At home

Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on February 27th, 2008

“Yes, good evening to you too, sir. You’re looking well. Had a good day out the back did you? Did you have a good day out the back? Yeah. You were all right. Where’s that fucking cat? Off all day ripping throats was he? I bet he was. Didn’t bring you a thing back either, did he? Nah he’s a right greedy cunt.

You hungry? Are you hungry? Yeah, I bet you are. What do you fancy? I’m a bit peckish myself, I have to say. What’s that? You don’t care. Just once it has some meat in it. Right, let me check the freezer. Hmmm, nothing in there that’d defrost in time. Will I get takeaway? Might as well. Pizza? Chinese? Curry, you say? Hang on then. I’ll give them a ring.”

“Yeah, an order for delivery please …. yeah, that’s the address. 15 red chicken curries please. 10 steamed rice. No drinks, no. How long? Ok, that’s grand. Cheers.”

“That’s gonna be about 45 minutes old pal. See if you can hang on till then. Right, I’m gonna go check my email, back in a few. Oh, you’re coming with me, are you? Not like you to be so clingy. Better get a drink first. Do you wanna drink? Do you wanna drink big fella? Not sure what I fancy to be honest. Beer? Always a good option. Rum? Perhaps a little too tropical for the cold night that’s in it. What about wine? It’s been a while since we had some wine and I haven’t touched those bottles that Jimmy nicked from that house in Dalkey. Let’s have a look. Chateau Lafite. Chateau Margeaux. Chateau Valandraud Saint-Emilion. Chateau Latour Pauillac. Spätburgunder.

Hmm, well we’ll go with the oldest. 1797? Fucking hell, who waits that long to open a bottle of wine. Corkscrew, there it is. Grand job, here’s a bowl for you. Don’t go mad now. You know how you get when you get a half pint of wine into you. I’m too tired to go out hunting knackers tonight. And a glass for me. Mmmm, delicious. Wonder how the fire’s doing. Best check. Crackling away, lovely. You know I think I should get one of those new really thin Apples. I do love a new gadget and that way I could in the sitting room and do my blog and stuff and there wouldn’t even be a cable for you to trip over and then pull the laptop off the side of the couch making it fall and shatter into a load of pieces like the last one.

Smoke? No? Fair enough. After dinner, yeah. I hear ya. Oh there’s that fucking cat. The noise of it wailing out the back there. Sounds like a retarded deaf kid trying to make a fire engine sound. I know, I know, get a catflap - but I don’t want any holes in my doors that a really tiny ninja midget could get through. Yes, I know you’d eat him but what if he got caught in your throat and you died? I’d never forgive myself. Come on, you stupid moggy. Get in the fucking house. Oh, what is that all over your face? More blood. What have you been eviscerating now? I don’t know. You pair of reprobates. Yes, there’s food for you too. Stop miaowing. Stop it. Go on, pppppssssssssssssshhhhhh. Get into that sitting room. I’ll just get a book, check my email later.”

*bring bring*

“Hello? Ah, howdy Jimmy. Yeah, might pop down later. You going? Oh, how come? You’re fucking kidding me? Really? And they won’t say why? Fuck. Right enough, so. I can understand that. Well, I might just have a quiet one in. Read a book, drink some wine, smoke a joint or something. Fire’s lit, it’s cold out. Yeah. I know. Gay. Fuck it. Sometimes I just need a night off from Tweedleflid and Tweedlemong. Yeah. Grand. Good luck. Talk to you tomorrow.”

*click*

“Can you stop groaning? I’m trying to read here. Well then don’t sit so fucking close to the fire, you spa. Yeah, rubbing your snout on the ground and rolling around on your back is going to make all the difference.”

“Throatripper? Was that you? Ooooh, you smelly fucking cunt. Jesus Christ, it’s a like a poo came to life and crawled up your arse then died. Where are the matches? I should get a fucking gas mask. I swear to God if I didn’t think you’d hunt me down and kill me I’d take you out the woods and let you go. Ah what am I saying? I wouldn’t do that. You might be the worst cat I ever owned, in fact you’re the only cat I’ve ever owned, but you’re all right really.”

*bring bring*

“Hello? What’s up? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah, I know. Fucking hell. What? Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Hmmmm. Ok. Right. Fair enough. Not for that price I’m not. What? Well, of course you can get someone to do it for less but do you want it done properly or do you want it done by some half-wit? Up to you. Well you let me know. Me? Nothing much. Fine. Later.”

*click*

“Argh, get off my lap you stupid cat. Stop kneading my thighs. Jesus, your claws. Fucks sake. Are they samurai claws? Ow. Stop. What if I rub that bit behind your ear. Hah, not so tough now are you? No, you’re not. Fucking cat. Yeah yeah, purr all you like. You’re not so tough. OW, get your claws out of my leg.”

“What? Yeah. I know. They’re late. I know. I’m hungry too. Huh? Well I didn’t have a shetland pony for breakfast, did I? You gluttonous beast. They’ll be here any minute so until then just shut up. The little whines won’t make them come any faster. Oh, you want under your chin rubbed. You want under your chin rubbed? There you go, buddy. Oh jesus, do you have to get the back leg going like that? The noise of it off the floorboards. Fucking he-”

*ding dong*

“Shh, stop barking. Stop it! I’m hurrying. Fucks sake. Howdy. How much is that? There’s €150, keep the change. You’re welcome. Right, you fuckers. Let’s eat.”