We were sitting in Ron’s last night, bored with the summer. It’s been a dull one all round. I keep thinking about starting a fight with someone, just for the want of something to do, but then I figure I’ve got better things to do. Maybe not so much better as less pointless.
Anyway, in came Stinking Pete, all excited.
“Jesus”, he said, “did you see out on the road there?”
“What?”, said Jimmy.
“There’s a dead fox. You don’t see too many of them round these parts”.
“Was it squashed, like it had been run over, or did it appear relatively injury free?”
“Looked to me like it had died of natural causes”.
“Is that so? How interesting”.
“Why is it so interesting”.
“Never mind”, said Jimmy, “you wouldn’t be into it anyway”.
“Into what?”
“Tell him, Twenty”.
“Eh?”
“Tell him what’s so interesting about a dead fox that hasn’t been run over and has died of natural causes”.
“Ahh, of course. Well …erm … you know the way you’re a bit worried that you’re getting thin on top, Pete?”
“Yeah?”
“They say that if you eat the stomach of a dead fox it’ll make your hair grow back really thick. But it only works if you find a fox that hasn’t been run over or shot and 98.6% of all foxes are killed that way”.
“Fuck off, you’re having me on. Right?”
“It’s true. Ask anyone”.
“You’re all messers. I’m going into the snug to ask old Charlie. He wouldn’t lie to me”.
So off he went and came out looking quite amazed. He then dashed out the door and came running back in carrying the dead fox. He slapped it down on the bar and asked Ron to give him a knife. Ron obliged and soon there was ginger fur and blood everywhere. It was like a Carrot Top abortion.
“Is that the stomach?”, he asked.
“No, that looks like a mangled kidney to me”.
“What about this?”
“No, liver”.
“This?”
“That just looks like a tumour”.
Eventually he found the stomach – which was oozing at both ends as he wolfed it down as quickly as he could, gagging between bites. Just then old Charlie passed by on his way to the toilet.
“So you ate it then?”
“Glorm”, Pete nodded.
“You know it won’t do anything to make your hair grow back, right?”
“What?! But you told me it would. I trusted you and you were just in on the joke with the rest of these fuckers”.
“I wasn’t in on it but if someone comes up to you and you have the chance to make them eat a dead fox’s stomach then you’d be a poor man to not make it happen”.
Pete wiped the blood from his face. Charlie continued into the jacks and had a piss.
Everybody knows it’s the testicles – the stomach is for fertility problems.
Why would the stomach be for fertility?
Is that because the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?
Plastering a piece of skin to his head, held in place with its own drying goo might have been more effective.
Why has baldness not been reversed yet? What with all the boffins working so tirelessly?
Baldness and Star Trek style transporting, boffins, come the fuck on.
Still not as funny as a combover, though.
ah for fox sake
if someone comes up to you and you have the chance to make them eat a dead fox’s stomach then you’d be a poor man to not make it happen
truer words never said.
Theres’s a dead badger on the N11 , what parts of the badger cure what ailments.
Does anyone remember a film with Hollly Hunter, maybe called Little Miss Firecracker?
It opens with a taciturn Hillbilly Tim Robbins, driving his pick up round the interstate, scooping up roadkill with a shovel and looking pissed off.
Why won’t the councils employ some local weirdos to do that here? Having built the roads without simple pipes underneath for animals to pass through, the least they can do is remove all the corpses thier ineptitude has generated.
I love badgers.
http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/
The N11 is a veritable feast:
Entree: Terrine of Tabby Cat
Main Course: Venison a la Pirelli
Sweet : Baked Badger Alaska
There are numerous hedgehog nibbles one can have before dinner.
Eh, RedLeeroy, wtf?
Who’s allowed look at youtube? Have you seen the dramatic lemur?
holy shit, i have now seen the dramatic lemur. he stared into my soul.
I was playing golf on Sunday and a fecking fox ran away with my golf ball on the 12th… I wonder is that what killed him?
Pete didn’t find a Titleist pro-V 1 with 3 green dots in his stomach sandwich by any chance?
You were quiet on the golf post, Tricia :)
man, i would not mess with that lemur
That Lemur is a cunt. I’d fucking take him and his fucking mates. Starey cunt.
Leave Carrot Top out of this!
No you wouldn’t Twenty, you’d run away like his scaredy bitch and you know it.
Leave Carrot Top out of this!
He’s a fucking cunt too.
It’s a fucking lemur, Jo. Not an axe-weilding Lord of the Rings monster.
You can’t say what hypnotic powers he has, Twenty. Look into his eyes, not round his eyes, look into his eyes. Now get him a beetle. You’d e his beetle butt-monkey in seconds. Seconds!
He is a ginger, and therefore exempt, don’t have me come over there.
You would still shit it you townie cunt, the lemur could take you but probably wouldn’t bother , he would leave his mate the bushbaby to pummel your pampered arse.
You would still shit it you townie cunt
Haha, yeah twenty, you pampered city boy.
No lemur is a match for the ninja skills I learned in the Blackpitts.
What if there were ten? I’m off to the zoo tomorrow, wold you like to come too too too and we’ll set up an ultimate lemur challenge. We’ll put you in a fruit suit and see who’s got the ninja skills then.
Ninjas have swords. Skewered lemur all round.
Robbing a spice burger does not make you a fucking Ninja.
And wearing black pyjamas during the day does not make you look like a Ninja, just a scummer.
“Why won’t the councils employ some local weirdos to do that here? ”
I think they do. But I was in Belfast a while back and saw a Meath registered Pick up truck with a fat sloppy guy and his son pull in on the M3 and scoop up road kill. So maybe he’s the guy with the contract for the whole island!! He probably makes a fortune.
If the fox wasn’t run over, it probably just dies of rabies. And although it’s unlikely to help Pete’s hair loss, he’ll never have to buy shaving foam ever again.
I started up my car once and there was a puff of fluff out of my air vents and a slight shudder from the engine. So I reversed back slowly to see a dead cat splayed on the ground. Poor thing was probably asleep in the engine.
So, not being a fan of holding warm just dead animals, I decided to return to the car park to the next day and retrieve it with a shovel.
There it was still splayed out but with the rigor mortis (had to google that) set in which foiled my plan of putting it the bin on the footpath. So I thought, hang on, why not just leave it at the side of the road like roadkill where the council will pick it up. So I did. Looked very convincing.
Why won’t the councils employ some local weirdos to do that here?
Features in a wonderful book by Stuart MacBride – Cold Granite – set in Aberdeen – chap is known as “Roadkill”
But really Twenty – I met a Golden Tamarind who says he gave you a right hammering with an ashtray – so you would have no chance against a lemur.
Incidentally – Morgor looks a bit like a tamarind.
are they a sort of nut?
I think they are an orange, and although Twenty may be a townie, I think even he could take a fruit, however I think Maggot was referring to a Tamarin a squirrel sized monkey which in all fairness would take Twenty and his mates in a bar fight.
Oh and Major, don’t think that going to the Zoo and shouting “come and have a go” at the ring tails will impress us, the wire fence is there for your protection.
I once nutted a capuchin monkey. Normally not my style but we were both drunk and he started it.
the zoo is a haven of violence, every animal in there is waiting for a chance to kick off.
Excuse me!
Dolden Tamarind
In fairness, ring tailed lemurs are very friendly. Not like the other mad eyed creature.
Ah crap – stupid keyboard! Amyway, it is a Tamarind – and would eat twenty for breakfast.
http://www.hensonrobinsonzoo.org/vrtourlb/vrimages/tamarin.jpg
heh
I once nutted a capuchin monkey
They are provocative cunts
They go all oikey with a few whiskeys on board…
Not my mate anymore, the humpy cunt
SG – did you make a pass at him ? They hate anybody touching their nuts.
He spent enough time touching his nuts himself.
Wally the Wanker we called him, even though his name was Derek.
Hardly surpising he went ape if you called him Wally the Wanker.
Monkey puns, eh…?
Fuck off. Twenty will go ape…oops
I knew a girl called Gertie the Gibbon. She liked to think of herself as an Urban Gorilla, but she wasn’t hard enough.
A monkey stole my clothes one time. I rang the Gardai and asked them to keep an eye out for a primate wearing macaques.
Jesus…
I was doing some DIY the other day. My missus offered to help by making holes in the skirting but I said Sorry, It’s a Mandrill so you can’t use it.
Come on lads. If we start on the monkey puns, we’ll end up sounding completely proboscirous.
But they’re the puns that gibbon gibbon on
You’re all hypocrites – you give Twenty shit for his horrible puns, but now here we go again.
Scared of making a howler Jo? Anyway this is revenge for all the times he has ambushed us with a bad pun in a cowardly fashion.. At least we give it a full frontal assualt.
Bring it on. There’s a wealth of 80s music ripe for the picking.
As Twenty once pointed out, there is a time and a place for everything – this is the time and the place for some hypocrisy!
There’s a wealth of 80s music ripe for the picking.
How about Never Ending Story by Lemurl ?
heh
My baboon died and I had midget pallbearers dressed in green at the funeral.
When my 4 year old nephew asked me why, I explained that this monkey’s gone to heaven by pixies
Oo, a bit laboured, SG. I have nothing to top it with, but I’ll critique from the sidelines nonetheless!
I try to think of some, but it seems I have an inbuilt safety device that says, no, stop, don’t do that.
I asked a gay lad for a loan of euro and he said no, the cheap pansy.
C’mon Jo, don’t you look at your latest offspring and think “what a chimp off the old block”
This is really bad…
Tang the chinese fella having a row with his mot….
Tang: Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t coming over?
Tang’s Mot: I did tell you
Tang: No you didn’t and I had a stir-fry ready for you.
Tang’s Mot: But I Rang You Tang
Jo – if it’s important enough, Richard Field on Management and Information Science will have something to help you.
http://www.business.ualberta.ca/rfield/Monkey%20Songs.htm
a message from Monkey Balls, perhaps
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-es0a1FjHsk&feature=related
this is what I was looking for but there’s no monkeys in it, sadly
meh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTjIKu5PukY
Wow, RL, that’s a resource and a half.
In a recent visit to Ireland Sarkozy denied he was a bully like his countryman Ape-oleon Baboon-aparte
Sorry
I was in a restaurant in Borneo the other day and couldn’t find anything on the menu that I fancied. I wanted some local meat so I asked the hippy waiter was there anything else and he told me to check out Monkey, man, by the specials.
Nah, can’t make it work. Sorry.
I was trying to get my car door open one day and this bloke came over, handed me a metal rod and said ‘You have to pry, mate’.
Would it have been a Fiat Panda ? I know how much you really care about endangered species.
Nah, Ford Capri.
Check this one out! Cool!
Good lord, maggot, you come with a topic related theme tune
We Real Cool Jo!
Hey Jo… Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring Banana phoooone
Elvis did a version, but the original is best! too much monkey business
Last night I came down to find a gorilla burgling our house and trying to make off with our family cutlery. ‘Put that silver back!’ I yelled.
Rhesus wept
After a massive increase in the Gorilla population causing overcrowding and scarcity of food, hunters were sent it to carry out a cull.
As they crept through the forest, ready to shoot, they saw some movement in the undergrowth. They cocked their rifles and with fingers on triggers, out came a shout…..
Hey hey! We’re the monkeys.
Tell Stinking Pete it was a girl fox and now he’s pregnant. Tell him th only way to get rid of it is by eating bananas, but not just one or two bananas, an ape portion.
With heartfelt apeologies.
I was trying to get my car door open one day and this bloke came over, handed me a metal rod and said ‘You have to pry, mate
or used a monkey wrench this shite will have you swinging of trees.