The spire is a bit crap, but I have a plan
Last week, for the first time in ages, I had occasion to walk down O’Connell Street at night. While skillfully managing to avoid the drug hustlers, the eastern European mafia and these strange LED people that seemed to be following me up the street, I couldn’t help but notice the spire.
Now, I quite like the spire. I know lots of people didn’t, or possibly still don’t, but at least it’s something. It’s sticky-up and pointy and you can see it from miles away.
However, at night time it’s just a bit crap, isn’t it? This idea that beams of light were supposed to shoot from it’s tip were thwarted by the Corpo’s insistence on using regular 40W Solas bulbs. There’s a bit of light towards the top, and a bit reflected on the side, but for the most part it’s dark.
This thing is supposed to be a shining symbol of the nation’s capital. It should resound, it should be quite obviously ‘there’, it should glow and radiate and gleam and say “Here I am! I am the Spire! Now you, drunken sot, know where you are and which direction you need to stagger to get home”. Instead it’s dull and lifeless, sort of like an evening out with the members of The Panel.
I think that it should be updated, rejuvenated, revitalised and overhauled. It should glow like a 390 foot tall lightsaber. Pic below – click for big.
It should cast light across the city and, when you get close to it, it should make humming, buzzing lightsaber sounds. How fucking cool would that be? What a tourist attaction.
‘Come to Dublin. Visit the world famous Guinness brewery, the Phoenix Park, the book of Kells and come visit the world’s tallest lightsaber.’
Fuck me there would be enough planes for even Ryanair to bring the people to our fair shores. The hospitality industry needs to start a lobby group about this. If the spire was a lightsaber at night then pubs and bars and clubs and restaurants and hotels would be full to bursting with the people crying out for something new in their touristy lives.
The Colloseum? Old hat. Eiffel Tower? Passé. Sagrada Familia? They’ll never finish it. The Empire State building? Skyscrapers are ten a penny.
A 390 foot lightsaber? Awesome.
February 27th, 2008 at 11:00 am
It would be pretty cool alright. You could push skangers into it so they can meet the doom they so rightly deserve.
February 27th, 2008 at 11:11 am
yeah maybe spose dunno
February 27th, 2008 at 11:15 am
I’m very impressed. Your Photoshop skills are coming along nicely, and I’ve just finished The Book. It’s much, much better than I thought it was going to be, and I thought it was going to be quite good.
Does this mean that we’ll be getting pictures in the next one?
(Eason’s have The Book! It’s still on a fuckin’ trolley, waiting for one of the yappy cunts to put it on a shelf, but they have it. €8.99)
February 27th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Is Monkey Balls the first to finish it?
February 27th, 2008 at 11:20 am
and all the flies, moths, neds, spides, hoods, and street vermin could be zapped all in one go……get it fucking done……
February 27th, 2008 at 11:26 am
I was up all night. Getting paid €21.00 an hour. For reading The Book. Now I’m having a few cans, and a couple of joints.
Just thought I’d rub it in.
February 27th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Nuts. Someone did the flies joke.
February 27th, 2008 at 11:48 am
I love it.
No more training do you require. Already know you, that which you need.
February 27th, 2008 at 11:54 am
I cannot believe as an avid Star Wars fan I thought it was ‘lifesaver’.
February 27th, 2008 at 11:56 am
You’ll need smoke, lots of smoke, otherwise the light won’t be visible… once all the potheads get the idea it won’t be a problem.
February 27th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
I cannot believe that either nonny
February 27th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I can.
February 27th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I am a tool, but in my defence I’m rather deaf at times.
February 27th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Lifesaver, oh my. heh.
February 27th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Just came in on the Dart – guy sitting opposite kept laughing – you know, where you try not to laugh out loud & end up snorting snot out your nose? Eventually he read with one fingertip between his teeth to try to stop. Since my book was boring I tried to see what he was reading – and it was THE book!!!
Course, he also had headphones on, so maybe it was just that Pat Kenny was being especially droll this morning (we Irish don’t do unconditional praise)
February 27th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Just came in on the Dart – guy sitting opposite kept laughing – you know, where you try not to laugh out loud & end up snorting snot out your nose? Eventually he read with one fingertip between his teeth to try to stop. Since my book was boring I tried to see what he was reading – and it was THE book!!!
hah, that’s cool.
Glad you enjoyed it too, Monkey Balls. No pictures in the next one though.
February 27th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
I think they should turn it into a Round Tower kind of thingy like the Round Tower in Glendalough. I suppose what I’m trying to say is clad it in stone. As an added bonus it could be known as Ahern Tower, somebody should run it by him upon his return, he’ll love it.
P.S. Hell the BT A/c might even cover it, if a FAS scheme could be got up and running, anything is possible.
February 27th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
hmmm €8.99 ain’t bad at all.
I shall be strolling into town on saturday to get that methinks.
Although i already have about 4 books to read, plus several video games to finish and lots of films and episodes to watch. hmmmm.
February 27th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
that’s a cool idea twenty, although the eco-mentalists would moan about energy wastage/global warming LOL. Besides, wouldn’t it end up surrounded by caravans plugging into it? ;-)
February 27th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
hello from Berlin where everzthing is big, transport szstems work and I canät find a whzä its a z….
howäs that fucker Bertie these dazsÄ
got de book twentz
bitte, danke schoen
“scratch
February 27th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
oh zeah..one other thing…is the government being asked to avail of the Lichtenstein names if thez exist for anz paddies
February 27th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Twenty, you have achieved the impossible. No, not finishing the book, thinking up a way to make O’Connell St even more dangerous than it currently is. Well done sir. For finishing the book.
February 27th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
I totally recommend The Book to all of you. Even better than the blog!
February 27th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Oh, and only 2 crap puns based on 80’s “hits”. You will groan, but they’re of a slightly higher standard than the ones you see here.
February 27th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
I just bouth the book on my lunch and read it while Iwalked the ten minutes back to work.
It’s shite.
February 27th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Fuck off, they’re just as good as the ones on here.
February 27th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
we could gather around the new spire and recite passages from “the book”.
like a prayer meeting, but more use of the word cunt
February 27th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
No Twenty, both of the puns in The Book were better than the ones you have here.
And Johnny, if you really read the book, tell us how and where Dana gets a mention, without giving anything away. (That was my favourite bit)
February 27th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I finished the book Sunday, I claim my prize.
I was most impressed, it’s an excellent read and even more imaginative than a 390ft light saber.
February 27th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I think Johnny was being slightly sarcastic….
February 27th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Cheers, O’Reilly…
February 27th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Twenty, if you hear anything back from your publisher re: an E-book I’d be interested in the result.
February 27th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
No Twenty, both of the puns in The Book were better than the ones you have here.
And Johnny, if you really read the book, tell us how and where Dana gets a mention, without giving anything away. (That was my favourite bit)
Dana is in the bit where shut your fucking mouth you retard.
February 27th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Calm down Johnny. I’ll send you my copy if you can’t afford it.
February 27th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I’m so rich I can afford 2 copies.
February 27th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Yeah Johnny, but you’re so tight that you won’t buy 1.
Come up and see me in the Pink House and we’ll work something out.
February 27th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Is it not in the library yet?
February 27th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Pink House? SOunds gay.
What time are you free?
February 27th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
I like the what, where’s the how?
February 27th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
A giant Spire lightsaber?
Could use it to cook kebab meat …mmmmmmmm …meat
February 27th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
‘Dana is in the bit where shut your fucking mouth you retard.’
Monkeys balls is in the book?
haha
February 27th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Cunts who take acid get flashbacks . Thats not a bad flashback that
February 27th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Digital – I’ll see what I can find out.
February 27th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Hi Twenty.
Do you know if it’s available in all Eason’s branches.
February 27th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
A nice idea but I think if we twisted the spire into a giant corkscrew it would be more fitting with the local culture
February 27th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
I assume so, Whiskey.
Corkscrew – heh
February 27th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
i enquired in easons this morning to no avail – they’d want to pull their finger out and get it on the pulse methinks
February 27th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
check out http://www.ireland.com breaking news headline NOW
btw, the spire should be turned into a giant syringe, to represent the area
February 27th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
The best news I’ve heard all day. Good man Bertie, fuck the begrudgers
February 27th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
If you’re looking for The Book in Eason’s, don’t ask the stupid, stupid assistants who work there. I tried it, and got directed to the counter where they sell cigarettes. It’s better to just root around yourself.
The branch in The Square in Tallaght has them on a trolley, close to the Travel Books.
-And the idiot on the till tried to charge me €89.99.
February 27th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Haha, that’s what that thing is called. I didnt notice it for like three days, then the next day I was like, whats that fookin massive thiiing! It created adequate awe and wonderment for 3 minutes and considerin it dont do anyfin, thats not bad.
February 27th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Sorry about that. There is no Monkey Balls “@gmail.com”
February 27th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Hey Cruddy, I know your sister, Cilla.
February 27th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Tallaght?
Urrgh.
February 27th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
So do I. The slapper gets around
February 27th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
I like the Spire, but I like the idea of lighting it up even more.
BTW,if Bertie thinks he’s staying on, he’s more of a fuckin moron than even I thought, and that’s saying something.
I wish he and his nuisance relations would just disappear, back to the obscurity they all cmae from.
February 27th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Bertie’s going nowhere. All hail Bertie
February 27th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
FYI TWENTY AT 1:08 PM EST MY MAIL CARRIER RANG MY DOORBELL AND HANDED ME THE BOOK. “BRENDAN BEHAN FOR THE INTERNET GENERATION” THE SUNDAY TIMES.
FER FUCKS SAKE TWENTY, HIGH PRAISE INDEED. I SHALL READ IT TONIGHT.
February 27th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Read it all yesterday. Reviewed it on Amazon this morning. Couldn’t put it down.
The spire as a light saber? that just means some knacker will get it into their head to try to distract the cops by waving his hand enigmatically and saying:
“Nah bud, these aren’t the drugs yer lookin’ fer. Move along. Ye bollix ye”.
February 27th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
i agree with the other shaz,sayin that theres enough syringes round there already. i think it should be one of those poles with the ribbons .you could take time off shopping to get abit of a dance for yerself. i’l organise a coach trip from galway. evry weekend. i have to say though , the giant lightsaber idea, is fuking brilliant.
February 27th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
390 foot phallic symbol … jealous Twenty???????
February 27th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
“beams of light were supposed to shoot from it’s tip” –
its tip, Twenty, its tip…
Bags being your editor on the next book. If it’s even half as good as the first – which is brilliant – it’ll be, er, emm, semi-brilliant…
(I’ll get me coat).
February 27th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Nobody would mistake us for being geordies with all the people getting their coats these days..
February 27th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Fuck that, they should build the Deathstar.
Then we’d rule the world.
February 28th, 2008 at 12:01 am
I’d like to see some sacrificial impalings, now that would be a disturbance in the force
February 28th, 2008 at 12:40 am
Dear Twenty,
I was in the big schmoke today and I happened to purchase your book in Easons at Heuston Station. I knew it would be good… but that doesn’t even begin to describe it. All I know is that I had to physically restrain myself from snort-laughing on the train back to Tullamore. At least 5 people asked what I was reading I was laughing so hard. Excellent stuff. Love the marketing plan too! Make people shit themselves laughing and everyone around will want in! Class!
Love,
Me!
February 28th, 2008 at 1:20 am
Can I just point out, in my cannabis-induced manner, that seeing as I was the first one to to stick my tongue up Twenty’s arse this morning, that all you fellow sychophantic fuckers are actually sticking your tongues up my arse? Yes, MY arse!! Makes me feel warm, inside.
I would never have thought it was possible to gain so much pleasure from reading a book. Even ‘The Book’.
Now, where was I? Ah yes..
Aaaalll junglists an’ junglist possee
Big up y’self, an’ de Twenty Major massive
Murder we charge for
Seen?
February 28th, 2008 at 1:43 am
Have ye seen any horses?
February 28th, 2008 at 1:55 am
The Lord is thy shepherd, thou shalt not wank.
Thy shepherd, not mine.
February 28th, 2008 at 1:58 am
Well, that was a shameful display of arse-licking – it was almost Brian Cowen-esque in its obsequity. By Star Wars fans, yet.
February 28th, 2008 at 2:00 am
Twentymajor (as he poos around the world)with Jabba the Hutt’s tongue up his hole……strangely erotic or just me?
February 28th, 2008 at 2:13 am
Just the tongue?
February 28th, 2008 at 3:45 am
I am thirty years old this year, and have never seen any of The star Wars films. Couldnt get into them as a wee lad. Did enjoy Mel brooks’ SpaceBalls. although I doubt it has stood the test of time.
February 28th, 2008 at 3:54 am
You arse licking cock sucking pigs cocks, would you ever fuck off. Twenty, loving the light sabre thing only we need to develop it a bit. Yeah have the light and sound effects, touro’s will lap it up and star wars fans will be forever in indebted to you but we should also use it to carry out public executions; like they would have done back in nam. The Millenium Pikey Spike Light Sabre, need I say any more.
February 28th, 2008 at 4:47 am
Anyone up with the early morning stalker ? Moonkee Balls tells me he’s a taker.
February 28th, 2008 at 6:23 am
Jeez twenty, you really want all those trekkies coming to Dublin? All those Darth vaders will be in a spasm from watching the spire.
February 28th, 2008 at 11:38 am
All I know is that I had to physically restrain myself from snort-laughing on the train back to Tullamore.
I thought that said snot-laughing. Still, good enough. Glad you’re enjoying it.
February 28th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
…and there was me thinking you were you going to suggest using the spire to impale the winners of the awards you mentioned here http://twentymajor.net/2008/02/22/national-cunt-day/
February 28th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
I heartily endorse this event/product.
February 29th, 2008 at 12:55 am
the spire is just a huge prick yes a massive prick like the one running the country so bertie your not even dead yet (unfortunately) and you got your statute
and how about erecting a 200ft high set of piss flaps the other end of o,connell st in honour of mary harney
and how she is making a cunt of our health service………..WORD