I’m feeling a bit squished by time at the moment. There just aren’t enough hours in the day.
If I won the Lotto I’d have enough hours but sadly that joy will fall to some 91 year old Mayo farmer and his 87 year old wife who will say “It won’t change us. I’m still going to get up a 4am to wank the cows”.
I think the day should probably have 26.5 hours. It would give you an extra hour in the bed in the morning, for a start, then another 1.5 hours during the day to get that bit more work in. I came out of Ron’s last night at 10.15 and it was so bright it might as well have been 8.45. Nobody would know the difference if you lashed another 90 minutes onto each day.
Sure, your birthday might take a bit longer to come around but nobody cares about birthdays anymore. For my last birthday I got a soap on a rope and some chicken wings. I have a friend who’s having his birthday this week and I’m going to get him a sandwich and a 3-pack of Reebok sports socks. What do you get the man who has everything? I have no idea. My friend doesn’t have everything but he certainly doesn’t have a sandwich and a 3-pack of Reebok sports socks.
Getting up horribly early is much easier in the summer. The sun comes up at a stupid time so you often think it’s much later than it actually is.
I would like a coffee making robot though. The worst part about getting up is having to make coffee. Not Nescafé or Kenco with that woman who shags all the plantation owners (I’d love to own a plantation by the way, it’d be awesome), but real coffee where you have to wait and put the plunger thing down really slowly. Putting plungers down slowly is a pain in the arse. That’s why if I had a robot who, at the push of a button, would make a pot of coffee I could get up 10 minutes later and be much, much happier in the mornings.
Robot manufacturers are lazy cunts. There’s no reason why a coffee making robot should be difficult in this day and age.
No doubt major corporations are behind this. Fucking Maxwell House. I hope all their children get raped by an angry gnu.
You’re confusing me Twenty. I’m about to go to bed on what I consider to be the 9th of June.
It’s post midnight. Hard luck.
What do you get the man who has everything? A Soap on a Rope obviously.
And I bought some steak from Superquinn the other day and when I cooked it tonight it was gone off even though the date said tomorrow. Or today now.
Bastardface ate well last night
What about one of the new Nescafé machines, you buy these little sachet things in Brown Thomas for 37 cent a piece, pop them in the Nescafe machine and it makes a really good cup of coffee. I think they are about 350 dollars.
Is it a robot though? Is it?
Does it go ‘iggy-biggy-biggy Twenty, here’s your coffee?’
I wonder if you can get one that talks. To Google…..
Twenty Major and a plantation.
There’s a book there somewhere.
Nonny – why the fuck would I want a robot that talks to Google? I want one that informs me when my coffee is ready then keeps its mouth shut.
Darragh – have you hacked into my computer? Twenty and the Pickaninnies is almost finished.
Shut up you little smart arse. I couldn’t find one, I am quite suprised though I thought you would have got a talking coffee machine handy enough wouldn’t ye. Just by a Nescafe one.
Well that’s whole point of the post, isn’t it? If you could go to Switzers tomorrow and buy one I’d do just that.
“Switzers” – you are not that old. I’m gonna find one!
found one, http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=nsn6-Ziu_HM
Twenty, stop teasing us with your talk of bright summer Dublin nights. We’re freezin’ in the dark down under at the moment. Had to dodge a frickin’ tornedo on the way to work yesterday. Re your coffee, maybe this fella can help?
http://www.singsnap.com/snap/watchAndListen/play/b2c05098
I must say Nonny, I was deeply disappointed with that so-called “Coffee-Making Robot” of yours.
For a start, it looked like an animation rather than a real robot.
Secondly, he was too slow. That coffee would be cold by the time you got it off him.
Most importantly though, when he was putting hot water in the glass, why did he not use a ‘Metal Mickey’ of some sort for comedy value? They’d fly off the shelves.
Fuckin’ lazy programmers!
Did I mention my new blog?
That ‘tornedo’ dodger Singstrap seems to be well clued-up on your musical taste Twenty. One for the MP4 Player, methinks.
there was a machine on the market about 40 years ago called the ” goblin teasmade ” , fill the fucker up with water before you go to bed , it woke you up with a good morning greeting and told you the tea is ready, if that was possible in the early 70′s surely a polite coffee robot would be a piece of piss for the boffins to create.
Major, you need one of these. And a magpie one too, possibly.
Poo.
One of These
hah, I hate owls.
It’s an oldie but – What do ypu get the man who has everything?
Penicillin!
“Robot manufacturers are lazy cunts”
Does this not strike you as somewhat ironic from a man who can’t be fucked pushing down a plunger?
I remember when it was illegal to drink coffee in this country unless you wore deck shoes and were called Fiachra.
Happier days, when we all drank “a sup of aul tae”
Man, if you can’t find time in your life to make a decent cup of coffee, something is badly wrong.
Fuck robots, you don’t need them.
Just reorganise a bit.
No offense, but you don’t come exactly across as a stressed executive with family commitments.
Rob, you forget Twenty is a sunglasses on the head, jumper on shoulders kind of fucker. A cup of tea would be very working class, when he can have freshly ground coffee and a danish whilst checking his hedge funds on his I-Phone
Girl in work the other day told me she hasn’t time for cooking fresh food.
Never misses Corrie, Eastenders, etc. all the same.
Weird.
Twenty, do gnus have a history of rape?
A wank robot could have you 6 minutes four times a day. You’d have to be careful to to get addicted though.
I’ll re-type that… A wank robot could Save you 6 minutes, four times a day. You’d have to be careful NOT to get addicted though.
I think the solution is to train the magpie to be your coffee servant.
Or a coffee version of Mrs Doyle – ‘Maybe I like the misery’.
OR you could get an adoring Twenty groupie girlfriend, to lovingly and suggestively plunge your coffee every morning, while wearing nothing but one of your shirts with the collar turned up, and some pearl earrings.
Sadly I’m the coffee making robot in my house.
Pish, I will cut you.
English Mum – I’ll pay you 12 farthings a week to be my coffee making robot.
should move to mercury – each day is 58 days long, your coffee would be a nice 400 degrees every morning, and nasa will eventually send you some nice robots for free
Should we all get English Mums ?
Irish Mums dont make coffee. They beat you with the leg of last nights left over ham to get out of the bed.
And they wonder why Irish men drink so much
I have a few coffee making robots but they’re all in the attic, used them once then that was it.
My local coffee shop has several attractive CMRs. They smile and say hello in several different accents each day and look very pleasant.
Done. I’m not sure about the whole wearing one of your shirts with the collar up and a pair of pearl earrings thing though. I turn out a mean espresso whilst wearing me jimjams mainly.
What are you going to cut me with, your pearl handled pastry fork or the umbrella from your strawberry daquiri
Twenty – why not get yourself a “wife” ?
I mean, The Bishop of Galway had one.
I think he can buy one off the web for about $200, at that price he could get one for coffee making, one for cooking, one for feeding the animals and another for mixing his martinis and knotting his jumper in a casual but somehow poncey way.
well, this link will sort him out
“OR you could get an adoring Twenty groupie girlfriend, to lovingly and suggestively plunge your coffee every morning, while wearing nothing but one of your shirts with the collar turned up, and some pearl earrings.”
With a matching pearl necklace.
Twenty, Have you thought about a tobacco plantation?
we should get Johnny 5 to build one. I bet he could, you know .The big nerd.
I wonder if Renate Blauel is still available ?
An electric coffee maker, set up the night before, plugged into one of those timer plugs set for when you want it in the morning. Not a robot but minimal electronics to go wrong.
Oh, and stir before you plunge, than you can plunge faster… ahem…
I can’t believe I just clicked on a mail order bride link. I was expecting something more imaginative, maggot.
I have often wished for extra hours in the day, but I want everything else to be frozen, so I can sleep and sleep and then do the things I have to do and then just have a nice day.
I leave the filthy links to others Jo – I’m trying to help the poor man! It’s time he settled down wih a wife and raised a family. Ireland needs more Majors to improve the quality of the gene pool.
Coffee is fucking disgusting. A cunts drink if ever there was one.
we should get Johnny 5 to build one. I bet he could, you know .The big nerd.
Fuck you, you cunt. I bet you drive a little gay scooter, don’t you?
I heard Johnny5 is now Nailerzz bitch!
Irish Mums dont make coffee. They beat you with the leg of last nights left over ham to get out of the bed.
And they wonder why Irish men drink so much
That’s so funny.
Does anyone remember their mother calling them up for school, and just being filled with a ridiculous amount or irritation and fury at the sound of her perfectly pleasant request? Jason Byrne did a good bit on that, about screaming FUUUUUCK OFFF into the pillow.
Coffee is fucking disgusting. A cunts drink if ever there was one.
Could also be phrased as “I don’t like coffee”??
Cunt.
It’s one of those interesting things about Irish Society – for all the talk of it being patriarchal, the Mammy ruled the roost.
No fucker in this country drank coffee ten years ago. Why all of a sudden is every fuckhead in every no mark town sipping their double shot skinny lattés and iced frappacinos? Because they’re pretentious shitheads and more importantly CUNTs of the highest order.
Have a cup of tea you fucking bennys
Bewleys coffee shop was founded in 1764 Nailerzz’s bitch!
I don’t know SG, the whole American, Starbucks culture pisses me off, as do people who brag about their caffeine addiction in an adolescent way, ‘I’m shaking, I’ve had so much coffee, I can’t do anything in the morning before I’ve had my coffee, my kids know not to talk to me in the morning until I’ve had my first coffee’. And walking around with cups of it, or driving to work with it in those thermos cups.
And all the KIDS drinking it now.
Fucking stupid, affected crap. I say.
Plus, it’s got something like 400 known carcinogens per cup from all the pesticides they use. Bleh.
I like nice cup of coffee now and again, preferably something frothy and fancy looking, but as a habit I’m happy to do without it.
J5 – would the plural of benny not be bennies?
Drank coffe for years. Still do. Great stuff.
Never ever drink “double shot skinny lattés and iced frappacinos”. Just good coffee.
I have never met anyone who drinks that type of thing. It’s all in your head.
Bovril would do you a power of good Jo!
Sadly the mamies internalised male values though, and forced them on their daughters. So our matriarchal rule is a bit off.
I blame Catholicism.
Oops, mammies, not mamies.
Bovril, maggot? How exactly, would it do me good? :)
I blame Catholicism.
No comment.
Jo, if that culture exists I haven’t experienced it.
Poor old J5 is just having a fight with the other side of his head and I am supposed to be chastened because I like coffee. A lot.
He suggests we have tea. Fair enough, work away. But I’m not going to generalise and froth at the mouth about old ladies and vicars.
How do we all feel about smoothies?
Bovril would put some balance in your diet and hairs on your chest. And it’s a green option – otherwise those TB cows would be wasted!
I hope you’re right SG! I think the fact that Starbucks is here is a bad sign, however.
“How do we all feel about smoothies?”
They’re ok. It’s fruit. Fruit’s ok. And no, I don’t belong to a smoothie culture. Or generation. Or think they’re cool. They’re fruit. Not bad.
ha, maggot, I was going to make comments about CJD and whether it would put hairs on my chest, but thought better of both, for some reason.
Starbucks is not a place I would frequent. Mainly because my home-made coffee is the best I’ve had outside of Italy and also I’m a scabby cunt.
While I’m feeling uppity about it – the tea here is shite too. Teabags are sachets of dust. Make the effort, get a teapot, buy some decent tea.
You’re touchy this morning SuperGrover. Is it because you haven’t had enough cofee?
Also, the mugs are pint-sized and everything is incredibly fattening and cream filled.
My parents used to use a hand Grinder that bolted to the edge of the table. I’mgine that Twenty, if you ahd to grind it first before plunging it.
I’ve never been a big fan of tea, it infuriates my Irish mammy mother in law. But I recently discovered Redbush tea, and now I understand that ooooo what a lovely cup of tea feeling.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Ready to laugh at /with saps again.
SG – The coffee coinesseur.
You’re worse than a Starbucks kid
people who brag about their caffeine addiction in an adolescent way
yeah, my girlfriends college friends always do that, pisses me off.
Although back in the day when I was about 17 I was probably like that with alcohol.
Tea kicks the ass of coffee, coffee always leaves a foul taste in my mouth afterwards. (that said I did just drink a cup of coffee)
“Ireland needs more Majors to improve the quality of the gene pool.”
And to increase the sales of Ralph Laren and pringle sweaters.
As to the coffee/tea argument both equally good, smoothies are an Australian import so probably a load of wank, just eat an apple.
You don’t have a girlfriend, morgor, you ugly prick.
Yes I do, her name is Angelina and she visits in my dreams.
No, PP, there’s lots of stuff about how juice enters the system directly and is more good for you – htough you do lose the fibre, it’s true. An Australian import? Really? I had one for the first time in California about 17 years ago.
Johnny 5 and his impotent rage, eh? Could he be Robert De Niro?
“SG – The coffee coinesseur.
You’re worse than a Starbucks kid”
Nah – I’m done now. Can’t be bothered taking the bait.
Is Johhny 5 really just the name MonkeyBalls uses when he knows he’s not in top form?
The quality of slagging is poor in the extreme.
So morgor, I relayed your music thieving proclivities to my husband who suggested you can buy a cd for your own good. ‘I’ve got 3,000 songs on my Ipod’. ‘Have you? Good for you. Have you listened to any of them? No? Put on a fucking cd!’
he said, or something to that effect.
I agree, SG – he’s not on form today. Wear trousers, do you? You trouser wearing cunt.
And what about when someone’s been drinking coffee and then they breathe on you. Ew.
Yes! That sweet stale smell! But I wonder if that’s only from instant?
“while wearing nothing but one of your shirts with the collar turned up, and some pearl earrings”
Wow Jo, what a lovely image to start the morning on.
Yep. Instant only. Yecccchhh. That shit stinks.
English Mum, are you part of that whole “retro is sooo cool” instant coffee drinking culture that i’ve just imagined and got riled up about?
PS – As a new (?) visitor, you get a ;-)
Johnny 5 and his impotent rage, eh?
Hehe, I imagine him as a primordial dwarf screaming his high-pitched rage to the heavens.
Put on a fucking cd!
meh, cd’s are going the way of tape cassettes.
I’ve got plenty of albums that I really want to listen to but haven’t gotten the chance to yet.
“Wow Jo, what a lovely image to start the morning on.”
Yeah, nice one, Jo. I could actually see your lightly tanned arse crease just below the tail of the shirt.
I don’t like coffee, I’m not anti-coffee, but I am annoyed at the coffee culture where everyone acts like their in Seinfeld about it.
It’s a fucking beverage people, lighten up. If you want a great off-putting experience, ask for tea in america and sit back and listen to them regale you with the 97 flavoured drinks with “tea” on the end.
Then take a deep breath and say
“No, I want tea, as in hot water and a bag of leaves, which tastes like tea, with a hint of indian sub-continental sandal”
Coffee and tea have their own times and strengths and weaknesses. Need to wake up/end hang over/waste time at work – coffee; chilled out brekkie – tea. That said, few things can beat plunge pot of coffee and the sunday papers in the garden.
I like my coffee breath.
I know she isn’t, because I’ve been to her blog, but it would be funny if English Mum was London Tim’s mum.
their = they’re (sorry I haven’t had my tea)
Not my arse, SG, my groupie days are over.
Morgor, I bet you’d listen to them if they were on cd…
I have much cakey goodness left over from sunday – I wish I could give you some, but you’re a bit far away.
Sorry Jo. I just meant the arse in the image in my head. Maybe a Freudian slip but porobably just a phrasing issue.
SG: Nah, can’t stand the stuff. But I still make it for my other half cos that’s the kind of nice gal I am.
“How do we all feel about smoothies?”
Smoothies are good, healthy and all that, no real problem with them as long as they don’t become a fashion accessory or so big you have to carry them rather than hold them.
I bet you’d listen to them if they were on cd
The cd player I have is 9 years old and sits on the counter in the kitchen. I haven’t put on a cd in weeks. (last one was turin brakes i think, which i burned from my pc)
as long as they don’t become a fashion accessory
like riverrock water, it’s even their advertising slogan
“it’s water you wear!”.
What a bunch of absolute felchers.
Smoothies are bent. Mainly because of the ridiculous fucking price of them in those ridiculous fucking smoothy bars.
Hey J5, get a load of this….
I love wearing pink A&Fitch T-Shirts with the V neck cutting out some of the letters.
And the letters looks like they’re made of card and stuck on.
And I wear my shades on my head.
And I drive a mini cooper.
And I won’t get out of your way in a pub.
And I also wear sneakers that look like a pair of hamsters peeping out from under my Tommys.
And I can’t function without my Double Shot Tall Skinny No Foam.
And I think Dubai is cool, probably get married there.
How much do you hate me now Johnny 5? Yeah? Come on, RARRRRR!
“What a bunch of absolute felchers.”
I can still remember my utter shock and revulsion at finding out what felching was.
If I had known you were so sensitive about your coffee habit I wouldn’t have opened my mouth, SG. Well done though, you defended your beans heroically.
Is there anything else I should know about? I wouldn’t want to make inappropriate remarks about Toblerones or Pot Noodles in case you turn in a blubbering mess again.
J5, as they say in Starbucks – whatEVER!!
Holemaster, How could I hate someone I clearly have so much in common with?
Don’t get married in Dubai though. It’s too hot. You’ll have big sweat patches under your arms and your Bride’s clunge will whiff like the end of Moore Street at 7AM on a Saturday morning.
Smoothies are bent.
This.
Coffee is awesome. Anyone who doesn’t like coffee is worse than the smegma Johnny 5 puts in his tea.
I know, SG. sure I work in Starbucks. I’m using the WiFi on my Powerbook to post from work.
I’d rather suck an incredibly lumpy smoothie up my hole through a straw than be seen drinking coffee.
Coffee is awesome
You must be part american twenty.
High five?
nice italic / bold work there morgor
Iris Robinson is going to cure all the people in the Six Counties of their Queer ways, and when she has done that she is going to set out to prove that the Earth is flat..with the help of God of course.. she says she read it in a book?
Johnny 5 must be part American too, he’s an advocate of Smoothie colonic irrigation.
I think this is what you’relooking for Twenty. From AI Robotics. Called the perfect woman. If you look at the order form you can order her with Formal, Casual or Sexy attire.
http://www.perfect-woman.com/en/
Cwawfeeee
Fuck Starbucks. I know a very irritating American Irish women who loves it. She is Irish and has never lived in the States, yet she says cell phone, stationwagon and sidewalk. Now that used to be a thing on the southside about the mid 1980s when everyone thought America was cool. It was fucking annoying then and even worse now.
Size ten, I saw that too! While there’s a wealth of sarcastiv humour to be gleaned form that, it makes me sad to think of the people who haven’t come out who might actually follow her golden path to straightness advice.
See, Holemaster, I told you we had a lot in common
Jo – have you any lady friends who are unattached that we can point towards Twenty ?
“Jo – have you any lady friends who are unattached that we can point towards Twenty ?”
Like torpedoes?
Ah, the guided missle fembot
A missus-ile
On the Perfect Woman site it says “she is intelligent” and also that “she understands me” which would seem to be mutually exclusive in my case.
She is more intelligent than her designers, however, who don’t know how to spell ‘faithful’.
It’s a Ms-ile, HM.
Re; post fifteen.How the heck do you dodge a tornado? I live in Rockingham and we’ve just had two in ten days with another due on Saturday night. Over two hundred house wrecked.
By the way the insurance companies call our area Tornado Alley and have upped the premiums.(suprise).
Living in tornado Alley sounds about as clever as buying a place on Monster Island, or ZombieVille.
No offence your lordship.
Comment 102: Were you thinking of Twenty when you penned this Holemaster. On 115, I had a colleague who went to work in the US for a week, on his return he had started saying “across the pond”, “network rowter” and “cellphone”, he was a cunt. He also started dropping in “facilitate” at every meeting and his name was Jeremy thus confirming he was cunt. He also married the woman who did his telephone banking, as he couldn’t meet a girl any other way. I wonder if he is still a cunt?
“By the way the insurance companies call our area Tornado Alley and have upped the premiums.(suprise).”
And you living in Cabra! The chancers.
Or beaming down to a planet with Capt Kirk on your first ever appearance in Star Trek,
Or being a cop & saying the words “just two more days to retirement”…
I do wonder when I look at the States, Tornado ALley in particualr, how people go on living in these disaster struck places. I ‘t think I’d have he stones to wait for the One that gets me each year.
I saw a documentary about a woman who didn’t get out in time when the warning came, she took her son in to the closet and hunched over him – a giant piece of wood was smashed through the house, and through her face and head, she lived, amazingly, but had serious reconstructive surgery. Crazy.
Random, I committed the cardinal sin. I should have read the small print.
Anyone that decides to move to a place called tornado alley deserves to have their house shredded to matchwood.
Or being a cop & saying the words “just two more days to retirement”…
Or being a cop and buying a boat for your retirement when you’ve a week left, and calling it “Lazy Days” or something similar.
That second paragraph shoudn’t be in italics.
““across the pond”, “network rowter” and “cellphone”, he was a cunt. He also started dropping in “facilitate” at every meeting”
Oh here, I was in a meeting yesterday with a total arsehole. Used every buzzword going. I cannot bear that sort of crap, a degree in phrases and buzzwords he had.
Sometimes I make shit up to see if anyone challenges me and they never do. They just assume it’s a real term. Most people are fucking idiots, myself included.
What confuses me even more is when they make their houses out of wood instead of concrete or stone.
Have they never heard the childrens story about the wolf blowing down the houses?
Lord Elpus,build proper houses and that won’t blow away, the best part of American houses is the floor,..you could shackel yourself to the floor that way even if the house blows away you’ll still be there.
Cushions and doilies are just what twenty needs. And matching curtains.
Lord Elpus, dress in a girls outfit, and buy a small dog called Toto. That way when the tornado comes you will be whisked away to a magical land and when you come back the tornado will be gone.
Just don’t expect to meet me there, Lord E.
Sometimes I make shit up to see if anyone challenges me and they never do.
Ho, ho, Holemaster. Great idea.
Now let’s put this budgie back in his cage!
See that Holemaster, some real blue sky thinking there. I thought out of the box and delivered an optimum solution.
“Puerile Pish: Total Solution provider
exactly MB, we’ll keep this thought-train in wheel-motion through actionment and idea synergy.
Holemaster, that’s how new words get coined.
size ten, that doesn’t solve the problem of sharp things slicing through you. Or cows being dropped on you.
Size. I live in Western Australia and this is a new weather pattern down here. The insurance companies were caught on the hop.
Sorry Lord Elpus, the only drawback to my solution was you would end up in Kansas, and although Australia has it’s issues I wouldn’t wish fucking Kansas on anyone…except for maybe Shayne Ward
“Now let’s put this budgie back in his cage!”
Let’s not wake the Bear.
How about we check the hop overs before that’s given the go ahead.
The run back responses are no use unless we track their back dates.
The first thing we need to do is re-allocate the responsibilities back to the central unit heads before we consider who’s going to be in charge of team leaders. This should clear up any confusion going forward in a real time protocol.
I cant believe I read almost all of those comments. And not a witty, or original one in sight..
And I have a head ache from the typos!
Rob, stop trying to be so clever all the time, if you want tea in The US, just fucking order Hot tea, and you’ll get what you want..
PP, your even more of a hateful cunt than me, and I didnt think that was possible, thanks for the one and only lifeline this morning!!
No, no, no Morgor! Sometimes I think you deliberately misunderstand me. There’s a fuckin’ budgie loose in the room. Let’s sort that out before we start triangulating any dodohedrons, or dropping cows on sharp objects.
Sam you can be a right condescending prick sometimes.
No offence.
none taken…
You try reading 140 comments of badly spelled drivel, and see how your mood is…
Sam, you’re right about the typos, mea culpa but sort out your yours and you’reses for fuck’s sake.
And it was funny this morning. There were fembots, for god’s sake.
Cuppa anyone??????
sorry moon-tour!
You try reading 140 comments of badly spelled drivel, and see how your mood is…
It’s better than working.
Morgor, how I wish I could crowbar condescending prick into a meeting without being sacked.
I am off to run some ideas up the flagpole, and look towards plucking some low-hanging fruit for quick benefits realisation.
Puerile. Shane Warne the George Best of cricket. Brilliant
or moon-tore, maybe??
sorry moon-tour!
Well what’s your excuse?
Fem-bots and Ms-iles gave me a laugh!
I am by the way, the worst typist in the history of typing, but I re-read everything and correct before I click <>
and anybody whose worried about apostrophes can go
and Fuck y’o'u’r self..
Sam, it sounds like you need a coffee… I’ll stop trying to be clever now
I wish I could crowbar condescending prick into a meeting without being sacked.
You could probably stick felch into a meeting by accidentally misusing it instead of filch (to steal).
“Tom here is our company’s best felcher, he stole that deal from our rival very skilfully.”
I agree with SAm on the apostrophe thing. There is a guy who runs a site offering guidance on the use of the little dotty fuckers.
That is a man with too much free time
who’s
Why not understand the language that we speak?
Jesus what happened to this site? There was a time when, if you doled out a bit of abuse, you got it back, in spades! Now its all nice, and “would you like a coffee”..
I give up…
I’m off to cut my arms with a razor blade, richie edwards style.
Why not understand the language that we speak?
Is that even a proper sentence? It feels like it needs a comma or something. No?
Well Johnny 5 was here today doing that, but you have dismissed his efforts as unamusing.
I would say no, but I’m open to suggestions.
Lord Elpus, there is a huge diffrence between Shane the cricket playing nonce and Shayne the talentless warbler
I’m open to suggestions.
Living dangerously today Jo!
If I won the Lotto I’d have enough hours but sadly that joy will fall to some 91 year old Mayo farmer and his 87 year old wife who will say “It won’t change us. I’m still going to get up a 4am to wank the cows”.
bravo!
Sam your last sentence read like Yoda sounds, you fucking alien green midget pedantic cunt.
Is there anything more annoying? Why do these dull cunts buy lotto tickets in the first place?
Life deals you an unlikely bonus and the best you can come up with is new curtains?
I just hit the jackpot, the holy grail of snacks – the waferless kit-kat!
waferless kit kat is sickening, any food I have to eat has to be divided into its seperate parts first, so I’ve ate several waferless kit kats and it’s awful, too much of that middle chocolte at once.
And it’s shite chocolate, which is only tempered by the wafery bit thus making it palatable. Therefore I would conclude that Morgor has hit the holy toilet bowl of snack products.
By his noodly appendage, can people not tell the difference between the words maggot and morgor?
Or are they lots of dyslexics out there?
Yes, they are lots of dyslexics out there.
Morgor – as we are the two quality contributors it’s inevitable that the plebs get confused.
A machine that makes coffee, hmmm, Oh if there were only such a thing…
Too true my moral-free wriggly chum.
The whole joy of the waferless kit-kat is that you’ve got just chocolate, but there is a slight taste of wafer.
The ultimate, though much rarer, is the biscuitless Club Milk.
Hey MB, your other blog is back.
Apologies to the wriggly one and the mucksavage degenerate for getting them confused. I stand corrected.
I’m into Aero Bubbles at the moment. Except I was disappointed to find they’re not green in the middle anymore.
The air has gone out of this thread.
English Mum just put the Air back in!
“Except I was disappointed to find they’re not green in the middle anymore.”
They were never supposed to be.
The minty Aero bubbles aren’t green any more? How can that be!?
People stopped looking at them.
Why not, Hm? If the minty Aero is green, so too should be the bubbles!
People stopped looking at them? Never! Chocolate is made to be eaten in stages. Simple chomping and swallowing is sign of old age and a degeneration of the capacity for joy.
Hey, lets not let this turn into another chocolate discussion board, next thing you know we’ll be discussing fashion and celebrity gossip.
It’s getting as gay as Johnny5 in here.
Not old age, let’s say dessicated maturity.
Sorry. It’s maggot’s fault.
“Why not, Hm? If the minty Aero is green, so too should be the bubbles!”
Well if people don’t look at the chocolate they don’t need to colour it. But I am mistaken in your case Jo. And this post will have set off the BAB (Blog Alarm Button) in Nestle so you can be sure they’ll have it all sorted asap going forward in a real time protocol.
you’re all a shower of fucking cunts. Go outside and play, it’s a lovely day*
*I’m really crap at general abuse, but I tried
Speaking of celebrity gossip… saw an Apres Match sketch last night, doing ‘Exposé’.
Is it just me or is Apres Match at least a decade beyond its sell by date?
Im having huge problems with wimmins big shades. Id like to smash them whilst still attached to their owners…if it wasnt a rather ungentelmanly thing to do.
Sorry PP, as the only (nearly) thirty year old, in the western world, who has never seen any of the star wars films, ill just have to assume what you said was some sort of compliment. Have just seen the indiana jones movies this week. So when if teh kids get into star wars any time soon, ill get back to you..
so if the kids get into star wars any time soon, Ill get back to you…
didn’t it start 9 years ago?
“almost all comedy is past its sellby date when it reaches television”-cook’d and bomb’d
I am also someone who has not seen any star wars film in its entirety. My wife is a fan and she watches then occasionally, I take that as my cue to leave the room and search for homeless-porn
“homeless-porn”
No. Is that a thing?
I’ve never seen Star Wars either. Or Braveheart.
Yet I don’t go around to people going “You mean you’ve NEVER seen Eraserhead / 3 Iron / Bad Boy Bubby??!!?? You MUST have!!”
Sorry, but I got that again this morning re Indiana Jones.
Yeah SG, that is annoying alright, as if you’re some kind of social freak for not having seen a certain film.
What I do is claim no to even know of it, as though I’ve never heard of it even.
When I do that with “Friends” it’s very funny.
Eraserhead..
Is fucked up.
Like a very bad dream.
Thanks HM, I’ll employ that very tactic.
Nah, SAm, it’s a comedy classic. Truly hilarious.
Indiana Jones is total formulaic crap, but my kids cant get enough of the fucker, whatever keeps them happy!
New Indy film sucks balls… i almost walked out ,but was in the middle of the row and didnt want to make a scene..
Apparently coffee is drank more than tea now in Ireland. Shocking state of affairs, I love my tea.
Just look at the type of shite coffee brings out in people…
http://icecreamireland.com/2007/09/06/complaints-about-coffee/
You wouldn’t catch the Bull McCabe suppin’ coffee out of a bottle in the middle of a field.
yeah new indy film was fairly bad alright.
Anyone been to see “mongol” yet?
I’ve read good reviews…
Barry Murphy is funny, and Risteard Cooper’s a good actor, I think, don’t know about the other guy. But I’ve never seen them be funny as Aprés Match. Though I haven’t watched much.
I suppose you can’t argue the Indiana Jones films are classics we must all watch, but they’re really fun and they capture that adventure classic, silly/exciting atmosphere. I’m not going to bother seeing the new one though. CGI isn’t as good. Bring back the rubber shark, if you know what I mean.
I remeber one of my mates nearly had a stroke when i told him i hadnt seen “Clerks”.. so i borrowed it from him.. I told him it was shit …..”Hello ,i need an ambulance…”
Seen only the first Star Wars film (or the 4th, as it later became). Wasn’t impressed enough to ever go to any of the others.
Never seen any Jurassic Park film, or any Matrix film.
Good post from the Murphys, brenjamin. My uncle in law got a free dinner including glass of wine at Tinakilly house in Wicklow, posh posh, and gae the waiter stick because his complementary glass of wine wasn’t full (eesh!).
When the husband started working in a not quite opened shop, there weren’t any facilities yet – he had been talking to one of the others who was a big coffee connoisseur who told him putting boiling water in coffee ruined the flavour. He came in later to find him resorting to making a cup of instant from the hot tap as there was no kettle or anything yet! The lengths you coffee lovers will go to for a fix…
Clerks did nothing for me, I must admit.
It just to prove that Columbos
was nothing but a cunt.
The new Indy film is good crack, I thought, & no sillier than any of the others. If you want to watch unbelievable shite, Mission Impossible 2 is on RTE this week – the one where he keeps pulling off a mask and being someone else, and then pulling off another one and being himself again. I mean, how fucking big was his head at the start of the film, if he was wearing 10 masks?
Cruise is as mad as a lorry and he basically Directed that movie himself ,which is why it was shite..Mission Impossible:3 was good as the director wasnt taking any shit off Cruise…
I mean, how fucking big was his head at the start of the film, if he was wearing 10 masks?
In fairness, Tinman, we are talking about Tom Cruise here.
Which one was it where the helicopter got attached to the TGV and pulled at high speed through the train tunnel?
From another blog I love the sun.
The sun is awesome. It is hot. I like hot. I hate cold.
you’re a right sarky cunt Major ;)
The helicopter was the first one, Jo, which was silly enough.
When he was wearing the mask of the leader of the gang of baddies, though, did none of them say “the boss looks about two feet shorter than he did this morning?”
Ah, no, he was standing on lifts made out of his own charisma.
Whatcha readin’, morgor?
When he was wearing the mask of the leader of the gang of baddies, though, did none of them say “the boss looks about two feet shorter than he did this morning?”
Also ,”why is jumping around on the sofa like a handcap?”
Handicap..ahem
Jo, if you follow the Medbh link on the right. (one of twentys links).
Sometimes I read her blog to argue that X,Y or Z isn’t actually sexist.
Y is quite sexist though.
Y is quite sexist though.
That’s only because it looks like a vagina though.
See…
(.).)
) (
( Y )
cute
Whats wrong with being Sexy?
Depends what age you are really… don’t want to see you getting kidnapped now do we.
>>
).(
( y )
Now were talking.
Holemaster, are you the type that used to write 58008 in his calculator in school and say “turn it upside down, hahahahha”
I always found 5318008 much funnier.
Of course it hadn’t got a patch on 5537336
Or 55378008 , just to make the girls feel a little more insecure…..
There was some riddle about the number of barrels of oil it took to do something (probably at about 10 dollars a barrel too), and the answer on the calculator was 71007345 and ‘turn it upside down’…..
Tom Cruise gets up one day. Looking in the mirror, he’s admiring his body. “Mmm, looking good today Tom,” he says. He then gives his pecs a little squeeze- “Mmmm, feeling good Tom.” He suddenly notices a funny smell, takes a whiff of himself and almost chokes- “Fuck, I smell awful!”
So he goes to talk to Katie. “Katie,” he says, “there’s something wrong with me!”
“Well you look good,” says Katie, walking toward him, “and you feel good,” she says giving him a little squeeze, then suddenly “Fuck Tom, you smell fucking awful! Get to the doctor!”
So Tom goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, there’s something seriously wrong!”
“Well, take a seat and I’ll examine you,” says the doctor. “Hmmm. Well, you look good Tom…… and you feel pretty good….. oh dear God you smell awful!” So the doctor goes over to his medical books to make a diagnosis.
“Do you know what’s wrong with me Doctor?”
“Lets see Tom. So you look good, you feel good but you smell awful…….. ah yes, here we are.”
“You’re a cunt.”
change a 0 for a 7 there John ;)
There was some riddle about the number of barrels of oil it took to do something (probably at about 10 dollars a barrel too), and the answer on the calculator was 71007345 and ‘turn it upside down’…..
Some stupid cunt will probably do something like that with 9/11 or the bible soon.
“if you take a random number say, 71077345 divide it by the number of the beast, and then multiply it by the number of the beast, and then turn it upsidedown, OMG, Shell Oil is evil!!!! tell all your stupid gullible hillbilly fanatic friends to boycott shell oil!”
Jesus fucking unholy Christ fuck.
Not liking or having seen any of the Star Wars movies is not a badge of honour, you dreadful fucking turd, it’s a fucking syndrome or an illness or something. It’s like the number one credential for entry into the ‘complete sack of shit’ club.
“Hello, is that the sack of shit club?”
“Please hold – hello, you’ve reached the sack of shit club, how may I help you?”
“I wonder would it be possible to have a protracted and excruciatingly boring conversation about coffee?”
“Ah-hum. And do you intend to be in anyway funny or entertaining?”
“Heavens no.”
“Ah-hum. And is there any chance you’ll lapse into original, indirect descriptions of the vagina?”
“Not a bit of it. Mind you if it occurs to me I might ‘have a pop’ at those Apres Match jokers. I mean who do they think they’re kidding? You folks should really check out a doo-zey of a compilation I put together called ‘An audience with Deirdre O’Kane’.”
“Quite, well do hurry inside and you might just catch the end of a conversation about the Tom Cruise vehicles, Missions Impossible I-III.”
“Goodey gumdrops!”
zing.
Not impressed then, MMN?
There’s a mighty lotta comments today.
Sorry. It’s maggot’s fault.
How could you Jo?
I’m devastated.
“Holemaster, are you the type that used to write 58008 in his calculator”
I am, except it was the BOOBLESS version and I did it on my Texas Instruments.
Jesus Christ, have you people no homes to go to?
not for another 10 minutes.
Jesus Christ, have you people no homes to go to?
If we say no would we get any sympathy from you ?
I could go visit my mate Dung Beetle – but his home is a dump.
Sympathy, no. Not at all.
I’m going back inside to watch the football.
We’ll have twenty coming out flicking the lights on and off and saying
“Time now lads pleeeeeez.”
I’m going back inside to watch the football.
I didn’t think there would be any sympathy. Football ? That’s not very credible!
Sam: Post No. 247 – now that’s how to do it.
All of these comments must be due to the ingestion of too fucking much caffein.
I thought my dung beetle joke at least deserved a titter or two.
I would love a huge iced coffee right now.
How many sugars Medbh ? Kitkat or toblerone?
What number’s your dung beetle joke, maggot?
The criticism was harsh today. I’m scared to comment tomorrow.
I’m not sure I like that the onus to entertain seems to have shifted completely from Twenty to us. Such pressure.
I vote Twenty brings us all on a day trip. Or to the circus. Refreshments to be one joint and one Choc Ice each.
Can I have one of those Ecuador Magnums instead of a choc ice?
@Jo: By the way, I asked me kids and none of them appear to be called Tim.
It’s No 256 Jo.
Make sure you’re not drinking coffee when you read it, in case you spray it all over the place.
I want a Brunch.
Supercappodecaflatte, expialadotious.
I’m still mulling over Twenty’s “I’m going inside to watch the football” comment.
It seems to mean that he goes outdoors to use his computer, which must be one of those solar-powered wind-driven fell-off-a-skip salvaged models.
There’s only one conclusion – he’s joined the bloody Freegans.
Brunch? Aren’t they the pink ones with bits of stale biscuit stuck to the outside?
Holemaster – I got a touch of the dyslexia there and thought you defacating in your supercappo
They are indeed, EM, but the stale biscuit only stays stuck to the outside till it finds a bit of bare skin that it can drop onto, taking half the icecream with it.
“Brunch? Aren’t they the pink ones with bits of stale biscuit stuck to the outside?” They are are EM. Old fashioned but always a winner for me.
It was indeed 256.
I have my doubts as to whether that really was Twenty – he hates football – see blogs passim – I reckon it may have been Bald Devil!
I’ve just read the original post again (you’ve no idea how bad the Greece-Sweden game is).
There are some really interesting ideas there – what to by people who have everything, bovine maturbation, angry gnus (what makes them angry – bad gnus?), and the interesting idea of a longer day.
“That’ll give them plenty of interesting talking points,” Twenty must have thought as he headed out this morning to walk his plantation and then meet the Man from Del Monte for evening drinks, “I’m looking forward to reading some really well-reasoned debating when I arrive back inside (and when I’ve finished watching the football).
When he returned, however, he found we’d taken the mention of coffee and run with it for almost 24 hours.
Some people might call us shallow.
you’re so right Tinman. Poor Twenty. I love the Freegan computer idea but I think he blogs from his fancy phone/ blackberry type whatsit. Remember the blogging from the toilet post? I wonder is he wearing white linen trousers to this meeting, and a panama?
I’m undecided as to whether or not to go back and capitalise the first y of the first sentence. Fuck ya, sAm, I’m gonna leave it.
Funny dung beetle joke alright!
Inside as in the other room. Freegan, pfffff.
Jesus can someone not be in a bad mood… Its just the mixed up/omitted/extra words that give me a headache, I couldnt give a shite about apostrophes or capitalisations…. And I know we are all prone to it.
Sorry for being a……. pedantic alien or , whatever..
I think it’s fair enough about the typos, sAm, though your name does look like a Typo… an I do care about the apostrophes, I care passionately, even more on days when I’m in a bad mood :)