Hitmen

This hitman case is really something, isn’t it?

A woman is accused of hiring a hitman to kill her partner and his two sons. Gerry Ryan’s even been involved in the case as she apparently sent some emails to his show, or something.

Anyway, turns out the guy she allegedy hired to do the hitting had an email address of ‘hire_hitman@yahoo.com’.

Now, Lucky aside as he’s all web 2.0 and stuff, you’d think most hitmen would be a little more inconspicuous than that. I wonder does he have any other email addresses -  ‘willkillformoney@gmail.com’ or ‘paymeandillwhackem@eircom.net’.

I’ve often wondered about how Lucky got into the business. I know he’s Italian so immediately you think ‘mafia’ but he says he holds no truck with them and they are responsible for ‘the a stereotyping of a the Italian. Mama Mia! Especially a when a they speak a the Eeeenglish’.

You have to think though that with the right amount of patience and stuff it’d be a relatively easy job to do and not get caught, once you can get over the moral issues. Lucky, to his credit, will only kill people he thinks deserve to be killed although often the reasons are quite odd. Almost as if he’s making something up to justify the kill. I’ve never heard of him turning one down apart from when I tried to hire him to kill everyone who has ever been on The Panel but he said that’s because he didn’t have time.

But back to doing it yourself. I remember one Sunday night, around 10pm, walking past the Eye and Ear Hospital, and there were very few people around. There was just one guy about 50 yards ahead of me on the other side of the road. There was hardly any traffic and I thought to myself that were I some kind of hitman that it would be a piece of piss to get this bloke with a silenced pistol and nobody would ever see anything.

I know, I know, CSI would get me. Fuck off they would. You walk up ‘Pfft, Pfft, Pfft’, he’s on face like some kind of drunk and you keep walking. Easy. Of course all the stalking and waiting for him to be walking past the Eye and Ear late on a Sunday evening would be the hard part.

The main reason I never got involved in the old hitmanning stuff was the consequences of fucking up. I’d love to say I was always a dedicated and conscientious employee when I was doing that kind of stuff but it would be a lie. Not that I was a workshy fop or anything but after a while the work would just bore the arse off me and I’d end up doing something which meant I’d be asked to go find some other kind of work. And that was really the worst that could happen when working in an office.

Fuck up a hit though and you end up inside for rather too many years. Even if my own life was on the line I’d still probably just be a bit careless one day, eager to get it over and done with so I could get back to Ron’s and have a pint, and that would be that.

That’s why I mostly leave it to the experts like Lucky.

Mostly.

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135 Responses to “Hitmen”

  • Jo Says:

    you’re an international man of mystery, Twenty.

    But I don’t understand why you don’t think The Panel’s funny. It makes me laugh a lot. Sure, the guest spots are weird and embarrassing, and they don’t let the women panellists talk much. And they have Grainne Seoige on a lot. And Ed Byrne thinks he’s awfully clever when he’s not so much.

    But still, there’s lots of good bits too.

    As a small child I thought the Eye and Ear hospital was called The Ioneer hospital and I still say it like that to myself, I have to concentrate to think it properly.

  • Twenty Major Says:

    But I don’t understand why you don’t think The Panel’s funny.

    It’s because it’s not funny.

    As a small child I thought the Eye and Ear hospital was called The Ioneer hospital

    I have to admit to that myself, actually. I never thought a hospital name would be so specific.

  • Silly Old Sod Says:

    I’ll say one thing about hitmen. You never meet an average one. They’re either good, or their not. No middle ground. If you meet one in the open, be worried. If he is the other side of the bars, or under a chunk of granite, you can say what you like to him, within reason of course. Erring on the side of caution is probably to be advised.

  • Twenty Major Says:

    Many round your way, SoS?

  • Twenty Major Says:

    The Broken Collarbone Hospital closed down years ago.

  • problemchildbride Says:

    If Lucky had harmed a hair on Andrew Maxwell’s head I would be forced into the bluish-black and shiny-chromed world of the assassin myself. I would assassinate him with a toaster. A blunt one.

  • problemchildbride Says:

    Jo, I don’t know why they can’t find funnier woman for that show. Ireland’s full of hilarious women and they have Aoibhinn Ní Shúilleabháin and Mairead Farrell.

  • Jo Says:

    The first time I saw Andrew Maxwell on there, I thought he was a total arse, and totally unfunny.

    But I’ve changed my mind, he’s brilliant, and totally in command in his stand up.

    I know what you mean about the women – there are women stand ups out there. Pauline McGlynn was ok, but not great, considering.

    Hey, how do you get it where you live? Sattellite?

  • Whiskeyintheditch Says:

    Our Lady’s Hospital for Sick Children.

  • Jo Says:

    Twenty, have you seen a French film called ‘Wild Target’ with Gerard Diepardieu’s son and Jean Rochefort (I think that’s it). GD’s an apprentice assassin. I think it’s Moving Target in French, which makes more sense as the assassin develops feelings for his mark. It’s funny and quirky, it’s great.

  • problemchildbride Says:

    Jo, internet. Off the RTE website. I can’t remember how I got there – on someone’s recommendation maybe. Andrew Maxwell’s comedy platinum though and as I’ll never get to see him live The Panel’s the next best thing for a far-flung ‘un like me.

  • problemchildbride Says:

    Whiskeyintheditch, the “Sick” bit seems a bit redundant.

  • Sniffle&Cry Says:

    If you listened to more folk music, that loving thing twenty, you’d never want to do a hit.

    In Limerick, the hitperson gig is manditory for the Inter cert, but most kids drop it for the leaving. They choose art instead. Or Technical drawing.

  • MartyBanana Says:

    The It-hurts-a-bit-when-I-cough hospital is long gone as well.

  • Monkey Balls Says:

    Can anyone direct me to the ‘I sat on it and it must’ve just lodged itself up there Hospital’?

    Take your time, there’s no rush.

    Actually, don’t bother. I’m getting used to it now.

  • GLUAISTEAN Says:

    “Our Lady’s Hospital for Sick Children” – DO THE KIDS WHO AREN’T CURED THEN GROW UP TO BE BLOGGERS??

  • Tinman18 Says:

    S&C, I think if Twenty had to listen to folk music he’d forget about the hitman thing and graduate straight to sitting on a rooftop polishing his rifle collection.

  • Tinman18 Says:

    I think everyone must have thought that about the Ioneer. I also thought Galway hada Hospital called Porty Nunckla.

    In Foxrock they have Our Lady’s Private Hospital for Mumsy’s Little Darlings Who Have A Touch of the Sniffles.

  • Silly Old Sod Says:

    Apologies for vanishing like that. I had to make myself scarce for a while. From someone. Not the estate hitman, oh no. Just, someone.

  • SuperGrover Says:

    Infirmary for Worrying Welts on the Arse just outside Mullingar.

    Andrew Maxwell is the only one on the panel who is actually funny.

    Ed Byrne still goes red straight after he rattles off one of his pre-prepared weak gags. Sap.

    There are very few funny women in comedy, but several in my private life. Weird.

    Now, there yiz go.

  • Sid Trotter Says:

    May be the loser on the panel show should be killed by Lucky – that would make the panel funnier

  • Tinman18 Says:

    Problem with that Sid is that it would be like the Eurovision, where people ignore the songs & just tune in for the voting.

    People would ignore the show & just watch the last two minutes for the slaying.

  • Nonny Says:

    Did he really I never saw that, have you a link to the story?

  • Sid Trotter Says:

    Tinman – would that be so bad

  • Adonis Says:

    Last hospital I was in I was the only white person there. It was all blacks and pakies and it felt like a third world place too!
    Good luck with that piece of fruit or whatever it is stuck up your arse Monkeyballs. Go on, give it a pet name while you are at it!

  • morgor Says:

    Often considered becoming an assassin.

    I have very little regard for human life so I think I’d be quite suitable.

    I think i’ve defended the panel before but ed byrne is fairly shit alright. The little offaly fella and andrew maxwell are fairly funny.

    I saw andrew maxwell in glastonbury last year actually, he was pretty good but not terribly original – he stuck to wank,drug,sex and irish jokes.

  • Lorcan the Lion Says:

    the old reliables

  • Adonis Says:

    The Panel is shite. Pure and simple. They are all “Have I got news for you” wannabes in my book. Speaking of books, nobody ever told me if they had read “The Diceman”. If you haven’t, then I suggest you do so asap.

  • SuperGrover Says:

    The Diceman was excellent.

    By the same author is ‘The Adventures of Wim’. One of my favourite books ever but now out of print. And someone borrowed mine and never gave it back. If anyone has a copy they don’t want…

  • Organdonor Says:

    Saw Andrew Maxwell in a small club in Limerick about 2 years ago ,he was dying with a flu but still turned up,they gave him a rocking chair and a blanket and he did 2+ hours of 90% funny material..I think he was slightly stoned off the flu remedy and hot whiskeys..

    I too considered being a hitman at one stage but im a nervous flyer and i believe theres alot of international travel..I would make an exception in Mugagbe’s case though.id love to put a bullet through him..i mean Jesus what a fucking stupid moustache,he deserves 2 bullets for that hitler-lite lip shadow..

  • Holemaster Says:

    dioneerhospitalandabottleofbovril

  • Holemaster Says:

    I’d love to be an assassin.

    You get to go to all the cool cities around the world and be very sophisticated. I’d be very effective, I’m highly observant, discreet, thorough and I do actually have a very good aim. I won a trophy for hitting 15 out of 22 clays on my first go.

    I can blend in very well, I am very good at finding my way in a new place and have a superb sense of direction in case I need to escape quickly.

    BUT, I will only shoot people with a sniper’s rifle from half a mile away and they must be walking their poodle at the time for extra dramatic effect.

  • Holemaster Says:

    Oh and I’d have a Citroen CS

  • Redleeroy Says:

    There has got to be a public figure that leads a double life as an assassin? As OrganDonor said, lots of international travel, its the perfect cover.

  • SuperGrover Says:

    Leeroy, I think you will find that Willie O’Dea might fit the bill there.

  • SuperGrover Says:

    Just, y’know, the head on him and that

  • Anto Says:

    Yer average assassin where I work is a local scanger who kills people in broad daylight with security cameras all around because someone has given him a grand in cash, a gun and enough cocaine for a week. Life is cheap here in Dublin 1…. as witnessed by the number of unsolvced assassinations in the area.

  • porridge Says:

    when you absolutely have to put a large hole in someone a mile away, accept no substitute

    http://www.barrettrifles.com/rifle_82.aspx

    except for this

    http://world.guns.ru/sniper/sn56-e.htm

  • Redleeroy Says:

    Willie O’Dea – I fuckin knew it !!

  • Adonis Says:

    Cheers SuperGrover for that. I will try to track it down. I have “Burt Ward, my life in tights” on the way to me. I’ve been trying to get me hands on it for years now and one of me mates came to the rescue for me the other day. Looking forward to it!
    By the way Your Maj, when the next tome due our way??

  • Holemaster Says:

    That Willie O’Dea fucker has a bloke in court for making a false statement against him. So what, maybe he did make a false statement, just let it go, get him to apologise and be done with it without being a precious smug little cunt about it.

    He’s an asshole with small man syndrome, the worst kind of nazi there is.

  • Jo Says:

    Holemaster, when I read your hitman comment, I thought you said your target must be wanking a poodle.

  • SuperGrover Says:

    Adonis – “I will try to track it down.”

    Just ordered a used copy from Amazon. Remind me in a couple of weeks and I’ll send it on.

  • Jo Says:

    I”ve been having trouble ordering used stuff from Aazon, they won’t always ship it. Is there something I can do about that? I read the help on it, but it didn’t make a lot of sense to me, I must admit.

  • Nonny Says:

    will somebody tell me a link to the story please?

  • SuperGrover Says:

    Jo, I wasn’t even sure I had an account. Turns out I do. Never ordered anything so haven’t a breeze.

    Bought it from a third party supplier, not Amazon itself. I think.

  • Twenty Major Says:

    Look it up, Nonny. Jesus.

  • gimmeaminute Says:

    Is this the one you’re looking for, Nonny?

  • Jo Says:

    heh heh heh heh

  • Dessiegee Says:

    People who pronounce Hospital as Hostipal deserve to die slowly on a trolly

  • Redleeroy Says:

    what about people who say cousint instead of cousin, should they be summarily executed ?

  • morgor Says:

    Girls eat shit then puke on each other then fuck a horse before being cut in half with a chainsaw weilding negro midget

    Jesus, Nonny is some pervert.

  • Dessiegee Says:

    Especially them – what about “rubbige” instead of “rubbish”

  • MMN Says:

    Ninjas are the best hitmen.

    http://i28.tinypic.com/35c21qv.jpg

    Also, the panel IS funny, it’s just populated by gobshites. Dara O’Briain and Andrew Maxwell and to some extent Colin Murphy are good, but Mairead is the fucking anti-joke. She sucks sweaty, hairy, ginger balls. And so forth.

  • Redleeroy Says:

    Dessiegee – and ‘pacific’ instead of ’specific’, They shall feel the assassins wrath.

  • Miroslav Says:

    ‘I thought to myself that were I some kind of hitman that it would be a piece of piss to get this bloke with a silenced pistol and nobody would ever see anything.’

    You are lucky to be still alive, my friend, for even as you were thinking your amateur Sunday evening I-could-be-a-killer-no-probs-buddy thoughts, my hand was already on the Mauser. You were not my intended target, but had you not crossed the road just then you would have been an unfortunate statistic. Unfortunate for you. Irrelevant to me. And yes, the ‘doc’ who poked my eye got what was coming to him too. Have yourself a lucky sandwich this lunchtime, Mr Twenty.

  • Trixie Says:

    And people who dont understand the difference between They’er, There and Their!

  • Giver O'Shite Says:

    There’s a far higher density of cunts per square mile in Dublin than anywhere else on the planet, so is it really surprising that they are heavily represented on a TV show that’s filmed there, adding in the whole “I’m on TV and therefore important” factor

  • Dessiegee Says:

    I’m off to get the hang sangwidge in for lunch…

  • Sid Trotter Says:

    Miroslav that was Klose (he he, dya geddit)

  • morgor Says:

    And people who dont understand the difference between They’er, There and Their!

    Hehe, yeah, it’s not that difficult.

    Their so stupid with they’re crappy grammer and there noses in the air.

  • Puerile Pish Says:

    I can assure you that the cunt quotient is no higher in Dublin than other places. I would argue that Basildon has the highest cunt quotient in the world closely followed by Newcastle.

  • SAm Crea Says:

    Leon was the greatest assassin.

    And Quincy WILL BE BACK for those CSI fuckers!
    Take away the glitzy special affects, and all your left with is bad actors taking finger prints and blood tests. Sure they could be working over at the finger print and Blood sample hostipal!

  • Twenty Major Says:

    Have yourself a lucky sandwich this lunchtime, Mr Twenty.

    mmmmm, sliced Lucky.

  • Nonny Says:

    “Jesus, Nonny is some pervert.”

    I beg you pardon but I think you may have confussed me wanting Major to back up his post with him trying to be funny.

  • Twenty Major Says:

    I gave you the link, Nonny, go look at it for yourself.

  • SAm Crea Says:

    typing any question into a comment box seems a futile exercise to me, surely its quicker to google..

  • morgor Says:

    i’m not confused at all.

    Unless Monkey Balls is around. He’s so hot.

  • Whiskeyintheditch Says:

    Or cunts that say “I should of goin” instead of “I should have gone”

  • SAm Crea Says:

    Was just reading yesterdays comments, and was intrigued as to PP’s ideas for a shit-based social networking site, how about this for a title..

    http://WWW.FAECESBOOK.COM

  • Holemaster Says:

    “typing any question into a comment box seems a futile exercise to me, surely its quicker to google..”

    Well let’s see….

    Can someone send the link to the Irish Times website please?

  • Holemaster Says:

    No Google is faster

  • Jo Says:

    midgets instead of midges

    muslims instead of muslins

    and … ECsetera

  • SAm Crea Says:

    Jo stop being so Pedantic,

    I’m off out now for my post lunch Egg-spresso at Starbucks..

  • Jo Says:

    Hm, did you see my poodle mistake?

    I seen it… shudder

  • B'dum B'dum Says:

    The only thing the Panel had going for it was the great interviewing skills of Dara O’Briain. which are now gone.

    It’s scripted too.

  • Holemaster Says:

    “Hm, did you see my poodle mistake?”

    I did Jo and thought how odd would that look? I mean a little poodle ‘getting there’ so to speak with the help of a well dressed gentleman in a long dark coat and dapper hat. It’s quite an exceptional image in fact.

  • Holemaster Says:

    People who say Millin instead of Million.

    Also, people who say 2-0-8 instead of 2008.

    And Me Meself Personally.

  • Jo Says:

    who says 2-0-8? Really?

    It was the added image of the sudden gunshot to the bizarre scene that did it for me.

    HOlemaster, defending poodles’ innocense on Dublin Streets.

  • Nonny Says:

    “Girls eat shit then puke on each other then fuck a horse before being cut in half with a chainsaw weilding negro midget”

    Why did you have to put it like that?

  • Twenty Major Says:

    Why do you have to make a big deal about it?

  • Nonny Says:

    I only wanted to read the whole article, I googled it but could not find it, there was no name in your post. I could hardly go opening a link like that in work.

  • morgor Says:

    Twenty, this gravatar stuff, although amusing is slowing down your site something awful.

  • SuperGrover Says:

    morgor – re your hillbilly… i reckon if he got a no. 1 haircut and a pair of glasses he would look kind of like me.

    ouch.

  • Twenty Major Says:

    Yeah, Nonny, because I always post links to that kind of stuff.

    Aye, Morgor, seems a bit slow all right. If their server fucks up then it hangs. Probably just temporary though.

  • morgor Says:

    SG – hehe, maybe you should grow a moustache to distance yourself from my picture.

    Twenty, checked your site there, this page runs 4 different js scripts and downloads about 40 pictures.

    Still it was working fine yesterday ….

    Nonny you can give a link any title you want, if you hover the mouse over it you’ll see where it leads.

    try this :
    the link nonny wanted

  • morgor Says:

    whoops did that incorrectly :

    sexy time

  • Jo Says:

    SG,don’t listen to morgor. DO NOT grow a moustache. I don’t think you have the intese and murderous stare of morgor’s friend there, don’t worry.

  • Jo Says:

    morgor, you’re destroying your IT cred. Your boss will never promote you if he sneaks a look at your new history. But then, he might not anyway, once he sees it.

  • Jo Says:

    tss, net history, not new history.I”m going ot have typos on my epitaph

  • Nonny Says:

    Yee can be such a shower of pricks sometimes. Big bad cyber bullies.

  • Monkey Balls Says:

    I watched Andrew Maxwell Live In Dublin on DVD the other night in work. I’ll admit I was pretty stoned at the time, but I didn’t laugh once. Instead I found it embarrassing the way he laboured every joke to within an inch of it’s life, and then told it again with a ‘funny face’. He’s shit.
    And that fuckin’ haircut!

  • Tinman18 Says:

    Plus he’s Charlie Haughey’s love-child.

  • Monkey Balls Says:

    OK, so that explains the haircut, but who ever told him he was funny?

  • Holemaster Says:

    “Yee can be such a shower of pricks sometimes. Big bad cyber bullies.”

    C’mere Nonny and I’ll give you a hug.

  • Holemaster Says:

    “who says 2-0-8? Really?”

    Boggers do. Why on earth I do not know.

  • morgor Says:

    C’mere Nonny and I’ll give you a hug.

    Holemaster, I don’t think she’ll take you up on your offer so i think you can put your pants back on.

  • SAm Crea Says:

    Morgor, i was tempted to slag the fuck out of your ‘Funny’ Pic, but then I thought what if thats really him?

  • morgor Says:

    it’s not me, it’s supergrover.

    What’s with the quotes around the funny? not amused?
    grumpy cunt.

  • Giver O'Shite Says:

    It’s not beyond the realms of possibility

  • Puerile Pish Says:

    Morgor, does his hair fold forwards so it covers his face and eyes, would be right handy in times of extreme stress.

  • Sid Trotter Says:

    “Leave a reply” – would that be negligent?

  • SAm Crea Says:

    quotes around funny, cause I was saying I thought it was meant to be funny, but then maybe it wasnt and you really look like that.. which wouldnt be funny.

    But now i know it is Funny, or at least I can admit to its funniness..

    Sorry SG.

  • SAm Crea Says:

    its not even the hair, or the egg-like head, its the vest..

  • SuperGrover Says:

    i wash myself with a rag on a stick… yuk yuk yuk

  • SuperGrover Says:

    edit for accent

    ah wash mahself with a rag on a stick…

  • morgor Says:

    I think it’s the combination of the hair, the vest and the rapist stare that make it such a masterful picture.

  • Monkey Balls Says:

    morgor, what’s your starting bid for me not to use that photo I have of you as my gravatar?

  • morgor Says:

    it depends, how much does Lucky cost?

  • Matt Vinyl Says:

    Oi Twenty,

    Did you see the latest bollox from our old friend Bertie?

    http://bertieahernoffice.org/index.php

  • Puerile Pish Says:

    I will organise a consortium to bid for you to use his photo.

  • SAm Crea Says:

    That has to be a definite target for some of our hacker friends… Anyone know how to hack a webserver??

  • SuperGrover Says:

    MB, I would like to counter-bid any Morgor offer with a bribe of a quarter and a bottle of Jemmy.

  • Holemaster Says:

    I was just wondering if in a far distant future if we’ll all be just existing in each other’s consciousness and not material beings and that it would be just like communicating on a blog? A nothingness yet full of thoughts and minds.

    Ahhhhh, – jumps out window.

  • SAm Crea Says:

    I am changing my Handle to

    Supercilious SAm

  • Monkey Balls Says:

    Change it to ‘Bar Moustache’, then you’ll have the handle-bar moustache you’ve always longed for.

  • Supercilious SAm Says:

    Already have one of those Monkey!

  • Tinman18 Says:

    Oi Twenty,

    Did you see the latest bollox from our old friend Bertie?

    http://bertieahernoffice.org/index.php

    Matt, do you notice his office address is 161 Drumcondra Rd?

    So why have we just spent 200 grand on some place on Kildare Street?

  • Monkey Balls Says:

    That’s a cool new gravatar Tinman. Where did you get it?
    He asks, knowingly.

  • Twenty Major Says:

    Did you see the latest bollox from our old friend Bertie?

    http://bertieahernoffice.org/index.php

    Surprised there’s no blog on there…

  • Holemaster Says:

    Bertie looks like he’s out on the steps waiting for his Chineser to arrive.

  • Holemaster Says:

    No she’s Malay.

  • Dessiegee Says:

    What a shite web site – no tips on da gee gee’s, no banking advice, nothing….

  • Twenty Major Says:

    heh

    “Next week on de Bertie blog – ‘How to face up to intense questioning without ever giving a straight answer!”

  • Tinman18 Says:

    “That’s a cool new gravatar Tinman. Where did you get it?
    He asks, knowingly.”

    MB very kindly sent it to me.

    Incidentally, I can still only see my old one.

  • Holemaster Says:

    MB, Tinman, I like the all singing all dancing new gravatars.

  • Holemaster Says:

    And SG!

  • Jo Says:

    It’s nice and jolly and cosy in here this evening. Are you all just basking in post-Nonny baiting glow?

  • Scawgeen Says:

    ‘Carlos the Jackal, I cudda been him’ by Major Twenty Major, coming soon to your Inbox.

  • Spag Hoop Says:

    GLUAISTEAN – you are a hilarity of a heckler. Do you have your own blog? You could piss off so many more commentators if you did and give me 2 + seconds more of amusement every day.

  • Elvira Says:

    Nonny. Why?

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