Stinking Pete and his Mizunos
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on July 21st, 2008
Stinking Pete, despite his various handicaps, is quite the sportsman. Well, sports sounds a bit wrong. He was only ever good at one sport, golf.
His father was a keen player, a scratch golfer in in time of wooden clubs, feathery balls and a complete lack of motorised trollies. He doesn’t play any more though after a series of accidents suggested to him that he might be better off giving the game up.
Accident 1 - When trying to teach Dirty Dave how to play, his malodorous friend failed to hear Pete telling him to hang on and caught Dave’s 7-iron backswing right underneath his jaw, causing a large cut which required aroun 12 stitches. He didn’t get the stitches though and just put a cloth plaster over it which crusted up, got infected and is the reason for the large scar he sports to this day.
Accident 2 - Playing the 10th hole at Corballis his hooked his drive left. That meant he sent it in the direction of the 9th green which was unfortunate for the one-eyed man who had just finished putting out. He stood up and got the ball straight in his good eye, knocking it clean out of his head and danging from his socket on a stalk. Despite the best efforts of doctors the eye could not be saved and the one-eyed man was now the no-eyed man and unable to adapt to life in the dark he killed himself by leaping in front of a DART at Connolly Station.
Accident 3 - One day he found himself playing a round with Red Hurley, the renowned cabaret singer. They were playing in Howth Golf Club, right at the very top of Howth Head. Now very aware of safety on the golf course he was astonished at Hurley’s devil-may-care attitude to walking ahead of the man playing his shot and his complete reluctance to cower behind his golf bag when someone far away cried ‘fore’. When the inevitable happened and a ball came flying towards Red, Stinking Pete leapt into action pushing him out of the way. Unfortunately he pushed him so hard and the hill was so steep that he rolled all the way to Sutton Cross, his body ruined with broken limbs and lost skin and a large piece of briar that somehow got lodged up his anal passage, the removal of which caused the kind of damage a hand grenade might do.
Accident 4 - The 2nd hole at Royal Dublin the night after a huge night out. Waiting to putt out he lifted his leg slightly to fart and unleashed a torrent of liquid poo down the inside of his legs. He said the next 16 holes were the most uncomfortable of his life.
It was that final one that convinced him to give up the game. The hours spent trying to chisel off the dried up Guinness and chips and battered sausage from his legs when he got home meant his love affair with the game was over.
‘I bet that never happened to Padraig Harrington’, he said yesterday as he learned of the Irishman’s win in the Open.
I didn’t have to the heart to tell him I knew differently.
is this a true story twenty?
July 21st, 2008 at 8:50 am
Padraig Harrington is known firstly for his legendary incontinence.
Only secondly for his golfing skills.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:55 am
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Hee. My mother in law is a keen golfer. I wonder if she’d appreciate this?
July 21st, 2008 at 8:56 am
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I have a number of issues with Golf
1) I am shit at it: on my last outing I knocked a crow out of a tree, disturbed a moorhen and her chicks and bounced the ball onto the little patio bit outside the club house scattering numerous golfers
2)I have to listen to cunts going on and on about it at work , worse when it’s on TV.
3) It’s not a fucking sport, never will be, at best it’s a game , but probably more of a pastime.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:02 am
3
adult nappies. Comfort and hope for all.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:21 am
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the only way to make golf interesting is the use of random landmines. the only amusing thing about the cunting hobby is robin williams’ sketch on how it was thought up:
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/870700/robin_williams_golf/
July 21st, 2008 at 9:24 am
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Game for Cunts. I disapprove.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:41 am
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adult nappies. Comfort and hope for all.
And they’re so figure hugging these days.
Way too early in the morning to even think about listening to Robin Williams, the zany cunt.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:44 am
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I think people play golf for the opportunity to wear ridiculous clothes.
It’s sort of a game they play i suspect, dress in the most outlandish colours and designs and try to catch people laughing at them while pretending to take it all seriously.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:50 am
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Street golf is the only way to go, top of south William St, 9 iron, 3am in the morning. forrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeee
July 21st, 2008 at 10:05 am
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You’d cause much more damage in the afternoon.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:21 am
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any you get more excercise running from gardai.
I taught a group of kids who didn’t consider it a good night out unless they got a chase off a guard.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:29 am
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Shame on you Jo, you should be teaching kids to respect the law!!!
July 21st, 2008 at 10:31 am
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yeah afternoon street golf could be good, you would get more granny fodder, but there is nothing better than launching a few golf balls at a hen or a stag. Instant aggression generator.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:34 am
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RedLeeroy - those are the words of a crazed bogger, methinks.
PP, it’s not like I was giving them tips, or anything.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:37 am
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Our Jo is a bit of a Marlon Brando at heart PP.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:37 am
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Or Fagin from Oliver..
July 21st, 2008 at 10:44 am
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What?? You see me as tutoring groups of urchins in a life of crime?
July 21st, 2008 at 10:54 am
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Fagin. Sheesh!
July 21st, 2008 at 10:54 am
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“You got to pick a pocket or two-ooo…”
July 21st, 2008 at 11:02 am
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Jo, you are ina brilliant position as a “Crime Lord” no-one could possibly suspect you. With your new mini-bus full of pick pockets you must be making a tidy profit
July 21st, 2008 at 11:03 am
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Robin Hood, what a crook!
Gave away, what he took.
Charity’s fine, subscribe to mine.
Get out and pick-a-pocket or two
You’ve got to pick-a-pocket or two, boys
You’ve got to pick-a-pocket or two.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:04 am
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Fagin with bosoms - it’s such a shame that Russ Meyer is dead.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:05 am
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Russ Abbot is still alive though.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:06 am
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There’s an idea for Book III Twenty - Oliver Twisted
July 21st, 2008 at 11:07 am
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Russ Abbot is still alive though.
Don’t rub it in.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:09 am
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Got to get Book II done first, maggot.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:09 am
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How about the story of your grubby friend’s childhood for book II - David CopperArse ?
July 21st, 2008 at 11:13 am
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At least that cunt Abbott is not on TV anymore, man was an absolute fanny of the highest order. In fact there was a whole generation of shit “comics” that is something we can never reminisce over fondly.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:13 am
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So THAT’S why they used to wear knickerbockers while playing golf. So they would never have to change the name of the green to the brown.
It also explains why most golfers dress in second-hand clothes from Oxfam. I mean why ruin a decent pair of pants with a substance-laden trouser cough while on the driving range when you can just wear a pair of salmon-coloured polyester slacks that you got for 3 Euros at a garage sale and toss them in the clubhouse dumpster after the game?
July 21st, 2008 at 11:14 am
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Russ Abbot is still alive though.
He is alright… two secs…
Now he’s not….i have to leave quickly.anybody want to supply me with an alibi?
July 21st, 2008 at 11:14 am
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Jasper Carrot, Jimmmy Tarbuck, Little and Large, The Smothers brothers - how we suffered.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:16 am
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At least that cunt Abbott is not on TV anymore, man was an absolute fanny of the highest order.
Apart from his highly realistic portrayal of the Scots I have to agree with you.
Lung - you say that like there’s something wrong with salmon-coloured slacks.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:16 am
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Oh come on! No way is Jo Fagen. Only real orgasms for her.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:17 am
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hah
July 21st, 2008 at 11:17 am
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anybody want to supply me with an alibi?
Sure, I saw you outside a school in dundalk selling crack to teenagers.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:21 am
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hole in one , a piece of piss. Buying a round in the clubhouse for all the cunts you don’t like fucking painful.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:22 am
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dr phil’s wife is the weirdest looking thing I’ve ever seen.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:23 am
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Sure, I saw you outside a school in dundalk selling crack to teenagers.
Thanks Morgor..
Better selling crack than gettin ridden up the crack in a prison shower
July 21st, 2008 at 11:38 am
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I wish I could tell you that Fill3rup fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:11 pm
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And for years I thought all you Irish looked like Jimmy Cricket, and then I moved here and found out it was only people from Roscommon…
July 21st, 2008 at 12:19 pm
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He was a fool to go in that greenhouse Red.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:20 pm
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SCUUUUUUUMMMMM
July 21st, 2008 at 12:24 pm
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I’m The Daddy Now!!
July 21st, 2008 at 12:26 pm
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This site has discerning contributors!
July 21st, 2008 at 12:32 pm
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just have to say that i think barry egan is a complete tosser, and should be taken out of everyones misery
July 21st, 2008 at 1:15 pm
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Unfortunatly he was last seen crawling up Bertie Ahern’s arse…so I wont be taking that job thank you very much…
July 21st, 2008 at 1:16 pm
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Hee, Lung the Y.
B’dum, I think Dr P and his wife have had Eye Jobs - that’s what Sharon Osbourne said anyway.
July 21st, 2008 at 1:26 pm
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An eye job, is that like a blow job only you…nope need to get away from that line of thought. Sharon Osbourne has had numerous jobs in and around her face, so she would be well placed to make comment.
July 21st, 2008 at 1:30 pm
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Is an eye job when a pirate takes off his patch and winks you off?
July 21st, 2008 at 1:43 pm
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Same eye-job topic but with a political bent:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w056fHqGh0Y
July 21st, 2008 at 2:01 pm
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Was it not the great Mark Twain who when asked his opinion on golf said it was : ‘a good walk ruined.’ By the way, the eye job jokes are getting cornea and cornea.
July 21st, 2008 at 2:19 pm
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Anyone ever heard that story of a bloke who shat in golf course holes? I think it was in England and he was caught in the act one night as they laid in wait for him. Literally caught with his pants doing a hole in one.
July 21st, 2008 at 2:23 pm
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Holemaster, it must have come as one hellova surprise to the golpher who reached in for his ball to come up with a handful of shit. Unless he was a politician.
July 21st, 2008 at 4:25 pm
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I think that was the idea, he must have some major grudge going on.
July 21st, 2008 at 4:31 pm
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Was it you, Holemaster?
PP, Sharon was talking about Dr P’s comments on plastic surgery, she was suggesting he was being hypocritical. She’s been perfectly candid about all her operations.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:19 pm
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“…devil-may-care attitude…”
I may have cared but, as it happens, I didn’t. Fuck ‘im…
DK
P.S. I still haven’t got an iPhone and you are still an iPhone-owning cunt, Twenty…
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:31 am
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