It’s bread Jim, but not as we know it
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on June 23rd, 2008
I see Ireland is to host a Eucharistic congress in 2012.
I think I might go. Let’s face it, the Eucharist needs a bit of spicing up. It’s that same old rice paper crap for as long as I can remember and eventually people are going to get bored of it. It’s like going to McDonalds every day for your lunch and ordering the same thing. Sure, a Big Mac every now and again is fine if you like fake meat covered with some kind of foul jism and a slice of poxy pickle but variety is what you need.
By 2012 I reckon I could come up a whole range of delicious Eurcharists for the few hundred remaining practising catholics in Ireland to enjoy:
Garlic and Coriander Eucharist
Cajun Eucharist
Polish tapeworm and boiled cabbage Eucharist
Eurcharist filled with sherbert to make holy UFOs
The possibilities are endless. There’d be loads of competition too. Brennans, Johnston Mooney and O’Brien and Pat the Baker would all make their pitches, using their years of baking experience. But competition is good for the consumer and I welcome it in all its forms.
And if they’re really serious about getting people back to mass they need to do away with the old church design. Nobody wants to share an entire row with other people. They want their own table.
It might not go down well (no pun intended) with the priests but they should no longer be waited on hand on foot by pubescent lads. He can prep everything beforehand and the supple young altar boys can bring the tasty breads and a range of wines to people as they celebrate mass.
“Instead of the disgusting altar wine I think we’ll have a bottle of 1997 Chateau Neuf de Pape. And 4 goblets please. Amen!”
Evening mass on a Saturday would see a huge upsurge as lapsed believers got a good pray in and a few drinks before they went out on the pull.
“Dear Lord, we pray for all the sinners in the world, that hunger and war can be a thing of the past, and that Anto at table 6 can get at least a handjob off that young wan who works in 4 Dame Lane he’s been trying to chat up”.
Sometimes I think the Catholic church actually wants to die out. You just know they’d dismiss my ideas as ridiculous but Pope Tony Blair will listen in 2012.
I just know it.
Have you read “Pope Patrick” by Peter de Rosa ?
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:05 am
No
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:05 am
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Just looked it up on Amazon though. I think I may have to.
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:09 am
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He’s one hell of a high powered author - good book, great read. I give it a 5 Blowfly rating.
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:10 am
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heh, will check it out so. Now I must take Bastardface out for a knacker hunt and then sleep.
G’night.
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:14 am
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Oiche mhaith !
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:18 am
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Holy UFOs. Beatiful. Especially if the priest could hover them into the open waiting mouths of the faithful.
That sounds like Twenty’s kind of book alright.
Pope Twenty?
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:33 am
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Surely it’ll be Pope Major the Twentieth.
And new phrases will pop into common usage, like “Does the Pope shit in a plastic bag?”, and “Is that grizzly-looking yoke a Catholic?”
June 23rd, 2008 at 2:02 am
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Only a matter of time before the priest says “Regular or large”? “Would you like frys with that”? The Church has to move with the times too you know.
June 23rd, 2008 at 5:08 am
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the whole catholic thing would have a big re-birth if they would have a ” few” pints of arthur g instead of the altar wine , serve kebabs on the way out. I would deffo try it once
June 23rd, 2008 at 6:46 am
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AND YET THE CHURCH’S COFFERS CONTINUE TO OVERFLOW IN IRELAND AS THE ‘PLAIN PEOPLE’ STILL THINK THEY CAN BUY THEIR WAY OUT OF HELL WHILE IMPRESSING ‘THE NEIGHBORS’
YE HAVE THE CHURCH YE DESERVE!
June 23rd, 2008 at 7:03 am
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You’re a mad cunt, so you are.
June 23rd, 2008 at 8:17 am
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What colour do you associate with the Church. For me its a kind of tapioca thing
June 23rd, 2008 at 8:38 am
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You’re a mad cunt, so you are.
I’ll guess he lives in California.
June 23rd, 2008 at 8:44 am
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Could you make the Eucharist out of that Space Dust stuff that was around in the eighties, you know the shit that crackled in your mouth. That would certainly be interesting.
June 23rd, 2008 at 8:48 am
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beige linen wall hangings with the letter p sewn into them alongside really out-of-date speakers.
June 23rd, 2008 at 8:52 am
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drop of acid on each wafer would be just the job
June 23rd, 2008 at 8:55 am
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MISSOURI IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW
June 23rd, 2008 at 9:13 am
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Gluaistean, seriously, turn off the caps. You just come across like a loon.
June 23rd, 2008 at 9:31 am
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Maybe he’s deaf.
June 23rd, 2008 at 9:35 am
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Missouri Glaus?? The stubborn mule state, the “show me” state? I’ll bet you fit right in.
Watch it Maggot. Be careful what you say about the great state of California….or at least the northern half.
June 23rd, 2008 at 9:38 am
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I’m getting a message from the other side……. Is there a Lucy here? I’m feeling that…..that…. you are from Northern California!!! Am I right? Did the spirits correctly infrom me?
June 23rd, 2008 at 9:41 am
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Gluastean - If you’re in Missouri are you rolling home drunk from the pub to shout the odds on this blog. Fair play if you are and stick to your CAPS cos god forbid you IMPRESS anyone, especially the neighbours
June 23rd, 2008 at 9:59 am
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Ciabatta of Christ
Amen
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:24 am
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Bodegamass Twenty?
I’m sure the Alterboys would be glad of the chance to do a different type of grinding in the sacristy.
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:24 am
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Polish tapeworm?
Are we taking the body of Christ thing a bit far there, munching on the old P, Twenty?
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:25 am
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Sorry Lucy - California ( Callida fornax ) is beyond redemption if for no other reson that you have inflicted that grotesque Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger on me via your TV adverts. But did love San Francisco and Anchor Steam is the best beer I’ve ever tasted.
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:27 am
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Pope Tony Blair. Now there’s a very scary scenario. Would he be allowed to continue to shag cherie?
Pope Bertie would probably be worse though although Pope George Bush would probably start the religious war he tried to start as US President!
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:34 am
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There are many, many things that are the best to eat in California. Smoothies, sandwiches, burritos,peanut butter cups… sigh.
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:38 am
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Pope Bertie (the Turd) would revive the religious practice of selling indulgences.
The church’s attitude to confession would change too:
“Bless me father, for I have sinned.”
“What have you done, child?”
“I can’t remember.”
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:41 am
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Would he be allowed to continue to shag cherie?
Horrible thought Anto - shame on you, put me off my kit kat.
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:44 am
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Reckon Cherie Blair could fit 2 whole 4-finger Kit Kats in her superwide gob at one go?
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:51 am
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Heh, ‘I may have sinned, Fader, but I have no recollection of it’.
Tinman, I thought you were on holiday. I hope you’re not online on holiday!
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:54 am
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“Bless me father, for I have sinned.”
“What have you done, child?”
“I can’t remember.”
haha
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:59 am
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No Jo, I’m back today.
The comments I posted last week were the sad ones made on holiday.
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:07 am
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I loved this old joke… Priest giving out communion comes across a hot chic..
Body of Christ
Body of Christ
Body of Christ
Christ what a body
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:12 am
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sesame prawn eucharist… mmmmm
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:38 am
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What do they use in India ? Naan? Puri? Roti ? Chapati? A choice ?
China - Rice cakes in the rice areas and dumplings in wheat areas ?
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:44 am
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Priest giving out communion comes across a hot chic..
Unusual priest!
June 23rd, 2008 at 11:45 am
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how about two bits of eucharist with a bit of ice-cream in the middle?
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:00 pm
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Reckon Cherie Blair could fit 2 whole 4-finger Kit Kats in her superwide gob at one go?
sideways, no problem.
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:09 pm
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Hey yeah fucknuts, gimme a body of Christ on rye and hold the pickle.
Coming up
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:21 pm
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HOW DO YOU GET ON WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS ON THE COUNCIL ESTATE DESSIEGEE?
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:36 pm
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Jesus!
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:46 pm
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ever sit too long on the coins in your back pocket? now i have a euro-pain in the right cheek
June 23rd, 2008 at 3:23 pm
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Reckon Cherie Blair could fit 2 whole 4-finger Kit Kats in her superwide gob at one go?
I reckon, Maggot and Tinman, that Cherie coulc also accomodate a 4 bar kit kat in another orifice given she has had some many nippers - and probably sideways too!!!
June 23rd, 2008 at 3:57 pm
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“that Cherie coulc also accomodate a 4 bar kit kat in another orifice given she has had some many nippers - and probably sideways too!!!”
Toblerone too possibly and then pull it out really fast! Ha! that’s filthy.
June 23rd, 2008 at 4:18 pm
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Er, the wafers aren’t made from rice. By canon law, they have to be made
from a grain containing gluten, preferably wheat. Rice wafers would be a
big no-no. Pope Rat hates coeliacs.
June 23rd, 2008 at 4:28 pm
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Celia Larkin in Coeliac Calamity.
June 23rd, 2008 at 5:49 pm
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And here is your Host…..
June 23rd, 2008 at 5:49 pm
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Holy Holy Holy Lord
God of Power and Might
How on Earth you really
expect me to eat this fucking shite
Where is everyone, I’m all chatty now.
June 23rd, 2008 at 6:13 pm
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I reckon, Maggot and Tinman, that Cherie coulc also accomodate a 4 bar kit kat in another orifice given she has had some many nippers - and probably sideways too!!!
How did I become part of this conversation Anto?
And are you saying she had the nippers sideways? No wonder she always has the exprssion of a clown sitting on a cactus.
She must echo when she walks.
June 23rd, 2008 at 9:21 pm
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Why can’t we sing more?
I would go then..
June 24th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
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bugger, he took it down…
June 24th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
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I think I saw that last week, very funny
June 24th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
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