[Insert Jingle Here]
Posted on | March 12, 2008 | 131 Comments
“It’s 8.47am, here are your news headlines.”
The drink drive limit has been lowered. Big swinging mickey. The only thing it’ll do is make it easier for the Gardai to catch some fish in a barrel, morning after drivers.
That Scissor Sister lost an appeal against her conviction. She stabbed the bloke upwards of twenty times but apparently contested the conviction based on some comments made by the judge. Fuck off, you miserable geebag.
The Cheltenham festival is on. Fuck that. Cunts going over and getting pissed up while betting on horses. Horses are cunts. They’d molest you like an Irish poet as quick as they’d look at you.
The Port Tunnel was closed yesterday because a truck’s wheel went on fire. It has to be the worst tunnel of all time. It’s always fucking closed.
A teengager is in custody in relation to the two Polish men who were killed in Drimnagh. Good enough for the little cunt. If they charge him they should round up all his poxy little friends who know exactly what he did and charge them with obstruction as well. And anyone else who kept their mouth shut about it.
A man found with 9 hard drives plus 20 CDs and DVDs of children as young as four being raped was sent to jail for 3 years yesterday. 3 fucking years. Good behaviour, such as it is, and the revolving door system we have means he’ll be out in no time. Still, he tried to be good about it. He told police he deleted any images in which the child was crying or distressed. Obviously crying children aren’t that sexy. Poxy cunt. I hope he gets ruined in prison.
Thousands of homes across the country are without electricity after last night’s storm. Frankly, I don’t give a fuck once mine is working.
And finally for today, tonight’s lottery jackpot is in the region of €15m. If any of you cunts gets my winning ticket I swear I’m going to hunt you down and shoot you like a horse.
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March 12th, 2008 @ 8:40 am
Sore head this morning twenty? or have you just seen your book sales figures?
March 12th, 2008 @ 8:44 am
And in today’s Irish Times you will see apicture of your favourite, Damien fucking Rice, with Laughing Leonard cohen. How the fuck did that happen!!
March 12th, 2008 @ 8:47 am
I don’t fucking care anymore my girlfriend spunked good money on Neil Young tickets, she deserves to be lambasted at a national level.
March 12th, 2008 @ 8:54 am
You’ll be happy to hear that Cheltenham is now off.
March 12th, 2008 @ 8:58 am
I will apologise in advance Mr Major for winning “your” jackpot. Not that an internationally published best selling author like yerself needs money. Surely pursuing your “art” will sustain you?
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:00 am
Art my hoop. Give me the money.
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:07 am
thanks a fucking bunch twenty. I was in good mood this morning. Im win that lottery and give all the money to skangeraid. The charity helping skangers to be even more skangery and fucking rotten.
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:09 am
Recession must be settling in nicely. We are back to doing what we know best – Whinging about every fucking thing and doing fuck all about it. Twenty, I have to say, you’re a cunt!
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:10 am
And good on Damien Rice. As his fellow ginger said “Make art, yeah make art!”
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:12 am
Fuck Damien Rice, the cunt. I have it on good authority that he used to be in an Enigma covers band.
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:16 am
Enigma cover band? I heard you used to follow Aslan all round Ireland and still tell everyone that they should’ve cracked the US.
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:17 am
No, I said they should have taken US crack…
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:18 am
“Whinging about every fucking thing and doing fuck all about it”
And what the fuck do you propose we do? Try using democracy and the same government get in anyway,. Perhaps we should set up a Bronson based vigilante group and take out the scum?
Suggestions on a postcard please to PO BOX Pat The Rat
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:18 am
Cathal “I really loves ‘em, I do”, poxy cunt with child sex tapes, teenagers with screwdrivers, and all their hoodie pals, Damien Rice, Scissor Sister One, Scissor Sister Two, Scissor Mammy – a formal queuing system and industrial mincer … oh, and Paul Williams and every scumbag with a conviction AND a nickname … I could go on but I think I’ve burst something in my head.
It hurts, Twenty, it hurts …
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:22 am
Be positive man! Try and make a difference! Vote me as leader! Send your money to PO BOX PattheRat!
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:33 am
Pattherat – do you accept sterling?
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:38 am
Yeah Pattherat, I believe London Tim made a killing at Cheltenham, and wants to leave a small deposit in your money-maker.
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:39 am
Can you do half and half Sid, only it takes seventeen days to clear the sterling…
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:42 am
Couldn’t we just share ?
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:47 am
“wants to leave a small deposit in your moneymaker”
That’s a euphimism I have not heard before.
Is London Tim into copriphilia?, that’s bad news indeed!!
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:50 am
Couldn’t we just share ?
You know, even if I won 1/3 of the jackpot tonight I couldn’t help but feel a bit bitter towards the other two winners.
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:50 am
Worst Tunnel ever ? Have you a favourite ? Mine is the one at Pont de l’Alma in Paris.
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:52 am
Worst Tunnel ever ?
Toss up between Paris Hilton and Britney Spears
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:54 am
“copriphilia”? I don’t think so. I’ve never heard of that one. Tim’s more into coprophilia. Otherwise, why would he have ended up here?
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:54 am
Leave Britney out of this you cunt!
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:55 am
Is Mick Hucknall still alive ?
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:57 am
MB apologies for spelling…Maggot lets face it the Port tunnel is closed more often than Britneys “tunnel”
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:57 am
Watched that poet in Nepal thing last night. Turned to the missus at the end and said “Do they have girls too?”. I thought it was a good line. I was on my own on that score.
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:58 am
Is Mick Hucknall still alive ?
As the father of a tennage daughter, I hope the fuck not
March 12th, 2008 @ 9:58 am
You’ve neglected to mention the fact that Mary Harney received shotgun cartridges in the post on Monday.
Unfortunately the bright spark didn’t include the actual shotgun and the shooter.
March 12th, 2008 @ 10:03 am
Mick Hucknall now owns a rather salubrious bar in Manchester. I think he also has something to do with the Blood & Fire record label that re-issues old Reggae classics.
I’ve forgiven him.
March 12th, 2008 @ 10:06 am
Just had a look that their site – King Tubby, Horace Andy reissues. Jaysus, I used to want that ginger cunt dead. Now I’m not so sure.
March 12th, 2008 @ 10:08 am
SuperGrover, I would’ve been with you, until the Blood & Fire label came into being. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING on it is a bonafide classic.
If only there were more like him.
March 12th, 2008 @ 10:11 am
“If only there were more like him”
What ginger kiddy fiddlers?
March 12th, 2008 @ 10:20 am
Ginger kiddies deserve all the fiddling the get.
Which is none.
March 12th, 2008 @ 10:20 am
“they” get
March 12th, 2008 @ 10:25 am
you should do a summary of the news every morning twenty, I’d say you’d be less biased than fox news anyway.
How many books have you sold so far?
I was thinking about it yesterday, if a previous poster was correct and you get 22 cent for every book then you’d need to sell quite a few copies to make a good profit.
March 12th, 2008 @ 10:27 am
Blood & Fire or not, he’s still a geebag.
60′s Motown is as classic as it gets, but that doesn’t stop Berry Gordy Jr from being a thieving, corrupt, venal, greedy, child-groping fuckbag.
If he’s still alive, he should try to get elected here
March 12th, 2008 @ 10:32 am
what storm?
March 12th, 2008 @ 10:33 am
What’s that about the Scissor Sister? Must have had one of those moments of sudden insight where one goes “look at me, I’m crap & singing in a completely shite novelty disco parody raking in the big-bucks for some corporate juggernaut record label none of which trickles down to me AND I rimmed all those fat sleazebag producers to get here! Ahgh, I must stab someone!!”
March 12th, 2008 @ 10:43 am
I firmly believe March is the worst month of the year. Its a year for wind and storm, turmoil and unrest, death, treachery, St. Paddy’s Day and all that nonsense.
I like July!
and garlic,chillie prawns.
March 12th, 2008 @ 10:48 am
Ere wid ye Twenty – what date is that blog on the Air Traffic Controllers?
March 12th, 2008 @ 10:51 am
At least the worst of the storm is over, jaysus they made it sound like the end of the world.
March 12th, 2008 @ 10:57 am
Where is this Mick Hucknall = Paedophile crap coming from? Did I miss something?
March 12th, 2008 @ 10:58 am
The port tunnel is a load of shite. I was in Madeira in January and they have a gazillion tunnels and not one of them was ever closed. I even made a point of asking the guide about one tunnel, 2.2km! , if they had problems with closures for whatever reasons and she just laughed and said “No, that is just silly stupid Irish girl.”
Bloody Portugese.
And round up the little Drimnagh fuckers alright! Round them up and shoot them 1916 style. Little shits. Stabbed for not buying the retards their retarding juice.
March 12th, 2008 @ 10:59 am
NH you want to have been at my gaff last night. Howling wind and then the chainsaws start to cut up the tree that fell across the road and cut the power lines…all before 3.30am!!
March 12th, 2008 @ 11:15 am
Did you get a day off school after all that excitement? Maybe you could do your essay in English tomorrow about the Night We Had A Storm
March 12th, 2008 @ 11:25 am
Hey, PattheRat, I see you have a video now…
http://www.shoutfile.com/v/W5nFsSux/Seriously_What_The_Fck
March 12th, 2008 @ 11:29 am
in better news my arse has finally dried up and I can no longer shit through a colander without touching the sides……..
March 12th, 2008 @ 11:30 am
Hucknall’s bar is called ‘Barca’. Whatever he’s done with record labels does not save him from the beheading he so richly deserves.
March 12th, 2008 @ 11:32 am
He’s a ginge. What more do people want ?
March 12th, 2008 @ 11:33 am
I’m delighted to hear that Manuel. As are your customers, I’m sure…
March 12th, 2008 @ 11:45 am
Mokey balls: Mr Hucknall was involved in an underage sex scandal..I grant you its a bit unfair accusing him of being a paedo…but underage still means you go on the Sex Offenders register
March 12th, 2008 @ 11:46 am
Sorry “Monkey Balls”
March 12th, 2008 @ 11:48 am
Mick Hucknall is nothing short of a genius. You lot just don’t understand his Machiavellian style and tactics. Together with Steve Barrow, Bob Harding, Elliot Rashman and Andy Dodd he has brought some of the most wonderful music ever made to the masses.
Forget the Simply Red shite that you all bought* and regretted. It was necessary to fund the real Masterplan.
*Don’t pretend you didn’t!
March 12th, 2008 @ 11:49 am
err anyone click on that link, about the cunt with the porn. A picture of Con Houlihan looking like a dodgy old man appears with the title “Those who keeps a Child’s Sense of Wonder” appears. You have to scroll down to get the actual news article. …
March 12th, 2008 @ 11:55 am
I can fucking assure you, I never bought,borrowed, stole or downloaded anything that involved that Mancunian cock weasel
March 12th, 2008 @ 11:56 am
Mokey balls: Mr Hucknall was involved in an underage sex scandal..
Was he?
At this point I feel it necessary to point out my comments terms and conditions:
All commenters take full responsibility for their comments. Twenty Major is is no way responsible for anything they say. It’s all their own fault if they say something they shouldn’t.
March 12th, 2008 @ 11:56 am
Mick Hucknall is nothing short of a genius.
And you need your head examined.
March 12th, 2008 @ 11:59 am
Wasn’t he shagging the people’s princess ?
As we are discussing ghastly popsters – is that Beardsley lookalike Chris de Burger still alive ? He’s another cunt.
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm
PP, a tennage daughter, I like the sound of that, does she have ginger hair, was she born in Monaghan, has she got the Irish walk, do you believe in arranged marriages.
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:06 pm
Don’t worry, Twenty. No one will win the Lottery tonight. It’s fixed so that’ll it be won on Saturday, as it always is just before, or on, a major Holiday.
See if i’m right …
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:06 pm
Alive and kicking
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:09 pm
Hucknall was falsely accused of rape by a secretary in the 90s.
http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/hucknall%20contemplated%20suicide%20after%20rape%20claims_1059902
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:12 pm
Good Twenty, about time to shut the know all cunt up.
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:17 pm
Me, get my head examined?
Sure, no problem. Can I do it the day after you get your sense of humour reinstated?
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:20 pm
He was also linked to the underage model parties which got Epstein 18 months in jail for soliciting.(allegedely)
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:21 pm
And I allegedely fucked your ma!
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:22 pm
The only way to deal with child pornography is eliminate the market. Find all the fuckers like that sick gimp, kill them painfully and publicly: No more market.
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:23 pm
Not unless you served with the Argyle & Sutherland Highlanders in 1968 you cunt.
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:25 pm
PP, were they tennage models.
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:25 pm
I think it was probably yer own Ma.
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:25 pm
Can we drop the Hucknall models/scandal shit, please…
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:27 pm
Moving on – how about starting this up for your readers Twenty ?
Myself and my friends have a celebrity punch list. We have each vowed that we have to attack on sight, a celebrity that we picked from a well thought out list. All legal costs are to be covered by the group.
I got Patrick Keilty. I literally can’t wait.
http://www.belmsford.com/index.php?showtopic=5633&pid=174002&mode=threaded&show=&st=&
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:27 pm
Haha SuperBikerGrove that was way back when I was strapped for cash and resorted to making strange videos and of course fucking your oul lass.
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:28 pm
Yes teenagers, and I think underage relates to US state law which will be eighteen in some states( as a bit of perspective)
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:30 pm
Can it only be one celebrity? And is it done on a sweepstake basis?
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:32 pm
We’ll let Twenty think about it PP – but if it’s nominations, dibs Gloria Hunniford.
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:35 pm
Not Gloria, that would be extremely harsh given all of her charity work
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:35 pm
I have to apologise to you Pattherat. I thought you were the short stumpy one in the video.
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:38 pm
Nothing short or stumpy about me. Not even my stump!
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:42 pm
So then, you’re not Pattheshortrat.
Are you sure you’re you’re not Pat Shortt the rat?
You both use the same jokes.
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:43 pm
Do you a swap, Twenty. If I win the lottery, let’s pretend it was the cunt with the child porn who got it. I’ll give you a million if you hold the squirming bitch down while I cut off his scrotum and cock with a blunt pen-knife.
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:45 pm
PP, if not the tennage daughter your old biddy might do, what is she like?
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:46 pm
I have uncovered evidence that would suggest an new previously unknown dimension to his depravity
The man needs to be on some sort of list.
http://www.rathergood.com/bunny_too_tight/
http://www.rathergood.com/holding/
http://www.rathergood.com/mickey/
Ill never mention it again twenty I promise.
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:47 pm
Mosh, I’m intrigued. How does this become a swap?
Are you planning to do a swap with Ginger or Twenty?
No, no, don’t tell me. I just read the last line of your post again.
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:48 pm
Top marks for word play there MonkeyBalls you clever little jackanapes!
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:49 pm
Pat short – Pat the short rat. Oh for fuck sake the craic we had that day!!!!
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:52 pm
Quod Erat Demonstratum. Pat.
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:57 pm
Hucknall, My old biddy prefers regiments to scrawny ginger people so no go. If you need release try asking London Tim for some cottaging jackanapes
March 12th, 2008 @ 12:59 pm
Does anyone know what the deal is if somelike like the child porn bloke wins the lottery? Do they get to keep it?
March 12th, 2008 @ 1:01 pm
all of her charity work
allegedly. Dibs is Dibs.
March 12th, 2008 @ 1:03 pm
PP, no matter how wrong it might seem, I reckon there’s nothing that could be done. He’s been sentenced already. The only difference a Lotto win would make would happen before any trial. And for all the wrong reasons.
March 12th, 2008 @ 1:15 pm
So, let’s see , you are not being remanded and whilst out on bail during the trial you buy a lottery ticket and win 15million you get to keep it after you are found guilty and serve a poxy 3 years. Seems a bit fucking unfair.
The only saving grace is that victims could sue him for his new found wealth.
March 12th, 2008 @ 1:16 pm
Re Maggot’s earlier suggestion I bagsy Brian McFadden, just in case! I know I will need to be in early as I reckon there would be a punching queue for him.
March 12th, 2008 @ 1:22 pm
But the victims are most likely not local. He had the stuff on hard drives, CDs and DVDs. He didn’t produce it himself, did he? Was it not just stuff he downloaded?
I’m not too well up on the story myself. That sort of thing, even the reporting of it turns my stomach.
March 12th, 2008 @ 1:37 pm
“mephitic” – twenty’s fanciest word in his book so far!
March 12th, 2008 @ 1:43 pm
Re Maggot’s earlier suggestion: Does it have to be a really famous person, or can it be the wriggley chum of a ficticious character?
March 12th, 2008 @ 1:45 pm
Reasons to be cheerful
Neil Young is coming to town; saw him in Berlin 2 weeks ago; fucking amazing
The Fall are coming to town
Radiohead are coming to town
Iggy Pop is coming to town
Music is the food of love; hence I have a huge cock
have a nice day; vote yes in the Lisbon vote too
p.s. Gerry Ryan – i see his wife finally got sense.
March 12th, 2008 @ 1:46 pm
Morgor, just wait ’til you get to page 4.
March 12th, 2008 @ 1:49 pm
Itchy, I’ll see ya at The Fall. Leave your mickey dangling out so I’ll know it’s you.
March 12th, 2008 @ 1:59 pm
Itchy can you take care of my missus and her auld folks at Neil Young for me.
I am going to see the Eels on Paddies day which should be excellent going by past performances
March 12th, 2008 @ 2:05 pm
Next Thursday I’ll be at Hot Chip takin a yip.
March 12th, 2008 @ 2:06 pm
I’m going to see Jimi Hendrix in the summer. I’ve got cancer.
March 12th, 2008 @ 2:14 pm
Cancer of the funny bone!
March 12th, 2008 @ 2:24 pm
whatEVER
March 12th, 2008 @ 2:27 pm
Horses are cunts? What the fuck is wrong with you today ?
March 12th, 2008 @ 2:29 pm
Did you ever notice the disturbing fascination with horses that women have?
Is 10 Park Drive a woman?
March 12th, 2008 @ 2:41 pm
Just because every Gombeen in Ireland dons his ill-fitting suit, dry cleans his toupee and heads off to Cheltenham for four days of Whooping, Cheering and generally acting the cunt, does not mean that it is fair Game for your little morning rant. Slag them cunts, not the racing.
March 12th, 2008 @ 2:45 pm
I’ll slag what I want thank you very much.
March 12th, 2008 @ 2:49 pm
I’m off to get that Lotto ticket to which you referred earlier…
March 12th, 2008 @ 2:50 pm
…Thank you very much
March 12th, 2008 @ 2:51 pm
Watch out for them buses..
March 12th, 2008 @ 2:56 pm
Twenty, meant to ask, will you be claiming the “Artists’” tax exemption on your book earnings?
March 12th, 2008 @ 2:56 pm
How impressive is that? Not even 3pm and 113 comments.
March 12th, 2008 @ 2:58 pm
I think I’d be a fool not minimise my tax liability on the €45 I’m set to rake in, Conan.
March 12th, 2008 @ 3:04 pm
hehe.
March 12th, 2008 @ 3:09 pm
Did you hear about the two fourteen year olds and the sixteen year old in london who drugged a 25 year old womans drink and then filmed themselves while they raped her in front of her 2 children and then put it on youtube?
I’m tempted to get a flight over there and throw them in front of a train.
March 12th, 2008 @ 3:13 pm
Has Youtube stopped working or changed or whats the fucking story with it?
March 12th, 2008 @ 3:14 pm
All these rapists and creepy bastards… meh, a lot are products of all that themselves. Like this kid in a young offenders institute who is 15. He’s in there for raping his 8 year old brother. There’s tons of sexual abuse in his family, so what would you do?
March 12th, 2008 @ 3:19 pm
Rape the little fucker and teach him a lesson surely??
March 12th, 2008 @ 3:19 pm
good point crudmeister, is there anyway to cause amnesia? . . .
March 12th, 2008 @ 3:19 pm
no link, morgor?
March 12th, 2008 @ 3:31 pm
you’re some hoor supergrover.
hehe.
March 12th, 2008 @ 3:31 pm
thanks
March 12th, 2008 @ 3:35 pm
How I long for a grapefruit.*
*stolen.
March 12th, 2008 @ 3:41 pm
morgor the cunt ?
March 12th, 2008 @ 3:56 pm
why not.
March 12th, 2008 @ 11:23 pm
It was ME!
March 14th, 2008 @ 11:34 pm
[...] you check http://twentymajor.net/2008/03/12/insert-jingle-here/ to see what I [...]
March 18th, 2008 @ 7:37 pm
Maybe it should be renamed the port funnel or has that been done already.