Fuck off
that was funny

“A porcupine has 60,000 pricks on the OUTSIDE!”

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10 They have tits!

Why do women have orgasms?
It gives them something else to moan about

What worse than a male sexist pig?
A woman who wont do as she is told

What’s the best way for a woman to stop rape?
Say yes!

What’s the best thing about a blow job?
The five minutes of peace and quiet

He picks it up, gives it a rub and a genie appears

The genie grants him two wishes
what’s your first wish?
I want to be a white man
The genie turns him into a white man
what is your second wish?
I never ever want to work again in my life

The genie turns him back into a nigger

Stevie Wonder is being interviewed on the Late Late Show.
It must have been tough growing up blind says Pat
It could have been worse
How could it have been worse!
I could have been black!

Did you see Stevie’s new car?
Neither has he!!!

The bartender, like all good practitioners of the trade, engages the man in some witty small talk, until the conversation steers naturally to the strange scenario of the man’s head.

“I’m sorry, I know you must get this all the time, but I can’t help noticing you have an orange for a head. How on Earth did that happen?”

“Oh” said the man “it’s a pretty long story.”

“Please tell me the tale, I can’t help but be intrigued by this.”

So the man sets out on his bizarre tale.

“Three years ago, I moved into a strange old house. All of the furniture was still in there, and I loved the house, with its old style and antique furnishings, so I gradually settled in and made it my own. I read daily in the library, absorbing the writings of great men. But one day, when I was tired of this, I noticed the attic. I quickly realised I had never ventured up there, so I went downstairs and got the ladder, went up to the trap door, and slowly lifted up, a small shower of dust and loft insulation covering my shoulders. I climbed through the small opening and into this darkened world…”

“So how did you end up with an orange for a head?”

“I’m coming to that. So up there I found many strange things. I saw a drinks cabinet shaped like a globe, a coat of armour that bore the Heraldic seal of the Duke of Northumberland and several old paintings, some of which were the long lost works of Raphael. However my attention was devoted to a strange old Arabian lamp. Its dull glimmer was covered by a large amount of dust, so I gave it a quick wipe in order to look at its golden countenance.

What occurred next was both shocking, yet also strangely predictable, as we all know that Genies live in these lamps. Anyway, with a loud pop, and a certain amount of smoke, a genie emerged through the spout of the lamp. He wore only trousers and a turban, and seemed thoroughly stereotypical.

’Cheers mate’ said the genie ‘I’ve been stuck in this lamp for many years now, and it was getting a bit boring. In the terms of my service, I will give you three wishes. I can only grant you three, and a wish for more wishes voids this contract. Can I help you now with anything now?’

’Oh yes’ I said, as I was motivated by greed, ‘I would dearly love eternal riches.’

‘Granted’ said the genie, and filled my bank account with more money than I could ever imagine. With it I bought cars and women, I bought a small island state in the Caribbean. I bought power in the UN, and cancelled the Third World Debt. I was a philanthropist to end all philanthropists, beating Bill Gates’ records and putting Bob Geldof to shame.”

“So how did you end up with an orange for a head?”

“I’m coming to that. So I soon realised that I was growing older by the second, and that all of my science labs could cure diseases and symptoms, but never death. So, I rubbed my lamp to ask the genie my second wish.

‘Genie’ I stated, ‘for my second wish I would dearly love to be immortal and unharmable, set for ever at this virile age of 27.’

‘Granted’ he said, and disappeared back into the lamp. In order to test my new found power, I went immediately to the main road and stepped off the kerb. I was almost immediately hit by a truck, but got up unscathed. “This is great” I thought, and tested my new immortality by starting numerous extreme sports as a hobby. I canoed over the Niagara Falls, went base jumping without a parachute and did some snake wrestling in the Andes.

“So how did you end up with an orange for a head?”

“I’m coming to that. So everything was all brilliant but now I had to think about how best to use my last wish. What did I want that could not be bought with unlimited riches or earned with eternal youth…?”

“So what did you wish for?” said the bartender, desperate for the end of this bizarre tale.

“Well I wished for an orange for a head, obviously.”

Q: How do you stop a black baby from crying?
A: Lick its lips and stick it to the window.

Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Megasauras (mega sore ass)
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopus
Q: What do you call a paedophile dinosaur?
A: Barney

A priest walking down a country road
up ahead there is a crashed car lying in a ditch

A small boy is standing beside the car crying his eyes out

MY MAMMY AND DADDY ARE DEAD!!!
MY MAMMY AND DADDY ARE DEAD!!!

The priest smiles and drops his trousers and says

“It’s not your lucky day, is it?”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!