Now that’s what I call an excuse
Posted on | April 10, 2008 | 114 Comments
A man was found not guilty of murdering his uncle through reasons of insanity yesterday.
Anyway, he apparently had a text book case of schizophrenia and the reason he smashed his uncles head in twenty times with an axe was because Jimi Hendrix told him his uncle was the devil. Awesome. Then it seems his uncle told him he wanted to die because boxer Jack Dempsey was speaking to him through his uncle’s mouth.
That’s pretty fucking cool, you have to say. Dead rock stars telling you people are the devil, tiny boxers living in people’s mouths. It doesn’t get much better than that.
None of this vague ‘I heard voices, the voices in my head told me to do it’ crap for this lad. He named names and everything.
Did you ever wonder that perhaps only schizophreniacs are wired in such a way that they can hear the voices of the dead and the dead being bored out of their minds, what with hanging around heaven or hell all day, play all kinds of tricks on them?
Hendrix – “I’m bored Jack Dempsey. Really fucking bored.”
Dempsey – “Are you on for a laugh?”
Hendrix – “Whaddya mean?”
Dempsey – “This is a trick Einstein taught me. We go find a schizophreniac and we plant mad ideas in their head. Probably about someone being the devil, get them wound up then we sit back and watch the mayhem. It’ll be gas.”
Hendrix – “Ah sure go on then. What’s the worst that can happen?”
The rest of us, convinced as we are of our sanity, are blind to the other worlds and dimensions around us so they pick on the mentally ill. It’s the afterlife equivalent of taking candy from a baby.
Yer man was remanded in custody at Dundrum Mental Hospital where one day Mama Cass and Rocky Marciano are going to get him to do something really bad.
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April 10th, 2008 @ 9:08 am
Why is it only famous dead people that talked to him? How come he didn’t get a voice saying “I’m Vera, a granny from Skibereen, make sure you eat all your greens”.
April 10th, 2008 @ 9:10 am
Ted Bundy went on that killing sprea after Elvis beat him at a game of draughts by cheating.
April 10th, 2008 @ 9:11 am
I hope your ex-Taoiseach doesn’t read this page. That’ll be his defense at the Mahon tribunal, Haughey was telling him to do it.
April 10th, 2008 @ 9:11 am
Only famous people get to go to heaven or hell. The rest of us have to stay in limbo. Which is like Offaly.
April 10th, 2008 @ 9:13 am
This is from the RTE website on Monday:
“Mr Gageby said Mr McLaren appeared to have some very unusual thoughts in relation to race, music and golf.”
April 10th, 2008 @ 9:16 am
Yeah, also thought that he was a champion golfer and that the Central Mental Hospital were going to build a golf course. For him. Riiiight.
April 10th, 2008 @ 9:16 am
I saw that bit about how when the police came he demanded a black woman.
I’m sure all the black lady Gardai were lining up for that one.
April 10th, 2008 @ 9:48 am
Mama Cass?
That’s a little unexpected.
Although she was very keen we dream a little dream of her (telling us to kill people).
April 10th, 2008 @ 10:00 am
offaly, and the midlands in general, are hell.
April 10th, 2008 @ 10:14 am
This morning Bob Marley told me to pull a sickie and smoke a few spliffs. Sweet.
April 10th, 2008 @ 10:24 am
Ah, Ted Bundy – the serial killers’ serial killer.
And how do we know that our lad didn’t eat all his greens because a granny from Skibereen told him to? Is that illegal now too – like smashing in your uncle’s head with an axe?
April 10th, 2008 @ 10:24 am
GREAT, I suppose until they find something like an outstanding parking ticket fine, Offaly bashing will become a sport. Meanwhile I sit waiting for an incoming katusha and dream of the green fields round Ferbane – swop anyone
April 10th, 2008 @ 10:29 am
Which famous dead person is running Bald devil ?
April 10th, 2008 @ 10:32 am
Possibly Jesus – he loved us all
April 10th, 2008 @ 10:34 am
haha
April 10th, 2008 @ 10:45 am
I just found a parking ticket. I thought it was fine, ’til I showed it to the missus, who corrected me.
“That’s no ordinary parking ticket”, she said.
“It’s outstanding”.
Up Offaly!
April 10th, 2008 @ 10:50 am
We are definitely getting cooler as a nation.
And the proper index of this is our crime portfolio. It used to be just knee-capping and breaking into someone’s house to rob a telly that weighs a ton.
Now its voices from Jimi Hedrix and tooled up 11 year olds wearing bullet proof vests.
Yeee fucking haw!
April 10th, 2008 @ 10:52 am
My two voices would be your man from Milli Vanilli and Rocky’s trainer Micky roaring “YOU’RE A BUM!”
April 10th, 2008 @ 10:57 am
Once I heard Larry Gogan’s voice telling me to ride a chicken. But I didn’t do it. Too shy.
April 10th, 2008 @ 11:04 am
Is Peig Sayers famous? I’d kill anyone and anything if The Peg spent an hour talking to me (can you imagine the toothless, wet, sucking noises every 2 minutes as the pipe goes out?)
Deep, deep mental wounds.
That’s all I have to say about that.
April 10th, 2008 @ 11:06 am
PTR – HaHa!!
April 10th, 2008 @ 11:35 am
was this man the devil? I need closure.
April 10th, 2008 @ 11:38 am
Fantasy demon voices? I’d go for that midget Tattoo from Fantasy Island.
“De plane, de plane, Boss, Quick, stab the fucker! De plane is coming Boss!”
April 10th, 2008 @ 11:42 am
There was something about sinn fein too.
Jesus – those murdering fuckers get everywhere.
April 10th, 2008 @ 11:52 am
If the shinners can bring their armed struggle to some dudes subconcious then they should win something at the annual terrorist awards.
Just saying.
April 10th, 2008 @ 11:56 am
I have a nice photo of me at the Terrorist awards.
I brought it home and blew it up!
April 10th, 2008 @ 11:57 am
Boom Boom!
April 10th, 2008 @ 12:16 pm
twenty; a friend of mine went through a schizoid period around 6 years ago. She spent 8 months in portrane; I wouldn’t wish it on anybody’s family. She had jesus christ type thing going on – thankfully she’s ok now (kinda)
April 10th, 2008 @ 12:18 pm
Tell the truth Itchy. That “friend” was you ya crazy muddafucka
April 10th, 2008 @ 12:23 pm
Can illiterates get text-book cases ?
Are these available as Gaeilge ?
If not, it’s a national disgrace.
What happens if the voices speak in a foreign language?
Does twenty have to share his royalties with the estates of the voices that dictated the Book to him ?
Were the prophets just schizophrenics?
I’m a bit bored
April 10th, 2008 @ 12:30 pm
Lighten up Itchy. It was inevitable that someone was going to come on today and complain that fun was being poked at schizophrenics. I expected it, but didn’t expect it from you.
All Twenty pointed out was that this seemed like a kind of advanced schizophrenia. Famous names were being mentioned. It wasn’t just run-of-the-mill stuff.
There’s been schizophrenia in my extended family, but it doesn’t stop me from seeing the comedy value of this paticular story.
April 10th, 2008 @ 12:36 pm
PP – I’m presuming Haughey was telling him to do it…
Aw cnut, I’m with you on gurning Peig noises – I was on a bus once and head exactly what you describe – I finally turned round to see an auld man sucking his false teeth in and out of his mouth – ran screaming down the stairs wihtout delay. UUGH!
I read about a wonderful judge who tried a man who’d murdered someone . His case defense was that he had multiple personality disorder, and it was one of his other personalities who did it – so the jusdge sentenced the other personality.
I think that demonstrates soem powerful imagination.
April 10th, 2008 @ 12:39 pm
I think Itchy’s entitled to put that in, it wasn’t too cranky was it? I too have it in my extended family, in fact my cousin won’t have children in case he passes on a tendency. I’m not sure what to think about that.
I think laughter is a good response to anything extreme and difficult, it’s what we do, but it’s not going to be appropriate for everyone in every given situation, eh?
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:02 pm
I agree Jo, but my point is that Twenty wasn’t poking fun at schizophrenia in general, just the bizarre nature of this paticular case.
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:06 pm
Bacchus does often be goading me on to drinking a couple of boottles of claret , I usually oblige . But cunts ( matter a fuck how well known they are )telling me to chop peoples heads off and smoking , well there , I draw the line
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:06 pm
It’s strange – people come here and laugh along at the irreverence and the no-quarter given approach until something is said close to the mark and they get upset. There were no objections to tthe comments about raping in the face – does that mean you approve of rape or that you think that rape is trivial or a laugh IB ? of course not.
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:08 pm
Apt words, jothemama, personally speaking I wouldn’t have laughed at this if your man didn’t look like Ronald McDonald. But he does so fuck it.
Also, can we please stop talking about these people using such terms as “Schizoid” and “insane”? They prefer the term “mentally hilarious”.
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:12 pm
mentally hilarious! Perfect.
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:15 pm
I’m not being tetchy; just saying that I have experience with it; I’m certainly not the complaining type monkey – sure don’t i let you warble away?
*scratch
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:18 pm
I thought the politically correct term was “mentalers”?
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:21 pm
4. limbo is like offaly? looks like i’ll have to go on a killing spree or something to avoid that.
18. when you say the milli vanilli fella does that mean the voice of the actualy fella or the people he lipsynched?
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:24 pm
mentallists
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:24 pm
Me and PajotheBear are ok with this type of thing
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:25 pm
monkey in answer to your comment on the last thread. I did not click on anything, but there were pretty graphic pictures surrounding the frame, and as you know Pcs and browsers and all are very lazy and like to store all the pics it downloads in case you ask them to show you them, again, and I have 2 small boys who use this machine thats all. I aint no prude Fool! Using a Family PC is all..
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:25 pm
I enjoyed this post, thought it was funny.
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:25 pm
I’m sure there would be some great game shows possible – Loony Blind Date, Opportunity Knocks for Psychos ?
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:26 pm
He could sing that Milli Vanilli chap. He proved it at the press conference before he made like an
ice-cream man and topped himself.
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:28 pm
Celebrity Mentallist Who Wants To Be A Jungle In Their Gladiator’s Eye.
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:28 pm
That’s what I thought Itchy. I know what you mean too, monkey. maggot I feel you’re ever-reacting given that no one’s really got upset. You silly named people, I feel like there’s voices in my head talking to you.
Raping in the face, ugh. I try to skim over all that shit, because you are a funny bunch really, and I know there’s a place for all this extreme and unfunny humour.
Why do you think boys like to indulge in it and not so much girls?
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:29 pm
Because girls are icky.
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:31 pm
most girls aren’t funny
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:31 pm
I’ve respect for Jo coz she admitted to wanking with a flake
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:32 pm
I was just talking to someone who knows someone who goes to evening classes etc where she was treated so all the guys she meets are unstable too. So Looney Blind Date is sort of real.
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:32 pm
And when I say “respect” I mean I think she’s a dirty bitch.
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:34 pm
Twenty, I would have thought it was because girls aren’t icky.
Just for the record, I have never wanked with a flake. Nor did I state that I had.
I have had interesting adventures with chocolate Vanilla whipped cream though, and would recommend it to you all… (see, that’s what girls are made of).
Stop making me talk about sex! You’re the voices in my head, god help me.
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:35 pm
Sex is all well and good, but you can’t beat the real thing.
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:37 pm
Ah crap, wrong word italicised. Should’ve been aren’t.
PattheRat, you seem to bring out the worst in me. I’m not a dirty bitch, I just have trouble not saying what I’m thinking. I have a lack of impulse control, that’s all.
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:40 pm
Haha and you’re back in the room!
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:41 pm
Jo – you are transferring your feelings of shame and guilt onto me with that post 49.
I was pleasant and was trying to be helpful in a non-provocative manner by expanding on MB’s post.
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:44 pm
AH fuck up maggot with that kinda psycho-babble
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:47 pm
Obviously you feel guilty too Pat.
Either that or you are trying to loosen Jo’s stays. Shame on you.
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:48 pm
maggot, I meant voices talking to me there, whoops, shame and guilt about what, raping-in-the-face? I think I missed the original of that one. I wasn’t trying to be stroppy or anything. I just don’t think anyone’s making an issue about today’s post, aren’t we all agreed it’s funny?
we may perhaps be suffering a case of e-miscommunication – more emoticons needed perhaps.
I don’t disagree with your close to the mark point, you’re right. I just didn’t really think there was a problem today.
I might toddle off, I worry I’m inhibiting the nasty fun – look, no one’s said cunt for ages!
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:49 pm
ha, she said cunt.
Highbrow to the max!
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:49 pm
I think you are the best thing to have happened to this site in years Jo. Please stay.
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:52 pm
If only I could get paid for commenting. What I said to Alan Smithee last night about popping in here and there was a LIE! I’m getting nothing done!
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:54 pm
Twenty seems to like you – he hasn’t insulted you yet – so who knows ?
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:55 pm
That’s cause I’m actually his mum
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:56 pm
No, I’m not.
I get the feeling he’s just being polite.
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:57 pm
Scuse Me,While I kill my uncle
(James Marshall Hendrix)
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:57 pm
hee
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:57 pm
Polite ? Twenty ?
Look what he has said in the past about Kate Moss and Kerry Katona!
April 10th, 2008 @ 1:59 pm
How come Jimi wasn’t charged ? Typical of FF’s Ireland, It’s one law for the rich and famous ….
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:02 pm
Jo, between today and yesterday we’ve had football fan squabbles, made libellous remarks about a whole city, slagged the mentally afflicted, received a video link which apparently shocks even the thick-skinned people on here and discussed confectionery wanking, so it’s hard to see how much more inhibited the nasty fun might get if you left.
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:02 pm
Ah yeah, but they’re not here. Unless he travels the world, insulting celebrity drug addicts?
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:04 pm
Only in my spare time…
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:04 pm
Why did the feminist cross the road?
Because she COULD!
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:06 pm
True and all Tinman. It’s just we seem to be talking about me, now. I’m sure that’s not what’s meant to be happening. And you don’t seem to be insulting eachother as merrily as before :)
I was just worried, as after I started commenting, Monky Balls suddenly sent me kids’ Nintendo advice and I made maggot say ‘gosh’.
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:06 pm
Comment 74 would explain where twenty goes from mid-morning to early afternoon. My new theory on that is that he’s Judge Mahon, and that after Bertie found that out he resigned coz he knew he was fucked.
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:06 pm
libellous remarks about a whole city
only libellous if untrue!
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:07 pm
Why do women get periods ?
because they deserve them!
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:08 pm
It’s good to do voluntary work, Twenty.
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:09 pm
If that’s the case maggot, then men deserve women with periods.
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:09 pm
See comment 80, Jo, and I rest my case.
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:14 pm
Only the ones foolish enough to associate with women Jo!
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:17 pm
Are you coming out as a gay hermit, maggot?
I suppose avoiding pms is probably a good reason to turn though, in fairness.
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:18 pm
Happily divorced Jo !
That’ll teach me to drink Absinthe.
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:21 pm
SAm, I’ll apologise again. I honestly tried to extract the video and repost it on it’s own, but it wouldn’t work. I should have put a better warning on it, rather than just saying that I was lowering the tone.
You could delete your browser’s history, or better still, use a different user account than the two boys. I’d recommend you do that anyway, setting higher restrictions on any account they use. That’s how I protect my own kids.
Microsoft publish a good guide here; http://tinyurl.com/ysr9sc
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:23 pm
Fair play to you MB.
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:23 pm
You tell her lads. Sex is for girls!
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:33 pm
Jeezus maggot! You’re divorced? I always thought you were somewhere in the 12-15 age bracket.
Isn’t it strange, the mental picture you create of other commenters?
So, who fancies coming for a drink tomorrow night, to have their misguided illusions broken?
monkeybawl@gmail.com
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:38 pm
tomorrow’s booked. wedding anniversary.
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:38 pm
maggot’s got fuckall to do though
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:39 pm
sorry maggot, just messing
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:39 pm
Where is it SG, and we’ll gatecrash!
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:39 pm
not sure yet. somewhere cheap
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:40 pm
Monkey, are you not afraid, like I am, that if we meet up we’ll all turn out to work in the same office, and that the Commenter that you’ve been telling to Fuck Off for the last 6 months will turn out to be the really cute girl from accounts?
April 10th, 2008 @ 2:44 pm
Nah Tinman! In my experience, other commenters turn out to be the nicest people in the world, no matter how nasty they seem on the Internet.
It’s also interesting how much we can have in common that never surfaces here.
And do you know what’s strangest of all? Blogging never comes up in the conversation!
April 10th, 2008 @ 3:01 pm
We’re all escaping the pressures of our bloggin lives…
Would you all go out to the Noggin Inn? My husband’s fabulous band is playing there, and it’s going to a good cause (Muldovan orphanages).
They really are fabulous. http://www.myspace.com/thejuiciestmusic
I don’t think I can go though because of babysitting issues :(
April 10th, 2008 @ 3:09 pm
Jo, you should’ve done a bit a bit of research before you posted anything about benefits for orphans on Twenty’s blog.
And anyway, where’s the incentive to go, if there isn’t even a hope of meeting your voluptious self?
April 10th, 2008 @ 3:12 pm
Do it for the music, Monkey. They’re deadly.
It’s not exactly a benefit, we just have a friend going to Muldova. He was meant to organise a proper ‘benefit’ thing but it never came together, so the good lads are just giving him the door of their normal gig.
April 10th, 2008 @ 3:21 pm
Jo, -Orphans and Acoustic Rock. You’ll get yourself barred you know!
April 10th, 2008 @ 3:27 pm
http://www.myspace.com/muff1234
April 10th, 2008 @ 3:28 pm
Alright, no more orphans. That was just an incidental one off really.
It’s really good acoustic rock, the gigs are blinding. I’m not biased! You have to see one before you judge…
April 10th, 2008 @ 3:28 pm
Are we to take it that the shaven-headed baldish guy on the left is Jothedada?
April 10th, 2008 @ 3:30 pm
Yep, that’s Mr dada.
The other two are nearly young enough to be my children…
April 10th, 2008 @ 3:34 pm
Now THAT’S acoustic, SuperGrover! Why is it so dark on your myspace? My aged eyes strain to see…
April 10th, 2008 @ 3:35 pm
fucked if i know. i didn’t set it up. just play the bass.
April 10th, 2008 @ 3:37 pm
Heh, my husband’s bass player from his old band is so aggrieved they don’t have one. He keeps playing it to his wife and shouting ‘What’s missing?’
April 10th, 2008 @ 3:40 pm
one what? sorry if i’m missing somnething
April 10th, 2008 @ 3:43 pm
Bass player!
April 10th, 2008 @ 3:45 pm
ah. right. no bass is a bad one. it’s the balls.
April 10th, 2008 @ 5:35 pm
…apart from the ones that wanted to kill me (and that was most of them) the few people I have met from blogging have been nice.
April 10th, 2008 @ 5:59 pm
Couple of things MB – there’s a chance Nailerz will turn up looking to sort out J5 and Twenty. I’m a bit older than 15- don’t ever et married – there I was, a 22 year old virgin enjoying John Player Specials and drink, then marriage came along – Hellish. she expected to take all my money, didn’t want me to go to the pub with my mates and worst of all, expected me to touch her spacial place. Yuk! sod that, I pissed off.
April 11th, 2008 @ 6:26 am
Yer man was remanded in custody at Dundrum Mental Hospital where one day Mama Cass and Rocky Marciano are going to get him to do something really bad.
Beat the hell out of a ham sandwich?