It heals all wounds
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on July 18th, 2008
*bring bring*
“Hello?”
“Twenty, it’s me. Dirty Dave. I’m in big trouble”.
“What’s up?”
“I just killed a man”.
“What?”
“Seriously. I think I killed a man”.
“You think? How?”
“Well, I was walking down Hatch Street and he was coming towards me and I just couldn’t help myself”.
“What did you do?”
“I tripped him up”.
“You tripped him up?”
“Yeah. It was like I had no power over my own actions, my leg went out, he went stumbling and hit his forehead on the corner of a pillar by some steps going into some building. There was this almightly clonking sound, like a coconut shell being hit by someone playing a cowbell, and he fell on the ground and then all this blood started coming out”.
“What did you do?”
“Well, I did what any good citizen would do. I ran off”.
“And did anyone else see you?”
“No”.
“Well then you’re all right”.
“I just can’t help feeling a bit bad though. Why didn’t I just keep my feet to myself? If I hadn’t tripped him up he’d be alive. Now his family will be distraught, his kids will be left without a father, his wife in pieces, his dog will run to the front door every evening at 5.45 like he always did but the man will never come back and all for what? Because I couldn’t resist tripping him up. I swear the guilt is eating me up. His face will haunt me, I’ll never forget that sound, and it was almost like a movie the way the blood spread from the wound on his head and I remember seeing the reflection of the clouds in it as it moved across the pavement. The shame is burning me. Oh God, what have I done?”
“Ahh, you’ll get over it in time”.
“You’re right, thanks Twenty! See you for pints later”.
*click*
pints!…..that reminds me….tappetytappety
July 18th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
You’re terrible, Twenty Major. You’re not like dream-Twenty at all.
July 18th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
1
oh by the way, apologies to whoever owns the car i took chunks out of in the tesco carpark last week.
It was an accident and i was hungover.
July 18th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
2
Oh, I remember now. This is a very masculine approach to guilt.
My brother had some misfortune or other befall him - oh yeah, some scumbag randomly punched him in the face on his way off a bus once while my brother was listening to the Floyd in a stoned haze…
I told his best mate about it, and agreed it was awful, then after a pause said, ’still, rather him than me!’
July 18th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
3
Id rather anyone got punched than me. Except Michelle Ryan possibly Shes delish.
July 18th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
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It’s funny how things you originally feel guilty over, just make you laugh in the end. And sometimes vice versa.
July 18th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
5
WEll, that’s one way to look at it. But it doesn’t quite compute that when someone gets punched, your only response is to be happy it wasn’t you - why would it have been you? Why not just be sympathetic intead of rejoicing?
You’re an odd bunch. You… men….
July 18th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
6
Oo, tell us more of your evil secrets, morgor.
July 18th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
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Someone has been reading too much FHM in a darkened room.
July 18th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
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I’m never truly happy it’s someone else unless it’s some I don’t like, then I’m fucking chuffed.
July 18th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
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men are weird? Ive just read a bit of your blog Jo.
July 18th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
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Not, that I condone violence (except in certain circumstances) but in defense of the assaulter, your brother was listening to Pink Floyd, something which does deserve battering once in a while to return one to normality.
July 18th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
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Off topic, but just read the story of the sheep shagger on BBC and it confirmed that this CSI bollocks is not as glamourous as they would have you think:
“It is understood the man was traced after forensic scientists identified DNA recovered from a pair of jogging bottoms found at the scene. “
July 18th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
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But it doesn’t quite compute that when someone gets punched, your only response is to be happy it wasn’t you - why would it have been you? Why not just be sympathetic intead of rejoicing?
I wouldn’t be happy unless it was done in an amusing way.
Something like “Drunken clown uppercuts Paris Hilton”
or
“80 year old grandmother kills would-be burglar”
July 18th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
13
There’s a song there somewhere…
Twenty just killed a man
On Hatch Street put out my leg
Tripped him up and now hes dead
Twenty, life had just begun
but now I’ve gone and thrown it all away..
July 18th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
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Dirty Dave, Dirty Dave, can you do the fandango?!
July 18th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
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Stinking Pete Shite-ing, very very frightening!
July 18th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
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Drinking White Lightning
Very Very Frightning
July 18th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
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dang :(
July 18th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
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too slow asshole. too slow.
*blows smoke from his fingertips*
July 18th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
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ill get you morgor…maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.
Possibly next Tuesday. Are you free?
July 18th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
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I can pencil you in monday afternoon.
Time is precious for a man with lyrical genius like me.
July 18th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
21
A lyrical terrorist.
July 18th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
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CCTV man, CCTV.
July 18th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
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judging by morgor’s avatar, he’s been waxing lyrical
and in true monty python fashion, now for something completely different
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Even_Dwarfs_Started_Small
July 18th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
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was going to post a link to the wikipedia entry on a film featuring cannibalistic chickens, food fights, monkey crucifixion, torching of flower pots and institutionalized dwarves rebelling against their guards, but blog won’t let me so i’m going to sulk instead
July 18th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
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Caught in the spam queue for some reason…
July 18th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
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*stops sulking*
is called “Even Dwarfs Start Small” and is available on amazon for dwarf lovers everywhere
July 18th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
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Dwarves are cunts
July 18th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
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knew you would appreciate that. not so much lord of the flies as lord of the midge(t)s
July 18th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
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I would outlaw midgets and dwarves if I was in charge.
July 18th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
30
Dwarves and Midgets are excellent, a must have accessory for the wealthy socialite
July 18th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
31
They are portable,highly versatile, and can be used for many purposes, much like a leatherman but more useful.
July 18th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
32
If dwarves were outlawed what would we use for dwarve tossing contests?
July 18th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
33
Orphans.
July 18th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
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They prefer to be called Little People…..
July 18th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
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how many dwarfs would constitute a fair fight versus one large person? would it depend on their visciousness ?
July 18th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
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I prefer to be called
July 18th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
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Were you inferring that women are weird, because you find my blog weird, Ibanez? That’s interesting :)
Is that really true about the sheepshagger and forensic evidence PP? Please, say it is!
July 18th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
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no implying you are weird. you big weirdo
July 18th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
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how many dwarfs would constitute a fair fight versus one large person? would it depend on their visciousness ?
See they’d be like a swarn. Grabbing your legs and stuff while the others clambered up to gouge your eyes out.
Dirty fighting litle cunts
July 18th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
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Anyway, I always carry dwarf repellent with me.
July 18th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
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Twenty’s just creating a market of fear so he can sell his patented ‘Dwarfbegone’ dwarf repellent.
He also does a good Damien Rice Treatment shampooo.
July 18th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
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20- Repells midges and midgets ?
July 18th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
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Dunno about dwarves but there is an app on myspace that tell you how many 5 yr old you could take in
July 18th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
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…a fight.. depressingly all i can manage apparently is 21… pass the razorblades..
July 18th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
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Five year olds fight dirty
http://infantasia.blogspot.com/search?q=pirate+privates
July 18th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
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Twenty’s just creating a market of fear so he can sell his patented ‘Dwarfbegone’ dwarf repellent.
I have no room for fear of dwarves - I’m on the run from nonny.
July 18th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
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On the run from Nonny?
Why so, Maggot?
July 18th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
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See the previous thread Medbh. She took offence at an innocent question.
July 18th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
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Damn, there’s that crinkling again.
July 18th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
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It’s your polyurethane pants, Holemaster. When will you learn!
July 18th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
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Very true Jo, check out BBC news , not sure how to put a link in post. Next time some English Cunt calls a Welshman or Scot a sheepshagger I will produce this documentary evidence that in fact the English are at it.
July 18th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
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There was indeed an act of gross indecency or a “rural passion for wool” committed in London with some sheep allegedly both dead and alive so this is necrophillic bestiality we are talking about.
England was the location - the name, age and origin of this lewd lover of ewes has still to be confirmed…
Current odds on birthplace of the perpetrator..
8/1 New Zealand - south island
7/1 Western Australia
4/1 England
3/1 Scotland / Wales
2/1 Cavan
More than one vertically challenged midget in a room is called “a shortage of dwarves”
July 18th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
53
Funny, papalmour :)
Leaving your shit smeared trousers at the scene for the police to find - did he run home bare arsed? Sheepus interruptus? I’ll go find it now.
PP, I can’t remember the code for embedding a link, it’s to long for my feeble female brain, but if you just copy and paste the address it links itself. Twenty’s got smart-comments.
July 19th, 2008 at 12:44 am
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Quelle nutbag!
Man held over bestiality claims
A man has been arrested in south-east London after allegedly having sex with sheep at a farm.
The 27-year-old was arrested during a raid on Thursday morning at his home in Dulwich, south-east London, on suspicion of bestiality.
It follows several complaints about a man molesting sheep in Botany Bay Lane, Chislehurst, in May and June.
A Metropolitan Police spokesman said the man was also held on suspicion of drugs possession with intent to supply.
Witnesses reported a man sexually assaulting sheep before running off, often leaving clothing at the scene.
It is understood the man was traced after forensic scientists identified DNA recovered from a pair of jogging bottoms found at the scene.
Two sheep were found dead in the field during the period of the attacks but it is not known if their deaths were linked.
Police are also investigating reports that the suspect took photographs of the animals before the attacks.
The crime of bestiality carries a maximum prison sentence of two years.
July 19th, 2008 at 12:47 am
55
“Two sheep were found dead in the field during the period of the attacks but it is not known if their deaths were linked.”
Were the dead sheep known to each other?
July 19th, 2008 at 1:13 am
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<!–
Twenty major
–>
PP leave out the first and third line, and put the address in between the speech marks
July 19th, 2008 at 2:38 am
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forget it. it didnt work..
July 19th, 2008 at 2:38 am
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I had a conversation with a cop last year about a family of rogue dwarves he had living in the town where he had been working.
He had been after one of them who’d allegedly committed some type of crime and he said to me, ‘Yeah I caught him in the end, it was quite difficult. Ever tried to get a dwarf out of a hedge?’
This particular dwarf went on to rob the bank. True story. (Not only was he very short, he was also not that bright.)
I thought that would be one reality show I would watch, ‘The Rogue Dwarfs.’
And my other dwarf story - a friend of mine worked on the film Willow - lots of dwarves employed. I remember him saying that if they were standing behind you in the queue to get to the bar - they would punch you in the kidneys so you would let them through.
July 19th, 2008 at 6:03 am
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D.D. seems to have the makings of an Taoiseach.
July 19th, 2008 at 7:49 am
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anyone who wants to do a html link
can see how here
You’ll have to put in the whole http link though as it’s not a link to a twentymajor page.
July 19th, 2008 at 10:49 am
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Ducks
July 19th, 2008 at 10:58 am
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Cheers Morgor, btw the English Police have your joggers locked up for evidence, don’t worry we will never give you up,you’re secret is safe with us. Although if the reward was right….
July 19th, 2008 at 10:58 am
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Jesus Morgor - what are you doing encouraging Jo on Infantasia? Wimmin going on about periods is about as exciting as blokes going on about farts and skidmarks.
And won’t she be laughing on the other side of her face when she dries up ( blog wise) after the menopause ?
July 19th, 2008 at 11:34 am
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“Police are also investigating reports that the suspect took photographs of the animals before the attacks.”
Now that’s funny.
Maybe that guy was a ram in a former life and still had the eye for the yew.
July 19th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
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Like my old pet….
http://www.freefoto.com/images/01/08/01_08_52—Duck_web.jpg
July 19th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
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That is one handsome duck Hm
July 19th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
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He was indeed, he fell in love with my mother after she rescued him from some netting around the vegetables.
July 19th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
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the English Police have your joggers locked up for evidence
I smeared some of your faeces around the arse of those pants and Monkeyballs pissed on them too, so the police are gonna find it tough. (especially with maggots real name and address written on the tag)
Wimmin going on about periods is about as exciting as blokes going on about farts and skidmarks.
I’m going to get Jo to fill mooncup and throw it in your face.
July 19th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
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*goes to jo’s blog to found out what a mooncup is but having a feeling he knows already*
AAHHH!
July 19th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
70
Wimmin going on about periods is about as exciting as blokes going on about farts and skidmarks.
I don’t understand your problem then?
Mooncup though. Why?
July 19th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
71
especially with maggots real name and address written on the tag
Currying favour with nonny, you swine!
July 19th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
72
- a friend of mine worked on the film Willow - lots of dwarves employed. I remember him saying that if they were standing behind you in the queue to get to the bar - they would punch you in the kidneys so you would let them through.
Fucking evil little cunts - and you’d be frowned upon for beating them to death back.
July 19th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
73
Twenty - it’s a twisting of the truth that annoys me - instead of just admitting their overall inferiority wimmin try to pretend that having periods makes them somehow superior to us - and try to get special treatment! Do we get any recognition, let alone special treatment, for our hormonally liked problems ? No chance.
Job interview - if a bloke told that a quarter of the time he was too hungover to work properly and another quarter he was a bit under the weather, would he get the job ? No chance. But it’s illegal to refuse a job to a woman because she’s regularly incapacitated. Damned unfair.
July 19th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
74
Fucking evil little cunts
sister maggot has a theory that it is sloping foreheads that you don’t like - Dolphins, Owls and dwarves - all have slopy foreheads, all cunts.
July 19th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
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That’s some fine generalising there, maggot.
July 19th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
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Yep, not all dolphins are cunts
July 19th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
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Don’t be silly now…
July 19th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
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Just for you Twenty
July 19th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
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I’ve never missed any work because of my period.
Why a mooncup? Saves the waste/no-biodegradablilty of pads and the putting of bleached tampons up yourself. And hence is waaay cheaper. Women’s sanitary items are classed as ‘luxury items’ along with ocndoms in our fair country.
I know the name mooncup is hippy-wankery alright, but it’s accurate enough, really.
July 19th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
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Oh, I thought it was for collecting the blood for rituals of some kind.
July 19th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
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Well, I don’t talk about that so openly…
July 19th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
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Do you know that Huntington Castle in Wexford has a Temple of Isis in the basement?
And I think there’s an existing group of worshippers? A friend did an article on it.
July 19th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
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‘(especially with maggots real name and address written on the tag)’
Maggot will be most hurt- he bravely & single-handedly rescued a sheep from drowning 3 years ago(he assured me it was a total stranger).
Serves him right for his comments on wimmin.
July 19th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
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