True conversation
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on May 16th, 2008
Walking into the supermarket I am accosted by an elderly lady.
“Buy some sardines!”, she says.
“What?”
“Buy a tin of sardines!”
“Why?”
“We’re collecting them!”
“You’re collecting tins of sardines?”
“Yes. Buy some sardines!”
“Who are you collecting them for?”
“Albanians!”
“I see”.
She then went to another person and urged them to buy sardines too. I did not buy sardines but it certainly has to be the most unusual request ever made to me outside a supermarket.
Damien Mulley is a fucking knob, isn’t he?
May 16th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
You should have bought the sardines.
And eaten the fuckers. On toast with mayo is nice, although impractical outside a supermarket in the face of an elderly lady.
May 16th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
1
i was offered a free skip bag.
I asked would it be collected for free??
No it would cost 65 Euro, or whatever I cant remember.
Bit like getting a free johnny with a 200 euro ride off a prozzie…
May 16th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
2
Gimme - we certainly lack portable toasters. They would make the world a better place.
John, are you lost?
May 16th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
3
Any time I see those charity food collections, I make a point of donating two or three cans of extra-strength lager. It’s quite amusing to see the faces on the do-gooders, and it doesn’t cost very much. There y’are.
May 16th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
4
Do Albanians especially like sardines? I think the old ladies are making a bit of an assumption there. They should buy them tuna. Everybody likes a bit of tuna.
May 16th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
5
Are Albanians some kind of seal or walrus that exclusively eat Sardines? If you hold the tin of sardines up, do they balance balls on their nose and jump through rings?
***balls on nose is not a reference to some weird tea bagging activity you sick bunch of cunts****
May 16th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
6
All Albanians are kunts including my Bus Driver
Any of you Oirish over dare see OReilly going nuts on you tube
O’Reilly is our very own American Facist
May 16th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
7
Perhaps they’re planning to house the Albanians in the tins, and then eat the sardines themselves.
May 16th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
8
Good God, what did the poor Albanians do to deserve the attention of the “Mentaloulwans”
Is Albania not stinking enough without innundating it with godforsaken sardines…
May 16th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
9
godforsaken sardines??
May 16th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
10
Maybe “sardines for Albanians” is an exchange scheme, like “new lamps for old”. They send us their young people to work in our Spars and hotels, and we send them, well, squished fish…
May 16th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
11
godforsaken sardines??
Yes - what a way to end up - in smelly cramped conditions, with sardines farting all around you and when the lid is finally opened you find yourself looking at a hungry albanian licking his lips…..Ughhhhhh
May 16th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
12
I’m with Dessiegee. If you end up dead in a tin lying beside 9 other dead members of your species, it would be fair to suppose God had forsaken you. Plus they pack the sardines so quickly after death, their souls can’t get out of the tin. It’s the souls that give them that particular flavour.
May 16th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
13
Dover soul?
May 16th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
14
And i see Diessiegee has just said much the same thing. Polgees, Dessiegee.
May 16th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
15
Twenty, lemon soul. Although you can get sardines in a tomato soul sauce.
May 16th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
16
Would a sardine that knew when to hold his tongue be the soul of discretion?
May 16th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
17
Of course, do you think sardines are idiots?
May 16th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
18
I don’t know what to think anymore.
May 16th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
19
No Worries Problemchildbride - I did’nt cop the souls being trapped in tin till you mentioned it - Thats it I’m off to the supemarket to open up all the tins and excorcise all the ghosts -
May 16th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
20
Would the last uneaten sardine be the soul survivor?
May 16th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
21
since when are sardines and sole related??
May 16th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
22
I’ve never eaten a sardine. Are they as nasty as they look?
May 16th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
23
apart from just both being fish..
are we scraping the bottom here??
May 16th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
24
Ah I just read the question propply. But if ever there was a warning about what loose lips can do, the sardine is it. Sardines are the world’s leading cause of sinking ships.
My daughter has just informed me her big toe is itchy. This is new and besides an abrasive fingernail I don’t know how to cure it. Off to consult a medical dictionary.
May 16th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
25
Sam I think we were floundering around for connections
May 16th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
26
And hark you on your perch thinking you are so smart.
May 16th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
27
No, not really, I just think he’s a knob. I was going to post on his site but got paranoid that he’d probably be able to track down my family and rape them using my I.P. address.
May 16th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
28
is this the same Mulley?? i thought he was gone off the aul rape since the “Traveller incident”…
joke..
May 16th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
29
whats the difference between a sardine and an albanian?
The sardine stinks only after it’s dead….
May 16th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
30
What gobshite will be first to say we’re having a whale of a time in this plaice….oh, fuck…
May 16th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
31
thats like that Gypsy Moth joke..
May 16th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
32
What is the porpoise of this thread?
Sorry
May 16th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
33
Damien Mullet
May 16th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
34
I’m still thinking about PCB’s post no 26.
Do the sardines suck the ships down?
May 16th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
35
They should buy them tuna. Everybody likes a bit of tuna.
Good idea but wouldn’t gift vouchers be handier. All in one vouchers that you can use in any shop. Then they could eat what ever they want, not just sardines and tuna.
What a great idea, even if I do say so myself.
Whats involved in setting up a charity? Anyone?
It would be a great way to make a liv oh I mean a great way to help people less fortunate.
May 16th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
36
Fierce close today ain’t it? Fierce close.
I’ve a headache, so I have. There’s thunder on the way. Think I’ll have a lie down
May 16th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
37
Off the topic of sole, and in relation to an earlier theory: http://www.twentymajor.com
He means it about war…
May 16th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
38
If you’re afriad of DM tracking you down, John, change your name to (drum roll)…Ray!
May 16th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
39
Anyway, are you not supposed to teach the cunts how to fish rather then giving them the fish.
I think That Oulwan was coddin ya twenty, lookin for a free tin for her albanian hubbies tea.
May 16th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
40
No, not really, I just think he’s a knob. I was going to post on his site but got paranoid that he’d probably be able to track down my family and rape them using my I.P. address.
What makes you think I can’t do the same thing with your IP address? Or just send it to Mulley?
You are so gonna get raped.
May 16th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
41
Teach them to fish and you destroy your market base.
May 16th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
42
And rape is Spanish for monkfish. I love a bit of rape meself.
May 16th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
43
he’d probably be able to track down my family and rape them using my I.P. address.
How would you rape someone with an I.P. address? Is it sharp?
May 16th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
44
Oh. Right, well some of my family are women, so they’ll probably be safe. My ignorance has once again ensured me a helping of rectal armageddon.
May 16th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
45
Jo, wtf is that? Does this mean we’ve all unwittingly enlisted?
May 16th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
46
How would you rape someone with an I.P. address? Is it sharp?
are you going to wear your Subnet mask Twenty?
Ba-dum Tishh!!
May 16th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
47
no fucker eats sardines.
fucking midget fish.
why do they never collect anything decent, like spuds, or oven chips or onion gravy meatballs?
May 16th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
48
Probably because they reckon we wouldn’t give them decent stuff. COD’s idea (post 5)of giving them cans of extra-strong lager is a great one, I’m definitely gonna do that.
(His name’s Change_of_Address - it’s not my fault his name abbreviates to COD - I wasn’t trying to do another fish pun)
And BTW, why is “abbreviates” such a fucking long word?
May 16th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
49
Tinman, “Do the sardines suck the ships down?”
They do it by nibbling, persistent nibbling, though the shots may be long and the iron it be hard. They nibble and laugh as they nibble, which is extra clever. Cunfuseus say “patient little sardine have much to teach fisherman and cruise line director.”
Of course these days they have screwdrivers too to loose the bigger nuts but traditional sardines stick to the old nibbling ways.
May 16th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
50
Ah, PCB that why your parents make you eat them telling you “they’re full of iron”
May 16th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
51
That’s odd alright.
Reminds me of the wierdest thing anyone ever said to me outside of a shop.
“Excuse me,” said this large fucker in a poorly fitting suit, sort of like a low rent bouncer.
“Do you mind coming back into the shop? You appear to have left without paying for your items.”
Of course, I just clocked the cunt and moved off.
May 16th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
52
why do they use nets to catch the little fuckers then instead of a nice big magnet?
May 16th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
53
You should have told her Albamians were last year , now it’s the Chinese and offered to buy a tin of crab !
May 16th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
54
Ew.
Sardines are like the garbage of the sea.
They’re the seafood equivalent of a hot dog.
May 16th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
55
What the fuck is wrong with hot dogs?
May 16th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
56
hotdogs are the food of kings.
Because kings like to eat a combination of fat,lungs lips and skin.
But who can deny them, they’re fucking kings for fucks sake.
May 16th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
57
why do they use nets to catch the little fuckers then instead of a nice big magnet?
Fishermen are extremely stupid. That’s why so many of them drown - thousands of years and the cunts haven’t realised that they shouldn’t go out in bad weather.
May 16th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
58
I liked Tinman 18 no 9 comment
Keep the fuckers in the tins and throw them back in the sea, who cares!!!
May 16th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
59
Who likes the ones in tomato sauce ?
I think they make great sandwiches with a splash of Tabasco.
May 16th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
60
Ahhh Albania. Happy nights. King Zog.
May 16th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
61
Hot dogs are made from the ass holes of animals and that’s why they look good with mustard splashed on them. Enjoy!
May 16th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
62
Here, that’s probably the same old hag who asked me to buy 20 Albany for the Sardinians last week.
May 16th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
63
Lips and asshole
May 16th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
64
You should have bought them, Major. How much could sardines cost anyway??
May 16th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
65
Were they for Albanians in Albania or Albanians in Ireland?
May 16th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
66
I once played a game of sardines with a girl. Got a great dry ride off her all the same. Fucking great she was too!!
May 16th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
67
A dry ride??
Ponce… :)
May 17th, 2008 at 1:00 am
68
bang of sardines off her?
May 17th, 2008 at 1:01 am
69
I wish I was a girl. I just had this great idea;
You get a sardine, right? Then you stick it up your cunt, tail-first. Then you work your muscles, (Or whatever it is you have down there), so that his little head keeps popping in and out.
You make a video, and pop it on YouTube.
Instant fame!
(Remember, I thought of it first, so I expect royalties!)
May 17th, 2008 at 1:28 am
70
Italics, italics everywhere
Easy knowing I’m pissed now!
May 17th, 2008 at 1:31 am
71
Ah… Monkey Balls… This reminds me of a naughty video cover i saw (in Amsterdam, where else?), it was called “Willing Eels”.. and there was a woman on the front (think MILF) and a batch of eels. Most bizarre adult vid theme I’ve ever seen.
May 17th, 2008 at 1:42 am
72
Rumbled again! Bah!
I’ll have to find more obscure things to get me ‘inspiration’ from.
May 17th, 2008 at 1:55 am
73
Will someone mention canaries please?
I’ve just had another idea, but I don’t want to be the one who strays off-topic.
May 17th, 2008 at 2:10 am
74
Holy fuck! It’s dark outside!
No wonder it’s so quiet,- I thought it was 2:00pm, not 2:00am.
May 17th, 2008 at 2:12 am
75
Twenty you should have bought the sardines,chewed them up in your mouth,and spit them in the old cunts face,get a bus load of blind lesbians,watch them attack her like flies to shite,and then shout fuck the albanian cunts the scrounging bastards right in her face and walk away laughing.
May 17th, 2008 at 2:12 am
76
I have little to add to this thread, except to say that I am wrting this message from Newark, New Jersey. I am in fact counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike, which will please all you Simon & Garfunkel fans out there.
May 17th, 2008 at 10:26 am
77
I wonder if the old racal is sitting down with his pop tarts as I write ?
May 17th, 2008 at 10:59 am
78
Ok, MB, “I’ve never been to the Canaries, have you?”
This had better be good.
May 17th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
79
Risky Tinman - mainly cause he probably can’t remember what drunken perversion he came up with at 2:10 in the morning.
May 17th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
80
What have albanians ever done for us? Apart from the..
I looked up Albania in wiki hoping to find something to put finish this up with.
Nope. Nuttin.
May 17th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
81
John and James Belushi and Eliza Dushku.
And also apparently many famous doctors, scientists, composers and sportspeople.
You should have looked up “famous albanians” Ibanez.
May 17th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
82
Right, here goes;
Me Auntie Mary had a canarie,
Up the leg of her drawers.
While she was sle…
No, sorry. It’s gone.
‘Post-traumatic stress-related memory loss’ is what the Doctor calls it.
Sorry Tinman.
May 17th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
83
I feel used now
May 17th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
84
tubridy again so *sigh
May 17th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
85
bug, no, nothing’s ever worth that!
There’s a support line worth setting up - for when it gets so bad, you consider Tubridy.
May 17th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
86
I feel your pain bug - at least have a drink to numb the pain
May 17th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
87
Who gave Major the weekend off??
May 18th, 2008 at 3:13 am
88
Sardines are a delicacy in Albania. The reason this is so is all down to the films starring the zany comedian Norman Wisdom. Wisdom’s films were the only decadent Western films allowed to be seen in Albania, and in one of his films (Trouble in Store) the hero uttered the never to be forgotten by Albanians words - ‘I like sardines on toast’ thus generating a mania for sardines and toast that gripped Albania for many years.
May 18th, 2008 at 7:26 am
89
Do all Albanians have white hair, pale skin and pink eyes?
May 18th, 2008 at 7:46 am
90
If only I’d waited for your support messages Jo & Jus…
At least I’ve since killed most of the brain cells where the memories were. That Major must be down the country for the gaa
May 18th, 2008 at 10:52 am
91
Adonis, I used to have a mate who was an Albaino. I can confirm all your assumptions, but you left out the most important one.
They are all Hermaphrodites, which means, (Yes, you’re right!) -They can go fuck themselves!
May 18th, 2008 at 11:10 am
92
Monkey Balls,
You’ve pulled some cheap stunts here on Twenty’s blog, in a rather futile attempt at drumming up interest in your own blog, which can be found at http://monkeyballs.baywords.com/
Any good ones in the pipeline?
May 18th, 2008 at 11:28 am
93
No Brian. I’ve given up that sort of stuff.
May 18th, 2008 at 11:29 am
94
That’s the cheapest one yet, MB.
May 18th, 2008 at 11:39 am
95
96 responses and not one gratuitous pilchard gag. I’m disappointed.
May 18th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
96
Seems so appropriate that “brine” makes another appearance on a seafood thread.
May 18th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
97
Maggot - ba dum dum ksshhhhh!
May 18th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
98
So that ebola virus… pretty nasty eh.
This place on holiday?
May 18th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
99