Monthly Archives: March 2008
Just go left, then right…
Did you ever have a conversation with a taxi driver about the terrible state that Pakistan is in? I did. Oh, man. Seriously, that was some awesome fun. How it’s just a few loonies in the mountains spoiling it for … Continue reading
The constant struggle
Every fucking time it’s the same. No matter how hard you try there’s an obstacle in your way. What you want isn’t such a big deal in the grand scheme of things. It’s hardly relevant at all but it’s now … Continue reading
Fuck off…
…after reading this I’m going out to buy the cheapest, most inefficient, energy burning 100w bulbs I can buy and turn every light in my house on. I might even get one of those motion sensor lights that people have … Continue reading
Is Bertie under pressure?
Reading the papers this morning and they all report the Taoiseach is ‘under pressure’ to explain his personal finances which become less and less believable as each day goes by. But is he? Do statements like ‘What I am saying … Continue reading
*bring bring*
“Hello?” “Hi Twenty, it’s me. Dirty Dave!” “What is it, Dave? I’m really fucking busy today. This better not be one of your stupid phone calls”. “No no! I promise”. “Ok”. “Right, your whole entire family is being held hostage … Continue reading
Too much sound
Noise. Noise. Noise. You try and work around it. Focus. Concentrate. But all around is this piercing sound. You look down at the page in front of you. Why does it take so long to finish these things? You’ve done … Continue reading
Unreal
One quarter of Irish people believe female rape victims bear some responsibility for the crime, according to an opinion poll published this morning- source. Further proof, if it were needed, that at least one quarter of Irish people are fucking … Continue reading
Printer ink
My printer ran out of ink last week. I do need to print stuff from time to time. Like plane tickets or those anonymous threatening letters I send to newspaper editors and TV presenters. So I went into one of … Continue reading
I was just thinking…
…the perfect way to end the Tibetan struggle would be if the bloke who has the Olympic torch used it to burn down the whole fucking place as he passed through. Problem solved.
The name game
“Twenty”, said Dirty Dave, “if your name wasn’t Twenty and you had to choose from ‘Arthurbumfaceshitpants’, ‘Stretchedanusmanwithweepingsoresonhisanus’, or ‘Colin’, which name would you choose?” “Good question, Dave. And one I’d have to give some serious consideration to. You have to … Continue reading
“Twenty”, said Dirty Dave, “if your name wasn’t Twenty and you had to choose from ‘Arthurbumfaceshitpants’, ‘Stretchedanusmanwithweepingsoresonhisanus’, or ‘Colin’, which name would you choose?”
“Good question, Dave. And one I’d have to give some serious consideration to. You have to factor in when this name change would be made. I mean, if it were now it would be merely awkward to go to the bank and say ‘Excuse me, but I have to change the name on my account to Arthurbumfaceshitpants Major. Yes, I said Arthurbumfaceshitpants. What is your problem?’. I think I’m at an age where I would be able to cope with the obvious embarrasment. Sticks and stones and all that.”
“I see.”
“Of course that wouldn’t make it easy-peasy or terribly comfortable all the time though. Imagine if you went to visit a friend in hospital after he had been raped by a moose with a terrible infection on his moose cock which transmitted itself to the rectal passage of said friend and then when you got to the hospital and you said ‘Hello, I’m here to visit my friend. The moose guy. Yeah. My name? It’s Stretchedanusmanwithweepingsoresonhisanus Major. No, I’m not taking the piss, I swear’. See, that could be a bit awkward, couldn’t it? But I suppose as an adult you’d have to just get over it and get on with things.”
“That you would.”
“The real difficulty would be if you were transported back in time and you were in school again. You know how mean kids can be. Every perceived weakness is relentlessly slagged. Like ‘Haha, your Dad’s head’ or ‘Haha, you have a patch on your eye’ or ‘Haha, you have cerebral palsy’. Kids say the cruellest things. It’s natural, of course, it’s all part of growing up, but going back in time and being called ‘Colin’ would be a bit too tough. If ever there was a cunt’s name it was Colin. I’ve never met a Colin who wasn’t a complete and utter cunt. Colin Major. Jesus Christ. I’d probably just fuck off to Bridgend and kill myself if that was my choice. In fact I’d rather be called Damienrice Major than Colin.”
“Fucking hell!”
“Anyway, in conclusion it’d be Stretchedanusmanwithweepingsoresonhisanus Major for me, as the chances of either you or Pete being raped by a STD ridden moose are quite high indeed. What about you then? Which of those three names would you choose?”
“My middle is Mary, Twenty. I’ve had enough grief my whole life.”