What about that weather, eh?
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on May 16th, 2008
“Twenty”, said Dirty Dave, “I have a theory”.
“What’s that? The longer you go without washing the more self-cleansing your body becomes?”
“No. It’s to do with the good weather we’ve been having.”
“I see.”
“You have to admit that for us to get such a prolonged period of pleasant, sunny weather is unusual in the extreme. Normally a day of sunshine and blue skies is followed by an Old Testament week or two of rain and floods and other kinds of water from the sky, like cloud piss.”
“This is true.”
“This time though it hasn’t happened and I think that Mother Nature, the old slut, is too busy being crap elsewhere and has forgotten completely about us.”
“You what?”
“She’s too wrapped up in killing as many Burmese as she can or causing earthquakes in China and without her malign influence we’re simply enjoying pleasant days and relatively balmy evenings. And you know what?”
“What?”
“I would happily swap a natural disaster a week on the other side of the world for a rain free week in Ireland. I mean, it’s terrible and all and sad and all that kind of stuff, but I’m at an age now where I really don’t give a shit. I know I probably should but I just don’t.”
“So, if someone came to you now and said ‘Ireland will have a glorious 5 month summer, hot days, warm nights, no rain, plenty of sunshine - but for this to happen there has to be cyclones, tornados, hurricanes, tsunamis and other tropical depressions which will bring death, disease and hardship to some of the poorest places on planet’, you would be ok with that?”
“Damn right, I would. I am just one man. What could I do anyway? Throw a few quid at that old cunt John O’Shea and that’s about it. Beyond that why should I care? There’s enough going on in my life for me to worry about without having to think about starving orphans elsewhere. I was a starving orphan myself once”.
“When your parents die and you’re in your late forties and you have no food in the house for a brief period that doesn’t make you a starving orphan”.
“Whatever. My point is bring on the tempests and typhoons. I’m gonna get the fucking barbecue out”.
“Sounds like a plan”.
Oh shit, I sense a day of posts full of righteous indignation is upon us.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:08 am
no, thats not funny.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:09 am
1
Fuck Righteous indignation, I want sun and if the sacrifice is a few slopes who make lead infested dolls, think killing endangered species is OK because it gives them a hard on, and oppress the yak fucking tibetans then bring it on.
I do have sympathy for the Burmese though, so would give them a day or so of sun back if it would prevent the cyclones.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:15 am
2
I think it would be better if we could choose which countries/cities were subject to natural Disasters though so here is my first pass: London/Drogheda/Brussels and the state of West Virginia who are all racist rednecks.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:17 am
3
It’s the Lord’s punishment on the Burmese for locking up that babe, Aung San Suu Kyi. I know she’s getting on now but I still would, seriously.
And even better, cos’ of all the water rising, she’ll have go around in her bikini!
May 16th, 2008 at 9:28 am
4
I have only ever met the really nice type of chinese people, I have never met any of their vicious leaders, and I know they are the worst kind of thugs… But i am just struck by the news this last 2 weeks…
May 16th, 2008 at 9:30 am
5
It’s like you woke up this morning, thought “what can I say that will annoy Fred Freegan most”, and then went for it.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:32 am
6
Notice the way the Chinese had to have a fucking Earthquake to take all the Limelight off the Burmese…selfish cunts.. a bit suspicious too seeing as they had all that bad publicity about the Olympics (and killing people and selling their organs and killing kids etc….) coincidence????
May 16th, 2008 at 9:55 am
7
Welease Bwian!
May 16th, 2008 at 10:01 am
8
….what I should have said is, it is funny, but I dont want to laugh… And I shouldnt be up at this hour…
May 16th, 2008 at 10:02 am
9
The world today seems absolutely crackers,
With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high.
There’s fools and idiots sitting on the trigger.
It’s depressing and it’s senseless, and that’s why…
I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they’re always friendly, and they’re ready to please.
I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
There’s nine hundred million of them in the world today.
You’d better learn to like them; that’s what I say.
I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They come from a long way overseas,
But they’re cute and they’re cuddly, and they’re ready to please.
I like Chinese food.
The waiters never are rude.
Think of the many things they’ve done to impress.
There’s Maoism, Taoism, I Ching, and Chess.
So I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
I like their tiny little trees,
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin, and yang-ese.
I like Chinese thought,
The wisdom that Confucious taught.
If Darwin is anything to shout about,
The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt.
So, I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they’re wise and they’re witty, and they’re ready to please.
All together.
[verse in Chinese]
Wo ai zhongguo ren. (I like Chinese.)
Wo ai zhongguo ren. (I like Chinese.)
Wo ai zhongguo ren. (I like Chinese.)
Ni hao ma; ni hao ma; ni hao ma; zaijien! (How are you; how are you; how are you; goodbye!)
I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
Their food is guaranteed to please,
A fourteen, a seven, a nine, and lychees.
I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
I like their tiny little trees,
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin, and yang-ese.
I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They only come up to your knees…
May 16th, 2008 at 10:03 am
10
Drogheda??!!? PP. I’m amused as to why you’d include that there. Something happen you on a visit to my fair kingdom?
May 16th, 2008 at 10:03 am
11
melody can be heard in sig link
May 16th, 2008 at 10:05 am
12
More monthy python…
May 16th, 2008 at 10:06 am
13
I had a heap of pints last night. I’d gladly see another tsunami hit SE Asia to get rid of this hangover.
May 16th, 2008 at 10:07 am
14
‘Ireland will have a glorious 5 month summer, hot days, warm nights, no rain, plenty of sunshine
What ? And have 4 months of non-stop moaning from the fucking farmers ?
As for Drogheda, it’s had it’s turn.
Good man Oliver.
Dundalk and Larne - now tour talking!
May 16th, 2008 at 10:09 am
15
Maggots fucking maggots Fuck!
May 16th, 2008 at 10:11 am
16
The only thing that happened to me in Drogheda is that I stayed there, and it is a bit of a shit hole, I had the second worst Italian meal in my life there.
And to cap it all some cunt keeps coming on the radio going on about the D hotel and how it would be great for a break, well no it wouldn’t its full of diesel smuggling hillbillies and dissapointed Eastern Europeans.
May 16th, 2008 at 10:12 am
17
Can I be the first to say the weather is a cunt?
Thanks
May 16th, 2008 at 10:13 am
18
Farmers, now they are cunts. They don’t do any fucking farming anymore. Form filling for EU subsidies, mounting protests and they have made moaning an Olympic Sport.
Bring on fucking Brazilian beef at least I can’t hear their farmers whingeing.
Scottish farmers are worse, there’s never enough rain/too much rain etc etc.
May 16th, 2008 at 10:15 am
19
…in the wheelie bin I mean.. Sorry for the outburst..
May 16th, 2008 at 10:18 am
20
Sam - I hope you have left the lid off so they get some fresh air and don’t suffer ? Or even better, have a fan or air conditioning for my brothers ?
PP - those goose-choking french farmers are the biggest cunts on the planet.
May 16th, 2008 at 10:22 am
21
There’s never enough rain/too much rain etc etc.
May 16th, 2008 at 10:22 am
22
Good old fashioned boiling water for the little squirming fuckers…
May 16th, 2008 at 10:28 am
23
I do hope you mean the french farmers Sam.
May 16th, 2008 at 10:28 am
24
You going to eat them?
May 16th, 2008 at 10:29 am
25
Where would jowel-headed radio jocks get their foie gras, if it werent for the french farmers??
May 16th, 2008 at 10:29 am
26
maggots, not farmers
May 16th, 2008 at 10:29 am
27
then again, whatever
May 16th, 2008 at 10:29 am
28
Well i would eat them, but they were in the bin….
May 16th, 2008 at 10:30 am
29
SAm, can you video it?
Need a loan of a second kettle?
May 16th, 2008 at 10:30 am
30
I’ll have the law on you, you genocidal maniac!
May 16th, 2008 at 10:32 am
31
The maggot history Channel will have a whole series about me in years to come…
May 16th, 2008 at 10:33 am
32
maggot, you haven’t got a leg to stand on.
May 16th, 2008 at 10:33 am
33
I’ll set my mate nailerzz on him!
May 16th, 2008 at 10:35 am
34
Oh, I get it now!
I was wondering what that bright stuff was behind the curtain.
How long has this being going on for?
May 16th, 2008 at 10:38 am
35
Be careful MB you may burn up if you open the curtains, I would suggest reading weather reports online rather than jeopardising your existence as a night walker.
May 16th, 2008 at 10:57 am
36
Purile… tell me more about the Brazilian beef.
Do you shave them or can they shave themselves…?
Any pics…?
May 16th, 2008 at 11:01 am
37
Brazilian beef?
Pull the udder one.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:04 am
38
They don’t get shaved - it’s like a waxing procedure. You put a strip of bacon on the beef, fry it and then rip it off. It has the advantage that you can also eat the bacon.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:06 am
39
How to give a cow a Brazilian;
Learn from Ms. Steaks.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:07 am
40
Monkey Ms works for Misses as well as miss.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:11 am
41
and your blog is cool, and no longer slow
(you can give me that tenner later)
May 16th, 2008 at 11:12 am
42
What do crabs and Chinese earthquake victims have in common?
They’re both crushtasians.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:16 am
43
Haha
May 16th, 2008 at 11:33 am
44
Dear Lung,
I just told that joke in a meeting and it was generally well received, unfortunately I believe my equality and diversity certificate has been revoked and the HR woman looked appalled. Next week I will be begging on the boardwalk,please chuck a Euro in my cup.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:43 am
45
Meh.
although I still think one of the funniest things to ever happen in the school was when we got two days off cos of a (possible) suicide by one student and one fella said this of it: “wouldn’t it be great if one student killed themselves every second day?”.
not sure what my point was meant to be, ah well.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:46 am
46
PP:”chuck a euro in my cup” thats what Two-Cents(Brian) says…
May 16th, 2008 at 11:50 am
47
Ha ha Lung.
I can separate the joke from the reality. I do have to be able to laugh and I also have to be able to be sad for all those people in China and Burma, I am truly upset by it. It really is like the end of the world for these people. Most Chinese families only have one child so it’s just fucking awful.
BUT I do laugh at the disaster jokes and I think getting all moral over ones ass about it is pointless. The people who tell them and laugh at them are not cunts who don’t care. Humour is a form of therapy, that’s why us Irish are so fucking funny. We deal with trauma through humour.
I won’t be telling my girlfriend that joke though, her being Asian and all.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:54 am
48
Don’t know what they’re all whinging about. I don’t have any kids either but you don’t see me crying about it.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:56 am
49
As Holemesiter says, you have to have a laugh. Wife is Asian, not sure yet whether to relay the joke. Probably will, though. For the craic.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:57 am
50
My bird is chinese and has crabs, she thought it was hilarious
May 16th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
51
Proctor & Gamble have offered to help with sending aid to Burma. Apparently there is a high demand for Fairy Liquid as a lot of people have started washing up at the beach.
May 16th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
52
4 pack of Harp for a fiver..thats nuts. Ive wandered off topic but I think you’ll agree an informative addition.
May 16th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
53
I know I should’nt but “Breaking News”
Torrential rain has been hampering relief efforts in the Chinese earthquake zone….
Luckily for survivors,it’s been raining cats and dogs
May 16th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
54
4 pack of Harp for a fiver..thats nuts.
Yeah it is nuts - they’d have to pay me more then a fiver to drink that rot gut piss.
A pint of sparkle,,,, My arse
May 16th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
55
Where, Ibanez, you crafty drunk you?
May 16th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
56
I rather drink piss out of Pat Butchers snatch than a drop of Nordy Liver Rot…awful stuff
May 16th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
57
What is the problem some people have with Harp? I used to have a housemate who lived on Dutch Gold, but refused to touch Harp.
It’s still beer.
May 16th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
58
OK Promise this is the last one…
I woke up in bed the other night and the bed was really shaking and I thought I was gonna fall off the bed. I said to my wife “Is it an earthquake?” she said “No you idiot, you’re Michael J Fox”
May 16th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
59
I pissed blood after a session with harp - never touched it again have’nt pissed blood since either - go figure….
May 16th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
60
Had the radio on there a while ago and Orla Barry was interviewing the bloke from b3ta and Sickipedia. She was disgusted that people would make jokes about disasters, terrible things. Fucking hilarious to hear such po-faced indignation.
For as long as I can remember jokes emerge about 18 hours after a terrible event. I bet there’s a secret society whose job it is to make these jokes and spread them into the world.
May 16th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
61
by “Housemate” do you mean “Guy who shared the dumpster with me that one time”
May 16th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
62
First pint I ever had in a pub was a Harp. 35p it was.
(Mind you, the only choices back then were Harp, Smithwicks and Guinness. Simpler times.)
May 16th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
63
mine was Guinness it was €1.65.. a happy day that was..
May 16th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
64
Not as funny as it usually is here today.
Brian, Fred, where the fuck are you?
May 16th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
65
Shhhhh
May 16th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
66
“For as long as I can remember jokes emerge about 18 hours after a terrible event. I bet there’s a secret society whose job it is to make these jokes and spread them into the world.”
Note to self: Send Georgio to eliminate this ‘Twenty Major’, he appears to know about J.O.K.E. (Jokes Out Kwik Executive). Must not risk being exposed, may need new deep cave operations centre soon.
May 16th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
67
We’re not talking to youse
May 16th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
68
Twenty; if there is a god; you’ve pissed him off. It could be true though; maybe god is a paddy this summer.
Speaking of John O’Shea, the great giver, how much do you think himself and his kids are pulling out of goal a year in wages and salaries?
May 16th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
69
Not that much, since he has to play in every position on the field for Man U at the same time
May 16th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
70
I’m sure Mr. Concern and Mr. Goal are all on nice little earners. but then again all these charities are only set up to ease the irish guilt ridden conciences so we think we’re doing something good.
If 10% makes it through to the other side you’re doing well - but, I suppose 10% is better then nothing.
May 16th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
71
And take Brian O’Driscolls mickey up his swiss roll
May 16th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
72
That true J5, I heard it was Will Young?
May 16th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
73
Welcome to the rumour Mill..
May 16th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
74
….something about a gallon of horse’s spunk pumped out of him……
May 16th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
75
…and three underaged Lady-boys….
May 16th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
76
It’s so hard to keep up with who’s bumming John O’Shea these days. He’s such an ass slut.
May 16th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
77
Once the Burmese find out there’s been some Irish moth called Dirty Dave flapping his tongue and causing cyclones halfway around the world, they’re going to be pretty pissed off. Expect invasion. Or you could clip Dave’s tongue but that would be a bit sad. Or hide him deep underground and call him a state secret.
May 16th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
78
Think how happy you’ll all be when you get to hell. No rain to complain about and lots of heat and all the sardines you can eat. I bet that if it rained oil in Ireland a new source of fuel would be discovered.
May 16th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
79