“You know something, Mr Magpie?”
“What’s that, Major?”
“I fucking hate you”.
“I know”.
“And do you know why?”
“I’m pretty sure I do”.
“Tell me then”.
“Well, it’s nothing to do with me being a black and white cunt, like some feathered minstrel. It has nothing to do with me canibalising other birds, stealing their nests, taking shiny things from your back garden or the fact that your cat, the delightful beast that he is, freezes in his tracks making guttural sounds with his throat when he sees me”.
“Correct”.
“If my life depended on it now I’d say that it was the ‘cacking’”.
“Go on…”
“And by cacking I don’t mean the bird poo, the guano, the white chocolate, the dirty egg white, the flattened arse maggots, the-”
“I know what you don’t mean”.
“Right, sorry. It’s me sitting outside your window of a morning going “cackcackcackcackcackcackcackcack”, then pausing for a few seconds, then going ‘cackcackcackcackcackcackcackcack’, pausing for a few seconds more then going ‘cackcackcackcackcackcackcackcack’ again, then a pause, then a ‘cackcackcackcackcackcackcackcack’, another pause, then another ‘cackcackcackcackcackcackcackcack’ and so on’.
“You’ve got it, you beaky cunt. But you know what’s most annoying of all?”
“Is it that after a few pauses and ‘cackcackcackcackcackcackcackcacks’ I pause for just a bit longer than normal to make you think I’ve gone away and you can get back to sleep and then I launch into a really loud ‘cackcackcackcackcackcackcackcack’?”
“You’re good”.
“You know it, baby”.
“Any chance you could shut the fuck up?”
“None whatsoever”.
“Didn’t think so”.
“See you tomorrow morning, pal. Oh, and one final thing”.
“What’s that?”
“Cackcackcackcackcackcackcackcack!”
“Oh you”.
THE MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE TWENTY?
Good morning Mr Major.
I think if we can put up you posting cack occasionally, you can cut the magpie some slack.
According to Eamo Dunphy and his increasingly strange head, cacka is the best footballer in the world.
Well of course it’s the morning after the night before, Gluey. If it wasn’t I’d be very worried about the way time was going.
Rob, touché.
I’m with you on this one Twenty. They’re bastards. Sometimes they even attack their relections in the window, adding to the avian alarm clock effect. I’m surprised you haven’t bought an air rifle already.
And yet I felt moved to rescue a baby one last year, repeatedly. I just couldn’t squish it or watch the dog savage it while its parents flew round screaming.
Should have stomped it, Jo. It’s probably that cunt outside my window.
One for sorrow twnety and two for an alibi
It occurs to me from your stomping comment, magpies and scumbags have a lot in common – the casual violence, the thievery, the ganging up on those weaker than them, the noise…
I had a Cat when I was knee height of a grasshopper, it killed a magpie one Sunday. The magie’s family launched a massive hate campaign and tormented my mini cat at every opprotunity. Eventually we found the cat dead on top of the hen shed.
I wonder what they’d do to you if you killed one. Go on, I dare you!
One for sorrow.
My catapult is gonna get some exercise on the B&W fuckers in our area.
All the best romances start with the protagonists unable to stand each other. One morning, you might waken to deafening silence though, and the next, and the next. And you will always wonder what happened to that lovable rogue.
Tell it an Aesop’s fable. Magpie-kind never comes out very well of Aesop’s fables, ending up cheeseless and on the street, with track marks all up and down their emaciated legs. That’ll put a crimp in its cack.
I think the pecking against the windows is only if there are spiders around that they are eating (y’know the way spiders lay little white eggs in the corners of wooden windows especially).
They’re sneaky cunts though, I’ve laid in wait for them for oh ten fifteen minutes (i’m not that patient) with an air rifle but if they spot you they leg it straight away.
I guess they know the shape of a gun by now. or perhaps they recognise the intent to kill in my eyes. either way I haven’t been able to get one yet.
Having lived in a seaside town for many years I can assure you that seagulls are bigger cunts than magpies. Seagulls will rip open bins, shit on anything that they can, take the piss out of cats, screech constantly and will steal the chips out of your hands. And those big herring gulls are the worst bastards, they look like they have been taking steriods and have the temperement to match.
the flattened arse maggots,
Ya what ?
You can buy Magpie calls Twenty ( see link ) – go to a gun shop – or make one yourself – small box with ball bearings. Rattle it and they come over to see who the stranger is.
Wood pigeon here Twenty. Booming out every morning right above my bedroom window. He will suffer a painful end, I’m telling you.
Having lived in a seaside town for many years
Not Largs ? Tell me not Largs. Or Troon.
Never eat amything described as chicken in a Chinese or Indian restaurant in a coastal towm. It’ll likely be Jonathan Livingstone.
Jesus maggot – looking at your link to the magpie call page, the “others also bought” selection leaves no doubt as to what people have in mind when they buy it.
Maggot, no I used to go on holiday to Largs, or even worse Wemyss bay. I lived in Brighton, where seagulls still think they rule. In the local paper some woman once tried to sue the council because a huge fuckoff seagull swooped down and stole a bag of chips from her toddler, thus saving her from a future of obesity and heart problems. Fair play seagull.
Unfortunately they don’t do Robin Calls – or rare bird calls. I’d really love a Bill Oddie call –
yap, yap, yap ?
yap, yap, yap !
Bang!
Nonny, that’s a scary fucking cat story. Epic. I take it back – magpies are the Mafia.
Epic and almost certainly fictional. Animals don’t do revenge.
Magpies are pricks. One of them was ripping the heart out of a baby chick a few weeks ago as myself and the kids were having breakfast. The kids asked what he was doing. That’s the last time I invite a magpie to breakfast.
I had intended to post a bird-related post on my blog today, but all morning I can’t log in. I’m tempted to post it here, disguised as a relevant comment.
Eventually we found the cat dead on top of the hen shed.
I’d assume that the death of the cat was coincidental to be honest.
I think it would be quite hard for a magpie to lift a cat, unless they were working in teams with nets and so on.
Coincidental – that’s a better word.
morgor, apparently swallows have been known to carry coconuts. by the husk.
I find it difficult to pick up cats, they’re scratchy and vicious. coconuts are easier perhaps even eager to be picked up. The whores.
Sorry SG, what was that? I got distracted after the first three words…
heh heh heh. morgor apparently swallows… coconut whores. Funny bunnies.
Elephants do revenge, it would seem. THey never forget, you know.
Morgor apparently swallows????
late as ever…
SG deep. Throats. Horses are my favourite animal.
morgor is a continuous source of amusement
yep, people laugh at him wherever he goes…
Wow, I’m way off today. My jokes just aren’t getting through. Re swallows and coconuts, complete bullshit but a Holy Grail reference. Re morgor, supposed to be read as “morgor is a cont – inuous source of amusement”…
Hey, Jo, Monkey Balls and Tinman in 10 words, please.
I know. the old man who asks “answer me these questions three.”.
Carmelite friars used to be known as Magpies before they changed from a variegated mantle to all-white.
Could this be subconscious voicing of hostility by Twenty SJ ?
“Epic and almost certainly fictional. Animals don’t do revenge.”
I swear to God, my nanny told me the maggers worried him to death.
Nonny, your nanny is a ninny.
And, Lorcan is the gayest name I have ever heard. It rhymes with so many things the possibilities are endless.
Don’t slag my Nanny, when she is not here to defend herself.
What does my name have to do with anything? Coming from someone called ‘Nonny’ as well
The most annoying fuckers of all are Cuckabooras (spelling?), those Australian birds that are the noisiest bastards going. Waking up sweating with a hang over in 33 degree heat with one of those non stop fuckers in the tree outside is a pain in the hole.
I had to buy ear plugs because of them.
SG, you’re not way off, I just don’t get the holy grail reference.
Nope, not doing ten words, you’ll have to come meet them for yourself.
No offence meant Nonny, it was just too hard to resist.
How did they worry him to death? Did they well him the economy was banjaxed? Or did they show him a picture of an armadillo and tell him it was an armour-plated mouse?
Don’t slag my Nanny, when she is not here to defend herself.
When’s she gonna come online? I heard she has a vicious temper and a foul mouth.
Damn, I was waiting for the 10 words too, Jo. (If it’s any help, there are two f’s in Stud-Muffin).
I heard Monkey Balls shagged Nonny’s nanny
Nonny’s nasty nanny narrated “nanu nanu” nicely to nasal Nina in nice Nenagh.
Hey Nonny Nonny.
Ah Shakespeare.
ne-ne-na-na-na-na-nu-nu was a bad manners osng, if i recall correctly
osng = song
I got the Grail reference, and was going to ask you to specify whether it was an african swallow, or a european swallow.
I didn’t because I thought you would then tell me to go away or you would taunt me a second time (in a mock French accent)
Bad Manners! Blast from the past!
http://www.spelman.karoo.net/itsmadness/badness.jpg
Stud muffin, is it, Tinman? Perhaps you two should do your own ten words.
I have a whole gaggle of magpies here too. They’re like a loud obnoxious gang of teenagers clattering around the place.
One for sorrow, none for joy!
i don’t know what a magpie is because i live in a sterile future of glass and steel.
“i don’t know what a magpie is because i live in a sterile future of glass and steel.”
It’s the annoying cacking sound you can’t find among the glass and steel.
Shouldn’t that “Oh you.” at the end in fact have been “Oh you… cunt.” ? :)
Either they’re doing impersonations of the aliens in Mars Attacks (solution: play Slim Whitman loudly out the window and they will all drop dead) or they are being alarmed by cats (soluition: keep cats indoors).
My cats get alarmed by the magpies, I think the cats eye up the size of the beak and think “fuck that I will beg for more whiskas”. My cats act all hard when there is a window between them and the magpie but in the open the cats are complete pussies.
dunphy says rooney’s better than kaka I though?
maybe so. ian dury and the blockheads had a song called cacka boom
does anyone know who it was that hit ian dury with their rhythm stick?
He got hit with the rhythm stick, he did not do the hitting.
Emmmm, isn’t that the question twenty?
Yes, it is. I misread it.
The answer is ‘Sade’s mum’
It was the 2 fat parsons – click click click
He got hit with the rhythm stick, he did not do the hitting.
hehe i was just about to say the same thing a while ago and then re-read it.
I would imagine it was a giant magpie that was doing the hitting, in that way it will tie in with the subject of this article.
nobody. that’s why he wrote a song asking to be hit.
so which is worse, magpies cacking, or aengus Mc enally on the radio??
I dont know how to spell that name, and I’m not googling the fucker!
well Ian Dury from the 80′s on is worse than both of them sAm.
If I google him for you will you view the results?
willy wag tails pretend to be injured so that they will become the prey of a predetor instead of their offspring.
“well Ian Dury from the 80’s on is worse than both of them sAm”
Have you listened to Mr. Love Pants?
What about that annoying fucker Mr. Crow on wanderly wagon? A generational sorter outer
I think it is sooo sweet that some people call wag tals Willy wag tails instead of wag tails.
Once my French teacher looked out the window in class, and said in an awed voice ‘Oh look! It’s a Willy wag tail!
Heh heh heh. Sap.
What’s a wag tail? with or without the willy?
Its the wife or girlfriend of a famous soccer player Morgor.
Personally, I prefer them without the willy!
I guess I could have just done this :
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willie_Wagtail
I don’t get that…?
I’m dull today.
http://www.kenyabirds.org.uk/pics/wagtail.jpg
It’s one of them.
Actually no, this looks more familiar
http://www.rspb.org.uk/Images/whitewag300_tcm9-174173.jpg
are they the wee birds that run along comically?
Wag, Jo.
Wagtail must be Cheryl Cole’s bum.
Who’s Cheryl Cole?
“are they the wee birds that run along comically?”
Oh yeah, I remember the old man talking about those. They laugh at you or something.
Damn what are they again.
I had a cat bring a half dead magpie into the kitchen before letting it go again. The Magpie, whilst bleeding profusly tried to fly through all the closed windows, splashing blood everywhere. After 5 minutes the cat finished the job but not before the blood was everywhere. The cat normally being snow white now had a scarlet red chest and face.
Believe me it was like a scene from a Stephan King horror
This is why I don’t want a cat.
THat and the needling claw thing they do on your lap. And the cat hair.
Jo, you obviously don’t read as many trashy celebrity magazines as Tail or Tinman.
Wag stands for “wives and girlfriends” when referring to soccer players.
I was a bit confused when i heard it first.
like the phrase “bling bling”, someone on tv said it, and in my head I heard the death knoll of the english language.
Cheryl Cole was Cheryl Tweedy from some band (Girls Aloud I think) who married footballer Ashley Cole. Therefore she’s a wag, and her bum is a wagtail.
Now, isn’t the joke funnier?
Nah, didn’t think so.
Oh yeah, I know about WAGs, and Cheryl Tweedy. Now that I think about it. No trashy mags for me though, bleh. Only in the hairdressers, so rarely!
Glad you like the biscuit cake!
And thanks for the support
MB mentioned earlier that he can’t get into his blog today. Well, not only that, but the whole of baywords.com (a site “with a particular focus on free expession”) is down.
God knows what his last post was about.
Ah tinman, I see.
Completely unrelated,but y’know when there’s a really bad joke and might refer to it as a tumbleweed moment, is that taken directly from Reeves and Mortimer?
“Jo, you obviously don’t read as many trashy celebrity magazines as Tail or Tinman.”
“Tail or Tinman” is not a trashy magazine, Morgor. It has quality writing and tasteful photography.
Oh, and this month’s edition comes with a free dildo.
“tail or tinman” as advertised on TG4.
I’m from Longford, statistically the joint least intelligent county in ireland(according to Paddy Power), I can call them Willy Wag Tails if I wish.
God knows what his last post was about.
He was going into graphic detail about shagging Nonny’s nanny
they’re in wikipedia as willie_wagtail.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cunt
God knows what his last post was about.
-If anyone sees it, shoot it. All of my posts have escaped and were last seen heading for MySpace, muttering something about being taken over with a fist.
On Wikipedia??
Must be true..
Back off Wikipedia SAm, it’s very reliable and factual – just looked it up o….. oh wait, never mind.
Regarding the ‘Oh you’, I don’t think it should have been ‘Oh you cunt’ at all – the cosiness of the chat between Twenty and Magpie carried a lovely underlying menace and power play. It was really well done actually, Twenty.
Removing literary criticism hat now…
Nah. Still confused. Will persevere to the bitter end until I catch up with you guys. Things move too fast for me here! Still having a good titter all the same.
Does that qualify as some kind of joke on the willie wag tail thing?
Jo – I thought he was implying that the old boy was falling asleep before he could finish ?
long ago some birds were given additions to their names if they were held in some affection…. Robin Redbreast, Jenny Wren and in days when cackcackcackcackcackcackcackcack wasn’t quite as bloody annoying, Mag Pie.
maggot, I was thinking of ‘Oh,you‘, usually implying oh, you loveable rogue sort of thing, usually accompanied by a handflap, or ‘oh get away’. There’s something 1940s-ish about it.
But perhaps I am wrong?
You have it, Jo
What’s a handflap?
Is it dirty? It sounds dirty.
Sigh. Like a camp gesture, when you flap your hand at someone. That sounds dirty? Where have you been, in prison? Is the blog still on the run? Why not wordpress?
A magpie killed a cyclist in Melbourne a while back.
They swoop at people down here, sometimes kids wear helmets with eyes painted on them, I kid you not, it’s to fool the aggressive black and white cunts who think they’re attacking you. They actually call it “swooping season” as at a certain time of year everyone gets attacked by the feckers defending their nests.
Anyway, she was cycling away, he swooped her, and his beak got lodged in her eye socket and penetrated her brain. What I love is when Aussie people tell this story, they’re like, “Both she and the magpie died”. Who gives a swooping fuck about the magpie? They are shitty shitty shit birds….
Fucking hell!
Birds in melbourne seem in general a bit mad.
Was there 4 years ago for a family wedding, went along some form of promenade type thing. Loads of those big pelican fuckers around, some woman was there with one of those paris hilton rat dog things. Which started barking at a pelican, lots.
Pelican scooped the little shit up in his brian cowen beak, flew off, and dropped the thing into the water from about 50 metres up.
Ok, so no one died but it was fucking funny.
or rather, no humans died. pretty sure the dog did. Stupid dog…