“Dear Twitter,
I’m just writing to say thank for you the wonderful service you provide. I can’t even begin to tell you how handy it is for me.
Not in the way you might expect either. Not for me the updating of my life, almost by the minute. It’s quite dull enough as it is without having to inflict it on anyone else. But for allowing me to keep up with the details of other people’s lives.
For example, I read a lot of Irish blogs and many Irish bloggers use Twitter to tell everyone what they’re doing.
Johnsmith is enjoying some lovely toast or MaryPoofacecockmaster is struggling with her dissertation.
To me though, the best use of Twitter is when somebody tells me they’re going to be away from their home.
Johnsmith is going on holidays for two weeks or MaryPoofacecockmaster is going to be at a tech conference all day long and won’t be back until late tonight. I hope my cat is all right!
This, to me, is an absolute Godsend as knowing exactly when people are coming and going allows me to plan my day with the utmost precision. I know I can go about my business uninterrupted, hassle free and, to be honest, it has greatly improve the quality of my work. Instead of scurrying about the place hither and thither I can take my time and do a good thorough job.
So from the very bottom of my heart I would like to thank you and just keep up the good work. You’re brilliant.
Yours sincerely,
A Burglar
heh. I’m glad I’ve resisted so far.
Never even heard of it.
Ahh, the Poofacecockmasters. A distinguished Dublin family
Johnsmith is having a languorous bathtub wank
hee. morgor, you should start a blog. It’s a service whereby you answer the question ‘what are you doing right now?’ hence thebathtub wank. I wish I was – mine’s ‘stopping the baby eating from the dogbowl.’
Tinman18 is up to his arse in work & is going to be away from this conversation for as long as he can resist.
Fuck, who am I kidding?
Urg, me too. Achieving Nothing Wednesday.
Surely the Guards could use it as a form of entrapment?
Marypoofacecockmaster has gone to the AIB on Grafton Street to collect the wages in cash for her 200 servants.
She will be walkng home iwth the money in a Bag-for-Life along Dame Street at about 2.15, not looking at all like a big red-faced culchie bloke from Oughterard in a dress trying to pretend he’s not a guard.
I’m afraid I’ll never subscribe to Boobie or Twatter. About as much use as fish umbrellas.
Of course Smug Mccunt from Blackrock will be protected from Mr A Burglar by their Eircom Cockwatch system after falling for the scare tactics from their marketing department.
house Alarms are for cunts!
My how convenient.
It even saves you having to pay the taxi driver who takes them to the airport for the tip off.
I’m having a terribly annoying day. Nothing is working properly, my staff are not listening to me, the secretary is not wearing sexy clothes, the kettle is broken and the cute girl in spar isn’t there anymore.
I’d never heard of this Twatter lark either. What the fuck is it & what earthly purpose does it serve other than making some cunt look busy & therefore feel important?
you should take some blue yellow red and purple pills.
Unfortunately, Jo, Achieving Nothing Wednesday is following hot on the heels of Did Fuck-all Monday and Football Puns Tuesday.
Mr Pish beat me to the Eircom Homewatch comment. Have they shares in Twitter?
And twiddle-your-thumbs-thursday…
Well, I had Falling Over Tuesday, that wasn’t great nor productive. Let’s hope you’re not heding for Getting Fired Friday.
It would serve a purpose if people would use it to say “Maryloudvoice is on the DART” so that they wouldn’t have to yell it into their mobile instead.
I would pay for a service called “Shitter” which would tell me wherever there was a clean cubicle free, it would save me getting short in an around town.
Not only a free cubicle, but one that had been safely cleared of the wafting faecal odour of its previous occupant
22 posts before the faecal factor kicked in. Is this a record?
ha, but that would translate as you telling people where YOU were shitting round town.
A service Twenty’s blog has served before, perhaps
Right you cunts I’m off to the Dragons Den to make my fortune: Shitter Web Service
I reckon the Japanese have already patented that one
i’ll give you 20 grand for 40%
“i’ll give you 20 grand for 40%”
Bauld move, he’ll fuck off with the money like the thick-lipped indian did with Sting (oh how we laughed)
This is the post i made on my blog about Twitter:
This thing they call Twitter has been designed to answer the most asked question by your loved ones and friends (oh and nosy cunts). And if, like me, the answer is “GO FUCK YOURSELF” then Twitter is definitley not for you. It updates people you know on every single little thing in your life. “What are you doing?”… Eh I’m taking a shit, fuck off! Actually “What are you doing?” is officially the second most annoying question that can be asked by these nosy bastards. Number one is “Where are you?” None of your fucking business, that’s where. What is with these people that they think it’s anything less than rude by asking these questions? Please fuck off and annoy/stalk some other cunt.
What am I doing? Minding my own fucking business.
I would love to see their faces, as I presented my idea, only those fuckers will have gold bogs in the backs of their limos so will not see the value.
PP – it’s been done…
http://www.westminster.gov.uk/councilgovernmentanddemocracy/councils/pressoffice/news/pr-4040.cfm
can i have my money back now, please..?
hello…?
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck !! back to the drawing board.
And who the fuck has time to research this during normal working hours, you feckless lazy dope fiend.
this is my job. twenty pays me in beer dregs and duty free fags to be his research assistant
I love dregs.
I thought it was the space between your ‘Twat’ and your ‘Shitter’. Can we close the ‘Etymology’ on this for once and for all.
I have spent all your money Supergrover
Would you people pay €40 for an automatic duvet cover changer?
Holemaster, it’s actually quite easy to move to a new insurer by yourself.
Christ you’re alive MB, you been on holiday?
I’m knackered
Shushh
“Would you people pay €40 for an automatic duvet cover changer?”
Married one already.
new insurer – jesus, MB, that’s obscure
I’m only barely alive PP. By one of those cruel blows that life serves up too frequently, I am sufferring from a dose of ‘flu, AND I have just acquired the most potent hash I’ve had in years.
I am being super-unproductive.
I would be happy to relieve you of the offending hash, SuperGrover will square you up he still owes me 20K for my business idea.
Too late PP. I licked it!
This has just appeared on the BBC website:
Man City set to confirm Jo deal
Jo is set to be unveiled as Man City’s record signing
Manchester City are set to officially confirm Brazilian striker Jo as their record signing in a deal worth £18m.
Who needs Twitter when she can brag about where she’s going on the BBC?
i too am suffering from potency fatigue. i sympathise…
And she’s a striker with a Brazilian, apparently.
Sketch! Here she comes!
How bizarre. Brazilians indeed.
My ex had an Australian (as in bush)
That’s spooky how you did that, Monkey.
Sketch, here comes Elvis….
It’s a mixture of telekenesis, voodoo, and good luck Tinman.
Mostly good luck though.
Telekeneses? Moviong stuff round with the power of your mind? Surely I would have noticed?
I think I might know MB’s secret. Though I am alarmed that he’s tracking my movements!
via Shitter undoubtedly
Wehoo oooh yay yay ah hum oh yeah yeah
Wowwww
Honestly Jo, it was just lucky.
I’m alarmed that you know my secret. If I could figure it out meself I’d be worth a fortune by now.
Hang on a minute. Maybe Twenty’s blog is magic?
How do you guys get the pictures beside your names?
Twenty told us once morgor, and since then I’ve posted it again twice.
I’m e-mailing it to you as you read this.
Bloody hell Morgor where you been, Twenty gave a tutorial last week?
Although I changed my bloody gravatar hours ago and it has not changed here.
He’s been to Glasto,
To see the Queen.
where you been
Prague,Edinburgh and Glastonbury.
I’m a busy guy.
Morgor the Traveller (and not in the knacker sense)
“Although I changed my bloody gravatar hours ago and it has not changed here.”
Clear cache
let’s check . . .
Tried That
Will try accessing from a decent browser tonight and I reckon it will work OK, bloody IE is the bane of my fucking life.
goddamn you gravatar!
It can take a little while to show up, morgor. Just make sure the email address you signed up with is the same one in the email address section here…
So morgor, is it just me who sees the
wierd bald dude then? Heh.
Holy fuck morgor. What the Hell are you doing? You’re not supposed to put your actual photo up.
Hes like a young Andy from Little Britain
sweet.
I’ve got the same picture on my bank card.
Most people don’t seem to notice when i had it to them while trying to disguise a smirk.
The awful thing is, he’s a real guy, presumably! Where did you get him? He looks like an evil hynotist. I was going to say he jsut needs to shave his head, but then I noticed that that wouldn’t change is intense stare.
I’ve been trying to do the image thing & getting nowhere.
Jesus Morgor, he’s like Steve Wright’s lost brother.
he’s got a super-cool black wife-beater vest on too.
Maybe i should get a t-shirt done up…
who’s steve wright?
Morgor, does he have a name ?
Just wondering, anyone said twatter yet?
and a ps… when you go to the comment page you’re showing a lot of blank page upstairs…
erm, don’t have a name for him.
hope i never meet him in real life. That’d be a bit awkward.
I got his face from a e-mail about hillbillies.
I don’t know, I kind of like those little bits where you get to update the world on what you’re up to. Round about the time that poor kid in Tallaght was killed by lightning, I used my facebook spot to say:
“MMN was struck by the IDEA of lightning!”
The next day it was:
“MMN is a textbook schizophrenic. MMN is a copy of Busy at Maths 6″
MMN would continue in this vein, but MMN read that referring to oneself in the third person was in the ‘going down’ / cool-o-meter in the Sunday Times style magazine the other day.
“who’s steve wright?”
a very funny man….
http://www.exclaim.ca/images/up-steven_wright_lg.jpg
MB – Whats wrong with using your own picture – mine looks fine
Still testing, sorry
Bastards
Spudley has the horn
Tinman – I fucked around with this the other day and I found I had to give the image a G Rating and to wait 15 to 20 minutes before it worked
It’s all down to clearing your ‘cache’
In Firefox, Go to ‘Tools’, and click on ‘Manage Private Data’
Make sure the ‘Clear Cache’ box is selected.
In Internet Explorer, Go to http://www.mozilla-europe.org/en/firefox/ and download Firefox. (New version out today!)
Well done Tinman! Lookin’ good!
Thanks, MB.
I do look like a man playing a condom in a TV ad, though.
Have you tried a close-up of the face? (But including the hatchet, of course.)
sorry, that came out wrong.
I’ll have another go in the morning. Thta image is on my “work” computer.
there’s a freegan on all saints(the wifes’ show,i just look up when i hear a keyword or a nice woman comes on).
he’s got a leg full of maggots from “argue-ing” with an alley cat over a chicken carcass.
i think its fred.
and if people use twitter(i had to look it up),don’t they deserve all they get?
Hmm, that sounds like terrible anti-freegan propaganda to me.
Yeah, those first four letters are a bit of a give-away alright.
Pish, I see your new Avatar has appeared.
You must be very proud.
And so he should be.
Avatars are for young people and gays…
Avatars are for young people and gays
there’s a combination you don’t normally hear.
Avatars are brilliant.
It’s a pity they aren’t ‘sticky’ though.
They’d be more fun if they were ‘sticky’.
Only 9 more days?
What?
DRINK!
Get off my internet, MB.
Avatars are for young people and gays…
What a shame you only tick one of the boxes, SoS, you young scamp.
Shh Twenty.
I prefer to be a man of mystery. Keep them wondering, like.
Hang on, if I only tick one……..
Why can I not see my new avatar….?
I can see it now, I feel very proud, might smoke a cigar to celebrate the birth of my new avatar
Did you find that on the Internet PP, or did you do it yourself?
Internet, I am not taking photos of my own turds, I am not German . With my diet the lines are far less defined and probably would only look like a brown blob, rather than the fine specimen displayed here. Will have to change it, because I read and comment on some blogs where a turd may be inappropriate.
You must have self esteem issues or creepy sexual leanings.
I’d say the latter
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“Dear Blogger,
I’m just writing to say thank for you the wonderful service you provide. I can’t even begin to tell you how handy it is for me…”
Ooops, this may have been meeee… :O Luckily, my flatmate has been at home all this time, and on the look-out for an old bearded bloke trying to shit outside our door.