I awake. My head hurts. My back hurts from sleeping at a funny angle. I go downstairs. Open the back door. The dog comes in. I step outside. It’s chilly. The cat is sitting in the middle of the garden playing red rocket. I hate to think about where he puts that red rocket.
What if he went to the zoo and impregnated a hippo? A throatripping hippo that could climb trees and swipe you with its razor sharp claws. Definitely not something I want to be responsible for. The destruction of mankind brought about by my cat and his mickey. And let’s face it, throughout time man has faced some challenges. War, famine, disease and the Hothouse Flowers but we have learned to cope. This would be different.
Where there’s one Thrippo, there’d be soon many more. And something that size that could move with such speed and consume such huge amounts of food that it would take our place at the top of the food chain. We, the hunters, would become the hunted and stuff. We like to think our guns would save us but they would adapt. Perhaps they’d interbreed again with an armadillo and become armor-plated Thrippos. Then where would we be? Oh, the humanity.
I look at the cat, his red rocket glistening in the sun and I know I could stop it right now. One swift trip to the vets (once I’d managed to fool him into thinking we were going to the park to hunt deer again) and the threat would be nullified.
But then I think, fuck it. Thrippos would be fucking cool.
Aw, he’s just a pussy really
Caught my dog trying to impregnate a goat once! Offspring wouldn’t have been as cool as a Thrippo tho.
Love your work, Major, even if you are a mindless consumer!
Sounds like your on a bad trip
a fearsome pussy with a gaping maw – the harneysaurus got there before you. thankfully no one has been brave enough to breed with it… yet
That ruined my day porridge!
Scary musings. Armour plated thrippos. I’ve written a children’s book about a hippo loose in the zoo (sort of) and this is so not where I went with it. I really shouldn’t be here.
How about an armour-plated sabre-toothed woolly thrippo?
You’d have to have a yak in the mix there somewhere, then.
If we are in Jurassic Park mode today, the thought of pterodactowls scares the crap out of me!
Scary pterodactowels? You must not be putting enough fabric conditioner in with yours.
don’t cats have spines on their cocks so that the female can’t escape during sex. (it’s also why they’re so loud when they’re . . . copulating)
According to Wikipedia:
The male cat’s penis has spines which point backwards. Upon withdrawal of the penis, the spines rake the walls of the female’s vagina, which may cause ovulation.
Fuck twenty i reakon someone spiked your drink with acid last night…….
take more take more.
sorry about messing up your comments last night, tried to give a little Html tutorial… and your site just didnt like it…
No worries…
Thanks for trying Far cry
I figured it out in the end.
With help from maggot and Twenty
Morgor – you are not very wise
“armour-plated sabre-toothed woolly thrippo?”
He’d be armour plated or woolly, but not both! How do you get woolly armour plate
He could be whatever he wanted to be. Don’t be so negative…
Yeah. What do we want? Empowerment for wooly armour plated thrippos. When do we want it? Now!
OK no showing of Now Mr Balls…
off even..
look at the picture on the front of the times today. watch http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com and then look at the picture again…..bertie you are a wankstain
I’m trying to imagine what a woolly armour-plated thrippo would look like, but just keep getting an image of Richard Dunne in a Báinín jumper…
I couldn’t agree more Peadar
Are the Hothouse Flowers really Throatripper’s bastard progeny?
I always figured him for much younger.
fuck it/>
Peadar have you spent the whole weekend roaring drunk, and now your a little horse…
it worked this time>
and shaz thanks for leading me that link, and now I am on the CIA files, and will never get into DisneyLand…
Without the gaps
shit. Jesus lads type html tutorial into google and youll get a squillion sites
just trying the italics thingy.
I was drunk most of the weekend but it seems like the dubs had all the fun. Ya can’t beat a good riot
I saw a chihuahua raping a black cat years ago. So not cool.
Our two beasties will be getting fixed as soon as possible. Omar’s already done a bit of humping.
how many in a squillion?
whats html?
what day is it?
Isn’t it bad luck to rape a black cat
Omar’s already done a bit of humping.
Does he bat for the other side like the ‘real’ Omar?
heh, Peadar.
Well, it’s not very lucky for the cat
why can’t you be armour-plated and woolly?
like the polar bears in the golden compass.
Cats + Red Rockets = Halloween
Look it up!
just been reading your book in the toilet (where else?), and read the most important line of the book, for me…
i finished my pint down in one large gulp, put on my hat and left
Phew!
Had hoped you werent one of those indoors-woolyhat-wearing people…
I would have had to send you a large poster of Glen Hansrad in his favourite brown corduroy jacket, with friendship bracelet in full view!
It’s a Fedora Sam
With a feather in it
Was it as bad up there yesterday as the papers are saying? carjackings, fires, a rampaging mob of 100 youths. A typical paddys day then, eh?
just drives me crazy, guys sitting in pubs looking sickly with those stupid fucking woolly hats on… why would anybody wear a hat indoors???
I am not sure if Bob Dylan is fair game though?
Also it seems Leonard Cohen is acceptable..
However at the weekend a well known irish singer made a special performance for Mr Cohen, at a birthday party for him(75 i think) This Irish singer(who we wont name)said
If I could float away on a baloon with the music of just one artist it would be yours…
-roughly what he said, I cant be arsed googling it…
The person who we wont name is of course Damien Rice
Having been fortunate enough so far to have never heard anything by this alledged Mr Rice cunt, I myself will not contribute, but I suggest a Balloon Fund be set up immediately.
Think of the children.
PO Box MONK3Y, The Square Carpark, Tallaght
We could send him up in a balloon, and then make sure it’s attacked by pterodactowls
Medbh, that’s some story. I would like to have seen David Attenborough commenting on that. Unlucky for hte cat – hee.
Send him on the right day, with the correct amount of fuel, and he’ll end up in Alaska. Then the batteries on his MP3 player will run out.
C’mon, who’s gonna set the ball rollin’, eh?
PO Box MONK3Y, The Square Carpark, Tallaght
The thing is – O is actually a pretty decent album. Well, I like it anyway.
Am i barred now?
Suspend all operations ’til I download ‘O’
Look what I found; http://www.mininova.org/tor/1202192
I like it too.
I was scared to admit it till now but woowoo gave me the courage.
Go on you can do it too. Ye all can.
Just take a deep breath and say “my name is twenty and I like O”
Yeah, “O” is actually pretty good.
You’ve got a secret bunch of Rice-worshippers in your very own house Twenty.
How far does the rot go?
It’s just like the book, everyone’s getting infected…quick, start hummimg Kung Fu Fighting
What the fuck is going on here? You utter cunts…
Small man stands up
“Hello, my Name is Woowoo, and I wooed my last girlfriend with “O”.
Cheers Damo – best 3 years of my life”!!
Round of applause from a mix of odd people and a rousing “Hello Woowoo” is the battle cry.
You’ve got a secret bunch of Rice-worshippers in your very own house Twenty.>
I wouldn’t go that far
fuck it
fun with HTML
I wouldn’t go that far
i’ve never listened to anything else by DR apart from “o” though
Peadar, following your comments at the moment is like watching a guy trying to put up a tent in a gale force wind. Forget the italics & all that stuff & just say what you mean
sorry
i can’t believe how fast that torrent is flying in. Fastest, Torrent, Ever!
I shall report back in the morning. (Twenty’s taste in music has always been dubious, to say the least.)
that’s probably because its such good music MB.
Is there any acoustic festivals on soon?
Monkeyballs, best sit on the sofa and no distractions (spliff optional). Think verge of suicide stuff.
I know a few people with guitars….
I’ll judge it myself. I don’t expect to be converted though. I’m a junglist this week.
Or better yet, get into your car, drive as fast as you can into a wall and spend the rest of your life in a semi-vegetative state.
It’d be more enjoyable.
I’m on a Shoegaze trip at the moment!!!
I like that song that goes something like, “papa went to other lands and he found someone who understands”, I think that’s Damien Rice anyway, could be Cliff but not really cause he is the beast (666). Your cat should mate with Cliff Richard and breed demonic angels of sin.
older chests?
there’s something truly delightful about having a chat about Damien Rice on this blog.
I wonder why . . . .
ye its funny.
I can sense twentys rage
No, no you can’t.
I have indigestion.
Hopefully a ciggie will shift it.
Scary thought – it’s not just cats who are reflex ovulators – there is evidence that some women are reflex ovulators!
Best leaving email this year. Hot off the press. Headed up “goodnight sweetheart” Believe it or not it managed to find it’s way into the senior mangagers inbox, who of course was the object of the venom. Lauging my cock off.
to continue the song … “Well its time to go”
I know your jealous, it’s ok, really, your allowed because I’ve been jealous whenever someone I’ve known (well liked anyway) has left. To be fair, we’re all to blame for being stuck here, but the main gripe has always been the lack of direction from the stars above.
Stars. Makes you think of bright lights guiding the ships of the past on their perilous journeys, ensuring their safety and requiring the respect that only mariners have of their heavenly guardians. Well, without waffling on too much in metaphoric craziness, we all know the management here are a bunch of fuckwits, capable only of deluding themselves into thinking they have the interests of the Desk and Users at heart.
NB: a reality check for those this mail isn’t meant for but see it regardless: the last sentence is synonymous with sarcasm. Look it up tossers.
If I could make a wish upon a star it would be for the people who know what’s going on to take control and tell everyone else to shove it where the sun don’t shine. If we all had the balls (ladies: whatever fits) to stand up to the oppression, it would be a laugh to say the least possibly resulting in a change of regime as per the recent adventures of Mr Hawkings and his delightful disciplinary.
Quotes: Give the wrong people too much power and they only fuck it up
I’ll withhold the genius who spoke that gem, but it was today and rings true with the tone of this message. In short, I’m a little too tippled to fully articulate the kind of wit that would compliment an email of this type but given the integrity and character of those addressed, I’m sure you can all adlib as appropriate and make sure that the legacy of rebellion lives strong.
ps Just one more quote which I received whilst typing this which I could harldy exclude …
Suzie you’re a wh0re and you only got where you are because you’ve big t1ts and the thighs of a rugby player!!
Prizes if you guess who said that which I’ll confirm if you see me again …. ”
Laters
My brother read your book in about 4 hours yesterday. His skin almost morphed around the toilet seat like that woman in America….
I didn’t know my words had such power, Pinkie.
What the fuck is that pile of crap, DogsCock?
Whatever the fuck you want it to be Master.
Who would have thought that you were the kind to spend his day looking at his cats cock! You better get back to Ron’s.
Red rocket?
I’m sure Throatripper’s a real tom’s tom and all but I think you might be talking him up a little there. Red liquorice comfit, maybe.
I intent on reading every word of the book, with my bottom perched upon the porcelain Throne, the only place its humour can be fully appreciated..
It’s a proper rocket, prochibri (that’s your condensed name). A proper one.
Sam C – that’s the best place for it, no question.
Reflex ovulating – yes, I heard about this! Beware if you’re having an affair – a woman in an unsatisfactory relationship may ovulate spontanaeously if they sleep with someone else they really fancy, as their body seizes on the chance to be impregnanted by a man they respond to more. I’m sure it’s all in the pheromones.
It explains that pregnant after a one night stand dilemma people may find themselves in. The programme I heard about also suggested you could ovulate more than once a month in this situation – adulterers beware!
Just get Throatripper fixed: I think the adoption rate of homeless armour-plated sabre-toothed woolly thrippos from the animal shelter will be low.
Haha, I stumbled across what the thrippo will look like http://gizmodo.com/368651/new-video-of-bigdog-quadruped-robot-is-so-stunning-its-spooky
Ahh, I hate the bee noise and its legs move like people do!
Santa Claus you cunt, where’s my fucking Thrippo?
Who the fuck are you calling a cunt? I will shit down your fucling chimney on 24th December…be warned
Well could ya follow it up with a Thrippo?
Offspring of cat, with Ivory on it’s butting region? We’d all need armour plated boxers. Put it down Twenty, for the love of God put it down.
Jeezus Christ, why didn’t anyone warn me? I downloaded that Damien Rice anthology during the night, and lo and behold, what do I find festering on my Hard Drive this morning?
Song titles like;
Be My Husband
Sex Change
Me, My Yoke, And I
Woman Like A Man
I’m not fuckin’ listening to that kinda shit, -no way!
Now excuse me while I format my Hard Drive. You sick bastards!
Serves you right, you cunt. I said it enough times.
Song titles like;
Be My Husband
Sex Change
Me, My Yoke, And I
Woman Like A Man
I’m not fuckin’ listening to that kinda shit, -no way!
I don’t think thats Rice. And it’s definitely not ‘O’
Damian Rices long lost bronx based gangsta cousin!
I think I know where you might find a Thrippo.