Just go left, then right…
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on March 31st, 2008
Did you ever have a conversation with a taxi driver about the terrible state that Pakistan is in?
I did. Oh, man. Seriously, that was some awesome fun. How it’s just a few loonies in the mountains spoiling it for everyone. I tried to remain non-commital as I actually don’t give a fucking fuck about Pakistan but then he started going on about suicide bombers and doctors and how Musharraf was going to get fucked up.
Realising that I had nothing to add to this conversation I tried to steer it to things that were easier to talk about, like monkeys fisting gnus or 9 year olds marrying 30 year olds for revenge but he wasn’t having any of it. Madness.
He said his mother rang him and begged him to go to his brother’s wedding last year but he refused. He said it was because there were too many mentallers.
This is a taxi driver who has not looked in the mirror recently. Still, he was quite entertaining in his way.
This new world confuses me at times.
Why do Pakistanis say no with their head when agreeing and yes with their head when disagreeing? this makes them seem shifty!
March 31st, 2008 at 4:32 am
Cab drivers should never speak.
March 31st, 2008 at 7:39 am
1
…or drive.
March 31st, 2008 at 7:41 am
2
I find all Taxi Drivers fascinating, I once got a cab from Sandyford to Blackrock and he didn’t stop swearing the whole journey. His unremitting swearing was something I can only aspire to.
March 31st, 2008 at 8:42 am
3
Purile, I believe I may have had the pleasure of that driver on Saturday night. It wasn’t even the swearing that impressed me the most, but the delivery.
March 31st, 2008 at 9:24 am
4
So I assume this taxi driver was actually a pakistani then?
How long do you reckon their new elected president/prime minister will last?
I reckon he’ll be dead within a few months…
March 31st, 2008 at 9:31 am
5
If he was the same one he is brilliant and deserves the biggest tip in the world, to refer to someone as a “fuckin useless culchie” on the basis of a kerry numberplate and non-use of the indicator is sheer class.
March 31st, 2008 at 9:31 am
6
I once heard all about the merits of carrying an iron bar beneath the driver’s seat for meting out justice to those who did not follow that particular taxi driver’s code of honour.
However, given the recent taxi driver murder, perhaps you can’t argue.
Landlords and landladies are mentalists too. I have no idea why.
A girl I know of, in her early twenties, recently got a taxi home to south Dublin. The driver parked somewhere out of the way, got in the back, locked all the doors and was going to rape her. She started to cry and said ‘do what you have to do, just don’t hurt me’.
He said ‘Jesus, I can’t do this’ - as if he felt he should!? and drove her home. The scary thing is, I’m not sure if she reported it.
March 31st, 2008 at 9:35 am
7
cnut is right, they’r all fuckin retards.
March 31st, 2008 at 10:09 am
8
Many years ago, I went home to the hills one weekend with mates from the big city, we went out in town, had a skinful… We all got in a cab…fifteen minutes later cab pulled up outside our house, in the sticks.. It was only when we got into the house that we realised that none of us had spoken to the cab driver in Welsh or English throughout the journey.. but he knew exactly where i lived. Cue music..
March 31st, 2008 at 10:20 am
9
Creepy music or sentimental music? Had he been stalking you or was he just a dedicated cab driver?
I had that with a friend’s dad once - when he heard my name he knew my address. Turns out he was a postman.
Just as well he wasn’t a guard.
March 31st, 2008 at 10:29 am
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Listen up you sack of shit, us taxi drivers are the relics of auld dacency, so unless you want an iron bar lodged through your forehead, shut the fuck up
March 31st, 2008 at 10:34 am
11
I would go mental if I was a cab driver…lets face it it must be soul destroying to pick up pissed wankers all night and have to listen to the same drivel from your passengers. Hats off to them for getting me home on many a night, and often being entertaining. London cabbies on the other hand are generally cunts to a man.
March 31st, 2008 at 10:35 am
12
I know a girl who keeps ringing up this creepy taxi driver to give her a lift home whenever she gets pissed.
He’s blatantly sleazy all of the time and calls her sexy and asks her to come into his house and things.
She keeps insisting he’s harmless but I’ve heard a few too many dodgy stories to be that trusting.
March 31st, 2008 at 10:35 am
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The only thing new is the fact that we all get to hear about the mental things people are doing to each other. That and new and improved techniques for doing it.
March 31st, 2008 at 10:43 am
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A taxi driver criticising someone else for not using an indicator???
What the fuck does this subliminal message shite thingie do?
By the way does anyone want to buy a copy of the Book? I finished mine and its worth a read for the vast array of insane methaphors and similes - Or however the fuck you spell those.
I also have 10 spare copies, I’m not sure why. I just felt compelled to go down and buy spare copies, in case something happened to my original copy. I cant explain this compulsion…
I read mine cover to cover in the jacks for added atmosphere…
Thanks for the laughs TM!!
March 31st, 2008 at 11:08 am
15
Snarf.
I only get into cabs that have a Padre Pio sticker on the window
Bleed Chumlies..bleed
Fuck off copy cat. If I wanted an imitator I’d call up the Independent.
March 31st, 2008 at 11:12 am
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Ah, twenty. Was just looking at that site meter thingie..
Why the fuck are you not advertising, and fuck the book writing.
i suppose that kind of language doesnt help….
SAm
March 31st, 2008 at 11:13 am
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He said his mother rang him and begged him to go to his brother’s wedding last year but he refused. He said it was because there were too many mentallers.
This is a taxi driver who has not looked in the mirror recently.
his driver’s mirror ?
I gt a mni cab in London that was beingdriven by an Afghani - marvellous chap - the cab was plastered with sacred hearts, rosaries ( steering weel and mirror) and sundry sacred medals and pictures of the Pope - I assumed he would be a left footer, but he assured me he was muslim - he worried it would be seriously bad luck to clear out the memorabilia. Best bit of the journey was when he got lost and stopped the cab on the Hammersmith flyover to consult his A to Z. Horns started blaring in nanoseconds.
March 31st, 2008 at 11:15 am
18
i enjoyed the book but…
1. Why was jesus driving a mondeo in Dalkey?
2. What the fuck is a tire Iron??
3. Does anybody want to buy a copy?
your help would be appreciated
March 31st, 2008 at 11:16 am
19
I would go mental if I was a cab driver
“go” mental PP ? You’re already up there with Hannibal Lecter.
March 31st, 2008 at 11:16 am
20
It could be a lot worse,did you ever get a cab with an irish driver? And listen to the cunt moan about how hard things are and how there is no money in the game any more and how the blacks are fucking it up for them,yet he still turns up in his poxy skoda every day.Well my heart bleeds for you robbing fucking cunts.Why is it when i get in a cab with a black driver its always cheaper than with a white one??????? Looks like the gravy train is drying up for you thieving cunts thanks to our African brothers….anyone know where i can buy one?
March 31st, 2008 at 11:35 am
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You fucking ignorant disrespectful shower of tools. Why are you offering to lend out a book that the host is selling?
March 31st, 2008 at 11:44 am
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For Sale.
2,OOO copies of Twentys book.
Suitable as arse paper or recycling
Would prefer to sell as one lot, they are taking up a lot of room in Twentys D4 conservatory.
March 31st, 2008 at 11:45 am
23
Ah, Mr Rat.
I was being sarcastic. As ever.
I didnt really buy 10 copies either.
That was a joke in relation to the Subliminal message thing.
My copy is not for sale. Its up on the shelf beside my Ross O Carrol Kellys.
Now anything else we need to explain to you Rat??
March 31st, 2008 at 11:49 am
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By the way (on topic - Surprise Surprise) I worked the bar at a function for 1,500 taxi drivers once, and didnt make a penny in tips. So never feel bad when waiting for your change. They dont tip themselves..
March 31st, 2008 at 11:51 am
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I once shared a taxi home with a girl (wahey) who lived out the same direction as I did. After the taxi driver dropped her off he reset the meter and said that mine was a completely new journey and fare. After heated exchange I jumped out of the taxi.
Feeling peeved that I had a loooong walk ahead of me I exacted my retribution by not closing the door after me - fuckin rebel eh! Obviously from his roars this mean and as it turns out mental cunt didnt take lightly to having to close the door himself.
As I walked on feeling I had caused the fat red headed bastard some discomfort I heard his car behind me picking up quite a lot of revs so I turned around only to see his car coming for me full throttle.
Into the gripe I lept as he swerved for me only just saving my life basically.
I had to wait in the field until he I was sure he wasnt returning to do me in.
Now he was mental (as his subsequent sojourn in the Nut-house confirmed)
March 31st, 2008 at 11:55 am
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1500 taxi drivers must have been a right cacophony, do they shout at each other like they the do other road users? When they ordered drinks you should have taken the money and then run out the venue as fast as possible, thus making them feel they had done a run to Finglas.
March 31st, 2008 at 11:58 am
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Ah that’s fair enough Sam. Just in case I’m missing something though is there anything funny about that Fifty Major chappie?
March 31st, 2008 at 11:59 am
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ha ha PP,
Or if one had given me a fifty I could have huffed and puffed about only having come out, and where am I supposed to get change Fer DAt???
(Sorry Roy by the way - There are loads of sound drivers, Im just slagging)
March 31st, 2008 at 12:01 pm
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No Rat, there is nothing funny about that fifty major chap.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:02 pm
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Dublin taxi drivers are a microcosm of humankind. You never remember the nice ones, only the cunts
March 31st, 2008 at 12:23 pm
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There are no nice ones their ann cunts!
March 31st, 2008 at 12:25 pm
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hehe satchmo, i think i had exactly the same driver, he just moaned non-stop about how he barely made any money and that his wife had left him and blah blah blah.
most depressed taxi driver I ever came across.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:28 pm
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OK maybe humankind is exaggerating GOS?? No? Maybe a microcosm(I had to look that up) of Dubs??
March 31st, 2008 at 12:29 pm
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Are they fuck a representation.There is not one of them as sound as me. Then again I am one of a kind.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:33 pm
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That was a response to GOS just in case you start spelling out to me that I am not a Dub and I have to use this site for organising a fist fight with you Sam
March 31st, 2008 at 12:35 pm
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I thought therat was a dublin name actually..
March 31st, 2008 at 12:36 pm
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No way Pat. I’m sure there’s a bear taxi driver who transformed into a rat overnight out there somewhere.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:37 pm
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who let you out of your cage…
March 31st, 2008 at 12:39 pm
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Can transform to bear at will and no cage can hold the rage
March 31st, 2008 at 12:43 pm
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HEAD RAMBLES, if your out there, if you can hear me… Good Blog but, I’m fucked if I can put up with waiting for your to moderate my comment… and I dont need 9 mins to change my comment either. Just ask Twenty major he will testify that none of my comments ever appear to have any time or thought put into them …
March 31st, 2008 at 12:44 pm
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no I meant who let Monkey Balls out of his cage. You see he had just made his first comment of the day. And my comment about the cage immediately followed his.
See.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:46 pm
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and hes a monkey.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:47 pm
43
They live in cages.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:47 pm
44
So do some rats and bears.
See you patronising cunt
March 31st, 2008 at 12:51 pm
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wasnt being patronising. was being antagonistic. But i had a kitkat and Im ok now.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:54 pm
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They live in cages.
I think most of them live in trees
March 31st, 2008 at 1:08 pm
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And Monkey Balls is clearly out of his tree most of the time
March 31st, 2008 at 1:16 pm
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Twenty, so this is what you spend your time doing. Tis outrageous, just wait till yer mother gets home. Feckin cunt
March 31st, 2008 at 1:20 pm
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I’m a slippery monkey. No cage can hold me, and I fall out of trees regularly.
March 31st, 2008 at 1:20 pm
50
I’ll bet Lucky Luciano is a happy man today!
March 31st, 2008 at 1:28 pm
51
I looked up Lucky on Wiki ( http://tinyurl.com/224uvp ),
and apparently he had his last happy day back in 1962.
March 31st, 2008 at 1:34 pm
52
Monkey your not one of the rolling stones are you? It makes sense, only a rock star or a writer would have that much free time…
March 31st, 2008 at 1:37 pm
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If I told you what I did, I could end up in prison. Let’s just say that my hours are irregular, and leave it at that.
March 31st, 2008 at 1:39 pm
54
or a civil servant
March 31st, 2008 at 1:40 pm
55
But Pat, I’d have to get up out of bed for that.
March 31st, 2008 at 1:43 pm
56
Has anyone else noticed that Twenty goes missing every day from about 12 till 4? I think he must have an afternoon job, and can only think of 2 possibilities:
(a) he’s a cleaner in a primary school after all the kids have gone home, or
(b) he’s Grainne Seoige
March 31st, 2008 at 1:44 pm
57
I think you will find that MB is the root of all evil in the new Ireland. He is the sole perpetrator of all the heinous events we read about every day in the gutter press.
March 31st, 2008 at 1:45 pm
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Wrong again PP. I am enjoying the benefits of the most ingenious scam ever devised. I wish I could share it, really I do.
March 31st, 2008 at 1:47 pm
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he’s Grainne Seoige
That’s a dreadful slur - the fragrant Grainne wouldn’t know the sort of language Twenty uses. Or about fisting gnus.
He could be Eamon Holmes or Gloria Hunniford.
March 31st, 2008 at 1:50 pm
60
I’d ride Grainne Seoige but I wouldn’t ride 20
March 31st, 2008 at 1:57 pm
61
Did you not see the picture of Twenty receiving his award? It’s more likely that he’s that gorilla who hides in his cave most of the day in Dublin Zoo.
March 31st, 2008 at 1:58 pm
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That “cave” is Ron’s bar !
March 31st, 2008 at 2:11 pm
63
Twenty, when you get back in from slinging shit at the other monkeys, will you confirm my suspicion that comment #64 wasn’t you?
March 31st, 2008 at 2:28 pm
64
Maybe he turns into his “author” alter ego? He puts on his cravat, shrugs on his smoking jacket and sticks a Major in a cigarette holder and goes mincing round town extolling the virtues of Irelands great literary history
March 31st, 2008 at 2:36 pm
65
Maybe he’s a pole-dancer, doing the lunchtime shift?
March 31st, 2008 at 2:41 pm
66
What does it matter what nationality a dancer is??
March 31st, 2008 at 2:50 pm
67
Maybe because of his new found wealth he has become a scientologist, and goes into town to do personality tests on witless passers by.
March 31st, 2008 at 2:59 pm
68
それは私に重要で、私は日本語である
March 31st, 2008 at 3:03 pm
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Please tell me MB san , are you one of those cock munchers that has japanese characters stencilled on your customised Punto?
March 31st, 2008 at 3:05 pm
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Y’see SAm, it does matter!
March 31st, 2008 at 3:06 pm
71
read this on saturday..not sure if i ‘m impressed or if it’s aload of bollix
http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/b2fbf85e-fb8e-11dc-8c3e-000077b07658.html?nclick_check=1
March 31st, 2008 at 3:06 pm
72
私はトヨタを運転するpunto ではなく
March 31st, 2008 at 3:08 pm
73
Are you sure you put up the correct link there Itchy?
March 31st, 2008 at 3:14 pm
74
People who impersonate other people on blogs are really sad cunts. I haven’t been here all day.
Now, Bald Devil, you sad, sad cunt. Go get fucked.
March 31st, 2008 at 3:19 pm
75
Where were you?
March 31st, 2008 at 3:29 pm
76
“Where were you?”
What are you? his fucking wife?
March 31st, 2008 at 3:34 pm
77
If he’s Grainne Seoige he doesn’t have a wife.
March 31st, 2008 at 3:36 pm
78
If he’s a scientologist he is probably committed to Tom Cruise.
March 31st, 2008 at 3:40 pm
79
If he’s a gorilla, I’ll have him.
March 31st, 2008 at 3:43 pm
80
forget taxi’s, what about the bird somewhere in the uk, who used dial 999 to take her home, she did it bout a 100 times before she got caught!
March 31st, 2008 at 3:44 pm
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Fuck you PP ya cunt.
I’m actually his husband.
People impersonating is very sad.
Was that bald devil impersonating FMC as well?
What a sad cunt
March 31st, 2008 at 3:46 pm
82
D’ye reckon he was Fifty Major as well?
March 31st, 2008 at 3:47 pm
83
I’m on an international mission scouting locations for the new book.
Or I was in town all morning. Take your pick.
March 31st, 2008 at 3:50 pm
84
I asked BD if it was him impersonating FMC yesterday, and he says it wasn’t. I believe him. He gets the blame for everything, doesn’t he?
March 31st, 2008 at 3:51 pm
85
I asked BD if it was him impersonating FMC yesterday, and he says it wasn’t. I believe him. He gets the blame for everything, doesn’t he?
Ye, it comes with being a irritating prick
March 31st, 2008 at 3:55 pm
86
Some taxi drivers are complete loolaaa’s as bertie would say.
I sense a bit of tension on the blog; is everybody ok?
March 31st, 2008 at 4:02 pm
87
The irony of it is, he enjoys getting the blame for everything. Unfortunately, he’s not the only irritating prick. There’s plenty of them who post here.
And anyway, isn’t he banned?
March 31st, 2008 at 4:03 pm
88
I can do lots of impersonations. I especially like my one of Twenty when he was a little fellah, say about 7, and still pooing himself
March 31st, 2008 at 4:13 pm
89
Twenty’s Da, did I read that correctly? You enjoy doing an impression of a 7yr old pooing himself?
No wonder your son turned out to be the degenerate he is.
March 31st, 2008 at 4:19 pm
90
Worst taxi driver I ever had was Russian…..got into a dispute with him re: which entrance to leave me off at at Grand Central Station…and there I was, thinking that I had a choice in the matter……
March 31st, 2008 at 5:15 pm
91
The driver I had in Dublin was sooo weird, I couldnt understand his dublin accent. He kept nudging me and saying something about him being the dad, me being the mum and my comatose friends in the back being the waynes. Then he was going, AHAHAHA and slapping my leg for comic effect. I cant remember a sentence I managed to understand except this “Getting Drunk were ya, loike it did ya, any noice fellas are yeh ahh feck government building over there, MONSTROSITY!”. Didnt stop to catch a breath.
When we stopped at lights somewhere on the way to the airport, this woman started banging on the door trying to sell something and he was like FEEECK OFFF! and swearing and going mental telling me lets run her over and take her stuff and then nudging my thigh and going “HAHAHAHA, look at the kids in the back”.
March 31st, 2008 at 5:22 pm
92
Oh My God! Mary Ann, you were in grand central station!
Like in the Movies???
Wow! tell us more, was he a Russian spy??
March 31st, 2008 at 5:53 pm
93
I sense a bit of tension on the blog; is everybody ok?
I’m fine itchy, thanks for you concern. you cunt.
March 31st, 2008 at 5:59 pm
94
Stop telling Bald Devil to fuck off please, because when you do, he takes refuge over at my site..he’sbeginning to scare the regulars.
I know some bloke who’s a taxi driver and he swears he gets about 5 blowjobs a week from women who’d rather not pay.
I don’t believe him because he’s a disgusting prick. And also because he’s a taxi driver, which means he’s a lying cunt too.
March 31st, 2008 at 6:21 pm
95
How many taxi drivers have I meet up in Phuket Thailand.
The fuckers tell me they work in Dublin for 6 months then fly to Thailand for the other 6.
Seems like no chick would touch a taxi driver in Ireland ..wouldnt blame them ..
March 31st, 2008 at 6:47 pm
96
Do you not love us all anymore bald devil?
March 31st, 2008 at 7:52 pm
97
Comments deleted. I do wish he’d just fuck off and find some other sandpit to piss in.
March 31st, 2008 at 7:56 pm
98
Don’t know why he’s imitating me, don’t think I ever said a bad word about him, the brain dead cunt.
March 31st, 2008 at 8:21 pm
99
I’ve had to start moderating my comments again :(
pain in the arse
March 31st, 2008 at 9:08 pm
100
A Taxi Driver who is up on geo-political hotspots, that’s not rare is it, I thought they knew everything. That said, I’m surprised he didn’t blame the problems in pakistan on the romanians, they blame everything else on them
March 31st, 2008 at 11:20 pm
101
Home Rule means Romanian Rule ?
March 31st, 2008 at 11:55 pm
102