Your favourite joke
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on May 29th, 2008
Seeing as it’s all going wrong in the comments below, what is your favourite joke of all time?
Me, I’m terrible at remembering jokes. I get that from my mother who would eagerly regale us at the dinner table with often longwinded stories until she forgot the punchline. Every. Single. Time.
The only one I can ever remember is one I got in a cracker a couple of Christmases ago:
Q: “What’s the smallest pub in the world?”
A: The Thalidomide Arms
Fairy Princess says to Cinderella: “you go to the ball, but you must be home by midnight or your fanny will turn into a melon.”
Cinders goes off in the Pumpkin Coach, arrives at the ball and is spotted by the Prince. He is so taken by her beauty that he invites her to join him at the top table for the banquet.
The first course is melon. Cinders picks delicately at hers with her fork. The Prince picks up his slice and, harmonica-style, sucks the whole thing dry with one long ’slurrrrrp’.
He wipes his mouth, turns to her, and says: “so, what time do you have to be home at?”
“About half-past four.”
May 29th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
May 29th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
1
A woman went into a pub and ordered a double-entendre so the barman gave her one.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
2
Just so’s you know, there’s a pub in Caherciveen called The Claudia Arms.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
3
This one’s my favourite cartoon, so we’ll see is a picture is worth a thousand words.
It’s pissing rain, there are two of a whole lot of different animals in the background,Noah and all his sons are standing around a little ark about the size of a shoe-box.
Noah says: “alright, remind me again which of you fuckers said they knew what a cubit was.”
May 29th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
4
Mummy, Mummy, what’s a spastic?
Shut up Junior and take your feet out of your pockets.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
5
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don’t; you get down off a duck.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
6
The only joke I know…
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?
May 29th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
7
A man walks into a petrol station and says, “can I please have a KitKat Chunky?”
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
“No,” says the man, “I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.”
May 29th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
8
What do you do if Bastardface starts rubbing himself up and down your leg?
Fake an orgasm.
How do you circumcise a whale?
Send down four skin-divers.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
9
ah mach, the magic of a great joke… making fun of some fat bitch!
May 29th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
10
Horse walks into a bar.
Why the long face?
May 29th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
11
Is there any limit to the vileness of the joke
May 29th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
12
Athlete walks into the Olympic Stadium carrying a very long stick. Dorrman says “are you a pole-vaulter”
and the athlete says, no, I’m a German, how did you know my name?”
May 29th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
13
Q-What’s bright red and clumsy?
A- A blood clot.
Sorry.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
14
Dessie, have a look at Twenty’s original joke.
Does that answer your question?
May 29th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
15
My girlfriend said she wanted to have a serious talk to me about our relationship. We had a nice meal and some wine and then she started. “I think we need to decide in what direction our relationship is going.” “I feel we are at a crossroads: one path leads to hardship and commitment but, ultimately, to happiness and joy; the other, well, it just leads to a dead end.” She paused. “So what do you say?”
I thought about it for a while and then replied, “That’s not a crossroads, you silly cow, that’s a T-Junction”
May 29th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
16
Tinman - Believe me - have some really vile ones…
May 29th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
17
Two men are out shopping for shirts. They stop outside a shiet shop and one of the men points to a rather fine hand made shirt in the window.
‘There’s the one I’d get.’
Just then, the owner- a cyclops- came out and punched him on the nose.
Really really sorry.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
18
A guy went to a brothel and asked for a whore that could take 12 inches. The madam gave him her best one, and the guy went in and started banging the hell out of her, but she started screaming that she couldn’t take it. So he goes back to the madam and she gives him another whore. Same thing — he starts banging her and she starts screaming in pain. He’s pissed off now and about to leave when the madam begs him to try one more whore; she assures him this whore will be his best fuck ever. So he goes in a dark room and starts banging another chick, and everything’s going great; she keeps taking it and he’s loving it. Then all of a sudden, she starts foaming at the mouth. The guy gets freaked out and runs out to tell the madam, who brings over the custodian and says “Hey, Frank, the dead one’s full again
May 29th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
19
Schoolyard joke:
What’s got seven gees?
A girl spider.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
20
Did you hear the one on Ray Darcy they couldn’t tell for a day because they were laughing so much?
They finally got the original teller to tell it over the phone, and I went the wrong way, I was driving at the time, I missed my turn because I was crying with laughter. I think it might have been the lead up though, as I’ve tried it before without much success. And you have to read it out loud:
Sir Henry gets a new manservant, James. James’ first duty is to attend Sir H in his bath. Sir H is initially happy, in the bubbles, playing with his ducky, when he feels uincomfortable and realises he must fart!
Shy in front of James, who is standing to attention with a towel folded over his arm, he orders him, ‘James, fetch me a glass of brandy!’ James busies himself hanging up the towel, and gracefully glides over to the door - it’s all to late for Sir H, who cant help farting just as James turns the handle. James turns and looks at him strangely, and goes out.
He comes back some time later, carrying a silver tray, with the glass of brandy, a jar of bovril and a hot water bottle.
‘Where have you been James, and what the hell is this!?’ explodes sir H.
‘I’m sorry your lordship, but as I as leaving the room, I could have sworn you asked me for a hot water bottle and a bottle of bovril.’
May 29th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
21
Heh, a blod clot.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
22
Ah hah! Love it.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
23
It gets funnier with repetition!
May 29th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
24
‘I’m sorry your lordship, but as I as leaving the room, I could have sworn you asked me for a hot water bottle and a bottle of bovril.’
??
May 29th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
25
hohwawerbblebtlbbbvrlblub
May 29th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
26
say it out loud, it sounds like an underwater fart - ahotwaterbottleandabottleofbovril
May 29th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
27
Three pregnant women are sitting on a bench, talking about their impending arrivals
First woman says, I am taking lots of calcium as I want my baby to have strong bones and teeth
Second woman says: I am taking iron tablets to make sure this little one has healthy blood and muscles
Third woman, smoking a cigarette while knitting says: I am taking thalidomide, I just can’t do fucking sleeves
May 29th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
28
That happened me once when my brother and I were bathed together.
My mother thought I said the brother was a grumbling cunt. How she laughed.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
29
Polar Bear walks into a bar, appraoches the barman, and says
“Hello there Mr Barman…..
(says nothing for 20 seconds)
…Could I have a pint of guinness(extra cold of course)
please….”
“sure, said the (friendly, of course) Barman,
But why the big Paws??”"
May 29th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
30
doesnt really work in writing…
May 29th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
31
IT does, but it’s an ooooold one.
You’re not serious, are you Holemaster?
May 29th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
32
yeah.. I’m lost too twenty!
May 29th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
33
Why do women die before men?
Someone has to make sandwiches for the funeral.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
34
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She Asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Liverpool fans.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, ‘Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?’
‘I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,’ Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. ‘Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?’
‘Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I’m a Man Utd fan too!’
‘Well,’ said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, ‘that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don’t have to be just like your parents all Of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug Addict, what would you be then?’
‘Then,’ Mary smiled, ‘I’d be a Liverpool fan.’
May 29th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
35
I too find it very hard to remember jokes. This one I remember best even though I heard it when I was only about 8. It made me giggle for ages.
There was a guy flying to New York who was terrified of flying. He couldn’t get out of his seat, such was the fear. He was bursting for a shit but wouldn’t go to the jacks he was that afraid. He managed to put his hand down his trousers and shove a cork up his arse. This helped for a while but eventally the pain was too much so instead of going to the jacks he shat out the window (yeah, yeah I know, but we were only 8). He was fine after this, landed safely in New York and went about his buisness. The next morning he bought a newspaper, the headline of which read “Splutter Splutter in New York, 3 men killed by flying cork”
I’d love to be 8 again
May 29th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
36
An up to the minute one.
What’s blue and white and goes beep beep beep
The Chelasea open top bus reversing back into the garage..
May 29th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
37
“You’re not serious, are you Holemaster?”
My mother would have had a heart attack if she heard that. She probably never heard the word at all in fact.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
38
oh you mean the bathing? Of course!
May 29th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
39
Here’s one to tell your Polish buddies:
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
The German army.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
40
How many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you care? You don’t understand!
May 29th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
41
Of course not the bathing, we were all bathed together.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
42
Why do women parachutists wear jock-straps?
So they don’t whistle on the way down.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
43
..and then there’s all the great god Thor jokes which end with the line “I’m so sore I can hardly piss” said with a lisp..
May 29th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
44
Two cows in a field.
One says, “I’m very worried about this mad cow disease”.
The other says, “It doesn’t bother me, Im a squirrel.”
(Is it ok to slag mental cows Brian?)
May 29th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
45
(Apostrophe amnesty Jo)
May 29th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
46
While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: ‘I’ve got bad news for you - you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.’
The man looks a little perplexed and says: ‘Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.’
The doctor answers: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.’
The man screams in horror, ‘Absolutely not ! I want a second opinion.’
The doctor replies: ‘Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.’
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: ‘Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.’
The guy says to the doctor: ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!’
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: ‘Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!’
‘Oh, Thank God!’ the man replies.
‘Yes,’ says the Chinese doctor, ‘You no worry ! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!
May 29th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
47
For Fuck’s Sake Tinman you always look for the easy targets, it is people like you stigmatising cows with mental health issues that helps perpetrate the poor conditions they have to suffer.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
48
Darren said: I burned up on re-entry once. Should have used more lubrication!
That was pretty funny.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
49
Way to go, Peadar! - Sex, nobs, racial stereotypes, all in the one joke.
It’s like ‘This is Your Life’ for Jim Davidson.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
50
I never said the cow was mental, PP. He might have just been a cunt.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
51
I can’t seem to hunt it down Tinman. I’m having trouble today. I’m in the middle of a correcting marathon, it’s all the mistakes, I’m internalising them, and all the misspellings…
May 29th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
52
Did you know that Brian was a test tube baby?
He wasn’t worth a fuck back then either.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
53
No, not you, Jo, I’m claiming amnesty after saying ‘Im a squirrel’.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
54
I had a student who didn’t know I am and I’m were the same thing. She was bright too.
It’s nice just saying apostrophe amnesty I think, like a little poem
May 29th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
55
A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods and the bear says “Do you have a problem with poo sticking to your fur?” The rabbit says “No.” So the bear picks the rabbit up and wipes his bum with it.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
56
What’s the difference between a blonde girl and a blonde guy?
The blonde girl’s got a higher sperm count.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
57
MArtyBanana, that’s from the Eddie Murphy standup video, can’t rememeber which one - he gave it to the kids in the audience as one thing they could tell in school the next day.
I loved it when I saw it first but watched a bit of it on tv a while back - so dated and sexist and homophobic and not very funny!
May 29th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
58
Ooh! Ooh! Blonde jokes!
What’s the difference between a blonde chick and a shopping trolley?
A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
59
What’s the difference between a Lada and a Jehovah’s Witness?
You can shut the door on a Jehovah’s Witness.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
60
In honour of my visiting Mother in Law: how many Irish sons does it take to change a light bulb?
No,no, that’s alright - you go on out and enjoy yourself, and I’ll just sit here in the dark.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
61
A lady got on a bus with her baby in her arms. The bus driver said to her as she paid “that is the ugliest baby i ever saw”. The woman was totally shocked by this. She walked to her seat without saying a word. She was almost in tears. The man she sat beside could see she was upset and asked her what was wrong. She told him that the bus driver had been really rude to her. “That’s terrible” the man replied “he’s been paid to drive this bus and should be polite and friendly while doing so. If I was you I’d go back up there and ask for an apology”
“You’re right” she replied “I’m not going to let him away with been rude to me”
“Yeah, go on” the man encouraged her “here let me hold your monkey”
May 29th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
62
I love that one!
May 29th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
63
I didn’t know that, Jo. I’ve never seen any Eddie Murphy videos. I don’t remember where I heard that joke, but I remember it because it’s funny.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
64
Each of my kids has told the bear and rabbit joke on holiday at the age of about eight in one of those kid talent shows they insist on doing in resorts. It’s kind of like a rite of passage for them. The reaction from the adults is always great - there’s a kind of stunned silence, and then a really big laugh.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
65
Sorry Marty, it is funny - I meant the rest of the video! He told it well though :)
May 29th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
66
How do a blonde girls brain cells die ?
….Alone.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
67
There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.
He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. “Bet you can’t guess how old I am today”, the boy said.
The father has no clue and finally gives up.
“I’m eleven!” the boy exclaims.
Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandmother, and says, “Bet you’ can’t guess how old I am today”.
“Let me give it a guess”, his grandmother says and sticks her hand in his trousers.
She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, “You’re eleven years old”.
“How did you know?” the boy asked.
“I heard you tell your father,’’ she replied.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
68
Kids telling jokes is pretty funny. Not because they’re good at it but it’s all the eye rolling and eh’s and ah’s and em’s and total lack of correct punchline. It’s like when they try to cook.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
69
why should you wrap your hamster in masking tape?
so it doesn’t explode when you put your cock in it.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
70
Jesus Fox.
Jesus Fox, what a name!
May 29th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
71
Funniest song I’ve ever heard:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xalI882fysg
The quality of the clip is woeful, but stick with it - the punch line is worth it.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
72
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious
man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter”.
Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Brian was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the
ground. “This ain’t so bad” he thought
until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Brian
“Well just relax and let it happen”
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced
motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Brian, wake up you bastard, you’re shitting in the bed”
May 29th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
73
Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman went into a pub.
The barman said.
“What’s this? Some kind of a fucking joke?”
May 29th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
74
A girl goes to the doctor as her vag is all scabby and foul smelling.
The doctor has a look and says
“I have two things to tell you, once you start using the cremem I am giving you, it is vital that you stop having fottsie sex with your boyfriend.”
amazed that the doctor knew her fetish, she asks him what the second thing is;
“Your boyfriend is cheating on you”
“How do you know?”
“This is the fourth case of athlete’s cunt this week”
May 29th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
75
A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the Scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living fuck out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clietele stood silent and motionless.
Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:
Barman: “Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?”
Scouser: “Dunno, but it was something about a ‘job’.”
May 29th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
76
Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.
Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence
was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise…….
BUMP……..
BUMP……..
BUMP……..
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP……..
BUMP……..
He froze to the spot, he couldn’t believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly….It was a coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster………
BUMP……..BUMP……
BUMP……..BUMP…..
BUMP……..BUMP……
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him……
BUMP……..BUMP……BUMP……
BUMP……..BUMP……BUMP……
BUMP……..BUMP……BUMP……
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .
BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…BUMP.
BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…..
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room,andlumped into his comfy chair.Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase…..
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door……..
BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…
BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing andlaunched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges….
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet……
He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin…….still it came .
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it …..
Still it came……
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came……
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it……..
The coffin stopped.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
77
Haaa!
Alright Peadar, you’re winning.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
78
er um
May 29th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
79
Oh right. Fuck sake that’s worse my meringue one.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
80
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in
the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is three o’clock the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he
answers. “Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it
is pouring out!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.
“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?” “I think you should help him, and you should be
ashamed of yourself! “The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still
there?” “Yes”: comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!” replies the drunk.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
81
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop
She was jubilant !!!!!!!
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked
about her Husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself for the past four hours in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit……….It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be probably be the last shopping trip you ever take ! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. ……….. and you’ll now be his carer !”
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed………..
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, “I’m just pulling your leg
He’s dead. What did you buy?”
May 29th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
82
A Japanese man was trying to exchange yen for dollars at a bank.
Japanese man: “Yest o day I get two hunat dollah fo yen, today I get one hunat eighty. Why it change?”
Teller (shrugs): “Fluctuations”.
Japanese man: “Hey, Fluc you white guys, too!!!
May 29th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
83
heh, fluctuations.
May 29th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
84
You don’t do one-liners, do you Peadar?
May 29th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
85
Yeah, there a bit long alright, I’ll stop now.
Has Monkey Balls been in yet or is he still sulking?
May 29th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
86
Where’s everyone gone? They weren’t that bad. Actually the coffin one was excellent, wasn’t it Twenty?
May 29th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
87
A teenager is starting his first day in a general store - the king that sells absolutely everything. The Senior Salesman is showing him the ropes, when a customer comes in. “Can I serve him?” asks the teenager. “Ok,” replies the Senior Salesman.
The teenager approaches the customer, who asks “Could I have a packet of grass seed, please?” The teenager serves him, takes his money and struts proudly back to the Senior Salesman.
“How’d I do?” he asked.
“Not very well,” replied the SS. “You sold him what he came in for - anyone can do that. The skill lies in selling him more than he came in for.”
Just then another customer entered the shop. “Watch and learn,” said the senior salesman.
“Could I have a packet of grass-seed please?” asked the customer.
“Certainly, sir,” said the SS, “and would you like a lawnmower?”
“Pardon?” said the customer.
“Well, sir, this is really terrific grass-seed. Within a week your grass will be two inches high. You’ll need to get a lawnmower at it as soon as possible.”
“Good idea,” said the customer. The SS gave him the grass-seed and the lawnmower, took his money and practically moon-danced his way back to the awe-struck teenager. “Now that’s selling,” he said smugly.
Another customer walked in (right on cue, the extras in this joke are top-rate actors in their own right, many with years of experience in light-bulb and animal-walks-into-a-bar jokes), and the teenager says “give me another go, please. I bet I can do it”.
“Ok,” says the SS, “do your best”.
The teenager approached the rather embarrassed-looking customer. “Can I help you sir?”
“Yes,” said the customer, “could I have a packet of (and here his voice dropped to a whisper)tampons, please?”
“Tampons?”
“Yes, it’s my wife’s time, er, of, well, you know..”
The teenager gulped. He could near the SS sniggering behind him. He fetched a packet of tampons (the joke doesn’t make clear whether or not they had wings) and handed them over.
“Here you are, sir” he said, “and would you like a lawnmower?”
“What!?” exclaimed both the customer and the Senior Salesman.
“Well let’s face it,” said the teenager, “your weekend’s fucked, you might as well cut the grass.”
May 29th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
88
Peader - I reckon the Drunk on the swing is no 1 followed very closly by the Coffin gag
Last one before I fuck off home….
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
May 29th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
89
man facing last test before becoming member of south african police. superintendent asks him to kill twelve rabbits and a black. man asks “why twelve rabbits?” superintendent says “congratulations, you’ve passed”
May 29th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
90
One more
A mother was drying herself after getting out of the shower when her 5 year old son walked in. He pointed at her pubic hair cover pussy and asked what it was.
The mother didn’t want to go into detail until she had time to think about it and expalin it properly. So she told him it was her hedgehog. The son was perfectly happy with this explanation and went on running around the house.
A few days later, having seen his granny getting out of the shower, the 5 year old ran down stairs and told his mammy that grannys hedgehog was dead. “How do you know that?” his mother asked. “Because its guts are hanging out” the 5 year old replied
May 29th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
91
Jo, just got home, told wife the bath-fart joke, she’s still laughing.
May 29th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
92
Yesterday I went and bought a decaf coffee table.
I put a humidifier and a de-humidifier in the same room to see what would happen.
I have this light switch in my apartment that doesn’t seem to be connected to anything. I kept it switching it on and off and this lady called from Moscow told me hey, cut that out.
Good old Steve Wright, one of the funniest bastards going.
May 29th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
93
He also said “my friend George is a radio announcer and when he walks unders a bridge you can’t hear him talk.”
May 29th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
94
Another hedgehog one…
Kid walks in on his Dad in the bathroom.
What’s that between your legs Dad?
That my hedgehog.
Wow, he’s got a fine pair of balls on him!
May 29th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
95
Another similar type (though by someone else) was “My Aunt Marge has been sick for so long we’ve changed her name to I Can’t Believe She’s Not Better.”
May 29th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
96
I was stopped on a one way by a cop who said hey this is a one way. I said I’m only going one way.
May 29th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
97
A man brings a hooker back to his room. To make conversation, he says “Have you ever been caught by the Fuzz?”
“No,” she replies, “but I’ve been swung around by the tits.”
May 29th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
98
How do you make a squirrel scream? You pinch his nuts.
May 29th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
99
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn’t run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn’t have any arms or legs.
“I’m here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and I have no legs so I can’t run away from you.”
“Yes, but are you good in bed?”
“How do you think I rang the doorbell?”
May 29th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
100
A guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall. “Excuse me” he says “But I’ve lost my wife here somewhere and I can’t find her. Could you please help me?”
“What do you need me to do?” asks the woman.
“Just stand here and talk to me” the man replies.
“How’s that going to help?” she asks
“I don’t know exactly, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of no where!”
May 29th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
101
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
May 29th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
102
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig.
May 29th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
103
So, a baby seal walks into a club…
May 29th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
104
Which comedian used to say….
Ah Whacka whacka whacka
May 29th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
105
Guy goes on holidays to Jerusalem. Passes a shop with all kinds of hi-tech gadgets in the window. Goes inside and says “I’d like to buy an MP3 player”. “I’m sorry, sir,” the man says, “but this is a place where we circumcise Jewish boys.” “But why do you have MP3 players in the window?” “Well, what do *you* think we should put in the window?”
May 29th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
106
Two nuns are riding bicycles down an unfamiliar road. One nun says, “I’ve never come this way before.” The second nun says, “Me neither. It must be the cobblestones.”
May 29th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
107
“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Control-freak. Now YOU say ‘Control-freak who’…”
May 29th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
108
OK, my work here is done
May 29th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
109
two nuns are driving through romania
next thing a vampire jumps on the bonnet of the car
the nun says “Get off the car vampire”
the second nuns says “Show him your cross”
so the nun says
“Get off the fucking bonnet you cunt”
May 29th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
110
A monkey is sitting i