Not so Cuil
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on July 29th, 2008
I’ve been hearing and reading about this new searching engine called Cuil which is apparently pronounced ‘cool’.
It should be pronounced ‘crap’.
It’s all well and good saying you’re going to compete with Google but you’re not going to compete with Dirty Dave’s home made Google (a set of Encyclopedia Brittanica with a Texas Instruments calculator sellotaped to the front of it) with crap search results.
Naturally I searched for twenty major. Despite saying they wouldn’t be relying on Wikipedia like Google it’s the first result up. Then you click for the next page of results and it tells you that no results have been found. Click back and try again and it brings you through. I got to about 5 pages and still had found no results whatsoever for my site (the .net, it has loads for the old Blogspot blog though, ironically enough owned and powered by Google). After that I got bored trying to make the site work,
A search for “twenty major” returned no results whatsoever three times in a row then brought up the exact same results as the previous search.
From the article:
The would-be Google rival says its service goes beyond prevailing search techniques that focus on Web links and audience traffic patterns and instead analyzes the context of each page and the concepts behind each user search request.
What fucking concepts? I am searching for something. I want you to give me results. I don’t want concepts or analysis. I can figure that out for myself.
Some more random searches bring results which are, for the most part, pretty rubbish and often irrelevant to what I’m looking for.
So, I’ll stick with Google. It might be a monster corportation, an ad company more than a search company but at least I can find good stuff. With Cuil I still haven’t found what I’m looking for and any search engine that turns me into Bono can get fucked.
Update: Having given it a day or two to find its feet, this morning I searched for my entire URL. I put in http://twentymajor.net and not one single result in the first five pages was from my site. I didn’t go any further than five pages because it would have been pointless. You want results on the first page, nobody goes five pages in.
There were loads of pictures of Tom Raftery though.
Another search for ‘twenty major blog’ returned 0 results.
A search for ‘twenty major smoking blog’ returned a massive 1 result which was for Grandad.
Sorry Cuil, but your site is rubbish and I won’t be using it ever again.
U2, huh?
I’ll get me coat.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:21 am
I cuiled myself this morning as a tester.
Nothing.
I’m not famous or anything but I know there are some direct references to me on a few sites.
First on the list was Perry Groves, ex Arsenal footballer.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:30 am
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I’m not sure I want to “Cuilie” myself. Isn’t that some sort of slang for big mangey coldsores or something??
July 29th, 2008 at 9:35 am
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What I want to know is how these guys allegedly got $25m in funding.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:48 am
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Very uncuil.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:48 am
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i tried it yesterday, the server was down
July 29th, 2008 at 9:50 am
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121,617,892,992 websites and there’s nothin on
121,617,892,992 websites and there’S nothin on
July 29th, 2008 at 9:57 am
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» Who’s bidding on “ellybabes”? ellybabes: Mad ramblings whenever I feel like it…. says:
[...] than Google (12,929 vs c.12,300), I think its ranking algorithms could do with some work yet. As Twenty commented, you would expect the domain names containing your search term to be reported first, ranking over [...]
July 29th, 2008 at 10:04 am
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So is Google the new Microsoft then? It works pretty well for me, I have to admit.
July 29th, 2008 at 10:26 am
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I typed in internet, it exploded.
July 29th, 2008 at 10:38 am
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Shite name. If you’re going to use an Irish name for a brand, think about it long and hard. Cuil is crap, it could be mistaken for Kill, Quill, Cull, etc. It’s rubbish.
Also the first page is all black and reflective. I don’t want to see myself in the morning on the computer.
Rummage would be a good name for a search engine…
I rummaged it….. Stop asking me, go fucking rummage it.
July 29th, 2008 at 10:43 am
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I’m shamed by the blogging world’s geekery. Damien Mulley’s site makes me feel like a small, foolish girl-child. As is evident, I can’t even type.
July 29th, 2008 at 10:45 am
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Couple interesting hits for maggot
Maggot Brain
And the really gross, perverted and NOT WORK SAFE
Maggot Lover
I might have known something as shinner as Cuil would lead to deviancy!
July 29th, 2008 at 11:05 am
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ugh, christ. And I thought stepping on a slug was bad. Not that I’m going to look, mind. LALALALA
July 29th, 2008 at 11:06 am
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The mouse hovered over maggot’s link, daring me to click it, i mean how much trouble could I really get into ??
July 29th, 2008 at 11:10 am
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Scary thought - There are people out there even sicker than the reprobates Twenty has as regulars.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:12 am
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meh, i tried one search and it was ok.
By the way, does anyone else here love Old Gregg?
July 29th, 2008 at 11:15 am
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WARNING: Do not type the word “search engine” into Cuil. This will cause an infinite reality loop, which could result in the end of the universe as we know it.
100% of FACT.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:16 am
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I considered disagreeing with that, but as someone once expressed his delight at the thought of fucking my five year old, I won’t argue with the terms sick or reprobate…
July 29th, 2008 at 11:16 am
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Jesus Jo - that really was outrageous.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:21 am
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It’s ok, Tinman gave out to him :)
It’s going to be some aeons before I learn to find that sort of thing funny, though.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:24 am
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Eww, was that on here?
July 29th, 2008 at 11:31 am
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Yep.
But I find the ‘What’s better than shagging twenty six year olds?’ pretty much in the same category - though perhaps it doens’t land the same if you don’t currently have a small child…
It was in response to mourning the good old days of filth and evil, rather than chats and going for pints I think. A reclaiming of territory, and I understand it as such. But still…
July 29th, 2008 at 11:33 am
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When was that?
July 29th, 2008 at 11:33 am
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A good while ago now. I couldn’t tell you. And I think the name disappeared into the ether again. Don’t worry about it.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:35 am
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Fair enough.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:38 am
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I went looking for myself too found very little except some dodgy german looking dj……which is not me……
July 29th, 2008 at 11:51 am
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Christ Jo. That’d make you give up the interweb.
Even though I’ve never met any of your good selves, I feel very protective towards to you all with the exception of FCS.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:51 am
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Keano, Keano, Keano,
There’s only one Keano.
And isn’t that wanker from cork
July 29th, 2008 at 11:51 am
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Maggot, I’m afraid to click on your links. I’m a chicken. Can’t even look at rotten.com
July 29th, 2008 at 11:52 am
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And it isn’t ……………
July 29th, 2008 at 11:53 am
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Is it Jimmy Keano from Offaly?
July 29th, 2008 at 11:53 am
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Cuil.com is great… I typed in “My car keys” and it said “In your pocket”. So then I put them in the fridge and did it again and it said “Beside the butter”. Brilliant.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:55 am
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haha
July 29th, 2008 at 11:59 am
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And isn’t that wanker from cork
Is is the Desperate Dan looking cunt from Tallaght? Poxy prick and now a Scouse poxy prick.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
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Holemaster - I’ll bet Johnny5 is the end one!
July 29th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
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Once he scores 20+ goals I don’t care how much of a prick he is.
Tallaght is poxy alright
July 29th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
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when i enter ‘how to murder amy winehouse’ into cuil i get some strange results, but when i type ‘how to murder robbie keane’ i get nothing. strange.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
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Hey Peader, maybe Liverpool can teach him the offside rule the useless cunt. He will be at home in Liverpool, his thieving Tallaght ways, and the Liverpudlians overwhelming dress sense should make him more than comfortable.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
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I hope he snaps both his achilles after celebrating his first goal with his trademark tumble and gunslinger routine, the fucking cock.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
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The signing of Keane is the last piece of the jigsaw in lining up the greatest battle of our generation - The Doomsday Knacker Battle between Stevie G and Robbie K. It will probably be the usual messy one on one battle to the death, but they should consider a Superstars type confrontation where the two wealthy scobes enter into a battle of (no, definitely not wits) shiny tracksuits as they test their skills - hubcap lifting, shop liftling, legging it from the shades, knocking up teenage gurlz and of course, signing on the dole.
Sometimes I miss being on the islands. Still scary how much cash has been spent on Keane over the last 10 years - Coventry will probably get a cut of this deal.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
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Oh that Keano.
He’s a right gay cunt.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
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Its a pity the two robbies wont be playing together (fowler & Keane). They’re enough to give any back line nightmares.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
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…and I dont mean their dazzling ball control skills.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
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Wow, he’s not very popular here, is he? Ye are begrudging shower of cunts.
He gave up that stupid celebration ages ago
July 29th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
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Story 20? How goes it these days? This new country is fierce strange - which says a lot for new countries in general but thankfully my drug free environment is keeping the productivity at a splendid standard so I don’t really notice just how fucking strange this new lot are.
I have even taken to having my Guinness imported to avoid them making any form of profit from my drinking - they have a weasel-esque attitude to charging people for every scratch of the balls. Bit paranoid too. Still, good fun when you don’t even make up stories about the Irish and they think you are exaggerating. I feel a jolly boys outing to Sheriff St coming along ….
July 29th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
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If you saw these two running at you it would be like watching Jurassic Park in 3D.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
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No he didn’t Peader - he still does it with all the panache and style of a Sunday league footballer down in Rathfarnham.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
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It’s all good Ubollix. Mostly. Where are you these days?
July 29th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
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I never saw him do it once for spurs last season
July 29th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
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Hey Major, you want an argument..my girlfriend says you are a cunt, Cuil is extremly good, but perhaps you need to read the instructions properly uou spas…her words not mine, but I am inclined to go with her opinion as she is in the business.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
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With respect to your girlfriend she’s talking out of her arse. I’ve been using it all morning and it’s worse than asking an old man something.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
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A boring hell Twenty.
A real life, before death, boring hell.
The work is great. Not for everyone but still one of those dreamish type contracts of employment. So I’m happy which is really all that matters at the end of the day.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
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I saw him do it for sure last season - during of those stupid 5-5 draws they had over christmas.
I think. Then again, I was exceptionally shitfaced all day every day. Great place for christmas drinking.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
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Well if you’re happy then I’m … erm … reasonably please. Or something.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
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You’re in hell yet you’re happy?
July 29th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
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Aha!
Enter ” Major, Twenty ” into Cuil and bingo!
Even the book is on the first page.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
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Happiness is a cigar called, no that isn’t it, em, let’s see, happiness is when you are happy, nope, that can’t be right, no I got it, happiness is when you realise you deserve to be there.
Happy in hell. Have to be.
That’s right.
There is nothing reasonable about being pleased Twenty. In fact, they are two words that are actually anti-words.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
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only link for my blog goes to some prick who gave me a score of 6/10.
lets call it 3 stars outta 5 though…. nicer.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
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I dunno, there are degrees of pleasure, surely.
He doesn’t seem orgasmically pleased…
Holemaster, re your interweb comment, I did think about that, I’ll admit.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
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What did he give you that for, B’dum?
July 29th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
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“But I find the ‘What’s better than shagging twenty six year olds?’ pretty much in the same category - though perhaps it doens’t land the same if you don’t currently have a small child…”
That joke as reported on here a little while back by Twenty was “What’s the Worst thing about shagging etc etc”.
I replied with the context of the original in mind and asked of the aforesaid Mr Major ‘Shouldn’t that be “What’s the best thing etc etc”‘.
So you see even our crude ‘n’ snide Twenty has his limits. He’s no Chris Morris.
As for Cuil, I’d love to see it out search the tabloid Google.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
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What’s the big deal with no limits? What’s wrong with limits? I don’t really get bad taste for its own sake, as opposed to humour’s. Just so you can be seen to be … what?
July 29th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
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Hmm, I sound prim. I’m far from prim, really.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
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The point I was trying to make Jo was, not that I endorse paedophilia, I most certainly do not, but that, even though Twenty uses copious amounts of what is considered the last great swear word there are some avenues he will not venture down.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
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Passages, even.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
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Hmm, apparently I don’t exist on Cuil. There are probably several people who wish its results were accurate at that rate! Back to Google, where they do love me…
July 29th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
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Heh! Damn, I’m going to burn in Hell!
July 29th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
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I’m not sure how an enthusiasm for saying cunt (and so on) means you should also embrace paedophilia? Thw wishing violent death on everybody does get wearing. I’ll admit :)
I’m sitting on my hands so as not to travel any further down the ‘passage’ route today.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
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Back on track though. I think that the good thing about Cuil is that it’s not going down the popularity route that Google uses.
When I have to search for solutions with Google I have to wade through an enormous amount of shite to get what I want.
I think Cuil could have great academic use.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
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“it’s worse than asking an old man something”
Twenty, I think you’re onto something there. Cuil is probably an old boy with a laptop in a cottage at the back of the beyonds in the Conamara Gaeltacht.
You’d think he’s got parkinsons but he’s actually shaking with laughter at the size of the “deontas” he got out of Údarás na Gaeltachta.
July 29th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
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“Twenty, I think you’re onto something there. Cuil is probably an old boy with a laptop in a cottage at the back of the beyonds in the Conamara Gaeltacht.”
Paradise. For me anyway….. Well, once I have a missus…. oh and a border collie to go to the shops for me coz you can train them to do that.
July 29th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
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Jo, surely he gave me less than 11/10 because he’s the man and cannot comprehend my extreme views on supermarket shelves!
July 29th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
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July 29th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
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oops!
July 29th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
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Sorry, thought my web connection was fucked for a moment.
July 29th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
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Yeah so out with it!
July 29th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
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I was going to say whats wrong with looking people up in the phone book and in the court reports? Use the most reliable search engine in the world, your own brain!
July 29th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
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..this excludes Monkey balls.
July 29th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
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…and Morgor
July 29th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
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..and holemaster.
July 29th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
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fatcocksacker.
July 29th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
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Supergrover.
July 29th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
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Forget I said anything.
July 29th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
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Oh dear - back to the drawing board
“Cuil gives users a richer display of results [such as] images to identify topics,” reads the company’s press release. And as loyal Reg reader Jonathan Grattage points out, he and his quantum research are identified with “little pictures of a US serviceman and a guy masturbating over some other poor sap”:
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/07/29/cuil_launch/
July 30th, 2008 at 9:25 am
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