“Oh fuck”, said Dirty Dave as we sat in Ron’s. “Look who’s just come in.”
I turned around there was Catchprase Ken, the man who uses catchphrases all day long.
“Hello hello”, he said.
“Yeah, hello”, muttered Dave.
“Nice to see you, to see you nice!”, he roared.
“Whatever…”, said Jimmy.
“Ron, I’ll have a martini please. Shaken, not stirred.”
Ron gave him a pint of Guinness.
“So what’s been going on, you crazy guys? Or should I say ‘Waaaaaasuuuup?!”
“Nah…”, I said. Nobody else said a thing. The silence was painful.
“Don’t make me angry guys! You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!”, he said.
“Can you not just talk like a normal person?”
“Watchooo talkin’ about, Twenty?”
“Fucking hell.”
“People love the way I talk. Believe it … or not.”
“One day somebody will just get fed up and kill you.”
“They could try but I would foil them. You see, I have a cunning plan. And you know I love it when a plan comes together.”
“Shut up.”
“Do you like my watch? There’s one for everyone in the audience.”
“I said shut up.”
“Come on Twenty, resistance is futile.”
That was enough for me. I calmly finished my pint, stood up, stretched, smashed the glass into his face and used a long shard of it to slice his femoral artery. After he bled to death on the floor the place was silent, Ron tutting at yet another clean-up he didn’t really want, until Dave spoke quietly.
“Oh my God” he said, “you killed Kenny.”
What a cracker!! It’s the way you tell ‘em
CLICK CLICK DURK
omg…
I’m off to file a return with me priest- I want that minute or so back. Cunt.
you bastard……..
nice one twenty !!
I don’t believe it!
Nice
Oh, bollocks…!
Ha ha. Nice one centurion.
would you ever “get up the yard”
He’s my wife now Dave.
There are six million stories in the naked city. This has been one of the worst.
Because that’s the catchphrase from South Park…. ahahahahahaha
geebag
its good but its not right
oh holy jesus twenty, you know whats going to happen now don’t you? you’re going to get an avalanche of shitty catchphrases for the rest of the day.
May the force be with you.
Arggghhhhhh….
Boom Boom Boom, Another One Bites The Dust!
It does my heart good when you tell stories in this vein Twenty!
p.s. did you get charged for the glass ?
I was on a packed bus yesterday, and I think I accidently brushed up against that hitman friend of yours Twenty.
He looked me straight in the eyes, and said,
“Are you feeling Lucky, punk?”
see theres the difference right there. Thats a blatant lie Monkey Balls, that whole story was created just to get that punchline in. Who would stoop so low?
Oh sorry. The rest of the stuff here is all true then, is it? Just as well you told me, before I posted the exact same comment again.
Then again, I suppose you get nothing for a pair.
Impressed – you didn’t use the word c*nt once!
PS – just finished your book, well done, very impressed.
Hope all the people in the cheap seats who read this blog have done the decent thing and bought a copy of your book. The least they can do for reading your stuff for free for the last 3 years.
I haven’t bought his book. It is a model to be €1.99 soon enough. Maybe then. Maybe not. No offence, Twenty.
Ha!
Hey! It’s April Fool’s Day today, and all we get is stupid catchphrases?
I don’t believe it!
Apologies to Hangar Queen for repeating your splendid comment.
I am not worthy.
Continuing the theme – there will be plenty of copies of the book in circulation soon!
What’s that maggot? Have you put them on playground roundabout or something?
I’m having terrible trouble trying to think of more catchphrases, so I’m going to head down to Eason’s to see if they have a book of them.
I’ll be back.
I have nothing to say.
Silence is golden.
The less said the better.
Fuck off cunts
Say what you see, if you see it – say it
Femoral artery Monkey Balls?
Does my “heart” good
in this “vein”
“circulation”
You “clot” !
Is that your final answer?
we dont want to give you that
Well, yeah, but no, but yeah….
Is Kenny dead as well?
Is Jimmy really gone forever.
Are there goin to be a lot of Bollixes at the funeral?
Is this an April Fool’s gag?
Can Sam resist the temptation to act like a school teracher??
Watch this space!
Respect ma authoritah!
The drainage in the lower field
Smashin’, lovely, super.
Let’s see what you would have won.
Conversation overheard between two bunches of unemloyed poodle-topped American AOR musicians;
“I don’t think we’re in Toto anymore, Kansas.”
D’oh!
excellent
where’s me washboard?
how queer!
i was very, very drunk
but I’m a lady!
What a load of auld shit
Ooh! suits you sir
This is boring
yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but no but
As I said to the Burly taxi driver in Leopardstown “Stepaside Butch!”
Hee.
Good one.
I was waiting for him to use one of the horrible lines from Austin Powers.
The next time I hear “yeah, baby” or “oh, behave” there will be blood.
…Roy Walker was given the job of interviewing potential witnesses; he sat them down and asked them to cast their minds back and…
“Say what you see”
the most horrible film ever.
“Dude, where’s my car?”
Dude.Sweet.Dude.Sweet. Ad infinitum.
Good one 20. I was curious who would be the predictable one to come up with “Are you feeling lucky, punk” and sure enough it was Monkey Balls. Nice one Cyril.
Hey Smithee, what sort of smug prick are you? It’s a genuine question.
SG. It was a gentle affectionate ribbing of MB. So fuck off you smartarsed cunt.
Gentle affectionate ribbing? Sap.
OK. Leave it at that.
Yeah, let’s.
I am disturbed about Bono being a tax exile.
Hewson, we have a problem …
SCRAP SCRAP SCRAP!!!!
and the edge too….good evans!
Of all the gin joints,
in all the towns,
in all the world,
He had to walk into Rons….
Say it again, SAm
Say it again Sam
Shit
Sorry, Pat, you’re either quick or you’re dead
If you only had a heart
Is play it again Sam, the most famous misquote from any movie?
Yes
I’m mad as hell, I’m not gonna take any more
This is shite. I’m going, i’m not reading anymore of these shite comments, but
I’ll be back
hasta la vista
me pop now
jesus, i can really kill a conversation. sorry about that. i hereby resign forever from posting comments anywhere on the net. seriously, i’m knocking it on the head. see yiz…
your cant go supergover, cos, cos, its your baby
Aaadriiiaannnne
Good to see SuperGrover & Alan Smithee agreed to a truce
But can they handle the truce
I pity the fool that just logs on now & has to read all this shite
Jesus, somebody stop me …
No, I’m serious now
Crazy fool, I’m not reading no crazy fool
So cold…so very cold.
Peadar,
If ya can’t say somethin’ nice, don’t say nothin’ at all…
aargh!!! someone shoot me please…
I am busy finding out where the fat ugly cunt lives.
Right, I’m back from the pub, and I have a load of cans chillin’ in the fridge. My Man is dropping ’round within the next hour with an ounce of the finest hash, so if you don’t want to be subjected to the most convoluted and excruciating puns and lame jokes, please….
…look away now.
The greatest trick Catchphrase Ken ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. And like that…he’s gone…
*NL takes a bow*
And MB picks up an arrow.
Hits NL in the eye.
Super, Smashing, Great!
Why do these things always run out of steam after 5pm?
Our survey says…
Unimaginative CUNTS!
Top answer!
Sorry about your eye, NL. You could have been a contender.
MB, you need to wait a cotton-pickin’ minute thar, boy. You can’t be waving arrows around in the comment box. You’ll have someone’s eye out. There’ll be tears before bedtime, mark my words.
89 comments… well, I did laugh once, I’ll admit.
More importantly MB
Keep out of the black and into the red, you don’t get anything for two in the bed
You wouldn’t want to use Jim Bowen for accountancy or sexual advice thats for sure
Never going to take a bow when Monkey Balls is around. It seems to cause violence.
Backs to the wall time.
The crack of dawn would want to be careful around him. Deviant
Never going to take a bow when Monkey Balls is around. Correct
It seems to cause violence. Correct
The crack of dawn would want to be careful around him. Correct
Deviant Correct
Backs to the wall time Attak-a-tak-a-tak-a-tak-a-tak!
“you killed my mother……….you killed my father…………..YOU KILLED MY PEOPLE!!!!!!!.”
“must have been when I was young”
James Earl Jones rocks.
DONKEY!!!
Re comment 22 – yep, it’s got to be a first.
dead or alive you’re coming with me.
Murphy. It’s you!
I’d buy that for a dollar!
why the femoral? why not the carotid?
save time and energy