Some kind of monster

Did you ever think about what it would be like to be a monster? It must be a terribly lonely experience. People see you and they immediately shit their pants and want nothing to do with you. Only travellers can possibly understand although they don’t have the same bowel loosening effect (mostly).

I’ve often thought about which kind of monster I’d be if I had to be one. A vampire has this perception of being cool and mysterious but it’s a bit crap when you think about it. Sleeping in a coffin, crap. Can’t go out in the day, crap. Alabaster skin, crap. Having to drink people’s blood, mega crap. I like my steak on the rare side of medium rare but pure blood, no thanks.

Werewolf, there’s one. Oh, but your monster powers are linked directly to the moon which is rubbish if you feel in the mood for a bit of mid-cycle monstering. Then, if American Werewolf in London has taught us anything, you have to go through a painful transformation before eating people and waking up in the nip somewhere. The only upside is that you get to do it with a young Jenny Agguter but I suspect that’s not true for every werewolf.

Mummy? Did you ever leave a bandage on a cut for too long and it got all sticky and pus-covered? Plus you have to walk like a fucking twat if you’re a mummy. Why have the hands out in front of you? Why can’t you just have your hands by your side like everyone else? It leaves you so vulnerable to a good kick in the mummy balls and then what happens? Because you’re so old and decrepit they’d crumble into dust and I do not want my balls turned into dust. Fuck that.

How about zombie? How about fuck the fuck off? One moment you’re lying in the earth, not a bother on you, enjoying the afterlife, the next you’re scrabbling you’re way through the tough ground to get out and wander around the place. Imagine the damage you must do to your fingernails breaking through the coffin. It must take ages as well. And then when you do get free you’re a lumbering and practically useless beast, easy to kill and you want to eat brains. Who the fuck wants to eat brains? If zombies emerged and existed on a diet of KFC and Subway sandwiches they’d be a much more attractive option but as it stands nobody wants to join their ranks.

After that you’re into the realms of epic-monsters like Rocs, trolls, space beasts and 2FM DJs and nobody wants to be one of those.

So it’s little wonder monsters have a bad rep. They’re fucking shit, all of them. So, if I had to choose to be any kind of monster I’d be a half-man, half-anteater. Just to be different, like.

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This entry was posted on Friday, August 15th, 2008 at 9:25 amand is filed under Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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