Back from the brink
Posted on | May 14, 2008 | 165 Comments
There was much joy in Ron’s last night as in walked Dirty Dave, looking a bit more dirty and dishevelled than normal, but very much alive.
Stinking Pete, I don’t mind telling you, cried like a little baby, weeping tears of pus and various other body juices at the return of his great friend. There was some back-slapping and even Ron himself bought Dave a pint, so considerate is he to the needs of his customers.
“Where have you been?”, blubbed Pete. “We were so worried about you, weren’t we lads?!”
There were some coughs and the odd muttered ‘sure, sure’ as people found their feet incredibly interesting for some reason.
“Well, I was utterly distraught on Friday when I realised I would never find true love. And it hurt me like I can’t even begin explain. Which of us does not seek companionship, someone to hold late at night when you’ve woken from a bad dream in which your eyeball falls out and then when you put it into a bowl to keep it safe you forget there’s water in the bowl and your eyeball, which is somehow made up of coloured rice, melts and becomes nothing but murky water? Who doesn’t long to feel the caress of a beautiful woman on their leathery balls?”
“Elton John!”, said Pete.
“Well, apart from Elton John”.
“Senator David Norris!”, said Pete.
“Yeah, well apart from Elton John and Senator David Norris. And don’t. We could be here all day. Now, I realise I have issues with personal hygeine but my boquet should not be an impediment to happiness. Lord knows I’ve tried. Lifeboy soap, Swarfiga, you name it, I’ve scrubbed myself with it but I am simply a redolent invididual and that is it. I mean, if Simon Weston can get his hole now and again there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to”.
“Have you tried Club M?”
“Not recently but that’s not the point. The point is that the sadness I felt, the aching chasm of despair that was opened up in me when I saw just how lonely my life was going to be until my dying day, led me to believe that I’d be better off dead. So I turned my phone off and considered it. Would it hurt? What was the quickest, most efficient way of doing it? Where would I do it? Should I leave a note? What should it say? And I won’t lie to you, I gave it all careful consideration. In the end I decided that I would take an overdose of sleeping pills with a bottle of cognac so I could go peacefully in my bed.”
“So what happened?”, asked an enthralled Pete.
“After writing my note explaining my reasons and saying my goodbyes I turned my phone back on to listen to the messages, to hear my friends voices one last time. Pete, I couldn’t understand a word you were saying on the messages you left”.
“Sorry, Dave. I was fucked out of my head on booze and crack cocaine that I bought from some lad outside the Central Bank. You know when I get worried I need to take hard drugs”.
“Yeah. I know. You mad cunt. Jimmy, I know you’re not a man of many words so I understand why you didn’t leave a message. Or you Splodge. Or you Ron. Or you Lucky.”
“I’m a not know you a missing. Spend all of a the weekend in Dundrum a shopping centre with Elisa to look for a the baby clothes. Little Lucky a coming.”
“Yeah, whatever. But there was one man who reached out to me. One man who brought me back from the brink. Whose message was so full of passion for life that I realised that I couldn’t go through with it. And for that I’ll always be grateful … Twenty”.
“What did you say, Twenty? What the fuck did you say?”, said Jimmy.
“It’s nothing, really”, I said, slightly embarrassed at having my private messages made public.
“Come on, tell us!”, said Ron.
“Yeah, tell us!”, said Pete.
“Nah … I … erm …”
“It’s ok, Twenty”, said Dave softly. “Tell them”.
“I just said … basically … well, it was … erm … basically I just told him that I’d already written about half my second book with him in it and if he killed himself I’d have to start all over again and if that happened I’d find a way to bring him back to life and I’d kill him again in the most painful way I could possibly imagine”.
“I love you, Twenty”, said Dave.
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165 Responses to “Back from the brink”
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May 14th, 2008 @ 9:21 am
Number one’s never as good as number two…
May 14th, 2008 @ 9:21 am
Unless it’s followed directly by….
May 14th, 2008 @ 9:24 am
Always knew you were a soft hearted bastard, perhaps you should form a love triangle with Morgor and MB
May 14th, 2008 @ 9:29 am
Kind of you to make the suggestion but I’ll leave them to super-AIDS each other up.
May 14th, 2008 @ 9:31 am
I once had an awful dose of super-AIDS but I plopped it out. A good plop can solve almost any issue that needs solving. Especially unwanted company.
May 14th, 2008 @ 9:32 am
I think their love has transcended super-AIDs and moved ontoto MEGA-AIDS
May 14th, 2008 @ 9:43 am
God, your a beautifully compassionate man twenty, brings a tear to the eye
May 14th, 2008 @ 9:46 am
A tear to the japs-eye more like..
May 14th, 2008 @ 9:47 am
Are you writing a second book? You should have mentioned it
May 14th, 2008 @ 9:58 am
Twenty
Sure you have all the characters for a new book in all the morgors. No fucking need for anyone else
May 14th, 2008 @ 10:00 am
Descent into Morgor?
May 14th, 2008 @ 10:01 am
“Descent into Morgor”
I think that’s what MB is aiming for (with Morgor’s consent , I must add)
May 14th, 2008 @ 10:08 am
IT wasnt you then on the Last Word with Matt Cooper last night then..Your book isn’t called the Green Marine..
Thats ok then..
May 14th, 2008 @ 10:12 am
Maria,
was that the Irish Marine who kept lapsing into ‘me and my buddies’ talk?
May 14th, 2008 @ 10:12 am
Friend of yours?
May 14th, 2008 @ 10:14 am
“Decent into Morgor:The Search for the one true Ring”
May 14th, 2008 @ 10:36 am
SuperG
God yeah …We are Marines …Their my brothers…Blah Blah ..I wanted to drive to Dublin and shoot him myself..Was hoping for some whimsical debate on the Green Marine…
May 14th, 2008 @ 10:38 am
The only good marine is a big marine called Camouflage.
May 14th, 2008 @ 10:43 am
Twenty ..I think that book is based on Camouflage.I think the Green Marine wants to be Camouflage..that and watching WAY to much TV as a child.
May 14th, 2008 @ 10:47 am
And may he go the same way as Camouflage…
May 14th, 2008 @ 10:52 am
Jesus Major, you have brought back a whole load of memories there, of drawing the dole and drinking it all whilst some mentaller put that song on the juke box fifty times. Ahh pints of Special and Mad Dog 20/20
May 14th, 2008 @ 10:52 am
“In the end I decided that I would take an overdose of sleeping pills with a bottle of cognac so I could go peacefully in my bed.”
Jesus, if Dirty Dave topped himself like that Elton John would probably have to sing a tribute song to him.
Something like ‘Candle in the Downwind’
May 14th, 2008 @ 11:02 am
Yeah Maria. He was truly a gobshite. Joined the marines because of 11/9. Then when asked how he felt about occupying a nation that had nothing to do with it, his reply was “I’m just a soldier, me and my buddies, following orders, I’m not political”.
The only difference between him and the average low IQ yank soldier was the Irish link. Reckon it must be the 2nd worst book ever…
May 14th, 2008 @ 11:04 am
Too much mentioning of Jesus!
Stop it now.
May 14th, 2008 @ 11:18 am
During a discussion on RTE, our Green Marine said “Sometimes when you are ordered to do something (invade Iraq, kill sundry brown children, listen to Damien Rice) you don’t ask questions, you just press the “I believe” button.
It was at this point that I pressed the “Oh for fuck sake” button, turned up the “this guy’s a moron” dial and powered off everything on my “listening to him for one moment longer” console
May 14th, 2008 @ 11:22 am
Rob.
I like your style.
May 14th, 2008 @ 11:30 am
Ugh, as if the americans don’t go on about 9/11 enough, now we’ve got fuckwit Irish muppets going on about it.
Religious fuckwit Irish muppets. Grrrrr.
May 14th, 2008 @ 11:42 am
Maybe he Likes killing Brown Babies?..maybe its a hobby of his?..
May 14th, 2008 @ 11:48 am
that’s fucking hilarious stuff
May 14th, 2008 @ 11:51 am
SG – Reckon it must be the 2nd worst book ever…
Dare I ask what the 1st is?
May 14th, 2008 @ 11:51 am
Ah, morgor! The very man!
I think Peurile has been whacking himself off to the idea of me ‘n’ you banging each other.
Send me a nude photo and I’ll do some Photoshoppery to help him on his way. A ‘bending-over’ pose would be nice.
May 14th, 2008 @ 11:54 am
Dessie:
In bed with Gillian McKeith
May 14th, 2008 @ 12:02 pm
that dave is weak … he should have tasted the gun mental in his mouth and said fuck you god and pulled the trigger.
May 14th, 2008 @ 12:06 pm
A ‘bending-over’ pose would be nice.
How about my take on the famous tennis girl poster?
(scratching my hairy arse in a skirt)
May 14th, 2008 @ 12:08 pm
The Japanese know how to kill themselves like real men.
By shoving steel into your belly.
May 14th, 2008 @ 12:08 pm
Remington Steel?
May 14th, 2008 @ 12:11 pm
SG – Gillian McKeith – Is she that horrible mad thing that has a root through fat peoples shit and then tells them that from the smell and the texture they’re eating too much fat and not enough fibre. Stupid cunt, can she not tell this by looking at the fat fuck she’s dealing with.
Mind you if she’s capable of analysing your turds what is she capable of in bed. Give on the dirt….
May 14th, 2008 @ 12:17 pm
Remington Steel?
Mmmm, why not. it’d be a unique way to kill yourself I suppose.
May 14th, 2008 @ 12:17 pm
Apparently she can make you pop a load with one cleverly placed touch of one of her bony fingers
May 14th, 2008 @ 12:20 pm
why do all the posts eventually get around shitting the last while?
May 14th, 2008 @ 12:21 pm
Second book? Another three quid in the Amazon coffers then…
May 14th, 2008 @ 12:22 pm
yeah morger its called Seppuku, or the plebs call it hari-kiri which literally means stomach cutting
U know Ive never understood why people generally kill themselves alone ..
why not just top yourself at a premier league match by running on the pitch in a man utd v arsenal game and blowing your head off .
Or why not in the middle of grafton street get out a sword and go and cut your own head off
Its like “hell is other people” so why not let these people see what they have inflicted on the person
May 14th, 2008 @ 12:23 pm
MMMMMmmm – sounds interesting – might be alright with a blindfold and some ear muffs so you dont have to look at or listen to her.
May 14th, 2008 @ 12:24 pm
The brother used to have a big hard on for that laura colt in remington steel . he always sneaked off to the toilet during the breaks ..
May 14th, 2008 @ 12:25 pm
sorry laura holt not colt …fuck this gun think its leaking into my psyche
May 14th, 2008 @ 12:29 pm
morgor, that pose is grand, but no tennis skirt. Starkers, like in the pub.
May 14th, 2008 @ 12:31 pm
grand.
May 14th, 2008 @ 12:46 pm
SEMICIDE
The act of killing your conjoined twin.
Anymore folks?
May 14th, 2008 @ 12:50 pm
I am feeling something coming in on the brainwaves from Brian.
-He is feeling dirty, now that the boyfriend has gone to work. He’s already had three showers, but it’s no good.
-wait a minute…there’s something else coming through…. Yes, what’s that Brian?
-He’s wondering what the average Twenty Major reader profile is. He’s jealous that he hasn’t got some handy no-brainer job, where he could post stupid comments all day.
You’re fading Brian, think louder!
-something, something, something, sense of humour.
Hmmmm!
May 14th, 2008 @ 12:51 pm
Semicide: wouldnt that be killing yourself while being Mildly aroused?
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:12 pm
Bertiegate
“Mr Cooper also could not explain why 24 people were asked to contribute to the £56,000 cost of buying St Luke’s when the old office in Amiens Street was sold for the exact same sum.”
Can someone explain the importance of that – sorry – i’m a bit slow today
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:15 pm
Morgor can you wear the short tartan number and weave your arse hair into a sporran. please hurry up my work is particularly dull today and I need something to liven my day up.
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:26 pm
Monkey balls, due to my lack of concentration span, I couldnt be arsed to read all that Blog about the Room for rent, but i just hope that there was a twenty style ending, and there was a pile of poo or something, please tell me you werent advertising a room to rent on a blog…
And If you african friend needs to borrow your bank account details to help with this inheritance, be wary…
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:28 pm
And organdonor, it would be the “semi” that is getting killed, so you would have to be on a vibrating bus, having a nice old time of it, and suddenly see Jo Brand doing the tennis girl pose mentioned earlier…
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:31 pm
It think without immediate medical care ,that it would be fatal..at least though you could die gushing..technically the wrong fluid but gushing all the same…hurry up with that photo morgor!!
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:36 pm
sorry can’t deliver today, my boss already has his pants off under his desk so if I take my pants off too he’ll take that as an invitation. I’ve seen it happen to a colleague before.
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:38 pm
I think you should call yourself Morgor the Tease
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:39 pm
ok, here’s my one from last year on dollyer…
http://www.geekpulp.co.nz/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/tennis-anyone.jpg
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:40 pm
But he’s your boss morgor, just like me.
You won’t be ‘delivering’, you’ll be ‘receiving’.
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:40 pm
He’ll call it “Team Building” and you’ll feel ashamed and dirty..
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:41 pm
Morgor The Violated?
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:41 pm
my tennis pose from last summer is linked to my sig above
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:43 pm
SG I saw you there, shot on Brittas Bay last week was it?
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:44 pm
nah, dollyer last summer. but i think mrs. grover was at brittas last week. we look very alike.
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:45 pm
Fuck sake SuperGrover! That is the best “Shadow that looks like a Cunt” I’ve ever seen in my life!
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:46 pm
thanks. it is my favourite snap.
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:48 pm
“Matricide”
The act of killing your bed
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:50 pm
MB Did you find a
sex slaveHouse mate yet?May 14th, 2008 @ 1:51 pm
it’s a strange company I work for alright.
May 14th, 2008 @ 1:59 pm
Nah organdonor, not yet. The African/Cockney is missing since Friday aswell. Can’t get through to him on his ‘phone either.
Fuck it, I’m enjoying the empty gaff.
SAm Crea- Yes, I was advertising a Room-to-rent on my blog. It’s my way of doing my bit without actually getting out of bed or sobering-up. It’s the least I can do, and the best anyone can hope for.
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:01 pm
Regicide – the killing of Leonard Rossiter
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:05 pm
Dont suppose he left a note either the ignorant cunt…
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:05 pm
Patracide – the killing of Pat The Rat
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:06 pm
baring in mind i dont know him at all but cunt hasnt been used for a bit and Brian was getting worried..
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:06 pm
Pesticide – the killing of brian
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:06 pm
Genocide – the killing of Dexy’s Midnight Runners’ first hit single.
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:08 pm
Pesticide – The Killing of Brian..
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:08 pm
fungicide – the killing of jackie healy-rae’s dolphin
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:09 pm
homicide – also the killing of brian
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:09 pm
Great minds od, and also something about fools….
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:10 pm
..and horses??
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:10 pm
herbicide – the killing of homer’s brother
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:10 pm
seaside – oh, the place I do like to be beside.
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:11 pm
Sarahsidle – killing that moany bitch on CSI Las Vegas
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:11 pm
“Fivecide”
The killing of five people
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:11 pm
pintacide ..loads a ice
i know.. I cheated a bit
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:12 pm
Genocide – the killing of Dexy’s Midnight Runners’ first hit single.
hahaha
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:13 pm
outside – the killing of somebody becaues they left the closet
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:14 pm
broadcide – shooting at fat people with cannons from a boat.
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:16 pm
the killing of a jury of your peers – letthecourtdecide
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:17 pm
The Killing of Big Brother Contestants – Youdecide..
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:19 pm
Outcide – the killing of an openly gay person
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:19 pm
suez side: drowning yourself in a canal
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:19 pm
Ostracide – Killing stupid Birds with long necks – Watch out Naomi Campbell
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:21 pm
threequarterlengthcombatricide- A Cunt Cull
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:22 pm
5-a-side, killing of an amateur football team
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:22 pm
Flatricide: The killing of people from Ballymun; usually a harginger of lower crime
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:23 pm
Infanticde – a good name for a pet Dingo
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:23 pm
cantdecide – killing time
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:23 pm
Hatricide: Being killed by Odd Job from James Bond
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:32 pm
Farside – Death by Gary Larsson
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:33 pm
Blogicide- Posting a room-to-rent on your blog
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:37 pm
Northcide- a great, great shopping centre.
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:38 pm
Cider- If you don’t die drinking it, the farts will get you in the morning.
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:40 pm
westcide – choosing between hell and connaught
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:45 pm
blogicide … haha you one funny munky balls
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:46 pm
Pik-A-Side;
Death by a Labourer’s tool
or
Death by photograph
or
Death by Pokemon
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:53 pm
Farticide – Killing Moments
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:57 pm
Alljokesaside – Killing Joke
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:58 pm
Alwayslookonthebrightcide – the killing of Monty Python
May 14th, 2008 @ 2:59 pm
Brookside- Death by Ms. Shields.
Brushaside- Death by Mr. Shiels.
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:00 pm
Fungicide: Killing Dingle dolphins
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:06 pm
Aparcide- death by getting on the wrong bus with a lisp.
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:11 pm
Aparcide- death by getting on the wrong bus with a lisp.
What?
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:14 pm
Apartheid you stupid fucker
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:15 pm
Like Rosa Parks stayin in her seat..
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:15 pm
Stepacide: murder of south dublin inhabitants
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:15 pm
hehe PP, not too forgiving are you? :)
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:16 pm
infanticide – asian hobby.
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:17 pm
decideicide – death by indecision
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:17 pm
Morgor the floater? (theres been no poo references in a while)
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:17 pm
Plebicide – The killing of a stupid person
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:17 pm
up yer pushole peurile cuntface
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:18 pm
The B side- Death by disco-mix
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:18 pm
infantacide – poisoned fizzy orange drink
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:19 pm
mrbrightiside – killed by the killers
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:19 pm
plenty of poo references from plop.
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:20 pm
formaldecide: death by suit
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:21 pm
not in the last 10 mins though..the standards weren’t slipping for Brian..
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:25 pm
Faecesacide- Death by shit
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:30 pm
Spermacide – Death by Porn
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:32 pm
Humbercide
The killing of a river (or old car)
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:34 pm
tyneside – the death of either cagney or lacey, i’m not sure which
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:34 pm
haha
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:35 pm
Ringside: killing of Morgor through arse shagging
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:35 pm
Beecide – the killing of honey making insects
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:38 pm
leecide – death by a shower of cork cunts
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:42 pm
Bogcide: Death by Mucksavage
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:49 pm
mersicide – death by scouser
May 14th, 2008 @ 3:49 pm
RN- haha
May 14th, 2008 @ 4:07 pm
Sidebycide- Unintended death whilst trying to kill oneself.
May 14th, 2008 @ 4:43 pm
RN. Brilliant..
Tigricide…Killing of David Mc Williams
Bushicide…killed by excess riding
May 14th, 2008 @ 4:55 pm
Mr Brightside – Killers killed
May 14th, 2008 @ 5:05 pm
hah, that’s twice J5
May 14th, 2008 @ 5:12 pm
Cyanide- Death by one-third of an ink cartridge.
May 14th, 2008 @ 5:44 pm
Zooicide – Death of the receptionist at Dublin Zoo after answering 5000 crank callers looking for Mr. G. Raffe.
May 14th, 2008 @ 5:49 pm
Tide-icide – death by listening to Blondie.
May 14th, 2008 @ 5:51 pm
Jenicide – Too much Friends
May 14th, 2008 @ 6:21 pm
Sorry for totally hijacking that threat Twenty!
May 14th, 2008 @ 6:32 pm
heh, no hassle, I love this kind of stuff.
Patchricide – the killing of a pirate
May 14th, 2008 @ 7:39 pm
Thorninmycide… Death by The Eurythmics
May 14th, 2008 @ 7:51 pm
Thalidocide…
*runs away**
*from Brian
May 14th, 2008 @ 7:57 pm
As fast as your little legs can carry you.
May 14th, 2008 @ 8:57 pm
Ironcide – being run over by a wheelchair
Insecticide – being killed by one of the Beatles
Firecide – being shot out of a cannon
Alongcide – being trampled by a giraffe
Woodcide – death from Viagra overdose
May 14th, 2008 @ 8:59 pm
Bedcide – death by over-shagging (totally worth it)
May 14th, 2008 @ 9:18 pm
Kerbcide – killing a hooker
Both cides now – a suicide pact
The Darkcide – being run over while not wearing armbands
Madeciderinsideherincide – killing Snow White with a poisoned apple
May 14th, 2008 @ 9:47 pm
“Thalidocide…”
Ah hah ha. Or death by nudging.
May 14th, 2008 @ 9:51 pm
Silvercide – A corny death
May 14th, 2008 @ 9:59 pm
Stickitupyourbackcide – a Michael Barrymore party
May 14th, 2008 @ 10:03 pm
Breakonthroughtotheothercide – being hit by a Door
May 14th, 2008 @ 10:11 pm
Pitchcide – killing Geoff Shreeves from Sky
Rivercide – killing Gareth Southgate
May 14th, 2008 @ 10:14 pm
EveryoneisinthepubandIamstuckincide – depression caused by being the only person left on a thread.
May 14th, 2008 @ 10:41 pm
no you’re not
May 14th, 2008 @ 10:55 pm
Thanks for that, OD – or OO as you seem to be called now.
May 14th, 2008 @ 11:35 pm
oops..well it still works..