“Ron, a give a me two pinta the Guinness and a large a grappa”.
“What’s up, Lucky?”, I asked our Italian assassin chum as he pulled up a stool in Ron’s.
“You know I have a the power sperm and make Elisa all full with little Lucky?”
“Sure”
“Well, a today we go for a the scan”.
“Oh, is there a problem?”
“Yes, is a big a problem”.
“Oh no. Is it a hideously deformed mutant baby because your missus insists on smoking 40 Rothmans a day?”
“No, cazzo. Is a big problem because is not a one baby”
“Oh, your baby is in two parts? That is deformed”.
“Minchione, I a kill you, bastardbeard. Is not a one baby. Is not a two baby either. She’s a having piglets!”
“You mean triplets?”
“Yes, yes this. I’m a expect one baby. Is easy. Buy a the one baby bed, the one a baby trolley, the one a baby papoose. Now I’m a have to get three of everything”.
“Maybe they’ll be siamese triplets!”
“I’m a lucky but not a so lucky for this. Is illegal in a Ireland to sell baby on eBay?”
“Yes, only because you can’t send them by registered post”.
“Merda. I’m a like a my life normal and quiet. Now three a children in one go. What do I a do to deserve this?”
“Well, you do mercilessly kill people for a living.
“This is a true”.
“Well bad luck all the same. When is she due?”
“Is not a jew, is Roman catholic”.
“You fucking deserve piglets for that”.
No comment
Hey we’re not finished with the Muslim thread yet.
There it is again that 4pm tumbleweed thing, ooooooo. wooooooooh.
Tell Lucky the costs are only starting. I know a guy who decided with his missus to have one more kid to add to the three they already had. One set of triplets later they had to move house, buy a different car etc etc…
I have a small fish
Anto:That has made me laugh out loud… I take it his vasectamy went well then??
You could sense a joke starting with Lucky and his wife Elisa went…..
@OD Yup. Checked in day after he bought the new house…
Don’t know about tumbleweed, but I have my 4 o’clock shite and cup of tea daily. Like clockwork.
“but I have my 4 o’clock shite”
That reminds me…..
Bren, not at the same time?
Speaking of which, I used to share a house with a bloke who would bring coffee and a spliff to the jacks for a shite. Then he would leave the coffee mug with the butt floating in it on the jacks floor.
Dinner time?
SG – Nah, I make my deposit, stroll next door to the shop for a bar of chocolate, come back up and enjoy my tea.
I was wondering how long it was gonna take before someone turned the thread around to mention having a shit…
sg, at least it was only the butt he left in the coffee. stoners not renowned for clarity of thought
I usually wait till the Last word is on at 4.30.. i call it my Cooper Hooper…
Haha.
or maybe cooper pooper?
well it comes out of me hoop..so…
i’ll be back in 6-8 mins with a bit of luck…and a coat hanger..
Best I ever heard was a bloke sharing a house with a mate in London. He never used to come home for lunch but his mate did every day. So the one day he comes back home for lunch, he runs up the stairs dying for a piss. He burst into the jacks to find his mate sitting on the bog, newspaper laid out on the floor and him tucking into a big fry up sitting in his lap.
His answer…. “I only get half an hour”
“I was wondering how long it was gonna take before someone turned the thread around to mention having a shit…”
It’s the nearest us blokes are going to get to the joy of childbirth. I have had triplets too.
A mate of ours would rush home every day at lunch from school to have ‘a cup of tea’. We could never understand how someone could love tea so much. For years we’d be talking about Paddy and say “God he loves his aul’ tea” etc.
We’ve only recently found out all these years later he was leggin’ it home everyday to have good wank for himself.
How did you find out?
Jagermeister.
ha ha ha
He told us. We’re big and bold enough now to boast about that sort of carry on.
Got to love those Italians !
“ROME (Reuters) – An Italian man was arrested on suspicion of kidnapping his ex-girlfriend from a pub, taking her home and forcing her to iron his clothes and wash the dishes, police said on Monday.”
see link.
That’s pretty normal after a break up there, the Bonus Iron!
the piglets are going to destroy Lucky’s missus’ fanny , no wonder the killer is in a bad mood
kev – it works the other way – 2 or 3 little ones pop out easy – she’ll be washing dishes and ironing in no time, but one big one wreaks havoc exiting.
You think anyone in Ireland would be allowed give birth to triplets naturally? I don’t think so…
Are caesarians legal in ROI ? I thought the Church was dead set against them Jo – something to do with Macbeth.
Legal and very very popular, maggot.
I’m most amused at piglets and bastardbeard, btw.
Bastardbeard! I hope you overheard that one, in a big Italian accent, I’d be sad if it wasn’t real.
My friend who worked in an off licence was once threatened by a small child he’d refused to serve – ‘I’ll hit you so hard, you’ll wake up with a beard and a crowd arond you’. Brilliant.
And how can ANYONE eat while they’re going to the toilet?? Let alone a fry… I can’t even read about food. Bleh!
Oh wait – it was tampons Jo!
I still haven’t recovered from that pelvic floor shock on your blog.
How can anybody eat in the loo? It’s bad form to eat while smoking.
The more Italian blood in the system the better, they’ve a lot more flair on the ball & in the kitchen.
Pelvic floors are coe, maggot.
Ha, tampons, my mother said when she came here first in the sixties, she was afraid to bring them into the country! And I remember a babysitter telling us she remembers a nun from her convent school crying at the thought that any of her girls might be using tampons.
I have to say, it would take a virgin nun to come up with the idea that inserting a tampon is somehow pleasurable.
whoops, that should have been core, not coe.
I noticed that Twenty never replied to your concerned question about his prostate Jo.
Oh dear, maggot, you’ve been thinking about that for a while!
Without wishing to spark any further conversation about my insides but what about my prostate?
It’s alright, I don’t have psychic powers of prostate diagnosis (you sound worried), it was merely when you said you brushed your teeth/went for a wee, read your book then went for another wee… I feared it was too much weeing.
It’s to do with drinking beer before bedtime. I hope.
Hmm, between you drinking beer in bed and maggot smoking in bed, and people eating fries on the toilet, you men, you’re all a lot of scuzzbags.
Eating a fry on the bog is a bit too much, in fairness…
Not fair to either process…
A vicar once told me
” Look after your prostate and it’ll look after you”.
the only things that should be done on the toilet are: pooing and weeing; reading; and having a brilliant lightbulb idea
I should clarify that by lightbulb idea I mean inspired thinking. Not sticking lightbulbs up yer arse.
Crossword?
You probably shouldn’t stick them up your arse either.
I knew what you meant, because sticking light bulbs up your arse is really not a brilliant lightbulb idea.
Hee. Timing.
phone conversations ?
haha Jo, that reminds me of the cartoon Anamaniacs, they did a slot called ‘good idea, bad idea’. It was always v funny. I felt the need to clarify though because the boys around here tend to jump to the smutty side. Before you know it it’s the colour of their poo and butt plugs!
I remember the Animaniacs bit. Sometimes, unbidden, the theme song to ‘He’s not a man, he’s a chicken, boo’ just pops into my head.
Buttplugs, eh? I have a nasty feeling that might have been my fault…
Somebody should bring that back. I remember when kids’ cartoons used to be good. Now the preferred cartoon round here is Futurama.
Yes, buttplugs may well have been your fault!
Not Butt plugs!
Yes maggot – blame Jo
I’ve just discovered Flight of the Conchords on youtube – their Bowie song is hi-fuckin-larious!
Oh, I posted one of their songs on my blog after hearing it on Tony Fenton, meant to put it here too, I thought it would appeal to you all.
I was also looking for the REd Rooster podcasts from Red Fm – one really funny one – a prank call by a guy ringing up a random number and just saying ‘buttplug’ over and over, and hte guy on the other end just refused to accept that he was saying that. Hysterical. And the other was probably Adam Hills, about James Blunt. I’ll go do some Youtube research.
She has a lot to answer for Jus – have you seen her blog ? Pelvic floors and an outrageous self portrait.
I did wonder how late I was in discovering them! I think I’ve heard the James Blunt one, v funny. There’s a fella who needs a severe slapping. Can’t stand him.
Maggot, Jo may have a lot to answer for but she can’t take responsibility for all the crazy filth on here. You lot are well able to lead youselves on.
Oh maggot. Enough now.
Right, this is funny: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91h6WhFiAcY
And there seems to be a wealth of Blunt related humour there too.
http://my.break.com/content/view.aspx?ContentID=324804
I love the internet
oops, we can’t embed.
Flight of The Conchords: Think about it:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLEK0UZH4cs
Brilliant – junkies with monkey diseases! That’s my week gone now looking at them two on the tinternet.
I missed out on Big Train when it was on telly and caught up with it on youtube. Possibly the funniest thing ever!
I like the bit about if the children are making the sneakers why are they not cheaper, what are the overheads??
And of course, when they bring it down, and build it up. And then they stop.
Mrs is Italian. Not happy with your stereotyping, Twenty.
‘You wouldn’t do anything like that, would you dear?’
Oh no, not me…
…I’m too used to waking up next to a horses head.
Does she ever say Bastardbeard?
Now you come to mention it, Jo…..
you do mercilessly kill people for a living.
Hold on, from 31 January 2006
“Lucky Luciano, the compassionate assassin”
He would slay you in a second, maggot.
we maggots expect nothing else Twenty
I’ve often wordered if Twenty could be a man of the Cloth and a senior one to boot -
Primate of all Ireland ?
Boom Boom!