There are none so…
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on April 30th, 2008
“Dave, what the fuck is that on your head?”, I asked as he came stumbling in through the door of Ron’s.
“Quite obviously it’s a mask, Twenty”.
“I can see that but if you’re trying to be all Zorro on us here there’s a small flaw in your plan.”
“What’s that then?”
“Well, Zorro’s mask had holes for eyes so he could actually see out. Yours does not.”
“Good spot, Twenty. I bought this in the airport the last time I went jet-setting around the globe. It’s a sleep mask and it blocks out everything so you can sleep while people change their screaming babies and the plane flies through the sunshine because, as you know, once you go above the clouds there is only daytime.”
“Jesus. Ok, so why are you wearing it now?”
“I’m seeing what it’s like to be blind.”
“Blind?”
“Yeah. I was watching that Al Pacino film the other day, what’s it called?”
“Serpico?”
“No. The one where he’s blind and he’s got a really good nose …erm… The Smell of Minge!”
“You mean ‘Scent of a woman’?”
“Yeah, whatever. Anyway, he’s all blind and he goes around sniffing stuff and dancing and everyone loves him so I thought I’d give it a try and see what I could get away with.”
“So did you scent any women yet?”
“Sadly not. I thought I was following a most fragrant lady but it turned out to be some gay fella who used lots of ladies creams and rose water or whatever. Then I nearly got hit by a 65A on George’s Street.”
“How do you know it was a 65A?”
“Because when the person on the pavement said ‘You nearly got hit by a bus’ I asked him what number it was. Duh.”
“So you came all the way from town to here without looking and with no white stick to tap your way along?”
“I did have a white stick except it wasn’t white or a stick. It was a broom handle. Did the job though.”
“What happened to it?”
“I lost it in a Chinese casino on Camden Street.”
“You went gambling while blind? What game did you play?”
“Blackjack?”
“And did they have braille cards?”
“Don’t be silly.”
“Then how do you know what you were being dealt?”
“Old Ming the Dealer told me.”
“And you trusted him?”
“Of course. Nobody would cheat a blind man.”
“Oh man”.
“Anyway, I must get a drink. Ron, pint please. Twenty, here’s my wallet, pay Ron please”.
“No problem.”
“So anyway, another thing that happened was I went for a kebab on Clanbrassil Street and you know when you’ve lost the gift of sight your other senses really do kick in. I could taste the ground up alley-cat in the meat and everything. The lettuce and delicious kebab sauce was just mouth wateringly good. And the bread, the usually flat, stale, tasteless bread was anything but. Have you paid him yet? Twenty? Twenty?….”
Don;t be fooled by the blind, they’d rob your shoes in a split second…if they could fucking see, the disabled cunts.
April 30th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Is it rude to stare at a blind person?
April 30th, 2008 at 9:42 am
1
Only if his fly is open.
April 30th, 2008 at 9:47 am
2
There’s nothing more honest than a blind man wanking in a greenhouse….
April 30th, 2008 at 9:56 am
3
Most of them aren’t really blind, they’re just waiting for us to let our guards down and then they’ll steal our jobs and our women. Also, they hate our freedom.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:10 am
4
Twenty, at least you won’t have to ask him what he’s doing with earplugs in next week.
I SAID AT LEAST YOU WON’T HAVE TO ASK…
Oh, never mind.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:11 am
5
I saw a blind lady giving out to her guide dog once. It made me laugh. I wondered what the dog had done, chased a car perhaps?
April 30th, 2008 at 10:13 am
6
pants man has reminded me of the old Bily Connolly joke about the blind man at the supermarket, swinging his dog above his head on a leash, saying “It’s ok, I’m just looking around”
April 30th, 2008 at 10:15 am
7
You cunt, Pantsman, what did you have to go and do that for?
April 30th, 2008 at 10:19 am
8
There is a cracking news story about the guide dog that has got through three owners, he has literally led three people to their death before being retired. It kind of proves that dogs are clever, what with reducing the burden on the tax payer by bumping off disabled folks.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:21 am
9
there was some sort of deaf charity working packing bags in tescos the other week.
my girlfriend asked the girl what charity she worked for (missing the sign saying so) but obviously she didn’t hear.
So I said, “don’t bother , she’s deaf”.
Is that rude?
Is it bad to refer to deaf people as deafos?
April 30th, 2008 at 10:22 am
10
It’s part of a cunning plan of mine.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:23 am
11
Deafos is a little derogatory. They prefer ‘The Deaftables’, ‘D-Unit’ or ‘The Deafinheims’ as a collective term.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:44 am
12
It’s only bad once you start ahouting “deafo” at them as they pass by. Otherwise you’re golden.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:53 am
13
And, yeah, sure - I meant “ahouting”.
You telling me you’ve never heard of ahouting?
April 30th, 2008 at 10:54 am
14
But how would they tell the difference if you were shouting or not? It would be better if you could sign “Deafo” or just hold a placard up in capital letters.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:56 am
15
Just give the cunts the fingers, they’ll understand that
April 30th, 2008 at 11:00 am
16
Bono is actually deaf - that’s the only way he’s able to listen to himself and not realise he’s a tuneless talentless fucktart.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:00 am
17
“Just give the cunts the fingers, they’ll understand that”
Another fucking keyboard ruined by tea, this fucking blog is costing my firm a fortune.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:02 am
18
That didn’t make a lot of sense, did it? Sorry, but since they closed Sachs Hotel I’ve had to resort to plying bright young RTE hopefuls with rohypnol in order to have my wicked way.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:05 am
19
Anne, I know it’s hard but for Christ sake can you not wait till at least lunchtime for your first dose of Xanax. You’re an incoherent mess.
(I’d still do you)
April 30th, 2008 at 11:07 am
20
A tuneless talentless fucktart who’s also rich as croeses and does whatever the fuck he pleases..
What a world
April 30th, 2008 at 11:15 am
21
BTW one of Boner’s lyrical high points was:
“No, No one is blinder
Than he
Who will not see”
Plato, Ghandhi & Buddha have nothing on him
April 30th, 2008 at 11:19 am
22
It’s worth remembering here that Bono is also the name of a very well known brand of Dog food.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:21 am
23
Hey guys
Chillax and leave me alone
I am only 3 foot 9 and my feckin’ hair is fallin’ out..
April 30th, 2008 at 11:28 am
24
My initial post was going to start “So what’s so annoying about Bono?”
That was about an hour ago and I am still coming up with things that annoy me…
Cunt
April 30th, 2008 at 11:29 am
25
I saw an old man with Bono’s glasses on in Woodies at the weekend. When I loudly said “hello Hello it’s Bono’s dad” I got a dig in the ribs from my girlfriend which hurt like a fucker, so thanks Bono for having stupid glasses.
I hate Bono the self righteous fucker. You could also add Chris martin and Macca on that list as well.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:33 am
26
You’re all so intolerant.
I’d say Bono’s really bothered by your mewling hated of him.
I’d say he’s sitting in his mansion crying about it right now.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:34 am
27
Shut your fucking mouth Jo, you total whore.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:35 am
28
Oh and The Edge is a cock as well, although he will throw his toys out of the pram if they don’t get planning permission for their development.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:36 am
29
I’ve a story though - it’s second hand, but still.
Some guy was out with a girl for the first time in the Queen’s head in Dalkey. He was in the gents and met Bono. He told him he wanted to impress the girl and asked Bono if he’d come over to the bar and say hi, as if he knew him.
Bono did as asked, and when he said hi, your man went ‘For fuck’s sake, Bono, fuck off, I’m with someone here’ and turned to the girl and said, ‘Jesus, I just can’t get him to leave me alone!’.
Bono laughed, to his credit.
He may be an egomaniac, but I’ve yet to see any evidence that he’s not a nice guy.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:38 am
30
Ooo, handbags, Johnny5.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:39 am
31
Dont you dare turn this into a shopping thread, Jo. And for Christ sake stop defending Bono. I could give a fuck if he’s a nice guy or not, he’s a whiney, annoying little self indulgent, cunt. FACT
April 30th, 2008 at 11:41 am
32
Ah stop, you love him really.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:42 am
33
I COULDN’T give a fuck, Johnny5. COULDN’T!
April 30th, 2008 at 11:44 am
34
I can’t stand ppl who call bono the b-man as if it having one stupid name wasn’t enough. do you really think the other band members called Edge Edge?? Two of the most stupid nicknames I ever heard. How come the other two don’t have nicknames, maybe we could come up with some here?
April 30th, 2008 at 11:46 am
35
In fairness I’ve nothing against bono, or the rest of the righteous brigade.
At least they’re paying attention to something other than themselves.
It’s the religous cunts that piss me off, Madonna with her stupid Jew cult. Fuck you Madonna, you old muscular man.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:46 am
36
Careful morgor, she might surf the airways to you and take over your territory with her bony fist.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:48 am
37
Jo - so far you have defended Bono, Phil Collins and Damien Rice. I suspect you are very, very mentally ill.
Have you thought about having some treatment before you kill your entire family and set your house on fire?
April 30th, 2008 at 11:51 am
38
About what, Crock? The HIV that is destroying your immune system?
April 30th, 2008 at 11:51 am
39
made me snort when i heard the radio advert “new album from Madonna, the most eagerly anticipated album of the year”.
MY ARSE.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:52 am
40
sounds like you had a good flight back from Thailand twenty :)
April 30th, 2008 at 11:54 am
41
Well I wouldn’t say I’m a fan of Phil Collins musically. But he’s never done anything to me :)
And I wasn’t very impressed with Damien Rice’s second album.
I can’t help it, all the mad ranting makes me feel an urge to be, I can’t think of the word. Obnoxious, perhaps ;)
But mad? Not mad. No, never. Mwahahahahahaha….
So this treatment Twenty, what aversion therapy music would you be playing me while holding my eyelids open Clockwork Orange style and reinforming my musical taste and sympathy for light entertainers?
April 30th, 2008 at 11:57 am
42
No, a solid thrashing is all it takes.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:58 am
43
Fenyman - I’ve never been. Johnny5 has though. And he has the scars on his ringpiece to prove it.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:59 am
44
He also speaks funny.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
45
I have been to Thailand as it goes but the scars on my ringpiece were nothing to do with that trip.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
46
Bono is a smug, self-satisfied, preachy prick who like to lecture us all about poverty while at the same time moving his company out of Ireland for tax reasons (seemingly Irish schools and hospitals aren’t good enough for Bono). I’m fucked if I’m going to take a lecture on the third world from a tax cheat. Prick off and write a cheque out of that €400-odd million or at least pay tax on it like everyone else. And if you really want to help africa, why not have a charity auction where the winner gets to punch you in the gob repeatedly? There’d be no shortage of punters, I’ll tell you that much.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
47
I’m so hot for you right now, Anne.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
48
Tough shit, Johnny5, yourself and Bono are the only people on the planet I wouldn’t go to bed with.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
49
Anne, give me a call, and quick….
April 30th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
50
You don’t have a say in the matter you soon-to-be-raped geelord.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
51
Anne, why do you have that weird line around your neck? Were you beheaded and then glued back together?
April 30th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
52
And, for some weeeird reason, I still would.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
53
Is a ‘deafo’ not some bird from whom you will deafo get your hole?
April 30th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
54
I once worked at a drapers doing deliveries. I knocked on a door once shouting, ‘Its the blind man’ and this gorgeous blonde answered the door with nothing on thinking I couldn’t see.
Then I woke up ….. alas,
April 30th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
55
“I see…” said the blind man “…a hole in the wall”. “You can’t…” said the dumb man “…you can’t see at all”.
April 30th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
56
Great stuff.
A bit narrow minded,
but not bad.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
57
“I see…” said the blind man “…a hole in the wall”. “You can’t…” said the dumb man “…you can’t see at all”.
Yeaaaaaah, Thanks for that Shane.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
58
Darragh, who are you calling narrow-minded? ya cunt.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
59
Bono
Geldof
Damien Rice
Brian Kennedy
Dana
Christ, - we really shouldn’t sneer at Yanks.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
60
Tough shit, Johnny5, yourself and Bono are the only people on the planet I wouldn’t go to bed with.
Can I have your phone number Anne ?
April 30th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
61
Leave Dana out of this
April 30th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
62
Jesus, it’s a triangular hall death match here today, with murderous guide-dogs on one side, bono haters on another and the anti-deaf brigade on the other.
Last one out clean the blood off the walls, there’s a ceili on later….
April 30th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
63
The first time I had a massage in a spa it was from a blind guy.
It was like a full body orgasm.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
64
Ah Medbh, how did you fall for that?
April 30th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
65
But maggot:
A friend of mine was showing some visiting American business people around the city. They stopped to cross O Connell st and when the pedestian crossing started bipping one asked what it was. My friend said ‘It’s for blind people.’
He shouted ‘Oh My God! Where I come from, we don’t let them drive!’
Madonna said ‘even stupid British people are more intelligent than Americans’.
I told my (American) mother that, and she said ‘You don’t understand how stupid Americans can be.’
Once a girl came up to her in a diner and asked why she was reading. Not what she was reading, why…
April 30th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
66
Oo, Medbh, I’m intrigued.
Tinman, I assume it wasn’t just an opportunistic random punter, it was a spa employee masseur.
Right?
April 30th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
67
Stupidity is one thing Jo, but the yanks would at least have drowned the likes of Bono in a bucket at birth.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
68
Pants Man is the superhero name we gave my little brother when he switched to his superhero alterego by putting a pair of dirty pants on his head… we told him he’d get superpowers from it.
and it’s not rude to stare at a blind person but it probably is rude to wave at them.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
69
How the hell did an ugly cunt like David Blunkett get a mistress ?
April 30th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
70
Same way David Mellor, Sven Goran Ericcsson & Charlie Haughey did, maggot - some girls get turned on my power.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
71
That should, of course, say “by power”, - at the moment it makes me look like a hypnotist using my powers for evil.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
72
Which would be the worst thing I’ve done since I got a job in a spa by pretending to be a blind masseur.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
73
heh, like the hypnotist from Little Britain
April 30th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
74
ha!
Still, it sounds like Medbh got more out of it than you did.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
75
He was employed at the spa and had been blind since birth. I was wary of having a man do it but I swear it was the best massage I ever had.
I was jelly at the end.
And no, there was no “happy ending” involved.
April 30th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
76
Are people passing off Bill hicks material as their own anecdotes? Not mentioning any names… jo #67
April 30th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
77
here’s the link
Bill hicks
April 30th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
78
Jesus, I really know how to kill a conversation…
April 30th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
79
would imagine thats quite a common occurence sam.and not just in american.in this fine country of ours i was sharing a house with a couple of guys.one saw me reading and said “what are ya reading for.thats what they invented films for”.and same house different guy said “what do you have a dictionary for?”
April 30th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
80
Ah, Sam, I was worried I’d get confused. I remembered the Bill Hicks story and my mother’s story - one was ‘Why’re you reading’ an the other was ‘Whatcha readin’ forrrr?’ in a really Southern accent, and I guessed that was Bill’s. Oh, ok, I was right.
Same experience, but it was hers too!
April 30th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
81
just being a pedantic pain in the ass jo,
the rest usually just ignore me,
and I’m on funny pain medication at the moment so my usual odd thought processes are further confounded…
And Lazlo, you are right.
Im a big fan of Bill since about 1997 (3 years after his death)
I know a lot of his material.
Every comedian lifts something from him at some stage.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
82
I bought my Dictionary on Amazon. It looked smaller on the screen….
(worked out 10 euro cheaper than Eason including 10 euro postage - it was big!)
April 30th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
83
sam,sam,sam.
try folio society.once you live like fred the freegan,everything is free.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
84
admittedly i’ve only done it once cos you can’t live like a traveller for ever,but i did get a nice set of hardback greek myth books.
just like my grandads’ synopsis of whiskey.
one just right.
two too many.
three not half enough.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
85