“Lads”, said Splodge, “if you had to kill one Euro 2008 presenter or pundit who would it be?”
“Easy”, said Jimmy the Bollix. “Mark Lawrenson. He sounds like a fucking hairdresser and I don’t know who it was that told him he was in any way funny because if I find out which cunt it was that encourages him to make those poxy ‘jokes’ I’ll kill him too. Someone needs to sit him down and say ‘Next time to you try to make a little quip or a play on words you’re fired. You’re about as funny as watching your kids being eaten by a bear’. But they won’t. And we’ll have to keep on listening to him so to spare the world I’d kill him. It’s almost a public service”.
“Yeah, I hate him”, said Stinking Pete, “but for me it’s got to be Jim Beglin. Where did you get that accent Jim? Is it Waterford? Is it Dublin? Is it UK media? Whatever it is you sound like a fucking bastard and if I got hold of you the first thing I’d do is reef the tongue out of your head before I kilt you”.
“Oooh mama”, said Lucky, “I’m a don’t know this one but I’ve a got to a choose the boring one who speak a like a the retard”.
“Graeme Souness?”
“No, the other one”.
“David Pleat?”
“No, is on a the BBC. He a played for hometown club and score lots of goals but he never a win a thing with them. You know a the team. The zebras who can’t a defend”.
“Ahh, Newcastle. Alan Shearer!”
“Yes, him. What a kind of hair he have?”
“He’s going bald”.
“Yes, the bald is not a big a problem but when you can’t a decide if you are a bald or a not a bald then you must a die. Having small bit of a wispy hair at the top is a fooling nobody. Either get a the wig or a shave it all off. Minchione!”
“For me it’s a no brainer”, I said. “Ray Houghton. He might have scored that goal against England that time but it’s time he became Scottish again. I’ve never heard so much unintelligble shite come out of one mouth before. It’s like he’s watching a completely different game to the rest of us. ‘Oh, definite contact there’ he’ll say and there would be no contact at all. Even in super slow motion he won’t change his mind when the replays show him to be utterly wrong. Again. Can’t stand him, the feckless little prick”.
“Dunphy for me”, said Ron. “It all goes back to that time he came in here demanding Bollinger and trying to tell me that Roy Keane was the greatest footballer of all time. Obviously he had the horn for Keane at that stage, what with writing his biography and all, but I wasn’t having that. Keane was a good player but he was no Pele, no Cruyff, Maradona or Ashley Grimes. Now look. Dunphy goes around slagging off Keane because he didn’t get the reacharound off him. Shitehawk”.
“Good call, Ron. What about you then, Splodge. Who would you kill?”
“Johnny Giles”.
“Johnny Giles? Why Johnny Giles? He’s one of the least offensive of them all, if you discount all those years he spent playing for Leeds”.
“Yeah, but he’s quite small and old now so it’d be easy”.
The memory of this one will keep me going the 2 weeks I’ll be away!
there was a mural on a wall near where I live that read, “Kill em all”….seems like fair comment to me……
go russia!
Just be grateful your not watching it in the states
Tommy Smith and some English git . BRUTAL !
Need to brush up my Spanish
Goooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllll !
You leave auld Tommy alone hi he’s from Dundalk and his one liners are legend.
Must admit that pair of ESPN dudes are real gobishites
Does any one else find George Hamilton’s commentary to be just a split second ahead of the play? He’s been doing it for years & I can’t figure out how.
The RTE guys have been waiting all their lives for some unknown super team from another time-dimension to come along and teach us all how proper soccer is really played. In the meantime they are forced to sit in a studio and get ever more depressed watching mere mortls dabbling at the game. Germany are poor, Italy are poor, Holland are porr. The Premiership is rubbish.Ronaldo is shite, Ronaldinho is shite, Vallack is shite, Lampard, Gerrard & eveyone else who plays for England is shite.
I feel sorry for them sometimes, having to spend night after night watching a sport they don’t enjoy.
“Holland are porr.”
That’s Graeme Souness talking.
I think Vallack is quality. He’s set the tournament on fire. Oh yes.
Where are you going, maggot? Thailand again?
Manuel – heh, that’d work all right.
He’s better than that uselesss gobshite Ballack anyway.
Fucking right. Sweaty faced cunt, Ballack is.
george hamilton – can’t listen to the fucker. thinks he’s great because he is good at pronouncing foreign names. when he goes off on one of his ‘epic narratives’ using dodgy links, dates, etc to make a speech towards the end of the match ‘in historic berne, where, this month, 221 years ago, the local mayor was defeated by a russian in the election’ etc., i just want to kill him.
the simple solution – the banter from the lads and as soon as the whistle blows, off to bbc or itv.
what about old ‘all ears’ Lineker, as dull as he is not charming
Ladies & Gentlemen, well fuck me. How did we get this far and not mention Gary Neville. Decent full back yes – but analyst no.
The perfect final panel I think would be Lineker, Hanson, Dunphy, Brady and the brilliant Martin O’ Neill. He’s the only one who talks sense…and Motty to do the commentary of course!!
And Michael Bollocks will get his comeuppance in the final I sincerely hope…
I would pay good money to see Souness murdered by rabid weasels. he is a hun cunt of the highest order. he was a shit footballer, shit manager and a shit pundit. Alan Shearer will implode anyway as his lack of charisma will turn into a black hole and suck him back into Geordie hell.
Kill liam brady – nothing really against him, he’s just so miserable he’d be grateful.
Lawro is only tolerable with Hanson & lineker. Totally agree with SG’s “watching RTE pundits and BBC commentators”.
Don’t like watching Lee Dixon flirt with that adrian fella, too creepy. Where’s Garth Crooks gone?
I don’t think that the American Pop Band famous for such hits as MMMBop are very good at soccer punditry, Hansen on the other hand is also not very good because he is a moany Scottish Cunt from Alloa with a scar received from playing a girls sport.
Ahhh, look at PP’s little Braveheart Mel Gibson. Cute!
I think there’s a lot to be say fo being able to pronounce Foreign names and places properly.
That goes for our professional ‘presenters’ too, like Gay (pah!) Byrne and Pat Kenny, who get all flustered and mess up their autocue overy time a vaguely unfamiliar word comes up. It’s your fucking job.
HAve you ever seen the American Pop badn famous for such hits as MMMBop doing soccer punditry? Shut the fuck up until you have.
Might I be as bold to suggest that faggot Ryle Nugent from the rugby to be strung up by his tiny little bollocks? Cunt that he is..
While I am at it. Jo, is that “fo” as in “Mofo” as our American/African cousins might say?
i met hanson (the band). i delivered their takeaways backstage at the ambassador a couple of years back. their manager made them all chip in cash and they didn’t throw me a tip. i didn’t mind because they were clearly broke.
I’m off to hob-nob with the arseocrockery in Jocklamd Twenty.
If you pardo the expression – no comments about George Michael’s member – I move i the best of circles.
Glad to see big-ears the crisp thief nominated !
Not a Gers fan PP ?
Happy Holdays Maggot, where are you off to. Nope, no Gers fans here.
The Kingdom PP – Great part of the world.
See y’all in a fortnight !
Might I be as bold to suggest that faggot Ryle Nugent from the rugby to be strung up by his tiny little bollocks? Cunt that he is..
Wrong game, brains.
Maggot If you are indeed off to Fife watch your fucking wallet, they are worse than scousers over there.
Somebody please kill Jimmy Mafuckingee. More “Rain Man” then “Memory Man” -
As long as they are only after my wallet PP and not my body!
Adonis – oops! Fo sho…
I don’t have an aerial yet..we’ll get there.
Euro 2008 is on radio5 for me…
This means that i am keen to see the removal of a pulse from stan “ulrika beater” collymore who is the dullest fuckwit on the radio and slimey Ian Wright who wants to be taken seriously.
You get Chris Waddle and Alan Green too. Pairocunts
Best Headline Ever:
“Famous Dogger Stan Collymore”
And the chant for all those football fans
“Wrights got a big fat wife,Wrights got a big fat wife etc etc “
If you pay no attention to the football you can avoid all these planks. Mind you, have you heard poor Timmy Henman doing analysis at Wimbledon this year? Poor Timmy.
Btw Twenty, this post is slid way down the page.
Btw Twenty, this post is slid way down the page.
Whaddya mean?
Oh Conan I hope you are not judging “Tiger” Tim, best known for his weak Miaow and rolling over and having his tummy tickled by an unseeded halfwit from Molvakia.
There’s a job going over at the Penguin factory Twenty with your name written all over it…
http://www.oxygen.ie/page/1640
CDrumm is right twenty, there’s a big expanse of white above the start of the text of the post – the margins are still in the right place, you just have to scroll down to get to the good stuff.
Underneath the title of the post? Can you show me a screenshot?
It looks normal to me.
Nice Penguin joke story.
I spent a year in Oz listening to that Tommy Smith cunt. OH.MY.FUCKING.GOD How, HOW did that man get that job? It’s beyond a joke.
Anyway, Beglin will always have a place in my heart for one quip he made.
Monaco V Liverpool(could have been united) in Monaco Beglin and Tyldesley talking about the Monaco stadium. Beglin comes out with this gem:
“At the end of the Day, Clive, this stadium’s a bit like 40 winks”
“…a bit of a kip”
Not under the title of the post – all hunkydory on the post page. On the home page there’s an expanse of white down as far as the end of the blogroll, and then the title and text of the pundit post starts.
I don’t know how to do screen shots. God I’m a joke.
I have no idea why that would happen. Any webxperts got any idea?
Working grand in IE for me.
One can never find a geek when one needs one.
The RTE pundits are excellent, don’t know why ye are all giving out, much better than the BBC shite, they did a film review at half time on one of their matches, hansen and that jug eared cunt can’t even talk about football for 15 straight minutes, fucking wankers I hate them so much
What browser are you using Random?
What about Billo. So, everyone loves cuddly Bill, punditry’s Parky. Absolutely right about Grumpy, the bitterest little man, him having the horn for Keano until recently when he called him rent a quote. But I wouldn’t kill him, fuckit he’s too funny, no it’s that wannanbe George Hamiliton, Ryle Nuggent and his bitch Tracy, now there’s a gruesome twosome worthy of cruelty. Wrong sport I know but……….
I do so enjoy Apres Match also. Though it can be hit and miss.
IE6 on XP, Twenty.
Hank – I do love the grumpy old man arguments the fella on RTE have, but it doesn’t count as punditry.
Last night was fucking funny when they lost the picture during the second half – Bill: “The pictures are gone right across Europe I am being told….” Dunphy – “No they’re not Bill, the BBC have it..” Brady – “It’s because we voted no to the Lisbon Treaty”…class
It’s more punditry than you’d get on BBC and don’t get me started on Sky and Jamie Redknapp showing off his bollocks with insightful comments like “top top player” Fuck off Jamie
I doooonnnnn’t liiiiiike it Biiillllllllll.
Brady’s Lisbon crack was pretty funny, Dunphy hasn’t been funny in ages. Who would have thought that would ever happen?
you are an other silly wanker and you think that you
know everything better,are you the good queer?you think
you are better cunt,well i would like to meet you
motherfucker.anytime and try to ban me is usless,
because i promise you that you are going to end outside
eddies rocketts in tallaght for mince meat.
your stallion.
Nailerzzzz? Is that you?
I see…
Sigh, football. You’re all off watching it in the evening, and then you talk about it during the day.
I will quietly wait until the world becomes a more entertaining place again.
Oh wait, that was exciting! How exactly does one sack a cock?
‘You’re fired, you stubby fucker – and you can take the rest of him with you when you go’.
I’d kill Jimmy Magee but I’d get that Wimbledon commentator to talk us through it with ooohs from the crowd.
only until sunday jo, then it’s back to soaps and big brother. fuck
“Oh wait, that was exciting! How exactly does one sack a cock?”
Take those bags and get the fuck out.
I’ve given up on tv for now. Even the film channels have nothing. Big brother? Feh. And I released myself from the soaps some years ago, never looked back – until that episode of HomeandAway where Sally was being offered the choice between life or death by an angel Tom – class. I never got to see what happened though.
Take those bags and get the fuck out.
Oh, good work. I’m cracking up.
queers,if you like to sack our big fat cocks ,the first
time is free,so hurry up.
What the hell version of The Apprentice are you two watching? “The Apprentice – Nights”!
Shh RN, don’t say it, it might come true
Corrie has its moments.
Do you get hate-mail, Twenty, or just the random comments?
Did Brian take you up on your request that he email you – are you still in correspondence?
I never watched Corrie, it was my Granny’s programme. But then I moved out and only had RTE one and two and I had to watch it. I did for years. Never looked back though.
gamimenoi poustides tsimpoukomanes vlakes irlandoi
pou exo gamisei tis manes olon sas parte mou polles
pipes.o gamias sas mazi me tous arapides pou sas gamane.
o epivitoras.
Your Stallion??????????????
Can anyone explain the gist of fatcocksackers rant – each line raises so many questions – Is it a humorous haiku?
Blogging in “tongues” wow
Haikus
are for cunts
5-7-5 Johnny5
You need to know what the form is before you buvert it.
if you are so cool explain to me,i am the rte commentator
get on rte i.e website that will solve all your problems.
by the way your finger is very small you must have a very
tight ashhole anytime i am availiable.tommy upfront
you middle and i end.
sounds good to me.stallion
Jaysus Twenty are you ok. FCS sounds like yer man the monk in The Da Vinci code….
Whhops, where did ‘buvert’ come from. Before you subvert it.
Please don’t patronise me, Jo.
The reason it was not in the form of haiku was because, as I said, haikus are for cunts.
It was a sonnet.
Does this mean they can play for Spain?
Wait what hang on…“i am the rte commentator”?
So is fatcocksacker george, bill, eamon, liam, johnny, or graham??? Oh Christ, it’s Kenny Cunningham.
Sorry. The link didn’t appear. Maybe this time.
http://www.reuters.com/article/scienceNews/idUSL256586320080625?feedType=RSS&feedName=scienceNews&rpc=22&sp=true
george hamilton,the seventh the mercyfull
a new loon… cool
Sorry Johnny5, it’s a beautiful sonnet.
Nice avatar, SG, but that’s just Grover, not SuperGrover?
fatcocksacker – This is’nt a dating site and If you’re the “End” I’m assuming you’d need a box to stand on ya shortarsed little prick.
So, why dont you fuck off back to whatever fetid little shithole your hairy mother dropped you in
yacuncha, can the apes now be included in the phrase ‘consenting adults’?
Jo, it’s a stepping stone to the dropping of the super. To be honest, I’m not all that super.
(i think you’re super)
You’re super enough.
Yacuncha – somebody must inform MonkeyBalls. All his years of flinging poo at the Spanish Parliment have finally payed off.
aw, shucks, you guys…
dessiegay,thank you for the comment i like your namexxxxx
No, no, it’s Dessie gee
heh
Right, that’s enough being pedantic.
Though now I have to write Grover instead of SG, which takes longer
:(
“where Sally was being offered the choice between life or death by an angel Tom – class. I never got to see what happened though.”
I never watch it but actually watched this one a few weeks ago. Can’t remember, think she chose to live. It was fucking weird though. I like Sally. She really grew into herself thank god coz she carrying those knockers around from far too young.
Ah thanks Fatcocksacker – we must meet up for an eddie rockets sometime
Dunphy. Explain to me how a below average player in a below average Millwall side, and a below average Ireland side nearly forty years back, can have expert status? You don’t see much of Harry Cripps on the BBC.
“Dunphy. Explain to me how a below average player in a below average Millwall side, and a below average Ireland side nearly forty years back, can have expert status?.”
Because he’s entertaining and that’s the only reason.
you must make sure that you are coming with an wide open
ashhole.your stallionxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
“where Sally was being offered the choice between life or death by an angel Tom – class. I never got to see what happened though.”
Like Mr Miyagi at the end of Karate Kid III?
I was worried to see her get so skinny. You need a bit of balance for boobs like hers. Still, she’s off to have some sort of career beyond Home and Away with them, it seems.
“Still, she’s off to have some sort of career beyond Home and Away with them, it seems.”
Ah no, our Sally? I thought she’d be off to feed babies with them.
Do you get hate-mail, Twenty, or just the random comments?
Very rarely actually.
““Still, she’s off to have some sort of career beyond Home and Away with them, it seems.””
No boob shots of her on Google it seems.
She’s a DJ on on e of the top Aussie stations nowadays.
Not to mention her homemade porno that was floating about for a bit…
How the fuck does one blog attract every lunatic in Ireland. has this one got a speech impediment or is an ashhole something my dad should have warned me about?
“Very rarely actually.”
Oh must have had the wrong address. Better nip out and find that homeless guy again, he was glad of the fiver.
20, this page is displayed all weirdly now, what’s happening? ps – prefer the original typeface
What’s weird about it?
Re:”Blog ahs slid down the page”
Maximize the window and the problen should be solved.(worked for me)
Now to fix my spelling…anyone??
Christ, I mean Twenty, the font’s enormous!
That’s what I thought….
“Maximize the window and the problen should be solved”
Eh, no it’s not. Perhaps it only works with problens, not problems?
Jesus , I feel like I am reading something by Glueface, your blog’s gone all shouty but in lowercase. it’s about 20pt font
Better?
can now read your blog from across the office. unfortunately, so can managers. bit more subtle please.
conan, what screen resolution are you working off?
AHHH Jaysus me eyes!
Something is a bit awry, double border on left and font is still large. Now I am in IE7 on XP. Have tried changing text sizes but looks fucked if you reduce it. I have tried on different resolution monitors but all looks odd.
Yep..sorry..only works on Problens..
“I have tried on different resolution monitors but all looks odd.”
You’ve been busy PP.
Fuck, Merrill Lynch have just complained to my boss about my skiving, wouldn’t mind but they are in the office next door. They like the cut of your blog however.
CHECK OUT HOW ANNOYING THIS IS, ISN’T IT REALLY ANNOYING?
strill grim – has doubled in size – just like my – oh forget it
Fuck off you cunts it should be normal sized now.
Re: blog sliding down the page – well it’s still doing it despite maximising the window, and the size of the text in the comment box as I’m typing this is ridiculous.
Can’t believe you’ve broken the internet Twenty.
“Fuck off you cunts it should be normal sized now.’
Oh man, my head’s fucked from this, I don’t what’s going on. The comment box type is huge.
Border is still fucked though, and is it fuck I am I am typing in A HUGE FUCKING FONT.
Std resolution, 1280 x 800, XP/IE6…
“Fuck off you cunts it should be normal sized now.”
I wish I could say that to my clients. Some day I will.
Font is normal now but the slidy down the page blog is still in full effect Boyiiieeee!!!
this FONT is big enough to be baptised in…
What border? Do an F5 refresh. Or something. No idea about the page slide thing.
That was funny, kind of like your mate driving into on coming traffic and freaking everyone out.
1280 x 800 is a spazzy resolution, 1280 x 1024 would be deemed normal, 1024 x 768 for technology retards and 800 x 600 for 1980s monitors. However, the resolution should not affect this, this is to quote my girlfriend “amateur hour coding”
mut be ie6 then. everything seems back to normal, or at least as normal as ever is around here
‘Tis a wordpress thingy, Twenty. On the latest version I have a site on wordpress.com that goes through the same thing for no reason. Luckily it’s only a private thing, but I definitely won’t be upgrading the version on my server.
I agree that you should not be using 24pt Lucida Grande. It looks crap.
It’s been normal for me all day. Only difference between this and the old way is smaller numbers in the post count and more green writing.
Dont know what you’ve done – but mine looks perfect
Cunt…
Sorry,it just hadnt been said in a while..
I’ve no interest in football, so I didn’t bother commenting or even reading this post until too late.
Can’t believe I missed fatcocksacker.
Damn!