I’d rather not
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on April 29th, 2008
And he walked to the large pond where the young lady sat waiting. He watched her for a while, her golden hair glistening like a snail’s trail on a damp pavement.
Plucking up the courage to speak, for what he had to say was difficult and required great thought, he thought back to the times it had gone wrong. When his words, his utterances, had turned a potentially great situation into something terrible and irreparable.
She was aware of his presence, he knew that. His pig like snorting as he breathed always gave him away. Yet she did not turn around, content to stare at the insects hovering over the water and the occasional fish’s nose breaking the surface.
The clouds moved slowly, briefly covering the sun and casting a shadow across the earth like a cumulo-nimbus shaped moth fluttering around a bedside lamp, but with less fur. And he stood there, still trying to find the words, and she sat there waiting for him to say them.
Time went by. The sun reappeared, the clouds swatted away by the rolled up newspaper of the wind. He coughed, hoping she would turn around but knowing she would not. She was no kind of owl or meercat. He licked his lips, dry as they were, coughed again and began.
“I ..erm … uhm … that is to say …”
“Yes?”, she prompted after his silence had become as awkward as meeting someone who you know can’t stand you but who pretends to be social because the situation demands it.
“Would you … I mean … what it is, is that … erm…”
He stopped. He knew he could never say it. That however carefully he worded it his simple manner, his ability to put his foot in his mouth (literally as well as figuratively) would spoil it and he decided. He preferred to live with the possibility than deal with the reality.
He turned and walked away.
She sighed with relief, put her dwarf on its lead and slowly strolled home.
the occasional fish’s nose breaking the surface???
Fish have nose’s now, do they?
I think you’ll find the word you were looking for is “beak”
April 29th, 2008 at 9:33 am
eh?
April 29th, 2008 at 9:33 am
1
I know that girl… she’s a slapper
April 29th, 2008 at 9:34 am
2
Yeah SG, but that’s no way to talk about your sister!
April 29th, 2008 at 9:37 am
3
It’s OK, she’ll never know. She can’t read.
April 29th, 2008 at 9:47 am
4
I am heartily sick of the anti-dwarf bias that is so prevalent in today’s media.
This is yet another example, along with Jackass and newsagents who put the good porn on the top shelf.
Dwarves may be the last to know when it’s raining, but they are the first to know when it’s flooded, you shower of cunts.
Signed
Sleepy
April 29th, 2008 at 9:56 am
5
fuck off
signed
grumpy
April 29th, 2008 at 10:04 am
6
“His pig like snorting as he breathed always gave him away. Yet she did not turn around”
Is he a copper - She’s right to ignore the thick culchie cunt - A.C.A.B
April 29th, 2008 at 10:08 am
7
The only good dwarf is a dead dwarf or possibly one that’s in the circus.
April 29th, 2008 at 10:14 am
8
Dwarves are extremely useful, and I think there should be a place where you can buy/rent one..Dwarves R Us or Dwarf World.
When I lived in Brighton there was a Dwarf bouncer in one of the nightclubs… I shit you not.
April 29th, 2008 at 10:17 am
9
What’s the difference between a midget and a dwarf?
A midget is a normally proportioned person with small stature, wheras a dwarf is slightly magical.
April 29th, 2008 at 10:17 am
10
Ok granted, he must have been a midget because he was not magical, didn’t have a big white beard and he most certaintly didn’t whistle while he worked.
April 29th, 2008 at 10:23 am
11
A friend once opined that it would be handy to have a dwarf in bed - just the right height (and she made that holding the back of someone’s head gesture in front of her crotch).
I thought I’d share that with you this morning.
I wish I knew what to make of Twenty’s fairytale.
April 29th, 2008 at 10:27 am
12
Dwarves are extremely useful,
Are they? What for?
What the fuck was that twenty?
April 29th, 2008 at 10:41 am
13
I think that all dwarves should disown this consumer society and live outside the capitalist cesspit.
and it shall be called
undertwofootthreeganism
April 29th, 2008 at 10:46 am
14
twenty, what the feck is going thru your head today
April 29th, 2008 at 10:48 am
15
O.K. You’re the park ranger and you see a fine bit letting her dwarf run around - off the leash.
What would you do?
What if you couldn’t?
Try, as you’ve done so many times before. But always the distain..
Fuck her. Let her have the fun. Someone else can pick up after it.
Thanks.
April 29th, 2008 at 10:54 am
16
Romantic story, he’s been at the Absinthe again!
(Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder )
April 29th, 2008 at 11:04 am
17
Ha! God.
Personally, I think dwarves are great. I would love it if they lived in little people communities like the Nelwyns in Willow.
I saw a programme about dwarfism where a full sized couple had had a dwarf baby, and they were traumatised by it, and their marriage had nearly fallen apart, and the father had contemplated suicide and the mother had developed PND. And it made me so angry, because their little boy was GORGEOUS!
April 29th, 2008 at 11:06 am
18
Heh, how many times have you used that one, maggot? Is the reception usually good? ;)
April 29th, 2008 at 11:07 am
19
http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=o-MQH-9NrJ4
April 29th, 2008 at 11:08 am
20
The bruises go quickly Jo but the pain remains forever.
April 29th, 2008 at 11:09 am
21
That’s the wierdest primordial dwarf I’e seen. And I’ve actually watched more than one primordial dwarf documentary, would you believe! the first one was great, because the narrator kept saying ‘PRIMORDIAL DWARFISM’ like the guy who does American reailers, it was very funny. The condition’s pretty tragic though.
She’s not on a lead, she’s just leading the dog too, right?
April 29th, 2008 at 11:12 am
22
I’ve ever seen, I should have said. Typo-Queen Jo.
April 29th, 2008 at 11:13 am
23
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icr0eW1fRSs
for dwarves everywhere
April 29th, 2008 at 11:14 am
24
Nice one.
Here’s something more surreal:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfHlA3fmJG0
April 29th, 2008 at 11:21 am
25
fairytale? more like lord of the hoops
April 29th, 2008 at 11:22 am
26
Oh dear. Everyone’s been frightened away by Rammstein.
April 29th, 2008 at 11:37 am
27
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dU3H1Um4Ju4
this might bring them back
April 29th, 2008 at 11:39 am
28
Disappointing lack of dwarves though.
April 29th, 2008 at 11:54 am
29
Spinal Tap - not as funny as you think it is. Discuss.
April 29th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
30
Or don’t, etc…
April 29th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
31
SG, true it did not age particularly well.
But seen in the context of when it was released, it is a classic, and some of it is still hilarious
April 29th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
32
Definitely ahead of its time but some of it looks very old now. Mostly because it is very old.
April 29th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
33
I have to confess, I never watched it.
April 29th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
34
i watched it and wasn’t terribly impressed.
But then again you’re all a load of old fogeys.
April 29th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
35
Spinal Tap puts me to sleep everytime.
April 29th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
36
morgor the whippersnapper, surely.
April 29th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
37
I assume it’s all about small men having no luck with women unless they’re Bernie Ecclestone type men.
I was at the vet last night btw.
April 29th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
38
I was at the vet too. Dust in my mouse.
April 29th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
39
my dog had to have his nails clipped. the vet used a downer to put him out for 10 mins and an upper to wake him up.
pretty impressive. poor dog hadn’t a fucking clue what was going on - he’s 15 going on 3
April 29th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
40
That’s so much better! We had a nasty nail clipping experience with a pregnant German vet. Never again!
April 29th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
41
“nasty nail clipping experience with a pregnant German vet”…
… the basis for twenty’s next book right there
April 29th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
42
When you say “we” do you work for a manicurists who had occasion to clip nails on said vet and did she have some sort of fungal infection which was untreated because of her pregnant status. Or are you referring to a pet being being clipped?
April 29th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
43
and I have seen a DVD with a pregant German, although it was impossible to tell whether she was a vet or not, given the activities she was engaged in. No dwarves though.
April 29th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
44
Ew, pregnancy fetish? I find that one weird.
Nope, the pregnant vet was Germman, but she was clipping the nails of our (husband and self) dogs.
It was not a porny scenario, unless you’re more twisted than I can imagine :)
April 29th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
45
woof
April 29th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
46
Is this a sneak preview of the new buke, Twenty?
BTW, just finished The Order of the Phoenix Park, loved it and really want to know what happens next.
Is there a sequel?
And if there is, when will it be out?
April 29th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
47
It’ll be out next year, I think. Not really a sequel, a new story but it follows on from where the last one left off.
April 29th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
48
will there be dwarves in it?
April 29th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
49
It’s certainly possible. Maybe I should run some kind of poll on the site to choose a character for the next book.
A dwarf, a midget, a hobgoblin, a tomcruise, whatever.
April 29th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
50
So what’s the difference between a dwarf and a midget in this context? Oh, that’s right, a short person. I’d love if there was a real dwarf, like a bearded Tolkein dwarf, grumping around and searching for treasure, Drinking in the Long Stone, maybe, and hitting tourists with a hammer.
April 29th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
51
A cruising midget Tomgoblin?
May 1st, 2008 at 12:21 pm
52