Extreme skydiving
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on May 28th, 2008
Did you see the story about the bloke who was going to skydive from the edge of space? He was going to go up in a hot air balloon, then jump.
Because he was so high up he’d reach the speed of sound within seconds, it would have been like jumping into a vacuum.
However, the jump had to be cancelled because the balloon drifted away just before he was due to go up. It might be a blessing in disguise. If his team can’t pin a hot air balloon to the ground who knows what else might have gone wrong.
‘Oh look, we forgot to put the glass in his helmet and there’s a big hole for him to have a slash on the way down’.
He’s better off firing the lot of them and starting again. Although I was looking forward to seeing the footage of him burning up on re-entry.
I burned up on re-entry once. Should have used more lubrication!
May 28th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
I like the way these comments won’t so much descend into nonsense as plummet right from the off.
Cheers, Darren!
May 28th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
1
Wonder what he had on his iPod for the journey down.
May 28th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
2
He might have met up with that dozy brazillian priest that went missing with the helium baloons a couple of months back - or has he turned up yet?
May 28th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
3
Is this the same fella who was shot out of a canon while on fire, into the mouth of a starving Lion?
May 28th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
4
my guess is that he cut the rope himself. He probably thought that he wouldnt ever get funding and one thing led to another and before he knew it he had a team, a sponsor and a tv crew following him.
May 28th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
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#4 Turned up in shark shit ?
May 28th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
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I would like to offer myself an award for posting a relevant comment. It feels good and I am taking it one post at a time
May 28th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
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He should take it as a sign, it’s the second time he’s failed to get off the ground for this stunt.
May 28th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
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He’s fucking French, his team probably went on strike then fucked off to barricade some lorry driver in a port then set fire to his cargo.
May 28th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
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Being French he is more qualified for Extreme Malingering
May 28th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
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I saw a programme about a guy who did this in the seventies. It was mad. It worked, amazingly, but he went having no idea if it would or not - he didn’t know if he was floating away or descending til he got to a certain stage and the wind started roaring again.
Brilliantly, the first thing he did after landing was light up a smoke.
May 28th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
11
Imagine meeting him in the pub.
1. So what do you do?
2. Oh I’m in insurance and banking, how about you?
1. I skydive from the edge of space and stuff like that.
2. Barman! Snakebite for my good friend here.
May 28th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
12
“Brilliantly, the first thing he did after landing was light up a smoke.”
Cool motherfucker.
May 28th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
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It was so manly and retro, it was pretty heroic alright, rabid anti smoker though I am
May 28th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
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Yeah, gave up there a while back myself.
Anyone been watching Mad Men on BBC? Set in the 60s, really sexist and non pc, it’s great. Kids playing in the front of cars with no belts on.
May 28th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
15
Joe Kittinger
Looking for Youtube footage but its SO SLOW
The jump is there, butI want the cool landing
May 28th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
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This was also on the list for some reason - deadly.
May 28th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
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I saw a ballon tied to a hedge just a while back. Does he want it back??
May 28th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
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The tsunami a couple of years back was caused by Harney attempting that very same jump. Her suit was borrowed from Duffy’s Circus.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
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I conducted extensive testing on this project when I was eight years old, using a six-million dollar man doll and a helium balloon I’d got free from a creepy looking SuperQuinn employee. Considering the state that poor old Steve Austen ended up in, I wouldn’t recommend the venture to any human being…. Unless of course he’s French, in which case ‘Allez-y mon brave!’
May 28th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
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Hey Lung did you have the Action man with the parachute? It didn’t fucking work and I though we could sue the fuckers for wrecked dreams
May 28th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
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Reminds me of the Calvin cartoon when he eats all hte cereal and then has to wait ages fo his Beanie hat to come from hte cereal company - and then it doesn’t fly.
http://www.s-anand.net/calvinandhobbes.html#19890318
May 28th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
22
Why doesn’t he just take a handful of acid if he wants to fly through space?
Whole lot cheaper.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
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Some lads i knew in science in trinity used to tie parachutes onto the lab mice and then drop them off balconies. They claim no mice were ever harmed.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
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A “Handful” Medbh - my god he wants to come down sometime this century….
May 28th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
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things like this are so carfully governed though, the term “sky diving” will probably mean he just does a 2ft bungee jump from the baloon, then they slowly lower back down to earth with him hanging onto the side or something.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
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PP, I had that Action Man parachute. I remember that it didn’t actually work but I still persisted in fecking it up in the air all the time ‘cos I was easily pleased.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
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What do you do for a living now SG?
May 28th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
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Had a backpack gyrocopter too. That did fuckall. I didn’t mind. Are children mental defectives are was it just me?
May 28th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
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Weave baskets
May 28th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
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Ah no, cushy office number, Jo. Barely make average industrial wage but also never break a sweat.
Ambitious was never a tag that I have heard applied to me.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
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Look, anyone who goes in for “extreme” sports are quite likely to be a white, dreadlocked trustafundian with a valley-girl intonation and the brain of coke-addled worm.
There is something about seeing grown men on skateboards and tiny bmx bkes that has me reaching for a claw hammer and a shovel.
In addition, all this balloon buffonery. The whole point of the balloon was to enable human flight, which was then superceded with the invention of airplanes, helicopters and redbull & vodka.
Cunts, all of them and I hope the next person that tries this rubbish is cut in half in front of their kids, might stop the stupidity being passed down a generation.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
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A sad end to your imaginative dreams though, sG. I have little ambition either. I wonder does it have to be fostered by pushy parents or is it innate?
God, Rob. I do think people who attempt this sort of arsery should have to sign a contract aggreeing not to expect any rescuing that might endanger or put out anyone in the rescue services. Like that Branson, always dragging people out on Easter Sunday to save his sorry ass.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
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If they were cut in half before they had the kids it would definitely stop the stupidity being passed down a generation.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
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yes tinman but it would not be as graphic, or as funny
May 28th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
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Just a lazy fecker is all. More interested in hobbies and stuff than jobs. Once I have a few bob and a bit of craic in life, all’s well.
Ambition is overrated. Then again, vive la difference, and all that.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
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The Action Man parachute was essentially a boiled sweet wrapper (the sweet was boiled, not the, oh forget it) so it never really had much chance of working, but just to make sure they put holes in it for the string that it was attached to Action Man by.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
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I agree with SG.
I am planning to ditch my profession and go do something I like doing.
It might be the early onset of a mid-life crisis, and I am way too ugly to have an affair with someone half my age, so job-change is the way to go.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
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I hate to say it, but it might be that collective living is the way to go - communal dinners and childcare
May 28th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
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Might be no choice about that Jo. In the post-oil adjustment era, I reckon maybe groups of family/friends may have to group together to pool resources. I’m not fuckin’ babysitting though. I’ll get firewood or something.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
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That’s fine! No communism here - why not stick to your strenghts
May 28th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
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Rob- I think the term you’re looking for to describe these fools is “Pepsi Max Twats”
May 28th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
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Did anyone see I Am Legend? I started to watch it in the plane, but it freaked me out too much. V convincing eerie atmos. Too depressing. Why did he sleep in the bath?
May 28th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
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Heh, Pepsi Twat
May 28th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
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Hey Fred any chance of organising “Skip Diving” some weekend or are you afraid to reveal all the “Hot” skip locations.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
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I wouldn’t recommend it. I’d a freind who injured himself falling into a skip while drunkenly walking round the edge. He fucked himself up quite rightly.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
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Jo, dont forget the “Max” bit - so anytime you see somebody over 12 going around on Rollerblades, BMX, Sking etc it’s “PEPSI MAX TWAT”
May 28th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
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Actually, now that I think about it, it might even have been a dumpster
May 28th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
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Dunno why he kipped in the bath Jo, mate of mine saw it a few times and claims he started each night in a bed and then moved to the bath later on… cos it’s safer??
Movie starts really well, and then gets a bit shite towards the end. It doesn’t end the way the novel did at all, and that makes a shit of the name of the book/film.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
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He fucked himself up quite rightly
Jo, should that read “Badly” instead of “Rightly” or did he deserve all that pain for a few drunken shenanigans?
May 28th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
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Hmm, I would always have said rightly fucked, meaning badly. But I see your point.
I think as a product name, though, Pepsi Twat has a bette ring to it.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
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Pattherat, are you from Portmarnock?
May 28th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
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That movie was a bad remake of “The Omega Man” an old charlton heston movie from the early 70’s that was only worth watching cos all the baddies were albino’s with dodgy cloaks and big sunglasses.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
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“Pepsi Max Twat” when enunciated slowly and rolled out of the side of the mouth and under your breath, to a mate in the close proximity of the aforementioned twat, is always good for a laugh,
Practice it -Slow, side & under……..
May 28th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
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And cos Charlton is a legend.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
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Sorry, was a legend.
Suppose they can pry his gun from his cold dead hand now.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
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Did he die?
May 28th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
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There’s all these men of a certain era, and I’m just never sure if they’re dead or alive. I thought Alec Guinness was dead for ages, then it seemed he wasn’t, then he was.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
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The other weird thing i seem to remember about “The Omega Man” was the racist overtones. All the baddies were black albinos with big afro’s, I know it was the 70’s - but black albinos!!!!!!
May 28th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
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That’s what Guinness does for you - some days you feel like you’re dead, then you feel fine again.
Charlton Heston died a couple of months ago - he was head of the NRA, which is why the roads are so fucked up.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
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Died a couple of months ago. Sidney Pollock just died. Happily Swayze seems to have put off dying for now.
Road House is a fantastic flick.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
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Happily Swayze would be the perfect name for a Pepsi Max Twat.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
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Hee. Cold dead hands is right, the stupid fucker.
See I’m sure I heard he died, but for some reason can’t keep the dead white males in my head.
On the Guinness note, did anyone see the ad with the dot - surely voiced by Donald Suhterland? ‘Twas lovely.
Mmm, Guinness.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
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Happily Swayze! No, she’s an eccentric black heroine with atroubled past, a role model for young woman everywhere!
May 28th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
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Jo - It is Donald Sutherland’s voice - But I heard the Ad was made for some other product (cant remember what) which the campaign was cancelled at the last minute and then this ad was used by guinness with the changed ending - dont know how true that is but that ad could be for anything
May 28th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
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women even, I’m not from Donegal.
HAve you noticed that? why do people from Donegal say ‘woman’ instead of ‘women?’
May 28th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
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Jo, the black heroine is Etta-Donna Whupass, Private Detective.
Her motto - “I ain’t no ordinary Dick”.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
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What about people who say 2-0-8 instead 2008? Probably the same ones who say millin instead of milliOn.
May 28th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
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I never noticed Americans say one hundred forty instead of one hundred and forty. What’s up with that? And why have I only recently noticed?
I will admit, I confuse my husband by saying ‘bore-bon’ creams instead of ‘burben’ creams. Thoughts?
May 28th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
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Favourite Shaft quote ever - he comes back to the office after a day of shagging -
Boss: What did you get?
Shaft: I got laid.
May 28th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
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I have just had to some fucking work, we are not unionised so I am going to complain here. What’s the fucking deal they don’t pay me enough to actually fucking work…..
May 28th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
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With such a long fall isn’t it possible that he’d fall asleep on the way down and not wake up until he’s ten feet above earth? Splat!
May 28th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
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Smoking is good for you, scientific fact , I saw a Woody Allen Documentary on TV.
May 28th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
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Guinness always have great ads that have no relation to the product whatsoever.
I’m just after boiling Heinz Beanz, is that a big mistake?
May 28th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
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Yep, never boil Beanz.
You lose the bean juice. And they disintegrate.
Add some chili powder and cheese, spice it up a bit and don’t worry about the texture.
I think it’s soup you really Must Never Boil.
May 28th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
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HP Fruity Sauce in beans is great!
May 28th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
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Beans are best fried in bacon fat and butter until they go crusty - then pepper and a big dollop of chili garlic sauce and soda bread!
May 28th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
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eeewwwww
May 28th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
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nah, nice, though I could do without the bacon fat
May 28th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
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Smoking is cool
I smoke
I’m very fucking cool
That’s all you need to know for now
May 28th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
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Oo, don’t get me started, you black lunged, yellow fingered, stinky, stinky man.
May 28th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
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I need my lungs to be black, then they match my heart…
May 28th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
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The bacon fat is optional for veggies dear !
May 28th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
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Follow my link above for the full text of Mark Twain on Smoking - What a guy! Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast.
Now you know all these things yourself, don’t you? Very well, then, what is the use of your stringing out your miserable lives to a lean and withered old age? What is the use of your saving money that is so utterly worthless to you? In a word, why don’t you go off somewhere and die, and not be always trying to seduce people into becoming as ornery and unlovable as you are yourselves, by your villainous “moral statistics”?
May 28th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
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Mark Twain was very cool.
I didn’t enjoy having my mother die at 57 though, or my aunt at 59.
Yes I know lots of smokers live to a hail and hearty 89 or whatever. Lots of extra time to make my life fucking miserable in.
May 28th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
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Sorry about your Mother and Aunt Jo
I know non-smokers who died young as well Jo - who is to say what might have happened if ….
May 28th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
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Well, personally, I feel as a parent I’ve got to do what I can to stay healthy as long as possible. My husband disagress though.
That’s only one issue though. My immediate concern is the total misery living with a smoker makes of my life.
Will you marry me, he said. I don’t want to marry a smoker, I said. I’ll quit again, I promise, he said.
I’m well aware this is a ’shame on me’ situation.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
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Diet is the most important thing in my book Jo - after all the WW1 generation were very long lived and were far heavier smokers - I reckon because they had a spartan diet. Same can be said for countries whose people have good longevity - Japan and France. Japan has the world’s longest average lifespan.
But I wouldn’t have gone down this path if I’d known abut your family - sorry again.
May 28th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
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God, no, no need to apologise! Of course there are a lot of factors, some people are more predisposed to sickess than others. My husband’s father died of lung cancer at 70, but he’s still smoking cheerily and feels it’s an old enough age to go at…
I do worry about illness, but for me it’s the quality of my life as the wife of a smoker that causes me the most grief for now!
May 28th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
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I meant to say, I didn’t mean to play the ‘but I have been touched by tragedy so you can say no more’ card, I’m not a fan of that one.
I’m just not convinced by the ‘live hard and die young’ motto. Dying before your time is a pretty shit experience, it seems to me, and sucks for those around you.
And I still reckon that for every healthy jolly octegenarian smoker, there is someone who died early and unpleasantly too. :P
May 28th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
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Twenty,I don’t think it’s fair that you write a post and then fuck off somewhere and leave this loyal reader to digest 99 comments of tripe and shite.It’s only slightly less irratating than having a complete stranger telling me his problems on the luas, and expecting a comforting answer. I’m off to bed,yis have worn me out.
May 28th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
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Jo - so how come Japan, the one of the heaviest smoking nations tops the longevity stakes ?
May 29th, 2008 at 1:50 am
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Tommy, if you don’t like the 99 comments of tripe & shite, it’s hard to see why you’re still a loyal reader, coz most days that’s what this site is all about.
Sometimes the Twenty Major site is like Taggart - it’s called after him, but he’s not actually in it.
May 29th, 2008 at 7:13 am
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I like Taggart.
And since you asked, Maggot, the reason the Japanese are coughing and wheezing well into their nineties is because of fish. Not the Micky-D’s “Fillet o’ fish” type of fish, which is a kind of edible (I use that term lightly) fish-like substance. They eat real fish and they don’t cook the crap out of it, if they cook it at all, which they often don’t.
Gross, if you ask me, but it seems to agree with them.
May 29th, 2008 at 7:25 am
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And soya, and no dairy.
May 29th, 2008 at 8:32 am
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I don’t think it disproves that tobacco and all the crap they load into it is not carcinogenic, but cheerfully suggests you can counteract it.
May 29th, 2008 at 8:34 am
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They live longer coz they’re shorter.
The expressions “little old lady” and “little old man” are in everyday use. When have you ever seen a six-foot-five octogenarian?
That’s what I’m hoping, anyway.
May 29th, 2008 at 8:49 am
97
So the japs don’t consume the best food known to man…a chip sandwich made with thick white bread, lashings of full fat butter, and to top it all off…beans…
Yum yum
Heading for 100+ comments two days in a row and no Twenty. Maybe he is having his blog ghost written by someone else
May 29th, 2008 at 8:59 am
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maggot, you’re some boyo…
“Beans are best fried in bacon fat and butter until they go crusty - then pepper and a big dollop of chili garlic sauce and soda bread!”
“Diet is the most important thing in my book Jo”
May 29th, 2008 at 9:15 am
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Even as a smoker, I have to go with Jo, it is pretty filthy habit and no doubt contributes to early death. I do believe that roll-up smokers are less likely to get ill because they are not filled with the shite that tailor mades are. Humans are by nature stupid, I am asthmatic and smoke and ended up in hospital last year, despite that I still smoke.
May 29th, 2008 at 9:20 am
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“Diet is the most important thing in my book Jo”
We are talking about Jo and her wish to live as long as possible for the sake of her family SG. I’ll be happy enough to pop my clogs whenever.And most of my diet is healthy. Eggs, cheese, chocolate, Richmond menthol. The fried Beans is at most once a week.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:30 am
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I don’t think it disproves that tobacco and all the crap they load into it is not carcinogenic, but cheerfully suggests you can counteract it.
So, as long as you eat a decent diet, it’s OK to smoke.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:31 am
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It’s a well-known scientific fact that you can wash the effects of 20 cigarettes out of your system with 10 pints of Guinness.
I’m using the word ’scientific’ quite, well, wrongly.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:21 am
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