Excuses excuses
Posted on | April 2, 2008 | 92 Comments
I saw the headline on breakingnews.ie – Stomach bugs ‘costing €135m per year’.
It struck me that it should have read – ‘Stomach bugs’ costing €135m per year.
I mean, everyone who rings up work and says ‘I can’t come in today, I’ve got a stomach bug’ is just making it up, right? Perhaps a night on the beer will liquify your poo and make your arse leak with more regularity than normal but that’s not a stomach bug, that’s the beer shits.
‘It must have been something I ate’. Fuck off, you lying cunt. You either have a hangover or you just can’t be arsed.
I remember Dirty Dave once telling his boss he couldn’t come to work because his tongue fell out. He got fired.
So what’s the best excuse to get out of work you’ve used/heard?
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April 2nd, 2008 @ 2:34 am
“hey, i wont be in today, i’m still drunk”, needless to it was my last sickie!
April 2nd, 2008 @ 2:51 am
Did you hear about the bloke in Melbourne who told his boss in advance that he would be too sick to work on Saturday because he had to go to the football?
The stupid prick even got a doctor’s certificate saying that if he missed the football match he would be too sick to work.
Naturally, he got the sack.
Full story here: http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,23400933-5015795,00.html
April 2nd, 2008 @ 3:24 am
Politican,
Cant come to work today have to go to Tribunal…
April 2nd, 2008 @ 3:31 am
When I was a manager at a restraunt I had an employee call in sick saying he had ebola. I obviously knew he was lying because 1) ebola is not present in the U.S. and 2) I was with him the night before drinking heavily and knew he was still just as drunk and feeling the beginning affects of the same hangover I was getting…I made him come to work anyway.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 3:42 am
Hey boss sorry but i wont be able to make it in today.I went out for a few last night and bumped into Mary Harney,and one or two led to many drinks and a curry and we ended up back at my flat where i began to preform analingus on her.To my shock when i woke up this morning my lips had swelled to five times their normal size i look a right fucking mess.So please count me out today.But look on the bright side at least now we know what happened to Brian Cowan.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 3:49 am
Now there is a good idea MARTIN maybe someone should introduce ebola to the USA it might wipe you noecon wankers out before you completely fuck the world up.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 4:03 am
I could tell you a bit about stomach bugs Twenty – like Giardia – but then, where would my mystery be?
April 2nd, 2008 @ 4:38 am
When I was living in Tokyo, I wanted to go to a music festival so my flat mate rang up and called in sick for me. Half way through his explanation of why I couldn’t go to work another one of my bastard friends burst into loud laughter, trashing what little credibility my flatmate had. Fine, said work, but tell her she needs to turns up to work with a medical certificate when she recovers. So I went off to the doctor in perfect health, faked some flu symptoms and left with a medical certificate saying I had a bad case of the flu and needed to have five days off work.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 4:44 am
Apologies for typos above, but for some reason when I was writing, half of my text was hidden under the sidebar to the left.
Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 4:52 am
Satchmo, those are some pretty harsh words there. Although I would like to point out that not all Americans are “neocon wankers” but the douche bags that are in power are so I guess your statement isn’t entirely inaccurate. I do think it’s a shame that you would group us all together for the shortcomings of our inept leadership.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 5:08 am
London – March 17th, 1989: “I thought it was a holiday and so I went out and I’m pissed now, so I won’t be in”.
And it worked so predictably poorly that;
Wellington, NZ – March 17th, 1999: “I thought it was a holiday…..”
April 2nd, 2008 @ 7:37 am
March 17th 1997; “Can’t get across the road because of the parade.”
Instead, I went to the cinema with a beautiful girl I’d met on the bus. Still with her now.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 7:57 am
“i have diarrhoea”
simple, effective, they don’t want you to come in anymore.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 8:37 am
a bloke i knew said to his boss
“i didn’t know what time it was until i woke up”
and another time the boss said
“you should have been here at 8″
to which he replied
“why,what happened”
April 2nd, 2008 @ 8:44 am
Somebody who worked for me didn’t turn up for four days, and when he came in apologised and said he thought he was on holiday.
No I did’t sack him because anyone with that amount of front can only be an asset.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 8:55 am
“I have to stay at home and wait for the cunt from NTL to show up…”
April 2nd, 2008 @ 8:56 am
“I have to stay at home and wait for the cunt from NTL to show up…”
There’s a fucking fortnight off right away, bunch of wankers never turn up.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 9:05 am
“I’ve got the shits”
You will never be questioned about it. EVER. As long as you can get over the initial embarrasment of telling your boss that the stuff coming from your arse is runnier then a room full of Kenyans.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 9:35 am
calling in dead for five years while on the lam in panama is fairly impressive
April 2nd, 2008 @ 9:37 am
I was walking down the street and this auld fella was standing crying on the corner, he told me a story about how hard his life was compared with his peer group, the world was against him and he couldn’t afford a cup of tea. I gave him my last few quid so I couldn’t afford the luas fare. If you don’t believe me try calling his office at St. Luke’s, 161 Lower Drumcondra Road, Dublin 9
April 2nd, 2008 @ 9:39 am
SATCHMO
Fecking priceless, ha ha ha!
April 2nd, 2008 @ 9:54 am
Workload was immense one week during which I rang in to report sick.
Me: ” Hey, I cant make it today I’m sick”
Boss: Just how sick are you?”
Me: “Well I’m in bed with my sister!”
April 2nd, 2008 @ 9:57 am
PTR are you a knacker ? How do you get broadband to you your caravan?
April 2nd, 2008 @ 9:58 am
I used the excuse “i’ve got a really bad hangover” before.
But I was an intern at the time so I got away with it.
A friend of mine has been using the excuse “my grandfather died” for loads of things for years, he tried to use it 3 times in school and the teacher pointed out that you don’t have 3 grandfathers.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 10:03 am
A dodgy one to use, that ole “me grandma died” particularly if you under the glare of the national media ala Stephen Ireland
April 2nd, 2008 @ 10:05 am
PP how dare you call me that. If you saw my sister you’ld understand
April 2nd, 2008 @ 10:06 am
Haha how far is too far…..
April 2nd, 2008 @ 10:08 am
that’s obviously not far enough.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 10:13 am
I’ve used the Ebola one before.
Howrya, listen I won’t be able to make it in today cos I have a touch of the Ebola virus…. I expect I’ll be ok tomorrow though”
Boss laughed, said it was among the best excuses she had ever heard and then followed it up with “enjoy your day off”.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 10:19 am
I tried the “i’d missed my train and my phone was dead” trick as I saunter in the next day.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 10:23 am
Is B-B-Bertie about to fall on his sword?
He can fall on mine if he likes.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 10:32 am
How come these damned wimmin get away with claiming they have “troubles” every month ?
Outrageous sexual discrimination against men. If they do it more than once a year they should be sacked or be told that they are to be paid less than male equivalents.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 10:40 am
Good auld Bertie, I got a great price for my Land.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 10:42 am
They ARE paid less than us – Aow! virtual high five!
April 2nd, 2008 @ 10:44 am
I was drinking with a guy on sunday, next morning he emailed work and told them he was working from home that day
April 2nd, 2008 @ 10:48 am
I was in a pub one afternoon (back in the day before everyone had mobile phones) and this bloke made the whole pub quieten down so he could use the payphone in the bar to ring his boss and tell him “I won’t be in today, I think I have….scurvy.”
Someone told him afterwards what scurvy actually was and since he was not a pirate and this is not 1824, it was unlikely anyone would believe him – I don’t think he ever bothered his arse going back to the job in the end.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 10:48 am
I rang in one Monday morning and told my boss that I was arrested the night before and spent the night in the clink and was too tired and traumatised to face a management meeting.
Nice one I thought and back to bed I went. I was a little deflated though when I remembered it was actually the truth.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 10:50 am
Chanchan – That is one hell of a story!
April 2nd, 2008 @ 10:54 am
You got you wish, poor auld Bertie has resigned
April 2nd, 2008 @ 10:54 am
They ARE paid less than us – Aow! virtual high five!
That’s a feminist lie – shame on you !
As they work inefficiently, if at all, one week in four and not terribly well the rest of the time they should be getting 50% Max of what male workers get – but only the best of them.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 10:55 am
it’s so hard not to be sarcastic sometimes.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 10:58 am
Someone has just told me he’s resigned (bertie)..is that true???
April 2nd, 2008 @ 11:02 am
I was unable to come to work because, in the best interests of the country, I have resigned…bollocks!!
April 2nd, 2008 @ 11:05 am
Ye, he’s resigning on may 6. Look what you done you bastards. The great man is going.
History will judge him well.
Christ now its Cowen. For fuck sake
April 2nd, 2008 @ 11:07 am
Loks as if he may be going – Poor old Irish Indo – they ran with “Double win for Ahern as tribunal backs down ” and ” Taoiseach is ‘not under any threat’” LOL
If Batman goes Can Robin (Mugabe) be far behind ?
April 2nd, 2008 @ 11:09 am
best news I’ve heard for ages.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 11:11 am
AAHHAAHAHHAHA HE RESIGNED!! Effective May 6th! Holy shit that is the best news I’ve heard in a LONG time.
WOOOOO!
Anyways, the best excuse I’ve heard for not being in work was the other day actually. One of our drivers wasn’t in on time, boss rang:
Boss: Where are you?
Driver: Home.
Boss: Why aren’t you in work?!!?
Driver: You told me yesterday that I had the day off.
Boss: ….. damn.
Driver: Yep, thanks, see ya.
Management = incompetent.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 11:16 am
This has been a highly entertaining morning of reading comments.
My best method of getting off work was when I was i NY, I fell asleep on the steps of work locked out of my mind only to have the boss wake me in the morning and tell me to go home.
Saaweeeet!! Drunken high 5!
April 2nd, 2008 @ 11:17 am
Yeeeeeeeeeeessssss!! He’s going, going…..May 6th should be a national day of celebration!
Bertie……you’re a CUNT and shall always be remembered as the CUNT you have been. “For the good of the country” my arse.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 11:22 am
Guess he felt the presure after twenty’s blog shock the nation.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 11:22 am
Just posting to say that Twenty must be already at the vinegar strokes over the news that bertie the cunt is going.
He’ll surely wipe himself off and post about it soon. Twenty, I mean, not Bertie.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 11:23 am
Twenty should write a new blog becuase this excellent one will be ruined by political jabber
April 2nd, 2008 @ 11:42 am
My previous employers, Ebay, probably believe that the restaurants in Dublin are deathtraps due to the frequency with which I called up to say I had food poisoning.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 11:53 am
Ah the good old ‘may not actually be true, therefore we cannot be sued’ inverted commas. You can’t beat ‘em.
Except with accurate, true statements, but let’s not be boring about this.
The best excuse I ever used to get out of work was:
‘I can’t make it in because I’m being pursued by a cadre of ninjas who know black magic.’
April 2nd, 2008 @ 11:54 am
And the Bertie thing obviously.
His best excuse for skipping work was: I’m lodging so much money I don’t even know what the total is.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 12:00 pm
ooh, I like the ninjas excuse MMN. very believable.
How about
“I was summoning a demon, but my protective circle was damaged by one of my gremlins, and there was quite a battle! Anyway I can’t come in today because I’m regenerating my magical power.”
April 2nd, 2008 @ 12:01 pm
McDara in the Lebanon will be phoning in “sick as a parrot” – First Parnell, now Ahern. Oh Ireland, how could you ?
April 2nd, 2008 @ 12:01 pm
adios Bertie
April 2nd, 2008 @ 12:02 pm
Martin,after some reflection, your right i was a bit harsh,so i have decided to change some of the words.
Ebola to Pinkeye
Neocon wankers to Big headed cunts
Hows that?
April 2nd, 2008 @ 12:14 pm
Stomach bugs and food poisoning are a particular favourite of everyones as you can get over them in a day and come back to work looking a million bucks after your day of bliss.
This was something my ex boss was tuned in to which proved to be to his detrement because I was forced to turn these 24 hour bugs into 2 or 3 day illnesses for added credibility.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 12:24 pm
‘im not feeling at all good leaking from north and south holes, wont make it in today’ – not to many questions get asked after that
April 2nd, 2008 @ 12:41 pm
That does keep the questions at bay.
As does “a bit of a family crisis” said in a stern tone.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 1:03 pm
I used to know a girl who could cry on demand. Not only would she use this to call off work but when her boss asked her to do something shitty she would burst into tears and mumble “cris at home”. My boss at that time was a gentle hearted buffoon and fell for it every time.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 1:06 pm
girls are cunts, they can do either the emotional-teary thing or the woman-issue thing? If a man calls in sick the boss usually guesses he’s just hungover. (and he’s usually right)
April 2nd, 2008 @ 1:16 pm
Nonsense, you silly men. Girls never ring in sick.
And ‘girls are cunts’? Pfft. The neeerve of ya.
I have one major issue with Bertie resigning.
Surely it means that we will now have to look at many, many more pitures of Brian Cowan, with close ups of his lips…
http://www.thechancer.ie/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/brian-cowen-conference.jpg
Sorry, don’t know how to do links in comments.
And when I did a search for ‘brian cowan’, it said ‘related searches, mary harney’. No shit!
April 2nd, 2008 @ 1:17 pm
Oo, smart comments!
Smarter than me…
April 2nd, 2008 @ 1:24 pm
I once called in sick and then went off to Manchester for a week with a frisky blonde bird who seemed rather fond of me. I realise that this does not add to the debate, I just wanted you all to know.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 1:25 pm
Nice wee film from dogmedia about ringing in sick with ridiculous excuses, well worth a watch.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4523690733963493419&q=ringing+in+sick&total=593&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0
April 2nd, 2008 @ 1:49 pm
Maggot I am not sick as a parrot but I do think its a shame that after 30 years service most of it Good including Lord Mayor of Dublin, Minister of Labour, Finance and Taoiseach that he had to go in the way he did.
Anway you reep what you sow so all in all Im sure he expected it.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 2:13 pm
Having listened to Berties well worded speech I’m reminded of an english 18th Century politician who stated -
“I may have been bribed but I was never corrupted”
April 2nd, 2008 @ 2:15 pm
Pattherat,thanks very much for commending me on my story telling ability.
maybe you had to be there, and you were not.
You’re story was not to shabby either.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 2:18 pm
Oh another thing-
If you have a hard night/weekend coming up then start coughing or moaning about how bad you feel.Sex it up real good.
Your boss will think you are a bit of a trooper for coming in at all and will believe you when you call in sick.
Works everytime
April 2nd, 2008 @ 3:50 pm
Hey PattheRat, you’ve got to be sure to keep count on which inlaws are the subject of the ‘family crisis’. Nobody wants their bluff called by a fucking attendance nazi in work. 19 aunties and -2 uncles etc.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 3:56 pm
No you see the stern face should deem the term “family crisis” enough in itself – no need for any more casualties
April 2nd, 2008 @ 4:06 pm
Only 138million? that sounds small really.
how much has people spending their days at work browsing the internet cost?
April 2nd, 2008 @ 4:29 pm
“Hi, I’ve used up all my sick days so I am calling in dead.”
April 2nd, 2008 @ 4:41 pm
I was never any good at the stern face. Fighting back a smirk was the best I could do
April 2nd, 2008 @ 4:51 pm
This tart with massive knockers who used to sit across from me got a week off claiming she felt weirded out. Some people have great imgination.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 5:04 pm
“I once called in sick and then went off to Manchester for a week with a frisky blonde bird who seemed rather fond of me.”
Going shopping with your mammy doesn’t count.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 5:06 pm
MacDara – he was lucky he was allowed to go the way he did. Any ordinary guy would have been dragged off, charged on spec, fired and lost his pension rights.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 5:06 pm
I think I’ve used the excuse of my car not starting at least once in each job I’ve been in over the past 5 years at least. Mind you my car IS a piece of shit.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 5:16 pm
Alright which one of you jokers has posted Berties job on recruit Ireland?
April 2nd, 2008 @ 5:17 pm
“Weirded out”… explain? I take it your supervisor or whatever is male, yeah?
April 2nd, 2008 @ 5:30 pm
I take it you’re dense
April 2nd, 2008 @ 5:31 pm
No, just helping a simpleton fit in
April 2nd, 2008 @ 5:40 pm
when you’re living with your parents on a farm, the “a cow was calving” excuse is f*cking priceless.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 6:03 pm
Maggot: bitterness does not suit you
April 2nd, 2008 @ 6:07 pm
I used to take so many sick days that in the end I used to call in well.
April 2nd, 2008 @ 9:22 pm
Ye should all come and work in the HSE. If you get sick while you are on your holidays you can claim those days were not actually annual leave! Drank too much in Malaga….next day sick, ate dodgy calamari….sound,thats not an annual leave either. Who needs excuses!
Of course you have to be a wanker to actually do it but there are plenty of those around.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 9:23 am
Maggot @ 79
Heh
My ma has never been to Manchester and the only time I ever had contact with her lady garden, I was only passing through.
April 3rd, 2008 @ 4:53 pm
“Someone spiked me with acid,so i can come in….the phones melting into my hand ..hello-hello…Can you hear me” (True Story)
I had a sound manager at the time so i got away with it..
April 4th, 2008 @ 1:42 am
“I can’t come in today, I’m due in court later.”