Ride the King’s highway, baby
*bring bring*
“Hello?”
“Twenty, it’s me, Dave. Dirty Dave.”
“What’s up, Dave?”
“I’m in love!!”
“Oh fuck, have you been watching Fast Times at Ridgemount High again? I thought we told you about that. If Phoebe Cates’s lawyers get wind of this-”
“No, with a real person this time”.
“Really?”
“Who is she?”
“She’s gorgeous. She’s got lovely long brown hair and a great figure and a sexy way about her. Oh yes”.
“But who is she?”
“I don’t know but I saw her on Nassau Street about an hour ago and I’m following her around town until we get to know each other better”.
“That’s not so much following as stalking, Dave. You know what the cops said about that”.
“But-”
“Let her go, Dave”.
“But-”
“Let her go”.
“Ok”.
“Turn and walk the other way”.
“I am”, he said mournfully.
“Will I ever find true love, Twenty? Be honest now”.
“No. Not a fucking chance. But I’ll buy you a pint or two this evening”.
“A pint of love?”
“Who do you think you are? Marc Almond?”
“Goodbye, Twenty. Goodbye, pal”.
*click*
May 9th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
I almost feel sorry for him.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Gor bless you twenty, underneath that rough exterior is a man of compassion and fairness
May 9th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Deep in my brain the neurons responsible for remembering Marc Almond and his pint of love are trying to connect and remind me of something heinous. Yoohoo! they cry. Come and link us!
I refuse their request.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
You cannot refuse. You know where they are, how they connect. Resistance is futile.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Marc Almond officially denies all that as being a viscous rumour started by Sir Cliff himself
May 9th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Don’t strain yourself PCB, coz when you figure it out you’ll just go “ah, for fuck’s sake…”
Like I did.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
We watch “Fast Times” every xmas after dinner.
Love it.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Dessiefanny “Marc Almond officially denies all that as being a viscous rumour started by Sir Cliff himself”.
Vicious.
Look up viscous in a dictionary and you will realise what a great pun you have made.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Must…Resist…Remembering… Aaargh!
*bites knuckles as beads of sweat trickle into my eyes to full orchestral accompaniment with “Night On A Bare Mountain”*
Quick! Tweezers! A hot poker, someone! I need to perform an emergency Almond abortion through my ear. And…sutures… There…Aaaah.
Ha! I’ll never remember now, Twenty! I might never again recall the faces of my children laughing as toddlers on a sunlit day which was a neighbouring memory – but at least I’ve rooted that Walnut freak out – see, I’ve forgotten him already!
May 9th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Will nobody think of the poor innocent horse?
Oh, the beastiality!
May 9th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
He sounds depressed.
You should try and sell him something like a pyramid scheme.
Or get him drunk and make him cry on camera.
May 9th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
No fuckers phone goes ‘bring bring’ anymore…
May 9th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
SG -I unintentionally mispelled vicious and thought the resulting word looked appropiate considering the circumstances – back to twenty’s change/drop 1 letter game
MB – What has shergar got to do with it – I heard it was a 15 hour session in the bushes of a london park. Ahhh the brits do know how to organise an orderly queue. Next….
May 9th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
My phone goes *bring bring*
May 9th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
My phone goes “HONK HONK HONK”
May 9th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
My phone doesn’t make any sound at all in a pint of viscose…
May 9th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
my phone goes “Gimme a Ride”
May 9th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
oh that wasn’t my phone, that was a goose.
whoops.
May 9th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Not really a surprise, SoS
May 9th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
my phone’s gone
May 9th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
MB – Dont tell me you loaned your phone to Ashley Cole – You wont want it back and it he only wants you to keep phoning it, the dirty bastard
May 9th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Ashley Cole? Is that some fit bird or something?
Last time I saw me phone, the missus had just shot it across the room. (She has this talent.) I wasn’t looking where it landed, but there were a few fit celebrity-looking types in the place.
May 9th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Ashley Cole – Premiership footballer that had a rumour going around about his love for vibrating mobile phones and dank and dark places – you would’nt be putting the phone to your ear afterwards, or would you?
May 9th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
My phone laid an egg.
I think it’ll hatch into a baby phone.
May 9th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
[...] Dear Dirty Dave Published May 9, 2008 1 Tags: Love Letters Dear Dirty Dave, [...]
May 9th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
[...] Dear Dirty Dave Published May 8, 2008 1 Tags: Love Letters Dear Dirty Dave, [...]
May 9th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
My phone goes ‘bring bring’. And I’ve heard you can buy an old bakelite receiver that connects to your mobile so you can take it out of your bag on the Dart after your phone goes ‘bring bring’. Sheer entertainment value.
May 9th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
I followed a girls arse down grafton street yesterday Lovely it was.
May 9th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Mostly my phone goes bring bring – but coz I have 1 of those everything-that-twists-&-turns-type-pda-wottsits, I have some stealth rings too – like if it’s work & I have to stress out it plays this fearfully annoying electronic flight of the bumblebee that sends me into paroxsysms of panic, & if it’s someone uber-hawt(blame Steph for the terminology) it plays a dodgy Bolero, but, if it’s a right minger then it woofs at me like a pseudo Bastard-face, quite handy really.
I feel for Dave.
May 9th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
two relevant points:
1. the best way to navigate yourself down a crowded street in Dublin is lock eyes on the nicest fast moving arse you can find, and follow it. It’s both useful and arousing.
2. I ordered a ‘crispy chicken in sauce’ from a Chinese the other day and nearly puked when I saw that the sauce was a milky/clear viscous substance that looked strangely like semen and smelled like vinegar.
I still ate it.
I wish I didn’t, because it tasted like semen too.
May 9th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
My phone went. So did my big screen tv, my car, my dog, my house and my wife. I gotta get a bettler lawyer the next time.
May 9th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
I disapprove of phones, especially the mobile ones.
May 9th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
You should have left him alone, he’d have found all the love he needs in jail.
May 10th, 2008 at 3:28 am
when did owning a mobile phone go from being a pure cunt who needs to feel important to “how did i ever live without one?”
i’ve never had one yet somehow my life works just fine.
yet i’m the luddite fuckin’ loser?
May 10th, 2008 at 9:07 am
exactly lazlo. you fucking loser luddite cunt.
*makes a swatting motion at a helicopter in the sky*
May 10th, 2008 at 9:26 am
I reckon the nokia tune has the potential to turn me into a mass murderer.
May 10th, 2008 at 9:40 am
[...] Dear Dirty Dave Published May 10, 2008 Love Letters Tags: Love Letters Dear Dirty Dave, [...]
May 10th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Lazlo, you’re dead right. I used to sit on that side of the fence too. Wish I still did.
Mobile phones = Electronic device used for telling lies
May 10th, 2008 at 11:32 am
hehe MB, that was some whopper you were telling your girlfriend when i met you.
“yeah yeah, we’re in a queue at my job at the moment, talk to my friend, he’s here too”
pass it on to me after about 6 pints in the pub at about 9 o clock
“em yeah, great interview . . . em yeah for a job that’s it . . . “
May 10th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Thanks very much morgor. Good job she can’t read, isn’t it?
Apart from that, she asked me to thank you. She hadn’t laughed so much in ages. Something to do with your high-pitched cultchie accent.
-Women, eh? You can’t live with them, and you can’t live with them.*
*No, that’s not a mistake!
May 10th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
hehe, it sure is.
Call her a cunt for me. (in a good way)
i thought the phrase was
“can’t live with them, can’t legally kill them”
May 10th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Can’t legally kill them eh?
Meg Walsh anyone………..
May 10th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
oooohhh.nice rob.
you trying to needle brian the crusader?.that’ll be right up his street.
shocking result though eh?
speaking of the cunt,u reckon that twenty has “silenced” the little cuntass?
May 10th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Mmmmmm Phoebe Cates. That Kevin Klein is a luck fecker. And that scene in the pool is top.
May 10th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Should be lucky. I have man-flu.
May 11th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
“Ride the King’s highway baby”!!? – brings me back to my days in ‘The End’, a Doors cover band…long live the lizard king..
May 11th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
God help you Leon.
-that any man should suffer The Doors once is enough.
A Doors cover-band, why that’s got to contravene the Geneva Convention. If GWB gets wind of it, you can expect the imminent closure of Guantanamo Bay. It will be redundant.
Most over-rated pile of shite ever foisted on the public.
Popular in France, no doubt. Does that not set the alarm bells ringing?
Sorry if I come across as aggresive. You deserve pity.
Do you want me to set up a fund or something?
May 12th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Ah man come on surely you can show some appreciation for the founder of rock n’roll wild man antics Jim? I suppose now is not a good time to mention my Morrison tatoo.. Howz Tallaght? glad to be nowhere near the kip anymore..