Belly laughs
Posted on | July 22, 2008 | 85 Comments
We were sitting in Ron’s last night, bored with the summer. It’s been a dull one all round. I keep thinking about starting a fight with someone, just for the want of something to do, but then I figure I’ve got better things to do. Maybe not so much better as less pointless.
Anyway, in came Stinking Pete, all excited.
“Jesus”, he said, “did you see out on the road there?”
“What?”, said Jimmy.
“There’s a dead fox. You don’t see too many of them round these parts”.
“Was it squashed, like it had been run over, or did it appear relatively injury free?”
“Looked to me like it had died of natural causes”.
“Is that so? How interesting”.
“Why is it so interesting”.
“Never mind”, said Jimmy, “you wouldn’t be into it anyway”.
“Into what?”
“Tell him, Twenty”.
“Eh?”
“Tell him what’s so interesting about a dead fox that hasn’t been run over and has died of natural causes”.
“Ahh, of course. Well …erm … you know the way you’re a bit worried that you’re getting thin on top, Pete?”
“Yeah?”
“They say that if you eat the stomach of a dead fox it’ll make your hair grow back really thick. But it only works if you find a fox that hasn’t been run over or shot and 98.6% of all foxes are killed that way”.
“Fuck off, you’re having me on. Right?”
“It’s true. Ask anyone”.
“You’re all messers. I’m going into the snug to ask old Charlie. He wouldn’t lie to me”.
So off he went and came out looking quite amazed. He then dashed out the door and came running back in carrying the dead fox. He slapped it down on the bar and asked Ron to give him a knife. Ron obliged and soon there was ginger fur and blood everywhere. It was like a Carrot Top abortion.
“Is that the stomach?”, he asked.
“No, that looks like a mangled kidney to me”.
“What about this?”
“No, liver”.
“This?”
“That just looks like a tumour”.
Eventually he found the stomach – which was oozing at both ends as he wolfed it down as quickly as he could, gagging between bites. Just then old Charlie passed by on his way to the toilet.
“So you ate it then?”
“Glorm”, Pete nodded.
“You know it won’t do anything to make your hair grow back, right?”
“What?! But you told me it would. I trusted you and you were just in on the joke with the rest of these fuckers”.
“I wasn’t in on it but if someone comes up to you and you have the chance to make them eat a dead fox’s stomach then you’d be a poor man to not make it happen”.
Pete wiped the blood from his face. Charlie continued into the jacks and had a piss.
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85 Responses to “Belly laughs”
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July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:07 am
Everybody knows it’s the testicles – the stomach is for fertility problems.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:11 am
Why would the stomach be for fertility?
Is that because the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?
Plastering a piece of skin to his head, held in place with its own drying goo might have been more effective.
Why has baldness not been reversed yet? What with all the boffins working so tirelessly?
Baldness and Star Trek style transporting, boffins, come the fuck on.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 3:17 am
Still not as funny as a combover, though.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 6:58 am
ah for fox sake
July 22nd, 2008 @ 8:06 am
if someone comes up to you and you have the chance to make them eat a dead fox’s stomach then you’d be a poor man to not make it happen
truer words never said.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 8:40 am
Theres’s a dead badger on the N11 , what parts of the badger cure what ailments.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 8:59 am
Does anyone remember a film with Hollly Hunter, maybe called Little Miss Firecracker?
It opens with a taciturn Hillbilly Tim Robbins, driving his pick up round the interstate, scooping up roadkill with a shovel and looking pissed off.
Why won’t the councils employ some local weirdos to do that here? Having built the roads without simple pipes underneath for animals to pass through, the least they can do is remove all the corpses thier ineptitude has generated.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:09 am
I love badgers.
http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:13 am
The N11 is a veritable feast:
Entree: Terrine of Tabby Cat
Main Course: Venison a la Pirelli
Sweet : Baked Badger Alaska
There are numerous hedgehog nibbles one can have before dinner.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:14 am
Eh, RedLeeroy, wtf?
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:15 am
Who’s allowed look at youtube? Have you seen the dramatic lemur?
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:18 am
holy shit, i have now seen the dramatic lemur. he stared into my soul.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:31 am
I was playing golf on Sunday and a fecking fox ran away with my golf ball on the 12th… I wonder is that what killed him?
Pete didn’t find a Titleist pro-V 1 with 3 green dots in his stomach sandwich by any chance?
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:32 am
You were quiet on the golf post, Tricia :)
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:34 am
man, i would not mess with that lemur
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:38 am
That Lemur is a cunt. I’d fucking take him and his fucking mates. Starey cunt.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:39 am
Leave Carrot Top out of this!
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:40 am
No you wouldn’t Twenty, you’d run away like his scaredy bitch and you know it.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:41 am
Leave Carrot Top out of this!
He’s a fucking cunt too.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:41 am
It’s a fucking lemur, Jo. Not an axe-weilding Lord of the Rings monster.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:43 am
You can’t say what hypnotic powers he has, Twenty. Look into his eyes, not round his eyes, look into his eyes. Now get him a beetle. You’d e his beetle butt-monkey in seconds. Seconds!
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:47 am
He is a ginger, and therefore exempt, don’t have me come over there.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:47 am
You would still shit it you townie cunt, the lemur could take you but probably wouldn’t bother , he would leave his mate the bushbaby to pummel your pampered arse.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:50 am
You would still shit it you townie cunt
Haha, yeah twenty, you pampered city boy.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:55 am
No lemur is a match for the ninja skills I learned in the Blackpitts.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:57 am
What if there were ten? I’m off to the zoo tomorrow, wold you like to come too too too and we’ll set up an ultimate lemur challenge. We’ll put you in a fruit suit and see who’s got the ninja skills then.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 9:59 am
Ninjas have swords. Skewered lemur all round.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 10:00 am
Robbing a spice burger does not make you a fucking Ninja.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 10:06 am
And wearing black pyjamas during the day does not make you look like a Ninja, just a scummer.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 10:15 am
“Why won’t the councils employ some local weirdos to do that here? ”
I think they do. But I was in Belfast a while back and saw a Meath registered Pick up truck with a fat sloppy guy and his son pull in on the M3 and scoop up road kill. So maybe he’s the guy with the contract for the whole island!! He probably makes a fortune.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 10:22 am
If the fox wasn’t run over, it probably just dies of rabies. And although it’s unlikely to help Pete’s hair loss, he’ll never have to buy shaving foam ever again.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 10:24 am
I started up my car once and there was a puff of fluff out of my air vents and a slight shudder from the engine. So I reversed back slowly to see a dead cat splayed on the ground. Poor thing was probably asleep in the engine.
So, not being a fan of holding warm just dead animals, I decided to return to the car park to the next day and retrieve it with a shovel.
There it was still splayed out but with the rigor mortis (had to google that) set in which foiled my plan of putting it the bin on the footpath. So I thought, hang on, why not just leave it at the side of the road like roadkill where the council will pick it up. So I did. Looked very convincing.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 10:27 am
Why won’t the councils employ some local weirdos to do that here?
Features in a wonderful book by Stuart MacBride – Cold Granite – set in Aberdeen – chap is known as “Roadkill”
But really Twenty – I met a Golden Tamarind who says he gave you a right hammering with an ashtray – so you would have no chance against a lemur.
Incidentally – Morgor looks a bit like a tamarind.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 10:38 am
are they a sort of nut?
July 22nd, 2008 @ 10:43 am
I think they are an orange, and although Twenty may be a townie, I think even he could take a fruit, however I think Maggot was referring to a Tamarin a squirrel sized monkey which in all fairness would take Twenty and his mates in a bar fight.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 10:45 am
Oh and Major, don’t think that going to the Zoo and shouting “come and have a go” at the ring tails will impress us, the wire fence is there for your protection.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 10:49 am
I once nutted a capuchin monkey. Normally not my style but we were both drunk and he started it.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 10:51 am
the zoo is a haven of violence, every animal in there is waiting for a chance to kick off.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 10:51 am
Excuse me!
Dolden Tamarind
July 22nd, 2008 @ 10:51 am
In fairness, ring tailed lemurs are very friendly. Not like the other mad eyed creature.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 10:53 am
Ah crap – stupid keyboard! Amyway, it is a Tamarind – and would eat twenty for breakfast.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 10:53 am
http://www.hensonrobinsonzoo.org/vrtourlb/vrimages/tamarin.jpg
heh
July 22nd, 2008 @ 11:00 am
I once nutted a capuchin monkey
They are provocative cunts
July 22nd, 2008 @ 11:05 am
They go all oikey with a few whiskeys on board…
Not my mate anymore, the humpy cunt
July 22nd, 2008 @ 11:15 am
SG – did you make a pass at him ? They hate anybody touching their nuts.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 11:19 am
He spent enough time touching his nuts himself.
Wally the Wanker we called him, even though his name was Derek.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 11:20 am
Hardly surpising he went ape if you called him Wally the Wanker.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 11:36 am
Monkey puns, eh…?
July 22nd, 2008 @ 11:44 am
Fuck off. Twenty will go ape…oops
July 22nd, 2008 @ 11:47 am
I knew a girl called Gertie the Gibbon. She liked to think of herself as an Urban Gorilla, but she wasn’t hard enough.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 11:52 am
A monkey stole my clothes one time. I rang the Gardai and asked them to keep an eye out for a primate wearing macaques.
Jesus…
July 22nd, 2008 @ 11:54 am
I was doing some DIY the other day. My missus offered to help by making holes in the skirting but I said Sorry, It’s a Mandrill so you can’t use it.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 11:58 am
Come on lads. If we start on the monkey puns, we’ll end up sounding completely proboscirous.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:05 pm
But they’re the puns that gibbon gibbon on
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:06 pm
You’re all hypocrites – you give Twenty shit for his horrible puns, but now here we go again.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:09 pm
Scared of making a howler Jo? Anyway this is revenge for all the times he has ambushed us with a bad pun in a cowardly fashion.. At least we give it a full frontal assualt.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:10 pm
Bring it on. There’s a wealth of 80s music ripe for the picking.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:10 pm
As Twenty once pointed out, there is a time and a place for everything – this is the time and the place for some hypocrisy!
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:13 pm
There’s a wealth of 80s music ripe for the picking.
How about Never Ending Story by Lemurl ?
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:15 pm
heh
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:20 pm
My baboon died and I had midget pallbearers dressed in green at the funeral.
When my 4 year old nephew asked me why, I explained that this monkey’s gone to heaven by pixies
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:24 pm
Oo, a bit laboured, SG. I have nothing to top it with, but I’ll critique from the sidelines nonetheless!
I try to think of some, but it seems I have an inbuilt safety device that says, no, stop, don’t do that.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:32 pm
I asked a gay lad for a loan of euro and he said no, the cheap pansy.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:34 pm
C’mon Jo, don’t you look at your latest offspring and think “what a chimp off the old block”
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:36 pm
This is really bad…
Tang the chinese fella having a row with his mot….
Tang: Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t coming over?
Tang’s Mot: I did tell you
Tang: No you didn’t and I had a stir-fry ready for you.
Tang’s Mot: But I Rang You Tang
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:36 pm
Jo – if it’s important enough, Richard Field on Management and Information Science will have something to help you.
http://www.business.ualberta.ca/rfield/Monkey%20Songs.htm
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:37 pm
a message from Monkey Balls, perhaps
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-es0a1FjHsk&feature=related
this is what I was looking for but there’s no monkeys in it, sadly
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:40 pm
meh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTjIKu5PukY
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:42 pm
Wow, RL, that’s a resource and a half.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:55 pm
In a recent visit to Ireland Sarkozy denied he was a bully like his countryman Ape-oleon Baboon-aparte
Sorry
July 22nd, 2008 @ 12:59 pm
I was in a restaurant in Borneo the other day and couldn’t find anything on the menu that I fancied. I wanted some local meat so I asked the hippy waiter was there anything else and he told me to check out Monkey, man, by the specials.
Nah, can’t make it work. Sorry.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 1:01 pm
I was trying to get my car door open one day and this bloke came over, handed me a metal rod and said ‘You have to pry, mate’.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 1:06 pm
Would it have been a Fiat Panda ? I know how much you really care about endangered species.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 1:10 pm
Nah, Ford Capri.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 1:11 pm
Check this one out! Cool!
July 22nd, 2008 @ 1:16 pm
Good lord, maggot, you come with a topic related theme tune
July 22nd, 2008 @ 1:19 pm
We Real Cool Jo!
July 22nd, 2008 @ 1:20 pm
Hey Jo… Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring Banana phoooone
July 22nd, 2008 @ 1:23 pm
Elvis did a version, but the original is best! too much monkey business
July 22nd, 2008 @ 1:49 pm
Last night I came down to find a gorilla burgling our house and trying to make off with our family cutlery. ‘Put that silver back!’ I yelled.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 1:50 pm
Rhesus wept
July 22nd, 2008 @ 2:30 pm
After a massive increase in the Gorilla population causing overcrowding and scarcity of food, hunters were sent it to carry out a cull.
As they crept through the forest, ready to shoot, they saw some movement in the undergrowth. They cocked their rifles and with fingers on triggers, out came a shout…..
Hey hey! We’re the monkeys.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 3:10 pm
Tell Stinking Pete it was a girl fox and now he’s pregnant. Tell him th only way to get rid of it is by eating bananas, but not just one or two bananas, an ape portion.
July 22nd, 2008 @ 3:10 pm
With heartfelt apeologies.
July 23rd, 2008 @ 2:44 am
I was trying to get my car door open one day and this bloke came over, handed me a metal rod and said ‘You have to pry, mate
or used a monkey wrench this shite will have you swinging of trees.