Playing God
I awake. My head hurts. My back hurts from sleeping at a funny angle. I go downstairs. Open the back door. The dog comes in. I step outside. It’s chilly. The cat is sitting in the middle of the garden playing red rocket. I hate to think about where he puts that red rocket.
What if he went to the zoo and impregnated a hippo? A throatripping hippo that could climb trees and swipe you with its razor sharp claws. Definitely not something I want to be responsible for. The destruction of mankind brought about by my cat and his mickey. And let’s face it, throughout time man has faced some challenges. War, famine, disease and the Hothouse Flowers but we have learned to cope. This would be different.
Where there’s one Thrippo, there’d be soon many more. And something that size that could move with such speed and consume such huge amounts of food that it would take our place at the top of the food chain. We, the hunters, would become the hunted and stuff. We like to think our guns would save us but they would adapt. Perhaps they’d interbreed again with an armadillo and become armor-plated Thrippos. Then where would we be? Oh, the humanity.
I look at the cat, his red rocket glistening in the sun and I know I could stop it right now. One swift trip to the vets (once I’d managed to fool him into thinking we were going to the park to hunt deer again) and the threat would be nullified.
But then I think, fuck it. Thrippos would be fucking cool.
March 18th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Aw, he’s just a pussy really
March 18th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Caught my dog trying to impregnate a goat once! Offspring wouldn’t have been as cool as a Thrippo tho.
March 18th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Love your work, Major, even if you are a mindless consumer!
March 18th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Sounds like your on a bad trip
March 18th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
a fearsome pussy with a gaping maw – the harneysaurus got there before you. thankfully no one has been brave enough to breed with it… yet
March 18th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
That ruined my day porridge!
March 18th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Scary musings. Armour plated thrippos. I’ve written a children’s book about a hippo loose in the zoo (sort of) and this is so not where I went with it. I really shouldn’t be here.
March 18th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
How about an armour-plated sabre-toothed woolly thrippo?
March 18th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
You’d have to have a yak in the mix there somewhere, then.
March 18th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
If we are in Jurassic Park mode today, the thought of pterodactowls scares the crap out of me!
March 18th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Scary pterodactowels? You must not be putting enough fabric conditioner in with yours.
March 18th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
don’t cats have spines on their cocks so that the female can’t escape during sex. (it’s also why they’re so loud when they’re . . . copulating)
March 18th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
According to Wikipedia:
The male cat’s penis has spines which point backwards. Upon withdrawal of the penis, the spines rake the walls of the female’s vagina, which may cause ovulation.
March 18th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Fuck twenty i reakon someone spiked your drink with acid last night…….
take more take more.
March 18th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
sorry about messing up your comments last night, tried to give a little Html tutorial… and your site just didnt like it…
March 18th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
No worries…
March 18th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Thanks for trying Far cry
I figured it out in the end.
With help from maggot and Twenty
March 18th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Morgor – you are not very wise
“armour-plated sabre-toothed woolly thrippo?”
He’d be armour plated or woolly, but not both! How do you get woolly armour plate
March 18th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
He could be whatever he wanted to be. Don’t be so negative…
March 18th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Yeah. What do we want? Empowerment for wooly armour plated thrippos. When do we want it? Now!
March 18th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
OK no showing of Now Mr Balls…
March 18th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
off even..
March 18th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
look at the picture on the front of the times today. watch http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com and then look at the picture again…..bertie you are a wankstain
March 18th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
I’m trying to imagine what a woolly armour-plated thrippo would look like, but just keep getting an image of Richard Dunne in a Báinín jumper…
March 18th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
March 18th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I couldn’t agree more Peadar
March 18th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Are the Hothouse Flowers really Throatripper’s bastard progeny?
I always figured him for much younger.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
fuck it/>
March 18th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Peadar have you spent the whole weekend roaring drunk, and now your a little horse…
March 18th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
it worked this time>
March 18th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
and shaz thanks for leading me that link, and now I am on the CIA files, and will never get into DisneyLand…
March 18th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Without the gaps
March 18th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
shit. Jesus lads type html tutorial into google and youll get a squillion sites
March 18th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
just trying the italics thingy.
I was drunk most of the weekend but it seems like the dubs had all the fun. Ya can’t beat a good riot
March 18th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
I saw a chihuahua raping a black cat years ago. So not cool.
Our two beasties will be getting fixed as soon as possible. Omar’s already done a bit of humping.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
how many in a squillion?
whats html?
what day is it?
March 18th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Isn’t it bad luck to rape a black cat
March 18th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Omar’s already done a bit of humping.
Does he bat for the other side like the ‘real’ Omar?
heh, Peadar.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Well, it’s not very lucky for the cat
March 18th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
why can’t you be armour-plated and woolly?
like the polar bears in the golden compass.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Cats + Red Rockets = Halloween
Look it up!
March 18th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
just been reading your book in the toilet (where else?), and read the most important line of the book, for me…
i finished my pint down in one large gulp, put on my hat and left
Phew!
Had hoped you werent one of those indoors-woolyhat-wearing people…
I would have had to send you a large poster of Glen Hansrad in his favourite brown corduroy jacket, with friendship bracelet in full view!
March 18th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
It’s a Fedora Sam
March 18th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
With a feather in it
March 18th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Was it as bad up there yesterday as the papers are saying? carjackings, fires, a rampaging mob of 100 youths. A typical paddys day then, eh?
March 18th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
just drives me crazy, guys sitting in pubs looking sickly with those stupid fucking woolly hats on… why would anybody wear a hat indoors???
March 18th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I am not sure if Bob Dylan is fair game though?
Also it seems Leonard Cohen is acceptable..
However at the weekend a well known irish singer made a special performance for Mr Cohen, at a birthday party for him(75 i think) This Irish singer(who we wont name)said
If I could float away on a baloon with the music of just one artist it would be yours…
-roughly what he said, I cant be arsed googling it…
The person who we wont name is of course Damien Rice
March 18th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Having been fortunate enough so far to have never heard anything by this alledged Mr Rice cunt, I myself will not contribute, but I suggest a Balloon Fund be set up immediately.
Think of the children.
PO Box MONK3Y, The Square Carpark, Tallaght
March 18th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
We could send him up in a balloon, and then make sure it’s attacked by pterodactowls
March 18th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Medbh, that’s some story. I would like to have seen David Attenborough commenting on that. Unlucky for hte cat – hee.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Send him on the right day, with the correct amount of fuel, and he’ll end up in Alaska. Then the batteries on his MP3 player will run out.
C’mon, who’s gonna set the ball rollin’, eh?
PO Box MONK3Y, The Square Carpark, Tallaght
March 18th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
The thing is – O is actually a pretty decent album. Well, I like it anyway.
Am i barred now?
March 18th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Suspend all operations ’til I download ‘O’
March 18th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Look what I found; http://www.mininova.org/tor/1202192
March 18th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I like it too.
I was scared to admit it till now but woowoo gave me the courage.
Go on you can do it too. Ye all can.
Just take a deep breath and say “my name is twenty and I like O”
March 18th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Yeah, “O” is actually pretty good.
You’ve got a secret bunch of Rice-worshippers in your very own house Twenty.
How far does the rot go?
March 18th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
It’s just like the book, everyone’s getting infected…quick, start hummimg Kung Fu Fighting
March 18th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
What the fuck is going on here? You utter cunts…
March 18th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Small man stands up
“Hello, my Name is Woowoo, and I wooed my last girlfriend with “O”.
Cheers Damo – best 3 years of my life”!!
Round of applause from a mix of odd people and a rousing “Hello Woowoo” is the battle cry.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
You’ve got a secret bunch of Rice-worshippers in your very own house Twenty.>
I wouldn’t go that far
March 18th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
fuck it
March 18th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
fun with HTML
I wouldn’t go that far
i’ve never listened to anything else by DR apart from “o” though
March 18th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Peadar, following your comments at the moment is like watching a guy trying to put up a tent in a gale force wind. Forget the italics & all that stuff & just say what you mean
March 18th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
sorry
March 18th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
i can’t believe how fast that torrent is flying in. Fastest, Torrent, Ever!
I shall report back in the morning. (Twenty’s taste in music has always been dubious, to say the least.)
March 18th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
that’s probably because its such good music MB.
Is there any acoustic festivals on soon?
March 18th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Monkeyballs, best sit on the sofa and no distractions (spliff optional). Think verge of suicide stuff.
March 18th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
I know a few people with guitars….
March 18th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
I’ll judge it myself. I don’t expect to be converted though. I’m a junglist this week.
March 18th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Or better yet, get into your car, drive as fast as you can into a wall and spend the rest of your life in a semi-vegetative state.
It’d be more enjoyable.
March 18th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
I’m on a Shoegaze trip at the moment!!!
March 18th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
I like that song that goes something like, “papa went to other lands and he found someone who understands”, I think that’s Damien Rice anyway, could be Cliff but not really cause he is the beast (666). Your cat should mate with Cliff Richard and breed demonic angels of sin.
March 18th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
older chests?
March 18th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
there’s something truly delightful about having a chat about Damien Rice on this blog.
I wonder why . . . .
March 18th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
ye its funny.
I can sense twentys rage
March 18th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
No, no you can’t.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
I have indigestion.
Hopefully a ciggie will shift it.
Scary thought – it’s not just cats who are reflex ovulators – there is evidence that some women are reflex ovulators!
March 18th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Best leaving email this year. Hot off the press. Headed up “goodnight sweetheart” Believe it or not it managed to find it’s way into the senior mangagers inbox, who of course was the object of the venom. Lauging my cock off.
to continue the song … “Well its time to go”
I know your jealous, it’s ok, really, your allowed because I’ve been jealous whenever someone I’ve known (well liked anyway) has left. To be fair, we’re all to blame for being stuck here, but the main gripe has always been the lack of direction from the stars above.
Stars. Makes you think of bright lights guiding the ships of the past on their perilous journeys, ensuring their safety and requiring the respect that only mariners have of their heavenly guardians. Well, without waffling on too much in metaphoric craziness, we all know the management here are a bunch of fuckwits, capable only of deluding themselves into thinking they have the interests of the Desk and Users at heart.
NB: a reality check for those this mail isn’t meant for but see it regardless: the last sentence is synonymous with sarcasm. Look it up tossers.
If I could make a wish upon a star it would be for the people who know what’s going on to take control and tell everyone else to shove it where the sun don’t shine. If we all had the balls (ladies: whatever fits) to stand up to the oppression, it would be a laugh to say the least possibly resulting in a change of regime as per the recent adventures of Mr Hawkings and his delightful disciplinary.
Quotes: Give the wrong people too much power and they only fuck it up
I’ll withhold the genius who spoke that gem, but it was today and rings true with the tone of this message. In short, I’m a little too tippled to fully articulate the kind of wit that would compliment an email of this type but given the integrity and character of those addressed, I’m sure you can all adlib as appropriate and make sure that the legacy of rebellion lives strong.
ps Just one more quote which I received whilst typing this which I could harldy exclude …
Suzie you’re a wh0re and you only got where you are because you’ve big t1ts and the thighs of a rugby player!!
Prizes if you guess who said that which I’ll confirm if you see me again …. ”
Laters
March 18th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
My brother read your book in about 4 hours yesterday. His skin almost morphed around the toilet seat like that woman in America….
March 18th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
I didn’t know my words had such power, Pinkie.
What the fuck is that pile of crap, DogsCock?
March 18th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Whatever the fuck you want it to be Master.
March 18th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Who would have thought that you were the kind to spend his day looking at his cats cock! You better get back to Ron’s.
March 18th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Red rocket?
I’m sure Throatripper’s a real tom’s tom and all but I think you might be talking him up a little there. Red liquorice comfit, maybe.
March 18th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
I intent on reading every word of the book, with my bottom perched upon the porcelain Throne, the only place its humour can be fully appreciated..
March 18th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
It’s a proper rocket, prochibri (that’s your condensed name). A proper one.
Sam C – that’s the best place for it, no question.
March 18th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Reflex ovulating – yes, I heard about this! Beware if you’re having an affair – a woman in an unsatisfactory relationship may ovulate spontanaeously if they sleep with someone else they really fancy, as their body seizes on the chance to be impregnanted by a man they respond to more. I’m sure it’s all in the pheromones.
It explains that pregnant after a one night stand dilemma people may find themselves in. The programme I heard about also suggested you could ovulate more than once a month in this situation – adulterers beware!
March 18th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Just get Throatripper fixed: I think the adoption rate of homeless armour-plated sabre-toothed woolly thrippos from the animal shelter will be low.
March 18th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
Haha, I stumbled across what the thrippo will look like http://gizmodo.com/368651/new-video-of-bigdog-quadruped-robot-is-so-stunning-its-spooky
Ahh, I hate the bee noise and its legs move like people do!
March 18th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Santa Claus you cunt, where’s my fucking Thrippo?
March 18th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Who the fuck are you calling a cunt? I will shit down your fucling chimney on 24th December…be warned
March 18th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Well could ya follow it up with a Thrippo?
March 19th, 2008 at 12:05 am
Offspring of cat, with Ivory on it’s butting region? We’d all need armour plated boxers. Put it down Twenty, for the love of God put it down.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Jeezus Christ, why didn’t anyone warn me? I downloaded that Damien Rice anthology during the night, and lo and behold, what do I find festering on my Hard Drive this morning?
Song titles like;
Be My Husband
Sex Change
Me, My Yoke, And I
Woman Like A Man
I’m not fuckin’ listening to that kinda shit, -no way!
Now excuse me while I format my Hard Drive. You sick bastards!
March 19th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Serves you right, you cunt. I said it enough times.
March 19th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Song titles like;
Be My Husband
Sex Change
Me, My Yoke, And I
Woman Like A Man
I’m not fuckin’ listening to that kinda shit, -no way!
I don’t think thats Rice. And it’s definitely not ‘O’
March 19th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Damian Rices long lost bronx based gangsta cousin!
March 20th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
I think I know where you might find a Thrippo.