Morning routine
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on May 15th, 2008
Despite my carefree nature I am a man who likes routine. I do not like things that interrupt my routine. This is called change and generally change is bad. Unless you find a big bag of coins.
My morning routine goes a bit like this:
- Alarm goes off. Alarm is put on snooze.
- Alarm goes off 10 minutes later. Alarm is put on snooze. Become aware I need to urinate.
- Alarm goes off 10 minutes later. Alarm is put on snooze. Need to empty bladder now becoming urgent.
- Alarm goes off 10 minutes later. Alarm is put on snooze. Bladder issues now most acute.
- Alarm goes off 10 minutes later. Alarm is put on snooze. Urination now absolutely necessary so am unable to drift back to sleep.
- Try and hold on as long as possible but I must rise. Sit on edge of bit for some time holding my head in my hands.
- Gently pad to bathroom, relieve myself while hocking up overnight phlegm build-up and scratching whatever bits need to be scratched.
- Go to kitchen. Make coffee. Turn on radio while making coffee. Get angry at radio. Turn radio off.
- Open back door. Let Bastarface in, rub dog’s head. Sometimes Throatripper comes in, more often cat is out disemboweling things.
- Pour coffee into cup, make delicious Pop Tarts, sit down at computer. Eat. Drink.
And then the day goes from there. When I was much younger I used to set the time on my alarm clock 10 or 15 minutes ahead so that when the alarm went off I’d think ‘Oh, it’s time to get up. Oh no it’s not. I have 10 or 15 more minutes than I thought!’
Those 10 or 15 minutes were the best 10 or 15 minutes of the day.
Pop Tarts are fucking evil.
May 15th, 2008 at 9:13 am
I still set the clock for 4 minutes before I’ve to get up, and I agree that it’s the best time of the day.
Unlike you though, I don’t sit on the edge of my bit of stuff with my head in my hands.
May 15th, 2008 at 9:20 am
1
what about bastard face and throat ripper … do you feed them or must they live off the land
May 15th, 2008 at 9:29 am
2
Have added a bit, Feynman
May 15th, 2008 at 9:33 am
3
Wear a nappy and put rubber sheets on the bed. Go the extra mile for those precious 15 mins
May 15th, 2008 at 9:33 am
4
I dont really wake up properly until Ive called Ian Dempsey a complete cunt very loadly…(barring order prevents me from texting the show anymore)
May 15th, 2008 at 9:34 am
5
Repeated snoozes are great. To this end, I set my alarm about half an hour early. I realise that what I am actually doing is interrupting my last half hour of sleep. I tried the other way, setting the alarm for getting up time, but ended up snoozing anyway and being late for everything. Ever try and get back into a dream, like picking up a book from the page you left it? Doesn’t work.
May 15th, 2008 at 9:43 am
6
Exactly right, it’s much better to be awake and know you can go back to sleep for a bit than to have to get right out of bed when the alarm goes.
May 15th, 2008 at 9:51 am
7
Only the worlds greatest freaks don’t repeat snooze every morning.
May 15th, 2008 at 9:55 am
8
It’s the same at the weekend - there’s no point in waking up at 10 and having to get up. The whole fun is in waking at 6, realising it’s Saturday, and then going to sleep till ten.
May 15th, 2008 at 9:58 am
9
pop-tarts are vile.
I got some last week or so cos I had forgotten.
Tastes like cardboard injected with aspartame.
Bluuughhh.
May 15th, 2008 at 10:00 am
10
Mmmmm, cardspartame….
May 15th, 2008 at 10:01 am
11
Don’t you follow the “boy” routine in bed ?
( I’m being polite as we have ladies )
May 15th, 2008 at 10:12 am
12
Which flavour of Lembit’s do you prefer ?
May 15th, 2008 at 10:16 am
13
jesus, maggot, that is extra tenuous
May 15th, 2008 at 10:17 am
14
Twenty
Are you not tempted to have the jockey’s breakfast at the wekend…a ride and a rasher sandwich???
And it must also be very painful sitting on your bit - does it not leave a big dinge in your srse when you do that
May 15th, 2008 at 10:17 am
15
Errata - apologies
May 15th, 2008 at 10:18 am
16
What do you mean SG ? We do have ladies here - some of them - like Jo - are even classy!
May 15th, 2008 at 10:20 am
17
When is the fist majjor taken ? In bed? On way to bathroom ? While waiting for kettle to boil ?
May 15th, 2008 at 10:22 am
18
Oops - that sounds disgusting.
When is the first major taken ?
May 15th, 2008 at 10:23 am
19
That still sounds disgusting.
May 15th, 2008 at 10:24 am
20
I light up on the way to the bathroom.
May 15th, 2008 at 10:26 am
21
I once made the grave error of putting a Pop Tart into my mouth. Elton John, I think he said his name was.
Still, I didn’t swallow.
May 15th, 2008 at 10:27 am
22
You can’t beat a good wank in the morning.
May 15th, 2008 at 10:31 am
23
fluorescent wee is a sign of something or other maggot. need more in your diet. or less maybe.
May 15th, 2008 at 10:32 am
24
” I once made the grave error of putting a Pop Tart into my mouth. Elton John, I think he said his name was.
Still, I didn’t swallow.
”
Bahahaha classic.
Mornings are the bane of my life.
=Lam=
May 15th, 2008 at 10:36 am
25
Porridge Berocca also provides luminous wee
May 15th, 2008 at 10:38 am
26
I have a Lyons chocolate gateaux every night before I go to bed to keep me regular porridge - maybe I need two ?
May 15th, 2008 at 10:41 am
27
To stop you wanting to piss in the morning while snoozing, put a pea under your bed and you’ll sleep through like a princess
May 15th, 2008 at 10:48 am
28
You mean have a pee under your bed
May 15th, 2008 at 10:48 am
29
I always thought having a catheter fitted would be handy, just feed hose out of the window and turn tap when required. No need to leave bed then at all.
I would love a lie in but by neighbours car seems to have twenty four doors which all slam like a piledriver every fucking morning.
May 15th, 2008 at 10:54 am
30
maggot, if you have two Lyons chocolate gateaux before bed, you’ll wake up with a “free” Chocolate Log under your duvet in the morning.
May 15th, 2008 at 10:55 am
31
Poptarts are absolutely disgusting. How can you possibly eat them? Berry flavoured cardboard that burns you. Yack.
May 15th, 2008 at 10:55 am
32
The worst is when you snooze a couple times and then get up, get dressed, have your breaky etc. only to wake up about 40 mins later and realise it was all a dream and youre late for work!
May 15th, 2008 at 11:01 am
33
poxy work internet up and down like whore’s knickers today. how am i supposed to get nothing done with no interporn?
two chocolate cakes (none of this poncy gateaux stuf) every night will ensure that you are regularly too fat to get out of bed on your own and therefore spend the morning lying in a pool of your own berocca, sorry piss, until the home help arrives with a winch to haul you out of bed.
May 15th, 2008 at 11:08 am
34
It’s all I eat apart from a soft boiled egg in the morning and nose pickings and bits of dead skin porridge.
May 15th, 2008 at 11:11 am
35
mmmmmmm…. dead skin porridge
May 15th, 2008 at 11:15 am
36
Pizza Pockets are the savoury version of the Pop Tart and are also evil. FMC has the description spot on, I reckon you could save a few Euro on A&E admissions by banning the little bundled pockets of napalm.
Although the Yanks are fond of such shit, maybe 20 Major is in fact 20 Lucky Strikes.
May 15th, 2008 at 11:20 am
37
hmmm, he does say “awesome” a lot. . .
May 15th, 2008 at 11:21 am
38
Soft boiled eggs come from wussy chickens and lead to vacillations throughout your working day. For a righteous start to the day have a hard one* forged in the egg bits of a chicken who’s seen life and laughed at danger.
*egg.
May 15th, 2008 at 11:24 am
39
And he drinks coffee not tea….the evidence is mounting up:
20 Lucky Strike: still buying tat in Dublin Shops
May 15th, 2008 at 11:30 am
40
He probably pronounces it “Twenny Lucky Strikes”
May 15th, 2008 at 11:38 am
41
1. Press snooze every 15 minutes.
2. Turn to check ethnicity of girl beside me, wehay native amazonian.
3. Morning Glory stops me rolling out of bed, so must sit up.
4. Go to jacks and try to pee with full morning glory.
5. Try to maintain morning glory for girl’s pleasure.
6. Pleasure her.
7. Pleaure myself.
8. Make girl an omelette.
May 15th, 2008 at 11:43 am
42
I have a mate who used to bring an empty hot water bottle to bed after being out pinting. That way he was able to put the early morning toilet trip on the long finger. The horrible prick…
May 15th, 2008 at 11:46 am
43
you forgot step 9.
9. wake up
May 15th, 2008 at 11:46 am
44
Native Amazonian? That’s fucking disgusting. They;re the ones with the nipples stapled to their ankles, yeah?
May 15th, 2008 at 11:49 am
45
PP and Tinman -he also sees to have stopped smoking ? Twenty Nicotinell?
PCB - hard boiled eggs bind me up.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
46
Perhaps you’re putting the eggs in at the wrong end, maggot
May 15th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
47
I’m a hermaphrodite T
May 15th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
48
liking the hard boiled eggs in the morning - no faffing about with three minutes, just stick it in the pan, and come back whenever you’re finished with shower/dump/dressing/whatever.
It’s so convenient it’s like a space food from the future.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
49
D’ya think he’ll kill us for calling him an American?
Would that be Statescide?
May 15th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
50
Hooray tinman!!!
What happened to the other 17 tinmen by the way?
May 15th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
51
If Twenty was a yank he would be a wanker, in which case maybe a more apt name would be 20 lucky strokes
May 15th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
52
RN, they too used to ignore the urge to urinate in the morning, and rusted to death from the inside out.
We’ll have to ask J5 what happened to the other 4 Johnnys now.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
53
We’ll have to ask J5 what happened to the other 4 Johnnys now.
They’re in his back pocket since 1972.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
54
Nailerzz is working his way though them - Johnny6 is crapping himself!
May 15th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
55
haha
May 15th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
56
He laughs like a Yank as well.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
57
He’s probably sitting there with a cowboy hat on saying “shucks, they got me”.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
58
“Native Amazonian? That’s fucking disgusting. They;re the ones with the nipples stapled to their ankles, yeah?”
Jesus no, she was a fine young lass, missed the old amazon though. She used to turn the emersion on and get into the shower with the larger of my house plants.
She made the common mistake of paddling left instead of right at the mouth of that mighty river. Gulf stream picked her right up and landed her off Dingle.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
59
De Valera was a yank and he did OK for himself!
May 15th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
60
Don’t amazononians usually only have one nipple as they lop one of the fun bags off ? Except for the ones who had supernumery nipples that weren’t on the one that was to be lopped off, obviously.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
61
He probably has leather chaps as well, and weighs thirty stone
May 15th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
62
Just like your face.
May 15th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
63
And is obvously thirteen years old
May 15th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
64
I’ve met twenty. He is a short fat nerd. Loves Stargate and stuff. And pizza.
May 15th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
65
There is nothing wrong with being a short fat nerd…
Not that I’m one you understand….
May 15th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
66
Nothing wrong with Pizza or Stargate
May 15th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
67
so let’s just get this summary of Twenty right :
He’s a short fat american nerdy teenager who tends to wear leather chaps and cowboy hats while writing his blog.
He drinks cawfee and says awesome.
Where does he get his info on dublin from?
Perhaps his mother is from dublin, or has he moved here from L.A?
There’s still a lot of unanswered questions.
Can you fill us in there Twenty?
May 15th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
68
I’ll tell you all when I come back to my ranch after an enthralling game of soccerball
May 15th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
69
is that the soccerball world series?
May 15th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
70
My alarm clock is about 7 minutes fast, my mobile phone clock is 2 mins slow (I think) and my car clock is 15 mins fast, so I never know what fucking time it is..
AS for the bladder urgency thing… Why the fuck dont we just get up and piss… Explain it zoo-oligists please
May 15th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
71
cos bed is comfy.
May 15th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
72
It’s known as the backteeth point. Bed comfiness wins out over bladder pain but backteeth pressure wins out eventually.
Also known as having a need-a-piss complex.
May 15th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
73
The soccerball world series incledes a team from canada. There used to be teams form mexico and japan, but they are too foreign in these times of global terror alert maximum grade six amber.
May 15th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
74
WHY THE FUCK TO I KEEP MISS TYPING FROM AND FORM!!!
It’s really starting to piss the shit out of me. christ i even did it in the caps above - i meant to type “form and from”.
Stupid fucking fingers and hands and forearms.
Sorry about the caps, but it’s getting to me.
May 15th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
75
And yes, fine, i meant “mis-typing”.
I might stay quiet for a while now in a dark room.
May 15th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
76
RN - it’s called being a capper. Don’t worry about it, there’s nothing you can do.
May 15th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
77
It’s probably just a brain tumour…
May 15th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
78
Now I have to be really careful not to fuck up my spelling. Antidisestablishmentarianism.
May 15th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
79
Morgor: like most Americans he has passed through Dublin on his two week world tour, he gets his awesome knowledge of Ireland from his great grandfathers diary, watching RTE1 and listening to Newstalk. He actually lives in Buttfuck Indiana and used to be a Ham Radio operator before the Internet.
May 15th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
80
He has a brain Twenty ?
May 15th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
81
Of course. How could he be alive without one?
May 15th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
82
“AS for the bladder urgency thing… Why the fuck dont we just get up and piss… Explain it zoo-oligists please”
It’s natures natural alarm clock or Alarm Cock as I call it.
It’s like the reason men fall asleep after sex and women are still not happy, that’s because back in the day, women would then go off and seek another partner to increase the chance of getting pregnant while the man slept.
May 15th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
83
Of course. How could he be alive without one?
Amoebas and !rish Americans manage Twenty!
May 15th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
84
noISie haVe GoOD brain, MAke FunnY commENts on Tweny BlOggYwOg.
No brian that wasn’t a shot at cappers so fuck off before you even start.
May 15th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
85
I must say rising in the morning is something that never suited me. Getting up when you wake up is best for mind and body so that’s what I do.
May 15th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
86
Who the fuck is Brian? I keep seeing his name crop up.
May 15th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
87
I am assuming it is not the fat cunt from Offaly?
May 15th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
88
Brian is an annoying troll.
May 15th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
89
Have you been away PP?
May 15th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
90
Brian. The babe they called ‘Brian’,
He grew,… grew, grew, and grew–
Grew up to be– grew up to be
A boy called ‘Brian’–
A boy called ‘Brian’.
He had arms… and legs… and hands… and feet,
This boy… whose name was ‘Brian’,
And he grew,… grew, grew, and grew–
Grew up to be–
Yes, he grew up to be
A teenager called ‘Brian’–
A teenager called ‘Brian’,
And his face became spotty.
Yes, his face became spotty,
And his voice dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Brian and show
He was certainly no–
No girl named ‘Brian’,
Not a girl named ‘Brian’.
And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see girls
And go out and get pissed,
A man called ‘Brian’–
This man called ‘Brian’–
The man they called ‘Brian’–
This man called ‘Brian’!
May 15th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
91
SG,
Don’t give up the day job!
May 15th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
92
ok
May 15th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
93
I was away for a week, and when I came back this Brian’s name cropped up but no posts from a Brian.
May 15th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
94
There was a young fella called Brian
Who thought Twenny was really annoyin’
He got on every thread
And was wreckin’ our head
Till our leader kneed him in the groyin
May 15th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
95
Brian Cowen kneed brian twat in the groin????
Or was it mary mcaleese what did it?
May 15th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
96
PP, he started on the one about McCain & then was on every thread for about a week, coz he was annoyed about the post about the Flood family in Clonroche.
We finally arranged a face to face meeting between him and twenty, but we gave him Naillerz’s address by mistake. He told Naillerz he was the lowest form of life, and has never seen the light of day since.
And neither has Naillerz’ fist.
May 15th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
97
Good God Twenty, you get a hundred comments just for scratching your nuts in the morning. Don’t let all this stardom go to your head now.
May 15th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
98
In all fairness he has been accused of being a Yank, which is preety fucking awful, that and a scalding pop tart does not make for a good day in anyones life.
May 15th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
99
Were you in Manchester PP ?
May 15th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
100
“Preety” was deliberate I was typing in an Italian accent
May 15th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
101
I’d say Brian will make a come back. Trolls like attention and he’s getting plenty of it.
What a day, eh lads? It’s a day for making love outside.
May 15th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
102
With the bastard Huns I think fucking not, the last time I was in Manchester I had nine pills and was rocking in the Hacienda.
May 15th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
103
Poems are so fucking cunt
May 15th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
104
Some beautiful scenery in these pictures….
http://www.smh.com.au/photogallery/2008/05/15/1210765012902.html
May 15th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
105
“Don’t let all this stardom go to your head now”.
He’s not the type - you’d never see him being interviewed in the Metro or publicising an upcoming book.
May 15th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
106
J5 - thanks. Further down the page is a gallery of Miss Australia shots.
May 15th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
107
Miss Australia?? Miss Universe you mean. Is it just me or is she not really up to miss universe standards? Seem to remeber a cracking run of columbian birds a few years ago you totally eclipse this girl.
May 15th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
108
http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=FJwsWeiIwgI
heh, check the punch about 30 seconds in. Out cold!
May 15th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
109
Seem to remeber a cracking run of columbian birds a few years ago you totally eclipse this girl.
Twenty, you’re right it’s a tumour. (altough a yank would say “tumor”)
Not one word SG.
May 15th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
110
But… I … it’s …
May 15th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
111
so they have finally found out what the long term affects of pill taking are:
Namely you will spend your days interacting with other past dope-fiends on a website, talking about poos, penises and other pleasantries…
And mis-typing quite a lot..
May 15th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
112
Cunt that threw the punch was a snappy dresser ! Was it Naillerzz?
May 15th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
113
heehee, SAm thinks of a penis as a pleasantry!
May 15th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
114
Well i am awfully attached to my own one, cant keep my hands off it…
May 15th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
115
Have you tried McVities Waffles lightly toasted in the toaster, smothered in butter you’ll never look at pop tarts again, or toasted Soda Farls with a boiled egg. If your reduced to savouring the 10 minute snooze button window I fear you’re a lost cause.
May 15th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
116
Thus speaks the man who apparently gets up at 3:45pm
May 15th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
117
Juice, coffee, toast and a smoke. The king of breakfasts.
May 15th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
118
Smoke,Tea,Smoke in that order
May 15th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
119
Imagine getting decked by a man(sic) in a sarong and cowboy hate. The shame
May 15th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
120
smoke,tea,call dempsey a cunt,smoke tea…
May 15th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
121
comment #99 Lung the younger
120 comments for talking about a piss horn. But 4 retards (PP excluded) making the comments
May 15th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
122
and one handicap pointing out the bleeding obvious…
May 15th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
123
That TwoSpot is a kiddy fiddler of some renown and should be roundly abused for the miscreant that he is
May 15th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
124
Jeasus twenty that was hardcore
In the mean time this youngwan was in singapore for the week and I managed to get here back to my pent house pad
last night after one of her gigs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xR8EyPH4cP0&feature=related
Just to balance your yang with my ying like …
lads the irish accent is the best panty wetting device know to man
May 15th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
125
he was more than happy to read all the comments you’ll notice… cunt.
May 15th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
126
Yep. And why the PP exclusion? I had a glance over and his comments are easily as retarded as mine or anyone’s. So, we are left with this - Two Spot is connected to PP somehow. I await the explanation.
May 15th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
127
Two-Spot is connected to pee-pee?
May 15th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
128
Golden Showers like?
May 15th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
129
And the rest
May 15th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
130
funnels, nutella, plungers, the lot
May 15th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
131
Spit Roasts..hence the name as in
“He liked to take it in the Two-spots”..
May 15th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
132
I heard it’s how much he pretended to have when he was really carrying a q