Equality
Posted on | April 15, 2008 | 157 Comments
I was sitting in Ron’s when my phone rang.
*bring bring*
“Hello?”
“Hello, Twenty Major?”
“Yes. Who is this and how did you get this number and where do you live so I can kill you?”
“This is Adrian Pennyfeather and I’m calling you from the newly formed BEA?”
“You mean the DEA?”
“No, the BEA. The Blog Equality Agency.”
“What’s that then?”
“It’s an agency that deals with equality in blogs.”
“I see.”
“Now, I have to be honest and advise you that yours is the first blog we have contacted due to numerous complaints about the lack of equality on it.”
“What do you mean ‘lack of equality’? I’m quite equalariffic if you look at it. I hold no truck with racism or discrimination. I see beyond colour, political affiliation and things like that. I hate everyone equally.”
“That’s as a maybe but the fact is we have received far too many communications from readers to ignore the obvious problems.”
“What problems?”
“Well, in this modern Ireland we all share, there are people concerned that there are no black characters in your blog.”
“That’s because I don’t have any black friends who drink in my bar and who I grew up with.”
“That’s probably because you don’t want any. And even though a large percentage of the population is Polish you don’t have any Polish characters, not even a shoe-shine. It’s blatant discrimination towards a large sub-section of the population. Polish people can be funny too. Just the other day one told me a joke. ‘What do you call a Lithuanian with half a brain?’. ‘Gifted’. Hahaha. Isn’t that just priceless?”
“It is if you’re Frank fucking Carson.”
“So no Poles, no blacks. No Chinese…”
“Ah-ah. Wait a minute. I do have a Chinese friend. I wrote about him before.”
“Just the once, eh? Hardly a ringing endorsement of Ireland’s most casino-going immigrants, is it? So no Poles, no blacks, no other eastern-Europeans bar slagging off gyspies, WHICH IS RACIST YOU KNOW, but the most shocking omission of all is the complete and utter lack of women in Ron’s bar.”
“Women don’t really like Ron’s bar. It smells funny, mostly because of Dirty Dave and Stinking Pete, but also because of all the blood on the carpets and Ron’s insistence on burning incense sticks made from dried orphan skin.”
“There are no gays or lesbians either. Or bisexuals. Didn’t you live through the 90s? Didn’t you see how clubbing and taking E made so many, many people realise they preferred to do their gardening uphill? How can you blatantly ignore them?”
“Stinking Pete once sucked a tramp’s cock for a bet, does that count? And I’m a lesbian.”
“Very funny. What about country people? You’re too insular. Country people are everywhere these days. Not just on farms or in civil service offices. You need to highlight the positive effect they have on our community. And religions. You slag off the catholic church yet you leave the rest of them alone. You must be representative of the Protestants, Muslims, Jews, MegaJews and Buddhists.”
“And the mentally retarded. Where is their voice in your blog?”
“Er, Dirty Dave and Stinking Pete…”
“Oh, fair enough. The deaf lobby have been on to me as well, saying ‘Num mummmmh numm nummh num nmmm, num ni numm numm numm.’”
“That’s a fair point. But, you know, can’t I just write about what I want to write about? It’s my blog after all.”
“You can make all the excuses you like but we have powers vested in us by the Blogosphere and unless you introduce some minority characters in your blog then we’ll have no choice but to prosecute you to the full extent of the law. We can shut you down quicker than a Tribunal can fuck up a Taoiseach. You have seven days or you will feel our wrath. Good day to you sir. I said ‘good day’.”
*click click*
Just then in walked Floella Bergstein, the post-op transexual gay Jewish black deaf woman with her half-Polish, half-Chinese protestant lesbian husband.
I left of course, I hate those cunts.
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157 Responses to “Equality”
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April 15th, 2008 @ 9:33 am
Hi Twenty I have not had the chance to post in a while.
Good post, you are still a twat and I did steal your book and piss on it.
April 15th, 2008 @ 9:35 am
I’d expect no less from you, G G.
April 15th, 2008 @ 9:55 am
A true genius at work getting all those minorities into two people…And sadly today Tesco, if it was a country, has become the 60th biggest country in the world!!
April 15th, 2008 @ 9:55 am
If you were to blog in Irish Eamon O’Cunt would give you lots of Euros and you would be the darling of the establishment.
April 15th, 2008 @ 9:55 am
so you’re gonna throw in a token black fella standing in the corner of each story?
April 15th, 2008 @ 10:00 am
Token Black has been done much better elsewhere…
April 15th, 2008 @ 10:12 am
Totally off subject, when is Deirdre O’ Kane going to die? pretty soon I hope. She is a proper fucking geebag who should be anally raped by an elephant and then spunked in the face by a puss infested monkey.
I’d say it’s fair to say I don’t like Deirdre O’ Kane.
April 15th, 2008 @ 10:22 am
What about that geebag, Brendan O’Connor
April 15th, 2008 @ 10:24 am
Pants Man= David McSavage.
April 15th, 2008 @ 10:27 am
Who is Deirdre O’Kane?
April 15th, 2008 @ 10:29 am
True Twenty. I’ve been tokin’ on the black religiously.
April 15th, 2008 @ 10:50 am
can you not get in any catholic minorities
April 15th, 2008 @ 10:54 am
Deirdre O’Kane WAS funny, she HAD a funny stand up routine. Then some pony-tailed, lollypop sucking quimfest called Saoirse told her that she had a career in comedy drama. Cunt.
How’s the form Fiche? Been a while – I have become far too responsible lately with my health and consumption and personal relationships. However, I am now teaching middle Europe how to swear. There is hope.
Brendan O’Connor? Is that fat, unfunny cunt from Cork still getting on the front page of the Sindo?
Who the fuck is David McSavage? Fair to say that I try not to follow Irish life anymore, don’t live there.
April 15th, 2008 @ 10:57 am
I’m setting up me recording studio today. I’m gonna nail Nailerz, and have a go at some of you regulars on this blog in the process.
Hot Press, here I come!
No messing while I’m away.
NO RACISM!!!
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:09 am
You can’t just set up a recording studio and hope to succeed, you need an alternative persona and a supportive environment. Nailerzz ticks all the right boxes, he lives in a ghetto, has a harem of bitches and he has a retarded posse.
You are doomed to fail, although I would buy your first track.
Twenty I am sorry to say I cannot bring myself to read “The Book” because it took six fucking weeks to get here from Waterstones, I fear with such anticipation I have built up my expectations rather highly.
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:09 am
Nothing to do with nothing but I’m really pissed off of this story about the pregnant man. It’s not a fucking man its a woman. Men don’t have wombs. Hello?
And it should be forced to have an abortion.
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:15 am
I once ahad to sit for two days in a course entitled equality and diversity in the workplace. The certificate was taped to my fridge and gave friends endless hours of amusement. What really pissed me off is my colleagues did the same course in two hours, I still wonder if my bosss was trying to tell me something.
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:18 am
It’s certainly a bit mixed up Peadar – it wants to become a man but stops along the way to have a bay-beee ? I’ll bet even when it resumes becoming a man – do they do the strapadicktomy op on the NHS ? – it will still expect to have doors held open for it.
Poor kid is going to be a bit confused. It’ll probably grow up setting fire to notice boards in police stations.
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:19 am
MB – your attitude towards Nailerz is verging on racism.
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:21 am
nothing makes more racist than a black pride episode of any television show.
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:23 am
Roots – what a cunt of a show
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:28 am
I’ve wondered about those courses PP – what did they do ? Try to convince you that Naomi Campbell is a nice person ?
Was there any electro-genital aversion therapy ? The therapy was the best part of Clockwork Orange.
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:32 am
also the parkers had me on the verges of joing the Ku Klux Klan
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:38 am
She should have done us all a favour and set herself on fire instead of the notice boards.
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:38 am
Maggot: A large South African man (not the type that calls people kaffirs) with a huge chip on his shoulder took as through a series of wanky role playing scenarios in which discrimination may or not be taking place. I played a gay(rather stylishly), a woman an Asian and also got to be the offender, so I actually got to make racist quips quite legitimately.
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:42 am
Jesus PP – where can I sign up for this ?
Sounds wonderful – presumabaly you were on full pay while being entertained ?
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:47 am
Go work for the NHS , it’s mandatory there, got sandwiches and all the tea I could drink as well. It was worth getting the certificate so when I make an inappropriate remark I can wave it under peoples noses and shout “I’m qualified to say that”
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:50 am
Fair trade Tea ? Though I guess you had to drink it black ?
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:53 am
Only when it was served by a lesbian in a wheelchair
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:53 am
ugh, I went on a racist workshop once.
It was a black woman with a HUGE chip on her shoulder.
She started off with
“name some things that black people are good at.”
So people said music, sports etc.
Then she came back angrily ” I see none of you said science. why did no-one say science? a black man invented traffic lights…”blah blah. Big massive rant about how racist we all were.
Her next test was “who would you prefer to sit next to on a plane? a black man or an Irishman?”
then she smugly took out photos where the black man was wearing a suit and the Irishman was a traveller or something.
Everyone came out saying “what a fucking cunt.”
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:58 am
In the full interests of inter-racial harmony I drank my tea black with a hint of white milk thus I had a nice cup of mulatto tea. Can I say mullato or will I be stoned to death?
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:58 am
Sounds like what I was supposed to attend once except I went on the piss with amate of mine. Apparently the whole day was lost in jokes and racial epithets about drunken Irish. It seems the English lady leading the course failed to grasp the concept of a group of of Irishmen being able to take the piss out of one of their own. I dined out on that for quite a while thereafter.
April 15th, 2008 @ 12:06 pm
Morgor – did nobody call her on her sexism ?
April 15th, 2008 @ 12:12 pm
Maggot, I think everyone was too surprised at how venomous she was.
She was really accusatory,pointing her finger at the attendees.
I was much younger at the time, I was about 18.
If I was there now I might get into the role of racist that she was looking for :
“What are black people good at?”
“taking crack and mugging god-fearing whites.”
April 15th, 2008 @ 12:36 pm
How’s the form Fiche? Been a while – I have become far too responsible lately with my health and consumption and personal relationships. However, I am now teaching middle Europe how to swear. There is hope.
Howdy UB, form not so bad at all. And there’s nothing like hearing Europeans say ‘cunt’ properly. It almost makes teaching worthwhile.
April 15th, 2008 @ 12:37 pm
All them BEA people look the same to me…
April 15th, 2008 @ 12:53 pm
I love lesbians
April 15th, 2008 @ 12:55 pm
how to deal with sensitivity training
http://www.videosift.com/video/Rescue-Me-Sensitivity-Training
April 15th, 2008 @ 12:55 pm
I even love black lesbians but not knacker lesbians.
April 15th, 2008 @ 1:03 pm
Actually knackers probably aren’t allowed be lesbians.
“Da, I’m a lesbian”
“Wha”
“I’m a lesbian da, a lesbian ya know. I loves girls”
“Ya are in your whole, your marrying your cousin jerry next week”
April 15th, 2008 @ 1:13 pm
Lesbianism is certainly an art form, however I am basing that on magazines and video. In reality most lesbians are heinously repugnant and warrant a good beating with an ugly stick
April 15th, 2008 @ 1:16 pm
I don’t like whites
April 15th, 2008 @ 1:16 pm
They’re harder to clean at 40 degrees
April 15th, 2008 @ 1:17 pm
And they deceive themselves, I saw the lesbian gaydar float at Pride Brighton one year, and the lesbians on the float were all stunning looking women, yet the ones flocking round the float were all fat, dungaree wearing,tattooed,crewcutted old bags.
April 15th, 2008 @ 1:18 pm
Christ Supergrover using that train of thought you would never mix coloureds and whites for fear of disaster, sounds like apartheid to me which is a nasty business.
April 15th, 2008 @ 1:19 pm
Washing machine apartheid – we’re all guilty
April 15th, 2008 @ 1:20 pm
I also don’t like gay men – they laugh too much
April 15th, 2008 @ 1:20 pm
* gets coat *
April 15th, 2008 @ 1:21 pm
Washing machine apartheid – we’re all guilty
Not me , I mix it all up and fuck the consequences
April 15th, 2008 @ 1:48 pm
good to see you slagging all minorities; except rugby
Mark E Smith part 2
http://music.guardian.co.uk/rock/story/0,,2273649,00.html
April 15th, 2008 @ 1:58 pm
McSavage was at the top of Grafton Street on Sunday attempting to be funny by calling teenager girls ‘saucy naughty bitches’ and yet nobody killed him. I don’t understand this world
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:06 pm
hehe Supergrover, I’ll be stealing those jokes for myself.
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:12 pm
be my guest, morgor the easily pleased – they’re shite.
just youtubed d mcsavage as i wasn’t really familiar… yes, what a sap, i must agree. prick. as bad as hime is my pet hate – david o’doherty. he’s a right cunt. these twats obviously learned their sitting around in their south co dublin bedrooms in mammies house coming up with a sense of superiority…
basically, fucking untalented dickfaces from hell.
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:12 pm
Just for the record I am not David McSavage.
I like Halle Berry so I am not a racist. Who gives a fuck anyway?
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:18 pm
I’d love to see someone kick the fuck out of that cunt at the top of Grafton Street, FMC.
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:19 pm
surely we could organise an ambush between a few of us
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:21 pm
I’m in!
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:22 pm
Or we could meet MonkeyBalls for the fabled few jars and when he’s locked, shove him hard through the semi-circle of easily impressed gawkers right at McSavage. I sense that one smart comment from the unfunny cunt and we would have a mighty row on our hands. And we could watch…
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:23 pm
Is he there everyday? I have not witnessed this entertainment phenonomen
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:26 pm
PP – check this out… hate will follow swiftly…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svMKTMtYrrY
He is new to me too but already I could happily watch him die.
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:26 pm
Usually weekend afternoons…
We should egg the cunt or something.
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:28 pm
you have our e-mail addresses
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:29 pm
You need those Colour Catcher sheets for your whites n’ colours.
A colour cathcer sheet sounds like a KKK uniform, doesn’t it.
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:31 pm
Right!! that man deserves a lot more than egg on his fucking head …what an absolute cock of the highest order.
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:32 pm
He doesn’t get the recognition he deserves???????? What the fuck is that all about? Sorry that has annoyed me more than that cunt Diarmid Gavin and that is saying something.
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:38 pm
Oh God. He’s not funny.
Perhaps egging might well be the recognition he deserves.
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:40 pm
I like his YouTube comments – ‘This guy is crap’. Heh.
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:42 pm
What about the Grace Jones double driving the taxi in the novel? She counts in your favor, right?
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:45 pm
If by egging we all mean ‘bricking’ then I’m still in.
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:51 pm
Having met, and performed on the same bill as McSavage, I urge you to cause him no harm in any way shape or form.
Trust me, leaving him to live out his days trapped in his own “personality” is punishment enough.
He has two modes “Performing” and “Rainman”
There is nothing in-between.
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:54 pm
creepy!
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:55 pm
The only reason he gets any attention/recognition at all is cos he is the talentless son of some irish politician – David Andrews I think…… Hence the RTE campiaign to give this doss cunt some credibility. Unbefuckinglievable……
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:56 pm
What about David O Doherty then, ac? I reject the condemnation of him, I think he’s endearing and funny.
April 15th, 2008 @ 2:57 pm
Hey, McSavage, if you’re reading this after googling yourself, there really is such a thing as bad publicity. This is it.
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:00 pm
Matter of taste I suppose, JTM. I also have had the misfortune of having a pint with him long ago. Friend of a friend in a group sort of thing. In Mulligan’s. Never heard of the cunt at the time, but he acted as if people were looking for his autograph or something. Hard to describe what a geebag he was but trust me on this.
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:03 pm
Fair enough SG, that’s fairly damning.
It must be dangerous getting ‘famous’ in Ireland, especially if it’s just in a burrough of Dublin. Small pond, etc.
Twenty beware…
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:04 pm
David O’Doherty is mediocre, but he plays on that so I think he’s likeable.
Saw him live before, i think he was a warm up for Jimmy Carr.
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:07 pm
I am open to being corrected. Maybe he’s OK and my experience has been coloured by meeting the dick. Still don’t see how anyone can bear him though.
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:08 pm
I thought the gig in his bedsit thing was funny.
I’d agree with that mediocre/likeable assessment.
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:09 pm
brillant stuff twenty!
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:10 pm
Hee, that doesn’t sound very open, sg.
So who’s good? I used to go to a lot of comedy, in the days when I got out much.
I really want to see Andrew MAxwell. The first time I saw him on the Panel I thought he was an unfunny fool, but he’s brilliant. I love how he struck the fear of god into Ryan Tubridy.
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:14 pm
Andrew Maxwell is very very funny on stage, but, in my experience, a grade-a tosser off it.
Eddie Naessens is both funny and a nice guy to have a pint with…
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:14 pm
Maxwell is a naturally funny bloke and has honed his act well. He makes me laugh and he also has some excellent observations about the world, etc.
Then again, it’s all amatter of taste.
You get the sense that he exists in the real world and not only in his bedroom, making up ‘clever’ stuff.
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:24 pm
How bout one of them “flashmob” things, where the objective is we all turn up and beat the living snot out of McSavage?
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:28 pm
I never advocate violence
except for Brendan O’Carroll
and
Celine Dion
then feel free to stab away at their scrawny throats
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:28 pm
I think that’s just a mob, not a flashmob.
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:31 pm
on the subject of racism this is very very funny…and you don’t even have to be a spurs fan…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lP0dTWRCJeQ&feature=related
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:31 pm
No sound required but if you work in Germany or with Germans you may want to be a little careful
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:37 pm
I never saw the film – or was it a tv thing. Football aside, serious acting, I didn’t understand a word of it and I still feel a little shaken!
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:38 pm
Downfall – great film. And I like that version even better
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:42 pm
saw maxwell live too.
he’s pretty funny alright, but he relies quite a lot on the easy targets ie wanking/sex/drugs/booze.
But then again, that’s what makes people laugh.
Went to see some ballymun guy called something Lalor in the laughter lounge a few weeks ago.
He was from the ballymun comedy thing from Des Bishop and he had loads of scumbags coming along to support him.
He was fairly shit, but the support acts were amusing.
A sligo guy who was on before him called John Cleary was pretty funny.
And Aiden Bishop was surprisingly funny.
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:46 pm
Never really liked aiden bishop, although haven’t seen him in a few years.
Bit jealous – youtube has decided it doesn’t want to work for me, so can’t keep up with the clips and links. Anyone know how to fix that “update Flash/JavaScript” bug thing?
Tis driving me mental.
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:52 pm
“Oh, fair enough. The deaf lobby have been on to me as well, saying ‘Num mummmmh numm nummh num nmmm, num ni numm numm numm.’”
haha made me spit coffee!
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:52 pm
It wouldn’t load for me at first, but when I refreshed it came up instantly. No idea why.
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:56 pm
LtheL – that was really funny, but I’m scared to laugh at it :)
I taught a deaf girl for a while, she told us a story about being in some pub and a guy at the bar pinched her arse. She was worried that if she’d said anything he might have got violent or abusive – ! I told her she should say ‘hey, don’t pinch my arse’, or whatever as loudly as she could, and he’d be totally embarrassed, especially because of her deaf voice.
April 15th, 2008 @ 4:05 pm
Why do blokes pinch girls arses? Seems a bit Carry On. What exactly is the expected result? Weird.
April 15th, 2008 @ 4:05 pm
“he’d be totally embarrassed, especially because of her deaf voice.”
Jothemama – Do you mean her deaf accent
April 15th, 2008 @ 4:07 pm
Why do blokes pinch girls arses? Seems a bit Carry On. What exactly is the expected result? Weird.
If you squeeze hard enough some pus shoots out.
April 15th, 2008 @ 4:07 pm
Em, do I? I suppose her voice isn’t deaf, you’re right.
April 15th, 2008 @ 4:12 pm
I don’t get pinching girls arses, but slapping girls arses is different.
April 15th, 2008 @ 4:13 pm
“If you squeeze hard enough some pus shoots out.”
What the fuck???? I think you are thinking of squezzing something else, and it is not pus that comes out. Jesus, sex education in Ireland must be weird and wonderful.
April 15th, 2008 @ 4:18 pm
It may just be the scary quality of hte arses Twenty is squeezing.
Good work, morgor the spanky.
April 15th, 2008 @ 4:21 pm
different thing altogether morgor. spanking is a noble pursuit
April 15th, 2008 @ 4:30 pm
And great exercise too!
April 15th, 2008 @ 4:36 pm
A toast to spanking. Huzzah! *clink*
April 15th, 2008 @ 4:38 pm
*clink*
April 15th, 2008 @ 4:41 pm
Hey twenty – you rem a few days ago you were bitching that the rickrolling yoke where 100s of people just turn up somewhere and at the same time have a silent rave or something, or all stand in a supermarket like statues??? Whats it called again?
anyway – We could do that with David McSavage. Surely we could pin down a time when hes playing in T Bar or Grafton St, we could all be there and on a given moment – we could fuck him up with dye or something!!!!
April 15th, 2008 @ 4:44 pm
That was supposed to gbe – doh – thats exactly what i meant – sorry, slow today. Lets flashmob the cunt.
April 15th, 2008 @ 4:50 pm
Lets flashmob the cunt.
Please dont- it’ll only give him the attention he desperately craves – he’ll only turn it into a publicity stunt and get even more undeserved attention.
April 15th, 2008 @ 4:59 pm
I have to agree with Dessie
Let’s hunt down and kill that scrawny unfunniest of cunts Brendan O’Carroll
“How’s your wobbly bits?”
“How’s your fucking wife, still abandoned you humourless fuck?”
April 15th, 2008 @ 5:00 pm
Just get a large gang of people heckling him.
April 15th, 2008 @ 5:09 pm
how about a large can of petrol and some lighters – we could do some joke where the punchline is “WOOOOF” now all we need is the joke….
April 15th, 2008 @ 5:19 pm
chris rock is a black comedian and actually good. that surprised me, especially since even pryor drives me insane.
April 15th, 2008 @ 5:23 pm
A little poem methinks
McSavage stands on Stephens Green
and vents his adolescent spleen
some think “genius”
others “chancer”
as humorous as bowel cancer
April 15th, 2008 @ 5:31 pm
Bravo!*
“Claps Robert, still consider bricking McSavage him to be only option.
April 15th, 2008 @ 5:33 pm
hehe they should teach that in school Robert.
B, chris rock can be funny, but most of the time he’s shit.
Have you ever seen “down to earth”?
That was one of three films that I ever walked out of the cinema for.
All of his jokes are “black man does this, white man does this. black man gets arrested.” har har change the record.
Jo Brand is a bit like that too, she can be funny but usually it’s just “I am a big fat woman ho ho ho”.
April 15th, 2008 @ 5:39 pm
What were the other films that made you scarper?
April 15th, 2008 @ 5:39 pm
down to earth was written by the writers of american pie though wasn’t it?
the stuff on his cds is generally 25% great, 25% crap, 50% pointless sketches.
pryor done nothing but the “black man does this, white man does this. black man gets arrested” routine.
eddie murphy’d be pretty good if he didn;t constantly remind me how big of a prick he is.
jo brand is funny on quiz shows(qi), she’s terrible onstage.
April 15th, 2008 @ 5:40 pm
“deep impact” bored me to tears. (apparently the ending is supposed to be quite good though)
April 15th, 2008 @ 5:42 pm
B agreed on all points.
Trying to remember the 3rd film now.
It’ll come to my slow brain eventually.
April 15th, 2008 @ 5:42 pm
I just can’t stand the way she uses ‘ehhh’ as her punchline. And Daire O Briain copied her, it’s really stupid, like they’re afraid to just tell a joke.
Having said that, I do the same when I tell funny stories, I end with ‘it was so funny’, which annoys even me.
Kudos Rob, love the poetry. ‘Colon’ might scan better though? Bowel is hard to say, for some reason.
April 15th, 2008 @ 5:43 pm
still consider bricking McSavage him to be only option
Fatmammycat you sound like you’re determined to start a stoning – will fake beards be sold on the side?
April 15th, 2008 @ 5:43 pm
Is jo brand now santa claus?
Always thought it’s “I’m fat” whine whine whine, then a genuinely erudite and funny observation, then back to fat fat fat whine whine.
April 15th, 2008 @ 5:44 pm
What about The Secretary, Spanko Morgor? I tried to watch it but I couldn’t, James Spader made it just too cringy! I’ll get past the cringe barrier for the good stuff some day.
April 15th, 2008 @ 5:48 pm
hehe, yeah I quite enjoyed that film.
I don’t particularly fancy maggie gyllenhal (or however you spell it) but she was nice and weird in it.
April 15th, 2008 @ 6:08 pm
Pryor and Rock are two of the best stand-ups America has ever produced, race or racial material regardless.
I feel like Irish comedy is in such a quagmire at the moment. And it’s because of the laziness of the “wanking/sex/drugs/booze” dynamic that someone mentioned above. People like McSavage and the Bishops only stifle the real potential of comedy as stand-up.
For my money, the best stand-ups working today are Stewart Lee and Daniel Kitson.
April 15th, 2008 @ 6:22 pm
robert klein still does stand up occasionally, as foes george carlin, but i’ve just been told he’s gone crap.
dane cook is terrible, sold out madison square garden. dunno how you could enjoy standup comedy in a venue like that though.
April 15th, 2008 @ 6:26 pm
“still consider bricking McSavage him to be only option
Fatmammycat you sound like you’re determined to start a stoning – will fake beards be sold on the side?”
Nope, just more bricks. No Pythonesque charm with this one.
April 15th, 2008 @ 6:52 pm
regardless of the beards or Python overtones, surely there will be no women allowed at a stoning?
April 15th, 2008 @ 6:52 pm
eddie izzard used to make me cry with laughter. He went awful shit though.
Same with Reeves and Mortimer. maybe it’s just cos I was young, or cos the material was new at the time.
I saw some old Seinfeld stand-up before and it was very funny but I haven’t seen anything that I’d bother truly recommending for quite a while.
April 15th, 2008 @ 7:06 pm
“regardless of the beards or Python overtones, surely there will be no women allowed at a stoning?”
Where do you think this is? Cavan?
April 15th, 2008 @ 7:28 pm
If this isn’t Cavan, where in the fuck am I?
April 15th, 2008 @ 7:32 pm
That’s the funniest thing you’ve written in ages.
April 15th, 2008 @ 7:33 pm
J5! My stars and garters, ooze finally dried up did it?
April 15th, 2008 @ 7:38 pm
Before the last general election, FF hacks were handing out fliers to all white passers by in Dublin streets.
I want to find a black, muslim, fat lesbian immigrant and ask her how many requests for votes she got from Fianna Failure before the last election.
April 15th, 2008 @ 8:03 pm
ah fmc, nothing wrong with cavan (ahem) think more along the lines of kabul…and robert, think you’re missing the second last line from your limerick; much agreed on the sentiment though
April 15th, 2008 @ 8:32 pm
Ooh can I join in the Dave McSavage stoning? What a cunt. I saw him live once at a charity line up thing and he’s a cunt.
Can we stone Jo Brand too – I’m fat. Boring!
I like Neil Delamere. He’s a filthy fucker and very funny!
April 15th, 2008 @ 8:37 pm
agreed regarding delamere, good funny guy, very helpful with new acts off-stage too. In short a gentleman.
Des Bishop is an arsehole, though you probably already knew that
April 15th, 2008 @ 8:48 pm
I don’t like Des Bishop either. I like the socially minded bit but I don’t think he’s funny. His brother Aidan is though. Saw him at the same thing as McSavage. And Deirdre O’Kane, who just rehashed a load of old stuff.
April 15th, 2008 @ 8:51 pm
I crush mightily on Andrew Maxwell. He’s far and away the best one on that The Panel and the main reason I’ve watched more than one show. He chews on his pen and I have sometimes earnestly desired to be that pen, that’s how deeply I crush on him. Even if I could arrange to be a pen for a day though the stage-hand would probably stick me in front of a less attractive panelist from where I could only gaze at his full-bodied Maxwell tastiness. And that is my tragedy.
Obviously my other tragedy is this comment.
April 15th, 2008 @ 8:57 pm
Not me , I mix it all up and fuck the consequences
I give everything a pre-soak in bleach – no worries about colours then,
April 15th, 2008 @ 9:00 pm
FMC the snaps are in the post! They will probably scar you for life. Nothing glossy about them im afraid.
MB thanks for the preview, good stuff so far!! you make the rap lark look very easy and i think you shoud think about getting yourself an agent asap. The bit about johnny5 was especially moving.
April 15th, 2008 @ 9:02 pm
“Figures are not my forté” – Tim Collins at The Mahon Tribunal
that always makes me laugh out load.
and you twenty, sometimes. When you’re not picking on teenage girls brought up in horrible circumstances; when you etc etc
I hope Pat Kenny gets the clap
April 15th, 2008 @ 9:16 pm
Thank you Beer Belly Brit, but you forgot to mention what the preview was of. You can be my agent now if you rectify that small matter.
April 15th, 2008 @ 9:18 pm
Oh, and Itchy, belated thank you again for that link to the MES thing.
April 15th, 2008 @ 9:32 pm
no problem monkeyballs. there’s 2 links.
some great stuff in the 2nd one, like
If you put it in the context of the current climate, having a few pints and a Benson after work is hardly the worst crime. It’s the same when you go to the doctor. It’s common knowledge that some doctors are the worst degenerates in existence. They’ve been on everything in their time. But as soon as you tell them you’ve got a bad back or a gammy leg, their first question is, “Well, are you a smoker?” What the fuck does that have to do with it? I’m annoyed by the lack of smoking on TV as well. We should have more ashtrays on morning TV, and presenters wheezing.
April 15th, 2008 @ 9:43 pm
Sorry I thought the mention of rap lark might have been a bit of a clue to people!? Happy to be your agent but ive already signed up nailerzz so there might be a conflict of interest
April 15th, 2008 @ 10:24 pm
Great stuff indeed Itchy. If only he had a blog. (sigh!)
As for you, Big Belly Brit. You have a hard neck mentioning me and Nailerz in the same comment. I like it! You got the job.
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:11 pm
i was thinking of trying standup when i’m in college next year, are there like comedy clubs or anything?
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:27 pm
B, I thought you were on a year off or something. Why are you waiting until you’re in college to start doing stand-up?
Don’t know if they still do, but places like The International used to have nights where newcomers were welcome. All you had to do was put your name up, like karaoke.
Bring chicken-wire.
PS
You DO get a mention in my new No.1* rap song! As soon as I sober up enough to get the fuckin’ microphone to work that is.
*=first
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:33 pm
yes! it is my duty to get referenced in as many internet things as possible, several scripts circulating with characters named after me.
gap year…. in longford, no comedy clubs here.
and the pat shortt obsession is still pretty heavy here too.
April 15th, 2008 @ 11:56 pm
Top man Beer Belly Brit, I’ll make sure to hang your best shot up in the garage. Oh and it WILL be glossy.
April 16th, 2008 @ 12:16 am
Beer Belly, you’re not to be sending out photo’s of yourself without my approval. If you’re my agent, I’m your agent. It’s only fair.
I demand 25% of whatever FMC paid you.
What was it? Money-off vouchers for Burger King?
April 16th, 2008 @ 1:18 am
FMC your garage sounds like an ideal location. There is not a best shot though but just pick the one you like best and make sure you put a frame around it before you hang it up, thanks!
MB im not paying FMC anything! who the fuck would be stupid enough to pay me money for pics of my huge beer belly? if i could pull that off i would be some genius. I think FMC is too classy for Burger king anyway. My first gem of advice as yor agent MB is ditch the Tweenie microphone and buy some decent equipment!!
April 16th, 2008 @ 1:52 am
I am only posting this message to prove that despite having two young sons, man-boobs and a very important meeting in about 6 hours time, I can stay up late if I want to….
April 16th, 2008 @ 2:09 am
Who is this fellow McSavage? Maybe could ask Nailz to stab him in the arse.
April 16th, 2008 @ 7:26 am
Adrian Pennyfeather… we’ve had that name before.
Seems to have changed jobs, if my memory serves me right…