Blame it on the weather, man
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on May 29th, 2008
You know people think the Irish are a bunch of fun loving, craicoholics, always quick with a joke or a smile or a yarn.
But that’s only when we’re pissed. The rest of the time we’re a pack of miserable, grumpy, doleful begrduging cunts. And it’s all down to the weather. You live somewhere where it’s grey and damp 320 days a year and your psyche would be tuned in to that grey, gloomy oppression.
This morning I was out and about early, rather unsual for me I have to say but there you go. Sometimes I have errands to run. I walked out the front door and the sun was shining. I went into the shop next door.
“Good morning, shopkeep!”, I said.
“Ahh, good morning, Twenty. The usual?”, he smiled, beaming like the very sun itself.
“You know it, pal!”, I replied, warmed by his beaming.
So he gave me twenty Major, a packet of Swan Vestas and a Texan bar from the box he keeps specially for me. I bade him good day and continued along my way.
“Good morning, Milky”, I said to Milky, the local postman.
“Good morning to you, Twenty”, he said, turning that frown upside down. “Nothing for you today. No bills!”
“Keep those no bills coming”, I replied.
Normally he’s the crankiest bastard in all the kingdom. I saw a woman struggling to get off a bus with a child trolley, or whatever those things are called, and somebody on the bus actually helped her instead of standing their tutting at how long it was taking to disembark.
When I got to where I needed to go the person I needed to see was in tremendous form, remarking that the day was indeed a fine one to carry out the errand that needed to be carried out. And so it was. There is nothing like extracting money from someone while the sun is shining, warming the back of your neck like a farmer.
Imagine what a friendly nation we’d be if we had this kind of weather all the time. I may found the ‘Let’s invent a massive outboard motor to drive us down to just south of the Algrave Party’. You’d vote for me, I know you would.
“..the sun is shining, warming the back of your neck like a farmer.”
There’s no way I’d let a farmer warm the back of my neck.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:00 am
ah c’mon tinman, just give me five minutes to warm your neck… you’ll love it.
Them children trolley yokes are amazingly awkward though everywhere, how come no one has those things like backpacks which they put the baby’s into anymore?
May 29th, 2008 at 10:04 am
1
MORE TALK, HEARD IT ALL MY LIFE IN IRELAND - SOME OF US GOT OFF OUR REAR ENDS AND DID SOMETHING THOUGH - WE WENT WHERE THERE WAS DESIRABLE WEATHER AND WORK - ‘COURSE ITS THE SECOND PART THAT THE REST WOULDN’T WANT AT ALL…..
May 29th, 2008 at 10:06 am
2
Quiet down you…
May 29th, 2008 at 10:08 am
3
often feel like helping people off the bus, especially at speed. buses are guaranteed to wipe the smile off even the most medicated of happy people
May 29th, 2008 at 10:10 am
4
HALF PAST THREE!
May 29th, 2008 at 10:13 am
5
Twenty, before I decide, could you Clarify - Would it be ‘Let’s invent a massive outboard motor to drive us down to just south of the Algrave Party’policy to take just the 26 counties south of the Algrave or would they plan to take NI as well ? If the former you have my blessings, if not, no way as I don’t want to become a dago. After all we in NI already have blue skies.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:13 am
6
…”down to just south of the Algrave”
Where’s that, beyond Deansgrange?
May 29th, 2008 at 10:18 am
7
Ach, Tinman, I had conncetion problems, and thusly you got to the farmer joke before me.
I think if we had more sunshine hte suicide rate would be lower.
And I talked to soemone once who said that In Ireland he strugglesto get iyt if bed before 9am yet while he was teaching in Spain he was bouncing out of bed at 6.30.
Another problem I think we have is never knowing if the weather we wake up to will last - t might be sunny, but we all fear it’ll cloud over and piss on us by 11am.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:18 am
8
When the sun is out and warm, this country is sure hard to beat.
This leads me on to my topless sun-bathing story.
Some years ago, I was away with my lady at the time and we were sunning ourselves on an amazing and well sheltered beach in the south. She figured as it was a week day and not very busy at all and as we were kind of hidden away at the base of a small cliff, she would chance going topless.
I concurred and agreed to keep sketch. So she lay down getting some sun while I read and kept a lookout. There was nobody around, schools still on and people at work so it was idyllic and quiet.
Then suddenly from behind a large lone rock came three women in full burkas wheeling three buggies.
She didn’t believe me until she sat upright just as they all looked over at us!
May 29th, 2008 at 10:18 am
9
It could have been worse - could have been their rock flinging/masturbating husbands.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:19 am
10
Argh, good spot, Conan.
Perhaps the Algrave is where Madeleine McCann is.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:22 am
11
And Maggot, I;m sure my friends in the ‘Let’s invent a giant saw and saw off the 6 counties before the Let’s invent a massive outboard motor to drive us down to just south of the Algrave Party actually drive us down there Party’ could be persuaded to get involved.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:23 am
12
Good man Twenty - I’m sure that would clinch the deal for most people in the 26 as well !
Jo, really - what sort of talk is that for a lady?
May 29th, 2008 at 10:26 am
13
And how do they masturbate rocks?
May 29th, 2008 at 10:26 am
14
I’m fairly sure a / means and/or, Tinamn.
I’m just remembering a story my mother’s friend told about making the mistake of wearing swimsuits to the beach in, oh, I can’t rememeber,whichever Arab country it actually was.
They looked up at the wall above them to see a line of men wanking away. Memorable.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:30 am
15
Exactly Jo, so they were flinging and/or masturbating the rocks.
Is that where the expression ‘get your rocks off’ comes from?
May 29th, 2008 at 10:33 am
16
Jo! Next thing you’ll be having the weans tatooed and their ears pierced !
Twenty -I may be visiting your country soon - are Major available as Menthol or should I load up with delightful Richmonds?
May 29th, 2008 at 10:34 am
17
Oh, ok, yes. I see now. Such lazy cultural stereotyping, eh?
Get your rocks off, heh.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:34 am
18
Algarve?……this country has enough golf courses,
somewhere East of Barcelona & i’d vote for you.
Just looked at the post again…Algrave…ominous, you’re not planning a clean slate/year Zero thing are you twenty?
May 29th, 2008 at 10:35 am
19
Will you be visiting in a bathchair with a blanket tucked in around your aged legs, maggot, for a wee stroll on the promenade?
May 29th, 2008 at 10:36 am
20
THIS is why I’m an advocate for global warming.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:37 am
21
Maggot - load up.
Anfearbui - addressed the Algrave thing in comment 12. East of Barcelona though, hmmm. That’d be nice.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:37 am
22
legs ? women can be cruel - check my picture Jo.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:38 am
23
Ew, ew. Too early for that. Bleh.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:40 am
24
So I see twenty, bit slow today.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:40 am
25
Have you ever tried menthol smokes Twenty ?
Takes cool to a new level! Delicious.
Last night was special - Burgers, Chips and fried beans, followed by 4 mini toblerone ( I ate the mini terry’s chocolate orange bars at lunchtime )and then a slow cool menthol smoke. Bliss.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:41 am
26
Consulate, maggot?
May 29th, 2008 at 10:42 am
27
Haven’t had consulate in ages. Did treat myself to a packet of senior service last week though - wow, those are serious ciggies. I’d love to find a packet of Gallaghers Blues or Capstan Full strength.
Untipped cigarettes. Those were the days.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:46 am
28
Well, cigaretted may but kill you but they do seem to have killed the conversation
May 29th, 2008 at 11:02 am
29
whoops, may not kill you, that should have been
May 29th, 2008 at 11:02 am
30
The big outboard motor and the enormous saw… You do understand that regardless of the sun and all.. that this would make Leggykelly a premier coastal resort?
May 29th, 2008 at 11:16 am
31
It’s the sunshine, Jo - there are little piles of ashes at computer desks all over the country.
Anyone noticed that there hasn’t been one single post from MB on either the last thread or this one?
You OK, MB?
May 29th, 2008 at 11:16 am
32
http://img.ircimages.com/ircimages/8/3/83d9bfa7c0ca7aa6a59d7f77dfdaf152.jpg
May 29th, 2008 at 11:23 am
33
they do seem to have killed the conversation
we went for a smoke !
May 29th, 2008 at 11:26 am
34
Cute, MMN!
May 29th, 2008 at 11:27 am
35
I went to a Mary Coughlan gig a few years ago (No slagging please. I had no choice) SHe told a longer version of this story.
When Casey was still bishop of Galway he was walking the beach in Salthill one day when he came across (titter) a woman in a bikini. He said to her: “Madam do you realise there’s a one piece swimsuit rule on this beach”
She replied: “which piece would you like me to take off”
May 29th, 2008 at 11:37 am
36
Tinman, MB must be on a minibreak, a la Brigit Jones.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:39 am
37
My friend was once sunbathing nude on a deserted beach on one of the Aran Islands. She’d forgotten her swimsuit and thew caution to the wind.
The strange old man in the woolly hat who’d previously offered them a lobster suddeny materialised above her, looked down at her and said
‘In the nude today, are we?’
I’m not sure quite what the appropriate response was to that.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:42 am
38
I’ll bet MB wears big pants.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:42 am
39
Seems a fair exchange, a lobster for an eyeful.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:43 am
40
The strange old man in the woolly hat
Sounds familiar - where did Twenty get a Lobster ?
May 29th, 2008 at 11:45 am
41
I’m sulking because twenty wasn’t funny enough earlier in the week. I’m in bed pissed and stoned and I’ve wet the bed. Might get up later. Might not. Fuck off cunts
Monkey Balls loves you all!
May 29th, 2008 at 11:47 am
42
Twenty Major - still smoking in lobster pots near you.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:55 am
43
Peadar, you should have just posted as Monkey Balls. I would have bought it.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:56 am
44
Jo - MB would have shat the bed, so I would have guessed.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:57 am
45
maggot, language, I’m shocked at you.
Took me a bemused minute to work out the big pants reference. :)
May 29th, 2008 at 11:59 am
46
Ah Jaysus you can’t beat a sunny day. Copped a day off today and already walked the length of the beach. Now I’ve no idea what to do for the rest of the day. Methinks bonus sleep beckons.
May 29th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
47
Keeping your company has had a bad effect on my language Jo! I’m off to get some tattoos.
May 29th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
48
What are pubs for SG ?
May 29th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
49
Peadar, you should have just posted as Monkey Balls. I would have bought it.
Nah, only total cunts like Brian and Bald Devil do that shit.
I see Glueface was on today. Would that cunt not just fuck off and die
May 29th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
50
“What are pubs for SG”
Socialising in every now and then, I reckon. Solo drinking, although for many a pleasant experience, is not really my thing. No reason, just not into it.
May 29th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
51
You wouldn’t be solo drinking, SG, you’d be sole drinking while everyone else was at work.
That’s the difference.
May 29th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
52
Wow, what is up with that Glue geezer? Hey Glue, tell us a little about yourself. What’s the story there?
May 29th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
53
Hmmm, good point, Tinman. A ‘fuck youse’ pint
May 29th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
54
Don’t think he heard you, SG. Let me try -
‘HEY GLUASTAIN, SG WANTS TO TALK TO YOU!!!!!!!’
Let’s see if that works
May 29th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
55
*Gluasteain cocks head to one side, hearing a distant call on the wind*
May 29th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
56
Aw jeez, don’t get him thinking anyone’s remotely interested in him.
May 29th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
57
More of a mild sociological curiosity than an interest but OK, I’ll head him off at the pass
May 29th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
58
Do we not remember the hot summers we had in the past? The big one of 95?? Every fucking cunt going around the place gasping, and complaining
“oooh the fuckin heeesh!!!”
We will give out, no matter what!
just try us!
May 29th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
59
Maybe it’s just he’s a giant. They’re not so subtle.
May 29th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
60
mmmmm Terry’s chocolate orange bars.
May 29th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
61
If he turns up stick that Lobster up his arse Twenty.
May 29th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
62
The sad thing about my post no 56 is that I wasn’t slagging his name, I actually thought that’s how gluaistean was spelled.
I’d have been able to spell it right if we’d had more up-to-date Irish books at school, bloody Peig never had a gluaistean, she was too busy dying 3 or 4 times during childbirth and watching her potato crop turn to sludge.
May 29th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
63
Milky, the local postman.
Massive heh, simple things Twenty, simple things…
May 29th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
64
Glueface confuses me - I really don’t see the point in showing up occasionally to shout stuff and then disapperaing. I can (almost) see how some of the other randomers who show up, but stick around to defend themselves, can imagine they are pointful.
Glueface I just don’t understand.
May 29th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
65
We called our post man the Quiet Man (Fear On Phoist).
If that’s too subtle, let me know.
May 29th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
66
I didn’t realise you were a yokel Holemaster.
RN - I reckon he has a personality disorder. Won’t be long before he turns into a serial killer
May 29th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
67
He really does sound like an old man ranting and raving in the street.
Post six does tickle my fancy. I do like the random outbursts.
Still maggot - more serial killers - more serial killed - more nurseries for you and your wriggly kind.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
68
Exactly - it’s a win win for the calliphoridae.
Mind you, It would also be neat to see twenty stuffing that Lobster up his arse.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
69
Whatever does it for you, maggot.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
70
FUCK,SHIT,BOLLOCKS,SUNSHINE,EMIGRATE
May 29th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
71
Twenty and the Lobster - a new take on Beckett. Where’s Medbh when you need her.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
72
Probably nudie sunbathing.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
73
Foul Ole Ron from Terry Pratchett - he does sound like one of Twenty’s entourage. ‘Millenium hand and shrimp!’
May 29th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
74
Whatever does it for you, maggot.
On my third Terry’s Chocolate Orange bar Jo.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
75
What a lovely day for me, I went to my local shop for a coffee and when leaving I looked to the floor and saw …a little bag of weed, I did the scoop up as quick as possible and hope I had not been seen manoevre and then meandered off to work greeting everyone with a cheerful good morning.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
76
Hmm, I’ve never been a huge fan of orange chocolate, somehow. Would have the chocolate orange, but not hte bar, where’s hte fun in melded segments?
Still, I’d prefer one to witnessing the lobster shoving event, I think.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
77
My God PP. The weed fairy visited you. Aren’t you lucky you weren’t looking at the stars? Eyes fixed firmly on the ground, fellers.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
78
Jo, I have 4 Toblerone bars for dessert!
May 29th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
79
Are we still talking minis? Where did all this bounty come from?
You remind me of my husband’s story of the first time he went shoping by himself after moving out of home - a trolley loaded with all sorts of treats and sweets and childhood favourites his mother never bought - Angel’s Delight etc.
Then to his horror the guy on the checkout was someone from school, and he had to look unsurprised when his total came to something like £100.
Heh.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
80
Has Morgor the whatever been on lately?
Himself and Monkey Balls must be at it again
May 29th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
81
Jo, I am Scots, I look down hoping to find 50c to brighten my day, this was almost as good as winning the lottto. Best of all I think the fucker that dropped it was a rude fucker who barged before me in the queue. It wasn’t a lot, but enough to brighten my day knowing that in three weeks I will have to attend a Leonard Cohen gig.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
82
Where did all this bounty come from?
Spar. I feel a bit sick now to be honest.
Are you a Toblerone fan ?
May 29th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
83
Mais oui. Je Toblerone.
Have a lovely blonde friend whose me begins with ‘K’, who calls Newton Faulkner Newtown Faulkner and my husband offered her an alp - she said ‘no thanks, I’ll hold on for a K’. Aw!
Leonard Cohen’s funny!
May 29th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
84
Er, Jo???
May 29th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
85
Puerile, have you ever heard this one…..
Man walks into a Baker’s shop and eyes the display then asks the baker…
“Is that an Apple Pie or a meringue?”
Baker: “No you’re right, it IS an Apple Pie”.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
86
Nobody can ever, ever, ever call me a cunt for one of my puns after having to read that.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
87
Full of humour, Tinman - ‘I bought a thin green candle, to make you jealous of me/but the room filled up with mosquitoes/they heard that my body was free’ - that’s funny.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
88
It’s a misunderstood joke, a kind of kicked and poked kid who’s day will come much later in life.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
89
Funnier than the meringue joke. :)
May 29th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
90
The tragedy is Holemaster is I had to read it twice. Still better than Major’s last batch of puns though.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
91
You miserable Scotch cunt. I’m going to do a whole week of them just for that.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
92
“Nobody can ever, ever, ever call me a cunt for one of my puns after having to read that.”
Sounds like a dare, you’re a cunt. Though I would get in before everyone else did.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
93
I’m not asking about Leonard Cohen - I agree about him being funny.
It’s the paragraph before it that I’m wondering about.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
94
I will be smoking my windfall in 3 hours, Miserable is the last thing I will be. off to stock up on KitKats and Quavers.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
95
Oops, Tinamn, ‘whose me begins with K’. Ahem, ‘name begins with K’.
Sorry.
I’ll be off now.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
96
Tinman even. Dammit!!
May 29th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
97
No, Jo, even that part I got - what was the rest of it meant to mean?
May 29th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
98
Alright, to make up for it……
Door to Door Salesman knocks at a house.
Kid opens the door, about 12 years old, one eye brow raised, he’s smoking a cigar, glass of brandy the other hand and there’s a hooker just visible through the frosted glass.
Taken aback, the salesman asks “Are your parents home?”
Kid” What the fuck do you think”
May 29th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
99
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, “All of You Bastardss who want off, get the fuck off now, cause we’re in a hurry! And all of you Bastards who are getting on, get the fuck on, cause we’re going down the tracks”.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, ‘We don’t Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
“All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.”
She hears the little boy continue,
“For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added………..
“For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.”
May 29th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
100
If you think people here are miserable most of the time, you should go to England, where the people are miserable, unfriendly, uncommunicative, unsmiling, and anal retentive!
Po-faced, in other words.
In Spain, in eternal sunshine, they’re no better.
People here are still nicer, by and large, than anywhere else.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
101
Holemaster - you are Al Banim and I claim my €20
May 29th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
102
I’ll take that as a compliment Twenty, even though I haven’t a clue.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
103
“Or-am-I-wrong” sounds like “a meringue”
For anybody out there who is as thick as me, and had to read it fucking fifty times before they got it..
May 29th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
104
Me too, SAm…
May 29th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
105
Well, twice…
If it had been a merongue, we would have been laughing.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
106
Does anyone remember Saturday nights, UTV, Russ Abbott, his mad scottish impression?
May 29th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
107
http://www.tvradiobits.co.uk/tellyyears/Russ.jpg
Does PP look like this?
May 29th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
108
Sorry, Tinman, i keep missing comments.
The toblerone story, now no longer amusing :) but here goes: The alps on the Toblerone spell out Toblerone, or psrt of it. Kellie Anne, god bless her, didn’t realise this, and assumed there was somehow a whole alphabet, so when she was offered an alp with a ‘B’ on it, said she’d hold out for a ‘K’ for Kellie Anne’.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
109
Jo, you just accused me of being Ginger, almost as bad as being called English.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
110
“The alps on the Toblerone spell out Toblerone”
I must be the second thick fucker that didn’t even realise there were letters on the tobelerone
May 29th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
111
I didn’t know the bits were called alps - all makes sense now.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
112
Toblerone is fucking horrible.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
113
But did you know they had letters on them?
May 29th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
114
I did not. At least I learned something useful today.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
115
http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=ztvT0GUmki8
I think Billy Connolly’s talking about the Toblerone Alps here somewhere.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
116
Great jokes again today people..
May 29th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
117
I’ll trade you places any day! The sweltering heat is not all it’s cracked up to be.
Happy Saturday :)
May 31st, 2008 at 3:54 pm
118