New York, London, Paris, Munich
Posted on | April 3, 2008 | 108 Comments
I don’t have anything at all to say today. I’ve just always wanted to use that as the title of a post.
I could have built an elaborate story around some guy with one ball who like drink fizzy drinks and then lashed in the old ‘everybody talk about, pop eunuch’ punchline but I just can’t be arsed.
I can’t even be bothered telling about how Stinking Pete managed to get dog spunk in his eye. Use your imagination, make something up, it won’t even come close to the real reason.
I see loads of people have paid tribute to Bertie. If I could arsed I’d pay one myself but I just don’t have the gumption to make an abortion shaped cake from my own shit and vomit.
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108 Responses to “New York, London, Paris, Munich”
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April 3rd, 2008 @ 12:52 am
lets all hope you dont gain the drive required to make that cake, cos it’s gonna be bertie’s month.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 1:32 am
I knew a plumber once who had “New York,Paris,Tokyo & Liverpool on the side of his van.” Guess where he plumbed.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:44 am
The irony of anybody paying bertie anything…..enough with the paying….
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:55 am
I remember hearing about some graffiti on (was it maybe) Concord advertising. It had said something like, ‘Breakfast in London, lunch in New York.’ And somebody had written underneath, ‘Yeah….and bags in Bermuda.’
April 3rd, 2008 @ 4:22 am
I’m amazed there isn’t a big headline on this site saying: “Good riddance you cunt. Fuck off and don’t come back” in honour (not a word I’d use with Bertie, but whatever) of the bollix’s departure….
April 3rd, 2008 @ 6:40 am
Not that it makes much difference to me at the moment but it’ll be somewhat nice the next time I’m home to not have to listen to the depressing news of how Bertie gave himself another raise or cut spending in some vital area of the economy.
Its a temporary breath of fresh air for people in Ireland, at least until the next FF gobshite,(Cowen I Presume.)takes over in May.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 7:35 am
Yes but what are the opposition going to do for the next month? Are they going to start trying to fix things or come up with an alternative path now that they cant use every available media avenue to attack Ahern over his personal Finances.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 8:41 am
Well I fell ovber at Bertie’s resignation. I thought that was the only appropriate response and I’ve been falling over too since I’ve heard about it. In happiness. What a class A crook!
Taxis are cool. Preposterous people, aiming for whatever they’re aiming for aren’t cool. What’s cool is real people, genuinely good folk. And the people that get them where they needto be without falling over. They’re cool todaay.
I’ve noidea whosw site I’m on
April 3rd, 2008 @ 8:42 am
Liquidation sale! All stock must go! Large brown bags and envelopes at Rock bottom prices! http://www.ahjasisbertiedontgo.com
April 3rd, 2008 @ 8:54 am
Were you drunk/hungover writing this Twenty?
You’re missing a few words in your sentences.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 9:19 am
Is there a side to you we should know about ? Have you easy access to a cross channel ferry ? Is Viz your bible ? Have you a stack of True Detectives under the bed ? An abortion shaped cake ??? Where’s Bean Ní Wifeswappingsodomites when you need her ?
April 3rd, 2008 @ 9:24 am
Fella, you might find this slightly amusing: Daily Mash story on Ahern
being kicked the fuck outresigning.April 3rd, 2008 @ 10:35 am
The day after a revolution – Rebels are conformists.
Twenty was of course pissed on shampers after his day with Dunphy while at the same time texting his condolonses to his fellow book ecrivant Georgina or whichever one of the fat face cunts wrote it.
Fuckin hell imagine the texts (PS I’m sorry for you but PPS I envy you) Bllleughhhh!
April 3rd, 2008 @ 10:57 am
Pat are you ok?
April 3rd, 2008 @ 11:43 am
good to read some real tributes….you’d swearBertie was dead with all the platitudes from the glitteratti
April 3rd, 2008 @ 11:49 am
Yeah am fine Ibanez, had a bit of a cold last week but nothing too heavy, you know, me smokes tasted funny, had to drink hot whiskey’s to start me off, kind of thing. Thanks for asking though!
How’s all with you and yours?
April 3rd, 2008 @ 11:54 am
But seriously forks, is this site a reflection of the state of the nation as we are effectively leaderless.
Something is surely afoot or is it just me that thinks that Twenty has left the monkeys to run the zoo?
April 3rd, 2008 @ 12:29 pm
It like putting on the TV to keep a kid occupied – he sticks up a short post in the morning knowing that this will keep us occupied for the day, while he’s off at his new home “Twenty Majeure” where he and a select few friends discuss Bolivian poetry, New World wines and whether England will ever get a decent left-arm spin bowler.
Bald Devil is one of the chosen few – Twenty had to pretend he was banned so we wouldn’t notice he’d gone missing.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 12:30 pm
BTW – where the hell is Monkey Balls?
April 3rd, 2008 @ 12:37 pm
You are wrong about Twenty – he’s too much of a gentleman to kick a chap when he’s down.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 12:40 pm
Ibanez is a violent sex terrorist.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 12:43 pm
Should that Munich, not be Milan???
April 3rd, 2008 @ 12:44 pm
When the fuck did Munich ever get up there with the other 3, apart from maybe most bombed during world war 2??
April 3rd, 2008 @ 12:45 pm
OK, em…
New york might not have exactly been bombed then…
Ill get me coat!
April 3rd, 2008 @ 12:48 pm
About a year ago, I was sitting on a bench in Stephen’s Green, swigging cider from a flagon in a paper bag, when a very shady looking character parked himself beside me, and without provocation, he started talking to me.
“See that fuckin’ David Blaine cunt,” he said, “he’s a fuckin’ cunt!”
Naturally, I agreed, and set about screwing the lid back on me flagon. I was just about to get up and go in search of another bench, as far away from this smelly fucker as possible, when he grabbed me by the arm.
“I could do any of the fuckin’ stunts he did”, he continued, showering my face in spittle as he said it, “and, I did most of them before he did!”
Suspecting that the fucker was only after my drink, but fearful that he was likely to beat the shit out of me if I didn’t give him some, I thought my best option was to get some amusement from him and get him to tell me about one of his “stunts.”
“Go on then”, I said, “tell us about your best one.”
“Well”, he began, “it was out on Dollymount strand. I got meself a good strong wooden box, just big enough for me to fit inside. 4 of me mates helped me out by burying me in the sand, and nailing the lid tightly on. The original idea was that they were going to come out to visit me every day, and feed me a Mars Bar and a can of Special Brew through the little air-hole I’d bored in the roof of me box.”
“How many days did you last?” I asked.
“Oh, months”, he said, “months! But to me, it only seemed like weeks.”
“Tell me more”, I said, realising that I didn’t really have much of a choice in the matter.
He continued. “Well, the lads must’ve forgotten about me. Not once did any of them come to visit. Then, about 90 days into my ordeal, I began to hallucinate. I was convinced that someone had stuck their tongue through my little air hole, darting it in and out like nobody’s business.”
“That’s mad”, said I, “so what did you do?”
“Well”, he said, “I did the only thing I could do, and I grabbed that tongue with all my strength, and started tugging away at it.”
And that, my friends, is how Stinking Pete got dog spunk in his eye!
April 3rd, 2008 @ 12:49 pm
It’s from a song called Pop Music, SAm, by a band called M back about a trillion years ago
April 3rd, 2008 @ 12:52 pm
It’s Pop Musik, actually!
April 3rd, 2008 @ 12:55 pm
Now the bloody song’s chorus is on loop in my head and will torture me for the rest of the day.
Agadoo to you !
April 3rd, 2008 @ 12:56 pm
my friends,
You don’t have any friends here, not since Bald devil was cast out into darkness!
April 3rd, 2008 @ 12:57 pm
more gay eighties music shit… I’m not in on that buzz..
Sorry.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 12:59 pm
monkey balls,
Are you officially “muscling in” with that little effort???
April 3rd, 2008 @ 1:00 pm
I was thinking of dropping into town to see Bald Devil in his local this evening. Anybody care to come along? He’s only there from 5 to 7pm, but we could make a night of it if you want.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 1:02 pm
I bet he was just wanking the dog because a lot of people get great amusement from seeing dogs lipstick. And when bored this always gets an audience.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 1:03 pm
SAm, Twenty DID say “Use your imagination, make something up”
I just accepted the challenge.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 1:05 pm
Good effort but very similiar to Twenty’s kinda spiel. You could go so far as to say you aped him!
April 3rd, 2008 @ 1:08 pm
no, it was good. (monkey)
Just realised that major was on about some song with a ridiculous word in it to rhyme with munich… of course he would never do anything like that… ho ho
April 3rd, 2008 @ 1:14 pm
where is this local you speak of, if its tallaght you can fuck off… a pretty boy like me would never make it over there…
April 3rd, 2008 @ 1:17 pm
For all we know monkey, you could be one of those giant geeks that weigh 40 stone and have that kind of bum-fluff where you should have beard, and can only wear clothes from american sports shops, and only ever eat pizza and twinkies, and are a virgin who dreams of someday making it with some chick from some science fiction movie/series. And then….
April 3rd, 2008 @ 1:19 pm
I said; I was thinking of dropping into town to see Bald Devil in his local this evening.
We like pretty boys. No, really, we do!
April 3rd, 2008 @ 1:27 pm
Listen, I’d love to post the name of ol’ Baldy’s local here, but that wouldn’t be fair to him.
If anyone’s serious about going for a drink and bit of a laugh, e-mail me at monkeybawl@gmail.com
Both me and Bald Devil are extremely nice people, and I’ll even buy anyone who turns up a pint.
The pub is central Dublin, on the Luas red line. That’s all I can say here.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 1:49 pm
Fuckin dating website this is turning out to be.
Well I have GFCH and I detest long walks.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:01 pm
Pat, they have heating in this pub too, and no-one’s going to take on that long walk you secrectly hope for. It’s a drink, in a pub, right beside a stop on the Luas red line.
You’re all afraid, aren’t you?
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:04 pm
I’ve soiled myself MB.
Hold me.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:06 pm
I’m not afraid (to say I’m afraid)
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:08 pm
Bunch of fuckin’ wusses!
It’s OK. I’ll go by meself.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:15 pm
which one is the red line?
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:23 pm
Red line goes from Tallaght to Connolly Station
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:24 pm
What a proposal, MB, a gathering of the Twentyites – I’d almost go, if only to see if you’re all brave enough to say cunt as much in real life as you do here :)
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:28 pm
jothemama, please come. You know I’m not really a mad fucker. I’ll pay for ALL your drinks.
And your bus fare home!
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:29 pm
i guess slattery’s
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:35 pm
You guess wrong!
jothemama got it in one; A meeting of the Twentyites. That’s all it is!
I was pleasantly suprised when I went in and met Bald Devil a couple of weeks ago. That’s why I’m going again. He doesn’t know yet, unless he’s reading this.
It should be a good laugh.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:39 pm
c’mon man, gimme at least warm, cool, etc
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:39 pm
the master mariner? or whatever it is called now
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:40 pm
ps – i’m not supergrover. honest
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:41 pm
But bunny, as I said earlier, it wouldn’t be fair to Bald Devil for me to post the name of his local here. I won’t do it.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:41 pm
Monkeyballs are you gonna pay for everyone’s drinks or just jothemama’s?
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:44 pm
Jeezus bunny, I remember the Master Mariner. It’s not that kinda place at all. It’s a nice place. A very nice place.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:45 pm
’twas a fine establishment, serving pints to the most roguish of characters
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:45 pm
I beginning to give up now.
Someone do a dog spunk story.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:52 pm
one time this gimpy kid in my school got his leg boffed by the priests’ dog, an old golden labrador that had hardly moved for years. the gimp’s name was pixie, chanel college coolock, early to mid 80s. a surprising amount of jizz silvered his school greys.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 2:59 pm
- tumbleweed -
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:03 pm
A bell tolls in the distance.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:05 pm
a lonesome wind a-whistles across the dusty plains
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:06 pm
OK, last attempt; The first one to e-mail me with a request for the name of the pub gets a copy of Twenty’s book, and a packet of Jacob’s Ginger Nuts- WHEN THEY GET TO THE PUB!!!
And if it’s jothemama, free drinks ALL NIGHT, but only because you’re a fan of My Bloody Valentine.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:06 pm
An old crow lands on a branch and ruffles its feathers.
Caws once and departs, leaving a dead silence.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:08 pm
MB – some other time but thanks
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:11 pm
ooooh ginger nuts. but unfortunately I’m off karting. zoom zoom.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:11 pm
There was a guy from our school who reputedly had sex with his dogs – one male one bitch called Betty. Allegedly he brought one of his mates to his shed to demonstrate how he would f*ck one whilst feeling the others tits or whatever they have.
Fucking ruined his reputation for a while which I later figured out was the intention of the rumour starter as he was a serious hit with the ladies. Though I admit we still call him Betty Boobs.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:13 pm
heh heh – betty boobs – nice one
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:32 pm
MB, a generous offer! Though I’m a cheap date due to breastfeeding (and lack of practice). I’m afraid my days of spontaneously rushing into town to be bought drinks by friendly strangers are on hold for the moment.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:37 pm
PattheRat, god, what lovely story!
And od you seriously not know what dogs have? Hee. They’re so not boobs.
I so can’t imagine anyone finding them arousing. Christ!
I saw the beginning of one of those voyueristic channel4 documentaries, about bestiality. It started with some freak in the US who had ‘married’ his ponies. I couldn’t bring myself to watch more than a few minutes, but I couldn’t turn it off initially either. Werg!
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:39 pm
Monkey Balls
Looks like you’re drinking alone ya sad cunt!
Oh and place those ginger nuts one by one into your rectal passage like it’s a money box.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:41 pm
does anybody know what number episode of lost was on last sunday… looking for a torrent..
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:42 pm
i got sick of lost after season 2, so no.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:43 pm
i’ve never seen it. not even once. can’t be arsed
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:47 pm
Its the only program i watch on TV, and still manage to miss even though its on three nights in a a row(same episode)
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:50 pm
Did anyone find out what Major is up to for the afternoons… he could be working as a gigolo for desperate housewives???
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:50 pm
sam, they have this new-fangled gizmo called a video recorder. it’s only about the size of a coffee table and can be purchased for under a thousand punts
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:51 pm
i fancy the redhead off that
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:52 pm
You should try buying a video recorder today and see how you get on MS Lingus.
Actually I challenge you to buy a standalone VHS recorder..
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:56 pm
challenge accepted. on with the orange jumpsuit and off i go
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:58 pm
fire up the chopper…
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:59 pm
pant… puff… gasp… d.i.d. airside swords… gasp… vhs recorder for sale
April 3rd, 2008 @ 3:59 pm
mmmmmm…. riiiice
April 3rd, 2008 @ 4:02 pm
VoiceOfTreason said:
Looks like you’re drinking alone ya sad cunt!
No, it’s looks like I’m drinking with Bald Devil actually, ya stupid cunt!
Now, where did you want me to send those biscuits when I’m finished with them?
April 3rd, 2008 @ 4:03 pm
its amazing the shite we used to watch on tv when there was about 4 channels…
Now of course we have CSI
April 3rd, 2008 @ 4:06 pm
Can anybody tell me where the Turk’s Head is? There’s a reggae band playing there tonight, and I quite fancy it.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 4:06 pm
beggars can’t be chooses and all that. anneka’s arse had a hypnotic effect on a hormone-addled 14 year old so it wasn’t all bad
April 3rd, 2008 @ 4:06 pm
parliament st. reggae, eh?
April 3rd, 2008 @ 4:08 pm
Did someone mention breastfeeding ?
I’m in!
April 3rd, 2008 @ 4:09 pm
MB – this is the band playing there tonight – more of a Ska thing…
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=78592715
April 3rd, 2008 @ 4:23 pm
Thanks bunny. -listening to them now.
Not too bad! Hopefully sound better live than on my shitty little laptop speakers. I think I’ll give them a go.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 4:24 pm
enjoy. have something on later. if they are any use and you’re going in again…
April 3rd, 2008 @ 4:35 pm
heh, maggot, I didn’t mean it’d be a party. I’m so not coming in now! :)
The Turk’s Head? Nice mosaics.. occaisional belly dancers. Perhaps not on Ska night.
Speaking of electronics… Harvey Norman’s just open in Carrickmines. Big sale – philips 42 inch tv for €799! If youre there, seek out a shaven headed baldish dude, and give him the commission…
April 3rd, 2008 @ 4:44 pm
We’s love to help Jo, but if he’s shaven headed how will we know he’s baldish?
April 3rd, 2008 @ 4:52 pm
that’s the ish – shaven headed due to balding, rather than being, say a skinhead strictly by choice.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 5:08 pm
Plasma or lcd? As if i know the diffrence!!!
Cheap as chips though!
April 3rd, 2008 @ 5:25 pm
Even if I promise to behave jo ?
April 3rd, 2008 @ 5:28 pm
Pity I wont be there I’m fuckin great craic.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 6:00 pm
woo-woo – good question, but all I know is it’s the flat n’ sexy on-the-wall kind.
maggot – that would, of course, still be no. I suppose I could do you up a bottle of expressed milk? You could put an umbrella in it.
PattheRat – heh, funny :)
April 3rd, 2008 @ 6:37 pm
Gosh Jo, I wasn’t thinking along those lines – I was only going to gaze admiringly at the curves!
April 3rd, 2008 @ 7:23 pm
“..pop eunuch…”? I’ll have to think about that…
April 3rd, 2008 @ 7:34 pm
Twenty can you convince me that you are not sunday world journalist Paul Williams. If you are its OK, But I will have to incinerate my hard drive, and then gouge out my eyes using only my optical mouse, after which all other PC paraphenalia or bodily organs that have come into contact with your writings will have to be destroyed.. Violently of course. I do notice that there are a lot of people with silly nicknames around the place.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 8:03 pm
Aw, maggot, sorry! – that would have been a bit of an unusual fetish for an Irish person alright.
As to the curves – well, there’s plenty of them! I think it’s just as well I can leave you with your yummy mummy vision though :)
April 3rd, 2008 @ 9:42 pm
Oh Goody – with marvellous timing FF have readmitted Beverly Flynn !
April 3rd, 2008 @ 11:55 pm
fucking hell maggot; FF and Etics (dats Bertie saying etics) – FF and Ethics – like shooting fish in a smoke and dagger
April 3rd, 2008 @ 11:59 pm
I saw about 30 seconds of him tonight being interviewed by that incredibly Ugly BBC reporter – Bertie was telling him much he had done for the world and not a thought of anything in it for himself – God almighty, he was almost believable!
April 4th, 2008 @ 12:06 am
I work with people who love him….one of them asked me why he was resigning…this after 6 months of emails from me with articles by Vincent Browne and Michael Clifford laughing at the ridiculous stories of sterling and wardrobes….Bertie believes it all; they believe it all…if Andrew Neil is loving him now on BBC1; I give up…gullible gobshites
gl;