A quiet weekend
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on August 18th, 2008
Monday is a good time to recount an interesting and perhaps amusing story from the weekend. Perhaps someone got drunk and, as a party piece, pissed in their own mouth. Or someone got ploughed down by a cyclist while crossing the road causing the cyclist to go flying over the handlebars.
Sadly this weekend I was barely out of the house at all so nothing interesting happened. The only time I did go out was to the supermarket on Sunday to pick up some food and more booze.
Dirty Dave is a considerate kind of chap, despite being more stupid than Joey Deacon’s shoe, and he invited me around to his place on Saturday night, just in case I needed a break from the book. It was tempting but his offer to ‘boil up a couple of t-bone steaks’ just didn’t quite do it for me.
I’m still doing that typing words that rhyme with the word I’m supposed to write thing as well. This is making corrections on the drivel masterful prose I have created take just that little bit longer.
Over the course of the weekend my estimated booze consumption has been:
24 beers (4 six-packs of Cooper’s pale ale), 7 bottles of red wine, some shots of Jameson and a big shot of Limoncello from the bottle I found in the freezer when I was looking to see if I had anything in there I could eat (frozen burger buns are not so appetising).
Next weekend I’m not taking it so handy.
Was this shot of limoncello glugged straight from the bottle while standing at the freezer, perchance?
August 18th, 2008 at 9:40 am
It wasn’t so much a shot as a tumbler
August 18th, 2008 at 9:43 am
1
WTF is limoncello?
August 18th, 2008 at 9:46 am
2
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limoncello
August 18th, 2008 at 9:47 am
3
Mmm…Limoncello… Bring it back from a booze cruise did ya?
When’s publication date?
I’ve a story from the weekend. Was up driving around the mountains last night (dumping a body, obviously) and came across a 4×4 arse-up in a ditch. There was a person looking weak, half hanging out of the passenger seat window. Better half stopped the car, told me to stay put but get my phone out. He went up to the drivers window.
The two people in the front of the 4×4 just jumped up and frightened the shite out of us.
Feckers.
August 18th, 2008 at 9:50 am
4
The two people in the front of the 4×4 just jumped up and frightened the shite out of us.
Bastards..i take it you buried 2 extra bodies then?
August 18th, 2008 at 9:54 am
5
LOL! Didn’t think of that. I’m clearly crap at this crime lark.
August 18th, 2008 at 9:56 am
6
Are you talking in Chinese numbers or Irish numbers?
August 18th, 2008 at 9:56 am
7
Publication Feb 09.
Were those people just waiting for someone to pass by so they could scare them?
August 18th, 2008 at 9:57 am
8
Drinking alcopops is for kids.
Limoncello is for pansies.
August 18th, 2008 at 9:59 am
9
Yes! They seemed to think it was hilarious. Of course I could see the funny side ten minutes later but at the time I had that horrible sick feeling that this was going to be a horrible experience waiting for the paramedics etc. Now I’m thinking I know a lot of people who’d wish they’d thought of it themselves ;)
Feb’09…that’s not too long to wait! Good luck with the rhyme-edits.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:01 am
10
Campo di Fiore in Bray - really nice Italian food, slow service but a complimentary shot of limoncello or sambucca afterwards.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:02 am
11
Watched a very accurate simulacrum of Niagara Falls flowing through some poor bastards garden on Saturday. Nice little cottage, in a nice little village in Westmeath apart from the vast quantities of water flowing across his lawn and down the main street obviously and the fucking endless rain too.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:02 am
12
I did fuck all, although I got into a Mexican stand off in the Tesco car park because some stupid tart wouldn’t drive through four inches of water and proceeded to drive up the one way system. I refused to move and she was freaking out because she couldn’t reverse her car. I wouldn’t mind but her car was one of those 4×4s the size of Brazil and probably could have driven through the fucking Liffey without pause. Two Camel Lights later she did an awkward three pointer, flipped me the bird and drove out of Tesco car park without her shopping.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:05 am
13
Whats wrong with the following sentence:
“Nice little cottage, in a nice little village in Westmeath”
The use of nice twice in a sentence containing Westmeath.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:06 am
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The husband was told a worrying tale by a work colleague - about how he was driving round the Sally Gap at night (the details got weirder and more incriminating as the story unfolded). He saw a group of guys with guns and masks crossing the road in single file. Now they didn’t notice him because he was coasting down the hill with his engine off - and he didn’t have his lights on - but the guys in masks where what he found strange about the story! Everyone listening nervously refrained from asking him what hte fuck he was doing in the Sally Gap and night, driving round with his lights and engine off.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:13 am
15
So really what you’re saying is that the guys in the 4×4 last night were possibly acting as scout for a proper bunch of criminals? Interesting…
That, or your hubby’s work colleague was out messing again.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:19 am
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Hey Jo, they were locals setting up an ambush for that stupid fucker who is always cruising round the neighbourhood with his lights off and no engine running.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:22 am
17
Judging by your intake over the week end you are clearly a pregnant knacker Twenty.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:22 am
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Heh, MJ, that would be ramping it up, wouldn’t it.
Had they really set the whole thing up? Flipping the car? Or had they flipped the car and then were unable to let such an opportunity for a jolly jape pass by?
Hooronahonda, are there even locals up there? I thought it was all just nature and people burying bodies.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:29 am
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Jo, it may have been the Wicklow Synchronised Sheep shagging team.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:32 am
20
Jo, it may have been the Wicklow Synchronised Sheep shagging team.
Insert racist Wicklow comment here….
August 18th, 2008 at 10:36 am
21
Hmm, if that’s what it was, why did they have guns? Do they shag them and then murder them so they can’t tell, like that guy in England?
August 18th, 2008 at 10:38 am
22
Are you saying they were ‘on the lamb’ PP?
August 18th, 2008 at 10:44 am
23
Not even a sheep would be seen with one of those mountain men from Roundwood or the like, so the gun ensures compliance. Kind of like rohypnol for the Wicklow man.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:48 am
24
I think maybe Jo has it, they probably thought the 4×4 that they had obviously knicked would be able to go off-road but didn’t see the depth of the ditch from the road.
And then couldn’t leave a good opportunity wasted.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:59 am
25
Jeeze, a double crime!
August 18th, 2008 at 11:33 am
26
we should swap roles some weekend, I could spend the weekend living like you and you could spend the weekend dealing with coke monkeys and stoned chefs….wow I’d pay to see that…….serious offer btw…..I’m available anytime…
August 18th, 2008 at 11:44 am
27
Speaking of double crimes - where is Morgor?
August 18th, 2008 at 11:48 am
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That could make for a strange chapter, manuel.
Did you like that chef sitcom, the one with the guy from Buffy in it?
August 18th, 2008 at 11:48 am
29
It’s a trick!
You’ll end up doing manuel labour.
August 18th, 2008 at 11:52 am
30
@jo no I didn’t, there is nothing funny about chefs, anti-christs in aprons….
@monkey balls bwahahahaha I’m stealing that….
August 18th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
31
during the 48 hours of saturday and sunday, I slept over 30 hours
August 18th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
32
I’ll trade you Sundays Twenty I had the pleasure to take my son to a friends birthday party at MickyD’s bright lights crap food and what 30 odd screaming 8 year olds…my brain still hurts
August 18th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
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Not certain, but I think that qualifies as a coma, b’dum.
August 18th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
34
I want weetabix.
August 18th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
35
Fill3rup says:
‘Jo, it may have been the Wicklow Synchronised Sheep shagging team.
Insert racist Wicklow comment here….’
Wicklow people have funny slitty eyes and they can’t speak. They can only mime. Wexford people do the voice-overs for them on wet Tuesday nights in the Rosslare Harbour Hotel.
Was that alright?
August 18th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
36
Limoncello looks and tastes like Mr Proper.
I should know, I did a comparison.
August 18th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
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Batty that was perfect!! you could have also gone for the inbred/cousin marrying slant and also the fact that shoplifting is taught in all primary schools there..
August 18th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
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Jaypers Twenty, that’s a fairly fierce amount of booze.
I had … 2 G&Ts and 1 can of carlsberg and 4 bottles of stella.
I must be ill.
Everyone I know who has done waiting hates chefs, but I know 3 chefs and 2 of them are normal, the third fits into Manuels categories above.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
39
But do you know them in the kitchen, morgor?
B’dum, during the 48 hours of saturday and sunday, I slept over 30 hours
I should say ‘practising for college, eh?’ but Jealous Jo says ‘You Bastard!’
August 18th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
40
Fill3rup says:
Batty that was perfect!! you could have also gone for the inbred/cousin marrying slant and also the fact that shoplifting is taught in all primary schools there..
How come Wicklow people are the only ones offered a useful education? I wouldn’t worry about the inbred bit- I live in London and the ‘cream’ of society here wouldn’t stand up to too much genetic inspection, let me tell you. It no wonder Prince Charles is going on about Genetic Modification. He KNOWS.
Maybe Cork people are taught shoplifting in Irish which is why they haven’t caught on yet.
Never open a sweetie shop in the Gaeltacht.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
41
I’m still doing that typing words that rhyme with the word I’m supposed to write thing as well. This is making corrections on the drivel masterful prose I have created take just that little bit longer.
maybe it’s the amount of booze that’s causing you to type the wrong word and why its taking so long to do the corrections. Were you drinking while you worked? Thats a shit load of red wine.
I had approx. 20 pint bottles of bulmers, 3 bottles of white wine and a few vodkas
August 18th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
42
I live in London and the ‘cream’ of society here wouldn’t stand up to too much genetic inspection, let me tell you. It no wonder Prince Charles is going on about Genetic Modification. He KNOWS
well when your family tree is a stump, questions need to asked.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
43
Having lived in London for 13 years, I can concur that London is full of a different class of scum, and what is worse is that much of that scum portrays itself as middle class. Wicklow people do not inbreed to the same degree as mutants from Kerry or Longford. Just look at the Kerry football team to see evidence of long dark winter nights and a short walk to the sisters bedroom.
Wicklow does have a strange accent, but compared to the mangling English gets in the Northside, where the alphabet seems to have lost some letters, they are miles ahead.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
44
I live in London and the ‘cream’ of society here wouldn’t stand up to too much genetic inspection, let me tell you. It no wonder Prince Charles is going on about Genetic Modification. He KNOWS
Fill3rup says: ‘well when your family tree is a stump, questions need to asked.’
Its the fourth Prince I feel sorry for. The one they keep in the attic at Sandringham and feed on rancid grouse. Poor little Prince Five-Heads.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
45
“I had approx. 20 pint bottles of bulmers, 3 bottles of white wine and a few vodkas”
You people drink too much. That would mess me up rightly.
Though, I was at a wedding on Friday and had champagne, scotch, white and red wines, guinness, erdinger and g&t’s.
But it was over a whole day.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
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Puerile Pish says:
‘Having lived in London for 13 years, I can concur that London is full of a different class of scum, and what is worse is that much of that scum portrays itself as middle class. Wicklow people do not inbreed to the same degree as mutants from Kerry or Longford.’
You are dead right Peader. London is full of mangled upright DNA sequences and the middle class are indeed most vile. I’ve heard those eejits say they are ‘Anglo-Saxon’ quite proudly like a little dog might say ‘I’m a mixture’.
Never heard of a mongrel winning Crufts, y’know.
I wonder is there a kind of Darwin ‘Origin of the Species’ progression chart available from Easons showing Wexford people at the smartend and working all the way back to Kerryman via Longfordman, Carlowman and ending up with RuralFiannaFailman?
I’d buy it.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
47
That was spread over the whole weekend - three nights.
August 18th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
48
hey twenty, i’m an editor, if you don’t have one to review your book yet you can give me a shout
looove lemoncello, straight from the freezer, the head freeze and the sugar rush. ah yeah…
August 18th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
49
Hey Twenty, I am a tight Jock who got stiffed by Amazon for your first book, could you send me a free copy of the next book, just because I can’t be arsed paying for the it.
August 18th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
50
hey PP, hope that was not meant for me. i am an editor and was offering to edit twenty’s books because of his mention is his post of how it’s taking him ages to edit it and all that. there is no need for a comment like that really…
August 18th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
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i agree. no need whatsoever
August 18th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
52
Fuck off SG, I was just on the beg.
August 18th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
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I am a tight Jock
Morgor tells a different story!
August 18th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
54
Yep, but Morgor was last in a long line, you wriggly little cunt.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
55
Cooper’s pale ale, eh. I’ve just spent a month in Australia and have to say that Cooper’s stout is one of the best beers I’ve ever, ever tasted. Haven’t seen it anywhere in the northern hemisphere. Twenty, does your local off-licence stock it? If so, I hereby offer you a 100 per cent commission on a crate of the stuff.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
56
In my opinion ale = smithwicks = piss
August 18th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
57
A higher class of piss this, Peadar.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
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But do you know them in the kitchen, morgor?
No, but I eat their food and I don’t care if they torture and humiliate all other staff in the establishment as long as I get a tasty meal.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
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actually I like the idea of being served by waiters that are sobbing uncontrollable with evidence of lash marks from a cat o’ nine tails on their back.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
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Purile Pish,leave Longford and Westmeath out of your babble, you blue-nosed jock bastard!
August 18th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
61
Hey dog wanker, does your dog watch after it rounds up your entertainment for the night ya sheep shagging inbred cunt.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
62
What’s blue-nosed?
August 18th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
63
Ah Longford.where Dogging means actual Dogging..with dogs.. ,sheep on the weekends in the carpark of the local Gaa club..Sheeping its called (where do they come up with the names?)
August 18th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
64
I wasn’t around over the weekend so this morning I quickly scanned through the posts and comments from the weekend.
Jo made a comment on one of the posts about her butt plug slipping out. No one commented on this. Did I miss something?
August 18th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
65
I think Jo he is trying to indicate my religious or football supporting preferences. He of course is a bestiality specialist who communicates as if he is at Ibrox on a Saturday.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
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Hey Jo, I think I’m right in saying that the ‘blue nose’, as mentioned by One man and his dog, refers to the Merciless Hun who inhabits the ‘blue’ half of Glasgow.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
67
Jo made a comment on one of the posts about her butt plug slipping out.
She was referring to something to put on a blind mans t-shirt.
Her own butt-plug never falls out.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
68
Jo,I will leave PP to explain blue-nose, if he is not afraid to jeopardize his arselicking effords among the Catlicks.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
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“he of course is a bestiality specialist”
PP what the f*** does “a bestiality specialist” know or do that a bestiality generalist doesn’t?
August 18th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
70
One man and his dog would be a scumtic supporter then ?
August 18th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
71
She was referring to something to put on a blind mans t-shirt.
Her own butt-plug never falls out.
haha, I see. I scanned a bit too quickly
August 18th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
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Hey Papalamour, a ‘bestiality specialist’ keeps his wellies on, the novice or inexperienced removes his (…so I’m told).
August 18th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
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I only got an average of 9 or 10 hours sleep all last week so I needed it.
August 18th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
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Look you cunt, I support a team from the City in which I was born, which is more than most here can say, whether I am a Rangers supporter or Celtic Supporter is none of your fucking business, but as a clue my grandfather was in the Knights of St Columba.
August 18th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
75
A specialist comes equipped for all species and eventualities, such as ski mask and gun, whereas your general opportunist spends alot of time running round fields getting frustrated.
August 18th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
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My guess would be Partick Thistle PP - or failing that,Clydebank
August 18th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
77
What use would a gun be while out shagging animals?
“Stand still, spread your hind legs and lift your tail or I’ll blow your brains out”
I don’t think they’d listen
August 18th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
78
Queen of the south?
August 18th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
79
Queen of the south?
I think Twenty isn’t around at the moment
August 18th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
80
Heh..
August 18th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
81
Redbridge and Dagenham. Its got nothing to do with PP, I just like to say Redbridge and Dagenham.
August 18th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
82
I think Twenty isn’t around at the moment
*cough*
August 18th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
83
*cough*
Ooops! Lurking is sneaky!
August 18th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
84
OK who is examining Twenty’s prostate at the moment?
August 18th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
85
If you pardon the expression PP, that is a sore spot with our hero
August 18th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
86
You have to get out and get some sun. Vitamin D is necessary to life. And exercise: After putting away all that beer you only exercise one hand after you pee. Get out, walk in the sun and enjoy life.
August 18th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
87
“walk in the sun and enjoy life.”
Wrong Blog Loco..
August 18th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
88
Jesus Loco, are you actually in Ireland at the moment?
August 18th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
89
Actually may have to change my gravatar as it looks like a post prostate examination salute.
August 18th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
90
I would like to announce my visibility from the office has improved to about 1/4 mile…I summer is coming everyone.
August 18th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
91
Nothing too exciting this week end though I did hear a funny story last night. It involves a little bit of cruelty to animals, which I am very much opposed to, but this is still some funny shit:
A mate of mine decided to feed his family dog some bread. With lots of mustard on it. Of course the dog was displeased with this and loudly snuffled off to the water bowl for relief - only to find the lads had replaced the water with vinegar.
I’m still laughing at that.
And the name of that blonde chick with the 600 points who gets her tits out is Claire Tully.
August 18th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
92
Celtic and Rangers have just the one thing in common. They are both utter shite. And what, may I ask, is the point of a post-match interview at either Beeblebrox Park or Cuntic Park? They only do it so they can say ‘Weeel’ a lot and annoy me over my pint.
Celts.
August 18th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
93
She’s on page 5 of the Sun today.
August 18th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
94
“my visibility from the office has improved to about 1/4 mile”
so people in your office can see you up to a 1/4 of a mile away. pp is godzilla
August 18th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
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Purile Pish, your Granddaddy was in the Knights of StColumba, so that makes you a twofaced, turncoat, bluenose, jock bastard.
August 18th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
96
Who gives a fuck?
August 18th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
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Indeed. Being completely disconnected fro many sort of investment in it, I find myself profoundly disinterested in this sort of Sectarian blithering.
August 18th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
98
yes, back to more interesting stuff like butt plugs and drinking
August 18th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
99
You’re the only one talking about butt plugs, Peader :)
August 18th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
100
Being completely disconnected fro many sort of investment in it,
Don’t tell me you are a mormon or a scientologist Jo ?
August 18th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
101
well it beats celtic and rangers and all that crap
August 18th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
102
I’m not a man to suffer prejudice Peadar, but Scientlogists amd Mormons are even lower than the Welsh - Tom Cruise ? The Osmonds ?
August 18th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
103
That’s the thing, maggot, it doesn’t matter what I ‘am’. It’s just not an issue to me, and certainly not something I’d feel the need to have a fight with a stranger about.
I don’t have the terminology, or any emotional attatchment to Catholic or Protestant politics, while I may belong to one group socially.
August 18th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
104
You sound like the religious/cultural equivalent of Michael Jackson!
But, If
You’re Thinkin’
About My Baby
It Don’t Matter If You’re
Black Or White
August 18th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
105
I’m not a man to suffer prejudice Peadar, but Scientlogists amd Mormons are even lower than the Welsh - Tom Cruise ? The Osmonds ?
I totally agree, maggot. I was referring to butt plugs.
August 18th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
106
Do I maggot? I just thought I sounded like someone who finds all this Sectarian feuding shit deeply tedious and pointless.
August 18th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
107
Lighten up Jo - have some carrot cake!
August 18th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
108
Still on the coffee cake, today, maggot.
And a little bit of strawberry.
Sigh… cake…
August 18th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
109
Ugh Maggot why did you put in that link it spoiled my subsequent enjoyment of Jo’s post on cakes. It led to the thought of MJ’s poor babies (& hence to their conception- couldn’t stop the dreadful images. Good for dieting tho’)
August 18th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
110
Fill3rup says:
Jo, it may have been the Wickla Synchranised Shaup shagging team.
Insert racist Wickla comment here….
Done
August 18th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
111
heh he….
August 18th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
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I just had baked beans ( the new Branston variety) fried in butter with pepper and chili garlic sauce with soda bread.
No cake here.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
113
I just had baked beans ( the new Branston variety) fried in butter with pepper and chili garlic sauce with soda bread.
(in the voice of Sea Captain from the Simpsons)
“So ye’ll be wantin a fresh pair of pants then?…aarrr..
August 18th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
114
All yer missing maggot is a nice Chianti to wash it down.
Get you all regular too.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
115
What’s wrong with Buckfast ?
August 18th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
116
Excellent choice sir.
The preferred tipple of the professional outdoors man as well.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
117
Sounds too much like Breakfast
August 18th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
118
As if that would bother the buckfast demographic.
Buckfast/Breakfast
The brown bottle every time.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
119
Has all the sectarian violence gone now?
August 18th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
120
* Thwap *
Nope. Take that !
August 18th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
121
Oh, missed your nasty cake link maggot, completely.
August 18th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
122
Why can’t everybody just get along.
Apart from the fact life would be boring as fuck.
August 18th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
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