Reading this morning that four Irish beaches have failed an EU standards test for hygiene because of the presence of human or animal waste.
Yet we happily get into the water where fish and whales and those sneaky cunt dolphins have been pooing all day long. The beach in Ireland is a bit crap, isn’t it? I mean, we have some lovely ones, we just don’t have the weather to enjoy them properly.
I remember days as a kid spent at Brittas Bay and even on those rare occassions when we’d get a scorcher and get the skin burnt off us as we played (while mothers slathered cooking oil on themselves to soak up the sun) the water was always fucking freezing. Hundreds of little blue children would chatter about the water.
‘It’ll be grand once you get used to it’, they’d say, but it was never fine. It was always bitterly cold, especially as it came up over your shorts and then when you eventually plucked up the courage to dive under, it feel like your shoulders had been pressed against large block of ice. I read somewhere there’s only 1 degree difference in the summer and winter temperatures of the Irish sea. Fuck that shit.
One of my fondest memories is lying at the water’s edge on a Spanish beach drinking a bottle of cava wrapped in a brown paper bag and smoking a big fat joint.
I am one classy bastard, you know.
classy, my arse. Did you have a cigarette holder for the joint, nah? no class
The beach was all about Soggy ham and sand sandwiches and warm TK white Lemonade.
awww, man, it may have been freezing and all that, but as a kid, i spent many happy days pissing about on dollyer, sand castles (with a web of intricate tunnels; well, one in reality), footballs, dogs, chasing in the dunes, the raw scrape of a football on a bare foot, jumpers for goalposts, etc.
now i live just up the road from a beach and tend more towards the stroll and spliff end of things but it’s still all good.
how long before someone quotes bill hicks, dirt meets water, etc?
and a nogger ice-pop on the way home from the shop at artane roundabout
Used to holiday in the west where the water managed to be colder than ice all year round. Still great though.
It has to be red lemonade in my memories, and digging massive holes in the sand is the best laugh ever for some reason.
Red lemonade is awesome.
And the limp ‘sand’wiches were always horrible but madly tasty.
“One of my fondest memories is lying at the water’s edge on a Spanish beach drinking a bottle of cava wrapped in a brown paper bag and smoking a big fat joint.”
would want to have been a big fuckin brown paper bag to wrap you in it…
haha
I’ve never drank from a bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag. Must try it some time. Is it good?
It makes it taste super awesomer.
The ham in the sandwiches always tasted brilliant but the tomato went all funny.
Hi Lucy! Nice meeting you!
Seems to me, Lucy is kinda super.
There were plenty of brown trout in Dollyer before the EU came along I do’nt remember the Govt closing any beaches in the Fifties or Sixties.
Twenty, you must surely be bracing yourself in shuddering terror for today’s attack from the great crusader and guardian of public morals that is Brian.
Your day of reckoning is at hand don’t you know
Maybe it’s Brian from Family Guy
Jesus, it’s brian cowen.
Reckon he had some time to kill yesterday, spent it looking around the web and stumbled across this cess pit.
Tough on twenty, tough on the causes of twenty.
My Dad is a lovely guy but turned into a bastard tyrant at the beach. I grew up in the west and by late May or early June my bro’ and I would be fired into the sea with encouraging shouts of “tis grand, it’ll do ya good, get down in it like a good man, yer willy is the worst part (oh how right he was about that – and nothing has changed in the many years between, it’s the crusty bits you see)”.
Then you’d struggle out of the foaming surf, teeth a-chattering, large goose bumps making your fish-belly white skin look like you had some kind of exaggerated, blue tinted pox, and Dad would shout “Sure you’re only after getting’ in, what are you getting out for already. Get back now, ‘twill put hair on your chest!”
Hair on your chest me bollix! I think it stunted my hirsute abilities and to this day my moustache looks like that of Fu Manchu’s sister’s.
Finely, after an eternity, when he did let you out, near death from hypothermia and shaking so hard you’d make a good vibrator for a very large woman, begging for a towel, he – ever mindful of the washing and drying he never did – would say “Run up and down the beach to dry off, you’ll be dry in no time”.
If we were really lucky the rain might stop and the sun might even come out.
Oh Happy Days!
It’s Brian Cant.
Although there may be some issues with the pronunciation of his name.
I wonder if Brian is that swine who decked Twenty with the Ashtray? Of a FF hit-cunt takig revenge for Bertie? Couldn’t be a green as he almost made sense.
Fuck me – Fern britton’s brother-in-law ?
“He briefly stood in for Eddie Waring in the game show It’s a Knockout.” – what a Star! Won’t be long befoe he’s on ‘I’m a celebrity, get me out of here’ then.
It was 13 beaches that failed to meet acceptable standards of human and animal waste. No thanks to you and your round the world poo tour of 2004.
You make a good point here, Twenty. Human sewage in the water is no different to fish poo. Fuck that John Gormley cunt for telling I can’t bathe in human faeces. Not that I would want to anyway because… [reference to Brittas Bay being cold in the 1980s, followed by pointless, seemingly unconncected recollection of once smoking cannibas in Spain.]
Glad you cleared that up Twenty, you have opened my eyes. When it comes to coherent points, concisely made, you would certainly give my Granny a run for her money.
having seen some of the human waists on irish beaches, their owners should be rolled back into the water then harpooned repeatedly. cake eating eyesores
Brian, you are a sap.
How’s that for concise?
Concise, maybe, but hardly sustainable.
I used to have a mate who could clear a room in 5 minutes by labouring some point (usually due to personal issues, frustration, etc.) to the point where the laughter would die down, the chat would dry up, and everyone kept a mile away from the weirdo.
He was well read, well educated, but couldn’t tell a social gathering from a political debate.
Just in case you don’t notice, Brian… that’s you, that is
Sap
Incidentally, SuperGrover, is your first name Grover? You were clearly the apple of your parents eye, that they gave you such a attractive, masculine name.
Or did you just misspell SuperGroover, in which case… you are Disco Stu’s retarded older brother?
Is Brian your first name, Brian?
Because if it is you’re still a tedious fucking cunt.
No, It’s Grover alright. SuperGrover was in Sesame Street. Liked him as a kid. Grover has always been my nickname. Simple as that, really.
“You were clearly the apple of your parents eye, that they gave you such a attractive, masculine name.”
Sap.
i have a hamgover today, no it’s not a typo.
Parma?
Oh, you’re named after a Sesame Street character. And here was I thinking you were just some Muppet. Yeah, my first name is Brian (in fairness, if I was gonna make something up I’d hardly go with Brian) and I’m clearly not tedious as I have you all so upset and rallying to the defence of your poor defenceless Twenty.
Good god – brian, i know you explained all this before but i can’t remember.
What are you trying to do, and why?
I seem to recall something about a crusade against the simplistic and crude musings which twenty posts on his own blog, but now you’re just calling people names. Is there a grand scheme?
No, you really are tedious. Seriously dull.
I’m clearly not tedious as I have you all so upset and rallying to the defence of your poor defenceless Twenty.
Not at all – we just like cretin-bashing.
Sorry – “simplistic and crude” should have been in quotes, as it is here.
Fair point, RandomNoise. Fair point. I’ve lost sight of what I was doing here… undermining Twenty at every possible turn for my own nefarious pleasure. :)
You failed. We still like reading and posting here and think you are just a gimp.
Is there an end-date to this, ahem, crusade?
There is nothing in what I’ve posted so far to suggest that I’m a cretin. In fact, my John Gormley post yesterday was pretty flippin’ hilarious, if I may say so myself.
You may not.
I’ve lost sight of what I was doing here… undermining Twenty at every possible turn for my own nefarious pleasure.
You really should get a fucking life.
You go Brian.
I love the beach. I might go today if the mood takes me. If you can find a quiet spot there’s something nice about nude bathing, IMHO.
There is nothing in what I’ve posted so far to suggest that I’m a cretin.
You think not ?
Sounds ideal, Fred. Found out lately there’s a nudist beach down my way. Though I think it’s easy enough to get a nudie swim in without having to join a club or something. Enjoy.
No thanks to you and your round the world poo tour of 2004.
2008 and those 2004 poos are still active ? What a mean, lean poo-machine!
Just to let everyone know (as I’m sure you’re all interested) things are back to normal today. My arse is a bit scaldy alright, but thats to expected after 5 shits in the one day. 5 fucking shits! Why do I drink bulmers?
SuperGrover -
Yeah it is easy. There are plenty of quiet spots about. A few years ago I was in Thailand and having a naked swim in a rock pool in a place I thought was quiet. The next thing some people arrived. I just had to keep threading water until they left, which seemed like an eternity!
Peadar -
Good to know buddy.
Here’s the cure. Sit legs akimbo in a bath, pouring salt into the water between your legs. Wave the water about near the hoop zone. Exit bath. Dry gingerly. Apply Savlon. Cured.
Five Brians in a day ? Were you near one of those beaches by any chance ?
Germolene after a liberal application of neat TCP will bring a smile to your face Peadar.
That is the cure for a stingy hoop, by the way, not for Thai onlookers.
Supergrover –
Is that Savlon cream? And how long would you recommend staying in the bath?
I had a Madras the other day and it really burnt the dirt-box door down.
That is the cure for a stingy hoop, by the way, not for Thai onlookers
Heh!
Germolene after a liberal application of neat TCP will bring a smile to your face Peadar.
Are you taking the piss?
I went swimming in Wicklow on Mondy. It was so cold I couldn’t breathe when I came up from ducking under for the first time. Fun though.
I haven’t been in the sea in Ireland in years and I won’t be either. Fucking freezing. I haven’t the biggest mickey in the world, but what I have got disappears altogether in the freezing irish waters.
And it takes a while to coax him back down again
Are you taking the piss?
No – the TCP will cauterise and the germolene protect and soothe.
Even 10 mins in the bath is a winner. You only need enough water to cover the affected area, not the whole rubber duckie and candles dealie. In extreme cases manufacture a wad of jacks roll, tampon style, apply Savlon to one side and place between the cheeks. This provides both a soothing balm all day and theall-important cheek sepearation to reduce chafing.
I’d say it’d be hard to get that tissue off later. But I guess it is only for extreme cases.
“but what I have got disappears altogether in the freezing irish waters.”
AKA strawberry in a swallow’s nest
Fred, a good thick wadding of 3-ply can take the strain
Maggot – There is no way TCP is going anywhere near my ring.
SuperGrover, noted.
Fred – the advice was for Peadar – as a consultant arseologist I have seen the damage 5 Bulmer-induced Brians can do. Not a pretty sight.
I with Bill Hicks when he said about the beach..
“a place where dirt meets water”
I like going to the shore, listening to the sea, but sand, you can keep it, in fact take it away, grainy bastard
“how long before someone quotes bill hicks, dirt meets water, etc?”
took 64 posts but we got there.
Maggot, so Peadar’s ring is different from those of others?
Maggot, do you pronounce the E in arseologist, thereby adding a sylllable?
Like in archaeologist?
Maggot – There is no way TCP is going anywhere near my ring.
No nor mind either. SG’s suggestion sounds better.
Fred, on a previous post somebody (MB i think) asked about free computers and internet. What was your answer?
bollocks
I don’t usually unless I’m speaking to a Frenchman SuperGrover.
Fred – I need more info as to the state of your perineum before I could possibly advise you. There are some basics though – for chapped ring, hacks or chilblains ( rare) in that general area, germolene is excellent if a bit greasy. For dry itch Nivea cream and for sweat rot Jeyes Fluid followed by Lynx no 2.
And what are SG’s qualificatons ? The things I’ve seen where people have taken advice from well-meaning amateurs.
I am qualified as a well-meaning amateur
Peadar –
Computer is discarded, connection is a neighbor’s wireless.
Maggot –
for sweat rot Jeyes Fluid followed by Lynx no 2
My hoop is burnt from the passing of the Madras. But I think I’ll stick with SG’s advice.
I have a city and guilds.
I like going to the shore, listening to the sea, but sand, you can keep it, in fact take it away, grainy bastard
Couldn’t agree more. Is there any beach where there is grass right up to the water instead of sand?
Probably not but wouldn’t it be deadly?
There’s nothing worse than sand under your foreskin
consultant arseologist – heh, cool
I couldn’t disagree more. Go sand.
Also I love diving into a breaking wave, the only instant hangover cure I’m aware of.
Computer is discarded, connection is a neighbor’s wireless.
Cool, does the neighbour know?
I’m doing a ring-tuck on a celebrity this afternoon Peadar. He was warned about Barrymore’s paties, but would he listen ?
You a qualified coroner too, Maggot?
Sand sucks. Boo hoo. Down with sand
Cool, does the neighbour know?
Yeah he knows, it’s fine with him, he’s not losing anything.
Ok, friends and comrades…
After all this chat I’m off to the beach, well the 40 Foot at least. This is actually the nicest day we’ve had so I’ll bid you all farewell.
mind the sand, be careful
Peadar, never got the shits drinking bulmers u should try drinking guinness.
I once went on holidays and didn’t take a shit for just under a week – true story
Computer is discarded, connection is a neighbor’s wireless.
heh, as if.
Actually no come back, ya fucking smelly layabout waster. Clean yourself up and get a job ya cunt
You a qualified coroner too, Maggot?
I moonlight as a male model – you have probably seen me on TV.
what programme?
heh, as if.
Whatever, Major. Later slaves!!!
Too numerous to mention – my favourite was “Bronze Adonis”
That was you? Jaysus.
Was that also you in “Dreamy Fellas”, maggot?
Actually no come back, ya fucking smelly layabout waster. Clean yourself up and get a job ya cunt
Your Ma.
What?
I am especially handsome RandomNoise.
Fred is getting the hang of this lark nicely.
When your arse is full and you have to run and your tampax has come un jammed. When your sac is black from Guinness tarmac – The shower hose is your only man.
A wire brush and Dwttol is good for a scaldy hole too
Fuck.. Dettol
I’d bet that Brian is in sixth year in school, and is captain of the debating team, and is the velly cleverist in the whole wide classroom, and his spots are nearly gone, and he has nearly finished GRand theft auto four, and he hopes some day to get laid with the blonde bird out of Stargate….
Am i hitting anything here??
I’m thinking Brian may be Bald Devil himself, but without the love for us all.
Just had a look at your blog there Sam – you’re almost as talented and witty as Twenty. Here’s a summery for anyone who missed it:
Sam went to a shop, didn’t like the jeans so he left.
Fuck me, how on earth is this latter-day Candide still single?
No nowhere near as talented as twenty…
and, by he way, thanks for reading. Any Comments are welcome.
And i see you are not sixth year, but first year philosophy..
Sorry Sam, that was a bit nasty on my part. For the record, I’m not in school (I’d hardly be online all day if I was), I have no interest in science fiction or computer games, don’t have acne and have an (I think) very attractive girlfriend. Otherwise, spot on.
Sorry Sam, that was a bit nasty on my part
Twat. If you’re going to be a cunt at least be consistent.
you really give away a lot about yourself there Brian.
I’m not Kevin Costner, I’m someone else who may or may not be wearing a hat.
the country I live in has mountains.
“And i see you are not sixth year, but first year philosophy..”
You just googled Candide, didn’t you? No, I’m not a student. But I’m glad if I’m expanding your horizons.
One further clue Morgor – I have hair on my head.
“Twat. If you’re going to be a cunt at least be consistent.”
I don’t have to be consistent, Twenty. I’m a real person, not some semi-literate hack playing at being Victor Meldrew on the internet.
Ah, is that what the difference is? Ok. Consider me put in my place.
Brian, the only thing your numerous pissy comments are succeeding in doing is showing you up as a stuffy, self-righteous, attention-seeking little knobjockey with some kind of grudge.
Did Twenty give you wedgies in primary school or something?
Did Twenty give you wedgies in primary school or something?
No, he stole his last rolo. And Brian was going to give it to him anyway caused he loved him. But twenty just went and stole it. The cunt
I heard he stole it, licked it and then put it in the bin. He didn’t want the rolo. He just didn’t want brian to have it.
What a fucking cunt
You Irish are strange people — you complain about the continuous rain and when it does stop for an hour or two you go into the water, cold water at that, only to get your balls shrunk up into your bellies.
Loco Lobo -
Most people don’t. They just go to Stephen’s Green at lunchtime with a bottle of cooking oil and burn the skin off themselves. Funny to watch, although somewhat disturbing.
But you’re right, Irish are strange people. A lot of the women here are orange these days.
Orange and fat.
racists cunts. People of all skin colour are equal. Even the orange people
yeah I did google, that candide thing, thats how i find everything out nowadays.. Most intellectual reading I tried was ulysses, but i just dont have the bowel movements to finish. Heard of Voltaire. Dont need my horizons expanding, though thanks very much. The badly written, silly little “brainflash” of a post to which you referred was actually quite personal. But was disguised as a silly little brainflash of a post.
Over and out.
Ah Sam, now I feel really bad. I didn’t mean to have a go at you, you seem like a nice guy, I was just following the internationally recognised precept of “jack me and I’ll jack you back”. You did start it, after all.
Peadar and Giver O’Shite – note that you both jacked me and I didn’t even bother my arse jacking you back. That’s how far down the food chain you both are. If you were dogs I’d pat you both on the head and say “Who’s a good boy then?”
Zzzzzz
Zzzz… says Twenty. The implication being that I’m boring him. Fair point. But it might be more convincing if I hadn’t just posted at 11pm, after a nine hour break, and Twenty’s response hadn’t come just sixty seconds later. Sounds like you’re run off your feet there alright, mate.
Notice also, casual reader, that I’ve made loads and loads of serious points and all this muppet ever picks me up on is the irrelevant fluff.
http://twentymajor.net/2008/05/02/its-a-fairly-simple-question/#comments
http://twentymajor.net/2008/05/06/carbon-footprints/#comments
How do any of you rate this guy? Its like Stockholm Syndrome or someting…
P.S. Tenner bets Twenty ignores the gist of what I said just there and picks me up on the fact that I spelt the word “something” wrong in the last sentence. Apologies, I’ve been out boozing in the sunshine all afternoon and evening.
Is there an acceptable time limit for when I can imply that you’re boring the tits off me?
that I’ve made loads and loads of serious points
Would you like a gold star too?
There is a time limit on how long you can sit waiting to pounce on my next post and then pretend you’ve been bored the whole time. I don’t want a gold star, I think you deserve a gold watch and thanks for services rendered… Upon reciept of which, you should be taken around behind the shed and swiftly put out of our misery.
If you’re miserable then feel free to fuck off somewhere else. Nobody’s forcing you to come here and act the cunt.
Ha ha… you’re beaten. The outspoken Twenty Major, never afraid to call a cunt a cunt, is reduced to just begging me to go away and stop being unkind to him. I swear to God, I almost feel sorry for wiping the floor with you. But then I go back and read that Wexford bit again and my conscience is appeased.
I like the way you’re obviously reading something completely different to what I actually wrote.
I love our beaches, I swim in the 40ft regularly (as in this very evening), I go wind surfing and just plain old regular surfing. I love the sea, the first page of Moby Dick details my sentiments exactly, there is no place, no escapism quite like it. I do wish people would stop polluting it though and if those four beaches getting the thumbs down forces the government to take steps to clean them up, well then so be it. I also wish they would let me bring my dog into the 40ft, I mean they let that ugly cunt of a life guard in there this evening.
Also, Wind Surfing in Grand Canal basin should also be prohibited. I mean that is just filthy.
What’s different? That you said “fuck off” instead of “please go away”? There’s no fucking difference online. In real life maybe, but not on the internet.
Machismo means nothing online. PeeWee Herman could tell me to fuck off online if he wanted. I couldn’t hit him a slap and he couldn’t hit me a slap.
A robust response would have been to defend yourself and what you do here in any way shape or form at some point in any of these threads in which we’ve tangled. But you haven’t had the confidence in yourself to do so. For someone who makes a living out of calling people he doesn’t know cunts, that’s pretty pitiful.
I don’t have to defend myself to anyone, least of all somebody like you who is just here to try and pick an argument.
You’re an infant.
You use the word ‘cunt’ as a substitute for insight, analysis or humour. Global warming? Global warming is a CUNT. Current affairs? Current affairs is a CUNT. The ups and downs of modern life? Modern life is a CUNT.
But I’m the infant.
Then someone comes on here and has a go at you and you go all Victorian damsel-in-distress on us…
For the first time in your life, you’re hilarious!
Hoist by your own petard, Twenty.
P.S. To Sam – google it.
Twenty?
(Twenty?)
(Twenty?)
Echo?
(Echo?)
(Echo?)
My thoughts, Twenty, on the whole staying-silent, remaining-above-the-fray tactic, are that it works best if you use it consistently from the outset.
If, however, you weight in for a while and then turn and run for the hills when the tide turns and you’re starting to look like an idiot, then you risk losing face. Not to these idiots of course, but to the wider community.
P.S. For anyone wondering why I’m being such an insufferable, vindictive cunt please read here.
http://twentymajor.net/2008/04/28/stop-killing-kids/
All you ever need to know.
Hi maggot and Random noise. I’m still reading. Maggot, you have an amaaaazing store of er helpful information.
I see the dweeb is back. Hello Brian, you are so far away from making a difference on this blog. I think Monkey Balls should hook up with you over a beer. After all, he met bald devil and he gave up the roast. You can do it monkey balls. Help out Twenty and the Posters. The dweeb is just being a pest now and we all know that pests should be swatted down.
Sam, I read your blog and I thought your trip to the store was was funny. Why you may ask..because I hate shopping and all it takes is one snippy sales person and I am gone. I posted a comment, but not near as funny as your stuff.
Have a nice day everybody.
Ahh, how sweet. Everyone is now rubbing everyone else’s back, and saying how nice everyone is, and how well everyone looks in that nice dress that’s clearly two sizes too small, and how everyone’s ass doesn’t look small in that dress. A blog that presents itself as Dennis Hopper but is actually Daniel O’Donnell. HA!
ref #137
I did google it, but I dont understand what petard you claim Twenty was using..
But I only like to intellectualize vicariously… by reading people like Clive James and Wilf Self, I let them do the reading, and I get to enjoy the fun bits..
is it too late for Brians mother to have some sort of post natal abortion to get rid of this annoying little fucker?
Brian, you are curiously reminiscent of the old Viz character Mr Logic.
More like Roger Irrelevant.
Or Mr Mong. Was that Viz?
Brian,
Could I have your blog address?? Please????? I’d like to read what you think a “good blog” should be about. It seems to me, if you are going to come here and talk the talk..you should walk the walk. Whatta’ ya say?? Show us the way to meaningful dialog. Quite frankly, the crap you’ve written here so far hasn’t shown much. My four year old granddaughter can have better tantrums then you’ve shown us. Can I have your address…pretty please?????
You love me. You people secretly love me.
I think you’ll find most of us think you’re an attention-seeking cretin.
Dictionary.com defines ‘cretin’ as: a stupid, obtuse, or mentally defective person.
Not your strongest line of attack lads.
Peadar and Giver O’Shite – note that you both jacked me and I didn’t even bother my arse jacking you back. That’s how far down the food chain you both are. If you were dogs I’d pat you both on the head and say “Who’s a good boy then?”
Don’t be at me Brian, please leave me alone. It was twenty who took your sweets, not me. I give up, you’ve wiped the floor with me
“Dictionary.com defines ‘cretin’ as: a stupid, obtuse, or mentally defective person.
Not your strongest line of attack lads.”
Still had to look it up though, didn’t ya
No I knew what the word mean, and alluded to the fact that a couple of you seemed to misunderstand it in a previous post (see #42). When the misunderstanding persisted I relented just posted the definition.
Shrup
Oh my god, I”m sorry
I missed the fun today – I take back what I said about Brian not being a serial killer, he certainly seems to be decompensating.