Dogs are cool
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on August 14th, 2008
I read a story in the paper this morning about some bloke in America who committed suicide by shooting himself out in the desert. His faithful dog stayed with him for 6 weeks, protecting his body from coyotes and other body eating desert animals.
The poor old dog survived by eating mice and rabbits and was dehydrated and thinner than Keira Knightly after a three day enema but generally all right. She was reunited with the family and, apart from the husband being dead and all, everything’s good again.
See, dogs are cool. I know that if I ever shot myself in the desert and Bastardface was with me then he too would protect my corpse from predators. Mostly because he’s one smart fucking dog and he’d know that while mice and rabbits are good for the eating it’d be much less bother to simply devour me to keep himself going. And I would not object. It’s the circle of life.
I remember one time when I was living outside of Dublin and working late at night. I had about a twenty-five minute walk to get home and at that time the roads were pretty much deserted. One night I had just left work and crossed the road when a large black dog appeared by my side. At first I was a bit nervous because he was almost as big as Bastardface but he fell into step alongside me, walking with his head almost touching my right hip.
And we walked, the dog and I, the whole way up the quiet, dark road. He didn’t look up at me once, just kept his head straight and never broke stride. If I sped up, so did he. If I slowed down, so did he. At the top of the road there was a little alleyway into where my house was. I went down the alley and when we got to the top of it he stopped, looked at me, then turned around and went back down towards the road. I never saw him again.
Now, I have no idea what was going on. Perhaps he was a lonely dog who just liked to walk alongside people, perhaps he was a protector dog who, for whatever reason, was there to keep me safe on the way home. I know it sounds a bit weird but the whole thing was a bit weird. Especially the way he turned around and went off with himself when I got home.
On the other hand Stinking Pete once got bitten right on the cock by a Jack Russell so some of them are proper little cunts.
But most dogs are cool. They’re certainly better than Albanians and nobody can argue with that.
We had a dog who used to sit on our doorstep and stop bastards coming in ringing the bell when we were watching the tv. When I say “had”, he was actually a neighbour’s dog. He just guarding our house and they had to do all the chores like bringing him to the vet and feeding him.
Great it was! All of the gain and none of the pain.
August 14th, 2008 at 9:02 am
Stinking Pete probably counted that as a blow job.
August 14th, 2008 at 9:09 am
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PINxfouNQFw
August 14th, 2008 at 9:13 am
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Dogs are cool, except if they’re really fucking stupid. Like the one who sprained my ankle. Three months later the physio (who had been physio for the national netball team) told me it was the worst sprain he’d seen in his twenty year career.
And how stupid did I feel in Accident and Emergency, ‘And how did your injury occur?’ ‘Got run over by a stupid dog who should have watched where she was running.’
August 14th, 2008 at 9:20 am
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I feel it’s my duty to point out the serious error in the above statement. You say that you don’t mind if your dog eats you after you kill yourself in the desert. “It’s the circle of life” you say.
I have studied shapes for the last 33yrs, and the situation you describe is more commonly known as ‘The Equilateral Triangle of Life’.
Your dog is the pointy peak at the top. And see that flat part at the bottom? That’s you, that is.
August 14th, 2008 at 9:25 am
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Fucking Gravatar bastard cunt shit!
August 14th, 2008 at 9:26 am
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We had a dog and we called him Engineer, every time we stuck a lit cigarette up his arse he made bolt for the door,
August 14th, 2008 at 9:26 am
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ha-ha ..History today….
August 14th, 2008 at 9:28 am
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Were you working in a meat factory at the time? That might explain why the dog stayed close.
August 14th, 2008 at 9:37 am
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my God…nine comments and nobody’s asked yet…
what about Albanian dogs???
August 14th, 2008 at 9:46 am
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There’s double-standards at play here.
-If that black dog had been a human, you’d be calling them a weirdo.
-If the dog in the desert was a human, you’d be calling them stupid.
-Anytime I tried humping the leg off me Granny’s dog, she’d be calling the Guards.
August 14th, 2008 at 9:48 am
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Did you know that under the communist regime of Enver Hoxha, bananas were banned in Albania!
August 14th, 2008 at 10:02 am
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That was a curfew people meet.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:04 am
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Nice post. I used to afraid of dog, probably had one barking into the pram at me when nobody was there. But then a friend restored my faith in them and now I really like them. They are the coolest little fuckers going. My neighbours dog used to go around get the paper every day, carrying it home in his mouth.
Twenty, I’d say the black dog was a guardian dog who was protecting you from some little cunt of a dog along the road.
OR
He was a ghost dog who once failed in his duty to protect his master from a murderous highwayman and now must protect every man who walks that road at night.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:09 am
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He was a ghost dog who once failed in his duty to protect his master from a murderous highwayman and now must protect every man who walks that road at night.
Yeah, that’s what I reckon. Fated to walk the earth forever for failing in his dog duties when alive, probably just went to sniff another dog’s arse then BAM. Owner is fucked. It’s a very fine line.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:11 am
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There’s no such things as Albanian dogs. Dogs don’t have race, they live in perfect harmony without the constraints of nationalism or skin/fur colour.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:16 am
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what about German shepherds?
August 14th, 2008 at 10:19 am
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If you have a German shepherd born and bred in Ireland is it not an Irish shepherd?
August 14th, 2008 at 10:22 am
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depends on his pet passport
August 14th, 2008 at 10:23 am
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Morgor - more wedding pics, especially of the curvy bird in front of the stretch. Please.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:49 am
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Maybe I have been watching too much Poirot - but what sort of cunt takes his devoted dog with him into a desert to commit suicide. The little grey cells don’t like it - I’d look more closely at that dog. Protecting the body or making sure that decomposition destroys the forensics ?
August 14th, 2008 at 10:53 am
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Was your man in the desert found lying face down with a Dublin streetmap with King St circled on it in biro?
That would explain much.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:56 am
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?
August 14th, 2008 at 11:19 am
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Out damn Spot; out I say!
August 14th, 2008 at 11:26 am
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If it was a Korean dog he’d have eaten the fucker
August 14th, 2008 at 11:44 am
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Is not ‘the black dog’ a euphemism for depression? You werent feeling a little suicidal yourself were you Twenty?
August 14th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
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Morgor - more wedding pics, especially of the curvy bird in front of the stretch. Please.
I thought you didn’t even like her!
She has a cracking pair in my opinion.
If i had a scoreboard it’d be a 9.7.
Anyway, maybe I’ll make a theme out of
revealing wedding dresses. check in again later tonight…
I think there’s actually a fetish for that,its not really a bad one considering the ones for smoking midget transexuals and things like that i suppose….
August 14th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
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Morgor -bonus points from Twenty if you can find dolphin or owl and midget in revealing wedding dress porno!
August 14th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
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Actually the smoking midget transexual image made my stomach churn a bit so i’ll see if I can find one.
I’ll add some owls and dolphins afterwards…
August 14th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
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German shepards are great. We’ve one at home home that’s actually pretty dim, but anytime a white hiace van comes past she goes mental and attacks it and stuff. won’t do it for any other car, just white vans.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
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http://tinyurl.com/6evg9q
August 14th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
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I fucking hate dogs. Complete cunts.
A dog would only be cool if he could shit and piss in a toilet. Now that would be a cool dog.
But generally there smelly cunts. Nothing stinks worse that dog shit. The cunts even eat shit.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
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Anyway, maybe I’ll make a theme out of
revealing wedding dresses. check in again later tonight…
Check page three of today’s Herald AM… ;)
August 14th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
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what about bonsai alsatians , where do they fit in. ?
August 14th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
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what about bonsai alsatians , where do they fit in. ?
Pretty much anywhere, the tiny bastards.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
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If they’re really “bonsai”, I’d say they’ll fit in anywhere you want them to.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
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Twenty is bitter and no wonder - jilted at the altar by a chihuahua.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
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Dogs are stupid.
That’s what I think.
Don’t agree?
Click my link!
August 14th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
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heh, MB. That’s funny.
http://1blankpage.wordpress.com/2008/08/14/dogs-are-stupid/
August 14th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
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http://tinyurl.com/5pav3s
August 14th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
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Oh, and scroll down a bit after you’ve skipped through the nonsense from RedLeeroy.
You bastard Leeroy!!!!
August 14th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
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http://tinyurl.com/5zqotx
August 14th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
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apologies MonkeyBalls, it had to be said !!
August 14th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
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I apologise. It was probably the worst welcome ever.
Good to have you onboard.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
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why don’t you just have makeup sex?
August 14th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
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why don’t you just have makeup sex?
Shudder….
August 14th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
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lipstick, mascara and eye liner? I like your thinking Morgor. Hard to beat a painted trollop.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
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Yeah, and we’ll both cum all over one of your ‘articles’, ya jealous cunt.
You’d do anything for 5c, wouldn’t you?
August 14th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
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Twenty, it seems you are Harry Potter. You don’t have a mysterious godfather who;s on hte run, by any chance, do you?
Now. I have to say, I think it would have been kinder to shoot the dog too, loathe though I am to bring the Wexford thing back into it. But it’s a prickish act to take your dog along for company when you plan to shoot yourself.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
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ok then, but I am not feeling my best today - http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/26/Leprosy.jpg
August 14th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
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But it’s a prickish act to take your dog along for company when you plan to shoot yourself.
True enough Jo,leaving your best pal in the middle of nowhere to fend for himself.
Have you ever done that to Stinkin Pete or Dirty Dave ,Twenty?
August 14th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
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That dolphin looks really sinister Fill
August 14th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
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Did you see the dolphin fountain topiary lower down? Pretty cool topiary…
August 14th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
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Have you ever done that to Stinkin Pete or Dirty Dave ,Twenty?
Many, many times. It’s great. Dolphins are sinister. The cunts.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
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Thank God they don’t have opposable thumbs or they would rule the world.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
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Sinister has style though, it has classs.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
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He’s one of those pretend helpful Dolphins that crashes ships against rocks by guiding them the wrong way to shore.. cunts
August 14th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
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Was the fella who named ‘Dolphins Barn’ just trying to frighten people then?
Why would Dolphins hav a Barn? Unless at one time they used to slither up out of the Liffey and after a couple of pints in The Palace pop along to the Abbey to see whatever play was on? And then stay over at The Barn Hotel?
Confused of Clontarf.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
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Any animal that can’t be eaten is just a distraction. Aliens would laugh at us.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
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I found my old wedding photos this morning - quite a difference from Morgor’s Mighty Mamms.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
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Go on maggot, post at least one.
Please…
August 14th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
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Monkey Balls, please don’t encourage him.White was so not his colour, he should have gone for the oyster satin. And incidentally you can eat dolphins, medieval monks could cunningly by-pass Lenten restrictions by eating whales or dolphins which were ’stranded’ on the beach
August 14th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
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What an erudite example, compared to Japanese or Inuit dolphin and whale eating habits.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
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Never mind the wedding dress - check out these tasteful outfits.
http://www.thedailypet.com/Costumes_for_Dogs_and_Puppies_s/45.htm
The cow and bee are my favourites.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
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I was so handsome - but I married the wrong sister.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
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Ha ha ha! The Canine Jane one looks like a womble, and the evil pirate pug has the best evil expression on it.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
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An Albanian dog. I guess that would be a King Zog.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
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It wasnt your own sister was it maggot? eeeeeewwwwww!
August 14th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
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Jeezus maggot, I’m sorry. I never thought of it like that. I just presumed that it was the same sister.
Sorry.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
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What sad bastard sits around day in day out sewing costumes for dogs?! I bet it looks great on the old CV:
“I worked in canine ‘haute couture’ for several years then got a big career upgrade to shovelling shit in a piggery.”
August 14th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
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I could be wrong, but I think the Pirate is a French Bulldog.
Never mind the wedding dress
Tried and failed miserably - the sister, who has a degree in Knackerology, reckons the bride is indeed a Knacker
August 14th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
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I stand corrected, it’s true, my knowledge of lap dogs is a wee bit rusty.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
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How are you on lap dancing ?
August 14th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
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If it’s any commiseration maggot, I had meself a bride back in the 80’s, and she too was knacker.
Still is in my book.
And if she didn’t have ALL the photos, I would post one.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
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HOAH & MB I have strong objections to the way this is developing!!Maggot you should think carefully about your sentence construction when you know the evil minds of the likely readers.
One for the dolphin afficionados- the stranded beasts were known as ‘fruits of the sea’ (can’t remember the Irish) so maybe Twenty has an historical precedent (or he’s a monk)
August 14th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
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I’m no monk. Dolphins are just cunts. Chattering cunts.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
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‘Dolphin’s Barn’ is one of those mediaeval heard-in-Dublinisms that stuck, a bit like Leopardstown except with a different mammal. Its real name is Dauphin’s Barre.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
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Hey Conan, next thing you will be telling us there were never any leopards in the aforementioned town! Unthinkable!
August 14th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
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Boggle, I just told our pups the other day that they would never suffer the indignity of being in a costume. They are a respectable working breed who don’t need the dress up.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
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I’m no monk.
I still think he’s a high ranking member of the Dublin Clergy. Or possibly a Mormon.
They also have dolphin issues.
Nothing wrong with my phrasing - I only have one sister, so it could not have referred to you.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
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Terrible, isn’t it? Twas full of lepers, and there’s still plenty of them there, especially on race days.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
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Or goats in Goatstown, rats in Rathmines or dwarfs in Littlehampton.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
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…and what about Muff?
August 14th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
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“I worked in canine ‘haute couture’ for several years then got a big career upgrade to shovelling shit in a piggery.”
Hehehe.
the sister, who has a degree in Knackerology, reckons the bride is indeed a Knacker
I don’t think she’s a knacker, she doesn’t have a rough enough face. Here are real ones
August 14th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
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Good headline in the Indo:
http://www.independent.ie/national-news/muff-miffed-over-cheap-shot-in-airlines-tv-ad-1043548.html
August 14th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
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‘fruits of the sea’
Gay cetacean shocker!
August 14th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
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I don’t think she’s a knacker, she doesn’t have a rough enough face.
Special offer from the knockerologist - face done when baps pumped up ?
August 14th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
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Boggle, I just told our pups the other day that they would never suffer the indignity of being in a costume.
You could get Omar a long leather coat and a shotgun. That’d be cool.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
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It wasnt a nun was it maggot?! mmmmmmm, penguins!
August 14th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
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Even worse Hoor - a Presbyterian dyke. A missed opportunity alas.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
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“You could get Omar a long leather coat and a shotgun. That’d be cool.”
Was called Omar after the Character in the Wire?
August 14th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
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face done when baps pumped up ?
I’m not convinced.
And the dress isn’t nasty enough.
She’d be wearing something like this .
(thanks FMC)
August 14th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
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“Or goats in Goatstown, rats in Rathmines or dwarfs in Littlehampton”
Swine in Swinford, coots in Coothill, monkfish in Monkstown, eels in Kilteely, shrimp in Dunshrimp…
August 14th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
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Spectacular ! My next wedding will be like that !
August 14th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
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If my mot had that dress, I wouldn’t let her take it off, ever!
August 14th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
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It must be that Omar. I watched the first series and thought that show was the nuts.
And then I watched some of the second series and when Stringer Bell put his mitts on D’angelo Barksdale’s missus I gasped, covered my mouth in shock and said: “But Stringer is the coolest black guy in the whole damn world! He would NEVER do that!”
And then I realised that I had lost all perspective and couldn’t tell if the show was ‘good’ anymore because I was as hooked as a witless bitch high on Sunday soap omnibuses. So I stopped watching The Wire.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
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Off topic I know, but is this Twenty in disguise?
http://newsvote.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/7560493.stm
August 14th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
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You still have not touched on Muff Conan?
August 14th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
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Cunts in Scunthorpe
August 14th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
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‘Cunts in Scunthorpe’
I’ve been, you’re right.
August 14th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
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MMN - you stopped watching because you liked it too much?
August 14th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
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Morgor that was magnificent. I shall sit my girls down and force them to watch that as a lesson on classiness & what happens when little girls play with Barbie too much ( Barb was banned in their formative years, hopefully).
Was she wearing trainers when they jammed her into the limo?
August 14th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
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I’m re-watching series 1 on DVD and its as good as the first time i saw it…
August 14th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
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It wasn’t just the jamming in the limo, it was the way she was walking as if she’d had her pelvis broken or shat herself. Though that would be the one adva tage of a dress like that, you could shit yourself with impunity.
August 14th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
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The Knacker wedding is the unseen episode from ‘Shameless’ the producers thought it would be to unbelievable to air on the TV.
August 14th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
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Nah, if I’m honest the whole story down in the port was starting to bore me but I have it all downloaded so I’m sure I’ll get to it eventually.
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder, eh?
Still think my ‘..and the hep A blooded Mincer’ was the one to go with, but if you’ve given up on the whole Harry Potter thing…
August 14th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
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Leopardstown.
Leopardstown.
Leopardstown.
When you say it a few times it’s sounds mad. Tell you one thing though, it never changes it’s night spots. Same one hole of a club since 1992.
August 14th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leopardstown
August 14th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
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“You still have not touched on Muff Conan?”
I’m only thankful you didn’t chance on Meanus. (Yes, it exists)
August 14th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
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Went hillwalking a few years back, parked in a laneway. A dog showed up, looked at us as if to say “A walk is it? Grand job so” and walked with us all the way up and back down again. Once we got back to the car it trotted off in to the house where it lived. Dogs are walk sluts.
August 14th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
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Leopardstown gets a mention in the movie Spy Kids, in which a road sign for Baile an Liopaird is seen outside Machete’s shop
What’s all that about?
August 14th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
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Was she wearing trainers when they jammed her into the limo?
oh yes.
August 14th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
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That has to be the best ever video clip!
August 14th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
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There are Coots in Coothill a few Cunts as well
August 14th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
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Leprosy…. I’m not half the man I used to beeeee.
Now my feet are where my knees should be, oh Leprosy….
August 14th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
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http://www.andreaharner.com/archives/pregnant-wedding-dress.jpg
August 15th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
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