Some kind of monster
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on August 15th, 2008
Did you ever think about what it would be like to be a monster? It must be a terribly lonely experience. People see you and they immediately shit their pants and want nothing to do with you. Only travellers can possibly understand although they don’t have the same bowel loosening effect (mostly).
I’ve often thought about which kind of monster I’d be if I had to be one. A vampire has this perception of being cool and mysterious but it’s a bit crap when you think about it. Sleeping in a coffin, crap. Can’t go out in the day, crap. Alabaster skin, crap. Having to drink people’s blood, mega crap. I like my steak on the rare side of medium rare but pure blood, no thanks.
Werewolf, there’s one. Oh, but your monster powers are linked directly to the moon which is rubbish if you feel in the mood for a bit of mid-cycle monstering. Then, if American Werewolf in London has taught us anything, you have to go through a painful transformation before eating people and waking up in the nip somewhere. The only upside is that you get to do it with a young Jenny Agguter but I suspect that’s not true for every werewolf.
Mummy? Did you ever leave a bandage on a cut for too long and it got all sticky and pus-covered? Plus you have to walk like a fucking twat if you’re a mummy. Why have the hands out in front of you? Why can’t you just have your hands by your side like everyone else? It leaves you so vulnerable to a good kick in the mummy balls and then what happens? Because you’re so old and decrepit they’d crumble into dust and I do not want my balls turned into dust. Fuck that.
How about zombie? How about fuck the fuck off? One moment you’re lying in the earth, not a bother on you, enjoying the afterlife, the next you’re scrabbling you’re way through the tough ground to get out and wander around the place. Imagine the damage you must do to your fingernails breaking through the coffin. It must take ages as well. And then when you do get free you’re a lumbering and practically useless beast, easy to kill and you want to eat brains. Who the fuck wants to eat brains? If zombies emerged and existed on a diet of KFC and Subway sandwiches they’d be a much more attractive option but as it stands nobody wants to join their ranks.
After that you’re into the realms of epic-monsters like Rocs, trolls, space beasts and 2FM DJs and nobody wants to be one of those.
So it’s little wonder monsters have a bad rep. They’re fucking shit, all of them. So, if I had to choose to be any kind of monster I’d be a half-man, half-anteater. Just to be different, like.
Sweetums from the Muppet Show was a good monster. But I don’t think he did much more than singing and dancing. Which is fine if you’ve got rhythm.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Well, there is the shit demon from Dogma, then you could literally be shit. Or the marshmallow dude from Ghostbusters. How about the Alien from Alien, that would be absolutely cool, anybody tries to kill you, bleed on them and eat them. The worms from Tremmors? Nah, they are crap. Got it. The thing from The Thing, I want head to fall off, sprout spider legs and run off (without the whole Kurt Russel flamethrower bit of course). That would be COOL.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:33 am
1
Mothers can become quite effective monsters sometimes.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:37 am
2
If I were a monster I’d be a many-armed and legged one so I could monster more efficiently thus allowing me to knock off the monstering day a bit earlier.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:39 am
3
Get all your monstering done in a good shift rather than spread out over the week. Efficient.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:40 am
4
4 days a week of extended hours would certainly cut down on the transportation costs for the average monster feeling the economic squeeze. (Most monsters live in the suburbs)
August 15th, 2008 at 9:43 am
5
Easier to get the monsterlings to school, you know…
August 15th, 2008 at 9:49 am
6
I would be the gargantuan monster Harney, abdorbing all the food, stomping on buildings and killing people with my special powers of “mismanagement”
August 15th, 2008 at 9:54 am
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But homeschooling really produces some fine little monsters too. Some say the best.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:57 am
8
Did you ever think about what it would be like to be a monster?
I’ll ask the niece. She’s one according to sister maggot.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:00 am
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Where is PP these days ? Paxo has upset the Jocks.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:11 am
10
Are porpoises
monsters? Are we facing an invasion?
August 15th, 2008 at 10:14 am
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Monsters tend to be hairy and don’t wear trousers.
I’m half way there, but I can’t grow a fucking beard.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:14 am
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I have been in fucking Austria working Maggot, looking up basement and incest in my phrasebook, to try and crowbar it into any conversation.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:15 am
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Welcome back! Basements and Incest eh ?
Welcome to Scotland, twinned with Austria!
August 15th, 2008 at 10:19 am
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Paxman is a bit of arrogant prick a lot of the time. He loves demonstrating his intelligence which means he’s not as intelligent as he’d like to think.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:27 am
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Plenty of monsters in Ron Black’s and The Shelbourne Bar. They clatter in en masse on Friday and Saturday nights, big metal feet with daggers in the heels, thigh cracking legs, stucco breasts that stun a man into submission at 50 yards. Then huge scary hairy heads with masses and masses of 80s back comb. Big mouths that don’t stop, noses that can sniff out money and manicured hands that clamp onto their prey and take them back to some mews layer off Pembroke road where they are riddin into a stupor.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:34 am
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stucco breasts
any pictures ?
August 15th, 2008 at 10:37 am
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The sad about about your porpoise link, maggot, is how lame BBC NI’s news has become since this whole peace thing kicked in.
Don’t bother answering, I’m off to try & find Ron Black’s.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:38 am
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Yep PCB- for top-class little monsters homeschooling - because no school is sensitive enough to nurture their special talents (i.e. spoilt bastards/ big issues with parental expectations), or the direct opposite, no schooling (feral brats) ‘because we can’t do a thing with him’-for god’s sake he’s 4 years old, how hard can it be?
August 15th, 2008 at 10:41 am
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‘because we can’t do a thing with him’-for god’s sake he’s 4 years old, how hard can it be?
Sexism!
August 15th, 2008 at 10:54 am
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http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/sussex/7561166.stm
August 15th, 2008 at 11:28 am
21
Well, I initially put ‘him/her’, then thought what some of the others might make of it (given the Pete Burns/Dolphin scenario, thanks Morgor, I had forgotten all about him until i clicked that link). Anyway,sadly, little boys seem particularly prone to being problematic even in nursery classes (hence all the agonising in the papers about lack of male role models etc)
August 15th, 2008 at 11:32 am
22
Or you could be Bigfoot …. ooops, no, too late ….
http://www.searchingforbigfoot.com/
August 15th, 2008 at 11:36 am
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The guy in the middle on that bigfoot site is Twenty without the bobble hat.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:48 am
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Penguin entryist factions are the ones you need to fear.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/7562773.stm
August 15th, 2008 at 11:49 am
25
I’d be the monster that lives in the Brazilian Ladies Beach Volleyball teams changing rooms.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:57 am
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Follow up from 25: RTE political commentators have been speculating that the Norwegian military penguin is going to be involved in a peacekeeping force here:
http://www.sgisland.gs/index.php/(h)Welcome_to_South_Georgia?useskin=
August 15th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
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I’d like to be one of The Monsters of Rock..
They had a festival named after them,where people get pissed and women get there tits out on an almost constant basis… like old wesley on a friday night ….ba-dum tish!!
August 15th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
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Are you a Metallica fan Twenty or was this post just inspired by said band?
August 15th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
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Predators are pretty cool monsters.
Never seen a female predator so don’t really know how hot they are. (the males seem fond of fishnets though so how kinky do the females get ? …)
August 15th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
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Apart from looking like a giant albino frog thing with British teeth, the monster that ate N.Y. in Cloverfield was fairly kick ass. Took on the whole Army & Air force of the glorious USA and well made them into monster poo. So I guess Id be that thing…hmmm wonder what its dating life is like though that would be the big seller for me Vamps get all the chickas.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
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…so you are a Metallica fan?
Monsters with an odd number of horns are likely to die out via means of evolution.
The rhino is a fluke.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
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Giving birth must be unpleasant for Mrs Rhino!
August 15th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
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Never seen a female predator
Hang round some churches, you’ll see plenty, usually dressed in white, suckering poor bloked down the aisle.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
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Going back to the original post, when you say you’d be half man, half ant-eater, you’re not really specific enough.
Which half of each? Which parts of you would look like which parts of an ant-eater (e.g., he may be ugly, but he’s hung like an ant-eater’s nose)?
Also, if the only scary thing you can do is eat ants, you might actually become very popular. You could start your own business in resorts like Ibiza, charging to come & hoover up the ever-present trail of ants across the stone floors. And you’d be eating while you’re working.
I’d start work in the lab now if I were you.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
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One of my favourite books is Frankensteing, by Mary Shelley.
Being a monster like Frankenstein’s monster would be so sad. Just being feared and isolated by everybody. And he wanted to be accepted and to be a part of human relationships, but couldn’t becaus ehe was so horrifying.
Like Shrek, but not funny. And with more lightening. And death. And revenge.
Brilliant read.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
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“Giving birth must be unpleasant for Mrs Rhino!”
Maggot, I’d say the fact that Baby Rhino has a horn is the least of Mrs Rhino’s problems. The fact that he’s the size and shape of a Nissan Pajero probebly causes her more discomfort.
She must echo when she walks.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
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Lady Rhinos have indeed got a generous pelvic canal Tinman. Females make such a fuss about this whole birthing business - I sat in on the appearance of one of my grubs - not in the same league as a bad hangover.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
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Like Shrek, but not funny. And with more lightening. And death. And revenge..
I didnt know your Biography was out Holemaster?
August 15th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
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“I sat in on the appearance of one of my grubs - not in the same league as a bad hangover.”
I agree, they just squirt out no trouble, The bollocking I got from sniffing the gas and air was much worse than the process itself.
August 15th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
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Zombies seem like the worst monster to be because they’re basically mute, while always being ugly with bad shredded clothes.
I would want to be a vampire like Catherine Deneuve in “The Hunger.”
August 15th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
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I loved that film, she was so beautiful and elegant. Poor old Bowie though.
August 15th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
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I’ll just go ahead and take your silence as an undying affinity to Metallica.
Cool.
August 15th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
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Metallica are cunts.
August 15th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
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They write some good running music though.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
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Metallica are cunts.
Any band that charges what they do for gig tickets/merchandice and special box-sets etc ,then sues their own fans ,are cunts..
With Lars Ulrich being the biggest cunt of all.
And i was a fan along time ago.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
46
Some Kind of Monster was hilarious mind,in a Spinal Tap (but real) way..
August 15th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
47
All that therapy talk give me crotch rot, I prefer my rockers to drink whiskey from the bottle, have gangbangs with each other and get arrested regularly.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
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A Sesame street monster is the only monster to be
http://images.wikia.com/muppet/images/f/fa/MonstersLP.jpg
Fuzzy and blue, look at me I’m fuzzy and blue…
I know you’ll all sneer, but if you really wanted to wreak some havoc, imagine the shock and awe if you were Herry monster and you ripped someone’s arm off with your fangs without warning. Far scarier than yer standard frankenstein.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
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FMC: exactly..
Discussing a lawsuit over copyright infringment with your attorney in a fancy restaurant is not very Keith Moon…
Jo:I love Muppet Monsters
August 15th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
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All that therapy talk give me crotch rot, I prefer my rockers to drink whiskey from the bottle, have gangbangs with each other and get arrested regularly.
yeah, they’re fairly gay alright.
AC/DC also write excellent running music.
Plus their lead singer died by choking on his own vomit.
That’s pretty rock and roll.
How did the dude from Metallica die?
A bus fell on him. the dumb ass.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
51
I would be Alf, hairy, sarcastic and with a drink problem.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
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“AC/DC also write excellent running music.
Plus their lead singer died by choking on his own vomit.”
Damn straight! Now we’re cookin’.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
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Lars Ulrich is a complete knob-end. But having moths under the stage to sneak down for sneaky mid song blowjobs is pretty rock and/or roll.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
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How did the dude from Metallica die?
A bus fell on him. the dumb ass.
He was the only true Rock n Roller among them,and an amzingly talented bassplayer (lights touch paper and retreats to a safe distance)
August 15th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
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pfft, I bet he just snuck down and got them to cook him up and egg white omelette and make him a cup of green tea.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
56
Bring back MEGADEATH!
August 15th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
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Come back Gary Moore, I’ll listen to Out in the Fields! I’ll even play air guitar.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
58
Jimi all the way.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
59
Any man that can line up 10 LDS tabs in his sweat band and absorb them, while playing a guitar behind his head is all right in my book too.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
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I’ll stand in the corner doing angular Tom Verlaine Marquee Moon style guitar solos while you all fight over the crap bands.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
61
Syd Barrett was better for the lsd than Hendrix, 10,000 in 3 years.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
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or was it 20,000?
August 15th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
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Either way, it was quite a lot. But he couldn’t play a guitar behind his head AND do the splits.
August 15th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsKpazeA5L8
Har!
August 15th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
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I’d be a politician. they scare the shit out of eveyone and they have their choice of the hot women.
August 15th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
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Loco Lobo says:
‘I’d be a politician. they scare the shit out of eveyone and they have their choice of the hot women.’
No way do politicians get hot women. One half-decent woman could clean up selling government secrets anywhere.
Have you seen any politicians’ wives lately? Ouch.
Mind you, there’ll be a new MP at Westminster called Priti Patel (Conservative, Witham) next time out. Oh boy. I’ve met and worked with her and she’s a bit of a Bond girl. Trained economist, smart and gorgeous. I’d hate to be standing against her. Lying against her, yes, standing no.
http://www.courses-careers.com/xcel/fresh-talent/priti-patel.htm
August 15th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
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I don’t understand why women join the conservatives. They only want to uphold patriarchy and shit on women.
August 15th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
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Batty, as a former work colleague of Priti Patel, does this headline sum her up fairly?
http://conservativehome.blogs.com/goldlist/images/patelheadline.gif
August 15th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
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I don’t understand why women join the conservatives. They only want to uphold patriarchy and shit on women.
I would ask why an Asian person of either gender would want to join The Torys..
Does everything have to be about women being shat on?
I mean there are websites that show that but i mean…cmon!
August 15th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
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as little interest as I have in British politics, I do remember the conservatives giving Britain it’s first and only female prime minister.
I think they shit on everyone, equally.
August 15th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
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I used to be a Munster. Is that a province or county btw ?
August 15th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
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Munster is a provence. Don’t ask me where it is, but it’s definitely not in Dublin.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
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I do remember the conservatives giving Britain it’s first and only female prime minister.
Now she was a REAL fucking monster
August 16th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
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