Your favourite joke
Posted on | May 29, 2008 | 207 Comments
Seeing as it’s all going wrong in the comments below, what is your favourite joke of all time?
Me, I’m terrible at remembering jokes. I get that from my mother who would eagerly regale us at the dinner table with often longwinded stories until she forgot the punchline. Every. Single. Time.
The only one I can ever remember is one I got in a cracker a couple of Christmases ago:
Q: “What’s the smallest pub in the world?”
A: The Thalidomide Arms
Similar posts
Comments
207 Responses to “Your favourite joke”
Leave a Reply
May 29th, 2008 @ 2:37 pm
Fairy Princess says to Cinderella: “you go to the ball, but you must be home by midnight or your fanny will turn into a melon.”
Cinders goes off in the Pumpkin Coach, arrives at the ball and is spotted by the Prince. He is so taken by her beauty that he invites her to join him at the top table for the banquet.
The first course is melon. Cinders picks delicately at hers with her fork. The Prince picks up his slice and, harmonica-style, sucks the whole thing dry with one long ‘slurrrrrp’.
He wipes his mouth, turns to her, and says: “so, what time do you have to be home at?”
“About half-past four.”
May 29th, 2008 @ 2:40 pm
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
May 29th, 2008 @ 2:41 pm
A woman went into a pub and ordered a double-entendre so the barman gave her one.
May 29th, 2008 @ 2:48 pm
Just so’s you know, there’s a pub in Caherciveen called The Claudia Arms.
May 29th, 2008 @ 2:50 pm
This one’s my favourite cartoon, so we’ll see is a picture is worth a thousand words.
It’s pissing rain, there are two of a whole lot of different animals in the background,Noah and all his sons are standing around a little ark about the size of a shoe-box.
Noah says: “alright, remind me again which of you fuckers said they knew what a cubit was.”
May 29th, 2008 @ 2:51 pm
Mummy, Mummy, what’s a spastic?
Shut up Junior and take your feet out of your pockets.
May 29th, 2008 @ 2:52 pm
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don’t; you get down off a duck.
May 29th, 2008 @ 2:55 pm
The only joke I know…
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?
May 29th, 2008 @ 2:59 pm
A man walks into a petrol station and says, “can I please have a KitKat Chunky?”
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
“No,” says the man, “I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.”
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:00 pm
What do you do if Bastardface starts rubbing himself up and down your leg?
Fake an orgasm.
How do you circumcise a whale?
Send down four skin-divers.
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:00 pm
ah mach, the magic of a great joke… making fun of some fat bitch!
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:14 pm
Horse walks into a bar.
Why the long face?
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:25 pm
Is there any limit to the vileness of the joke
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:26 pm
Athlete walks into the Olympic Stadium carrying a very long stick. Dorrman says “are you a pole-vaulter”
and the athlete says, no, I’m a German, how did you know my name?”
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:26 pm
Q-What’s bright red and clumsy?
A- A blood clot.
Sorry.
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:27 pm
Dessie, have a look at Twenty’s original joke.
Does that answer your question?
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:27 pm
My girlfriend said she wanted to have a serious talk to me about our relationship. We had a nice meal and some wine and then she started. “I think we need to decide in what direction our relationship is going.” “I feel we are at a crossroads: one path leads to hardship and commitment but, ultimately, to happiness and joy; the other, well, it just leads to a dead end.” She paused. “So what do you say?”
I thought about it for a while and then replied, “That’s not a crossroads, you silly cow, that’s a T-Junction”
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:28 pm
Tinman – Believe me – have some really vile ones…
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:28 pm
Two men are out shopping for shirts. They stop outside a shiet shop and one of the men points to a rather fine hand made shirt in the window.
‘There’s the one I’d get.’
Just then, the owner- a cyclops- came out and punched him on the nose.
Really really sorry.
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:30 pm
A guy went to a brothel and asked for a whore that could take 12 inches. The madam gave him her best one, and the guy went in and started banging the hell out of her, but she started screaming that she couldn’t take it. So he goes back to the madam and she gives him another whore. Same thing — he starts banging her and she starts screaming in pain. He’s pissed off now and about to leave when the madam begs him to try one more whore; she assures him this whore will be his best fuck ever. So he goes in a dark room and starts banging another chick, and everything’s going great; she keeps taking it and he’s loving it. Then all of a sudden, she starts foaming at the mouth. The guy gets freaked out and runs out to tell the madam, who brings over the custodian and says “Hey, Frank, the dead one’s full again
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:30 pm
Schoolyard joke:
What’s got seven gees?
A girl spider.
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:32 pm
Did you hear the one on Ray Darcy they couldn’t tell for a day because they were laughing so much?
They finally got the original teller to tell it over the phone, and I went the wrong way, I was driving at the time, I missed my turn because I was crying with laughter. I think it might have been the lead up though, as I’ve tried it before without much success. And you have to read it out loud:
Sir Henry gets a new manservant, James. James’ first duty is to attend Sir H in his bath. Sir H is initially happy, in the bubbles, playing with his ducky, when he feels uincomfortable and realises he must fart!
Shy in front of James, who is standing to attention with a towel folded over his arm, he orders him, ‘James, fetch me a glass of brandy!’ James busies himself hanging up the towel, and gracefully glides over to the door – it’s all to late for Sir H, who cant help farting just as James turns the handle. James turns and looks at him strangely, and goes out.
He comes back some time later, carrying a silver tray, with the glass of brandy, a jar of bovril and a hot water bottle.
‘Where have you been James, and what the hell is this!?’ explodes sir H.
‘I’m sorry your lordship, but as I as leaving the room, I could have sworn you asked me for a hot water bottle and a bottle of bovril.’
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:34 pm
Heh, a blod clot.
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:35 pm
Ah hah! Love it.
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:37 pm
It gets funnier with repetition!
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:37 pm
‘I’m sorry your lordship, but as I as leaving the room, I could have sworn you asked me for a hot water bottle and a bottle of bovril.’
??
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:41 pm
hohwawerbblebtlbbbvrlblub
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:42 pm
say it out loud, it sounds like an underwater fart – ahotwaterbottleandabottleofbovril
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:43 pm
Three pregnant women are sitting on a bench, talking about their impending arrivals
First woman says, I am taking lots of calcium as I want my baby to have strong bones and teeth
Second woman says: I am taking iron tablets to make sure this little one has healthy blood and muscles
Third woman, smoking a cigarette while knitting says: I am taking thalidomide, I just can’t do fucking sleeves
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:43 pm
That happened me once when my brother and I were bathed together.
My mother thought I said the brother was a grumbling cunt. How she laughed.
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:44 pm
Polar Bear walks into a bar, appraoches the barman, and says
“Hello there Mr Barman…..
(says nothing for 20 seconds)
…Could I have a pint of guinness(extra cold of course)
please….”
“sure, said the (friendly, of course) Barman,
But why the big Paws??”"
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:45 pm
doesnt really work in writing…
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:46 pm
IT does, but it’s an ooooold one.
You’re not serious, are you Holemaster?
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:46 pm
yeah.. I’m lost too twenty!
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:48 pm
Why do women die before men?
Someone has to make sandwiches for the funeral.
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:49 pm
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She Asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Liverpool fans.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, ‘Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?’
‘I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,’ Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. ‘Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?’
‘Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I’m a Man Utd fan too!’
‘Well,’ said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, ‘that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don’t have to be just like your parents all Of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug Addict, what would you be then?’
‘Then,’ Mary smiled, ‘I’d be a Liverpool fan.’
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:49 pm
I too find it very hard to remember jokes. This one I remember best even though I heard it when I was only about 8. It made me giggle for ages.
There was a guy flying to New York who was terrified of flying. He couldn’t get out of his seat, such was the fear. He was bursting for a shit but wouldn’t go to the jacks he was that afraid. He managed to put his hand down his trousers and shove a cork up his arse. This helped for a while but eventally the pain was too much so instead of going to the jacks he shat out the window (yeah, yeah I know, but we were only 8). He was fine after this, landed safely in New York and went about his buisness. The next morning he bought a newspaper, the headline of which read “Splutter Splutter in New York, 3 men killed by flying cork”
I’d love to be 8 again
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:49 pm
An up to the minute one.
What’s blue and white and goes beep beep beep
The Chelasea open top bus reversing back into the garage..
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:52 pm
“You’re not serious, are you Holemaster?”
My mother would have had a heart attack if she heard that. She probably never heard the word at all in fact.
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:54 pm
oh you mean the bathing? Of course!
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:54 pm
Here’s one to tell your Polish buddies:
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
The German army.
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:56 pm
How many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you care? You don’t understand!
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:57 pm
Of course not the bathing, we were all bathed together.
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:58 pm
Why do women parachutists wear jock-straps?
So they don’t whistle on the way down.
May 29th, 2008 @ 3:59 pm
..and then there’s all the great god Thor jokes which end with the line “I’m so sore I can hardly piss” said with a lisp..
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:03 pm
Two cows in a field.
One says, “I’m very worried about this mad cow disease”.
The other says, “It doesn’t bother me, Im a squirrel.”
(Is it ok to slag mental cows Brian?)
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:03 pm
(Apostrophe amnesty Jo)
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:03 pm
While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: ‘I’ve got bad news for you – you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.’
The man looks a little perplexed and says: ‘Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.’
The doctor answers: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.’
The man screams in horror, ‘Absolutely not ! I want a second opinion.’
The doctor replies: ‘Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.’
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: ‘Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.’
The guy says to the doctor: ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!’
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: ‘Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!’
‘Oh, Thank God!’ the man replies.
‘Yes,’ says the Chinese doctor, ‘You no worry ! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:05 pm
For Fuck’s Sake Tinman you always look for the easy targets, it is people like you stigmatising cows with mental health issues that helps perpetrate the poor conditions they have to suffer.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:05 pm
Darren said: I burned up on re-entry once. Should have used more lubrication!
That was pretty funny.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:06 pm
Way to go, Peadar! – Sex, nobs, racial stereotypes, all in the one joke.
It’s like ‘This is Your Life’ for Jim Davidson.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:07 pm
I never said the cow was mental, PP. He might have just been a cunt.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:07 pm
I can’t seem to hunt it down Tinman. I’m having trouble today. I’m in the middle of a correcting marathon, it’s all the mistakes, I’m internalising them, and all the misspellings…
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:09 pm
Did you know that Brian was a test tube baby?
He wasn’t worth a fuck back then either.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:10 pm
No, not you, Jo, I’m claiming amnesty after saying ‘Im a squirrel’.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:12 pm
I had a student who didn’t know I am and I’m were the same thing. She was bright too.
It’s nice just saying apostrophe amnesty I think, like a little poem
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:12 pm
A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods and the bear says “Do you have a problem with poo sticking to your fur?” The rabbit says “No.” So the bear picks the rabbit up and wipes his bum with it.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:14 pm
What’s the difference between a blonde girl and a blonde guy?
The blonde girl’s got a higher sperm count.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:16 pm
MArtyBanana, that’s from the Eddie Murphy standup video, can’t rememeber which one – he gave it to the kids in the audience as one thing they could tell in school the next day.
I loved it when I saw it first but watched a bit of it on tv a while back – so dated and sexist and homophobic and not very funny!
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:17 pm
Ooh! Ooh! Blonde jokes!
What’s the difference between a blonde chick and a shopping trolley?
A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:18 pm
What’s the difference between a Lada and a Jehovah’s Witness?
You can shut the door on a Jehovah’s Witness.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:20 pm
In honour of my visiting Mother in Law: how many Irish sons does it take to change a light bulb?
No,no, that’s alright – you go on out and enjoy yourself, and I’ll just sit here in the dark.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:20 pm
A lady got on a bus with her baby in her arms. The bus driver said to her as she paid “that is the ugliest baby i ever saw”. The woman was totally shocked by this. She walked to her seat without saying a word. She was almost in tears. The man she sat beside could see she was upset and asked her what was wrong. She told him that the bus driver had been really rude to her. “That’s terrible” the man replied “he’s been paid to drive this bus and should be polite and friendly while doing so. If I was you I’d go back up there and ask for an apology”
“You’re right” she replied “I’m not going to let him away with been rude to me”
“Yeah, go on” the man encouraged her “here let me hold your monkey”
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:21 pm
I love that one!
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:22 pm
I didn’t know that, Jo. I’ve never seen any Eddie Murphy videos. I don’t remember where I heard that joke, but I remember it because it’s funny.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:23 pm
Each of my kids has told the bear and rabbit joke on holiday at the age of about eight in one of those kid talent shows they insist on doing in resorts. It’s kind of like a rite of passage for them. The reaction from the adults is always great – there’s a kind of stunned silence, and then a really big laugh.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:24 pm
Sorry Marty, it is funny – I meant the rest of the video! He told it well though :)
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:26 pm
How do a blonde girls brain cells die ?
….Alone.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:27 pm
There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.
He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. “Bet you can’t guess how old I am today”, the boy said.
The father has no clue and finally gives up.
“I’m eleven!” the boy exclaims.
Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandmother, and says, “Bet you’ can’t guess how old I am today”.
“Let me give it a guess”, his grandmother says and sticks her hand in his trousers.
She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, “You’re eleven years old”.
“How did you know?” the boy asked.
“I heard you tell your father,’’ she replied.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:29 pm
Kids telling jokes is pretty funny. Not because they’re good at it but it’s all the eye rolling and eh’s and ah’s and em’s and total lack of correct punchline. It’s like when they try to cook.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:30 pm
why should you wrap your hamster in masking tape?
so it doesn’t explode when you put your cock in it.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:31 pm
Jesus Fox.
Jesus Fox, what a name!
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:32 pm
Funniest song I’ve ever heard:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xalI882fysg
The quality of the clip is woeful, but stick with it – the punch line is worth it.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:32 pm
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious
man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter”.
Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Brian was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the
ground. “This ain’t so bad” he thought
until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Brian
“Well just relax and let it happen”
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced
motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Brian, wake up you bastard, you’re shitting in the bed”
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:35 pm
Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman went into a pub.
The barman said.
“What’s this? Some kind of a fucking joke?”
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:38 pm
A girl goes to the doctor as her vag is all scabby and foul smelling.
The doctor has a look and says
“I have two things to tell you, once you start using the cremem I am giving you, it is vital that you stop having fottsie sex with your boyfriend.”
amazed that the doctor knew her fetish, she asks him what the second thing is;
“Your boyfriend is cheating on you”
“How do you know?”
“This is the fourth case of athlete’s cunt this week”
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:38 pm
A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the Scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living fuck out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clietele stood silent and motionless.
Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:
Barman: “Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?”
Scouser: “Dunno, but it was something about a ‘job’.”
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:51 pm
Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.
Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence
was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise…….
BUMP……..
BUMP……..
BUMP……..
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP……..
BUMP……..
He froze to the spot, he couldn’t believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly….It was a coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster………
BUMP……..BUMP……
BUMP……..BUMP…..
BUMP……..BUMP……
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him……
BUMP……..BUMP……BUMP……
BUMP……..BUMP……BUMP……
BUMP……..BUMP……BUMP……
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .
BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…BUMP.
BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…..
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room,andlumped into his comfy chair.Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase…..
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door……..
BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…
BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing andlaunched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges….
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet……
He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin…….still it came .
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it …..
Still it came……
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came……
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it……..
The coffin stopped.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:53 pm
Haaa!
Alright Peadar, you’re winning.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:54 pm
er um
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:55 pm
Oh right. Fuck sake that’s worse my meringue one.
May 29th, 2008 @ 4:55 pm
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in
the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is three o’clock the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he
answers. “Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it
is pouring out!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.
“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?” “I think you should help him, and you should be
ashamed of yourself! “The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still
there?” “Yes”: comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!” replies the drunk.
May 29th, 2008 @ 5:01 pm
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop
She was jubilant !!!!!!!
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked
about her Husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself for the past four hours in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit……….It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be probably be the last shopping trip you ever take ! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. ……….. and you’ll now be his carer !”
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed………..
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, “I’m just pulling your leg
He’s dead. What did you buy?”
May 29th, 2008 @ 5:02 pm
A Japanese man was trying to exchange yen for dollars at a bank.
Japanese man: “Yest o day I get two hunat dollah fo yen, today I get one hunat eighty. Why it change?”
Teller (shrugs): “Fluctuations”.
Japanese man: “Hey, Fluc you white guys, too!!!
May 29th, 2008 @ 5:03 pm
heh, fluctuations.
May 29th, 2008 @ 5:04 pm
You don’t do one-liners, do you Peadar?
May 29th, 2008 @ 5:19 pm
Yeah, there a bit long alright, I’ll stop now.
Has Monkey Balls been in yet or is he still sulking?
May 29th, 2008 @ 5:26 pm
Where’s everyone gone? They weren’t that bad. Actually the coffin one was excellent, wasn’t it Twenty?
May 29th, 2008 @ 5:32 pm
A teenager is starting his first day in a general store – the king that sells absolutely everything. The Senior Salesman is showing him the ropes, when a customer comes in. “Can I serve him?” asks the teenager. “Ok,” replies the Senior Salesman.
The teenager approaches the customer, who asks “Could I have a packet of grass seed, please?” The teenager serves him, takes his money and struts proudly back to the Senior Salesman.
“How’d I do?” he asked.
“Not very well,” replied the SS. “You sold him what he came in for – anyone can do that. The skill lies in selling him more than he came in for.”
Just then another customer entered the shop. “Watch and learn,” said the senior salesman.
“Could I have a packet of grass-seed please?” asked the customer.
“Certainly, sir,” said the SS, “and would you like a lawnmower?”
“Pardon?” said the customer.
“Well, sir, this is really terrific grass-seed. Within a week your grass will be two inches high. You’ll need to get a lawnmower at it as soon as possible.”
“Good idea,” said the customer. The SS gave him the grass-seed and the lawnmower, took his money and practically moon-danced his way back to the awe-struck teenager. “Now that’s selling,” he said smugly.
Another customer walked in (right on cue, the extras in this joke are top-rate actors in their own right, many with years of experience in light-bulb and animal-walks-into-a-bar jokes), and the teenager says “give me another go, please. I bet I can do it”.
“Ok,” says the SS, “do your best”.
The teenager approached the rather embarrassed-looking customer. “Can I help you sir?”
“Yes,” said the customer, “could I have a packet of (and here his voice dropped to a whisper)tampons, please?”
“Tampons?”
“Yes, it’s my wife’s time, er, of, well, you know..”
The teenager gulped. He could near the SS sniggering behind him. He fetched a packet of tampons (the joke doesn’t make clear whether or not they had wings) and handed them over.
“Here you are, sir” he said, “and would you like a lawnmower?”
“What!?” exclaimed both the customer and the Senior Salesman.
“Well let’s face it,” said the teenager, “your weekend’s fucked, you might as well cut the grass.”
May 29th, 2008 @ 5:37 pm
Peader – I reckon the Drunk on the swing is no 1 followed very closly by the Coffin gag
Last one before I fuck off home….
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
May 29th, 2008 @ 5:45 pm
man facing last test before becoming member of south african police. superintendent asks him to kill twelve rabbits and a black. man asks “why twelve rabbits?” superintendent says “congratulations, you’ve passed”
May 29th, 2008 @ 5:53 pm
One more
A mother was drying herself after getting out of the shower when her 5 year old son walked in. He pointed at her pubic hair cover pussy and asked what it was.
The mother didn’t want to go into detail until she had time to think about it and expalin it properly. So she told him it was her hedgehog. The son was perfectly happy with this explanation and went on running around the house.
A few days later, having seen his granny getting out of the shower, the 5 year old ran down stairs and told his mammy that grannys hedgehog was dead. “How do you know that?” his mother asked. “Because its guts are hanging out” the 5 year old replied
May 29th, 2008 @ 5:57 pm
Jo, just got home, told wife the bath-fart joke, she’s still laughing.
May 29th, 2008 @ 5:58 pm
Yesterday I went and bought a decaf coffee table.
I put a humidifier and a de-humidifier in the same room to see what would happen.
I have this light switch in my apartment that doesn’t seem to be connected to anything. I kept it switching it on and off and this lady called from Moscow told me hey, cut that out.
Good old Steve Wright, one of the funniest bastards going.
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:07 pm
He also said “my friend George is a radio announcer and when he walks unders a bridge you can’t hear him talk.”
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:07 pm
Another hedgehog one…
Kid walks in on his Dad in the bathroom.
What’s that between your legs Dad?
That my hedgehog.
Wow, he’s got a fine pair of balls on him!
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:08 pm
Another similar type (though by someone else) was “My Aunt Marge has been sick for so long we’ve changed her name to I Can’t Believe She’s Not Better.”
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:10 pm
I was stopped on a one way by a cop who said hey this is a one way. I said I’m only going one way.
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:12 pm
A man brings a hooker back to his room. To make conversation, he says “Have you ever been caught by the Fuzz?”
“No,” she replies, “but I’ve been swung around by the tits.”
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:16 pm
How do you make a squirrel scream? You pinch his nuts.
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:17 pm
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn’t run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn’t have any arms or legs.
“I’m here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and I have no legs so I can’t run away from you.”
“Yes, but are you good in bed?”
“How do you think I rang the doorbell?”
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:18 pm
A guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall. “Excuse me” he says “But I’ve lost my wife here somewhere and I can’t find her. Could you please help me?”
“What do you need me to do?” asks the woman.
“Just stand here and talk to me” the man replies.
“How’s that going to help?” she asks
“I don’t know exactly, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of no where!”
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:19 pm
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:20 pm
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig.
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:21 pm
So, a baby seal walks into a club…
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:25 pm
Which comedian used to say….
Ah Whacka whacka whacka
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:26 pm
Guy goes on holidays to Jerusalem. Passes a shop with all kinds of hi-tech gadgets in the window. Goes inside and says “I’d like to buy an MP3 player”. “I’m sorry, sir,” the man says, “but this is a place where we circumcise Jewish boys.” “But why do you have MP3 players in the window?” “Well, what do *you* think we should put in the window?”
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:27 pm
Two nuns are riding bicycles down an unfamiliar road. One nun says, “I’ve never come this way before.” The second nun says, “Me neither. It must be the cobblestones.”
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:29 pm
“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Control-freak. Now YOU say ‘Control-freak who’…”
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:30 pm
OK, my work here is done
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:31 pm
two nuns are driving through romania
next thing a vampire jumps on the bonnet of the car
the nun says “Get off the car vampire”
the second nuns says “Show him your cross”
so the nun says
“Get off the fucking bonnet you cunt”
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:33 pm
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a jointwhen a lizard walks past,looks up and says to the
monkey, “Hey, what’re you doing?”
The monkey replies, “Smokin’ a joint, come up and havesome.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and he’s going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while
taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle.
He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says “Hey!”
The monkey looks down and says,”Fuuuuuuuuuuuck……..How much water did you drink?!”
May 29th, 2008 @ 6:57 pm
two brothers are in a shoe-shop, and one brother is saying things like: ‘you’re some donkey, just try another size’, and then, ‘Hey, donkey, what about these?’. The shop assistant is taken aback at this behaviour and tells the rude brother to stop calling his poor brother ‘donkey’. Some minutes later she overhears him saying: ‘Ah Donkey, would you just pick a pair so we can get out of here’. She storms over to them and asks the shoe-buying brother why he is allowing his brother to speak to him like that……and then he says: ‘He, He, He al, He al, he al, he always calls me Donkey’!!!!!
May 29th, 2008 @ 7:05 pm
A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, “My feet are cold. Would you get me my slippers for me?”
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend’s two gorgeous daughters.
He says, “Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to fuck you.”
The first daughter says, “That’s not true.”
He says, “I’ll prove it.”
He yells down the stairs, “Both of them?”
His friend yells back, “Of course, both of them.”
May 29th, 2008 @ 7:29 pm
Apple Inc today announced it has developed a computer chip which can store and play music in a woman’s breast implants. The i-Tit wil cost $499 or $599 depending on size.
This is considered a major technical breakthrough for women who complain men stare at their tits but don’t listen to them
May 29th, 2008 @ 7:30 pm
Reading these jokes is a fabulous way to attend a boring teleconference call…
May 29th, 2008 @ 8:10 pm
I used to be a necrophiliac until some rotten cunt split on me.
(I’ll get my coat)
May 29th, 2008 @ 8:24 pm
A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.
“DIG!” says the voice.
The man looks around, a little confused.
“DIG!” Booms the voice again.
The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts
“OPEN!”
He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He’s a little taken aback when the voice shouts again
“CASINO!”
What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout
“ROULETTE!”
He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.
“16 BLACK!” the voice says
So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.
“FUCK!” shouts the voice…
May 29th, 2008 @ 8:45 pm
Why did the feminist cross the road?
BECAUSE SHE COULD!
May 29th, 2008 @ 8:48 pm
A guy is a supermarket when a lovely, vaguely familar-looking woman smiles at him. He smiles back and she comes over and says “I think you’re the father of one of my children.”
“Oh, no!” he says, “are you the kissogarm I ended up shagging on the pool table at my stag party, coz I swear that was the only time I’ve ever been unfaithful to my wife.”
“Er, no,” she says, “I -”
“God, you’re not the girl I met while I was out celebrating coz my wife was in hospital having our daughter, and we ended up having sex in the back of your car, coz that’s the only other time I’ve ever been unfaithful to my wife.”
“No, she says, I mean I think I’m your daughter’s teacher.”
May 29th, 2008 @ 8:52 pm
Why did Fred Freegan cross the road?
Coz that’s where the skip was.
Why did Gluaistean cross the road?
COZ HE WAS FED UP HERE WITH ALL OF US MOANING ALL THE TIME AND WANTED TO MAKE A BETTER LIFE FOR HIMSELF FAR AWAY.
Why did Brian cross the road?
Don’t know, I asked him, but he said he listened to half my question and then fell asleep.
May 29th, 2008 @ 8:55 pm
haha at that last one.
May 29th, 2008 @ 9:02 pm
Why did the feminist cross the road?
What was she doing out of the kitchen?
May 29th, 2008 @ 9:06 pm
Hahah 120.
May 29th, 2008 @ 9:10 pm
The Aristocrats joke.
If you’re not familiar with it; the comedian was doing 9-11 jokes a couple of days after 9-11. The crowd turned so he changed direction
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGVL_reIuJM
There’s a southpark version now
May 29th, 2008 @ 9:25 pm
Southpark version – http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=reHC0M6hXwY
May 29th, 2008 @ 9:26 pm
Background – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats_(film)
May 29th, 2008 @ 9:28 pm
Someone help me – I don’t get it!
May 29th, 2008 @ 9:31 pm
Ok, that was helpful, Twenty. Though I’m still a bit confused by the punchline.
The secret handshake aspect is cool.
May 29th, 2008 @ 9:32 pm
The punchline is irrelevant – it’s just about how filthy you make the rest of it.
May 29th, 2008 @ 9:40 pm
Not exactly a joke, but I’m watching the Ireland – Columbia game and there’s an advertising hoarding saying “Give Blood – Text Blood to 53377.”
Fuck it, if I’d known is was that painless I’d have done it years ago.
May 29th, 2008 @ 9:51 pm
What if a giant bored needle suddenly appears out of your phone and plunges into your – neck! – then vaccuums out a pint and leaves you bruised and weak without even a Guinness to rstore you. And charges you €2/2 pints a day if you forget to unsubscribe.
May 29th, 2008 @ 9:55 pm
cartman…he’s such a fucker
A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman,
“Got any bread”?
Barman say’s,
“No, I’ve no bread”
Duck asks,
“got any bread?”
Barman say’s,
“No, I’ve no bread”.
Duck asks,
“got any bread?”
Barman say’s,
“No, I’ve no bread”
Duck asks,
“got any bread?”
Barman say’s,
“No. I’ve no bread and if you ask me that one more time I’ll nail your bill to the fucking counter”
Duck asks,
“Got any nails?”
Barman say’s,
“No”
Duck asks
“Got any bread”
that’s Mats Wilanders fave joke
May 29th, 2008 @ 10:12 pm
Wood worm goes into a bar and asks “Where’s the bar tender?”
May 29th, 2008 @ 10:12 pm
Ahhh, the Aristocrats…. Did you know Donaghue once told that joke for 90 minutes?
Just so this post isn’t a total waste of pixels and bytes…
What’s the biggest cause of paedophilia in this country?
Sexy kids.
May 29th, 2008 @ 10:24 pm
What’s the worst thing about fucking twenty-six year olds?
There’s twenty of them.
May 29th, 2008 @ 10:31 pm
A Jewish boy walks up to his father and asks: “Dad, can I have 50 cents please?”
Dad replies: “40 cents? What do you want 30 cents for? I haven’t got 20 cents. Here’s 10 cents, share it with your sister.”
May 29th, 2008 @ 11:26 pm
This is the only joke I could remember for years:
Man goes into a dentist..
Dentist: Have you been engaging in oral sex?
Man: Yeah, why do I have pubes in my teeth?
Dentist: No… you’ve got shit up your nose.
Sorry.
May 30th, 2008 @ 12:22 am
Statistically… 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
May 30th, 2008 @ 12:46 am
sounds like one of those old ads for daz there pat.
“9 out of 10 people prefer gang rape according to surveys”
May 30th, 2008 @ 12:55 am
Two blondes walk into a building….
You’d think one of them would have seen it.
Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says;
“You drive, I’ll shoot!”
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Why did the other koala bear fall out of the tree?
He was dead too.
Why’d the tree fall down?
He thought it was a joke.
What’s black and white and goes bump bump bump?
A nun rolling down the stairs.
What’s black and white and goes ‘hee hee hee’ ?
The nun who pushed her.
“My friend sent me a postcard of the whole world – and on the back he wrote ‘wish you were here’”
“Broke a mirror in my house the other day. I’m meant to get 7 years bad luck but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5.”
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. “
I’m done.
May 30th, 2008 @ 1:12 am
Thalidomide Arms? You sad, sick, fucking cunt.
May 30th, 2008 @ 1:33 am
2 ducks crossing the road
one says “quack,quack”
the other says “I’m going as quack as I can!”
p.s. Fuck off Danny
May 30th, 2008 @ 1:36 am
Tinman18,
At least you’re an equal opportunities slagger!
May 30th, 2008 @ 1:50 am
What has 12 legs, 12 arms, 6 heads 2 pricks and a fanny
May 30th, 2008 @ 1:51 am
Fuck. I made a balls of that. forget about it
May 30th, 2008 @ 2:04 am
A lot of people say to me “get out of my garden”-Joe Pasquale
May 30th, 2008 @ 2:17 am
A lot of people say to me “get out of my garden”-Joe Pasquale
Shit. I don’t get that. who’s joe pasquelle?
My name is danny; I believe I can flyyyyy; I believe a kan tuch de skyyyyy”
freedom is winnin’
*burp
May 30th, 2008 @ 2:27 am
Priest walking along a seaside clifftop when he meets a wee girl crying.
“What’s wrong my child?” he asks.
“Waaah! My mammy and daddy were in the car and they must have left the handbrake off cos it went over the cliff and they were in it and it blew up when it hit the bottom and they’re all dead and I’m an only child and I have no relatives and I’m ALL ALONE!!!!” bawled the wee child.
The priest looks over his shoulder, starts unbuttoning his cassock and says:
“It’s just not your day, is it?”
Three lads meet up in the pub on a Sunday after a hoor of a Saturday night.
First guy: Jasus lads, I was langered last night. I went home and I blew chunks on the living room rug.
Second guy says: That’s nothing. I went home, barfed in the hall and then stopped on the landing and pissed down the stairs.
Third guy: Ah lads, get yer hands off it, I got in, spewed all over the stairs, got into bed, pissed all over the wife and when she told me to go to the toilet, I got up and had a shite in the wardrobe.
First guy: But you don’t understand….
….Chunks is my DOG!!!!!
May 30th, 2008 @ 3:43 am
Did you hear about the dyslexic bank robber? He went into the bank screaming “Hands in the air mother-stickers; this is a fuck-up!”
May 30th, 2008 @ 3:49 am
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association…
May 30th, 2008 @ 4:26 am
The duck joke is a personal favourite, as is the world’s shortest joke (seal walks into a club…)But that’s possibly cause i can remember it.
Also quite fond of ..two sausages sitting in a frying pan, one sausage, ‘Man, it’s getting hot in here.’
Other sausage, ‘Fuck! A talking sausage!’
May 30th, 2008 @ 7:39 am
Girl gets on a bus with a tampon over her ear.
Hey, says the driver, you’ve got a tampon over your ear.
Fuck, says she, where’s me fag…
May 30th, 2008 @ 7:43 am
So I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”.
He said “How flexible are you?”.
I said “I can’t be here on Tuesdays”.
May 30th, 2008 @ 7:46 am
Last one.
Little lad crying in the supermarket, manager comes over and asks him why.
I’ve lost me mammy, say the lad.
No worries, says the manager, I’ll help you find her. What’s she like?
Big dicks and vodka.. says he.
May 30th, 2008 @ 7:50 am
A seal walks into a club…
May 30th, 2008 @ 8:36 am
Q. Smallest hotel in the hotel in the world?
A. A gash, you have to leave your bags outside.!
May 30th, 2008 @ 8:41 am
Two Nuns in a bath.
Nun1: Where’s the soap?
Nun2: Yes it does, doesn’t it.
May 30th, 2008 @ 8:57 am
On reading back Mr Major, shouldn’t comment 136 read, ‘What’s the BEST thing about fucking 26 year olds?’?
May 30th, 2008 @ 9:04 am
Depends on your age, Anarchy!
May 30th, 2008 @ 9:05 am
Two on the same theme. Bad, old, but I love ‘em.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who drowned after falling into a vat of muesli?
A: He got pulled under by a strong currant.
Q: Did you hear about the other guy who died after he fell into a vat of hundreds and thousands?
A: He topped himself.
May 30th, 2008 @ 9:08 am
Those are my favourite kinds of jokes..
May 30th, 2008 @ 9:27 am
This is a quick story about the bond formed between a
little girl and a group of building workers.
It makes you want to believe in the goodness of people
and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty
plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to
start building a house. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter
naturally
took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started
talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with
hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of
project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while
they
had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and
there
to make her feel important, They even gave her, her very own hard hat
and gloves.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a
pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took
her ‘pay’ home to her mother who suggested that they take the money
she
had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink
listening to the little girl telling her about her ‘work’ on the
building site and the fact she had a ‘pay packet’.
“You must have worked very hard to earn all this”, said
the bank cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, “I worked all last week
with the men building a big house.”
“My goodness gracious,” said the cashier, “Will you be
working on the house again this week, as well?”
The little girl thought for a moment and said…
“I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewson’s deliver
the fucking bricks.”
May 30th, 2008 @ 9:36 am
I went to a seafood disco the other night…
Pulled a mussel…
May 30th, 2008 @ 9:36 am
Cowboy goes into a German car factory…
Shouts “AUDI”…
May 30th, 2008 @ 9:47 am
My favorite joke:
Borderline Security
Dr. Ari Juels explains overlooked nuances of security and privacy for the upcoming U.S. Passport card.
The U.S. Passport card or PASS (People Access Security Service) card, a new travel document, is slated for issue by the federal government in the spring of this year. A poor cousin to the standard passport, it’s more compact and less expensive, but valid only at land and sea points of border entry into the United States, not for air travel. The PASS card emerged as part of the Western Hemisphere Travel Initiative (WHTI), which phases out drivers’ licenses as border-crossing documents for the U.S.
Like versions of the U.S. Passport, the PASS card will carry a wireless microchip (RFID tag). The Department of Homeland Security selected EPC (Electronic Product Code) Gen-2 tags for this purpose. EPC tags are cheap (very roughly $0.10 apiece). They also have the relatively long read range of some 30 feet, a feature that enables rapid, drive-through border control. In preparation for inspection at a border crossing, the driver and passengers of a motor vehicle place their PASS cards on the vehicle dashboard for scanning. Unique identifiers in cards enable the computer of a border-control agent to reference a centralized database, pulling and displaying the bearers’ photos and personal data. (Agents may also examine the visible security features in PASS cards, e.g., holograms.)
I’ve heard two starkly contrasting opinions on the security of the PASS card:
The PASS card is dangerously flawed: EPC tags are effectively just wireless barcodes. They were designed for consumer items, not security applications. These tags can be clandestinely scanned (under ideal conditions) at a distance of tens or hundreds of feet, and can be easily copied. Unlike the chip on a true U.S. passport, PASS card chips have no cryptographic protections against skimming or counterfeiting. A terrorist can secretly skim the credentials of a U.S. citizen with a passing physical resemblance and gain entry to the U.S. on a forged PASS card.
The PASS card offers strong security: It is true that the serial number on an EPC tag can be easily copied into a new tag. The TID (tag identifier), a manufacturer-programmed serial number in an EPC tag, is immutable, though, and therefore prevents cloning attacks. Even if a tag were cloned, the border-control process involves live photographic identification of travelers. An imposter has no better a chance of success against PASS than one with a stolen conventional passport. Moreover, a PASS card carries no personally identifiable information.
Neither view is strictly fair. Rather than coming down on one side or the other, I’d simply like to highlight what seem to me some oft-overlooked nuances:
1. Cloning and the TID: The TID (“Tag ID” memory) of an EPC tag can carry a tag-specific serial number that prevents copying of one EPC tag into another. (Description of the TID in the DHS Privacy Assessment Impact for PASS as a “powerful tool…to remove the risk of cloning” is correct in this strictly limited sense.) An EPC tag, though, can be simulated in a spoofing device that need not resemble a chip. (The inevitable open-design experimental RFID tools for EPC will eliminate any need for special expertise in the construction of such a device.) There is limited benefit even in a border control agent’s inspection of the visible security features on travelers’ cards. While the cards in an agent’s hands may be perfectly authentic, these cards may not be the same devices as were scanned when a given car drove up.
2. Better authentication: While a matter of straightforward engineering to build an EPC spoof device, there are some simple techniques to reduce the risk of EPC skimming.
3. Photo inspection: The aim of the PASS card is to speed travelers conveniently across the border, and it seems likely that border-control agents will not carefully compare the photos their computer screens with the faces of travelers. The need to peer through car windows to inspect travelers will not help–particularly when they are bundled up in coats, hats, and so forth at the Canadian border in winter.
4. Privacy and function creep: The PASS card will come with a radio-opaque sleeve to protect against skimming when the card is not in use. But what are the chances of bearers retaining and using these sleeves? By way of the Enhanced Driver’s Licenses (EDL) program, the PASS chip is wending its way into other identity documents, such as the Washington state driver’s license. Are the owners of these cards also expected to use protective sleeves? Will state governments be as well equipped to manage EDL as DHS is to manage PASS? And who ultimately will have access to the PASS database? How will it be protected?
Those with the liberty to ignore other considerations can easily quibble with any technical design. And the effectiveness of passenger identification at border control as a national security tool is hardly obvious. Discussions with colleagues and DHS staff have left me with no question that DHS earnestly sought to achieve the strongest possible privacy and security within the budgetary and political constraints of WHTI. The PASS card may prove adequate, though not ideal.
That said, the PASS system is a brittle one. Adopted and adapted by other organizations–such as state agencies issuing driver’s licenses–its security could well degrade. Cloning of PASS cards by imposters is a worry. Cloning of the PASS architecture by state governments and other organizations is a serious worry too.
May 30th, 2008 @ 9:49 am
Some people…
May 30th, 2008 @ 10:06 am
Whats better than riding a 10 year old?
Nothing!
May 30th, 2008 @ 10:26 am
Two elephants walk off a cliff. Boom-boom!
May 30th, 2008 @ 10:47 am
did your hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac,he kept waking up during the night wondering if there was a dog
May 30th, 2008 @ 12:48 pm
A man, who for the purposes of this joke we’ll call Howard, won the national lottery five times in the space of three weeks. He had more money than he could possibly know what to do with. So, he decided to spend a decent chunk of it by purchasing a small island just of the coast of Australia, where he had a house built for him.
To celebrate his win, he got into his private yacht and sailed to the mainland, where he soon found a pub to have just a couple of quiet drinks. As the barman poured him a pint, a woman burst through the doors screaming
“Quick, look, the island over there’s on fire!! There’s flames everywhere!”
Howard ran outside, and to his dismay discovered that it was his house on fire. So he bombed over the sea in his yacht, to see a little green man carrying a box of matches and a can of petrol in a speedboat heading off into the distance. So he set off to chase the little green man down, but he was much too fast and sped off into the distance.
However, Howard was not too disheartened. He’d still got plenty of money left after all. So the next day, he bought a large detatched house back on the mainland, then went back to the pub for a drink. As the barman poured Howard a pint, a woman burst into the establishment screaming
“Quick, look, that house over there’s on fire! The whole place is going up in smoke!!”
Fearing the worst, Howard ran outside to discover his worst nightmares come true. It was indeed his house that was burning down. So, he ran over to the burning ruins, just in time to see a little green man running off into the forest carrying a box of matches and a can of petrol. Howard tore after him, though in the thick of the forest, the little green man hid easily and Howard was left only to give up his chase.
Now thoroughly disheartened and quite poor, Howard bought a small terrace in one of the dodgier bits of town. To ease his depression, he headed off to the pub to settle his woes. As the barman was pouring a pint for him, a woman burst into the pub screaming
“Quick, look, that house over there’s on fire! It’s completely burning to the ground!!!!”
Howard put his head in his hands. As he trudged outside, he saw that, yes, it WAS his house on fire…Full of rage, he ran as hard as he could over to it, just in time to see a little green man tearing off into the distance carrying a box of matches and a can of petrol. As hard as he tried, Howard couldn’t catch up with him, and he slumped, completely broken and penniless back to the pub, and crawled into a cardboard box outside in the yard of the pub.
Howard crawled into the pub. The barman, taking pity on his situation, gave Howard a pint on the house. As he drank his cooling beverage, a woman ran into the pub screaming
“Quick, look, that box in the corner has caught fire!! Someone put it out!!”
Howard was completely overcome with anger. All his energy was consumed tearing after the little green man in the distance, carrying a box of matches and a can of petrol.
Half an hour of running later, Howard stumbled across a little green man sitting in a pub with a box of matches and can of petrol by his side.
Fuming with rage, Howard shouted
“Are you the little green cunt who keeps setting fire to every last thing I own???”
The little green man looked at him and replied: “No.”
May 30th, 2008 @ 3:10 pm
What’s red and bad for your teeth??
A brick
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose??
Full
May 30th, 2008 @ 3:28 pm
What happened the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
May 30th, 2008 @ 3:31 pm
What dooes spinach and anal sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a child then chances are you won’t like it as an adult either.
May 30th, 2008 @ 4:19 pm
Why did the plane crash?
The pilot was a loaf of bread.
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Somebody threw a fridge at her
May 30th, 2008 @ 4:23 pm
Why was Katie dirty?
Because she was dragged through a field and raped.
May 30th, 2008 @ 4:24 pm
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
May 30th, 2008 @ 4:26 pm
Cigarettes are beyond any doubt the biggest cause of statistics.
(Not really a joke but meh)
May 30th, 2008 @ 4:28 pm
A survey was taken on what men liked about women’s legs. 31% said they like thin legs, 28% said they liked fat legs and 61% said they liked something in between.
May 30th, 2008 @ 4:30 pm
That 61% should be 41. I love baby jokes..
May 30th, 2008 @ 4:52 pm
What’s worse than 3 dead babys in a bin?
One dead baby in 3 bins!!
May 30th, 2008 @ 6:54 pm
Joe Pasquale is that godawful fella that presented The Price is Right last year.
Stewart Lee on the other hand is fantastic.
May 30th, 2008 @ 11:12 pm
Stewart Lee is a funny guy
May 31st, 2008 @ 1:02 am
Hey Bryn, can you let us all know where you really meant to post that because somewhere there’s a very fucking funny joke and we want it back.
May 31st, 2008 @ 1:05 am
How do you get a queer to fuck your wife?
Shit in her cunt.
May 31st, 2008 @ 4:34 pm
Oral sex makes yer day, anal sex makes your (w)hole week/weak.
June 2nd, 2008 @ 9:35 pm
what do you call a goat in a boat ?
Billy Ocean
June 2nd, 2008 @ 9:36 pm
What do you call a goat on the dole ?
Billy Idol
June 2nd, 2008 @ 9:37 pm
What do you call a goat in Spain ?
Billy Holiday
June 2nd, 2008 @ 9:38 pm
What do you call a goat in a train station ?
Billy Connolly
June 3rd, 2008 @ 4:32 am
A pregnant woman calls her mother:
“Ma! Ma! Me waters have broken!”
“Calm down, love. Where are you ringing from?”
“From me gee to me ankles”
June 3rd, 2008 @ 8:23 am
jaja
June 3rd, 2008 @ 9:01 am
From the “Humour in Uniform” feature in Reader’s Digest 1958;
A sergeant was on the square drilling the “awkward squad” of backward recruits, lads who had trouble telling left from right or marching in step. A passing army nurse stopped to watch and was soon laughing heartily at their incompetent antics.
The sergeant ordered his section to halt and turned to address the nursing officer; “Do you mind Ma’am!”, he roared. “You only have the one cunt to worry about whereas I have twelve!”
June 3rd, 2008 @ 11:43 am
What do you call a gay muslim?
A Suicide Bummer!!!
June 3rd, 2008 @ 11:45 am
What is better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?
Not being retarded!!!
June 3rd, 2008 @ 11:46 am
What produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother!!!
June 3rd, 2008 @ 12:28 pm
A man relaxing reading the paper
His six year old daughter comes staggering in
she is bleeding and her clothes are torn
What happened to you?
i have just been graped!
Don’t you mean raped?
No,
There was a bunch of them
June 3rd, 2008 @ 12:33 pm
Last fucking one!
A priest walking down a country road
up ahead there is a crashed car lying in a ditch
A small boy is standing beside the car crying his eyes out
MY MAMMY AND DADDY ARE DEAD!!!
MY MAMMY AND DADDY ARE DEAD!!!
The priest smiles and drops his trousers and says
“It’s not your lucky day, is it?”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 3rd, 2008 @ 3:07 pm
Q: Whats the difference between a truck full of potatoes and a truck full of dead babies?
A: You cant unload a truck full of potatoes with a pitch fork.
Q: How do you stop a black baby from crying?
A: Lick its lips and stick it to the window.
Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Megasauras (mega sore ass)
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopus
Q: What do you call a paedophile dinosaur?
A: Barney
June 3rd, 2008 @ 3:49 pm
A man enters a bar and sits down. He orders a drink off the bartender, and settles down on his stool. At this point the bartender notices, much to his surprise, that the figure appears to have a large orange for a head.
The bartender, like all good practitioners of the trade, engages the man in some witty small talk, until the conversation steers naturally to the strange scenario of the man’s head.
“I’m sorry, I know you must get this all the time, but I can’t help noticing you have an orange for a head. How on Earth did that happen?”
“Oh” said the man “it’s a pretty long story.”
“Please tell me the tale, I can’t help but be intrigued by this.”
So the man sets out on his bizarre tale.
“Three years ago, I moved into a strange old house. All of the furniture was still in there, and I loved the house, with its old style and antique furnishings, so I gradually settled in and made it my own. I read daily in the library, absorbing the writings of great men. But one day, when I was tired of this, I noticed the attic. I quickly realised I had never ventured up there, so I went downstairs and got the ladder, went up to the trap door, and slowly lifted up, a small shower of dust and loft insulation covering my shoulders. I climbed through the small opening and into this darkened world…”
“So how did you end up with an orange for a head?”
“I’m coming to that. So up there I found many strange things. I saw a drinks cabinet shaped like a globe, a coat of armour that bore the Heraldic seal of the Duke of Northumberland and several old paintings, some of which were the long lost works of Raphael. However my attention was devoted to a strange old Arabian lamp. Its dull glimmer was covered by a large amount of dust, so I gave it a quick wipe in order to look at its golden countenance.
What occurred next was both shocking, yet also strangely predictable, as we all know that Genies live in these lamps. Anyway, with a loud pop, and a certain amount of smoke, a genie emerged through the spout of the lamp. He wore only trousers and a turban, and seemed thoroughly stereotypical.
’Cheers mate’ said the genie ‘I’ve been stuck in this lamp for many years now, and it was getting a bit boring. In the terms of my service, I will give you three wishes. I can only grant you three, and a wish for more wishes voids this contract. Can I help you now with anything now?’
’Oh yes’ I said, as I was motivated by greed, ‘I would dearly love eternal riches.’
‘Granted’ said the genie, and filled my bank account with more money than I could ever imagine. With it I bought cars and women, I bought a small island state in the Caribbean. I bought power in the UN, and cancelled the Third World Debt. I was a philanthropist to end all philanthropists, beating Bill Gates’ records and putting Bob Geldof to shame.”
“So how did you end up with an orange for a head?”
“I’m coming to that. So I soon realised that I was growing older by the second, and that all of my science labs could cure diseases and symptoms, but never death. So, I rubbed my lamp to ask the genie my second wish.
‘Genie’ I stated, ‘for my second wish I would dearly love to be immortal and unharmable, set for ever at this virile age of 27.’
‘Granted’ he said, and disappeared back into the lamp. In order to test my new found power, I went immediately to the main road and stepped off the kerb. I was almost immediately hit by a truck, but got up unscathed. “This is great” I thought, and tested my new immortality by starting numerous extreme sports as a hobby. I canoed over the Niagara Falls, went base jumping without a parachute and did some snake wrestling in the Andes.
“So how did you end up with an orange for a head?”
“I’m coming to that. So everything was all brilliant but now I had to think about how best to use my last wish. What did I want that could not be bought with unlimited riches or earned with eternal youth…?”
“So what did you wish for?” said the bartender, desperate for the end of this bizarre tale.
“Well I wished for an orange for a head, obviously.”
June 3rd, 2008 @ 5:39 pm
Where do women have curly hair?
Africa
Stevie Wonder is being interviewed on the Late Late Show.
It must have been tough growing up blind says Pat
It could have been worse
How could it have been worse!
I could have been black!
Did you see Stevie’s new car?
Neither has he!!!
June 3rd, 2008 @ 5:45 pm
Nigger walking down a street when he spots a bottle up ahead
He picks it up, gives it a rub and a genie appears
The genie grants him two wishes
what’s your first wish?
I want to be a white man
The genie turns him into a white man
what is your second wish?
I never ever want to work again in my life
The genie turns him back into a nigger
June 3rd, 2008 @ 5:57 pm
Ten things men knows about women
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10 They have tits!
Why do women have orgasms?
It gives them something else to moan about
What worse than a male sexist pig?
A woman who wont do as she is told
What’s the best way for a woman to stop rape?
Say yes!
What’s the best thing about a blow job?
The five minutes of peace and quiet
June 3rd, 2008 @ 6:02 pm
I think that’s probably quite enough now, thanks.
June 4th, 2008 @ 8:54 pm
A Paddy walks into a bar in London, he has long ago lost his right hand in an accident. There is a wristwatch around the stump and his other hand is fine. He sits down, orders a pint and is minding his own business when a guy next to him says “‘scuse me mate, but i couldn’t help but notice that you wear your wristwatch on your stump, an’ one would think like, that yu’d wear it on the other ‘and” To which Paddy replies “Oh, one would, would they, and what would I fuckin wind it with?”
June 7th, 2008 @ 5:55 am
“What’s the difference between Old Trafford and a porcupine?”
“A porcupine has 60,000 pricks on the OUTSIDE!”
June 9th, 2008 @ 5:56 pm
Hospital for Land Mine victims
A patient comes out of a coma
Doctor, i cant feel my legs
i know
we had to amputate your arms
Fuck off
that was funny