Inky McInk
Posted on | July 7, 2008 | 39 Comments
For years Dirty Dave’s great ambition was to be a tattoo artist. He wanted to open his own studio where he could ink bikers, stupid teenagers and fashion followers who would get their ‘tramp stamp’ or bellybutton or ankle tattooed with a symbol that meant nothing at all to them but once it was in Chinese or Japanese it was all right.
He even had long term plans to open up a prison visit service where, like a mobile library, he would roll up once a month and tatt up the gang-bangers and other miscreants.
The problem was that the only thing Dave could draw was a duck. To be fair to him there aren’t many people who can draw a male Muscovy duck as well as he could but he accepted the fact, in the end, that demand for that particular tattoo would be limited.
Customer – “I want two snakes wrapped around a sword with a naked chick as its handle with a mountain in the background and the name ‘Hilda’ in some kind of gothic script”
Dave – “How about we do a nice duck?”
It wouldn’t have worked and thankfully he never took it any further than ducking-up Stinking Pete’s left shoulder with a mallard that looked like Gene Hackman from the Unforgiven saying “Duck of death?”
But what a trauma to have your chosen career ruled out because of sheer lack of talent at what it is you want to do. It’s kind of a specialist area, in fairness. You get a tattoo wrong and you’re going to wind up with a very angry customer.
So how do wannabe tattoo artists practice? Do they have hunchbacked assistants who go out and steal fresh corpses for them to practice on or do they use orphans, or what? No matter how good you are artistically surely you need to get used to the process, make a few mistakes here and there, like everyone does in every job. Practice makes perfect and all that but nobody needs the top of the sword to look like a septic knob or have a half-arsed version of your football team’s crest permanently etched into your skin.
I don’t have any tattoos myself. I did think about getting one but I always figured I’d manage to get an epileptic dyslexic who’d pitch a fit half-way through so I’d end up with something that was spelt wrong and then crossed out.
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39 Responses to “Inky McInk”
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July 7th, 2008 @ 8:44 am
FIRST THEY PRACTICE ON PIG SKIN. THEN – OR AT LEAST OVER HERE – THEY TATTOO THEMSELVES, USUALLY ON THE LEFT UPPER THIGH (EASY TO REACH)
July 7th, 2008 @ 8:49 am
they practice on “practice skin” (not sure if it’s pig or not) and then on brave/stupid friends who are willing to be their guinea pigs. i have a good few tattoos and intend on getting a few more. there are some good artists in dublin that do a very good job!
July 7th, 2008 @ 8:51 am
a motivational message for dave:
http://www.despair.com/incompetence.html
July 7th, 2008 @ 8:55 am
Cheers porridge, that has made my morning, I plan to print some of these out and plaster them around the offending areas of our office.
July 7th, 2008 @ 8:56 am
i don’t like tattoos
July 7th, 2008 @ 8:58 am
hehhehehe love the demotivation site, i know just what to bring to my next team meeting
July 7th, 2008 @ 9:07 am
Tattoos can be beautiful and they can also be bad.
July 7th, 2008 @ 9:08 am
A friend of mine (a Manchester United fan) wanted a tattoo of the Man U crest with the words “Treble Champions 1999″ below it… back in 1999 I think it was. A week after having it done he still hadn’t shown it to anybody.
We later found out the tattoo artist had spelt the word treble with 2 b’s. Of course much piss taking followed… until he said “Fuck of you b-b-bastards”.
July 7th, 2008 @ 9:15 am
Like this, you mean?
http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/5472/epicfailure08vz3.jpg
July 7th, 2008 @ 9:20 am
Ouch, Rachael, that’s funny yet tragic
July 7th, 2008 @ 9:21 am
heroine addicts will let you do a surprising amount of tattooing before the needle snaps in half.
July 7th, 2008 @ 9:24 am
I have a lovely tattoo.
He’s only 3′ 4″, and from Polynesia.
Calls me Boss and everything.
July 7th, 2008 @ 9:25 am
Offered him a chocolate biscuit yesterday.
“No Boss”, he said, “The plain, the plain.”
July 7th, 2008 @ 9:27 am
Oh Rachael, that’s a scary one. I was reading about this the other day – a lot of tattoo ‘artists’ aren’t artists at all…
July 7th, 2008 @ 9:29 am
Oh christ that tattoo, (i assume of his dead wife) looks pretty freaky. I would imagine he’ll be having nightmares of her grimacing face for a while.
I’ve considered tattoos but I doubt I’ll ever get one.
I change my mind too often to have something permanent like that.
July 7th, 2008 @ 9:34 am
oh, it’d suit you though, morgor.
THis is great: long lead in but worth the wait, it works as buld up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTxB2SVH-7s
July 7th, 2008 @ 9:40 am
WhatYouGonnaDoWhenAshitTattooArtistRunsWildOnYou – http://img109.imageshack.us/img109/5814/hulkhoganhp1.jpg
July 7th, 2008 @ 9:47 am
!!
He got all that he deserved.
July 7th, 2008 @ 10:07 am
http://www.boingboing.net/2008/07/04/tattooed-living-zomb.html
July 7th, 2008 @ 10:15 am
That tattoo makes the presumably-dead-wife look like she needed a good dentist.
July 7th, 2008 @ 10:53 am
I think it makes the dead wife look like flesh eating ghoul
July 7th, 2008 @ 10:54 am
2FM this morning played a “mood” song at 630am. A text arrived soon after from Samantha in Muff thanking them for the song. Do you really think Samantha was from Donegal or was she merely taking the piss out of the 2 poor inexperienced lads standing in for the stars?
July 7th, 2008 @ 11:13 am
http://www.muffdivingclub.ie/
“Discover the benefits of Muff Diving –
join today”. an invitation you don’t get everyday.
July 7th, 2008 @ 11:27 am
brilliant tattoo image thingy.
Is it true that most tattoo artists cant spell to save their lives or is it just a little inside joke among the tattoo community?
July 7th, 2008 @ 11:30 am
I want the thong.
http://www.cafepress.com/2509
“We treat all of our divers with care and enusre that when they go diving we give them the very best experience a Muff Diver deserves.” They’re clearly taking the piss out of themselves. Love it.
July 7th, 2008 @ 11:33 am
Porridge & Michelle
Hilarious…coffee now all over keyboard!!
July 7th, 2008 @ 12:09 pm
The most honest tattoo I can think of would be:
‘I PROBABLY HAVE HEPATITIS C NOW, SO I WOULDN’T SLEEP WITH ME IF I WERE YOU.’
July 7th, 2008 @ 12:38 pm
Will we see a post tomorrow titled Kinky McKink? Also involving mallards?
July 7th, 2008 @ 12:54 pm
“But what a trauma to have your chosen career ruled out because of sheer lack of talent ” , priceless line ! a duck on an 18 year old’ bum would probably work , however the same duck would not wear as well on a 70 year old wrinkly granny , who knows ?
July 7th, 2008 @ 1:02 pm
I bought your book Twenty,havent read it yet as i’ve to finish Slashes Biography first..
On subject though: I dont have any tattoo’s myself but alot of my friends to and oe of them is a Tatoo artist,he is very talented artist besides the tatooing ..I think Ducks are deadly though so i would probably let Dirty Dave do a duck tattoo is i was going to get one..
July 7th, 2008 @ 2:13 pm
go for it ,organdonor
July 7th, 2008 @ 2:36 pm
I thought about getting a tattoo years back and then I saw what they looked like on a 50 year-old woman and said hell no.
They don’t age well.
July 7th, 2008 @ 2:47 pm
Tattoo’s are cool. I have 3 so far and for my next trick I will have a monkey tattoo on my back
July 7th, 2008 @ 2:49 pm
Always carry a calculator. I’m not telling you why. Figure it out yourself.
July 7th, 2008 @ 2:51 pm
jaymonkey, don’t do it. Get a proper tattoo artist. Monkeys can’t draw.
July 7th, 2008 @ 2:53 pm
If you get one of your own face it will hopefully grow old gracefully along with you.
Plus it would be worth it just to see the look on the tattoo artist’s face.
July 7th, 2008 @ 2:53 pm
Thats ok! I will always know how many tattoo’s I have as I only get ! at a time! Unless the monkey gets wet and starts to multiply!
July 7th, 2008 @ 2:54 pm
A watch would be more usefull so that I don’t feed it after midnight.
July 7th, 2008 @ 6:37 pm
As you age the tat gets wider and all the colors run together. Get a gander at some old fart who got tatted up when he was was young and half lit.