Spit on me mickey
There we were in Ron’s last night, watching the final of Euro 2008. Not much of a game to be honest but I did enjoy seeing that cunt Ballack lose another final. The cunt.
Anyway, half-way through the second half Dirty Dave went off the jacks. When he came back he was bleeding from a massive wound on his forehead.
“What the fuck happened to you?”, I asked.
“Well”, he said, “you know the way every time you go for a piss in a urinal you do a little spit?”
“Of course, I know. Every man in the world does this”.
“Right, well I stepped up, unleashed the chopper and dribbled a large gob out. Not an actual spit but one of those where you let it hang for a moment before the sheer weight of saliva propels it towards the urinal cake”.
“Ok…”
“Yeah, but I then instantly forgot I’d done the spit and it landed right on the top of my knob, leaving me a gozzy helmet. Naturally I was shocked, thinking ‘Which fucking cunt has just spat on my cock?’ and when I looked around I realised I was the only person in there”.
“Jesus…”
“So then I thought ‘If there’s nobody else in here it must have been a ghost and I don’t want ghost sputum on my mickey and ghosts are scary’ so I tried to make a run for the door but I’d already started to wee and the wee went on the floor and I slipped in the wee and hit my head on the sink. I managed to squeeze my one-eyed custard chucker like a hose to stop more wee coming out and eventually got back to my feet and finished my business in the urinal”.
“Fucking hell you are a ridiculous cunt and no mistake. You realise you’re going to need stitches in that?”
“Yeah. I’ll just nip down to James’s then. Don’t suppose anybody wants to give me a lift, do they? This really hurts and I think I’m blind in one eye”.
“Dave, the football’s on”.
“Right so. I’ll grab a cab”.
“Good man”.
I despair sometimes. But not when the football’s on.
June 30th, 2008 at 8:50 am
“one-eyed custard chucker”
I has custard with me apple strudle last night
Don’t think I will again
June 30th, 2008 at 8:55 am
That was lovely, Twenty. Lovely.
June 30th, 2008 at 9:11 am
… “gozzy helmet”…
nice
June 30th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Crack your head open after slipping in urine with a big ghost goz on the end of your trouser snake? ………Oh come on. We’ve all done it.
June 30th, 2008 at 9:16 am
Brought a tear to my eye that did.
June 30th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Yes, it was nearly as moving as the where the hell is matt? video.
June 30th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Can someone help me out? How the FUCK to you get a picture into a Wordpress post. I have it uploaded, I’ve done it before, and I jsut can’seem to get it form the gallery ibto the post. There’s no button. It’s all so laborious, I don’t know, so much fiddling about.
June 30th, 2008 at 9:43 am
MOTHER IRELAND IS REARING THEM STILL….
June 30th, 2008 at 10:17 am
Oh God, help me, I’m all alone with Gluaistean!
June 30th, 2008 at 10:18 am
If fernando Torres asked me to suck his gozzy helmet I don;t think I could refuse.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:19 am
What if it was covered with Cristiano Ronaldo’s gozzy?
June 30th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Oh, that’s much better.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Oh this is tame, Jo. We’ve had worse than this in the past.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:31 am
this is outrageous – do the good and decent people of ireland know the depths that you sink to?
Shame and a hundred hail mary’s for you mister twenty
June 30th, 2008 at 10:32 am
What if it was covered with Cristiano Ronaldo’s gozzy?
You depsicable cunt.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:34 am
You’d still suck it, wouldn’t you?
June 30th, 2008 at 10:35 am
Torres is a legend all right. Looks like a girl, mind.
Now did anyone see this Dunphy / Giles sing-a-thon bit on Miriam ‘bucket fanny’ O’Callaghan’s show on Saturday night? They played clips of it on 98fm this am, it sounded utterly horrendous. Like years of decent punditry had been undone in seconds by Gilesy serenading Miriam.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:35 am
yes
June 30th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Now did anyone see this Dunphy / Giles sing-a-thon bit on Miriam ‘bucket fanny’ O’Callaghan’s show on Saturday night?
That’s a joke, right? They were singing?
June 30th, 2008 at 10:48 am
See now, that’s why I switch over the minute I see their grey, pitted, craggy faces. To avoid that sort of horror.
You sound traumatised, Sid.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:50 am
Jo – I am in shock – the thought of Ronaldo’s gozzy on Torres’s helmet – god fearing people, let us pray together, our time to repent is at hand. May the last women in church bolt the doors and slip her hand under me habit
June 30th, 2008 at 10:51 am
DREAM ON JO…
June 30th, 2008 at 10:52 am
That chat-show really shows ol’ Miriam up as the Auto-cue reader she really is.
Intelligent? Don’t make me laugh.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:54 am
MB – controversial!
June 30th, 2008 at 10:55 am
C’mon Jo. Don’t let GlueStain away with that.
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
June 30th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Controversial? I don’t think so.
It’s only a matter of time before she starts flashing her knickers at the camera. That is, if she’s not already doing it.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Ha! No I’ll leave G to his delusions of um, vast superiority?
Who knows, maybe he really is vastly superior, he’s sitting in a castle as we speak, owner of many multi-national corporations, with more Butlers than Twenty could shake… a stick at. And of course, his enormous tracts of land.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Every time a I read one of G’s posts, the heavens open and there’s a loud “HAWWWWW” and a clap of thunder.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Hmm, I shouldn’t really have capitalised ‘Butlers’. Unless he has his own private (though I find, substandard) chocolatiers.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Jesus Twenty, could you not find something else to write about on a Monday ! I fucking hate soccer. Overpaid, fucking nancy boys the lot of them.
But, on the positive side, the gap has gone from the top of the page. Made my day that has.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Kuranyi was hilarious, slaughtering people every side of him.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:46 am
Mossy – it’s mostly about spitting on your knob, the football content is minimal.
Kuranyi looks like he’d rape you in the face.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Soccer bores the arse off me… Precious little hair cuts running around trying to claim all the glory.
Hurling is a real man’s game. Boggers with sticks belting a hard ball around the place with unrivaled panache.
None of your Posh and Becks bollocks there.
June 30th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
best tournament in ages.
June 30th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
“Mossy – it’s mostly about spitting on your knob, the football content is minimal.”
I realise that – just did not want to comment on that aspect thanks.
June 30th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
twenty, with tomorrow being the D-day for L drivers, am hoping you’d fight our corner on the blog. what are we supposed to do to get to work when the transport system is less than adequate. Infact, there’s no bus route from my home to work.
Down the country where we are, there are ladies who drive so many miles to deliver meals on wheels to old folks and to care for them, what’s going to happen now? some people are waiting 3 months in the west of ireland for a call to sit the darn driving test and yet nothing.
i’ve been reading your post now for over two years and never posted, but ive decided to because this up-coming SHAMBLES affects me.
June 30th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
And there was me thinking that the primary purpose of having a car in the West of Ireland was to cruise on over to Castlebar for a swift bout of batty action
June 30th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Not much of a game to be honest but I did enjoy seeing that cunt Ballack lose another final.
I thought it was a very good game. Spain should have won about 4-0. Torres first trophy, now for the premiership next year.
And yeah ballack is a cunt
June 30th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
It’s going all ‘football-y’ again, which is totally gay!
June 30th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Is that why soccer players spit all the time, they’re practising missing their knoblets?
June 30th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Torres first trophy, now for the premiership next year.
He’s leaving Liverpool, is he?
June 30th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
ha ha, prick
June 30th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
heh
June 30th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
It’s about 16 or 17 minutes in. Click and despair.
http://www.rte.ie/tv/miriam/
June 30th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
I tried but I couldn’t. 10 seconds of Dunphy singing is quite enough for me.
June 30th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Torres could of course go to Chelsea and join Michael “the loser” Ballack who has now lost I think 2 x Euro championshio, 1 x world cup and 2 x champions league finals. Winner me arse!!
I though Kuranyi should have spent more time polishing his football skills than shaving – he looked fucking mad!! Well done Spain – footy as it is meant to be played.
June 30th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
You do a little spit?
Huh.
You do a little spit.
I thought the game was exciting. A good-looking game too. I was all about Jens Lehmann for a wee while, but then Ballack cut his eye, bled sexily and my head was turned, fickle wench that I am. Ballack played it a bit close to the bone in some of his tackles though and deserved his yellow card, so i went off him. And at the end, they had a shot of Lehmann giving the celebrating Spanish such a look of stone cold hate that I’ve gone right off him now too.
Torres was a piece of dynamite although, despite all the sweat and heart and soul I can’t find it in myself to swoon over him. Wha? People watch football for other reasons? He loped in front of that defender in about 2 strides to score after having ducked round behind him and before jumping over the goalie. Yeah, I thought it was dead exciting.