With a little help from my friends
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on July 24th, 2008
Yesterday was a very stressful day. As usual, in times of stress, I turned to my closest companion to help me calm down.
Beer.
Unfortunately the beer only served to fuel my ire so when I went home I thought I’d try and calm down the beer rage with another close pal.
Wine.
The wine certainly had a settling effect and some good ranting at Bastardface got a bit of it off my chest. But in order to make the difficult day go away as quickly as possible I had a couple of sleepy drinks.
Whiskey.
As you might imagine my head, this morning, feels like it is being jackhammered by millions of little brain dwarves and the idea of brain dwarves is making me feel somewhat ill.
I can fully understand people who are driven to the point where killing someone seems like an entirely reasonable idea. I would consider myself to be relatively level-headed but I would quite cheerfully have slaughtered a man yesterday. Not just killed him. Slaughtered him. Eviscerated him. Slowly. And with relish. Not that kind of relish. I said kill, not cannibalise.
Still, today can’t possibly be as much of a cunt of a day as yesterday. At least I hope not. Because if it is this will be the last ever post here as the killing will begin in earnest. I may even go on a spree in the hopes that it will send me over the edge and I’ll spend the rest of my days in an asylum, rocking back and forth, repeating one phrase over and over.
I haven’t decided what that phrase might be yet though. Something about a wall, maybe. Or ‘Shoulda called me back. Shoulda called me back’.
I’m open to suggestion though.
“don’t look at me. DON’T LOOK AT ME!!”
July 24th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Stay of the beer/wine/whiskey when enraged is my top tip, it does not mellow one out only fuels the imagination for more violent behaviour. My top tip would be to smoke a large one if one wishes to calm down a little.
Alternatively just huff some Crystal Meth and go on a killing spree.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:56 am
1
How about ” Open my wallet and help yourself”?
just a thought!
July 24th, 2008 at 8:58 am
2
Whiskey is the work of demons. Best steer clear when feeling a tad psycho.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:58 am
3
hug?
July 24th, 2008 at 8:58 am
4
hmmm, trying to calm down by drinking whiskey is like trying to put out a fire with petrol. or whiskey.
As for the phrase, I think you should murder Barney and then use “two plus two is four, two plus two is four . . .”
July 24th, 2008 at 9:06 am
5
Buggerfuckshitwank?
July 24th, 2008 at 9:09 am
6
Perhaps you could employ a wooly jumpered ,bearded,jazz loving, 2cv Driving counsellor type, to share your problems and work through them in a civilized manner, perhaps through the medium of modern dance.
Nonny?
July 24th, 2008 at 9:10 am
7
you could have sung a song to calm down. Happy talking talking happy talk - actually the murdering would come quicker if you did that.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:11 am
8
Don’t discount the canabalism option out of hand.
I can vouch for the satisfying goodness of a pedantic cunt on toast, smothered with Ballmalloe.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:12 am
9
You need a change of lifestyle, Twenty. You should move up here to the mountains. Much more relaxing. And we welcome people with murderous streaks?
July 24th, 2008 at 9:20 am
10
Yep but welcoming people with “Sure does have a purty mouth” and threatening to make them squeal like a piggy is not the kind of welcome a townie would appreciate.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:26 am
11
banjo playing mountainy people? you’d fit right in there Twenty
July 24th, 2008 at 9:28 am
12
Why is it thoughts of homicide soothe your soul, Twenty?
You know what they say… wine after beer… FEAR.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:36 am
13
I always find music, of a certain type, calms me down with “It’s such a perfect day” a big memory of a momentous but very stressful day in my life that occurred more than 10 years ago. A vat of good red wine always helps the sandman to come but Billy Connolly also gave good advice - Take the juice of one bottle of whiskey, a busty blonde and go to bed!!
July 24th, 2008 at 9:38 am
14
OK Jo, who says that? and are there any other pearls of wisdom?
Gin after Rum …BUM
July 24th, 2008 at 10:01 am
15
curry after harps -> Sharts
July 24th, 2008 at 10:04 am
16
Cinzano after ale …FAIL
July 24th, 2008 at 10:05 am
17
Jo - it’s only the thought of murdering one particular person that soothes my soul.
July 24th, 2008 at 10:05 am
18
he retired didn’t he twenty ?
July 24th, 2008 at 10:07 am
19
The slightest silver lining when suffering from the wrath of grapes, the only thing to look forward to on the morning after is a really satisfying 20-minute dump. I dunno, it might just be a man thing.
July 24th, 2008 at 10:08 am
20
Different person, Red. But that would also bring me some tranquility.
July 24th, 2008 at 10:16 am
21
Twenty how about these….
“please leave a message after the tone, meeep”
“if i had known you were coming, I’d have baked you a cake”
“Dick Roche is a cunt”
July 24th, 2008 at 10:23 am
22
You only have our email addresses dont you Twenty? (nervous chuckle)
July 24th, 2008 at 10:32 am
23
Turps after meths, death
July 24th, 2008 at 10:35 am
24
Still waiting for the man, eh?
July 24th, 2008 at 10:39 am
25
How about
“The poo tastes better cold…the poo tastes better cold”
July 24th, 2008 at 10:51 am
26
eight pints and acid - flaccid
July 24th, 2008 at 10:54 am
27
As you rock back and forth with the traces of your feast smeared all over your face.
July 24th, 2008 at 10:55 am
28
Faecal feast. The best kind.
July 24th, 2008 at 10:55 am
29
hotwaterbottleandabottleofbovril
July 24th, 2008 at 11:08 am
30
Still waiting for the man, eh?
Twenty-six dollars in my hand.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:22 am
31
I think that you need to sit down and put some nice calming music on.. here’s a playlist to help you put those brain dwarves to sleep and make you feel better.. because of the severity of your murderous urges I think that this playlist is best listened to whilst looking at pictures of cute little kittens playing with balls of wool:
Damien Rice - the blowers daughter
David Gray - babylon
Bright eyes - the first day of my life
Daniel O’Donnell & Mary Duff - Together again
I think i had better go now
July 24th, 2008 at 11:25 am
32
Run…
July 24th, 2008 at 11:26 am
33
Mr. Major, I know you hate owls, they are cunts after all, how about pigeons though? Surely they are much greater cunts than owls?
Just walking on Baggott Street and a pigeon managed to defecate on my back. The sneaky little bastard, he must have been trying to do that. If I could get my hands on him I would give him such a thrashing.
So, how about it, an anti pigeon agenda should be adopted by you?
Thanks,
July 24th, 2008 at 11:42 am
34
twenty major,only my faaaaaaaaaat coooooock
can help you to get away from streeeeesssss.
fat cock hates you allllllll.
only a fat cock can bring you tranquility,
so forget any help because you have no friends.
fat cock hates you all and fucks you all.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:47 am
35
dessie,where are you?
July 24th, 2008 at 11:47 am
36
ANOTHER QUESTION,WHAT DO YOU SMOKE?
AIR
July 24th, 2008 at 11:56 am
37
Twenty, I can see from your blog some of the people in the lunatic asylum have access to the Internet, I think you should campaign against this as it only encouranges the mentaller cunts.
NO, NO, NOT MY MEDICATION, I PROMISE TO BE GOOD
July 24th, 2008 at 11:59 am
38
“it’s just been revoked” works in all situations……
July 24th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
39
A curry then 12 shots = a dose of the trots
Viagra and Poppers = A trip to Coppers
July 24th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
40
FCS is gone all Gluastaein on us…random all caps blogkriegs
July 24th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
41
oh blogkrieg is already a term.
nothing is new anymore :(
July 24th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
42
Buckfast and Smack = a violated crack
July 24th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
43
rohypnol and schnapps - access to baps
July 24th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
44
Stella and Fat Frog: wake up with a dog
July 24th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
45
Harveybanger: You bang her.
Whiskey and Guinness: Your next door’s missus.
Whiskey and Absenthe: Was there consent?
July 24th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
46
damn… harveyWALLbanger
July 24th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
47
Guinness and black russians - next morning massive poo pushin
July 24th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
48
A GOOD SHOT, SAMBUCA AND BLUE CURACAO IN
A BRANDY GLASS, SET IT ON FIRE AND DRINK
WITH A STRAW THROUGH THE FLAME.
FAT COCK SACKS YOU ALLXXXXX
July 24th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
49
Don’t fucking start now. I’m warning you.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
50
Pernod and Perrier: makes the French merrier
July 24th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
51
PUERILE PISH,your medication is non stop
cock for twenty years,how your ass hole
will be?
July 24th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
52
Well Jo, there are enough drink related nuggets of wisdom for you to carry forward into any drink related conversation, all preceded with a “You know what they say”. Only now you know who “they” are.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
53
Perrier and Merrier???
OK I am saying nothing…
July 24th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
54
SAm, can’t argue I am off to buy some KY, word from the mentallers is I am getting my arse road off for twenty years, sounds like it may chafe so better get prepared.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
55
PP, your puctuation is awful, here I have fixed for you
SAm, can’t argue I am off to buy some K! Y? word from the mentallers is I am getting my arse road off for twenty.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
56
That’s worse!
July 24th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
57
Don’t go mad spending your money on KY there PP. Word is that FSC is a lot more fat than cock, (and he lives in a sack.)
He won’t trouble you much.
Continuing the You know what they say… theme;
Big mouth, small penis.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
58
you warn me? you are all cowards trying to be
smart. all typing on your laptops or your computers pretending you know everything and that you are going to save the world. go to iraq, go to afghanistan and help your friend bush, rather staying in your offices, sacking my cock.
fat cock no longer salutes you but hates you all.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
59
Now there’s a man who really needs a hug.
Any takers?
July 24th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
60
ehhh… no
July 24th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
61
all typing on your laptops or your computers pretending you know everything and that you are going to save the world.
I do know everything. Just ask me a question.
PS: i’m saving the world one witty comment at a time.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
62
monkey balls,you can try it anytime.
then you can have your own test ,and
you can tell them,what a nice experience
you had.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
63
“I do know everything. Just ask me a question”
What’s the cure for baldness?
July 24th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
64
why tarzan has no beard? morgor
July 24th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
65
You don’t remember me, do you FSC?
I knew you weren’t really upset when I told you that I hadn’t felt anything. I bet you say that to all the boys.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
66
FSC is a mentalist. He’s the blog version of a mad man walking down the street screaming random unconnected thoughts.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
67
wonder is he from mayo?
July 24th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
68
‘Course he’s from Mayo, ye fuckin’ thick.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
69
Dungarvan?
July 24th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
70
monkey balls, you can try again .
supergrover,not mayo
holemaster,i am not screaming and i dont
walk the streets.
morgor ,why tarzan doesnt have a beard?
fat cock doesnt salutes you.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
71
You know that town where all the inhabitants are retarded 40yr old men with pot bellies, who haven’t seen their dicks since they were teenagers? That’s the one.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
72
“why tarzan doesnt have a beard?”
because the director / make-up artists on the film versions of the story of this fictional character didn’t want the actor portraying the lead character to be bearded.
next.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
73
What’s the cure for baldness?
A wig.
why tarzan has no beard?
Because he shaves.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
74
“monkey balls, you can try again .
supergrover,not mayo
holemaster,i am not screaming and i dont
walk the streets.
morgor ,why tarzan doesnt have a beard?
fat cock doesnt salutes you.”
Jesus Twenty, was yer man sat down the bar from you last night?
July 24th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
75
supergrover,WRONG,TRY AGAIN
if you get it i will tell you.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
76
Because Tarzan was a woman
July 24th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
77
“What’s the cure for baldness?
A wig.”
‘Hairpiece or wig’ thats what I had written down. Christ Morgor, you do know everything!
July 24th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
78
Am I supposed to keep guessing after already providing a perfectly correct answer to your question?
Jaysus, emmm…
Because the “parrots eat ‘em all” or something like that?
July 24th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
79
In Tarzan of the Apes, the first book about Tarzan, you can see clearly that he shaved:
…He was worried because he had not clothing to indicate to all the jungle folksthat he was a man and not an ape, and grave doubt oftenentered his mind as to whether he might not yet become an ape.Was not hair commencing to grow upon his face? All theapes had hair upon theirs but the black men were entirelyhairless, with very few exceptions.True, he had seen pictures in his books of men with greatmasses of hair upon lip and cheek and chin, but, nevertheless,Tarzan was afraid. Almost daily he whetted his keen knifeand scraped and whittled at his young beard to eradicate thisdegrading emblem of apehood.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
80
Jesus, you really are a tedious cunt, fatcockdevil. Cheerio.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
81
I had this mantra for years:
“I stand in circles of light which nothing may cross.”
It doesn’t help much anymore.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
82
fatcocksacked?
July 24th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
83
There is actually a 100% cure for baldness, but its a bit severe…
July 24th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
84
I feel sick today - but I’m glad to hear you are considering the serial otion Twenty - don’t be ruling out the cannabalism otion though.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
85
“fatcocksacked?”
Phew!
July 24th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
86
Baldness is great. I’m not bald meself, but I’d ride the arse off any woman who’ll shave her head.
Think about it girls, not only do you save a fortune on shampoo, hair-cuts, conditioner and curlers, you get the ride of your life thrown in.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
87
Discount for anyone on Chemotherapy!
July 24th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
88
haha
July 24th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
89
Castration of a male, before he develops baldness will prevent it occurring.
Has the Fat Cock been castrated??
July 24th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
90
He has.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
91
What about one ball SAm? If you just lob one knacker off will that slow it down or does it just do twice the work of one?
July 24th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
92
talking out my arse again.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
93
Holemaster, if you lob one of them off, the other one will fall out of the hole that’s left.
You’d have none left, and be forced to become a politician.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
94
baldness is caused by male hormones, so if you cut off the supply of those hormones, namely the testes, I think, you stop the baldness.
But you may now have no reason to attract females, unless you still want someone to do the ironing!
July 24th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
95
I definitely need to listen to less talk radio..
July 24th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
96
haha, it’s getting stroppy now that its comments are being moderated
“I AM NOT FATCOCKDEVIL, TWENTY CUNT.”
heh
July 24th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
97
I would say Fatcocksacker’s mother had herself voluntarially geecapped after giving birth to that monstrosity.
Jesus wept…..
July 24th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
98
Thanks for all the sympathy - cunts!
July 24th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
99
Fuck off Maggot, you are probably just coming out of your larval stage.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
100
Geecapped, haha.
There there, maggot, you’ll be better before you’re twice married. Unlike PP.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
101
There is no need to be so drastic, dressed roadkill can be the perfect accessory for the bald man. Imagine the looks of envy as your badger striped head was seen in any social situation
July 24th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
102
probably just coming out of your larval stage.
Cannot happen as the smoking has stunted my growth.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
103
You must have eaten something fresh - easy mistake to make…
July 24th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
104
I ran out of politicians Dessie.
July 24th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
105
I’d go with “I’d do it all again, all again”, coupled with an evil eye-glint to signify utter satisfaction with your killing.
July 24th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
106
‘Come near me and you’re next’.
July 24th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
107