The Order of the Phoenix Park - Prologue
Posted in The book by Twenty Major on February 19th, 2008
The book is out this week, you should start seeing it in shops by the end of the week, I’m told. As a little teaser here’s the prologue of ‘The Order of the Phoenix Park’.
I was going to post the epilogue but they said this would be better idea.
——-
Monday Night
Renowned record-shop-owner Tom O’Farrell staggered from the store room at the back of his shop. Terrified and unable to understand what was happening, he only knew that escape was impossible. He had already locked up the shop, the shutters were secured in place … he had nowhere to go. Nevertheless, he made for the door, frantically hoping that a passer-by might see what was happening and raise the alarm. With the lights off though, that was unlikely, and the darkness caused him to stumble over a display of Tears for Fears Greatest Hits DVDs. He lay on the ground, out of breath, looking desperately for somewhere to hide.
Then a voice spoke, alarmingly close, ‘Stay very still.’
Crouched on all fours, the record-shop-owner shuddered, turning his head very slowly, like some kind of retarded owl. Just 14 feet away, bathed in the light that pushed its luminous tentacles out from the store room, loomed the enormous silhouette of his assailant, who stared contemptuously down at him with shining, pink eyes. He was freakishly tall and built like the offspring of a farmer and a professional wrestler crossed with an old-school East German female Olympic athlete. His skin was so pale it was almost translucent, and from under his flat cap sprung a shock of bright orange hair.
‘No. It can’t be,’ gasped Tom, ‘the ginger albino! It was supposed to be just a legend.’
Christ, this was bad. If only people knew.
The ginger albino pulled a pistol from his duffel coat and pointed it at his victim.
‘You shouldn’t have tried to escape.’ His accent was a mix of nasal American and Wicklow council worker, with a strange northern twang that Tom thought might be Donegal. ‘Now, you know why I’m here. You know what you must do.’
‘I’ve told you already,’ Tom stammered, ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’
‘You lie,’ said the hideous man, his gingerness seeming to ooze from his pores like stuff oozed from teenagers’ faces. ‘You and your brethren know of me. You know what I signify. And now you know that I am not a fabled monster. I am real.’
Tom felt a surge of adrenalin rush through him. Well, he hoped it was adrenalin.
‘I will give you a final chance,’ the towering figure said coldly. ‘Do as I ask, or I shall kill you.’
‘Never,’ said Tom. ‘What you ask is too despicable for any person to agree to. I have spent my life working in this business – apart from that time when I lived in London and I had to do things to get by, but that’s not important right now – and I will not see it destroyed by the likes of you.’
‘Very well. I had hoped you would see sense. What is to come is inevitable. Your pathetic stand against it will make no difference whatsoever. The wheels are in motion. This Rolling Stone is gathering no moss. Que sera, sera, and such. Your death will serve as a warning to the others. They won’t be so foolish.’
In an instant, Tom knew what he had to do. ‘If I die,’ he thought, ‘then it’s all over. There’s no chance for anyone.’
Instinctively, he tried to get up and run for the door. The gun thundered, and he felt a burning heat as the bullet penetrated his stomach. He fell again … battling against the searing pain. He turned onto his back again and faced his attacker, who had the pistol pointed directly between his eyes. The ginger albino pulled the trigger, but there was only the click so reminiscent of the Russian roulette scene in The Deer Hunter.
‘MAO!’ said the man, laughing. He reached for more bullets but then saw the blood spreading across the floor from Tom’s stomach. He pocketed the bullets and holstered his gun. ‘My work here is done.’
Tom looked down and saw the hole in his Che Guevara T-shirt. As a veteran of the turf wars between the punks, the mods and the Val Doonican fans during his time in London, he’d seen people gut shot before. It was a slow and painful way to die. Worse than being starved to death in a room filled with Phil Collins music while being rimmed by a cat.
His hateful assassin regarded him for a moment. ‘Your pain is as nothing compared to what the rest of humanity will suffer. Be thankful and die well.’
The ginger albino walked calmly over to one of the racks behind the counter, searched for a couple of moments, then took something. The next moment, he was gone, locking the back door behind him.
Alone and dying, Tom O’Farrell knew he had to act fast. Within minutes, the poison from his stomach would enter his chest cavity and render him immobile for the final, excruciating moments.
‘I must warn them. I must find some way.’
Staggering to his feet, he tried to move, but he was too weak. His legs were like jelly beneath him. Close to tears and knowing time was short, he lay down on the floor. An idea came to him. He pulled his T-shirt over his head, wincing in pain, and summoned the last of his strength to do what he had to do.
When he was finished, he grimaced as he found his mobile phone in his pocket and flicked through the address book until he came to the name of the person he wanted. Too weak to make the call, he left the screen displaying this entry as the blackness enveloped him … and Tom O’Farrell died, hoping against hope that he’d done enough.
——–
Is Tom based on an english man married to an irish woman? Do you write music reviews for RTE?
February 19th, 2008 at 9:14 am
No and no.
February 19th, 2008 at 9:16 am
1
Worse than being starved to death in a room filled with Phil Collins music while being rimmed by a cat.
Did you shy away from writing ‘Damien Rice’s music’ in order to reach an international audience?
Do the book’s characters refer to your man as The Ginger Albino’ or is he spoken of as ‘The Unmentionable’ or something?
Expect loads of questions like this today…… it reads well though Twenty, you jammy git
February 19th, 2008 at 9:23 am
2
Never fear, the Riceman has a big part to play.
February 19th, 2008 at 9:25 am
3
Straight in with the owls eh?! Looking forward to it… am lining it up for the emergency slot right after ‘The Road’.
February 19th, 2008 at 9:29 am
4
We told poor Tom O’Farrell not to leave Longford but he would not listen, if he had’nt gone mixing with you fucking Jackeens he’d still be alive now you’re sending (Howayiz) down here to live among us, but we’ll get them all one by one we’ll get them!
February 19th, 2008 at 9:36 am
5
I’ve never read Dan Brown-Trout and the Da Vinci Code; well I read the first page and began to puke copiously [and quite accuratly as well according to my wife – but that’s another tale]. I felt as if the world had fallen out of my bottom. So reading this extract was a little like Dirty Dave’s wet nightmare; I enjoyed in a strange, pervy kinda way but it kept reminding me of something bad [a bit like when you were a yungfellah trying to have a sneaky wank but you were really sure your Mam could hear you?] But like a good wank, now that I’ve started I really want to finish – so bring it on Twenty!
February 19th, 2008 at 9:37 am
6
I would have thought that Tom would have produced some amount of Poo by now!
February 19th, 2008 at 9:41 am
7
Was he 60 and specialising in Johnny Cash albums? Or was it No Country For Old Men?
February 19th, 2008 at 9:44 am
8
…or something…
February 19th, 2008 at 9:44 am
9
Macabre, disturbing, but, come on, being rimmed by a cat can’t be the worst thing in the world…. they’re like world champions at that schtick!
February 19th, 2008 at 9:47 am
10
I don’t know. Cat’s tongues are like sandpaper. That could be pretty sore like.
Many words is the book, twenty?
February 19th, 2008 at 9:50 am
11
About 75,000 I think.
February 19th, 2008 at 9:52 am
12
hahahaha. Excelent.
You better have some kind of EBook version. If it’s only in printed form I’ll be very pissed.
February 19th, 2008 at 9:54 am
13
Ebook - are you mad?
No trees have to die for an Ebook.
February 19th, 2008 at 9:55 am
14
Amazon just told me i won’t see it shipped until march
“Unfortunately, the release date for the item(s) listed below was changed by the supplier, and we
need to provide you with a new estimated delivery date based on the new release date:
“The Order of the Phoenix Park” [Paperback]
Estimated arrival date: 11/04/08 - 18/04/08″
twenty:
you goona post those 75000 words up on bittorrent
do a radiohead for us :-)
-nc
ps.
congrats and all that
February 19th, 2008 at 9:57 am
15
I’m sure we can come to some arrangement. There’s always needless distruction. That may make up for it?
February 19th, 2008 at 9:58 am
16
Looking forward to it.
February 19th, 2008 at 9:58 am
17
Most excellent indeed. Are you going to do a book signing?
February 19th, 2008 at 10:05 am
18
Amazon is wrong, Neilc.
No book signings, no.
February 19th, 2008 at 10:13 am
19
What a pity, no book signing.
Tut, tut. Me and Bald Devil were so looking forward to it.
February 19th, 2008 at 10:18 am
20
Yeah. I’d say so.
February 19th, 2008 at 10:20 am
21
Oh. Good luck with it anyway. Maybe the Independent will do something constructive and give it a good review. I’m sure it will do great regardless.
February 19th, 2008 at 10:22 am
22
Yeah, he wants to say he’s sorry, and I wanted you to see how good-looking I really am.
February 19th, 2008 at 10:23 am
23
Ta, Nonny.
I’m sure he’s very sorry but I don’t care. And I’m sure your good looks were never in doubt, MB.
February 19th, 2008 at 10:25 am
24
Good luck twenty, reads well though a distinct lack of cnuts so far. Tell me, will Lukcy kill this albino
February 19th, 2008 at 10:31 am
25
One question; Tears For Fears greatest hits was released on Paddy’s Day in 1992. Is the book set in 1992, or is Tom’s shop just a crap one with out-dated stock?
February 19th, 2008 at 10:33 am
26
All these questions, and more, will be answered in the book itself.
February 19th, 2008 at 10:36 am
27
I’m sleeping over outside Easons on O’Connell St until it hits the shelves.
February 19th, 2008 at 10:43 am
28
Let the queues begin!
February 19th, 2008 at 10:53 am
29
What is “he’d seen people gut shot before”?
Is it ‘He’d seen people get shot in the guts before?’
Or should it be ‘He’d seen people get shot before?’
Are there lots of guts and gets.
Are there more gets than guts?
I have a gut feeling you’re going to tell me to get the book to find out.
February 19th, 2008 at 11:03 am
30
The question is, will the body still be there when the guards show up or will the record shop carpet have already digested it?
Congratulations on finally getting the buke squeezed out and pruned. I do hope it subscribes to the small-words-written-big school of literature and not the other way round. As a bone fide author you are now allowed to wear a big pretentious scarf, floppy hat and die penniless in some candlelit Parisian garret of tuberculosis.
February 19th, 2008 at 11:11 am
31
It’s the TB I’ve been looking forward to most.
February 19th, 2008 at 11:13 am
32
On a more serious note, does anyone know how the Top-Sellers list is compiled for books? Do all bookshops contribute towards it, or is it like the music charts with just a select few? Do on-line sales count, or is that a seperate list altogether?
I for one would like to see Twenty’s book get to number one, so I want to make my purchase count.
We might attract a better class of commenters.
February 19th, 2008 at 11:18 am
33
Have you decided yet which interview to do? The Late Late or Tubridy Tonight?
February 19th, 2008 at 11:25 am
34
Podge and Rodge?
February 19th, 2008 at 11:27 am
35
Oh there’ll be no TV, thank you.
February 19th, 2008 at 11:35 am
36
Also, as an author you can suck all the mickey you want and still have a statue of yourself thrown up in Stephens green somewhere.
This country….
February 19th, 2008 at 11:49 am
37
Possible title for the follow up:
Twenty Major and the half-black mincer.
I reckon twenty/harry potter crossover titles could keep us going all the day long.
February 19th, 2008 at 11:50 am
38
I heard you’d be sending complimentary copies of the book to your Brazilian readers, Twenty. That’d be me, by the way.
February 19th, 2008 at 11:56 am
39
When do you go to phase II master ?
February 19th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
40
Congrats on doing what most of us can only think about doing while stuck at a red light.
February 19th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
41
Book 2? I’m writing it as we speak. It’s called Multi-tasking, wriggly.
Cheers, Doss.
February 19th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
42
Augusto - you just have to send me some complimentary Cachaça
February 19th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
43
I see they are dropping the price on Amazon already?
Are the publishers losing their nerve this soon?
February 19th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
44
No, no, no master - Phase II - you owe it to the world - and your bank balance.
Who were the richest Cunts in History ?
Authors who went on to found Their own Religion.
Joseph Smith
L Ron Hubbard ( no relation to a certain publican ? )
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.
Now, with the recent demise of the Maharishi, there is a gap in the market waiting to be filled.
Found the Church of Major - you owe it to mankind and the AIB!
Billions await, Billions!
February 19th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
45
heh, good thinking.
February 19th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
46
With a temple shaped like a ciggy, pointing skywards, fragrant smoke eminating from it’s summit; you climb the 1001 steps to the top and find the disciples (including, now, yourself) are being incinerated thereupon in a sacrificial tarry mass.
February 19th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
47
I hope the book fails miserably.
February 19th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
48
Looking forward to reading this prologue on the blog of that myspace punter.
He’s the one who really wrote the book.
February 19th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
49
Congrats Twenty,looking forward to it.
February 19th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
50
nice one tewnty. when’s the film of the book (good working title would be “the unfuckables”) due?
February 19th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
51
Augusto, surely as a Brazilian you should be able to get the book even more easily on Amazon?
February 19th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
52
Some untraceable beef too? I could think of some clever way to thwart that embargo of yours.
February 19th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
53
“‘MAO!’ said the man, laughing.”
Is he making cat noises? or referring to chinese leaders?
February 19th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
54
Kudos, that was pretty promising 20.
I hope its not like one of those movie trailers where they show you all the best bits leaving you with the same sense of utter dissapointment you get after eating a low-fat dessert.
February 19th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
55
Morgor - it is the master being playful with “LMAO”
February 19th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
56
Typing up a blog entry, and typing up a book at the same time is not really multi-tasking. It’s just a lot of typing.
Wanking and typing, that’s multi-tasking.
February 19th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
57
Again with the Phil Collin’s bashing….
very good otherwise.
February 19th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
58
Twenty, you have revealed this first installment on the day that Castro steps down - a coincidence or a subtle bit of something else?
do tell?
February 19th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
59
The owls are not what they seem….
February 19th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
60
Without chemicals, he points…
February 19th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
61
Speaking of Phil Collins music…has anyone seen the Cadburys ad with the drumming gorilla? Brilliant.
February 19th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
62
Roosta’s seen that all right…
February 19th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
63
“Never fear, the Riceman has a big part to play.”
Does he cometh?
Congratulations, mister. It looks like a rollicking good read. I’m looking forward to getting my copy.
February 19th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
64
I’d like an audio-book, they’re easier in the Taxi, who would you get to read it?
February 19th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
65
Twenty
I’ve pre-ordered my copy. Let’s hope it makes it to America without being nicked (by thieving twats with excellent literary taste) en route.
Kevin
February 19th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
66
Does he cometh?
heh
I might do the audio book myself, Roy.
Cheers, Kevin and it doesn’t turn up you can just buy another one!
February 19th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
67
eh, if the fabled ginger albino is his assistant, surely he already knew he wasn’t just a legend?
February 19th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
68
oops, his assailant, not assistant - I blame the drugs!
February 19th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
69
I knew Tom O’Farell,
When his football was a can
February 19th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
70
Is available on bit torrent yet. I can’t wait to download the book.
February 19th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
71
so how do we get signed copies
February 19th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
72
Shot in the stomach while on all fours…..mmm…very interesting, perhaps the killer is a contortionist who bought rose-tinted contact lenses in Specsavers or maybe not. O I can’t wait I’m sooo excited.
February 19th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
73
When is this book expected to go on sale in charity shops?
February 19th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
74
Should be there by the end of next week.
February 19th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
75
Like most Irishmen, Tom has a crap memory. “The ginger albino!”, he thinks, “It was supposed to be just a legend”, then the previous conversatin dawns: “I’ve told you already”.
February 19th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
76
Twenty, have you been stealing ideas again from Monsiur Monstre’s site for your book?
February 19th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
77
Twenty, it’s “you’re”, not your.
February 19th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
78
how much is this in english moneys, ‘wager 20p
February 19th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
79
Fuair mé an teachtaireacht seo cúpla seachtain ó shin:
Unfortunately, the release date for the item(s) listed below was changed by the supplier, and we
need to provide you with a new estimated delivery date based on the new release date:
“The Order of the Phoenix Park” [Paperback]
Estimated arrival date: 15/04/08 - 22/04/08
We are sorry for any inconvenience this causes.
February 19th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
80
Again, Amazon have gotten it wrong. It’ll be available soon.
February 19th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
81
As soon as it arrives from Amazon I’ll photocopy the fuck out out of it for my book club. We’ll collectively let you know.
February 19th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
82
Templemore 2525 A.D.
‘The Order of the Phoenix Park is to be read by all recruits, by Order of the Phoenix Park’
February 19th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
83
Is it a ‘choose your own adventure’? I like them. It’s like 6 books in 1.
February 19th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
84
Thanks for the prologue - enjoyed that. I’m going to join the Amazon race at once. (No, not that one)
February 19th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
85
sweet work…..
February 20th, 2008 at 12:33 am
86
Jazz Biscuit » Blog Archive » It’s a Jazz shaped interweb says:
[...] Ireland’s biggest blogger in the uses-the-word-cunt-a-lot niche market] draws nearer, and he’s posted the prologue. It’s good shit. Read [...]
February 20th, 2008 at 8:10 am
87
Congratulations Toots, may she gallop straight up the charts.
February 20th, 2008 at 11:56 am
88
Damien Mulley » Blog Archive » Fluffy Links - Thursday February 21st 2008 says:
[...] Get your Twenty on. First bit of his book is online. [...]
February 21st, 2008 at 2:32 pm
89
Like many of you, I got the same note from Amazon thaty the shipment was going to be delayed due to blah blah blah. As noted above, Twenty said Amazon was talking shite and he was right. Just got the following e-mail:
Greetings from Amazon.co.uk,
We thought you would like to know that the following item has been sent to:
God’s Gift
Somewhere in the US of A
using International Mail.
—————————————————–
Amazon.co.uk items (Sold by Amazon EU S.a.r.L.):
1 The Order of the Phoenix P… £5.59
Shipped via International Mail (estimated arrival date: 28-February-2008).
February 21st, 2008 at 7:10 pm
90
Nice one. Enjoy.
February 21st, 2008 at 7:16 pm
91
Hope it’s a lot better than mr browns version. That one was shite.
February 21st, 2008 at 10:09 pm
92
my copy has been dispatched - im excited!
February 24th, 2008 at 3:39 am
93
What to gingers ever do to you?
Will there be a non swear edition of book?
February 26th, 2008 at 10:59 am
94
Mr Amperduke Is Deadly, My Dinner Was Not « One For The Road says:
[...] Talking about Bob’s book, and seeing as I was ripped off by shelling out 8 quid for Twenty’s one today, it struck me that if any publishers are looking for the next blogging sensation to [...]
February 26th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
95