You know…
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on August 15th, 2008
…I’d like to think I’m a bigger man than that but if I had a blind friend I’d so make him wear the worst clothes in the world.
“I bought you a t-shirt for your birthday”
“Thanks, Twenty. I’ll wear it tonight”.
*later*
“Oh my God, can you see that guy over there?”
“Which guy?”
“The one with the ‘Josef Fritzl is my hero’ t-shirt on”.
“Oh my God”.
“And on the back it says ‘Mohammed sucks pigs cocks’.”
I mean, how could you help yourself?
… Maddie
August 15th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Dear Mr Blunkett
August 15th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
1
My butt plug is slipping, please pop it back in.
If you’d gone to a mixed school, these evilnesses wouldn’t be occuring to you. I hope Nonny’s still not reading. The poor blind people.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
2
I’m not mean to blind people. Just saying if I had a blind mate I’d do that kind of stuff.
Anyway, I’m sure Nonny was blind once and I’m a terrible cunt for saying something about blind people.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
3
No, I get it. I should have said, your poor hypothetical blind mate, I suppose. Won’t somebody think of your poor hypothetical blind mate!
…beware of freaks bearing gifts, blind dude.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
4
Lord help us, the book thing must be serious if Twenty is blogging on a Friday night.
Or else he has been tagged and put on curfew.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
5
Been writing most of the evening, wriggly.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
6
Do you want to talk cake, maggot? I’m making a coffee cake tomorrow. Delia Smith, fancy.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
7
I’ve just had a Bond-esque image of you for some reason Twenty, a jaded playboy, getting up from your typewriter to swim a few laps of your pool in those funny belted, 70s trunks, then sitting down to stroke your cat menacingly in a white bubble chair, on a white rug.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
8
Not a fan of coffee cake Jo - though I would kill for good carrot cake! And I demolished a chocolate fudge cake in under 12 hours, even though it had been dented by one of the sister’s grubs.
Good luck with the writing Twenty - I suppose it is also possible that you have taken to the writing because you are under curfew.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
9
Jo, your imagination is rather too vivid.
There is no curfew maggot.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
10
Do you think he uses a cigarette holder like Ian Fleming Jo ?
August 15th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
11
When waiting tables years ago I had a regular customer who was blind and was a total fucking jerk to his guide dog. He was blatantly cruel, but you can’t say anything or else you’re the ass who yelled at a blind dude.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
12
I’d snot in his food
August 15th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
13
Absholutely, maggot.
Medbh, that’s horrible. I hope the dog got his busy intersection revenge.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
14
You see Twenty, as you starve us of biography we have to fish for details and invent, creating the dangerous and intelligent man of mystery that fits with your persona. So Jo’s cross pf Fleming and Blofeld is an intriguing possibility.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:03 am
15
It certainly is, perhaps I’ll have to provide more details. But that’d be infinitely more boring….
August 16th, 2008 at 12:07 am
16
I’d snot in his food
Guide dogs are trained to spot that sort of thing.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:07 am
17
if you stir they can’t see it.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:12 am
18
Yeah, but if you were the dog, would you say anything, or would you laugh like Mutley under the table?
Bear with me maggot, I’m uploading sme photos.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:12 am
19
I like to think of you as more Fleming meets Hannibal Lecter - Ireland needs a decent serial Killer - a Prince of the Church (with a dodgy prostate ) gone wrong, Like that Cardinal in John Carpenter’s Vampire film.
Guide dogs know their duty Jo.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:18 am
20
And it explains Nonny’s bitterness - the fallen woman, used, abused, spurned and callously cast aside like a Mills and Boon Heroine.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:22 am
21
I thought Mills and Boone heroines got their happy marriagey endings?
August 16th, 2008 at 12:23 am
22
God, could wordpress be any slower at uploading photos?
August 16th, 2008 at 12:23 am
23
The story is still in progress Jo - she’s wandering around folk clubs playing Christy Moore songs waiting for Mr Right ( with an imeccable prostate) to take her in his strong arms after she tells him how cruelly she was treated by her cigarette smoking swain etc etc.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:27 am
24
Finally!
Here you go, maggot, what do you think?
http://piosacake.wordpress.com/2008/08/15/carrot-cakery/
there’s a chocolate cake for you to drool over in there somewhere too.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:30 am
25
what do you think?
Will you marry me ? Those look divine!
August 16th, 2008 at 12:32 am
26
You’d get hideously fat though. We’d enable each other. It would end badly.
If I knew how to send one in post successfully, you could be a mail order customer. I don’t think An Post provide such a service though.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:35 am
27
There was a joke about this on Becker. I think they covered all the blind-people jokes.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:39 am
28
God, Some guy, can you watch that? I think it strips funniness from the room the way bitter stuff I can’t quite think of strips moisture from your mouth, if you know what I mean. It’s getting late. Bedtime. Night all.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:41 am
29
What is Becker ?
August 16th, 2008 at 12:46 am
30
Night Jo.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:46 am
31
Twenty, I was and am a firm believer that if you tamper with anyone’s food then you are asking for a shit storm to fall on your head.
Never did it, no matter how much they deserved it. Over 13 years in the biz, never saw anyone fuck around with the food.
August 16th, 2008 at 2:27 am
32
Would that be like karma, Medbh?
“I’ll have the chicken karma, please!”
August 16th, 2008 at 9:03 am
33
I’m with Jo on the Becker thing. Fucking Ted Danson. cunt.
August 16th, 2008 at 9:36 am
34
I used to avoid “everyone hates chris” but everything else is just a 5 year old repeat so I relented and it’s not too bad.
The dad is funny.
August 16th, 2008 at 9:48 am
35
Speaking of all thing related to eyesight, If I got a bang on the head and subsequently began to see double and Twenty came towards me and as I looked to see who it was coming in my direction, would that mean I had Twenty Twenty vision?
August 16th, 2008 at 9:57 am
36
hee
August 16th, 2008 at 10:01 am
37
Fabulous hair though…oh wait..
August 16th, 2008 at 10:22 am
38
wouldn’t work, sure the blind fella could lip read…
August 16th, 2008 at 10:33 am
39
Morgor:I like in Everybody Hates Chris,when the Dad has his happy dream,where all the bills are paid and theres the big piece of chicken left in the fridge…
Did i mention that im going to Chris Rock in the Olympia in Sept?
August 16th, 2008 at 10:41 am
40
or his deaf sidekick would tell him.
August 16th, 2008 at 10:45 am
41
Would that be like karma, Medbh?
“I’ll have the chicken karma, please!”
Why do you want to get your neck rung and be turned into mac nuggets at 3 months old.
Thats chicken karma, Twenty man.
August 16th, 2008 at 10:59 am
42
Twenty Chicken Nuggets pls?
August 16th, 2008 at 11:04 am
43
……tumbleweeds…..
August 16th, 2008 at 11:41 am
44
Did i mention that im going to Chris Rock in the Olympia in Sept?
meh, I don’t usually like chris rock so much.
He’s a bit of a one-trick pony.
His only joke seems to be :
“white man does this black man does that, black man gets arrested”
I went to see “fell to earth” or whatever that film was called in the cinema and left half way.
August 16th, 2008 at 11:47 am
45
still reckon it’ll be better than a Des Bishop gig…
“Im American and…wait for it..i understand irony ..AND i speak Irish..arent i great?”..cunt..
August 16th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
46
Why in the name of god did you go see that?
he kind of annoys me, all that screaming…
though there is a certain power to his stand up.
His film record is different though. Pleh.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
47
weak post, it’s the weekend though.
morgor: chris rock is brilliant, his films are godawful though… get his greatest bits cd… or just watch loadsa clips on youtube.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
48
Cos I was a student and i was idle and i’d seen everything else.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
49
He was good in New Jack City in fairness.. and CB4 has its funny moments…
Pooty Tang is awful but again has some funny bits..
August 16th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
50
Pootie Tang was written by Louis CK… I think it was anyway.
Chris Rock’s Bring the Pain and Bigger&Blacker would be two of the funniest standup dvds ever if it weren’t for the awful sketches inbetween standup bits.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
51
THe HBO 30 min special he did years ago is (in its own way) as funny as the one Bill Hicks did years before… hmmm controversial…
August 16th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
52
Chris Rock is more talented than Hicks… Hicks was good but a lot of that was just pure spite from the fact he was dying, remove the Arizona Bay/Rant In E Minor and he’s not that amazing imo.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
53
hmmm controversial…
Hahaha you’re controversial statements tend to be remarkably uncontroversial!
I’m not a huge fan of Bill Hicks either, maybe because he champions smoking so much and I dislike it so much.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
54
Nah,have to disagree with you there,it was only the last year of his life he got that bitter,i had followed him for the previous 5 years and some of the stuff was as good as Prior or Carlin…
Arizona Bay was alot of out-takes and music (ropey),I fount Rant in E-minor to be some of his best delivery but some of his weakest and unfunny,it was quite sad to see him go down the bitter route.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
55
Morgor:I aim to conform :D
August 16th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
56
…actually b’dum, by the time Hicks was confirmed as terminal, he had practically stopped performing. The nature of his cancer was such that once it had been confirmed, the treatment was as bad as the disease in a sense.
I am a Chris Rock fan, but I still think for originality and pure evil truthful comedy, Hicks was the master. He was good enough to not always play to the crowd, he sometimes went to make them feel a little uncomfortable…
Des Bishop makes me unconfortable, but only because he is an annoying by the numbers, harbinger cunt.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
57
But let us never forget the real bastard….
The Savagely unfunny, David McSavage
August 16th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
58
That Taco mobile ad on the radio makes me want to kill….
August 16th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
59
It’s Tocco, and I bought one the other day, as I hate apple and I hate o2 so no iphone for me.
The ad is annoying, the phone is excellent.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
60
sorry,only heard the ad .apologies for the miss-spell..
The Nokia n95 is by far the best phone out at the moment.But 3 dont do it so i can only wait out my contract and change to meteor…
August 16th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
61
Jesus is anyone about? stuck in work…balls..
August 16th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
62
‘Chris Rock is more talented than Hicks…’
not a chance…
Oh, and Becker have done all the blind jokes. But to be fair, it’s about all they’ve got like.
Loving your work Twenty.
August 16th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
63
David McSavage Beating??
Absolute prick and not funny,which is usually the stepping stone to success for a comedian but in his case everyone know he’s a talentless cunt..
August 16th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
64
Do they ever use bad language in ‘Everyone Hates Chris’?
I’m convinced I overheard someone say ‘Fuck’ during it on RTE one morning at about 7am recently.
August 16th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
65
not sure,but i wouldnt be surprised if they sneaked a couple through.
August 16th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
66
What is the weather like in Dublin at the moment ? Chucking it down here.
August 16th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
67
Same here maggot. Bloody miserable.
August 16th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
68
The Rain! It’s Biblical!
August 16th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
69
Its dry for the first time in a week in Limerick..but stuck in work..only an hour to go though :D
August 16th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
70
David Mc Savage was doing his ahem”street performance” on Patrick Street in Cork a couple of years back.
Basically irritating and scaring people in equal measure.
A mate stopped a garda and told him a nutter was causing hassle in front of Brown Thomas.
The garda was dead keen to do him but it was a city of culture gig so he couldn’t.
He seems to have disappeared thankfully.
August 16th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
71
Rain- agh- the new kitten is marooned in the greenhouse (just ‘repaired’ by the husband: it is now letting in about x10 the amount of water it used to) anyway the tiny beast is mewing on the shelves because it is scared to cross the pond that once was the floor& none of the lazy brats we spawned will put on a pair of shoes & lift it in. God I might have to go downstairs & do it myself I might as well not have gone through all that agony bringing them into the world for sll the use they are etc…
August 16th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
72
Save the Kitty!!!!
August 16th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
73
I prefer Carlin’s later, more bitter work… and just don’t get Pryor at all.
Don’t like Dangerous… Relentless would be third though.
Lets ignore all the releases from this decade?
English standup>American standup
thats only 90s onwards though.
August 16th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
74
Quick Sr maggot, before someone sets up a Facebook group for the kitten!
August 16th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
75
Is it possible that you took up writing to pass the time once spent tippin’ the cup? And you had better watch your ass after that crack about the pedophile. By now there a fatwah has been issued for your demise.
August 16th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
76
Action has been taken Jo.Also much shouting above the TV, something unidentifiable on the CD player & Dungeon Keeper (all going on at once) to make a point about taking responsibilty. Hope Maggot doesn’t get any ideas about facebook (or god forbid, Morgor)
August 16th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
77
What is facebook ?
Can I find a wife(worth having) there ?
Glad to hear nyam nyam is rescued, but unless another chocolate fudgecake is forthcoming I shall pass on comments to husband and the dangerous grubs !
Did you see the Futuramas ? Fry gets worms and the second one where Kif is in love and they end up on the Amazon lanet forced to snu-snu ?
August 16th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
78
Biblical rain on the day Ronnie Drew dies. I think he’d have liked that.
August 16th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
79
Ronnie has Died ? RIP
August 16th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
80
Aah, no.
August 17th, 2008 at 12:01 am
81
He lived quite near me. That is going to be one enormous funeral.
August 17th, 2008 at 12:02 am
82
Top man Ronnie. Only problem is, that awful tribute ballad is going to re-surface.
August 17th, 2008 at 2:35 am
83
Ronnie Drew…
…his last breath.
August 17th, 2008 at 4:12 am
84
Seriously, though. R.I.P. It’s like a bit of old Dublin has died.
He used to come into the guitar shop I worked in and he was a sound guy. I’ll be listening to The Dubliners all week.
August 17th, 2008 at 4:14 am
85
Twenty. Is that the best Blind joke you can come up with? It’s a bit old!
August 18th, 2008 at 9:35 am
86
There’s nothing funny about blindness, Darragh!
August 18th, 2008 at 9:36 am
87
I was on a bus once, which was stopped at some lights in heavy traffic. Across the way, there was a blind guy walking with a stick. Just walking along, doing his thing. I was idly looking out the window. As he continued walking I noticed he was in line with a bus shelter. For some strange reason his stick didn’t quite catch the bus shelter until after his face did.
The worst part was there was nothing I could have done. It was like watching a silent film.
August 18th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
88