Das Boot
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on May 12th, 2008
“Have you heard from Dave?”, I asked Stinking Pete in Ron’s last night.
“No, I haven’t. And I’m getting a bit worried now. I tried to call him but his answering machine message is now the theme song from M*A*S*H. What do you think it means?”
“I suspect he’s probably going to kill himself because he’ll never find true love”.
“Really? Oh no! We have to do something”.
“Yes, I agree. We definitely need to do something to take our minds of it. How much money would I have to give you to let me kick you in the balls as hard as I could?”
“What?”
“It’s a very simple question.”
“How .. what … Jesus, Dave could be hanging from his neck like negro in the deep south”.
“Alabama?”
“Well, I was thinking Dingle but that probably makes more sense. Anyway, that’s not the point.”
“You’re right. €50.”
“No. I’m not playing this game.”
“€200″.
“No, look, we’ve got to do something to find him.”
“€500″.
“Seriously Twenty, you need to grow up. Our friend could be lying dead or sitting in a bath with his wrists slit or stiff as a board with an iPod on and a Damien Rice album on repeat. There are more important things in this life than you kicking me in the balls. For once I wish you’d see that. We’re not your playthings, we’re real people with real feelings and emotions and sometimes you take advantage of that. I should probably have said something about this years ago, I’d have saved Dave and I all manner of torture and practical jokes and pranks but I’m saying it now. Better now than never”, said Pete shaking with emotion.
“€1000?”
” ….cash?”
“Yeah”.
“Ok. Do you want to do it now?”
“Nah. I just wanted to know how much it would take to boot you right in the bollocks. Now that I know I’ll store that info and use it at a later stage.”
“I could really do with the money though. Any chance of an advance?”
“Here’s €20″.
“Thanks. What about Dave?”
“Ah fuck him, he’ll turn up”.
Thats it! You fuckers might be prepared to mess around while Dave’s life hangs in the balance, but I for one am going to do something. I’ll send a link to his BEBO tribute page when I’ve finished it.
May 12th, 2008 at 12:34 am
Funny. Remember the Robert Smith episode of South Park, and Í’ll Roshambo you for it?’
May 12th, 2008 at 1:01 am
1
It seems sensible to set up a group on Facebook expressing concern for Dave. That’s what he really needs now, a Facebook group.
May 12th, 2008 at 1:10 am
2
Is a Freegan the same as a Fraggle?
May 12th, 2008 at 3:00 am
3
I saw a car crash today. Any chance Dave’s in the US?
May 12th, 2008 at 3:06 am
4
Jesus, just let it go.
I don’t think I can take another Maddy Mac, Trevor Whatshisname, ‘Yeah, sure they’re still alive and super happy too’ year of comedy.
May 12th, 2008 at 7:15 am
5
Last week the crocodile tears and totally baseless psychological diagnosis of a suicide in Wexford….this week the subject is funny.
You are verging on becoming a sad and innefective shadow of your genuine former brilliance Twenty.
May 12th, 2008 at 7:49 am
6
Who’s Maddy Mac?
And once again you miss the point completey, Gluestain.
May 12th, 2008 at 8:18 am
7
I can only assume that Maddy Mac refers to Madeline McCain.
Not to worry about Dave though. If worse comes to worse, it’d take a (brave) sniffer dog about 30 seconds to track him down.
May 12th, 2008 at 8:23 am
8
Oh aye, that makes sense. A bit slow(er) this morning.
I tried the sniffer dog thing - I held one of Dirty Dave’s t-shirts under Bastardface’s nose.
The vet said he was lucky to survive.
May 12th, 2008 at 8:26 am
9
You want I should make you an arguido?
May 12th, 2008 at 8:26 am
10
If somebody will start a fund for us to
spend on pintshelp find Dave then, yes, yes I want you should.May 12th, 2008 at 8:28 am
11
You want I should be the treasurer?
OK, I had a feeling you’d want I shouldn’t.
May 12th, 2008 at 8:37 am
12
Dutch Gold procurer …
May 12th, 2008 at 8:39 am
13
You know me too well!
May 12th, 2008 at 8:46 am
14
Aw Twenty, why did you have to mention the Dutch Gold?
I was going to try to save it ’til after 12:00.
Ksssh!
Glug, glug, glug, glug…..
May 12th, 2008 at 9:03 am
15
What is Dutch Gold ?
May 12th, 2008 at 9:26 am
16
Dutch Gold is Dublin slang for urine.
May 12th, 2008 at 9:46 am
17
Johnny5, you’re misleaded. Dutch Gold may very well be a major contributor in the production of Dublin urine, but it tastes more like Sugar Puffs if you ask me.
May 12th, 2008 at 9:52 am
18
I drank enough of that shite in college to know what it tastes like and it does not taste like sugar puffs.
Unless sugar puffs taste like badger jizzum?
May 12th, 2008 at 9:53 am
19
You don’t buy Dutch Gold, you rent it.
May 12th, 2008 at 9:56 am
20
It’s like this Johnny5; When you’re attending college, and every single day the same bullies keep hassling you ‘cos you’re a dweeb, DO NOT DRINK THE ALREADY-OPENED CANS OF LAGER THEY GIVE YOU!
May 12th, 2008 at 9:59 am
21
ye can kick me in de bollix for free
May 12th, 2008 at 10:27 am
22
Sorry - I remember thedays of Paki Black, so I wasn’t sure if Dutch Gold was Lager or Cannabis.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:32 am
23
I’d say that Dave is, as yer man on the wireless once put it, “buried up to his bollix” in some young one he met while she was rambling home from the Trinity Ball where she had been ditched by her date called Simon…She is showing him things that he never knew could happne before with a bendy young thing. He will call you on Wednesday when she has shagged him senseless and realises she has exams on Thursday
And well done United on the Premiership. At least we have won something this season and a nice touch to let Giggs be presented with the trophy….
May 12th, 2008 at 10:42 am
24
Much as i hate united and chelsea, i do like giggs so it was good to see him lift after scoring, and equalling charlton’s record.
Lung - renting dutch gold, hehehehe.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:06 am
25
MonkeyBalls, if you ever call me a dweeb again I’ll put your head through the wall.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:35 am
26
Sorry Johnny, mea culpa.
You’re a cunt.
My mistake.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:39 am
27
on the net, do you put someone’s head through the firewall?
May 12th, 2008 at 11:40 am
28
Excuse my repetition there, Latin lovers.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:40 am
29
Christ, I’ve a head on me this morning. Gave the smirnoff a right lash last night. Johnny5 - you left your jacket at my place.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:51 am
30
You are excused. I would have put it down to translation for the great unwashed. Dulce et decorum est.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:51 am
31
Ni idea what that means, but wasn’t it an album by The Skids?
May 12th, 2008 at 11:52 am
32
In utero, yours sincerely, etc.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:53 am
33
Anne, was he a dweeb in bed, too?
May 12th, 2008 at 11:53 am
34
apparently they have dutch gold on tap in some pub in waterford city ….
May 12th, 2008 at 11:54 am
35
Anybody remember the Dead Kennedys?
My personal favourite song
I Kill Hard drives
(I think it was )
May 12th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
36
@ Morgor_the_whatever_it_is_today
Hoffmans is yer only man down in the land of the Blahs,
or pint bottles of Carling XL
(They are in a world of their own)
May 12th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
37
I am the fucking Pol Pot/Stalin /Hitler all rolled into one of the Hard drive world….
May 12th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
38
No SAm, you’re getting mixed up.
You’re think of “I take over Hard Drives with me fist” by Nailerz.
May 12th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
39
hic!
think
(sic)
May 12th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
40
Leave it in the bogs in the Whitehorse, Anne. I’ll collect it tomorrow morning
May 12th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
41
Poor nailerz,
He has us all writing shitty Dittys…
Some worse than others..
never blog after beers,
You might make a cunt of yourself…
May 12th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
42
See they are trying to get rid of early houses now the bastards..
J5 I think the white horse is (what our american friends call) now a Shopping Mall… or summit..
May 12th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
43
It wasn’t when I was drinking large brandys in it this morning, Sam.
May 12th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
44
Ah, pint bottles of carling in the shitty local nightclub, those were the days.
Dunno where you’re getting Hoffmans out of though…
May 12th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
45
SAm, are you politely telling me to fuck off?
It’s OK. I have to leave soon to pick up the kids from school. If I don’t leave early I’ll never be able to get past the teachers guarding the gates.
I think they have the Lollipop Lady watching for me or something.
Now where’s me balaclava?
May 12th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
46
No MB, was referring to myself
May 12th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
47
Hoffmans in the silver cans, they used (dont know if still do) to brew the shite down there…
May 12th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
48
not too sure to be honest, I’m from the county not the city, and I didn’t spend too long there.
I did notice lots of people drinking on the streets though. Its a real classy place.
May 12th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
49
Googled it, could find shag all, except that there is a brewery called cherrys brewery which made it, and i dont know if it still does.. and that they used to sponsor waterford united in 1984
Thank you google
May 12th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
50
I’m getting a bad feeling about this Dave business. I sense a terrible anti-climax in a week or two when the punchline finally appears!
May 12th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
51
if he has suicide is painless as his answering message he’s not gonna do anything, he’s just seeking attention.
May 12th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
52
Cherry Brewery is the Waterford Brewery that Diageo is closing. Small operation.
May 12th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
53
If you don’t want to find Dave I would suggest hiring the Portugese Police. I will happily run your press campaign, we need to appeal for sympathy, so we will start on about how you normally keep a close eye on him, but how this one time you and your mates decided to have a drink on your own and you were sure he would be safe wherever he was..blah..blah..blah.
We also need a rich celebrity on side, I would suggest someone like Bertie, who has loads of time on his hands for worthy causes.
May 12th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
54
i think I need to start reading what twenty is posting, but its a case of MEGO…
May 12th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
55
Is Diageo just closing down all of the small breweries in Ireland?
May 12th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
56
A spokesman for diageo was quoted as saying….
“Not just Ireland - but the WORLD!!!!! Wuh ha ha haaa!!! (twirls moustache maniacally)”
May 12th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
57
Diageo : closing down small businesses since 1997
May 12th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
58
Dave goes missing for a period of time, huh. Has it ever occurred to you that he’s probably Stateside dancing his little heart out every night as a chorus-boy on Broadway? Don’t you think he has dreams too? I bet you haven’t even noticed he can kick the height of himself while wearing 4″ heels and has legs like a well turned piano leg*. Jesus, you people.
* x 2.
May 12th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
59
Is this Brian’s way at getting back at Twenty - Holding Dave as a hostage or worse still keeping him for breeding stock before releasing his spawn on the world…
May 12th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
60
You do realise of course that Diageo is an acronym….Don’t imagine any great employment opportunities
May 12th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
61
Much as i hate united and chelsea, i do like giggs so it was good to see him lift after scoring, and equalling charlton’s record.
I really fucking hate united as well. Giggs is the only united player I’ve any respect for.
One of the reasons I hate them so much is their fans. 95% of united fans are wankers.
I remember about 4 or 5 years ago giggs was going through a bad spell of form, and there was united fans booing him. One of their most dedicated and loyal players ever and they were booing him.
Manchester United Fans are all fucking cunts
May 12th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
62
Good man Peadar!
May 12th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
63
Giggs is a boss eyed Welsh cuntbag
May 12th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
64
Samcrea..I remember The DK’s…classics such as “Holidays in Cambodia; “Is my cock big enough for you to make me a star”; “give me convenience or give me death”
just back from Dinasaur Jr in The Academy
€6.50 a pint!!????
fucking disgrace; it will go wallop at those prices
gl
May 12th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
65
We’re not all cunts but in the eyes of all liverpool fans we probably are…but we think Pool scum supporting fans are complete and utters cunts. Hatred of all things Liverpool is also why I don’t drink Carlsberg.
Seriously however I think liverpool are 3-4 players short of a Premiership winning team at the moment but Torres was a great buy.
May 13th, 2008 at 10:02 am
66
I missed Dinosaur Jnr!! What were they like?
May 13th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
67