Ahmed, the crap Muslim
Posted on | June 16, 2008 | 101 Comments
Sitting on Ron’s on Sunday evening having our usual discussion of the week’s events. Stinking Pete was telling us why he voted YES for the Lisbon Treaty while Dave was intelligently and constructively countering his argument by sticking his tongue under his bottom lip, pushing it out and going ‘Mooooooonnnnngggg’.
We are a perspicacious bunch and no mistake. In the middle of this debate the door opened and in walked a fellow none of us had ever seen before. He was obviously a Muslim, what with his dark skin and his enormous beard and the fact he was wearing some kind of dress.
“Howya?!”, he smiled at Ron. “I’ll have a pint of Guinness and a double Jack Daniels”, he said before sitting down at the bar.
Ron gave him his drinks and we looked on, somewhat confused. We’d never had a Muslim in the bar before, mainly because they don’t drink. We carried on our conversation for a while and the lad at the bar ordered himself another round which he put back like a professional. Eventually curiosity got the better of Dirty Dave who wandered over, said hello then gave the beard a great tug.
“What are you doing?”, he said.
“Sorry, I just thought it was a fake beard”.
“Why would you think that?”
“Well, because you’re a Muslim and Muslims don’t drink so I figured you were a spoofer, like that bloke who pretends to be a taxi driver and films them as he takes them the wrong way”.
“I am a Muslim. I’m just crap at it”.
“What do you mean?”
“I find it very difficult to follow the tenets of my faith. I enjoy roast pork, I rarely get up and pray in the morning and fuck me I like a few pints. I figure that when people go to Muslim countries they have to play by the rules there so when I came to this country I thought I’d do exactly the same”.
“But you have the beard, that’s not crap”.
“Any old cunt can grow beard, like”.
“This is true, look at Twenty! Hahaha”.
So we invited him to sit with us and he got pissed and told us stories about his home land, far, far away where his father was a carpet salesman at a bazaar, his mother was downtrodden and his sister was stoned to death for talking to someone who was a Muslim but the wrong kind of Muslim (a bit like would happen here if your daughter was caught in conversation with someone from Leitrim). It was hilarious.
Old Jacob at the end of the bar wasn’t too pleased but he’s a grumpy cunt at the best of times.
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101 Responses to “Ahmed, the crap Muslim”
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June 16th, 2008 @ 9:07 am
Is Old Jacob jewish?
June 16th, 2008 @ 9:08 am
No, he’s a southern baptist.
June 16th, 2008 @ 9:09 am
Did you hear about the overweight Ayatollah?
He issued a thinwah.
June 16th, 2008 @ 9:14 am
I’m crap at being a Catholic.
June 16th, 2008 @ 9:16 am
Enjoy your holidays, Sam.
June 16th, 2008 @ 9:20 am
Did old Jacob not think it was gas?
June 16th, 2008 @ 9:22 am
Thanks, Twenty. I shall use the time to soberly reflect upon that last pitiful joke and vow never to tell it again.
June 16th, 2008 @ 9:24 am
I hope John follows your line of thinking problemchildbride.
June 16th, 2008 @ 9:25 am
So, Jacob’s Cream Crackers are Jewish knackers? Think I’d better get coffee…
June 16th, 2008 @ 9:42 am
I don’t really have anythinng to add to this post, so I will wait for the comments to go completely off-topic and then say something.
..about 10 minutes should do it.
June 16th, 2008 @ 9:51 am
I know of a Muslim family like this. One of the kids pretends to do Ramadan, gets lots of brownie points from his dad, then goes to work and eats giant breakfasts rolls. His mates have an incriminating photo of him at a festival with a sausage-inna-bun in one hand and a beer in the other.
Following up on the LAST post, I once went to buy a chocolate seahorse in Leonidas for my daughter, but embarrassed myself by asking for a chocoalte starfish by accident. Redner.
June 16th, 2008 @ 9:53 am
Tiocfaidh Allah.
June 16th, 2008 @ 9:56 am
Sam as in Sam Crea Twenty ?
I never liked him amyway !
Back to the blog – got to admire your bravery. Muslim fans of Damien Rice will not rest now until you are punished and it will be more than an Ash Tray this time round – and unlikely to be your eye that is assaulted.
June 16th, 2008 @ 9:57 am
Tiocfaidh Allah! Ha!
June 16th, 2008 @ 10:19 am
I’m crap at being twenty
June 16th, 2008 @ 10:20 am
Twenty is crap at being Twenty.
June 16th, 2008 @ 10:27 am
Sam as in problemchildbride, maggot.
I’m quite good at being me.
June 16th, 2008 @ 10:28 am
I’m quite good at being me.
You’re lucky, I guess it just comes naturally.
What a hero.
June 16th, 2008 @ 10:31 am
It’s hard work to make it come naturally though.
June 16th, 2008 @ 10:33 am
I’m reading The Book, Twenty. I finally bought it, having accepted that no-one was going to get me it as a present.
I was offered a loan of it but I nobly refused.
So far it’s a laugh, If it continues in similar vein I’ll review it in depth.
June 16th, 2008 @ 10:36 am
Damnation – I thought Sam Crea had gone too far and been banned.
Twenty – did you win an award for a blog about the famine, to the effect that it was caused by the memigrants tking spuds wit them for their journey across the Atlantic ? Damned if I can find it.
June 16th, 2008 @ 10:44 am
Cool, Jo. Hope you enjoy it.
Maggot, not sure that I did.
June 16th, 2008 @ 10:53 am
“memigrants”
Ah yes those.
June 16th, 2008 @ 10:53 am
I’ll keep looking!
Twenty Major cleaned up on the night, with his handler taking home awards for best blog, best blog post, and most humourous post. His goodie bag bulged with two iPods (one black, one pink) and a swish SonyEricsson W900i videophone for us to finally hear him podcast. At the ceremony, Twenty retired all words starting with the letter C.
when do we finally get to hear the podcast?
June 16th, 2008 @ 10:56 am
Heh, emmigrating potatoes is funny. A mass exodus causing a famine. ‘We want to be Smi-ith’s crisps, we want to be…’
I just read John Butler’s blog from the weekend Irish Times. You won’t like this Twenty – Kindle, electronic book reader! JB thinks it will make books obscolete like vinyl…
June 16th, 2008 @ 11:00 am
http://www.amazon.com/Kindle-Amazons-Wireless-Reading-Device/dp/B000FI73MA
June 16th, 2008 @ 11:02 am
Did you hear about the potato that died?
There was a big turnip at the funeral.
June 16th, 2008 @ 11:05 am
Heh
June 16th, 2008 @ 11:08 am
My God – in my continuing search for the famine post I stumbled across a picture of a semi-naked Twenty with a male friend! Check link!
June 16th, 2008 @ 11:10 am
Ha. In fairness, I don’t think Twenty so much implied it as… said it.
June 16th, 2008 @ 11:16 am
He takes a good picture though Jo, doesn’t he !
June 16th, 2008 @ 11:25 am
mm, very smooth.
June 16th, 2008 @ 11:54 am
Did he drive a Muslimousine?
Come on its monday morning…
I have a cold
June 16th, 2008 @ 11:55 am
Don’t be such a berk-a
June 16th, 2008 @ 11:56 am
There’s nothing funny about your daughter talking to somebody from Leitrim, even if she’s from leitrim herself.
June 16th, 2008 @ 12:27 pm
What a load of Shi’ite…
June 16th, 2008 @ 12:34 pm
ahmed obviously had a sunni disposition
June 16th, 2008 @ 12:35 pm
I’m talking to someone from Leitrim right now cos I’m very rebellious and all.
June 16th, 2008 @ 12:40 pm
Twenty I worked on an aircraft for the Libyian Aviation Authority in Zurich in 1985 during the western sanction period. Their government reps took us out for a night on the town. Believe me Muslims drink alcohol.
June 16th, 2008 @ 12:45 pm
Careful B’dum – That’s a very shallow gene pool you’re talkig to there. Youll be seeing your cousins in a different light before you know it
June 16th, 2008 @ 12:45 pm
I work with one now, when in Ireland it’s all bacon butties and beer, when he goes back to his mam in Manchester, he is very devout.
June 16th, 2008 @ 1:01 pm
Jo: Vinyl is far from obsolete.. anyone here still buy records at all?
I do myself as much as possible… (sorry for going off subject peeps)
I talked to someone from Leitrim once and i wanted to stone myself…
June 16th, 2008 @ 1:03 pm
Muslim women invented widescreen.
June 16th, 2008 @ 1:04 pm
Muslims don’t have hearts, just lumps of coal.
That’s a scientific fact, ask any doctor.
June 16th, 2008 @ 1:11 pm
I just had a bacon soda for lunch.
June 16th, 2008 @ 1:14 pm
I’m thinking of Converting to Islam, They get a half day on Friday and During Ramadan they get to leave work early. Also Imagine being able to make you girlfriend cover up in public, there would be no more slagging when you ended up with the ugly bird.
June 16th, 2008 @ 1:20 pm
wouldn’t everyone just assume that you ended up with the ugly bird anyway?
June 16th, 2008 @ 1:20 pm
I enthusiastically bought records til I was out of college – rejected the cd player… not anymore though. I bought a new record player some years ago for the husband who has a huge collectin, but we never listen. Not that we listen to music much at all anymore. It’s depressing.
June 16th, 2008 @ 1:21 pm
Heh, no music, the fact that we don’t. I sounded like a wierdo there for a second :)
June 16th, 2008 @ 1:22 pm
not music even. Gah!
June 16th, 2008 @ 1:24 pm
Knowing MacDara ( bertie-fan!) it would be a bloke in the Burqa!
June 16th, 2008 @ 1:41 pm
I was depressed over the weekend so I phoned the samaritans. Imagine my shock when I got through to a Pakistani call centre and when I told them I was feeling suicidal they asked me if I could drive a bus.
June 16th, 2008 @ 1:45 pm
Old Jacob was grumpy because today is Bloom’s Day and you people are going on about non-Blooms.
June 16th, 2008 @ 1:45 pm
I’m from Longford, Dessiegee… so they probably are one of my cousins too.
June 16th, 2008 @ 1:52 pm
Certain fundamentalists tried it on in Australia with no luck. Maybe the Irish establishment should take heed and grow some liathrods.
June 16th, 2008 @ 1:54 pm
Jo: Got there in the end :)
The downide of the vinyl is having to build an extension on ot the house to store the fuckers…
June 16th, 2008 @ 1:55 pm
downside…
June 16th, 2008 @ 1:59 pm
You wouldn’t be donating a lung by anychance OD? ;)
June 16th, 2008 @ 2:03 pm
“Certain fundamentalists tried it on in Australia with no luck. Maybe the Irish establishment should take heed and grow some liathrods.”
Tried what on?
There’s no problem with fundamentalist Muslims in Ireland because we’re not all fucking paranoid about them and we have developed thought processes. It’s fundamentalist Christians I’d be more concerned about. You’d want to read some of the shit they come out with.
June 16th, 2008 @ 2:04 pm
Anyway….
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7456051.stm
June 16th, 2008 @ 2:04 pm
Allah Akbarfly?
June 16th, 2008 @ 2:10 pm
Benjamin: Nope but i could maybe do a swap for a liver if you are interested?
June 16th, 2008 @ 2:14 pm
Ah, if you didn’t get what I was hinting at then I’m probably barking up the wrong tree…
June 16th, 2008 @ 2:17 pm
Sorry ,tis monday and brain does not usually engage till about thursday afternoon…
June 16th, 2008 @ 2:19 pm
I just noticed you mention collecting records, donating organs, and a Kerryini connection and thought I might know you.
June 16th, 2008 @ 2:20 pm
Read HM’s link in comment 60, it’s hysterical. Suddenly I’d love to have that job.
June 16th, 2008 @ 2:22 pm
Well you might then ,i do know the Kerrynini boys and i do play in a well known Laneway situated hostelry in Limerick town..
June 16th, 2008 @ 2:48 pm
Cool, was thinking of the Lung Donors.
June 16th, 2008 @ 2:53 pm
ah yes,thats what i suspected..its hard to keep up with their many alias’s sometimes..
June 16th, 2008 @ 2:54 pm
He said, Sittin on Ron’s.. he he, he!
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:05 pm
OD – great music all the same.
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:09 pm
Oh yes..definitely!
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:21 pm
Comment 60, Tinman? No way, that’s sad! The poor man. I’m scared of you now, you homicidal (canicidal?) streetsweeper.
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:21 pm
Absolutely completely off topic but i thought i’d throw it up here anyway…
For anyone that ever saw him play live or listened to his albums
http://themusicsover.wordpress.com/2008/06/15/rip-esborn-svensson-june-14-2008-renowned-swedish-jazz-pianist/#comment-193
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:23 pm
Fantastic news, OD. One less jazz musician in the world.
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:25 pm
Twenty you truly are a Palestine! (sic)
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:26 pm
Was waiting for that you complete cunt ;)
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:26 pm
Holemaster – I don’t know about the fundamentalist Islam fearmongering. Should it be dismissed as just that? I saw that Channel Four despatches programme and it was fairly scary.
Fundamentalist Muslims have Saudi Arabia behind them, whereas Fundamentalist Christians have… Alabama?
It’s nice how fundamentalist breaks down into Fund-a-mentalist, isn’t it?
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:29 pm
“It’s nice how fundamentalist breaks down into Fund-a-mentalist, isn’t it?”
Ah hah.
I’m a hopeless optimist Jo. But the ultra-right Christians have more than Alabama I think, they have a chunk of the US behind them if push came to shove.
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:30 pm
If it was Phil Collins now.there’d probably be a 1000word eugoogly….
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:31 pm
Of course, but it seems preposterous that it would. Whereas Muslim influence in the UK seems more realistic, less comic book. But who knows?
Plus, presumably the majority od Muslims who live in the West like it the way it is.
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:36 pm
Musolics. Cathlisms. Prodeslam, Christiaslamy.
Just trying out an idea.
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:36 pm
Plus, presumably the majority od Muslims who live in the West like it the way it is.
Perhaps. But I think some of them just like the wealth, but then see us as wicked and corrupt.
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:37 pm
Bastards!
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:38 pm
“It’s nice how fundamentalist breaks down into Fund-a-mentalist, isn’t it?”
Ah hah.
I’m a hopeless optimist Jo. But the ultra-right Christians have more than Alabama I think, they have a chunk of the US behind them if push came to shove.
Their current President is a fundemantalist Christian.
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:41 pm
True, of course, but he’s a bit of a laughing stock. Still, they’ll vote Republican agian instead of voting for a negro, sigh.
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:45 pm
I hope Oven Chips doesn’t get voted in. I much prefer Fried Chicken.
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:49 pm
Speaking of chips ( I think I’ve got this right), did you see when Gore was running , the Republicans stopped using Heinz ketchup on their Freedom fries as his wife is a Heinz and they didn’t want to be contributing to the Campaign.
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:53 pm
Jesus!…. Or Jehovah.
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:55 pm
Thats like when the canteen/resturaunt in Congress stopped using French’s mustard when France would not support the war in Iraq.. French’s being an American company… Fucking Handycaps
June 16th, 2008 @ 3:57 pm
They are the fuckin stupidest (oh that’s a word?). But we’re all going to be like them eventually because our lifestyles are becoming more and more similar… Work, earn, spend, consume, believe, don’t question.
June 16th, 2008 @ 4:02 pm
Hang on there Holemaster and i put on a Rage Against the Machine album and dust off a Che Guevarra t-shirt…
June 16th, 2008 @ 4:05 pm
Heh.
June 16th, 2008 @ 4:29 pm
My Internet connection has been down all day, so I’m a bit late with this.
(Not suitable for work anyway)
Scroll down to the bottom of this page http://tinyurl.com/5vhuls for a clip from The Onion Movie about Bad Muslims.
June 16th, 2008 @ 4:37 pm
MB:Got the movie off a mate at the weekend..Fuckin priceless..
June 16th, 2008 @ 6:05 pm
We had a guy over for dinner at the weekend who was raised as a muslim. He drank a half bottle of Stoli and moved on to red wine while he told us of his grandfather who was an imam and was chased from the mosque for the bottle of booze that fell from his robes.
June 16th, 2008 @ 6:52 pm
Hmmm.
June 16th, 2008 @ 7:34 pm
Jo: Kerry’s wife is Teresa Heinz, not Gore.
Gore’s wife is the infamous Tipper Gore, known for wanting to censor music lyrics, TV and the Internet (which her husband claimed to have invented.)
Teresa is Franco-Jewish from South Africa.
June 16th, 2008 @ 8:08 pm
He was a crap muslim too, Medbh
June 16th, 2008 @ 9:22 pm
Yacuncha, thanks for that – the scary part is, I knew there was something wrong but I couldn’t put my finger on it. No Brain At All.
June 21st, 2008 @ 4:28 pm
Multicultural awareness and respect 101