A tragic loss
Many years ago Stinking Pete was caught in a love triangle. He was vying for the affections of a lady called Concepta McGinty along with a fellow called Mel who ran a mobile phone shop.
They would court her and each would try and convince her that he was the man of her dreams. Pete would try and woo her by taking her to his favourite places such as McGonagles, Bruxelles and to see his cousin he lived in the alley between Bachelor’s Walk and Abbey street. He had his own two-bedroomed cardboard box/shopping trolley condo there.
Concepta loved a bit of rough, so she did, but at the same time she was a lady and enjoyed her trips to the National Concert Hall, art galleries, museums and the finest dining establishments in the city. She would tell Stinking Pete about these trips and while he said nothing to her he raged with jealousy when we were in Ron’s drinking pints which didn’t cost as much as a suit from Louis Copeland.
He would call in to see his love rival in his mobile phone shop and tell him all the things he wished he and Concepta would do together in bed (she was a rather frigid lover but Pete found that her most endearing quality). Mel was a short-tempered sort and warned Pete that if he couldn’t have her nobody could. Pete farted in his shop and it took some hours to air the place out.
One night Pete took her to Burdocks right at closing time to get some scratchings and chips. It was the most romantic thing he could think of. He walked her home but as it was a midweek night and she had to be up early go to to work in Arnott’s there was to be no love making that night. He kissed her gently on the cheek and wished her pleasant dreams. So, you can imagine his horror when the police rolled up to Ron’s the next afternoon and arrested him for murder.
Work colleagues of Concepta were worried that she hadn’t turned up and contacted the Gardai who called to her house, found the front door slightly ajar and subsequently Concepta’s naked body lying on her bed. As Pete was last to be seen with her he was naturally under great suspicion. The evidence was all against him and it was looking bad. I contacted some of my police acquaintances and told them that while Stinking Pete was a miasmic half-wit he was no murderer, but nothing worked. Pete was kept in custody and we all expected the worst, having little faith in the justice system.
Imagine our surprise then when Pete walked into Ron’s and declared himself a free man. Obviously Pete was very emotional. The relief of being released was tempered with the sadness of losing his great love, Concepta. The Gardai had instead arrested and charged Mel, his great rival.
“Good to see you free, Pete”, I said, “but how come they released you and arrested Mel?”
“The forensic tests came back”, he said. “They found Siemens in her stomach”.
April 17th, 2008 at 9:34 am
….and the award for the most contrived punchline is…
April 17th, 2008 at 9:37 am
jesus twenty
April 17th, 2008 at 9:42 am
Another dry ride then?
April 17th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Pete’s fart wasn’t the only stinker there, Twenty.
;-)
April 17th, 2008 at 9:51 am
as Holmes would have said “Nooki, ah!”
April 17th, 2008 at 10:00 am
We are not worthy.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:06 am
Now, when these stories start, I just skip to the last line.
It’s saving hours a week.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:07 am
Jaysus twenty, On another note I’m after receiving a glossy booklet in the mail entitled “Preparing for MAJOR EMERGENCIES”
What the fucks that all about?
Is there something someones not telling us or are they in fact screaming something at us?
Might ring them up later for a laugh, I’ll be sure an let you know if nows a good time to emmigrate.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:10 am
I would have thought that Concepta in her post-death state would have been more appealing to Pete, once he had brushed the earth off that is.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:12 am
You’re just ruining it for yourself, JP’sTs.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:13 am
And Major emergencies, nothing to do with me.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:30 am
The only “Major” emergency would surely be Rons closing down, and I am sure you have a backup plan.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:36 am
I don’t think Pete knew her very well. She was pay as you go.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:40 am
ah..very weak..must be thursday..just to bring it to a totally different level..how can we get rid of pat kenny
April 17th, 2008 at 10:40 am
Love the way murderers in crappy who-dunnits always leave the door ajar… Why?
Bought Fucking Hot Press Yesterday to read that fucking nailerz thing.
It really is a shit magazine.
Their DVD review page included a thundercats boxset, Little house on the prairie series 3 and spongebob square pants. I fucking kid you not.
Thats it this time.
FUCKING NEVER AGAIN.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:45 am
And Twenty Major that is not a word play.. Its just Shit.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:48 am
At least I’m not the cunt who bought Hot Press.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:57 am
I would buy the Thundercats boxed set
April 17th, 2008 at 11:03 am
NOOOOOOOOOOOO! (There follows a tribute to the late, great Charlton Heston); “You really did it…damn you, Twentymajor, damn you to hell!!” Beats fist against sand and looks meaningfully at (closeshot – zoom out to long) the ruins of the blogosphere half buried in the sand).
April 17th, 2008 at 11:12 am
was the skin on her neck discoloured? – a sign of strangulation. or, wring tone.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:14 am
was there a muder note stuffed in her mouth, aka message minder?
April 17th, 2008 at 11:18 am
maybe there was a clue in her history of optical prescriptions?
contacts list
April 17th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Heh Heh – really liking the Wring Tone, SG
April 17th, 2008 at 11:19 am
i’ll stop now
April 17th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Dunno if it’s appropiate or not but Two necrophiliacs meet up and one asks ‘are you still seeing that girl’, to which the other replies “no, that rotten cunt split on me ages ago”.
Boom Boom……
April 17th, 2008 at 11:43 am
i cant keep focused on the blog at all, good thing most people dont seem to like it so.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:56 am
But I wanted to read the Nailerz thing…. and…
well i’m not proud of myself…
and they have this new fancy format,
and there was an interview with Larry Flynt…
And I listen to Joe Duffy every day, its all part of my Blood boiling regime…I enjoy pissing myself off…
April 17th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
if you like joe duffy check out joe finnegan on http://www.shannonside.ie/
April 17th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Would it have been better if it was an I Phone ?
April 17th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Why does that “sound like” another word for ejaculate??
April 17th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Perhaps her throat had been cut with a “Razr”
April 17th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I love your narrative work Twenty. I’m glad to see you have no shame.
I was expecting a disaster booklet post.
Ahem, SAm, any sign of a The Juice review in Hot Press? I heard there was one, but don’t know nayone who reads it!
April 17th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
hang on…
April 17th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Hot Press used to be a music mag years ago. Last time I read it (God help me) was maybe 2 years ago. There were 2 classified ads under Musicians Contact and about 100 in the various Personals.
That about sums it up for me. It’s shite.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Stinking Pete was a miasmic half-wit
If Pete can get layed; there’s still hope for me yet…
April 17th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
You might want to clear up your itching problem though…
April 17th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Hot Press needs more competition. They used to have good articles, the artwork was gorgeous, the guy hwo did the line drawings? And all their stuff about sex and society was really important to Ireland coming out of the dark ages back in the eighties. I liked Niall Stokes and what he had to say.
But it was always pretty middle aged, music wise, too much worshipping of Rory Gallaher and not much support for anything new. Not enough competition, I think.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Well presuming that “The Juice” are some sort of a musical outfit, and not some pornography publication/device, I cannot see them mentioned here anywhere. Unless it was on the back of Niall Stokes Editorial, which I always quickly rip out before I can be tempted to read…
April 17th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
SG, did you get the snow video post>
April 17th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Ah well.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Thanks for that, I’m glad I didn’t go buy it!
April 17th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
The letters page every week has a special place reserved for some bitch with a pierced lip and a hatred of her father to write in and tell us all we need to save the dolphins and, we definitely need more coverage of up and coming Irish Music .. Blah! Blah!
For about a year they were completely obsessed with one band (I cant even remember their name now) and they are now nobodies.. Oh yeah, the Revs..
April 17th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
There hasn’t been much new worth supporting since Rory Gallagher. Damien Rice ?
April 17th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
I did indeed, JTM. Thanks. Brought back some memories. Also, some, ahem, younger work colleagues were interested because they had never seen the likes. Good stuff.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I can’t agree with that maggot. I think there was some great music around before dance killed live stuff off for a while. And I think live bands are on the way back up again, there seem to be a lot around. I’ve seen a couple surprisingly good new ones recently.
And I like Damien Rice, though that conversation has happened already, fans oozing out of the woodwork! Oozing!
April 17th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I remember that day so well, SG. My sister came into wake me up, I asked if it was time to get up for school, and she flung open the curtain and said ‘No, you don’t have to go to school today, it’s snowed!’
Magic…
April 17th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Jo, when you say you “like” Damien Rice, does that mean you might not hunt him down for the sole purpose of killing him slowly? Or that you can actually bear to listen to the turgid shite?
April 17th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
I like Damien Rice,
Jesus Twenty – what has this site come to ?
April 17th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Yeah, good times. Off school, snow everywhere, roads were shiny white slides for a week.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
It might be time to call it a day, Maggot.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Ah now, last week there was whole slew of people finally coming out about Damian Rice, don’t balme it all on me. :)
Anyway, I can do worse, I’ve been a Frames fan for a long time as well.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Saw Brian Kennedy on TV3 yesterday singing Happy Birthday to ‘Expose’, the TV programme.
I did not know I was sitting on a lake of potential violence until a rage bubbled up in me.
To be honest, (fuck TBH) it scared me a little.
I hate his eyebrows most of all.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
I hate his wee twee voice most of all
April 17th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
That description above is everyting that’s wrong with Irish television in a nutshell.
Brian K singing happy birthday to Exposé… di he do it a la Marylin Monroe?
April 17th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
He has that effect on me as well Super.
I suspect Damien Rice is the result some strange experimental hybridisation of Dana and Brian Kennedy.
Twenty – is that really Jo or is it Bald Devil upto his old tricks again? It’s just the sort of evil he would post.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
He’s some class of shitepipe alright.
RRRRuuuuaaarrrggghhhhhh!!!!
Ah, that’s better.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
heh heh. No, tis really me. Didn’t you see Bald Devil has retired?
April 17th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
JTM, he did it a la Kennedy. Can’t describe it. Dirty, it was.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
My guess – he was standing in front of byoootiful scenery looking ever so soulful. He’s a cliché, and embarrassment and a total pillock. Allegedly.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
I think Dana was hot when she was a wee one. The whole Catholic innocence think combined with the short dress…
… too much info?
April 17th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Didn’t you see Bald Devil has retired?
he tells lies.
If it is you, you cn prove it by posting another cleavage shot on your website in the next 5 minutes. ( Please )
April 17th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
It was more of a ‘backstage at an event’ or something. Opportunistic hand the mic thing.
shudder.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I think Dana was hot when she was a wee one. The whole Catholic innocence think combined with the short dress…
Stick with the necrophilia mate. It’s healthier.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
maggot, that’s really not what my blog is for.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Is he into backstage ? Wouldn’t surprise me.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
See – “she” cannot do it, It’s bald Devil.
P.s. – Jo’s blog is about pictures of cleavage and wiggies.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
wiggies?
April 17th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Boys’ appendages. She has a full frontal – Dev will be turning in his grave.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
you’re channelling an 11 year old today a bit, maggot.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Bald Devil RIP
A tragic loss indeed!
April 17th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
I’m not the Damien Rice Fan!
( Cast the first stone and all that )
April 17th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
I hope you haven’t all rushed off to view the nudity on my blog, it will be a disappointment.
If it’s that sort of thing you’re looking for, you want to look at Midgetwrangler’s archives. All about her vibrator collection.
And Twenty’s provided you with naked women today…
April 17th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
I am secure in my Damien Rice-fandom, thank you, and therefore remain uninsulted :)
April 17th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
It’s a good blog and well worth a visit.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
thanks maggot :)
April 17th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
It is well worth a visit, if only to try and figure out how your arse is transparent in the nude picture of you in the top right corner
April 17th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
oh, enough already.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Lads, here’s a tip;
Next time you post a comment here, change your name to something feminine. You’ll have maggot, morgor, Tinman and SAm fawning over you like flies on shite.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
heh
April 17th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
You’re just jealous MB. It’s not my fault they’re starved of feminine company.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
hiiii, any boys on this site?
April 17th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Jo, I’m not knocking you. You’re sound.
I’m just a bit sick of the sychophants.
You’re too nice calling them “starved of feminine company”. ‘Round my way we call them wankers!
April 17th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
I don’t see how telling her that her arse is transparent is sycophantic.
Anyway, I’m off, I’ve a date with Busty LaRue.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
You may not be knocking me, but you have just likened me to a pile of shite, MB.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Jeezus Christ!! Women?
I likened their behaviour to the behaviour of flies.
I never said you were shite.
I’m getting closer to doing that now though.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
I am changing my name to Flaps McGee
April 17th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
rob, they’re only kids. Something like Lactating Lily would reap more attention.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
I would not be doing it for the attention MB……
For that I have my stunning moobs…….
April 17th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
I’m looking for company. Someone with a name like Snake, Chandler, Worm or Serpent would be lovely.*
*Or any other name that reminds me of any of those.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
***serious post alert***
For the record though, I am neither mindful or envious of the attention bestowed upon others. I don’t judge the motives of either the recipient or the donor(s)
My guess is that jothemama is a very prolific poster here, and as such will get what could be considered by some an inordinate number of replies.
Gender may or may not be a factor, who knows…
April 17th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
is Flaps McGee not that magnificent magician, Paul Daniels unflappable assistant
April 17th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I was brought up to be nice to women…
and to beware of monkeys..
That sycophant word is being used a lot…
April 17th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Of course one could suspect that Jothemamma might be just the type of person to attract males who use faceless computer forums as a means of social interaction… but I might be wrong?
April 17th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
rob aka allegedcomedian, you are one seriously good guesser.
I’ll accept the seriousness of your comment.
And I’ll ignore the fact that you’re here every fuckin’ day.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
I think this is all getting a little personal, not to mention way off-topic….
Stop it now or you will see an almost grown man cry…
April 17th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
I have heard on the grapevine that I could get some serious male attention here, come and get me boys, i will be at Blackrock tonight being hosed down by greenpeace, but after that I will be ready for some action.
April 17th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Harney being hosed down…
“All Areas Water Shortage Alert” will follow in the morning
April 17th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Isn’t everyone here every fuckin’ day?
And it’s a bit much to call people sycophants.
April 17th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
nowhere else will have us, 20.
this is the ship of lost souls.
April 17th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Sorry, meant to change back out of the Busty thing
April 17th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Ah ha, Tinman, I’m not really a slightly silly, blonde babe.
Sucker!
April 17th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
I don’t love Jo, I love only you MB.
April 17th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
I’m slightly embarressed to ask but, can somebody tell me what a sychophant is? – not a word used in my north side inner city christian brother school much
April 17th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
But Jo probably does get more attention than most alright just cos she’s different from the foul-mouthed males here.
Nice metaphor – a red rose in a sea of white lilies.
Not so nice metaphor – a white poo in a sewer full of brown poo.
April 17th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
sycophant = lick-arse
April 17th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Ahhhhhhhh, now Lick Arse is a term that was used an awful lot in my school.
MB – Go easy on the boyz, they’re just honing their flirting skills with jothemama and they could do with the practice.
April 17th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
hehe,
Tap on the shoulder :
“will you shift my friend?”.
April 17th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
sycophant = fawning parasite
April 17th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Here’s something fucked up.
There’s a small room in the gaff I live in, and this bloke moved in there. We’ll call him ‘John’. Because that’s his name. Anyway he took the suicide room, you know the job, little box room, barely fits a bed, everytime you come home you expect the poor fecker to have chopped himself to bits, having painted some tortured scene on the wall in his own blood.
He’s not from Dublin is our John, and he don’t know too many people down round these parts, so I suggested he get out there and join some shit, thereby bringing him into contact with other people who are not me. Go-getter that he is, John went right ahead and did that, but not in your old-school way, no. John used the internet.
“What are you doing for the week end?” he said.
Not much, I won’t be around. You?
“Heading out to the cinema.”
Oh yeah? Got a date?
“Yep, met them online so….”
Well far be it for me to laugh at such a thing – I would need my mates for that – so off I went about my business, wishing John the rompiest of romps that Friday night.
It was Sunday before I returned. When I did, I saw one of those big-ish looking handbags, a canvas job, with a phone sitting in it, you know how birds are mad into big handbags at the moment. I reasoned it probably belonged to one of the other lads’ girfriends because I figured (a) it was pretty unlikely you’d want to put your cock into something you met on the internet; (b) it was pretty unlikely she’d let you, and (c) whatever the case, this wouldbe very unlikely to last all week end.
I sure did not account for ‘Han’ the five-foot-nothing Asian bloke with extra earrings who walked through the door. So there you have it. My housemate cruises the internet for gay Asian love. Now I have no quarrel with fags, in many cases they are much more decent people than their straight counterparts because they have had a good long look at themselves and they don’t just ‘accept’ that sometimes they’re arseholes through sheer laziness of character.
But this guy steals my shaving foam. And he cruises the internet for gay sex. And he doesn’t flush the toilet after he pisses in it!
Whoever heard of a gay that doesn’t flush the toilet?
April 17th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Whoever heard of a gay that doesn’t flush the toilet?
Well there are some strange sub cultures out there – Perhaps he likes to drink out of it – very italian!!!!
April 17th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
I think he was looking for gay love, not necessarily from another continent
I blame phonetics; maybe he wanted a white male for romance and travel, but maybe his spelling was not the best and he searched for….
drumroll please…..
Cock Asian
I won’t even bother getting my coat…
April 17th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Type define:the word into google hey presto
Definitions of sycophant on the Web:
* a servile flatterer
http://www.eldritchdark.com/articles/criticism/69/a-glossary-for-the-fiction-of-clark-ashton-smith
* a person who tries to please someone in order to gain a personal advantage
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
* Sycophant (Gr. συκοφάντης), in ancient Greece was the counterpart of the Roman delator, a public informer.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sycophant
April 17th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Cheers TwoSpot – I’ve learned something new and useful today – the define: option on google that is, not the meaning of the word sycophant – I’ll still use “lick arse” for that one. Respect….
April 17th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Can I just say that I’m sorry for using the word ’sychophant’?
I really hope I didn’t upset anyone.
I think yiz are all great!
Love the blog Twenty!
Keep it up!
April 17th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
haha, shove it up your hole.
April 17th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Anybody heard anything from Johnny5 or did nailerz do the business ?
April 18th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
I think I met Stinking Pete in the phone shop the other day, I think he was looking for a refund on his Siemens.