he travelled around Italy was very good too. A lot of people can’t stand him (myself included up until recent times) but he did well with it.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
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I though italian women didn’t like to shave
August 26th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
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Puerile Pish says:
‘Want to hear the biggest load of wank in Christendom?
My company is shipping us all to a hotel this afternoon, for a brainstorming session to come up with a company motto/slogan.’
Oh you poor bastard. I worked for a corporation and became slowly convinced over time that there is a slightly crazed unmarried 45 year old woman directing all such CR, HR stuff. Which is why whenever there’s an office make-over the result always looks vaguely like a montessori class with slightly bigger chairs.
The last time we collected loads of people together and used an office in the middle of the marketing department in order to try to define what marketing people did. I did say to my boss ‘if we opened the door and threw something out we’d hit a marketing person. Can’t we just ask one of them’
Apparently not. Its better for 20 people to be flown in to spend half a day writing guesses on a whiteboard under ‘What Marketing People do’.
I checked after. The event was a complete waste. The guesses were so far of base the whole events was a waste of money.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
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Don’t bother going to Venice, Fill, it would be cheaper just to go to Carlow.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
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“Its better for 20 people to be flown in to spend half a day writing guesses on a whiteboard under ‘What Marketing People do’.
I checked after. The event was a complete waste. The guesses were so far of base the whole events was a waste of money.”
Who said the guesses were off base, Batty? The marketing people? I’m guessing you lot said things like “they do feck-all” and the marketing people said “wrong”.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
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Actually, if by any chance PP works for 2FM, he’s already come up with the slogan:
“Want to hear the biggest load of wank in Christendom? Tune to the Gerry Ryan Show”.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
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Tinman18:Don’t bother going to Venice, Fill, it would be cheaper just to go to Carlow.
It would be emotionally and psychologically much more expensive to go to Carlow.Unless i was delivering that long over-due Dirty Bomb..
August 26th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
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This is all very well and good, but did you guys know that it was Roman emperor who invented the concept of deja-vu?
Wait…
August 26th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
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Nice work Fill. My brain refuses to retain facts, just fleeting impressions. Hee, David Ike.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
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Was she alive?
Im sure she was alive…At least when i started….Maybe than explains her dryness though…
August 26th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
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Tinman18 says:
“Its better for 20 people to be flown in to spend half a day writing guesses on a whiteboard under ‘What Marketing People do’.
I checked after. The event was a complete waste. The guesses were so far of base the whole events was a waste of money.”
Who said the guesses were off base, Batty? The marketing people? I’m guessing you lot said things like “they do feck-all” and the marketing people said “wrong”.’
Seriously, this is one of the biggest Irish connected multinationals and their marketing people do a lot of number crunching around ‘if we give x discount on this product how many extra packs will we sell’. They then hire creative agencies to brand and sell the exercise if worthwhile.
The meeting came to the conclusion that all marketing people sat around imagining advertisements.
The same company had a hugely expensive meeting in Scotland, the fun part of which was supposed to be each participant’s selection of a hero and why- to be published in a sort of ‘glee-book’.
Some wag nominated Adolf Hitler and I had a hell of a job persuading the blonde in charge not to publish that one. She thought it was a valid choice- I’m all for free speech myself but putting Adolf Hitler on an ‘our heros’ publication would not ahve gone down at all well on the US east coast and half the company laywers would have been on the warpath. I saved her job. She sulked.
Mind you, the same bunch very nearly released a product in Ireland and Stateside called ‘Black and Tan’ on the basis the phrase had some historical connection with Ireland.
Americans. You know the word.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
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Well, that Marcus Aurelius rocks hard as a veritable fund of mottos:
‘Take away your opinion, and there is taken away the complaint’
August 26th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
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Jesus Batty,you work with some geniuses..
Would it have been worth it to let the silly bint put Adolf in just to see her torn to shreds by a load of New York Lawyers
August 26th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
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?
August 26th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
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Brutus invented the mojito.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
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Augustus invented breaking wind in a lift
August 26th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
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No, that was Sulla. Brutus developed some rum-lime prototypes that evolved into the Daiquiri under a team led by Suetonius.
August 26th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
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Ahh, I always get that mixed up.
August 26th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
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