Press release – Department of Health
Posted on | July 8, 2008 | 39 Comments
PRESS RELEASE
From: Department of Health
To: All media outlets
Date: Embargoed until 16.45pm, July 8th 2008
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In light of the recent economic downturn and the budget overrun by the HSE, the Department of Health would like to announce small changes to legislation in order to make the health service more efficient.
As and from July 31st 2008 it will be illegal to be sick in any way. This covers a broad range of the population and will include disease, both contagious and congenital, pains, aches, accidents, acts of God (such as tumours, brain haemorrhages, aneurysms or twisted testicles), shootings, stabbings, scaldings, burns, sprains, sports injuries, whiplash, colds, flu, heart attacks, cancers of all kinds, dental problems, verucas, corns, bunions and, of course, obesity related illnesses.
Anybody who attempts to visit a hospital or doctor for treatment after July 31st will be arrested and sent, without trial, to a new holding facility in Offaly. In fact, the holding facility is Offaly and a large wall will be built around the county at once to faciliate the incarceration of those people and to give a timely boost to the construction industry which is also suffering from the economic strife.
For those currently ill and undergoing treatment an amnesty of 3 months will be granted, during which time they may receive appropriate medical care for their particular ailment. Should they not improve within this time frame then they’re unlikely to prove cost-effective patients and will be removed to the Offaly Centre for the Inconveniently Infirm.
The Department of Health believes that such action is necessary to safeguard the future of the health service and to enable the HSE to continue to pay the thousands of administrators it needs to provide the top class buraucracy that has been its trademark in recent years.
We feel that prevention of treatment of illness is the only possible way to balance the books. Once a reasonable budget surplus has been achieved then transportation of those left alive in the OCII to various hospitals around the country will begin. The Department of Health reserves the right to refuse admission based on a number of factors including, but not limited to, progession of illness, stench of doom emanating from patient, age, weight, colour, race, gender and creed.
Once the readmission process is underway it will be necessary for everybody in the country to become registered members of their nearest hospital. New members must be proposed and seconded by existing members and the annual membership fee of €1,299 paid in full. This entitles the member to the right to queue in a line in which it will be decided if they are eligible to queue for treatment. Non-members will be refused admittance and sent at once to Offaly.
Better healthcare for the people of Ireland is our utmost concern. If some have to die along the way then unfortunately that’s the way it must be. The laws of natural attrition are beyond our control.
For more details please contact the Department of Health by telephone: + 353 1 635 3000 or email: info@health.gov.ie
End.
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39 Responses to “Press release – Department of Health”
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July 8th, 2008 @ 2:07 pm
cunts
July 8th, 2008 @ 2:07 pm
Major, Have you been doctoring(no pun intended) HSE press releases… I mean it all seemed fairly believable, until near the end it said
Better healthcare for the people of Ireland is our utmost concern.
July 8th, 2008 @ 2:11 pm
PAB Travel will be offering great value package deals for sick and infirm to EU countries.
Varicose Vein removal in France with a three night stay only €4300
Heart and Lung transplant with two weeks full board in Finland just €64000 (includes white water rafting)
Hip replacement Special Offer with free Botox injection – Now only €22,000 in Rome.
Get Sick Today!
July 8th, 2008 @ 2:16 pm
I’m running a two week only offer for those who want to come and exchange bodily fluids with me before July 31st.
I’m disease ridden, and will offer the possibility of infection to anyone wanting to get sick before the amnesty deadline.
20 euro a sloppy kiss, 150 to get serviced in the body cavity of your choice.
July 8th, 2008 @ 2:24 pm
Is this true? Brilliant – how come nobody told me?
July 8th, 2008 @ 2:28 pm
The HSE was set up prepare our health services for sale and nothing else.
So instead of getting the investors to do all the dirty nasty work like streamlining and improving efficiency, the tax payers are forking out for this to be done so cunts like Denis O’Brien and Dermot Desmond can waltz in and bid on a nice clean pared down health industry and make billions out of us. Desmond is already involved in Health just you wait and see the queue of other cunts waiting in line for a piece of the pie.
It’s the new Property! we’ll be used as testing ground for those interested in the bigger opportunity – the UK.
That’s what you get for low taxes folks, you can’t have both.
July 8th, 2008 @ 2:29 pm
God never closes one door but he opens another, and I can see it now, ‘Dr. Scawgeen’s House of Healing’ (the quack who heals backs) there’s money to be made in them there ‘ills.
July 8th, 2008 @ 2:46 pm
I can just picture a batallion of HSE nurses manning the machine gun nests on the walls around Offaly and I have to admit, I’m finding the image quite kinky.
July 8th, 2008 @ 2:49 pm
And turning Offaly into an open air leper collony can only be an improvement.
July 8th, 2008 @ 3:29 pm
You seem to have left out the paragraph on maternity services.
Which will become increasingly underresourced and overcrowded. It will become mandatory to give birth in lifts or corridors, as beds will be unavailable. More people will pay privately for this oportunity, but may be afforded a wheelchair.
Mothers will be ignored, villified and condescended to. Findings about birth safety in other countries will continue to be ignored.
Despite overcrowding, the HSE will continue aggressively to decrease the availablity of homebirth, further crowding the maternity hospitals, and instead artificially speeding up labours, leading to more Caesarean Sections and less breastfeeding (which they will continue to ‘promote’, ie, pay lip service to but fail to support, making women feel both inadequate and resentful).
July 8th, 2008 @ 3:40 pm
Hey, Lung, your blog just popped up, it’s great. Have you read metrodad?
July 8th, 2008 @ 3:52 pm
Thanks Jo. No I’m not familiar with Metrodad but following your recommendation, I shall wing my way to that blog as fast as my love handles can carry me.
July 8th, 2008 @ 3:59 pm
I was expecting the email link to go to meatspin or something.
July 8th, 2008 @ 4:14 pm
According to Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan in a press statement today:
“Surplus staff in the Health Service Executive will also be dealt with.”
I wonder if this means the re-introduction of gas chambers ?
July 8th, 2008 @ 4:31 pm
““Surplus staff in the Health Service Executive will also be dealt with.””
They have a great way with words.
July 8th, 2008 @ 4:36 pm
Perhaps Soylent Green will be the answer. ‘Soylent Green is Surplus HSE Staff!’
July 8th, 2008 @ 5:13 pm
“You seem to have left out the paragraph on maternity services.”
That’s because there isn’t one, Jo. Having babies is not an illness, and therefore the Dept of Health will have nothing to do with it at all. As a small concession during the transision period pregnant women will be given a list of movies in which women give birth in hilarious situations and locations, and will be otld to regard these as training videos.
They will be expected to provide their own hot water and towels, and also their own token-man-who-faints as-soon-as-the-whole-thing-starts.
July 8th, 2008 @ 5:16 pm
does this cover or affect fish in anyway?
July 8th, 2008 @ 5:17 pm
The paragraph that you have left out, though, Twenty, is the one where the HSE assures the skangers that they will still be able to apply to have their rent paid, and to have their 59-inch TV upgraded to a 97-inch one if the feelings of inadequacy are making them depressed.
July 8th, 2008 @ 5:20 pm
does this cover or affect fish in anyway?
Course not, Sid, you couldn’t put fish in Offaly, because of the smell.
I’m just gonna leave that sentence there….
July 8th, 2008 @ 6:11 pm
Fizzlesticks.
I just wanted to type that for some reason.
July 8th, 2008 @ 6:15 pm
Bring them back, I say, Holemaster.
Our local sweet shop owner, Seamus, used to give us an extra one for the donkey, god help it.
July 8th, 2008 @ 6:16 pm
Every time I say anything now, I have a horrible feeling I’ve said it before, and forgotten. I may have nothing more to offer. If this is the case, my apologies.
July 8th, 2008 @ 6:29 pm
“I may have nothing more to offer. If this is the case, my apologies.”
You have everything to offer Jo.
I forgot what fizzlesticks were actually. They were great.
Our local shopkeeper had really fat fingers and tiny nails so he was driven mad with our pennies trying to pick them up.
July 8th, 2008 @ 6:36 pm
He should have got a sucker arrow on a string.
I sould set up a consultancy offering solutions like that. I’m innovative, me.
July 8th, 2008 @ 6:53 pm
So they’re still covering the sex-changes then.
Soooper.
July 8th, 2008 @ 7:06 pm
Long to go?
July 8th, 2008 @ 7:26 pm
I bags HQ’s mickey. I need a spare.
July 8th, 2008 @ 7:26 pm
Mickey
heh
July 8th, 2008 @ 8:02 pm
In the new incarnation of Mickey Mouse, they go play in Mickey Park.
They also sing a chorus of ‘Shake shake shake your peanut’, while doing a little synchronised pelvis thrusting dance.
Children’s programmes eh? It might as well be the Animated Cottaging Adventres of George Michael.
July 8th, 2008 @ 8:35 pm
Ha, Dragnet’s on. Amel Muzz. Best name ever.
July 8th, 2008 @ 9:17 pm
A week from today.
@Holemaster
It’s (almost) all yours.Where should I send the er…package?
July 8th, 2008 @ 9:45 pm
I actually ‘bought’ that ‘Animated Cottaging Adventures of George Michael’ DVD thing, thinking that I might get a laugh out of it.
Imagine my disappointed face, when I realised it was a fuckin’ cartoon?
Does the word ‘animated have another meaning now or something? Eh?
July 8th, 2008 @ 9:53 pm
HQ just leave it in Amy Winehouse, bound to pick it up sometime soon.
July 8th, 2008 @ 10:02 pm
Holemaster, I’m waiting for your blog. I’m sure there’s one there somewhere.
July 8th, 2008 @ 10:13 pm
Some day Jo, some day.
July 8th, 2008 @ 11:28 pm
cottaging..sounds like a family game…no?
July 9th, 2008 @ 12:00 am
cottaging?
Je ne comprende pas. Qu’est que c’est? Le fromage disgustinque, ou jouer avec le ‘creme fraise’ dans les cubicles?
July 9th, 2008 @ 11:09 am
This is of course fantastic news for the brickies of Offaly who have been feeling the pinch of late.